Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Filthy Irish
Cody Stevens
[BACK] [*] [22 April 1998]
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DUBLIN, IRELAND--After centuries of
suffering, the people of the world will
finally have some much-needed relief from
the offending filth of the ubiquitous
Irish. The remedy: a new, freshly scented
deodorant soap designed specifically with
malodorous Irish riff-raff in mind.
The soap, an exciting, logo-embossed
consumer product featuring rich lather, an
outdoorsy spring-fresh scent and a revolutionary two-deodorant composition,
will come in an enticing marbled, green-white color motif deliberately
designed to attract persons of Irish descent by appealing subconsciously to
deeply rooted Gaelic cultural signifiers.
Said Rodger Watkins, co-chair of the soap development team: "In
addition to being doubly powerful in fighting odor-causing Irishness, the
soap possesses a specially patented, whimsical image intended to evoke
memories of a long-lost mythical Irish arcadia where the Irish gripped
blades of grass in their clenched teeth and bathed in the icy waterfalls of
dew-dappled woodland ponds, and everything smelled wonderful--so unlike the
Ireland of today."
"At last," Watkins said, "decent folk will be able to go outside
without having to hold scarves to their noses every time a swarthy, drunken,
potato-gorged bricklayer ambles past. Now the Irish will have a
tolerable--perhaps even pleasant--scent issuing forth from their pasty,
sweaty persons."
Under a new mandate just passed by the U.N. General Assembly, tubs of
water and bars of soap will be delivered to all Irish households with clear
instructions on appropriate bathing habits. The instructions will be in
pictogram form to ensure comprehension on the part of the ignorant,
illiterate Irish.
"Although many forms of soap have been developed over the centuries,
none were ever powerful enough to cleanse the citizens of the Emerald Isle,"
Watkins said. "But once they wash themselves fully with this new soap, their
abominable stench will be virtually gone."
The turtleneck-clad Watkins said the breakthrough soap leaves all who
use it, even the Irish, "fresh and clean as a whistle."
The soap's revolutionary secret, he said, is its "two deodorants."
Watkins demonstrated by displaying a bar of the soap and
cutting off a sliver with a knife. A look at a cross-section of
the bar's interior revealed clearly defined streaks of green and
white, the colors serving as a visual representation of the two
odor-fighters.
Since the inside of the bar looked exactly like its exterior, it was
unclear what this demonstration was intended to accomplish. Witnesses
agreed, however, that the use of the knife conveyed a spirit of manly,
outdoorsy virility.
"After that display, I almost want to buy the product myself--and I'm
neither filthy nor Irish," said observer Sharon Lowenstein.
The Irish-cleansing plan has met with some resistance, particularly
from members of the Irish community. "Begorrah," Belfast native Seamus
Singleton said. "Oi would sooner snuggy up ter a bumblebee dan dunk me hoide
in dat dere bathwash. Noo, surr. Th' best perfoom fer old Seamus be da Earth
wot God done made His own self."
In accordance with the new U.N. statute, Singleton was forcibly dunked
in a vat of hot water by police and scrubbed until pink. Singleton was then
issued new, clean clothing, and his grimy, sweat-stained outfit consisting
of a shirt, breeches and tiny green bowler with a shamrock tucked into the
band was confiscated. He was permitted to keep his clay pipe.
"The rebellious and confrontational nature of the Irish will be a
problem," said Chicago police spokesman Jonathan Franck, whose city is home
to more than a million Irish. "But that's what billy clubs are for."
Chicago mayor Richard Daley is tremendously excited about the new soap
as well. "We've got a lot of Irish here, that's for sure," he said. "And
hooo-wheee, on a hot day, they can smell 'em in Decatur."
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[BACK] [*] [22 April 1998]
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--
cody stevens
the official sex object of alt.cosuard
"if sonic youth were a bunch of 20 year olds from denton instead of 40 year olds from manhattan there would have been eight people in the audience who booed them off the stage and beat them to death with their out of tune instruments" - i forget where; find out later.
"colorless green ideas sleep because of your kids" - megaHAL