maybe this poem is worthy of approbation

[hop]

humbly submitted for your consideration:

Someday soon, I'll seek to lay my neck on the tracks,
I'd like that gleaming boxcar wheel to be my fatal axe.
Let the horrified workers find my sundered remains:
the severed head, the torso, the legs, the intact brains.
Some illnesses never show on one's skin or face,
they eat away at minds, at souls at their self-set pace.
Every day I wept from pain others never saw,
agony and despair rankled in my craw.
Too old am I to alter the path I sought,
Too lost in darkness to recover, as all of us were taught.
Instead I embrace an end that can't come soon enough,
Beheading on the rails, so glorious and rough.

[George Dance]

The most dramatic part, of course, is the first one; it's a powerful
image, and kudos to you for thinking of it. But that is also the main
thing wrong with your poem; you give the best first, and after that
it's all downhill. I'd suggest you do some shuffling, moving LL1-4 to
the bottom and starting the poem with L5; and also cut "Beheading" in
what's now the last line, let the reader think you're talking about
"leaving town" or the like on the train. If it were me I'd play with
that ambiguity more, talk about the train as a "fast way to go" and
such. But at minimum move those 4 lines; that's essential.

[hop]

thank you mr dance for your critique

[hop]

some of us have no money, no hope, nothing to cheer

every day we awaken, we shake and weep with fear.
please
is this all there is, sorrow, horror, and grief?

what will give us succor, even the barest relief?

i fear the answer is bleak, ending in rope or pills.

pls scatter my ashes in my beloved hills.