ENSLAVING PRIVATE RYAN THE MINORITY OF MIKE SPEAKS AGAIN...

[Dr Fuji Kamikase]

ENSLAVING PRIVATE RYAN THE MINORITY OF MIKE SPEAKS AGAIN...
http://etherzone.com/
By: Michael J. Bates

Get offa the damn phone an’ drive, you idiot, an’ get the hell
outta the fast lane while yer at it! Middle-aged white guy
with a big ol’ attitiude comin’ through! Damnation, I wish
these droopers would get offa the road when I’m usin’ it.
Yuppie fools got about as much use for four wheel drive as I
have for a hair net. I was just down at “Dirty Neck” Hickey’s
Guns & Bait & Feed & Grain Emporium talkin’ with some of the
boys an’ I’m more than hot right now. We was talkin’ ‘bout how
we’re tired of bein’ “protected” by a bunch of laws written by
a bunch of empty suits that’re too dumb to figure out how to
run an elevator. All they REALLY do is force us to get
permission from the government before we can go to the
“environment safe” toilet.

On top of all that, my ol’ woman, Margaret, called an’ said
our hog, Madeleine, had done busted through the side of the
barn an’ ate up a whole passle of baby chicks. I Swanee! This
here’s some of them laws an’ ideas that don’t look much like
freedom to me...

CAMPAIGN 2000 - Great big ol’ peckin’ party full of chickens
who don’t have enough sense to get out of the road, much less
cross it. ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Haven’t you scumbags done enough
to America without us havin’ to listen to you deny it every
four years? Just lie to us about what you “stand for” an’ shut
up. No fair changin’ it next day either, you twerps! Your
“debates” are the cause of people fallin’ asleep with
cigarettes in their hands an’ startin’ house fires. Your sound
bytes are the fingernails on the chalkboard of my life. Your
“visions for America” are not only delusional, they’re
downright spooky. You’re all so dumb you’d have to study for a
blood test! Little John, you’re not a war hero, you’re a war
survivor, an’ it doesn’t mean squat so shut up about it.
George, what the hell is it you want to do? Quit mumblin’ an’
speak up. Al, I don’t see how you have time to do anything
since you’re so busy inventin’ everthing an’ takin’ money from
Communist Chinamen. Bill, dribblin’ ain’t exactly a leadership
quality I look for. Pat, folks with a Bible in one hand an’ a
flag in the other make me nervous. Jesse, I ain’t got time to
pay attention to ya. If this is the best America can do, it’s
time to call in the dogs an’ put out the fire ‘cause the hunt
is OVER. We’re all doomed.

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS - National free ride for any
yahoo with a crayon an’ a sheet of blank paper is what it
looks like to me! Why on earth should I have to pay some
beret-head to finger paint!? Every time a stoned out “art”
student, shrouded all in black an’ wearin’ day-glo hair wads
up a lump of silly putty I’m supposed to fork over some of my
hard-earned cash in order to keep ‘im supplied with Magic
Markers an’ blunt nose scissors. That about the size of it?
Road Apples! I don’t claim to know a thing about art, but I do
know this; the good stuff gets kept an’ the junk gets junked,
just like in real life. Nobody should have to pay for somebody
else’s choice to try an’ be an “artist.” If you’re doin’ good
work, there’re a million “art critics” who can’t draw a
straight line that’ll tell everybody about it. If yer paintin’
frescoes on the ceilin’ of the Sistine 7-11, then I don’t give
a damn an’ I don’t want to pay for it! This ain’t right!

SMART GUNS - No, they ain’t. This here is one of Billy Jeff’s
brainstorms. He wants gun makers to make guns with little
bitty computer chips in ‘em that will only let the guns fire
if the person with the right fingerprints is holdin’ ‘em.

How about we try ‘em out first with all the government
gunslingers you’ve got runnin’ around out there shootin’
innocent citizens? If they work as well as the computer chip
that keeps goin’ belly-up in Biggun Stump’s TV down at the
Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back), we’ll
have a lot less folks with holes in ‘em after the ATF gets
through protectin’ ‘em to death!

Take a look at what this idea means to me on an everyday
practical basis:

I have four guns I keep around the house for self defense an’
varmint shootin’ here on the ranch. If I’m the only one who
can use those guns, that leaves the rest of my family
defenseless. That ain’t gonna happen! I’ve got three young
‘uns and one wife. This means I’ve got to buy eighteen more
guns, four fer each, plus two extra hide-out pieces for the
women. This’ll take the number of self defense guns, in my
house alone, from four to TWENTY-TWO!

Saaay...wait a minute here...when I think about it...DANG,
Billy Jeff, this here’s a GREAT idea. I ain’t even counted the
huntin’ ‘an target shootin’ guns around here. Hell boy, time I
get through obeyin’ your new law, I’ll have upwards of SIXTY-
TWO guns around my house! Damn son, that there’s a FINE idea.
Since this is goin’ to be a government program, an’ since the
wife an’ kids are minorities, I know you’ll be sendin’ the
money for all these new guns to ‘em real soon. I know how
you’d hate to see ‘em get left behind on that level playin’
field you an’ Hillary are always goin’ on about. My Margaret’s
got her heart set on a new slim-line Glock .45. Little Lori
can’t wait to get her hands on her own, fingerprint-personal,
Armalite .308 cal. insult rifle. Hurry on up now, Billy Jeff,
an’ get that check in the mail will ya? Many thanks.

INTERNET POLICE - This here is a totalitarian government idea
the Butcher of Waco wants to try out right here in America.
What she wants to do is have some “Internet police” monitor
the Internet for folks she says might -- just maybe, someday,
on a whim -- think about commitin’ a crime, then decide to
broadcast it, secret-like, to everybody in the galaxy. She’s
only goin’ to look for criminals, she says. Breakin’ every law
on every book in every state in the union don’t count if SHE’s
the one doin’ it, I reckon.

Madam Gas-Em only wants to get after folks like...oh, I don’t
know...saay, women, kids, folks who believe in God, anyone who
disagrees with current administration policies, people that
believe The Constitution of The United States of America is
pretty much all the federal law we need in this country, and
any other subversive types like that.

Miss Janet’s proven herself to be real good at findin’
dangerous subversive types. Remember how she found a whole
gunny sack full of ‘em bein’ dangerous an’ subversive at Bible
study down there in Waco? Po-liced them folks right into grave
she did. Those they could find enough left of to identify and
bury.

Lady Gunship wasn’t around for Ruby Ridge, but the “policeman”
who shot a “subversive” 14 year old boy an’ his momma helped
form her philosophy on protectin’ Americans. Why, he even shot
their subversive K-9 American! As a reward for his courage in
participatin’ in the murder of these two folks and their dog,
Reno sent him to Waco so he could practice shootin’ subversive
church congregations.

I don’t know, Janet, this idea sounds a little shaky to me.
How about you send ME all the equipment an’ policemen an’
we’ll try it out on YOU and YOUR people first? We can set it
all up right here in my bunker, er uh, basement. We’ll snoop
and read your mail for a while an’ if we find anything we
think is criminal or subversive we’ll apply your own “Waco
Solution” to the problem. That way, nobody worth anything gets
hurt. Let me know what you think, but don’t Email it, ya never
know who’s lookin’ at it.

SENSITIVITY TRAINING IN THE ARMED FORCES - Billy Jeff, you
should have spent some time in a uniform, instead of runnin’
around chasin’ everything in a skirt. Goin’ to college an’
majorin’ in treasonous, totalitarian tyranny 1-A has left you
a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic when it comes to
knowin’ anything about how the military works.

I served three years in the Army -- one year in the “police
action” over in Southeast Asia. From the first day I got there
til the day I got on that silver bird an’ headed back here to
the big PX, everybody who outranked me told me my sole purpose
in life was to KILL the enemy. In three years of service,
nobody EVER told me I was supposed to BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT!!!

You hear what I’m sayin’, boy? Armies are for KILLING people
an’ that’s ALL they’re for. They are not supposed to be mass,
OD green encounter groups. If that gives you the vapors or
somethin’, don’t start any more damn wars! I know the people
that have to go an’ fight ‘em will thank ya.

YOU put all those women in combat units so they could act just
like men. NOW you want all the men to act just like women. Why
do you insist on ham stringin’ both of ‘em? If you’re so hot
to put women in combat, why not put ‘em in their own separate
units? You could call ‘em “The Lady Killers” or somethin’. Put
that scarred up ol’ battle hog you’re married to in charge of
‘em. Hell, she whipped YOUR butt with a table lamp from what I
hear.

You want gays to fight, Billy Jeff? Lights on in yer head, ya
dipstick! Gays in the military go all the way back to
Alexander the Great and Hannibal, both of whom stacked asses
an’ took names big time. Gay men an’ women have served in the
military since the first cave man threw a stick at a monkey.
Anybody with any sense knows that, an’ anybody that denies it
ain’t been payin’ attention.

The Draft-Dodger-in Chief is the one who kicked up all this
fuss over a non issue. I never had anybody turn to ME in the
middle of a fire fight an’ ask if I thought his helmet would
look better in a pastel. Neither has anybody else in the
history of warfare. Whether you’re gay or un-gay, just do your
duty an’ don’t pay any attention to that idiot who’s SUPPOSED
to be your Commander-in-Chief. The only assault weapon HE
knows anything about is that little bitty derringer in his
pants an’ women all over America are prayin’ Hillary’s put a
child-proof lock on that sorry thing.

Well I’m finally pullin’ in to the barnyard, an’ sure enough,
feathers an’ dead baby chicks are scattered all over the
place. Guess I’ll have to put that smelly ol’ hog, Madeleine,
down. I don’t really mind though. Shoot, I never did feel
comfortable turnin’ my back on ‘er.

Y’all take care now, hear.

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Michael J. Bates is a freelance political writer and a regular
contributor to Ether Zone.

Michael can be reached at thunde...@hotmail.com

Published in the March 2, 2000 issue of Ether Zone. Copyright
© 2000 Ether Zone (http://etherzone.com). Reposting permitted
with this message intact.

God Bless America
Dr Fuji Kamikase

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." --
Aesop
"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also
believes to be true." --Demosthenes