Jan 5, 2020, 8:41:25 PM1/5/20
This is hilarious! Now that it's 2020.
On Saturday, May 30, 1998 at 12:00:00 AM UTC-7, Bill Nalty wrote:
> Universal Press Syndicate
> May 27, 1998
> THINGS TO COME
> Joseph Sobran
> WASHINGTON -- In the year 2020, this country will be hard to recognize. But
> by extrapolating from current trends, we can make a few safe predictions:
> -- We will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green and a pierced
> tongue. His vice president will be a transsexual. Conservatives will call
> for a return to the standards of Bill Clinton.
> -- The election will be decided when the Republican candidate, already
> trailing badly, admits having smoked a cigarette in college. And inhaling.
> -- A baseball hit by Mark McGwire in St. Louis in June 1998 will land.
> -- The U.S. Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie Cochran, will rule
> unanimously that hate speech -- such as pedophobia (disapproval of
> pedophilia) -- is not protected by the First Amendment. The president will
> appoint a National Commission on Pedophobia to investigate the "scourge of
> pedophobia" and to tabulate pedophobic incidents.
> -- The sports world will buzz with unfounded rumors that Michael Jordan
> plans to retire at the end of the season.
> -- The Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change the name of Ronald
> Reagan National Airport to Janet Reno National Airport.
> -- The owner of a major-league baseball team will issue a tearful apology
> for suggesting that some cultures are different from others. Mollified
> minority spokesmen will retract threats to kill him.
> -- Federal Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a hike in prime
> interest rates, saying, "I've always wanted to announce a hike in prime
> interest rates, whatever that means." He will reverse himself too late to
> prevent an international stock market collapse, adding, "Some people can't
> take a joke."
> -- Only one live actor will be nominated for an Academy Award. All the
> other movies made that year will have starred computer-generated dinosaurs,
> except for those featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
> -- As the president and Congress celebrate a balanced budget, the national
> debt reaches $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president will
> soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all, "We owe it to ourselves,
> plus a few foreign bankers."
> -- Bob Dole will make several appearances on a late-night talk show hosted
> by Leonardo DiCaprio. Each will remark on how well the other is aging.
> -- On another network, Jay Leno will mark an important milestone with his
> 10,000th Viagra joke. This occasion will be marred by the explosion of
> Leno's simmering feud with Johnny Carson, who will scoff: "That's nothing.
> I did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes."
> -- Attorney General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that the Justice
> Department is finally dropping its antitrust action against Microsoft.
> -- Congress will promise to reform the Internal Revenue Service after IRS
> agents are found collecting ears of taxpayers as trophies.
> -- A 111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported as a war criminal.
> -- In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court, upholding a federal law
> banning slingshots, will declare the Second Amendment unconstitutional.
> -- A national controversy will erupt when a porn film star, during a live
> White House performance, utters an ethnic slur.
> -- Most of the population will be glued to the television set as Jerry
> Springer's historic final show is broadcast. Special guests will include a
> former president and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt.
> COPYRIGHT 1998 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE