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IRAQI JOKE LIST!!

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Dale Fraser

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Apr 10, 1991, 10:57:32 PM4/10/91

Sorry it took so long to get this out, but better late than never!
Do NOT flame me for these jokes since none of them were mine.
Enjoy!!
DF
------------------------------------------------------------------

You have to feel sorry for the Iraqi people...
They don't know if they've been Saddam-ized or Bush-whacked!

Q: what's the difference between an iraqi woman and
a catfish?

A: one has whiskers and smells and the other lives in the ocean.

One day this fag walked into this manly-man bar...the kind of
bar where barroom brawls don't result in a call to the police...anyway,
the fag walks up to the bar and challenges anyone there to a game of
fartabeer. All present sort of grumble (unaware of the guy's sexual
preference) and the biggest, meanest guy stands up and says, "You're on."
The fag then describes the rules of the game -- you chug a beer
in under 4 seconds for six points, then drop your drawers and fart for the
extra point. The one with the most points after ten minutes, wins.
Having given the rules, the contestants flip a coin to see who
goes first...the fag does. He then grabs a beer, and chugs it. Drops
his pants and unloads a monster fart...the tough buy mumbles something
under his breath and then grabs his beer. He promptly chugs it down
and drops his drawers to complete the first round, but then the
fag interjects, "Block the kick, block the kick!"...

From: hel...@cory.Berkeley.EDU (John J. Helmsen)

Q. How many Scuds does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A. None. They're intercepted before they reach
their targets.

Q. How many members of the Iraqi Joint Chiefs of
Staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to
find out the actual results, one to tell
Saddam what Saddam wants to hear, and finally
one to be shot for it.

Q. How many members of the coalition forces does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

------------

Reply-To: ry...@linc.cis.upenn.edu (Ron Rymon)

Q: What is in common between Baghdad and Hiroshima?
A: Nothing. Yet. (No flames please, just a joke)

Q: What is in common between Saddam and his father?
A: Both didn't withdraw on time. ;-)

The Mayor of Tel Aviv before the Scuds actually came: "The missiles
can maybe arrive in 5 minutes from Iraq, but I am sure it would take
them over an hour to find a parking place".

And after the missiles arrived and the Mayor called "deserters" those
who left Tel Aviv for neighbouring cities, some asked to develop
a special mask for him... with a filter on the MOUTH.

---------------

Yet more collected Iraqi War jokes.....

==============================

>From: be...@idi.UUCP (Berry Kercheval)

I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune:

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?

He elected to receive.

--berry
==============================
Subject: Quality Assurance - Iraqi Style
>From: j...@iwtgo.att.com

General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report
that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and
Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added:

"He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program."

Jeff David
==============================
Subject: A frightening analogy
>From: j...@s1.gov (utumno)

Seen on a protester's sign in San Francisco this past Saturday (1/26):

Following
George Bush
into a war
is like following
Neil Bush
into a Savings and Loan

-- Jordin Kare

==============================
>From: forr...@cory.berkeley.edu (Steve Forrette)
Subject: Anti-war protesters

Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests? Some look quite
like a freak show... Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home"?
Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots.

(Original joke by Tom Miller)

==============================
Subject: Not an idle threat
>From: dod...@mozart.convex.com (Dave Dodson)

News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American
lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dave Dodson dod...@convex.COM
Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas (214) 497-4234
==============================
Subject: War Humor: The Magic Kingdom (Saudi?)
>From: @scivax.stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)

"We validated the physical principle that water
runs downhill."
-- Marine Lt. Col. Jay Vesely
on digging a foxhole in the rain.

==============================
Subject: War Humor: Fighter Pilot Mystique
>From: @scivax.stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)

"We put on our pants the same way as everybody
else. It's just that ours have shirts attached."
-- A US Navy fighter pilot on the mystique
of his job.

==============================
>From: ragh...@fred.nas.nasa.gov (Venkatraman Raghavan)

Paraphrased from Time magazine, dated 2-4-91, without permission:

It is reported (in a certain Kuwaiti newspaper-in-exile
currently published from Saudi Arabia) that Saddam Hussein
has employed 50 astrologers to help him in planning the war.

Well, it worked for Ronald Reagan, didn't it?
--

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(not for posting)
P.S.: Thanks fo cheering up my mornings.
==============================
Subject: Saddam Hussein
>From: be...@idi.UUCP (Berry Kercheval)

The missle attacks on Israel and Saudi Arabia are the results of a
misunderstanding, Baghdad Radio announced today. The crews manning
the launchers thought Hussein said to launch the attack.

Saddam says "No, I said 'Scud Light'".

--berry
==============================
Subject: UNIX joke.
>From: ja...@corniceii.hisoft.infocomm.com (James B. Armstrong)

Brad,

Greetings. You probably remember me, I used to be nyssa@terminus. Anyway,
I'm at yet another new job (DHL did not work out, they were a sweat shop,
and I'm not the type to last at a sweatshop!) that does not have net.access.
I hope I remember the correct address for topical submissions.

Anyway, here it is:

The War in the Persian Gulf gives the opportunity for the first true
UNIX holiday. In the tradition of VE Day (May 7, 1945) and VJ Day (September
2, 1945), if the Allies beat Iraq, there will be a VI Day.

Cheers,

James Armstrong
ja...@hisoft.infocomm.com
==============================
Subject: Gen. Schwartzkopf an Imposter?
>From: jbtu...@arcsun.arc.ab.ca (Jim Tubman)

Has anyone else ever noticed the startling resemblance between
U.S. General Norman Schwartzkopf and comedian Jonathan Winters?
Have they ever been seen together?

--Jim Tubman
==============================
Subject: Music for Our Boys: Doris Day and the Persian Gulf War
>From: @scivax.stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)

This is original to me, and started as a response to an
Oracle Question.

If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in
_The_Man_Who_Knew_Too_Much_, you should really make
an effort. Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her
kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up.
Here's the new version, updated for current events:

When I was just a little boy
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be handsome,
will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me:

Hey Saddam, Saddam,
Whatever will be will be
But you're messing with Mean Marines,
Hey Saddam, Saddam.

When I was just a boy in school
I asked my teacher, what should I try?
Should I try gassing,
or making bombs?
Here was her wise reply:

Hey Saddam, Saddam....

When I grew up and joined the war,
I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave?
Will I kick asses,
will I take names?
Here's what he screamed and raved:

Hey Saddam, Saddam....

When I sent troops into Kuwait ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The 19th Province
I asked my Generals, how will we do?
How long 'till victory
is in our hands?
These words they spoke were true:

Hey Saddam, Saddam....

Now I have armies of my own
They ask their leader will we survive?
Down in the bunkers,
Where the bombs fall,
They know I'm still alive!

Hey Saddam, Saddam,
I guess that we'll all know soon,
'Cause Norm has a plan for doom!
Hey Saddam, Saddam
What will be, will be.

==============================
Subject: Saddam and Lisa
>From: hb...@biostats.hmc.psu.edu (Harold Buck)

I heard this one from a friend:

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Lisa Olson have in common?

A: They've both been faced with Patriot missiles

-Harold Buck
==============================
Subject: Smart Weapons
>From: gsc...@portia.stanford.edu

(This is original.)

Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart
weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office
to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the
main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching
the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct
password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before
detonating.

The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different
concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to
the designer, "You want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No,
no, no. Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of
introduction, 'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or
words to that effect. I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a
half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well,
it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance staff.
I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology.
If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could
reach an amicable agreement.'"

I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons
might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong flavor
of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an
Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe."
There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.

For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make
weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more
complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness
of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is.

----------

From: kor...@ebay.sun.com (Steven Grimm)

Now the Iraqi government is showing pictures of a blasted church, supposedly
hit by allied missiles.

But if God is with the Iraqi army, isn't that a military target?

---------

>From: to...@mantis.co.uk (Tony Lezard)

Did you hear about the Iraqui commander who paid $30,000 for a piece of
sandpaper? He'd been told it was a map of Kuwait!

Did you know that the Iraqis have found two new uses for camels? Food and
transport!

Iraqui soldiers are having to change their socks twice a day because of the
smell of de-feet!

Q: What's the difference between the Iraqi army and a loaf of bread?
A: You can make soldiers out of the bread!

It's been discovered that the Iraqis are not to blame for the oil slicks
in the Gulf after all. Apparently it was caused by the Italian navy having
a swim...

Saddam is also thought to believe that Bush actually likes him a lot because
he heard George was giving him a Cruise for his birthday!

-------------

>From: br...@pyrxbooter.pyramid.com (Bill Reid)

SCUD:
Saddam Clearly Understands D-day.
System Currently Under Development.

Saddam has been saying for months that he has even more terrifying secret
weapons at his disposal. Milatary intelligence has finally uncovered the
purpose and names of these new weapons:
What will Saddam use to bomb a potato field? A spud missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a detergent factory? A sud missle!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a condom dispenser? A pud missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a cow pasture? A cud missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a drycleaners? A mud missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a brewery? A Bud(tm) missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a movie theater candy counter? A Dud(tm) missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a rabbit-hunting cartoon character?
A Fudd missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a Paul Newman movie? A Hud missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a coutry-western duet? A Judd missile!
" " " " " " " " " " " " " " a breeding stallion? A stud missile!
-------------

>From: gb...@mcnc.org (Gregory T. Byrd)

The military jargon that we've heard through the continuous
coverage of Operation Desert Storm has started to permeate
our lives.

My wife and I are in the midst of toilet training
with my 2-year-old. After one such "training mission," my
wife asked, "How'd it go?"

"Well, I don't want to encourage a sense of euphoria, but I'm
quite pleased with the results. Three scuds were launched,
along with two false alarms. Some traces of chemical emissions
were detected, but not enough to warrant the gas mask. While
I was impressed with the air attack, the grunts were eventually
required to get the job done."

-------------------

>From: bui@.nsc.com (cb)

New anti-hussein song (sung to "Chestnuts roasting....)

Hussein roasting over a napalm bomb.
Warthogs nipping at his nose
The Iraqi Army, with their tanks all on fire,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that air strikes are on the way
They're bringing lots of bombs and bullets to the fray
And every AWACS plane is going to spy
To see if Iraqis really know how to fly.

And so I offer you this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Saddam Hussein, screw you.

---------------

>From: mat...@castle.ed.ac.uk (M White)

Seen in "a popular British newspaper" :

How many Iraqis does it take to change a light bulb?
1001 : 1 to change the bulb and 1000 to build the power station.

-------------

Reply-To: cr...@bnr-rsc.UUCP (Bill Crick)

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber
and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk
fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft
with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes-
ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like.
The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you
guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
"Watch," he tells them.

After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots
say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll,
got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

How many US forces personel does it take to change a light bulb.

" One of our pilots can takeout a light bulb with surgical precision
using one of our $750,000 laser guided high tech Unwinder Light Bulb
Replacement Ordinance units. Note that some collateral damage in
residential areas may occur.

--------------

>From: c...@hpfcso.HP.COM (CT Hart)

Since we've dropped into footbal-iraq jokes:

It's shaping up to be a great game...
...there's the toss...
...and Iraq appears to have won!
Looks like they've elected to receive...

----------------

>From: okun...@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)

"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."

-----------------

>From: gra...@maxwell.physics.purdue.edu (Kevin R. Grazier)

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.

-----------------

>From: bdh@uchicago (Brian D. Howard)

WHat do you call an Iraqui tank that has been painted pink?
-Thats a mosque.
What do you call the white one with the red crescent?
-Thats a hospital.
How do you tell the Iraqui Hero?
-He's the one that waited 30 seconds before he surrendered.

-----------------

>From: c...@dce.ie (Charles Bryant)

Gulf war latest:
Americans announce that the 'milk factory' was in fact a
centre for exterminating curds.

---------------

>From: SYSDRG%ALBNYVM1.BITNET (Don Gallerie)

Heard on DAYNET radio (don't know the announcer):

Anheizer-Busch just introduce a new beer, "SCUD LITE".
Takes twelve before it hits you.

---------------

>From: car...@nunki.usc.edu (Roger RDC Carasso)

In light of Saddam Hussein's assertion that his troops have been victorious
over the coalition forces, the following announcements have been noted:

- Descendents of General George Custer are claiming the 7th Cavalry
actually acheived a "stunning victory" over the Sioux at the battle
of Little Big Horn

- Pee Wee Herman has announced that he is the rightful winner of the
"Mr. Universe" and "Mr. Olympia" titles for the years 1986-1990

- The Los Angeles Clippers have pronounced themselves 1990 NBA
Champions, a claim which is being challenged by the Sacramento Kings

- Argentina has announced that, following their "crushing defeat" of
the British, they in fact left the Malvinas (Falklands) under the
control of an "occupation force" -- thousands of sheep who were
hastily given military commissions

------------------

>From: hur...@cos.com (Brian N. Hurless)

Overheard on a Washington D.C. radio station:

Saddam Hussein is sitting in his office when he turns to his favorite
mirror and says "Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the worst leader of them all".
A few minutes later, he calls for his secretary and demands "Find out
who this Marion Barry is!".

------------------

>From: fell...@samsung.UUCP (John Felleman)

TOP TEN REASONS WHY OPERATION DESERT STORM IS NOT ANOTHER VIET NAM

10) Viet Nam was a jungle war;
Desert Storm is a desert war. (as noted by V.P. Quayle)

9) The U.S. is not the world's most profligate waster of rice.

8) We are not killing Vietnamese women and children in Desert Storm.

7) The White House wasn't smart enough to come up with a catchy name
for the Viet Nam war.

7') Viet Nam was a conflict--Desert Storm is an operation.

6) Some Americans actually believed that we were defending a democratic
government in Viet Nam.

5) The time difference from the U.S. to the middle east is better suited
to prime time live coverage of the festivities.

4) Nobody ever compared Ho Chi Minh to Adolf Hitler.

3) We hadn't been supplying weapons and intelligence to the North Vietnamese
until weeks before the war began.

2) The networks didn't have slick computer graphics with dramatic theme
music for the Viet Nam war.

and the number one reason why Operation Desert Storm is not like Viet Nam:

1) Since Viet Nam came first, we could claim that we didn't know any better.

----------------

>From: bloss...@lrc.uucp

WHAT WE SHOULD DO TO SADDAM HUSSEIN (IF WE EVER GET OUR HANDS ON HIM:)

1) Tie him up to a chair with barbed wire in a padded, sound-proof cell, and
force him to listen to 48+ hours of New Kids On The Block (I figure forty
eight hours of nonstop packaged music should be enough.Anything exceeding
that would drive a man insane...)

2) Gouge out his eyes, rip out his intestines, force-feed his bowels to him,
dip him in a hot vat of boiling acid, napalm him, frag him, tear off his
face and stomp on him with combat boots until he's nothing but a bloody,
rotting pulp of steaming guts and flesh (...and then we'll *really* get
nasty).

3) Throw him to a raging mass of starving pit-bulls with rabies that have gone
without food for 30 days.

4) Throw him to the Israelis.

5) Throw him to the Kuwaitis.

6) Tar and feather him and make him crawl around Baghdad for two days on his
hands and knees...and then lick the boots of George Bush.

7) Throw him to the Americans.

8) Drop him (by parachute) on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific,
and then *NUKE* him (then again, that'll be too easy...we want a slow,
merciless death; not a quick one).

9) Bury him in sand up to his neck on the shores of the Persian Gulf,...and
let him get a good taste of oil as the tide rolls in.

10) You decide...I'm running out of ideas.

----------------

>From: Ben.H...@uc.edu (Ben Hawkins, ACS Staff)

(Note: this was heard on the radio. I believe it is true.)

During the Gulf Crisis, airports have had to beef up their
security. One airport went as far as to hire psychiatrists as
security guards, so they could evaluate the mental states of the
waiting passengers. On the first day, a psychiatrist arrested
a fellow psychiatrist.

--------------

>From: ci...@vaxb.acs.unt.edu (((((C.Irby)))))

Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I give up!

--------------

>From: jma...@ntmtv.UUCP (Jeff Martin)

This just in from Radio Bagdad:

"Help! My army has fallen.....
...and it can't get up"

----------------

>From: pa...@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Pat Van Hoomissen)

True Story - Last week one of our troops, a lance corporal, called up the
Bagdad Hotel to make reservations for a party to be held in a week. "And how
many will there be in your party?" the women asked seriously...

---------------

>From: di...@hpcc01.HP.COM (Ron Dick)

I understand that Iraq is already cleaning-up Baghdad. They plan to
reopen all the Taco Bells. This is because all the Iraqi troops are
"making a run for the border".

--------------

>From: to...@tacky.cs.olemiss.edu (Tony Reynolds)

A few days before the Air Assault on Iraqi forces began, a friend
of mine and I were standing in line at a grocery store, and we saw
a headline similar to this:

Thousands of Attack Cats Poised to Take on Iraq!

in one of those counter-rags. On the way back to his house, we
discovered the method for delivery: Howitzer.

Howitzer? HOWITZER? Okay, it works like this. In the U.S., chemical
weapons are designed for safe transport by dividing the weapon into two
parts, A & B. Separately, the components are pretty much okay to handle,
and they are only mixed at impact (or perhaps in flight, I really don't
know)

To deliver these Thousands of Attack Cats, we decided the cats would
be called part A and placed carefully into the shell before launch.

Part B? Well, that's the catch! Its water, pure H20!

At impact, the cat and the water mix.....

(Now, picture Iraqi warriors (hah!) with two or three screaming, hissing
wet cats stuck to him! Arrrrggggg)

-------------

>From: cr...@locus.com (Craig Bennett)

*** FOR SALE ***

For Sale: Used, Soviet made T-55 and T-72 tanks.
Need some work. Call 1-800-USARMY, ask
for Norman.

-------------

>From: ma2...@prism.gatech.edu (Yang Wang)

I overheard this on Jay Leno's Tonight Show.

1) "Saddam claimed that after the massive air bombing by the UN force, he had
talked God in his bunker 6o feet underground. I don't believe it: when you
are 60 feet underground, it is not God!"

Regarding the Persian Gulf, what's the difference between the US and France,
and Japan and Germany?

The US and France yelled, "Charge!" and waved their rifles.

Japan and Germany yelled, "Charge!" and waved their credit cards.

--------------

>From: mor...@jessica.stanford.edu

Here are some slogans I copied from signs held by marchers in the big
anti-war demonstration here in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago.
There were hundreds more; these are the ones I liked the best.

Send Bush, Send Quayle, Send Neil Bush When He Gets Out of Jail
Boys Say Yes to Boys Who Say No
What If Kuwait's Main Export Were Broccoli?
Another Neurotic Lesbian from a Dysfunctional Family for Peace
Do People Really Die for Oil? People Do
Enough BU__SH__
The Future of Your Children is in Our Body Bags
I'll Try to Hold Back My Euphoria
Visualize Whirled Peas
18 Males to the Gallon is Too Expensive
Barbara, Stop Him!
Denial is Not a River in Egypt, It Flows Through the Heart of America
Vegetarians Against Carnage
Surf Kuwait
Send Imelda Marcos to Iraq
I Don't
War Gives Me Gas
To Bush & Saddam: Cock-Fighting is Illegal
We're Tired, We're Cranky, We Don't Like the Government
How Many Body Bags Per Gallon?
Another Fascist Terrorist for Peace
Lobotomies for Republicans: It's the Law!
Stop Fighting and Clean Up your Mess!
No Mo Woe
Another Aggie Against Aggression
Another Chinese Bisexual Deadhead Sadomasochist Porn Star for Peace
Saddam and George Need Couples Counseling
Desert Shield is Not a Feminine Product
Read My Labia: No More War
Making the World Safe for Big Chevys
If You Can't Trust the (Ex) Head of the Secret Police, Who Can You Trust?
Bush Gives My Pubic Hair a Bad Name
You're Having Sex Right Now and You Don't Even Know It; You're Being
Screwed by George Bush and He Won't Even Call You in the Morning
War is Menstruation Envy
If War is the Answer, Then It's a Stupid Fucking Question
A Child in Baghdad Died for My Car
Willie Horton Would Never Have Done This
Following George into a War is Like Following Neil into a Bank

And my favorites:

Kick Butt, Then What?
At Least We Can Drive to the Funeral

-------------

>From: Ar...@relay.prime.com (Robert Ullmann)

(original: Rob Ullmann, ar...@relay.prime.com)

Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft
somewhere near Baghdad:

Dear Saddam,

We have your Army.

If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small
bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them
on the road to Basra. We will find them.

-- G. B.

--------------

>From: das...@blanc.usl.edu (Stephenson Daniel A)

Mother of all Battles?

Mother of all retreats. (Sec. Dick Cheney)
Mother of all "Let's see who can surrender first."
Mother of all "Let's see who can surrender to a journalist first."
Mother of all one-sided slaughters. (Paul Edward Shipley)
Mother of all rallying Jordan and Yemen
Mother of all "Let's see how unpopular the dictatorship becomes-and still
stay in power."
Mother of all "drowning the dog infidels in their own blood."
Mother of all "quick!- find something white!"
Mother of all __elite__, "blow your brains out and slurp them" Republican Guard.
Mother of all patriot missile success.
Mother of all "Let's see who can surrender to a journalist who has punch and
cookies first."
Mother of all radio stations named "Mother of all Battles" (KMOB in Bagdad).
Mother of all peace movements.
Mother of all "Who me?!? __I'm__ not an Iraqi soldier! (said 37 minutes ago
in Kuwait City.)
Mother of all "Sure we won, by Allah! Why would great Saddam lie?"
Mother of all amphibious landings.
Mother of all "The U.S. is a paper tiger. I laugh at their silly ultimatums!
Ha!
Mother of all excuses to blaspheme Iraq with "MOAB" slogans.

------------

>From: mrbg...@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Matt Byer)

Apparently Saddam (with the stress on the second syllable)
translates somewhat literally to "learned one".

On the other hand, Saddam (with the stress on the first
syllable and a nasal "a" as George Bush uses) translates
to "shoe-shine boy".

-------------

>From: bhun...@contact.UUCP (Brian Huntley)

Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement
is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved
in the anti-Iraq coalition.

When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to
me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!".

---------------

>From: ma...@typhoon.ucar.edu (Mark Bradford)

Heard this morning on CNN that a lot of the Iraqi troops surrendered when,
instead of the foot soldiers they were expecting, American tanks rolled
in.

Didn't anybody tell 'em that Americans never walk anywhere they can drive?

---------------

>From: cam...@polyslo.calpoly.edu (++Christopher();)

Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.

"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."

"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.

"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream
I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I
saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to
make peace."

"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night
as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag."

"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?"

"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew."

---------------

>From: ja...@gaul.csd.uwo.ca (Jamie Blustein)

From the business pages of Toronto's National Newspaper:
"Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas
stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six monts." - Bill Tammeus

---------------

>From: joh...@microsoft.UUCP (John E. Elsbree)

Idea for a political cartoon (original):

[ Picture: Dan Quayle cowering under a table;
George Bush leaning over and speaking to him. ]

Bush: "No, Dan, we're not bombing Republicans that were in the Guard...
we're bombing the _Iraqi_ Republican Guard."

---------------

>From: do...@hpmwtd.HP.COM (Don Dillon)

*** FOR SALE ***

For Sale: Used, Soviet made T-55 and T-72 tanks.
Need some work. Call 1-800-USARMY, ask
for Norman.

Runs great forward, reverse gear burned out.

-------------------

>From: do...@hpmwtd.HP.COM (Don Dillon)

And my favorite is :

We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your seats
in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000 years.

------------------

>From: smr...@wyrmham.UUCP (Steven Ryan)

Radio Baghdad still claims an Iraqi victory.
And Radio San Francisco still claims an American defeat.

---------------

>From: adr...@cs.hw.ac.uk (Adrian Hurt)

One Allied soldier said it was going to be the Mother of all Battles,
followed by the Grandmother of all Parties.

Radio Baghdad was claiming great Iraqi victories; BBC had a reporter passing
a long line of wrecked Iraqi tanks and artillery, commenting "If this is their
idea of victory, it is hard to imagine what they would call a defeat".

Two divisions of the Iraqi army have withdrawn from the Turkish border. The
explanation given on TV is that they are heading for Baghdad, in an attempt
to help keep Saddam Hussein in power. Personally, I think that a Turkish
border guard stepped out of his sentry box and yelled "We're coming to get
you!"

---------------

>From: C.R...@genie.com

Heard this one at the office. "Why are there no WalMarts in Baghdad?
Because there is a Target on every corner!"

---------------

>From: PAR...@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU

How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven. One to screw in the new light bulb, and six to beat up the guy who
broke the old light bulb.

Why did the P.O.W.s captured by Iraq agree to make statements on Iraqi TV?

The Iraqis threatened to tell the L.A. police about the P.O.W.'s unpaid
traffic tickets.

Remember Bush's speech last night where he told the story about the U.S.
soldier who tried to calm a frightened Iraqi P.O.W. by saying, "It's OK,
you're all right now."?
Well, what the soldier actually said was, "It's OK, I'm not with the L.A.
police."

Did you hear they're going to make "L.A. Story II"? In the sequel, Steve
Martin again breaks about 20 traffic laws on his morning commute to work
and exchanges gunfire with other drivers on the freeways, and his English
girlfriend still drives on the wrong side of the road; but unlike the
original, the L.A.P.D. catchs up with them in the sequel.

So how many times do you think the cops hit poor Steve?
None, because they know they're on film.

---------------

>From: z...@umvlsi.ecs.umass.edu (George Zhu)

During the Persian Gulf war, CNN reporter
Peter Arnett was once the only Western journalist in Baghdad. Here's
David Letterman's Top 10 List:

Top Ten Things Peter Arnett Does for Fun:

10. Celebrity judge on Iraqi Dance Fever
9. Each day tries a new falafel palce for lunch
8. Two words: veil chasing
7. Daily letter to Jodie Foster
6. Drives them nuts in Hussein's bunker by repeatedly phoning and asking
if "Shlomo" is there
5. Swaps Quayle jokes with Iraqi censors
4. Dreams about free trip he will take after he cashes in his frequent
flyer miles from Eastern Airlines
3. Nude volleyball with Republican Guards
2. Puts speakers out hotel windows and blasts "Born in the USA"
1. Dresses up like Diane Sawyer

------------

>From: d...@aaisd.UUCP (Don Traub)

Just heard that the polish military just sent forces to
the gulf....Poor mexicans didn't know what to do with them!

Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and an Iraqi woman?

A: The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

In article <S23f...@looking.on.ca>, J.KO...@genie.com (KRAFTY) writes:
Q: Did you hear that the L. A. Lakers drafted Saddam Hussein?

A: Yes, they wanted someone who could Shoot over Jordan.

---------

Reply-To: adr...@cs.hw.ac.uk (Adrian Hurt)

One Allied soldier said it was going to be the Mother of all Battles,
followed by the Grandmother of all Parties.

------------

From: k...@perch.cis.ohio-state.edu (larissa kun)

When people would say "No blood for oil" to a friend of mine, he'd
reply "No blood for tea."

---------

com...@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (BACS Data Communications Group) writes:

What do you call two Iraqi women entering a bar?
Incoming SCUDS!

Palestinian women are naming their babies "Saddam" and "Scud."

----------

Frank re...@ucs.indiana.edu

name for saddam overheard in a bar in miami, fl:
"soddomize hussein"

-----------

From: da...@mwunix.mitre.org (David Davis)

The reason why our war against Iraq only lasted about
4 days is that Americans don't have sufficient attention
span to support anything that lasts any longer than that.

-----------

From: oco...@evax10.eng.fsu.edu (OCONNOR)

Some commercial for the local bar "BULLWINKLE'S" waz advertising a party
they were throwing for Sadam losing the war.
part of it was this.....

"...come try the new SCUD PUNCH... I can't tell you whats in it
but it goes down real easy!!!!"

------------

From: jo...@hp-vcd.HP.COM (John Eaton)

Saddam was right about one thing. This was not going to
be like Panama or Granada.

They put up a much better fight.

-----------

From: sco...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Steve Coile)

Imagine majestic scenes of our troops moving triumphantly through
Kuwait, with the Star Spangled Banner playing...

Then, General Schwartzkopf walking through a group of troops,
congratulating them...

The Star Spangled Banner slowly fades out, allowing a more apporpriate
theme to start up. We then hear an announcer's voice:

"General Schwartzkopf, leader of the coalition forces, you've just won
the Pursian Gulf war! Where are you going now?"

<chuckle> Need I say more? It'd make a great SNL skit...

-----------

From: cl...@vaxb.acs.unt.edu

What will Saddam's new job be after things settle down?
Manager of "MOTHER OF ALL McDONALDS".

-----------

From: b...@ms.uky.edu (E. Gilliam)

Ah.. I saw a political cartoon in the Louisville
Courier-Journal.

Picture this:

A big, overwhelming shadow facing a sole Saddam,
who weilds a scimitar in one hand and a pistol in
the other.

The shadow is labeled "Civil Revolts".

The caption: Saddam Hussein is about to encounter the
mother-in-law of all battles.

------------

From: cj...@locus.com (Chengi Jimmy Kuo)

This is true, on KFWB when I was driving home. Doubt it was ever
replayed since it was a live interview:

Reporter: What's the first thing you'd like to eat when you get home?
Soldier in Saudi Arabia: Umm, I don't know if I can say that into this
little microphone.
(Long pause)

Reporter: What's the first thing you'd like to drink?

-------------

From: sea...@maths.tcd.ie (J o' Farrell(tdp))

The Americans have reportedly said that they are still worried about
the Iraqi's but the threat is on a different front.ie the next olympics!

Why? You cry despondantly!
Well this is why I whisper:

They are simply afraid that the Iraq armed forces will get to enter. The
Americans have discovered that the Iraqi Tank men can run faster than Ben
Johnson and none of them take steroids!!!!

----------

From: dn...@rmatl.UUCP (John C. Martin)

Alternate phrase for Desert Storm:

DESERT STOMP

-----------

From: mar...@ucs.adelaide.edu.au (Martin Boyd)

IRAQIS NEW EMBLEMS -
====== === =======

1. During the war the Iraqis decided to change their National Bird
to DUCK !!!???!!!

2. They also decided to change their Flag design to a White cross on
a White background.

-------------

From: schl...@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Kevin Schlegelmilch)

Iraq joke: I've got good news and bad news.

The bad news is that the Martians have landed.
The good news is that they eat Iraqis and p*ss gasoline.

-------------

From: paul@taos

What's Sadam Hussein's next job?
Working at the mother of all 7-11's.

--------------

From: <dkl...@NMSU.Edu>

For all those thinking of taking a trip over to Iraq this summer,
Here are some useful Arabic phrases as sent to the Washington
Press Corps.

Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan.
"Thankyou for showing me your marvellous gun"

Auto arraregh devateman mano sepahehast.
"It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in
The boot of your car"

Fashel-el tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeshayeh moohemraje
behxdesh.
"If you will do me the honour of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public"

Tikeh nuneh baobkhreleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram.
"The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious,
I must have the recipe"

-------------

From: funny-...@looking.on.ca (Funny Guy)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Telephone box jokes, topical
From: Michael...@newcastle.ac.uk (Michael Marsden)

These are some jokes I posted to alt.tasteless a while ago. I was
reminded of them by the matchbox joke that arrived here today. If you
don't know what a telephone box is, just think "matchbox".

All but the first are original.

Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight

Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it

Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq

Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved

Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it

Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado

Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there

Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Penton-ville Prison

Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it

Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's the American Embassy

Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest

Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming

Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah

Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers

Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's in Baghdad

Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories

Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box?
A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box...

Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box?
A: Make the other 70 homeless

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: SADDAM'S DOCTORS
From: SBR...@kentvm.kent.edu (Steven R. Brown)

Attributed to Jay Leno, in this evening's paper:

It's amazing how well prepared Saddam Hussein is. In his bunker with
him he has a heart surgeon in case something happens to his heart, a
podiatrist in case something happens to his feet, and a proctologist
in case something happens to his brain.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Hottest Movie in IRAQ
From: ra...@cblph.UUCP (Rahul Jindal +1 614 860 4249)

Which is the hottest movie in IRAQ?

Honey I SCUD the YIDs!!
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Cleared by U.S. Military
From: dla...@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com (Dale Larson)

While watching the Superbowl half-time show, I saw video depicting tanks
traveling across sand dunes with titles saying "cleared by U.S. military."
My immediate reaction was say that the area used to be filled with urban
sprawl and that our military had really been effective in leveling it all.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: ra...@noao.edu
Subject: boys and girls

No more supporting "our boys in the field." Even unreconstructed
generals now refer to "our fighting men and women." To paraphrase
NPR's Cokie Roberts, it won't be the first time it took a woman to
make a boy into a man.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
From: ala...@milton.u.washington.edu (Local Violator)
Subject: Re: maybe yes, maybe no

Q. What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?

A. We've bombed the shit out of all of 'em!!

(No Offense.....) :D
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Frozen oil prices
From: nic...@cs.umn.edu (Thomas M. Niccum)

Last night CNN reported that four major oil companies have promised
to freeze oil prices during operation "Desert Storm".

I suppose that they'll keep this policy in effect no matter how
low the price of oil drops.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: U14...@uicvm.UUCP (John R. Andrews)
Subject: Word Play in the Gulf (topical,original)

SADDAM HUSSEIN is just an amagram for HIDE US, DAMN ASS.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: k...@ecn.purdue.edu (Kevin J Podsiadlik)
Subject: How to scare Saddam Hussein

One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein:

Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the
Union address:

"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."

Kevin Podsiadlik
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: rod...@ecst.csuchico.edu (D.A. Harris)
Subject: Quote from the Iraqi invasion

Most memorable quote of the War:

"He asked for it, he got it, it just happened not to be a Toyota", said
Prince Fahid of Saudi Arabia, of Saddam Hussein, during an interveiw with NBC's
Arthur Kent in Dhahran approximatly 12 hours after the first invasion of Iraq
by Allied forces.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Iraq vs. Canada

I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the
Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.
--
a1040%mind...@van-bc.uucp

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Camels
From: wig...@osiris.cso.uiuc.edu (EN Div, USA-CECER, 217-352-6511 x 444)

Camels are so mean spirited because they retain water every single day.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: bch...@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bob Church)

Considering the luck Husseins been having with his Scud missiles and
anti-aircraft guns lately I'd bet he can't use the bathroom without
getting his shoes wet.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: fl...@mcgp1.UUCP (Dan Flak)
Subject: Saddam Hussein holding back

According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has
committed "only a fraction of his forces". (In other words, he's
committing only those forces that are still operational).
Dan Flak - McCaw Cellular Communications Inc., 201 Elliot Ave W.,
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: stu...@ihlpa.att.com
Subject: Saddam's Communication System...

During the first press conference with Secretary Cheney
and General Powell, one reporter asked how Saddam Hussein
could communicate with the United States in the event that
he would want to negotiate. The general completely avoided
the question.

However, recent reports indicate a weak signal eminating from
central Iraq. Analysts are confirming that the voice is that
of Saddam Hussein. Roughly translated, the message reads
"I'VE FALLEN... AND I CAN'T GET UP!!"

My original, with apologies to Jay Leno.

Stuart Ericson AT&T Bell Laboratories

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: jn...@andrew.cmu.edu (J. Peter Neergaard)
Subject: What to do with Iraq

The world faces a couple of problems...

What should the US do with Iraq after the war?

Saddam is very interested in linkage to Palestine...

The Palestinians have been looking for a homeland...

The clear solution would seem to be, the creation of the new Palestinian
Homeland... Iraqestine.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: her...@crl.dec.com
Subject: Patriot missles, original, topical

Q: What does one Raytheon engineer say to another?

A: How about them Patriots?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: don...@palomar.sandiego.ncr.com (Donna Mitchell)
Subject: Mrs. Saddam

>From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991:

What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why
she's leaving the country?
a) "We're having some remodeling done."
b) "The exterminators are coming."
c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."
d) All of the above.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: tj...@tadtec.UUCP (Tim Steele)
Subject: Week Ending joke

>From the British satirical radio show "Week Ending":

Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we
do?"

Bush: "Send in Colin Powell"

Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"

Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!"

Powell: "Sir!"

Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on
Wednesday night?"

Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city
razed to the ground, Sir!"

Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon!
Give it to me in words I can understand."

Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral
upheaval, Sir!"

Bush: "That bad?!"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: standard Iraqi bidding
From: scott%ferrari.la...@relay.cs.net

An original:

At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard
American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new
bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened
the bidding, they threw rocks at the next table.
--
Scott Huddleston
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: e...@frame.com (Eric Griswold)
Subject: The British and the war

(This is original)

I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the
Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to
say the word "scud".
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: dkr...@orion.oac.uci.edu (Doug Krause)
Subject: Iraqi Career Moves

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Douglas Krause
University of California, Irvine Internet: dkr...@orion.oac.uci.edu
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: dha...@amiganet.UUCP (Dave Hansen)
Subject: Jokes

Heard on SNL 1/19/91:
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
NONE. They can't turn them on anyway.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: s...@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Steve Loughran)
Subject: Iraq vs. France

So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?

The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable
evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace.

-Steve

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: k...@wyse.com (Ken Drottar x2582 dept303)
Subject: war in the gulf

Bill Mandel, in the 1/20/91 San Francisco Examiner & Chronicle describes
the gulf war as 'War Lite, high in accomplishments with two-thirds fewer
casualties than our regular war'.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: li...@ssl.berkeley.edu (Richard Link)
Subject: Armageddon

Heard this one on Paul Harvey's syndicated radio show yesterday.
He claims it's true.

There is a rabbi in Israel, very concerned about the Iraq war and Scud
missile attacks, who believes that this is finally Armageddon.

However, he tells his congregation, that being a pragmatist he is going
to ask the Lord when he finally arrives:

"Is this your first or your second visit"?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: bhh...@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Barbara Helen Hardy)
Subject: funny gulf quotes from CNN folks

I SWEAR I heard these:

"You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter."

"We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous
people out there, or maybe some journalists...."

Taking censorship too far:

"According to the military, the weather has cleared...."

Source: CNN, various days, various correspondants.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: me...@hpinddf.cup.hp.com
Subject: The Master Iraqi Groundhog

[I thought this up myself, with a little prodding from a coworker]

As many people should now be aware, Saddam Hussein has a very well
fortified and protected bunker underground beneath his palace in
Baghdad. Rumor has it that Baghdad radio has reported that Saddam
recently stuck his head outside, saw his shadow, and decided there
will six more months of war.

David B. Mears
Hewlett-Packard
Cupertino CA
hplabs!hpda!mears
me...@hpinddf.cup.hp.com
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: m...@hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Michael Berry)
Subject: Training Iraqui Pilots is Easier...

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqui fighter pilots?

...you only have to teach them to take off.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: ev...@decvax.dec.com
Subject: Super Bowl Joke

[ source unknown ]

U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early
as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a
SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl.

He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: PSWU...@ecuvm1.UUCP (Karl L. Wuensch)
Subject: German joke, want ad from S. Hussein, reply from G. Bush

This was distributed over the German jokes network. I added a
translation of the German and deleted header lines that did not
contribute to the joke or to credits.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> From: bu...@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush)
>>> Newsgroups: sub.jokes
>>> Subject: Re: Suche Atomsprengkopf
>>> Summary: You can have it if you really want it :-)
>>> Date: 25 Jan 91 23:31:44 GMT
>>> Reply-To: bu...@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush)
>>> Organization: Government of the USA

>>> In article <33...@irak.gulf.mil> hus...@irak.gulf.mil (S. Hussein) writes:
>
>Suche funktionstuechtigen Atomsprengkopf (Traegersystem noch vorhanden).
>Zahle jeden Preis.

English translation by K. Wuensch ==> I seek fully functional atomic
warheads (delivery system already on hand). Will pay any price.

==> do notice the return address, "hus...@irak.gulf.mil"

-------------------- reply from bu...@usa.whitehouse.mil -----------------

No problem, you can have several of them including carrier rockets. The only
thing you have to do is to use just one chemical weapon against the US. >>>:-]

Bomb ya,
--
President Bush - bu...@usa.whitehouse.mil
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: s...@kithrup.com (Sean Eric Fagan)
Subject: hussein limerick

There once was a man from Baghdad
Who suddenly made us all mad;
He fired a SCUD,
Which fell into mud,
And declared it Islamic Jihad.

Found on a white-wall at work
Organization: Drew University
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: apac...@drew.edu

Picture a comic strip type joke:
1st picture: George Bush holds an egg...."Saddam, this is your brain."

2nd picture:Puts egg in pan...."This is your brain on drugs."

3rd picture: Adds bacon...."This is your brain with a side order of
bacon."

4th picture: Holds Uzi over pan..."This is your brain if you don't get
out of Kuwait."

5th picture: _______
/|||||||\
||{ }|||______
||{___}|||______|
\|||||||/

ANY QUESTIONS????
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: gut...@mashie.ece.jhu.edu (Mike Guttman)
Subject: New unit for measurement of oil spills

Thought of in a recent blab session:

The size of oil spills should be measured in units of Valdez. The
latest I heard was that we have about a "15 Valdez" or "15 Vz" slick
in the Persian Gulf.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: JR...@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: topical original 1-liner Baghdad

Q. Why is Saddam Hussein unable to make a withdrawal?

A. Because all the cashpoints in Baghdad have been bombed.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: mso...@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: A gracious synonym for bullshit

Scene: Daily military press briefing in Saudi Arabia by
Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, Jan. 30, 1991, 12:00 CST

When asked by a reporter about a dubious newspaper article,
Gen. Schwarzkopf replied that the story fell into the
category of "bovine scatology."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: st...@media-lab.media.mit.edu (Steve Strassmann)
Subject: Israeli retaliation

Israel has begun its retaliation against Iraq:
it's filed 10,000 lawsuits.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: to...@cnvxla.convex.com (good, Conan - good)
Organization: Convex Computer Corporation - Los Angeles, California
Subject: Saddamn Joke

...Have you noticed that Saddamn Hussein showed up at
EXACTLY the same time that Salmon Rushdie disappeared?

(pass it on to the Ayatolla)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: d...@cs.glasgow.ac.uk (David Morning)
Organization: Computing Sci, Glasgow Univ, Scotland
Subject: Re: Iraqi computers and networks

jde...@umiami.ir.miami.edu (Jonathan Deitch) writes:

>does anyone know if Bagdad University or another Iraqi university
>is still active on a network with an international reach?

Try sad...@bunker.rubble.bagdahd.iq

But don't blame me if the network is unreachable.

Dave
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: IEI...@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu (Rajul Tank)

Another Saddam Joke

Q. What is common between Saddam and Dukakis

A. They both couldn't believe they were loosing to Bush
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: HA...@vm.biu.ac.il (Hank Nussbacher)
Subject: Answering machine message

This is the current message I have on my machine:

"I am currently under missile attack and cannot come to the phone right
now. If you leave your name and message I will hopefully be able to get
back to you in the near future."

Hank Nussbacher
Israel

P.S. To try from USA dial: 972-52-920165
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: CCE...@utxvm.UUCP
Subject: Actual Product

Packaged in a camoflage patterned box and offered for sale
by a local merchant.

Desert Shield Condoms:
For those who want
a piece in the
Middle East.

Thanks,
-- Mike Coyne
Co...@utxvm.bitnet
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: he...@gauss.ece.ucsb.edu (John Hench)
Subject: RE: Wolf Blitzer

Brad,
I asked an Austrian friend what the Blitzer in Wolf Blitzer meant, and
he told me it meant "Flasher". He went on to explain some of the other names
of the CNN crew:
Bierbauer - Beer Farmer
Scherzer - Joker
Begleiter - Accompianist

I thought that this might interest the author of joke number 2190
who likes the inherent humor of the name "Wolf Blitzer", becuase it seems
that there are quite a few other cute ones as well....
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: c...@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu (Ofer Inbar)
Subject: Ground War Day

>From Saturday Night Live:

February second was Ground War Day. Saddam Hussein came up out of his
bunker, and saw his shadow. This probably means six more weeks of
Iraqis getting stomped on.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: octela!octelc!d...@decwrl.UUCP (Dan Agar)
Subject: Iraq's strategic installations

Yet another Iraq joke, told by a friend of my father's in Oakland ( I
haven't seen it posted anywhere, but I don't read the newsgroups too
regularly ) :

Reports from Baghdad indicate that allied bombing raids recently
destroyed one of the most important buildings in Iraq; the 7-Eleven
Training Center.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: ke...@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com (Kevin Klop)
Subject: Smart Weapons

I can't quite call anything that drops off a plane traveling several hundred
miles an hour and few thousand feet in the air to dive nose first into a
concrete wall just to explode "smart".

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Iraqi Bingo
From: br...@cs.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf)

How do you play Iraqi bingo?

B-52...F-16...B-52

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Saddam Hussein, Bush and Mitterand in a bar...
From: ja...@cwi.nl

George Bush, Francois Mitterand and Saddam Hussein are sitting in
a bar, drinking and bragging.

GB: If I stand on the Statue of Liberty I can see all of New York
below me.

FM: No big deal. If I stand on the Eiffel tower I can see all of
Paris below me as well.

SH: So what? If I stand on my chair I can also see all of Baghdad
below me...
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Iraqi Humor...
From: bat...@nsslsun.gcn.uoknor.edu (Monte Bateman)

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?

A: They need a map....

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: The Weather in Kuwait
From: ful...@owlnet.rice.edu (Rob F)

A quote from the Wall Street Journal, 1/25/91

"As the first days of the war passed, the computer underground's
particular brand of humor, always a bit warped, has taken a newly morbid
tone. An oil-worker in Khahran posted this weather forecast on Last
Outpost (BBS):

`Baghdad will be bright and sunny, with lows in the mid-40s and highs
in the upper 10,000s. Winds will be from the south, southeast, and
southwest at 1,500-1,800 knots. Sunscreen 300 is recommended. Chances
of precipitation of molten objects are 90-99%'"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Competitive Advertising
From: sc...@scam.berkeley.edu (Scott Silvey)

The Iraqi Air Force: We fly more international flights out of Baghdad than any
other carrier in the world.

Recently the US Air Force slogan has been changed to "Aim Low".

US Air over-night delivery service:
When you absolutely need to get it there over-night ... we GUARANTEE delivery
before 4:30 in the morning. The US Air Force, we run the most dangerous ship
in the shipping business.

The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an extended middle-east vacation cruise.

(These are originals)

__
Scott Silvey sc...@xcf.berkeley.edu
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: "NEVER underestimate your enemy ..."
From: sc...@scam.berkeley.edu (Scott Silvey)

Despite the negative media coverage, the Iraqi ground forces are actually
performing their task with alarming success. Clearly, they're first objective
in the campaign is to destroy the massive coalition stockpiles of conventional
weapons.

Original.

__
Scott Silvey sc...@xcf.berkeley.edu
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: War games
From: par...@cs.cornell.edu (Marc Parmet)

>From a radio show:

How do you break up an Iraqi bingo game?

Call out B-52!

-------------------

From: hieb...@think.com (David Hiebeler)

In recent times, there has been much discussion of the shortcomings
of US education. Americans' poor knowledge of geography is one of the
areas often criticized.

A. Whitney Brown, in his commentary about the war, had this to say on
Saturday Night Live (Feb. 9, 1991):

"But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our
bombs are better-educated than the average high-school graduate. I
mean, at least they can *find* Kuwait."

-------------

From: c...@dce.ie (Charles Bryant)

Gulf war latest:
Americans announce that the 'milk factory' was in fact a
centre for exterminating curds.
---------------

From: mso...@brahms.amd.com (Martin Soques)

Q: What's the name of the new dept store opening in Bahgdad?

A: Target.

---------------

From: uunet!aus18a25.sps.mot.com!rjdc70 (Scott Remington)

1.What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a hockey player?
A Hockey player showers after 3 periods.

2.What does Saddam Hussien have in common with his father?
They both did not pull out in time.

3.What do you call an Iraqi with one camel and one sheep?
Bisexual.

4.What do you get when you have 64 Iraqi women in one room?
A full set of teeth.

5.Why do they call the camel the ship of the desert?
Because they're full of Iraqi semen.

6.Why don't they teach sex ed. at the same time they teach drivers ed. in
Iraq?
Because it's too hard on the camels.

-------------

From: gt1...@prism.gatech.edu (Gatliff, William A.)

Why is it so cheap to teach an Iraqi to fly?
Because you don't have to teach them to land.

1) "Saddam claimed that after the massive air bombing by the UN force, he had
talked God in his bunker 6o feet underground. I don't believe it: when you
are 60 feet underground, it is not God!"

From: "Jeffrey Wanner" <JLW...@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

What do you call an Iraqis with a sheep under each arm?
A PIMP
Did you hear that Iraqis have a new use for sheep?
WOOL
How is Saddam Hussein like pantyhose?
THEY BOTH IRRITATE BUSH

Q. What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines?
A. Northwest has more kills.

Why should the Americans have an arms race with the Soviets
when they can have a foot race with the Iraqis.

Q. What's the nam of the new dept. store opening in Bahgdad?
A. TARGET!

From: <JRD...@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

Q. How do you clear out a bingo hall in Iraq?
A. Yell, B-52

Q. What's the newest pop music sensation in Iraq?
A. No Kids on the Block

PERSIAN GULP DRINKING GAME

THE ORDER OF CHANNEL HOPPING IS: NBC, ABC, CBS and CNN at each
commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the
channel is changed.

IF YOU HEAR SOMEONE ON TV SAY "SCUD": Take a swig of beer and change
the channel, except during SCUD attacks.

IF SOMEONE ON TV SAYS "PATRIOT": Everyone in the room must salute.
The last person to salute takes a shot.

IF A SCUD ATTACK IS REPORTED: Everyone must hold their breath. The
first person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else
takes a shot. The player remains in the sealed room until the "all
clear" is sounded.

IF SOMEONE ON TV SAYS "SOMEWHERE IN EASTERN SAUDI ARABIA": Everyone
must shout "DHAHRAN". The last person to do so takes a shot and must
forego the next "SCUD". The same applies for shouting "RIYADH" upon
hearing the phrase "a large airbase in central Saudi Arabia". Anyone
naming the wrong city must also take a shot unless they shout "TAIF"
before they are called on the error.

WHENEVER WOLF BLITZER APPEARS ON THE SCREEN: Everyone must shout
"Woof Woof" and drink a wine spritzer.

A SHOT OF KAHLUA AND COFFE IS KEPT ON THE TABLE AT ALL TIMES. Whenever
one of the phrases "Ground War", "Ground Assault" or "Ground Attack"
is used, the first person to grab the shot gets it.

EVERY TIME DAN RATHER SAYS SOMETHING STUPID: Everyone shout "change
the channel". The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to
watch CBS on another TV until the next SCUD.

OPTIONAL RULES:

Assign each player a digit for 1 to 9 at random. When the number of
allied sorties flown in the last 24 hours is announced and it has your
digit in it, you have to do a shot. (Example: Your digit is 3. If the
announced number of sorties in the last 24 hours is 1300, 3300, or
830, you drink!
Why should we have an arms race with the Soviets,
When we can have a footrace with the Iraqis?

---------------

SADDAM HUSSEIN
Imprinted golf balls $24.95 doz.

*enjoy driving that face 300 yards.

*excellent gift

*take out your frustration.

Call 1-800-233-3856
Have you heard of the new brand of beer?

It's called _Scud Lite_. You have to drink about 18 of them
before it hits you...

-----------

This following article has been copied from India Today without their permission

Gulf War Humors :

How many Iraqis does it take to fire a Scud missile?

Four. Three to fire it. One to call the CNN.

What did one Scud say to the other?

If you've washed up properly for prayer, why don't you go to Riyadh. I 'll go
to Tel Aviv.

How do the Israelis wish each other in the morning?

Scud morning.

What song are the Israelis singing these days?

Onward Christian soldiers.

-----------------

An editorial cartoon seen in the local paper this week:

A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an
airliner. One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him on
the shoulder and says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!"

The soldier replies, "I know... but I'm from New York City."

wo...@udcf.gla.ac.uk

Saddam Hussein has bought himself a glass-bottomed boat.....

.....so he can inspect his fleet.

This letter was in Iraq on White House stationary.

7 Jan 1991

My Dearest President Hussein,

I hope this letter reaches you in the best of health. I think
of you so often so I decided to write you this letter, to let you know
that I am doing well and so is Babs. I understand that we don't see
eye to eye on this Kuwait thing but I am sure that after I explain my
feelings on the matter you will undoubtedly see my point.

I guess I should just get to the meat of the matter and say read
my lips, get the fuck out of Kuwait you rag head son of a camel humping
bitch, before I turn loose my Air Force and make a multi-national
parking lot out of your piece of camel shit country, and then send in
the fucking Marines to paint the fucking lines on it. I won't even need
my Navy because by that time your sorry ass will be sitting next to Allah.
You won't be concerned about to much of anything any more. Now do you
think you understand my meaning? Well Babs is calling me to dinner, I'll
close now. Give my best to the other little rag heads. Keep in
touch.

All my love,

George B.

P. S. I hear the old camel is pregnant again. I guess you've still got
it. Congratulations.

cs331124

unread,

Apr 16, 1991, 10:41:52 AM4/16/91

In article <1991Apr11.0...@garfield.cs.mun.ca> da...@garfield.cs.mun.ca (Dale Fraser) writes:
>
>Sorry it took so long to get this out, but better late than never!
>Do NOT flame me for these jokes since none of them were mine.

Better late then never, eh? We'll see...

> One day this fag walked into this manly-man bar...the kind of
>bar where barroom brawls don't result in a call to the police...anyway,
>the fag walks up to the bar and challenges anyone there to a game of
>fartabeer. All present sort of grumble (unaware of the guy's sexual
>preference) and the biggest, meanest guy stands up and says, "You're on."

First of all, I resent your implication that a gay man would not be
welcome at a "manly-man" bar. Homosexuality has absolutely nothing to
do with masculinity; in fact, it is only insecure straight men who
believe this.

Second of all, I find it sad that you measure a bars "manly-man-liness"
by the brawling that occurs there. Is this the only way to be
masculine? Please.

Third of all, I *resent* your use of the word fag to describe a
gay man. A note of etiquette from Ms. Manners: gay is a much more
acceptable word, homosexual if you must, but never never never fag.
It is a term of homo-hatred, dear.

> The fag then describes the rules of the game -- you chug a beer
>in under 4 seconds for six points, then drop your drawers and fart for the
>extra point. The one with the most points after ten minutes, wins.
> Having given the rules, the contestants flip a coin to see who
>goes first...the fag does. He then grabs a beer, and chugs it. Drops
>his pants and unloads a monster fart...the tough buy mumbles something
>under his breath and then grabs his beer. He promptly chugs it down
>and drops his drawers to complete the first round, but then the
>fag interjects, "Block the kick, block the kick!"...

Oh, I get it. The gay man anally raped the "tough man" (obviously, we
can distinguish between the two as "fag" and "tough man"--this is
sort of comparable to saying "criminal" and "caucausian" and I find
it equally offensive.). How funny.

Apparently, you posted this joke because it was a funny Iraqi joke.
I have my own opinion about anti-Iraqi ethnic jokes, but I will not
bring that up now, but I will point out that this joke is nothing
but cruel, stereotypical and homophobic. Gay man are not (by virtue
of being gay) effeminant or sex-driven. We do not going into "manly
man" bars to fuck straight men, although there *are* many gay men
and lesbians at these "manly man" bars -- by the way, I resent your
use of the word "man" to describe how tough a place is -- sexism to
boot, darling!

This humor is totally inappropriate. It demeans the 25 million gay
and lesbian Americans (1 out of 10 people is gay or lesbian), and
the thousands and thousands of gay servicemen and servicewomen. It
does so without a point, any real humor. It is a disservice to your
university and to the internet.

Please follow-up to soc.motss, a more appropriate forum for this
subject of conversation, or respond to me at cs33...@umbc5.umbc.edu

In a highly pissed off state,
--
____
\ / JOEL BURTON cs33...@umbc5.umbc.edu {my friend Carol's acct, not mine}
\/ "We're Here, We're Queer, We're Fabulous--Get used to it!" - Queer Nation

vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu

unread,

Apr 19, 1991, 12:27:03 AM4/19/91

(Heard this on Letterman a few weeks ago, quoted by 'General Norman "Bud"
Schwarzkopf')

Q: What is the fastest animal on earth?

A: An Iraqi soldier with an Abrams on his ass!

(it was funny when he said it :)

-Garrett

U16...@uicvm.uic.edu

unread,

Apr 18, 1991, 4:33:20 PM4/18/91

AMERICAN JOKES

What do you call a guy with a patriot missile up his ass ?

A Patriot-ic American.

What do you call a guy with a scud missile up his ass ?

A dead American.

Was that funny or what !!!!!

Jerry Nelson

unread,

Apr 19, 1991, 4:15:16 PM4/19/91

Or what.

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