alt.genius.bill-palmer FAQ
K M Tanner
It's time to post this FAQ again to the most useless newsgroup on
Internet: alt.genius.bill-palmer. This is the one and the *only* OFFICIAL FAQ
for this sorry excuse for a newsgroup. It's also the first one.
Beware of all kinds of imitations.
Introduction:
This FAQ was posted first time on August or September, 1996 (if I
remember correctly). Don't ask any newbie questions about Bill Palmer
before you read this FAQ. It's recommended that you don't ask ANY
questions at all. The best way to handle this attention-seeking
lunatic is to killfile him.
This is the modified extra version, and the question #10 is a result
of my long research about Bill Palmer's sad background. Finally we get
answers to some unanswered questions.
This repost shows how grateful Bill Palmer was, when I gave this
FAQ to him, and to his newsgroup.
Bill Palmer <wil...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
: Crankety, crankety, crankety, crankety, crank.
: Crankety, crankety, crankety, crankety, CRANK!
and krta...@arbornet.org (Head Librarian) replied:
It sounds like somebody is smashing your head with a baseball bat. When
did this happen?
We let the readers decide what the last, capitalized "CRANK" caused.
---- --- -- - alt.genius.bill-palmer FAQ - -- --- ----
By Kristian M. Tanner < Head Librarian >
***************************************************************************
The following questions and answers are in this FAQ:
1. Who is Bill Palmer?
2. What does Bill Palmer do?
3. Can Bill Palmer flame?
4. Who posts to alt.genius.bill-palmer?
5. Why this FAQ?
6. But there's almost nothing here!
7. What is the alt.genius.bill-palmer theme song?
8. I heard a rumor that Bill Palmer is a parasite on society.
Can somebody confirm this rumor?
9. But I'm a taxpayer and I pay 40% tax rate from my salary!
10. Is Bill Palmer REALLY on drugs?
11. Can you show me one Bill Palmer-post?
12. But this is COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
1)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who's Bill Palmer?
A: In a word: He's a nobody.
2)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does Bill Palmer do?
A: Nothing constructive. He's unemployed, he wears thick glasses, he's got
pimples, he's single (and will remain single), and he has nothing
better to do than post useless shit to Usenet newsgroups. He thinks
he's a Net.God, like 378563424 other pimple faced skinny wimps
before him.
3)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can Bill Palmer flame?
A: If alt.flame was a shoot-em-up video game, Bill Palmer would be
the novice level with 15 ships.
4)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who posts to alt.genius.bill-palmer?
A: Bill Palmer alone.
5)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why this FAQ?
A: So you don't have to read any of his posts ever again. Everything about
Bill Palmer is in this FAQ. Everything.
6)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: But there's almost nothing here!
A: Exactly my point.
7)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the alt.genius.bill-palmer theme album?
A: Alanis Morrissette's "Jagged little Bill".
8)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I heard a rumor that Bill Palmer is a parasite on society.
Can somebody confirm this rumor?
A: Yes, indeed. Rumor has it that Bill Palmer has never received a
regular job in his life. In other words: He's a disgusting, lazy bum
with serious alcohol and drug problem. He also receives a few
hundered dollars from his social security officer every week, so he
doesn't have to work or do anything useful with his
miserable, useless life.
He doesn't shower much and he's got a potty in his room.
These little arrangements make it possible for Bill to stay in his
room 24 hours a day and post all day long to alt.genius.bill-palmer.
9)---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: But I am a taxpayer and I pay 40% tax rate from my salary!
A: Ahh, you _see_ the connection, Mr. Watson!
Yes, Bill Palmer eats from your table.
10)--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is Bill Palmer really on drugs?
A: Indeed he is. His whole Usenet career is some sort of "bad trip",
and it has been going on the last three years.
One day, when he was hanging around with his unemployed buddies
in the local tattoo shop, something happened. He was just listening
to his favourite song, Pink Floyd's "Get your filthy hands off my
desert" (which always reminded Bill from his frigide ex-wife),
and playing his favourite arcade game, Nintendo's Donkey Kong.
He was trying to achieve his own high score, 2.500 points.
He once made it to the second level, but that happened years ago.
He was almost there, but then the evil gorilla threw another barrel
at his direction. Bill was too slow.
He blew it once again. After three fucking years of playing, he
just couldn't make it to the second level.
He started kicking the damn machine, and crying shamelessly.
His stoned friends were pointing and laughing at him. They laughed and
laughed and laughed. And poor Bill cried like a hysterical little
child.
And like that wasn't embarrassing enough, tears melted his
make-up powder, and made his face look like a complete mess.
This was too much for the world famous Flame Giant.
Suddenly he fell on the floor, and there was a lot of foam coming from
the corners of his mouth, and he started yelling some mindless words
to the air:
"DEJA LIBEL!", "VISIT MY DEJANEWS ARCHIVE, LOUSE MONKEY!", "CRANK
TURNS FORGER!", "ROACH ROG LIBELS MEALY RAT AND USES X-NO-ARCHIVE!"
This mindless babbling was too much, even to his junkie buddies,
who quickly gagged him with his own soiled diaper, and called an
ambulance. The ambulance driver gave him a hypodermic injection,
and put a comfortable straight jacket to Mr. Palmer.
The rest is Internet history.
11)--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you show me one Bill Palmer-post?
A: Sure. Here's one:
Ahh, Louse-Monkey Hausmann, you Dumpster Rodent! You libeled me with
your friend Beetledick. Then you and your alter ego Pus Bag Davis
and his friend Mealy Rat libeled, grunted and posted to my group
alt.genius.bill-palmer. You're gonna regret that YOU EVER flamed
and libeled the FLAME GIANT, Dumpster Rodent. You will
soon realize that FLAME GIANT makes Louse-Monkey regret his
disgraceful libel.
Copyright FLAME GIANT
On Wordscreens of the World.
12)--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: But this is COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
A: Holy refrigerator! Good point, Batman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
End FAQ.