LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #50.3

[Drew Nilium]

#50.3

Well, we have room to describe the journey this time, sooooo... *cracks knuckles*

The sextet of heroes felt like they were blasting upwards, the world around
them melting out like a glitchy GIF into unidentifiable streaks of color and
light. Moments streamed thru their bodies like water thru a fishing net, the
detritus of time bouncing off their existences. Their minds opened like
exquisite origami snowflakes, and they saw themselves, naked and mortified,
before the unutterable light of knowing, and blinked in the face of their own
truth, and all became darkness...

And when, after timeless eons, they opened their eyes again, they found
themselves in the wings of an old-fashioned theater room which clearly owed a
lot to the Black Lodge school of interior design. A folding metal chair sat at
a strange angle on the stage, in front of a rumpled crimson curtain.

"Not this again," groaned Catalyst Lass, remembering back to the Second
Valentine's Ball. [See Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 3 #3 - excuse me? Wasn't
this earlier in the same storyline? Does this need to be footnoted!? - Footnote
Girl]

The heroes stepped out onto the stage. "ENDING!" shouted the Black Halo. "WE
WOULD HAVE WORDS WITH THEE!"

"Oi, pipe down, I can hear you." From somewhere in the darkness beyond the
opposite side of the stage stepped Ending of The Finishless. Though her black
nails and blacker lips were on-point as ever, her eyes were bloodshot, her
already-frizzy hair was frazzled to Net.Hell and back, and overall she looked
like she hadn't slept in the last two and a half years.

Occultism Kid blinked. "You look... fine."

"Yeah, the real world's been dealing with the pandemic *really* badly, so I've
been working overtime. Apologies if service is below par or whatever."

Catalyst Lass took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and pressed her chest
forward. "We're here to take Tara back!"

Ending squinted. "Tara Strong died? Why didn't anybody tell me?"

"Tara *Gill*!" shouted Merissa. "Token Girl! You know, the one who kicked ass
in a drinking contest with a weird cosmic guy just now??"

"*Oh*. Oh yeah yeah her." Ending raised a finger, thinking... then brought it
down like the blade of a guillotine. "Nope. No way no how, she's dead for real
this time."

"Oh come *onnnnnnn*!"

"Surely there is some way to secure her release," said Kid Occultism Kid.
"Isn't a game traditional? I do have my Vampire: The Masquerade character sheet
with me..."

Ending sighed and a mug of coffee appeared in her hand; she took a *big* swig,
gulped it down, and said, "Look, I can't just let *anybody* out of here, and
she died fair and square. When a net.hero dies a Heroic death, it's supposed to
stick, or we turn into Big Two comics. God, I could tell you a few things about
DC, swear to..." She took another sip of coffee, murmuring darkly.

WikiBoy, back to being human-shaped, said, "Could we at least say goodbye to
her?"

"Mmmmm..." Ending tapped her index finger on the mug. "I *guess* that's allowed
by the rules." She reached out and grasped a golden cord that hadn't been there
a moment ago, pulling on it. The curtains opened to reveal...

Tara, looking worn and haggard but very much alive. Beside her was... some...
guy? There were too many characters in this story to keep track of.

"Cat?" said Tara. "You're... real? You're here?"

"Sure am." Catalyst Lass grinned. "Look, we're going to save you, OK. Just hold
on."

"OK," said Tara. "I have to tell you--just in case this doesn't work out. I
have to say." She looked down on her shoes. "I love you, Cat, and I mean it
like *that.* There. I said it."

Uneasily, she raised her head to meet Cat's gaze. Cat's face was overcome with
a smile. For a moment she seemed to forget about Ending and everything else
around her.

"Tara, I... I was going to tell you that. I should have done it a long time
ago. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Yeah, same here. God, look at us. Just like Batman."

"Matt Smith." They both started laughing uncontrollably. "Private joke. Sorry."

"Bravo, bravo!" Entertainment started clapping.

"Hmm, maybe this isn't the right time to be going over this," whispered
Occultism Kid.

"Shoosh," said Merissa. She took in the other figures on the stage. "Hey,
it's... that guy! You know, from one of those really old LNH stories! I'll have
it in a sec."

"What manner of being his this?" whispered Black Halo. "He is like unto a
god... or something greater than a god!"

"He's Brian Blessed!" said Merissa.

WikiBoy tapped the WikiScouter he wore--a device with a connection to the LNH
Wiki that someone had edited for him at some point. "Hmm. That's Entertainment.
Of the Finishless."

"Looks like we're having one hell of a family reunion here," said Kid Occultism
Kid. And indeed, Enthusiasm, Ennui and Editing were all sitting silently in the
seats, with Dyslexia having taken her place beside them.

"Ha!" said Entertainment. "I knew this intrepid band of net.heroes would come
to rescue her! For am I not Entertainment? Am I not as one with the flow of
Drama?"

"I *guess*," said Ending, narrowing her eyes at her brother. "But look. Get
them out of here. They have no place here. We're not supposed to be bang-bang
action-y superhero characters. We're supposed to be reflective, based on
interiority and characterization..."

"Yes," said Entertainment, "but we're at the end of a big superhero crossover!
We need a big fight. Thaaaaat's... Entertainment!"

He snapped his fingers and the X-Over Men appeared beside him, all in the form
of LNHers who'd died or moved on--Irony Man, Constellation, Lurking Girl,
Sig.Lad and the rest. They all materialized straw hats and canes and began to
dance and sing:

A ghost with a snarky riposte
Or the girl with her head in a whirl
Or the horse that flies into the Source
That's entertainment!
The fights with the lady in tights
Or the bride with the girl by her side
Or the ball where pride brings a fall
That's entertainment!
The plot is A Lot, convoluted as heck
A gay interplay using magical tech
It could be a reference to Shrek
Where cosmic naysayers find people have layers
The queen who could not have foreseen
The skirt whose loyalties revert
To the cad who's covered in plaid
The world is a stage; the stage is a world of entertainment!
Let's call it a brawl like you see on the page
A blast from a lass with a Marvelous rage
The final form coming onstage
A confabulation of determination
The W Force's offspring
That began with the Tiger King
Hip hooray! The Ame.rec.an way
The world is a stage; the stage is a world of entertainment!

The heroes gave the X-Over Men a round of applause, and they tap-danced off the
stage, shaking their straw hats.

"What was that about a queen?" murmured Occultism Kid to WikiBoy, who shrugged.

Ending crossed her arms and tapped her perfectly black-nail-polished fingers.
"Okay. Well, two can play at that game."

She snapped her fingers and in a cloud of moon-dust appeared Plotchopper. He
turned toward the heroes and raised his mighty Plotaxe in the air, ready to
bring it down and end this plot thread before it could truly begin!

====

Meanwhile, in the world of the living, the battle against Reagent Omicron
blazed on!

Reagent Omnicron floated above the battlefield, sketchy limbs entangled with
Chaos Theory's fractal tentacles. Marvel Zombie Girl blasted him with flames
drawing on her frustration with Marvel lightening Storm's skin again, but
exterminating light leaked out from his form, erasing them along with...

...fuck, who was in this scene...

...along with the mentholyptic blasts of Halls Jordan's Ring-around-the-Collar,
as Cannon Fodder opened up with twin BIGGUNs and the Ultimate Ninja (having
exited Ninjaguar for reasons of scale) leapt around, looking for an opening.

Just then, a blaze of hellfire burst into being! Out stepped none other than
Marvel Zombie Lad! "You!" snarled Reagent Omicron, tossing Chaos Theory aside.
"I thought your part in this storyline was over--finished!"

"No way, pal!" said Marvel Zombie Lad. "As long as there's still evil to be
fought... as long as there are still dramatic speeches to be made--Marvel
Zombie Lad is there! I've been through the fires of Hell and back--and you
won't BELIEVE the things I can do now!" (Look, Furman started out as a Marvel
writer, OK.)

"Eeeee!" said Marvel Zombie Girl, rubbing her hands together.

The others held back, recognizing when a grand superhero melee battle had
become a personal duel.

Like a vast, predatory bird of prey, Reagent Omicron swooped in on Marvel
Zombie Lad and tried to banish him with the Ring of Simplification's power. But
Marvel Zombie Lad met the swelling tide of power with his Fire that Sears Men's
Soles, charged up by his journey to the depths of Hell.

For the first time in his existence (in this particular form), Reagent Omicron
knew pain.

"You insolent speck! Return to the fires of Hell from which you came!"

"Never!" said Marvel Zombie Lad, clenching his teeth. He'd been pushed back but
was still standing his ground. "I'm too ugly to quit... too dead to die!"

Reagent Omicron had never seen such determination in another living being. For
a moment, he feared the power that animated him would leave him and enter into
Marvel Zombie Lad.

But in the end, Marvel Zombie Lad was just a mortal, even if he was an undead
one.

He fell down like a discarded action figure and the earth swallowed him up.

"No...." whispered Marvel Zombie Girl. Then, so low no one else could hear it:
"I thought it'd be different this time..."

"It can't be!" said Cliche Dude. "Marvel Zombie Lad is.... DEAD!"

"I thought he was already dead," said Halls Jordan.

"You've made a big mistake, Reagent Omicron," said Cliche Dude. "You've made me
mad!" A blaze of light began to appear around him, the inevitable burst of
motivation from a friend's heroic sacrifice. "And now, I'll unleash my true
power--my super attack that no one has heard of until now!" He stretched his
arms out in front of him. "CLICHE... HA... ME... HA!"

Emotionally Appropriate Musical Reference Lass, standing off in the distance,
put on "Dare" by Stan Bush.

The beam, a blazing light of pure Drama, knocked Reagent Omicron off balance.
Ultimate Ninja had finally found her opening. She slashed at Reagent Omicron
with her katana, a move that would have neatly bisected any mortal opponent.
But it was like trying to cut the ocean. A burst of ichor shot from Reagent
Omicron's body--it had gotten to the shonen battle stage where everyone was
visibly bloodied--and knocked her back.

And Masterplan Lad sat in his wheelchair and watched. Marvel Zombie Lad's
sacrifice, he knew, would not be in vain--deaths in grand superhero battles
like this never were. He felt a burst of Drama that made his skin tingle.
Without his Plot Device, he had to work directly with the LNH's natural
narrative flow of Comedy and Drama. It was wonderful and terrifying. He
understood why a good portion of the income of the Looniverse's therapists came
from trenchcoaters (the ones who could afford or wanted it, at least). But he
just had to hold together for one more moment...

Reagent Omicron laughed, voice rich with arrogance and megalomania. "You don't
stand a chance against me!"

"Oh really?" said Masterplan Lad, grabbing onto the narrative as best he could
without a Plot Device, shifting the currents of Drama and Comedy. "I've noticed
something interesting about this situation. We're still within a Cosmically
Important Point. Which means that any number of time travelers seeking to alter
this event's outcome are due to show up here, right about..."

Suddenly, a flock of time travelers descended from the sky - future LNHers,
future net.villains, several different Time Crappers, power-armored types who
looked like palette-swapped versions of Flashback... [The villain from Flame
Wars III, although due to an artist error one of them is a palate-swapped
version of the unrelated LNH20 character Flashback - Footnote Girl, gulping
sports drinks and trying to pace herself!]

"No! No! No! Not time travelers!" said Simplicity, kicking away Chaos Theory
and fiercely retconning the temporal adventurers out with his Ring. But as soon
as he retconned out one time traveler, two more came back (to the future!). The
sky above the Net.ropolis Bandshell was blue, then grey, then green, then plaid.

"We're pushing him back!" said Masterplan Lad, channeling narrative momentum
into Chaos Theory.

"Yeah," said Chaos Theory, "and we might win this, as long as *someone* doesn't
mess with it again." They glared gazelessly at Enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm giggled! "It'd be *way* too predictable for me to interfere now!!"

"Fools!" shouted Simplicity, aura of simplifying light growing in radiance.
"This isn't even my final form!!" He disappeared in a halo of nothingness...

====

"No!" said Merissa, aiming her BIGGUN at Plotchopper. "We had enough of that
with WikiLull! We are coming back with Tara and whatever happens, no matter the
cost, WE ARE GOING TO FINISH THIS STORY!!" She put her finger on the trigger
and started charging it up.

Occultism Kid did a series of mental calculations about what might happen if
Merrisa's pure unleashed force of Senseless Violence came into contact with
Plotchopper's narrative-rending power in the middle of this chaotic un-world
and desperately wished he'd slept in that morning. Even the Finishless
themselves looked a little worried.

Time seemed to slow down to a crawl as they held their breath, waiting for the
battle to begin.

Then the theater shook

there was a sound that broke through the cosmos like thunder

it was

VAMMO

Enter VAMMO Woman, stage right.

Drew "here she comes!!" Nilium