Stupid Users
Onideus Mad Hatter
about uber stupid computer users. Enjoy!
==========================================
: During my college years I would build and sell computers to earn a bit
: of extra cash. I got a call from a friend who said his mother wanted a
: computer and asked if I could make one for her. I used to live less
: than 30 miles away from the biggest computer fair in Europe, and not
: to put too fine a point on it, I REALLY hooked her up. Everything was
: top of the line and because it was for a friend's parent I did it
: purely at cost. Long story short, she ended up with a machine that
: would cost at least 1600 at retail, and I sold it to her for less than
: five hundred...cost of parts only. No charge for labor or even gas
: money to bring it to her house. I take it to her house, set it up and
: leave her to it, convinced I had done my good deed for the day. A
: couple days later I get a phonecall and the bitch is just SCREAMING at
: me. The computer's a piece of shit, it doesn't work, it's broken, I
: ripped her off etc. What ever happened to asking nicely? Anyway, I go
: to her house and find she's saying the computer is 'broken' because
: she can't get it to print. I tell her I never even sold her a printer.
: She says: "I know that! I bought one today and that piece of shit you
: sold me won't even recognize it!!!" I ask her if she's considered the
: problem is with the printer and she says: "Don't get smart with me! I
: bought the printer from PC World!! They're PROFESSIONALS." I sigh
: inwardly. The shaved monkeys at PC world are 'professionals'...I'm
: just an idiot with a screwdriver. "Did you install the drivers and
: everything?" I asked. "The what?" She says. uh-oh. I go to her dining
: room where the computer is set up, assess the situation and point out
: the following problems to her. 1) She hadn't installed the drivers. 2)
: She hadn't connected the printer to the computer. 3) She hadn't put
: the ink cartridges in the printer. 4) There was no paper in the
: printer. 5) The power cable for the printer was still in the box.
: Basically, she'd taken the printer out of the box, put it on the desk
: next to the computer and tried to print. When this shockingly didn't
: work, she decided to scream at me. Amazingly, after I point this out
: to her, she turns to me and says: "So...can you set it up for me
: then?" I just laughed and said "Why? So you can scream at me again
: when it runs out of ink?" She whined something about needing to print
: something for work the next day. On my way out of the door I said:
: "Call the professionals at PC World, they might do it for you...should
: only cost you about two hundred and hour." Moral of the story : When
: someone does you a massive favor...ask nicely if something goes wrong.
==========================================
: Client: Hey I've been calling all day trying to get in contact with
: you? Me: You have? Client: Yes and some lady kept answering telling me
: that my call couldn't be connected. Me: I think that sounds like a
: problem on your end. Client: It can't be because the telephone has
: been disconnected while we switch over to another company.
==========================================
: "You can install those new computers on Wednesday" "But they haven't
: got the network cabling in place yet" "They don't?" "No, remember we
: just spent the last hour discussing cat6 cabling?" "Ah, well, they can
: install the cables later, just get the network up and running"
==========================================
: While living in Canada for a year I worked for a small computer
: company fixing and selling Computers. I answered a call from a
: customer one morning who was complaining that he had just brought a
: brand new machine from us, taken it home and now it would not turn on!
: After running him through the normal things (making sure it was
: plugged in, trying another socket etc) I asked him to bring the
: machine back to the shop for me to look at. Once the machine was back
: in the shop I put it right up on the bench and the machine booted
: straight away. Puzzled, I showed the customer the running machine and
: ran through all the steps of hooking the machine up correctly. Happy
: with the demonstration he then took the machine home again. Later that
: afternoon we got another angry call from the same man, screaming that
: he wanted his money back because the computer wouldn't turn on and he
: was sick of it. At this point we figured it had to be something at his
: house, so we sent a tech around to his house. The tech showed up,
: walked to the computer and turned it on first time. The man's
: response? "I didn't know you had to push that button, on my wifes
: computer you just move the mouse and the screen comes on!" You can't
: make this stuff up.
==========================================
: Client: My laptop is broken Me (CEO of non-IT support vendor): Can you
: describe what the problem is? Client: Its flat and has IBM tattooed on
: the lower right hand corner Me: (silently) there is no possible way
: that anyone could be this dim... Me: (out loud) Is the laptop flat
: like a desk or l-shaped? Client: Flat. Me: Slide the button at the
: center of the long edge (the side without a hinge) and push the top
: half up. Client: That is so cool!
==========================================
: This wasn't really a development client, but a hosting customer at an
: ISP that I worked at. She was developing a "buy nuts online" shopping
: cart/ecommerce site. She used MS Paint or Corel Draw or whatever to
: actually draw a shopping cart. Seriously...she drew little form boxes
: and quantity fields and submit buttons and everything....this was like
: a 600px wide by 1200px tall JPG that she inserted into a single HTML
: page. No database to go with it...no ASP/PHP/RUBY or anything to go
: with it. Just a giant jpeg with shopping cart elements drawn in it. Of
: course once she uploaded this to the server and noticed that it didn't
: produce her gobs of cash she called to bitch that our server wasn't
: configured properly. Seriously. People never believe this story, but I
: swear it is true.
==========================================
: After mailing over a proposal for a contract a client calls me back
: Client: "we love the proposal but there is a small problem, our budget
: for the entire project is $1500" Me: "that's pretty tight but we can
: review the specs and see what can be removed to try to come in under
: budget" Client: "oh no that's not what we're talking about, your
: proposal is perfect we just need it done for $1500" Me: click... Why
: do some people think that experienced developers will work for
: McDonalds wages?
==========================================
: The scene: 12 Senior Executives around a conference table, several of
: them techies. Me, 24 year old n00b hired to handle hardware.
: Situation: The server room gets too hot, cooling system inadequate. I
: pass them 3 quotes I received from air conditioning companies to
: install a new chiller and to cut the vents to the roof and/or outside
: walls. Lowest quote is around $10,000. Senior Vice President of
: Operations: Can't we just get a portable air conditioner and put it in
: the room? ME: Yes we can, but those units tend to be less efficient
: and then we still need vents to push the hot air out of the room.
: Another Exec: Why do you have to do that? ME: Air conditioners work by
: leeching heat out the air going through them and putting the heat
: outside the room. You can't actually cool air where it is, you have to
: put the heat somewhere. Since the server room is near the center of
: the building, the heat we sent out of the room would make the offices
: hotter. All Executives now trying to speak at once to tell me I am
: full of it. After 1 HOUR of trying to convince them, I lose it. I
: don't care if I lose my job anymore. ME: Look, there is physical law
: called conservation of energy. Energy is not destroyed only moved and
: transformed! Heat is energy! This is one of the fundamental principals
: of the universe! If you run a refrigerator, it takes energy out of the
: air inside and pushes it out the back! When it is running, the motor
: actually heats up to cause this to happen, so if you open a fridge to
: cool your house, the house will actually get HOTTER!!! COLD IS THE
: ABSENCE OF HEAT! HEAT IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF COLD! It took a few days
: for the group to slowly realize I was actually telling the truth and
: then approve the expenditure. Of course, noone ever acknowledged that
: I was correct.
==========================================
: Massive Mutual Insurance Company learned from a consultant that it
: took too long to develop full-fledged application systems, what with
: planning, designing, ferreting out odd conditions like having to
: balance at year end, and of course scaling the pretty little prototype
: up to production volumes. So there was a meeting: Consultant: Our new
: Rapid Application Development methodology develops applications
: systems rapidly. It eliminates those tedious analysis and design steps
: that always make projects late. With a visual front end and database
: integration, you can prototype and develop whole systems in much less
: time! Me: What if the system that is developed fails of its essential
: purpose? What if it misses an important end-of-year function or can't
: scale up to production? Consultant (*patiently explaining to
: outsider*): You don't understand. It develops systems so rapidly, that
: if an intractable problem arises, you throw the system away and
: develop another! (... and they did, too. Over and over and over ... )
==========================================
: Another case of people only hearing what they want to hear... One of
: the managers at work is having problems with our telephone system. To
: reconfigure their department's problems meant the telephone system
: would have to be rebooted and that took 30 minutes most of the time.
: When discussing this, the bright manager asked if we could also move
: some telephone connections around in her area and we quickly agreed.
: On the day in question, everyone in her area had gotten an e-mail
: discussing the telephone outage. The manager, bless her soul, went
: around to all 40+ employees reminding them of the downtime and urging
: them to do non-telephone work. She then went to her receptionist and
: told her the telephone guys would be placing some ladders right
: outside her door to move some of the wiring ... *while* the phone
: system was down. The receptionist apparently ignored the e-mail, the
: personal visit and even the warning about the guys with ladders
: blocking her doorway. During the outage and while the work was going
: smoothly, the receptionist was heard to yell: "Somebody get these
: ladders out of the way! My phone isn't working and I've got a lot of
: important calls to make!!!" When I saw the manager standing not far
: from the receptionist's office, she and I looked at each other, rolled
: our eyes in unison, and quickly sped away while leaving the
: receptionist trapped and unable to communicate (other than yelling).
==========================================
: I finally had enough. I actually wrote this to a client, returned her
: deposit and told her to take a flying leap. Client: I contacted you on
: the 3rd and told you I needed these files to the printer by the 20th
: and you assured me there was no problem. Now I can't make the deadline
: and would like to know why you didn't do what you said would be able
: to do. You're inability to meet the deadline really put my project
: behind. Me: Gee. Do you think the fact that you went on vacation
: between the 5th and the 20th and did not look at any proofs or contact
: me once during that time might have had something to do with it? Or
: the fact you didn't tell me who your printer was? Or wait, maybe the
: fact that you gave me the wrong text to use and then needed it reset?
: Maybe? Ya think?
==========================================
: So this Senior Programmer is printing a 180-page report on
: 6-page-a-minute printer (* now you have a clue how long ago this was
: *), and I was waiting for my turn at the printer. Him: "Don't bother
: waiting. This report's all wrong. I can't kill the print job because
: my PC's locked up, but I'll have to start over when it's done
: printing." Me: "You want to kill the print job? But the system isn't
: letting you? And your PC's locked up so you're going to have to reboot
: anyway?" Him: "Yeah, we'll just have to wait. Unless you have a better
: idea." Me: "Maybe." I turned the power switch Off. Him: "Waaah! What
: are you doing? Don't do that! They told us never turn the power off!"
: Me: "And why would that be?" Him (patiently explaining to the junior
: staff): "If you turn the printer off, the current job is lost." Me:
: "..."
==========================================
: I work as a computer tech at a local highschool and lets just say we
: have some computer illiterate teachers... Here is a story I heard from
: my boss: One of our teachers called my boss and said, "Mr B my printer
: ain't working! Could you come by and take a look?" My boss says sure
: and goes over to the school figuring she was just hitting the black
: and white copy button. When he gets there he asks her to show him what
: she was doing. She says, "It won't print in color." So my boss asks
: her again to show him. She proceeds to pull out a black and white
: picture of a tiger and hits the color copy button. She says, "See it
: don't work." My boss justs shakes his head and explains, "Now this is
: a smart machine, but it don't know that you want that tiger orange."
: She says "OOOOOOHHHHH". Boss just shakes his head and walks out. Isn't
: it comforting to know who is teaching our children?
==========================================
: I worked as a PC tech for a fairly large manufacturing company. Day
: One: My Phone rings. User: Yes, my monitor just stopped working. Me:
: That's weird, that was a brand new Monitor. I walk her through the
: basic repairs before just finally I walking over. Indeed the monitor
: is dead. I get her another brand new monitor, hook it up and it's good
: to go. Day Two: Phone Rings Same User: My Monitor is dead again. Me: I
: walk over and indeed it is totally dead again. So I think it's the
: plug, and have maintenance check the outlet. Everything checks out
: normal. Day Three: Phone Rings again. Phone Rings Same User: My
: monitor is dead again this morning. Me: I walk over and again it's
: dead. Sensing something is not right I ask her to walk me through your
: morning routine. User: First I go get my coffee, then I go over fill
: up my glass with water. Then I come back and water my plant. Her plant
: sit directly above her monitor. As she begins to demonstrate water
: leaks from the plant like a siv and goes directly into the monitor. I
: just look at her with that, "You are a freaking moron" look. User:
: (Being totally serious) So do you know what the problem is? Me: Yeah,
: water and monitors don't mix!!!! User: Oh well I just move the plant 3
: days ago. Me: Hand smacking forehead and a look of disgust.
==========================================
: Customer: I think I need you to come out to the office and give me the
: cable to connect to my bank as I don't have access to it Myself: What
: exactly do you mean by cable (I usually have to ascertain if his
: terminology is the same as my own) Customer: I can access the google,
: but when I try to access my bank it doesn't work. I think I am only
: using the google cable Myself: Sir, there is only one internet. Do you
: perhaps mean some sort of accounting software that's on your intranet?
: Customer: I wouldn't know about that Myself: Ok, how do you usually go
: about accessing your "bank" Customer: (provides me with the website
: address of a bank) Myself: Ok Sir, that's actually on the internet. If
: you can access google you should be able to access your bank Customer:
: Ok but i've already gotten under my desk and unplugged the google
: cable already Myself: Why? Customer: because I usually switch between
: 2 cables when i'm going to access my bank, but my banks cable no
: longer makes a click so it must not be working Myself: (confused) I
: think i'll need to come out Eventually I went out and found that
: whoever had set up there network had left a spare network cable just
: lying on the ground behind the PC, the customer previously had tried
: getting access to his banks website and it failed (maybe the banks
: server was down I don't know) so the customer had gone under his desk,
: found the spare network cable and plugged it in, he could now get
: access to his banks website, an unfortunate coincidence, as now every
: time the customer wanted to check his banks website he would switch
: the cables around under his desk, he had been doing this for 2 years.
: But recently the clip that holds the network cable in the wall had
: broken so when the employee didn't hear the reassuring "click" he
: assumed the cable was now broken. I showed him that the "google cable"
: worked for both his banks website and every where else. He wasn't even
: embarrassed that he had been crawling under his desk switching cables
: around for all those years.
==========================================
: This happened with my ISP as a client, so it's a little different but
: still shows some stupidness. I had 28.8 dial up because it was all
: that was offered in my area, I was 14 at the time. One day all
: internet access quit working. It happened to other people I know as
: well. I called up my ISP and got the following: 3rd attempt calling,
: after about 2 hours: ISP: Hello? Me: Yeah, I can't connect to the
: internet. ISP: Did you check your settings? Me: Yes I know they are
: right, are you guys having issues? ISP: Oh well, we just changed
: everybody's username's to update the system. Me: We're you guys going
: to tell us about this? ISP: Yeah, we're going to send everybody an
: email. Me: How am I supposed to get the email, when I can't connect to
: the internet? ISP: Don't get your panties in a wad. Me: Just give me
: my new user name. ISP: We sent you an email. Me: Before or after you
: changed it? ISP: After....oh right. Here it is... Me: (sigh).....
: thanks
==========================================
: I used to work for a small (very small, me and 1 other guy) tech help
: business, and I got this call one night... Client: My computer won't
: work. Me: What's wrong with it? Client: I click on things but they
: won't open, and nothing happens when I type on the keyboard. Me: Your
: computer sounds frozen, have you tried restarting it? Client: You
: don't understand, I can't click on anything. That includes the restart
: button in the start menu... Me: Um, Ok. Well the power button on the
: computer should work also, Try holding it in for 10 seconds - your
: computer should shut off. *10 Seconds Later* Client: WOW IT WORKED!
: YOU'RE A GENIUS!!! DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE FOR THIS STUFF? Me: No I
: didn't, I'm just familiar with computers. Client: Oh wow your really
: smart, well thanks again! *2 weeks later* Me: Hello Client: Hey, my
: computer froze again and I forgot that restart thing you told me the
: other week, could you walk me through it again? ...... -_-
--
Onideus Mad Hatter
mhm น x น
http://www.backwater-productions.net
http://www.backwater-productions.net/hatter-blog
Hatter Quotes
-------------
"When I listen to people I don't really listen to what it is they're
saying, so much as what they're saying it for."
"Don't ever fuck with someone who has more creativity than you do."
"You're only one of the best if you're striving to become one of the
best."
"I didn't make reality, Sunshine, I just verbally bitch slapped you
with it."
"I'm not a professional, I'm an artist."
"Usenet Filters - Learn to shut yourself the fuck up!"
"Drugs killed Jesus you know...oh wait, no, that was the Jews, my
bad."
"The more I learn the more I'm killing my idols."
"Is it wrong to incur and then use the hate ridden, vengeful stupidity
of complete strangers in random Usenet froups to further my art?"
"Freedom is only a concept, like race it's merely a social construct
that doesn't really exist outside of your ability to convince others
of its relevancy."
"Next time slow up a lil, then maybe you won't jump the gun and start
creamin yer panties before it's time to pop the champagne proper."
"Reality is directly proportionate to how creative you are."
"People are pretty fucking high on themselves if they think that
they're just born with a soul. *snicker*...yeah, like they're just
givin em out for free."
"How sad that you're such a poor judge of style that you can't even
properly gauge the artistic worth of your own efforts."
"Those who record history are those who control history."
"I am the living embodiment of hell itself in all its tormentive rage,
endless suffering, unfathomable pain and unending horror...but you
don't get sent to me...I come for you."
"Ideally in a fight I'd want a BGM-109A with a W80 250 kiloton
tactical thermonuclear fusion based war head."
"Tell me, would you describe yourself more as a process or a
function?"
"Apparently this group has got the market cornered on stupid.
Intelligence is down 137 points across the board and the forecast
indicates an increase in Webtv users."
"Is my .sig delimiter broken? Really? You're sure? Awww,
gee...that's too bad...for YOU!" `, )
stermen
"Onideus Mad Hatter" <use...@backwater-productions.net> ha scritto nel
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