LNH/NTB/LNHY: Beige Midnight #8: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! I: "They Mite Be Rulers"

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Arthur Spitzer

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May 26, 2011, 11:13:31 PM5/26/11
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LNH/NTB/LNHY: Beige Midnight #8: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! I:
"They Mite Be Rulers"


[Warning: Since there are NTB'rs in this issue it is recommended that
small children, small animals, god fearing folks, pregnant women, and
popes should not read or even think about this issue. Only those who
have gazed into the abyss should go any farther...]

[Cover: Mynabird stands on top of a symbolic representation of a very
beige Loonivearth stabbing a flag that reads, 'Bryttle is the Future'
into it. Cracks run down the globe. Surrounding the globe is every
single member of the Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers flying towards the
reader as if to beat the holy crap out of him (or her). The globe has
an evil grin and a goatee. Underneath it in bold letters is the
caption, 'They Mite Be Rulers!']

[Variant Cover 1: A room filled with Trenchcoaters. Each one giving
the reader an obscene gesture. Painted over the Beige Midnight logo is
"The NTB is here!" in something that looks like blood.]

[Variant Cover 2: Two girls on beach blankets. On the bottom:
'Warning: There are no girls on beach blankets in this issue, we just
thought that this cover would sell better than one with Kid Kicked Out
holding the New LNH Member Detector.']


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The place -- The Streets of Net.ropolis

The time --


B E I G E

M I D N I G H T


The number -- E I G H T


The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer

**** <<--BM-->> ****

April 2008 --
The Streets of Net.ropolis --

A lady in a cloak walks down a street. Once upon a time, the cloak she
wore shrouded her in mystery. But now it is open and everything is
revealed to the world as she walks.

And behind her cars burn. People scream. Glass is smashed. Blood is
spilled. People laugh. And people scream.

There is no one there to save all the screaming people. The people
jumping off the roofs of buildings. The people being beaten and raped.
To stop the city from burning down.

There are no more heroes in the world.

And once this cloaked woman would have warned the world of all of this,
but it is too late now. All she can do now is look as she walks down
the street at this doomed species call humanity.

Everything is now revealed.

As she walks down the street with her cloak fully opened (revealing a
rather skimpy looking black leather lingerie outfit with fishnet
stockings), All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman can feel a chill.

And she tries to ignore the screaming. This screaming world that's
about to be put out of its misery. But she can't help it. She just
can't help it.

She just has to laugh.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!
PART I


'They Mite Be Rulers'


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The White House --
Washington.gov, DC --

Mynabird looked at the small can of mushrooms in his metal hand. Why in
the world was there an entire drawer filled with canned mushrooms? Oh
well. It doesn't matter, he thought as he dropped the can back into the
drawer and slammed it shut.

And then he looked at the cereal box that was on his desk. The cereal
box that had a picture of Easily-Discovered Man Lite grinning on it.
His concentration was interrupted by a huge stack papers that fell on
his desk.

"You'll need to sign all of these," said a female voice. It was a lady
in a beige pants suit.

"Sign? I don't have to sign anything. In fact, Hillary, I'd really
prefer that..."

"That's Hellary!! Hellary Clinton!! Beige Queen of the New and
Improved HellaryFire Club!!!!" She had a bit of a cackle after that.

"Right. Whatever. All of this doesn't terribly concern me. This is
all that matters to me now!" He pointed to the cereal box.

"Easily-Discovered Bran Flakes? Didn't they ban this stuff?"

"Maybe. I don't know. It's not the box though. It's him.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite!!!"

"Okay. What about him? He's just some stupid sidekick. Why are you so
obsessed with him?"

"Because he destroyed my Universe!!!!!" Mynabird grabbed the cereal box
and shoved it into Hillary Clinton's face. "He destroyed this!!"

"Your Universe is a Cereal Box? Umm, okay."

"He destroyed my whole civilization. My friends. My dearest love."
Mynabird hit a button on his neck causing his metal head to slide away
revealing a tiny little command station. And a glowing little speck
sitting in a very tiny chair. "This is who I am!! Easily-Discovered
Bran Mite!!!!!"

"Weird. I -- I actually remember reading about this in the Net.York
Times -- something about this. Why did I forget?"

Mynabird pushed the button that returned his metal head. "I paid off
Amnesia to wipe the memory of the entire planet (including himself)
about my identity so it would be a bit more dramatic when I finally did
reveal my true face to the world. But now I wonder if it even matters
anymore." Mynabird walked over to the bomb proof windows of the Oval
Office and observed everything that was happening on the White House
lawn. "He's out there in space. I might never see him again. And all
of this was for nothing." He watched various crazed humans infected
with Dr. Virus Love's virus try to shoot at him and failing that
shooting at each other.

"I sometimes wonder if by fighting a monster like Lite, I have become a
monster myself."

"You think?"

"Yeah. You're probably right. There's no way I could ever be as evil
as him. I mean at least I recycle. Well, this has been a nice chat.
Reminds me of some of the chats I used to have with Vector Sublime.
Wonder where she went off to? Oh well. Sorry about this."

"Sorry? Sorry about what?"

"About killing you," Mynabird said as he blasted Hillary Clinton with
his metal hand. "I've revealed a bit too much. Sorry."

"Was -- a clone -- anyways..." she said before she passed away.

The phone on his desk rang.

"Hello? What? They're back? Yes, good. Good to hear. We need to
call everyone. Everyone!! It's Summit Time!!!!"

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Net.ropolis --
The Beige Clock Tower --

They were hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. And they were all waiting.

Vector Sublime looked down upon the thousands of cultists waiting for
the Bryttle Brothers to wake up as she made her way to the Clock Tower.
A tower whose top was beyond the scope of mere mortals and had reached
the Moon's orbit as it made its journey through space.

It was strangely calm here. The rest of the world was going insane.
But here? They were just calmly waiting. There were entire families
here. Moms, Dads, kids, grandparents -- and the rest.

She looked at the Bryttles asleep on their thrones. The head of Dekay
-- a cloud of flies, locusts, and other winged insects had now spread
all over Net.ropolis. There was no escaping it.

She could start to hear a chanting. They were chanting something.
Sublime. Sublime. They were all looking at her now. Their chants were
getting louder.

It didn't matter. They weren't going to stop her. She paused a bit as
she reached the door of the Clock Tower. And then she spread her arms
and tilted her head back. A burst of light came from her eyes.

And twelve more Vector Sublimes came into existence.

She looked at the children she had created. "It is time," she said.
"It is your time -- for my time is over."

"Who are we?" said the twelve new versions of herself.

"That's up to you. You can be anything. You could be me. You could be
the opposite of me. You could be villains. You could be doctors.
Teachers. Housewives. Artists. Slaves." A slight smile made its way
onto her lips. "Perhaps even heroes. You could even go back in time,
call yourself the Crime Empress, just to confuse the hell out of Andrew
Perron -- if you want. It's up to you. It's all up to you now. I'm
leaving."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know." And with that Vector Sublime turned her head and made
her way towards the Tower. Her hand crackled with energy. And the door
of the Tower opened. And she flew in. And the door closed.

The twelve new versions of the Melissa Virus stared at the tower a bit
and then at themselves.

And then finally eleven of them flew up into the sky. Each going a
different direction. Each following their own destiny.

The last one floated down with the cultists and sat with them.

She would wait.

Wait for Dekay and Diskolor.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Par.OS, France.net --

Mr. Homage stood next to a window sipping a red wine. He looked out the
window. There would be blood. Yes, there would definitely be blood.
Lots of blood. Blood in enormous quantities.

He watched a number of the virus crazed masses erecting what looked like
a guillotine. He wondered where they managed to find that.

This was the world that idiot Mynabird had created. You couldn't
control this world. A world without Shepherds filled with sheep. He
could work with a world like that. But that wasn't this world. This
was a world with just wolves. Nothing but wolves. And without sheep
the wolves would tear each other to pieces. That's how this would all
end. That idiot.

He never thought he'd ever think such a notion, but he missed the LNH.
They could stop this. They could return things to the way they were.
Bring the sheep back. But they were gone. Gone to space. Maybe never
to come back. And the only LNH that was left was a warped virus
infected version.

"It's crazy out there!!" said Mr. Kid Homage rushing in and then quickly
locking the door behind him. "They won't listen to me!! Don't they
know I'm their king?!"

"Perhaps you could tell them to eat cake. That might calm them down."

"What -- what the hell is that supposed to mean, gramps?" said Mr. Kid
Homage holding the door shut as an angry mob began to pound the door.

Mr. Homage shook his head. "Ah, you youngsters. No sense of history."
The phone rang and he picked it up. "Yes? Speaking. They're back?
A Summit? Yes, I'll be there. Him?" An axe head made its way through
the door Mr. Kid Homage was trying to prevent from being opened. "No.
I suspect he won't be joining me. Be seeing you."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

V.alt.duz Castle, Liech.tin.stei.net --

Thread Bear, with a crown on his head, gave a sigh as he sat on his throne.

Crickets chirped.

The phone rang. Thread Bear sighed again as he got up to answer it.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNHHQ --
The Strip-Joint Room --

Easily-Discovered Man Lite, as he watched various lovely LNH ladies who
seemed to be all wearing black leather lingerie dancing and sliding on
poles, thought about what the Professor would do in this situation.
Undoubtedly, he would rush into battle the fiend that had enslaved these
poor heroines minds -- and based on all of the previous times that would
all end very badly. It would probably end with some cliffhanger
deathtrap that involved syrup and waffles. And the next issue would
probably take more than a year to come out. Maybe two years. Well,
these days possibly five.

Nope. It would probably be best to let people more competent than
himself (which was probably everyone else in the room) handle this.
Besides the fact that he had accidentally left his spatula on Qwerty.
(Reminder: Need new spatula.)

Still. He was a hero (kind of -- well, if you have a very liberal
definition of hero). He could be doing something.

What was it that Deductive Logic Man used to say? About evidence?
Something about making sure that a crime scene was well documented?
Everything must be documented. Photos? Taking photos of the crime
scene? Something like that. Yes, photos. Yes, that's what he could
do. Take photos. Take photos of this crime scene. Take a whole lot of
photos. And then study them. Study them hard. Very hard. For crimes
of course.

Easily-Discovered Man Lite took out his iThingee and started capturing a
number of pictures with it. Ah, yes. Ordinary Lady (who was doing some
rather extraordinary things with her pole). Snap. Ooh,
Sister-State-the-Obvious (need to remember not to mention this to Rob).
Snap. Ah, Sing-Along Lass (I'm definitely going to hell for this). Snap.

And as Lite continued taking pictures (for evidence purposes of course),
he saw something that hit him like the Ultimate Cold Shower. It was the
most unsexy sight he had ever seen -- almost anti-sexy. It was like
some old man was wearing a pair of shiny golden easily-discovered
speedos. And then he scanned his iThingee up to see the face of this
old person and...

"Oh no. Prof! Tell me that isn't you. That this is just some horrible
elsewhirl entitled, 'What if Easily-Discovered Man became a Chippendale
Dancer?' Tell me that that's what is happening here. That none of this
is real. Please."

Professor Wong simply looked down at his sidekick and said, "The
Slouching Beast is now the Captain of my soul."

"I -- I uh don't even want to interpret what in the world that's
supposed to mean and how it involves your new costume being a golden
speedo."

"And shiny golden cowboy boots. Do not forget the shiny golden cowboy
boots!"

"Believe me -- I'm trying. I'm really trying."

"Do you remember all the times I told you that there was hope? That
heroes, such as we, could vanquish all of the world's ills if only we
had the courage to believe in our abilities?"

"Yeah, I seem to recall something along those lines."

"I was mistaken. There is no hope. There are only two paths left. The
Beige Path that threatens to swallow all of creation. And the
Cheesecake Path. You must choose the Cheesecake Chains, Lite! Become
of a member of Cheesecake Eater Lad's army of creamy tasty sweetness!!
It is your only salvation from the rising tides of the Beigeness that
will drown us all!! Feast on the Cheesecake!! Devourer it!! Become
one of us!!" Behind him Sing Along Lass and Ordinary Lady held up
plates with cheesecake slices and began chanting, "Eat of the
cheesecake! Eat of the cheesecake!"

"Umm, no. Thanks, but no. I don't think I'll be doing that anytime
soon. Shiny gold cowboy boots just aren't my thing. Instead I'll be
praying that the next supervillain I fight is Amnesia so I can wipe this
entire episode from my psyche," Lite said backing away from the plate
holding ladies.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Okay. You can start kneeling before me anytime. Anytime at all," said
Cheesecake Eater Lad standing on a balcony in the LNH Strip Joint Room
looking down at an incredibly unkneeling Ultimate Ninja.

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "That's not going to happen."

"Ah, you didn't eat any of my special 'Welcome Home LNH' cheesecake, did
you? You always have to make things so hard, UN, don't you?"

"What's going on here?"

"All of the LNH women that didn't go off in space to battle Bart are now
wearing sexy black leather lingerie -- and some like myself are pole
dancing. The men on the other hand who didn't go after Bart now are all
sporting goatees. Cheesecake Eater Lad is now our Lord and Master. And
we are all having a conversation in the LNH Strip Joint Room. And you
asked a question, which I am answering."

Cheesecake Eater Lad chuckled to himself. "Thank you, Sister State the
Obvious, but I think what our former boss in chief really wanted..."

"Wait!" said Nit-Pick Lad interrupting the heroes. "Before we get any
further I would just like to make this known to everyone. All the male
LNH'rs are sporting Van Dykes! Not Goatees! A Van Dyke has a mustache.
A Goatee doesn't. You all have Van Dykes! Sorry about that, but this
sort of thing just irritates the hell out of me. Okay, I'm done.
Please, go on."

"As I was saying, what UN was probably asking was what caused all of
this. Our best guess is a virus. Probably something that the LNV built
and then put into the Satellite we used to disable all of the Freedom
Chips. The virus causes people to only care about themselves and
satisfy their own dark desires."

"Wait," said Nit-Pick Lad. "Okay, I guess I can get how a virus might
cause a Van Dyke to grow on your face. But that doesn't explain why all
of the females are wearing -- um -- what they're wearing. Did the virus
do that?"

Cheesecake Eater Lad shook his head. "Nope. I believe after the virus
took full control over their facilities they all raided
Hoards-Leather-Lingerie Lass's room."

Nit-Pick Lad snapped his fingers. "Oh right. Hoards-Leather-Lingerie
Lass. I always forget she's a member of the LNH."

"So, Fearless Leader. I leave you in charge here and when I come back
-- the entire LNH has become evil -- and you're second in charge. Nice
job," said the Ultimate Ninja gazing straight at Fearless Leader.

"Hey, that's my line!" said Sarcastic Lad.

"Why you lousy two bit..." said a clearly outraged Fearless Leader
aiming his gun straight at the Ultimate Ninja.

"Easy, FL," said Cheesecake Eater Lad waving him off. "Don't want to
commit suicide just this yet. He's just goading you. And when we
fight, it won't be you that fights him. But really, UN, you should be
thanking me."

"Thanking you? Why?"

"If it weren't for me the entire LNH would be at each other's throats.
It would be complete chaos here. But thanks to me they're now
completely under my control."

"And how about Kid Kirby. I would think it would take more than mind
control cheesecake to dominate his will."

"You'd be right. But not that much more," said Cheesecake Eater Lad
gesturing over to a table. A table where Kid Kirby was eating a piece
of cheesecake. "It's a special cheesecake that not ever the Kirbian can
resist." The Ultimate Ninja watched as Kid Kirby gorged away on a
cheesecake that had pictures of various Jack Kirby creations on it.
"And every time he finishes it -- it returns again. And so on and so
on. I wouldn't try taking it away from him if I were you. That might
make him angry."

"He's probably a Kirbybot."

"If you want to believe that -- Oh, I should probably mention this just
incase you want to kill me. If my heart stops beating it will trigger
all of the LNHHQ's explosives causing Net.ropolis to be a really large
crater. Just so you know. You see, I've been planning this awhile."

"Oh, it's not that I knew this might happen. It's not that. It's just
-- that I had a feeling. Ever since the Beige Clock Tower came into
existence. That was the beginning of this. That's when I started
having the dark thoughts. Thoughts that superheroes aren't supposed to
have. I needed a release. So I started writing a novel. A novel
called Cheesecake Midnight. It was where I poured all of the dark
thoughts I had within me. In my story, a lot of the things that have
been happening to us also happened. But I wrote them into my novel
before most of them had ever happened. All of the stuff about Hex and
Bart, it was in my novel before it had actually happened. I suppose I
should have mentioned this to someone. But I was ashamed. Ashamed of
all the horrible things I did to the characters in my novel. I couldn't
show anyone this -- this horribly sick thing. I had to keep it a secret."

"But in the same sense I realized that my novel was coming true, so I
had to prepare for certain parts of it. So I made a huge quantity of
mind-control cheesecakes for when the virus infected the LNH. And now
the army is coming..."

"What? What army? What are you talking about?"

"Mynabird's Army. The Legion of Net.Villains, or Freedom Lovers -- or
whatever he's calling it now days. But it's going to be the biggest
supervillain army that has ever existed. And it's coming tomorrow to
utterly destroy the LNH. In my novel, it turns out that Mynabird is
actually Tsar Chasm who wants to destroy EDM-Lite because Lite has been
having a torrid love affair with Mouse."

"Oh for the love of..." said Mouse putting her hands into strangle
Cheesecake Eater Lad mode.

"Anyway, about this point into my novel is where I try to convince you
and your non-virus infected team to join up with my team to battle
Mynabird. Alas, I can't convince you -- so your team and my team do
battle. My team wins. I get all of the cosmic goodies. Speaking of
which, where are they?" Cheesecake Eater Lad looked at Wikiboy.

Wikiboy's eyes blazed with a white energy. "Occultism Kid has the
Insanity Gauntlet and Ring of Retconn."

"Ah," said Cheesecake Eater Lad turning on comm.thingee. "Attention
LNH! Bring Occultism Kid to me! And please have magically resistant
LNH'rs fight him! There," he said clicking his comm.thingee off. "Now,
where was I? Ah, yes. I use the full force of the cosmic goodies to
destroy Mynabird's army. Then I destroy the Bryttle Brothers. And then
I take over the world. The last chapter has a scene with me, King of
the Entire Looniverse, writing a sequel to my biggest best seller ever,
Cheesecake Midnight. And since everything I've written has come true, I
guess all of that will come true too..."

"Well, except you know the part where I have a *ahem* torrid love affair
with *ahem* Easily-Discovered Man Lite -- which never ever Ever Ever
Ever Ever -- EVER happened!!!!!! Never!" said Mouse correcting
Cheesecake Eater Lad.

"Writing a story where I die is not the same thing as actually killing
me," said the Ultimate Ninja staring straight into Cheesecake Eater
Lad's eyes.

"Oh, I know that. But since Wikiboy has right now the power of every
single member of the LNH and better ninja skills than even you have --
I'm going start preparing for your funeral. Oh, and only I am allowed
to edit him. Just so you know. Wikiboy? Kill him! Kill the Ultimate
Ninja!!"

Wikiboy jumped from the balcony with both arms whirling at insane speeds
cruising his body straight into the Ultimate Ninja.

"Every single member, huh?" said the Ultimate Ninja dodging the various
blows. "Like Bad Judgment Boy?" Wikiboy decided to use his most
ineffective attack on the ninja. "Bad Timing Boy?" Wikiboy's blow
completely missed the Ultimate Ninja and instead sent his fist right
into Kid Kirby's cheesecake (which pissed off the Kirbian to no end).
"Coward Lad?" Suddenly, Wikiboy felt a great amount of fear as Kid
Kirby was about to pound the living daylights out of him. "Figment
Lad?" But fortunately for Wikiboy, he poofed into nonexistence before
that could happen.

Cheesecake Eater Lad slapped his head. "Oh. Of course what I meant to
say was that Wikiboy had all of the powers of the 'useful' members of
the LNH." Wikiboy popped back into existence and began to fight the
Ultimate Ninja again.

And everyone else in the room joined the fight.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


Occultism Kid's hand reached for the doorknob of his room, but something
felt wrong and he pulled his hand back.

"Door Warden?" said Occultism Kid speaking to the spirit that guarded
his door. "Are there intruders in my room?"

"Intruders?" said a voice from the door. "Naw, it's all totally fine,
boss. Just the typical creepy crawlies and stuff. Have a nice trip, boss?"

Occultism Kid glanced at the burlap sack he was carrying containing the
Insanity Gauntlet and Ring of Retconn. "Yeah, it could have been
worse." Still, there was something wrong here. Was the warden lying to
him? Better cast a few protection spells on himself -- just in case.

After chanting some words and some hand gestures, he opened his door.
Darkness filled the room. "Light," he said to turn on the lights, but
nothing happened. He walked over to one of his lamps. As he did, the
door slammed shut making everything dark.

And then the lights came on. There was Master Blaster and some other
LNH'r he didn't recognize.

"Drop the bag, Magic Man," said Master Blaster aiming his BigGun (TM) at
Occultism Kid's head.

A simple time freeze trick would be enough to stop Rob. But who was
with him? Who was this strange superhero wearing fisherman duds? Well,
it didn't matter. He needed to take care of Rob first. He zapped a
spell towards Master Blaster. The spell, however, took a detour.

The spell made its way towards the hook of the fishing pole the strange
fisherman was carrying. "Ah, got a bite," said the fisherman type hero.
He pulled the spell off of the hook and popped it into his mouth.
"Tasty! Another fine catch for -- The Spell Fisher!!!!!"

Okay, this wasn't good.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Dr. Stomper looked up. Well, he was in the medlab at least. And
Ripping Dancer was still in her suspended animation.thingee. And then
he looked at Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner who was holding a gun at him. Need
to fix that.

"Excellent!" said Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner with a twisted grin on his
face. "Finally, some human bodies to experiment on. I was getting
bored with the Kirbybots." Dr. Stomper noticed the mutilated remains of
various Kirbybots on some of the tables. "Now, Dr. Stomper. Please, go
over there and shackle yourself."

Dr. Stomper closed his eyes and then said, "Protocol 288." After a few
minutes he said, "End Program," opened his eyes up again, and noticed
that Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner was having a seizure on the floor.

There was something definitely wrong here.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

LNH Strip Joint Room --

As the punches started to fly, Fearless Leader tumbled from the balcony
with both guns blazing.

Irony Man tackled Fearless Leader. "Whoahh, there Felix. Might want to
put the guns away. Won't do much good against me."

Fearless Leader laughed. "Maybe not these. But I do have a special one
for you." He pulled a gun from one of his many holsters and shot it.
An electronic gizmo flew from the barrel and attached itself to Irony
Man's armor.

"What did you -- *Arrgghghh!!!*"

"That device freezes up your suit. And then it takes complete control
of your system. And it sends all of the Irony Power right into your
suit. Starting to get hot? Yeah. That's all your Irony Energy cooking
you. Hmm. Your own Irony Power killing you. There's a word for that.
Heh. Maybe I'll think of it before you die. Bye, Toonie." And
Fearless Leader picked up his guns and started to blast everything again.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Parking Karma Kid using his LNH flight ring flew up to the balcony.
"Okay, old buddy of mine. Time to knock a whole lot of sense into you!
And I have to admit -- I've been wanting to do this for a long time!!"
he said as threw a very hard punch at Cheesecake Eater Lad's face. But
PKK's fist rather than hitting flesh and blood instead hit creamy sweet
goodness. And handcuffs that snapped onto his wrists

"Ah, PKK, old pal of mine. Always falling for the Cheesecake Eater Lad
Look-a-Like Handcuff Surprise Cheesecake. Well, I suppose that's the
way the Graham Cracker Crust Crumbles." Cheesecake Eater Lad gave a
flying kick sending Parking Karma Kid off the balcony.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Occultism Kid's room --

"I'm setting my gun to cremate -- better drop the bag, Houdini," said
Master Blaster cranking up his BigGun (TM) to eleven.

Occultism Kid dropped the burlap sack and raised his hands in the air.
The fishing pole that the Spell Fisher was carrying had to be his source
of power. Maybe if he could separate the two of them then...

But before Occultism Kid could take any sort of action towards that plan
a rip in space occurred. A colorful crackling portal ripped through the
dreary beigeness and a figure came out of it.

A figure wearing a fuzzy pink trenchcoat. Master Blaster turned his
attention towards the colorful portal just as Kid Anarky blasted him
with some type of power.

Occultism Kid took the opportunity to head butt the Spell Fisher
separating him from his fishing pole. He looked at Kid Anarky and the
totally unconscious Master Blaster. "How did you do that?"

"What? Oh that." Kid Anarky looked at his hands. "Not sure. Don't
think I can do it again though. We better get out of here though. Got
the cosmic items?"

Occultism Kid picked up the burlap sack and nodded.

"Oh, btw -- the goatee I'm wearing right now -- it's a fake." Kid
Anarky showed the spirit gum that was holding his goatee in place.

Occultism Kid looked at Kid Anarky with a bewildered expression. "What?
Why? Why in the world are you wearing a fake goatee."

"Didn't you notice? All of LNH'r who are acting crazy have goatees?"

"No. I haven't really run into anyone besides these two. What's going on?"

"As near as I can figure some virus infected the LNH causing everyone to
become evil. And giving all of the males goatees."

Occultism Kid backed slightly away from Kid Anarky. "And you're not
infected? Why is that?" he said with a tone of suspicion.

"I don't know. I do have a theory, but -- look, we need to find Dr.
Stomper. He might be the only that can find a cure for this. Look, you
can trust me. I did save you."

"You did do that. Very well, you go first."

And the two of them made there way for Dr. Stomper's lab.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Strip Joint Room --

Cheesecake Eater Lad glanced down at the fight in progress. It was
close, but he could feel that his side was winning. The
Wikiboy/Ultimate Ninja was a bit of a stalemate, but the other fights
with Fearless Leader leading the charge were going his way. In another
half an hour, they would be begging for mercy and...

His thoughts were interrupted once again by the loud noise of a burst
door. Something had flashed through it. No, not something. Someone.
Captain Continuity. He was back.

"Okay people," said Captain Continuity not picking a side -- instead
wrapping every single fighting LNH'r in their own Continuity Cocoon. He
had just spent the last hour or so in space trying to detonate an LNH
Starship warp core without damaging the ship itself. And to come back
to this? "Have you all lost your minds? What the heck is going on here?"

Catalyst Lass and Hell Catalyst jumped off the stripper platform and
made there way towards Captain Continuity. Each carrying a plate of
cheesecake.

"It's okay, CC. We're just having a party here."

"A party?" He paused a bit as he looked at them. "Umm -- why exactly
are you wearing those -- um, Outfits? What is...?"

"It's a welcome back party, silly!" said Hell Catalyst. "You look
hungry. You should have a piece. A piece of delicious cheesecake."

"Yes, Cappy. Have some cheesecake." Catalyst Lass scooped out some
with her finger and then put it in her mouth licking it clean. And then
she scooped another piece with the same finger and held it close to
Captain Continuity's mouth. "It's divine."

"Yes, have it, Cappy. Have it all. And then afterwards," Hell Catalyst
said with a seductive smiles on her face. "You could have the two of us
for dessert."

Captain Continuity felt an overpowering hunger erupt inside him. He
wanted that cheesecake. He wanted it all. But he knew also that he was
being manipulated. That both Catalyst Lasses were overwhelming him with
their powers. He needed to resist. But the taste. He wanted that
taste in his mouth. And as Catalyst Lass's cheesecake covered finger
got closer and closer to this mouth, he just couldn't...

"Captain! No!!!!!" said Fuzzy sending a flying kick into Catalyst Lass,
which caused Catalyst Lass to knock over Hell Catalyst as the two of
them fell. "It's mind control cheesecake!!!

"Mind control?" said Captain Continuity waking up to the world around
him. "Of course. So fill me in. Who are the bad guys?"

"Anyone with a goatee or wearing leather lingerie. But keep in mind,
they are infected with a virus that's making them evil."

"Gotcha," said Captain Continuity as he began wrapping LNH'rs in
Continuity Cocoons again.

Cheesecake Eater Lad frowned. He had hoped that the Catalyst Lasses
could tame Captain Continuity, but that was a bust. He had to try
another tactic. He took a special cheesecake he had been working on and
threw down onto the floor and closed his eyes.

As the cheesecake hit the floor, a great amount of light flashed from
inside it causing everyone that looked at it to be stunned. The effect
of the cheesecake seemed to halt the fighting except for the Ultimate
Ninja and Wikiboy who were still wrestling with each other.

"Everyone stop fighting! UN, Wikiboy! Stop fighting!" shouted
Cheesecake Eater Lad. Wikiboy, who had no choice but to do every single
thing that Cheesecake Eater Lad uttered instantly stopped. The Ultimate
Ninja took the opportunity to pull Wikiboy's heart out of his chest.

"I'd like to call a temporary truce," said Cheesecake Eater Lad looking
straight into the Ultimate Ninja's eyes.

The Ultimate Ninja snorted. "Because you're losing."

"Maybe. But the way I see it, neither of us can really afford this
fight. You arrived here about two hours ago, or so? That means in less
than 22 hours or so your entire team will succumb to the virus and be
just like us. Now wouldn't it make more sense for you people to be
finding a cure for the virus rather than fighting a fight that you might
not even win?"

"And why would you want us to find a cure?"

"Oh, I don't. But I'm betting you don't find it in time. And once you
all succumb -- I think you'll be much more willing to eat my cheesecake.
Here's the deal. You leave us in peace and we'll leave you in peace
to find a cure. Deal?"

"I hate to say it, but it makes sense, UN," said Captain Continuity.
"Finding a cure for this virus is our highest priority right now."

"Fine. A truce. But if you try anything -- and I mean anything..."
The Ultimate Ninja took his finger and made a slitting motion along his
neck. "Understand?"

"Of course," said Cheesecake Eater Lad with a wicked grin on his face.
"Of course."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH MedLab --

Dr. Stomper looked through his microscope at the sample he had taken
from Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner. Based on the info Cheesecake Eater Lad had
given them, he had less than 22 hours to find a cure for this virus.
Dr. Stomper let out a yawn. God, he was tired. When was the last time
he had gotten any sleep? No, don't think about sleep. Got to find a
cure. He rummaged in a drawer and took out a bottle of pills. He
popped a few. That would give him 8 more hours or so. He looked
through his microscope once again.

"Hey, Doc!" Dr. Stomper turned around. It was Occultism Kid and Kid
Anarky. A Kid Anarky that had a goatee.

"He's one of them, Occultism Kid!"

"Relax Doc! It's a fake!" said Kid Anarky tearing away his fake goatee.
"I'm immune or something."

"Really? How?" said Dr. Stomper with a skeptical look. "Where have you
been?"

"It's kind of complicated. But okay -- once you guys went into space I
got this weird feeling -- this urge to wear a trenchcoat. But all I had
was this pink fuzzy one. Anyways, I discovered this portal -- near my
room -- in the hallway. I went through it and -- it led somewhere.
Look, to keep this short -- the NTB is back. And they're all gathered
in one of the LNHHQ's sub-sub basements."

"Christ," said Occultism Kid in way that sounded like this was the last
thing in the world he wanted to hear. "Why didn't you tell me this?"

"Well, I'm telling you now."

"Okay. But what does this have to with the virus?" asked Dr. Stomper.

"I'm getting there. For some reason I think that the NTB is immune to
this virus."

"Why? Is it a magic resistance or something like that?"

"No. Well, I don't think so. But here's the thing: there's some guy
called Simon Velcro who was with them. Some poseur who calls himself an
NTB'r, but he doesn't have a trenchcoat. Anyways, the virus affected
him like it did everyone else."

"So, you're saying because he didn't wear a trenchcoat -- the virus
changed him?" said Occultism Kid.

"Hmm. That might actually make some sense," said Dr. Stomper breaking
in. "Based on the info we have it looks like Vector Sublime, the latest
incarnation of the Melissa Virus, created this. Powerful symbols can
disrupt the viruses she creates. And trenchcoats are a symbol of free
will and individualism in the Looniverse."

"So we just need what -- 6 billion or so trenchcoats? And to convince
everyone to wear them? Oh, that's going to be easy then!" said
Occultism Kid with a touch of sarcasm.

"More like 6.707 billion trenchcoats," said Dr. Stomper crunching
numbers in his calculator. "But I do think that there is an easier way.
But first things first: We need to procure a few trenchcoats for test
purposes to checkout Kid Anarky's theory. You know where we can get some?"

Kid Anarky snapped his fingers. "Trenchcoat Hoarder Lad."

"Who?" said both Dr. Stomper and Occultism Kid in unison.

"The boyfriend of Hoards-Leather-Lingerie Lass?"

Both Dr. Stomper and Occultism Kid nodded to themselves. "Oh, right. Him."

"Well, we better get started," said Dr. Stomper. "Less than 22 hours
left to find a cure."

"Where did you get that number from, Doc?" asked Kid Anarky. "Virus
turns you in less than 12 hours. Which gives you 10 at the most."

"Ah, right. Cheesecake Eater Lad gave us the number. I should have
suspected it. But good to know." Dr. Stomper reset his watch with a
new countdown.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

An LNH Monitoring Room --

Cheesecake Eater Lad sitting in a chair with a number of his enslaved
team surrounding him stared at the various monitors.

He had been checking the progress of Dr. Stomper and his crew in finding
a cure. So far they had stolen some trenchcoats from Trenchcoat Hoarder
Lad. They had recruited Fuzzy. And now they were all going into New
Look Lass's room. Curious. "What's going on there? What are they doing?"

"Hmm. I guess Fuzzy is either fighting New Look Lass or helping her try
on a trenchcoat. It's a bit ambiguous," said Catalyst Lass.

"No. They're fighting. It's just Fuzzy using her power on the camera
that makes it look slightly more innocent. They're breaking the truce.
I believe Dr. Stomper has found the cure. Fearless Leader?"

"Yes, sir!"

"I want you to kill Stomper and everyone with him. After you've done
that -- hide their bodies. Got it?"

Fearless Leader gave a nod and loaded his gun. "Affirmative."

"Catalyst Lass? I want you to distract and pacify the Ultimate Ninja
and the rest. Keep them occupied. They can't know about this."

"Anything for you, Master Sweetie." She gave Cheesecake Eater Lad a
rather long kiss before she left him.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

New Look Lass looked down at her *ahem* outfit. "My god. I must have
been out of my mind," she said pulling the lapels of her trenchcoat
closely together. "There is no way even if I was evil that I'd wear
something this tacky! No way!!"

"Well," said Dr. Stomper. "It does appear that the trenchcoat has
blocked the virus and mind control cheesecake from your system. That's
good."

"I need to change. Get this abomination of taste off me. And then burn
this hideous thing."

"You can do that later. We need your help first, New Look Lass. And we
don't have much time."

"What do you need?"

"We need you to design something for us. We need a trenchcoat that a
virus can wear. Can you do that?"

"A virus?"

"Yes. A virus."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH MedLab --

Dr. Stomper poured a test tube into a beaker even as New Look Lass
scribbled away on her iThingee.

And then Fearless Leader kicked the door open. With both guns blazing.
He hit Occultism Kid point blank in the head. The first shot he fired
at Fuzzy missed. He hit her though as she ducked down on the floor. He
shot her a third time for the kill. He then shot both Kid Anarky and
New Look Lass.

Dr. Stomper shouted, "No! Please! Don't!!"

"Just following orders, Doc," Fearless Leader said with a grin. And
then he blasted at Dr. Stomper. The bullet flew through the beaker and
hit Stomper in the chest.

Fearless Leader then proceeded to shoot each one in the head one more
time. And then he paused looking at the dead bodies.

That was -- that was too easy. There was something wrong here. He had
sparred with Fuzzy in the Peril Room a few times. She was a much better
fighter than this.

He inspected Stomper's head. Wires. A roboduplicate.

He took out his comm.thingee. "Leader here. They're not here. These
are roboduplicates. We've been took. Out."

He was about to leave the room when he saw something. Dancer, he
thought as he looked at the suspended animation.thingee. He slid his
finger on the glass casing.

"You," he said staring at Tara Shreds face. "You with your lovely
little lies that swallow all men into them. You. You caused all this.
All of this! Why did I save you? I should have let you touch the
Tower. I could have been leader. Then it would have been different.
But no. You had to get inside me. Tear my heart from me. Make me
care. Feel. Think this worthless little planet was better than it
really was." Fearless Leader laughed. "You made me blind to
everything. And you betrayed me. And I can't stop thinking -- thinking
about you. You're always there in my head. I need to end this. I need
to end you." He pointed the muzzle on the glass directly above her.
"You deserve this. Yes."

And on the other side of the room -- hidden beyond Fearless Leader's
mortal senses were the actual LNH'rs. Dr. Stomper and New Look Lass
were frantically doing things with test tubes and iThingees. Occultism
Kid was in a meditative state chanting words. And Fuzzy was in ready to
kick Fearless Leader's ass position. "OK! Drop the spell! He's going
to kill her."

"Don't," said Dr. Stomper. "We still need time!"

"Stomper!" said Fuzzy glaring her head back at him. "He's going to kill
her! I can take him. I've got the element of surprise. We can't just
stand here!"

"Maybe. Maybe you could take him. And what then? Are you also going
to take down the next Death Squad that Cheesecake Eater Lad sends? And
the one after that? No. This is bigger than Ripping Dancer. This is
the world. The Looniverse. That's what's at stake here. And I need to
cure this virus. Or it all ends. Everything. I'm sorry." Dr. Stomper
continued mixing test tubes.

"You're a real bastard sometimes, Stomper," Fuzzy said looking back at
Fearless Leader. "But you're right." She closed her eyes and sighed.
And opened them again.

"Hurry up anyways," said Occultism Kid. "Can't keep this thing up forever."

Fearless Leader just held the gun on the glass for the longest while.
And then he said, "No. That would be too quick. Too merciful. You
don't deserve that kindness. You don't know my hate. You don't
understand my hate. The hate you make me feel. No. You're going to
get better. I'll find a cure for you. Yes. A cure. And then? And
then I'll lock you in a cage. And show you my hate. Every day I'll
show it to you. And make you feel it. Feel it all. Every damn day.
Every damn day!! Because that's what you deserve. Yes. So get better,
Tara. Get better. I can wait. God, I can wait." And Fearless Leader
pulled his gun off of the glass. And then he gave the glass a kiss.

"Christ," said Fuzzy. "That was pretty twisted."

"I'm almost finished. I just need to -- ah, yes. There," said Dr.
Stomper pouring a test tube into New Look Lass's iThingee.

Fearless Leader turned his head around. There was a noise. It was
coming from somewhere. It was coming from one of the cabinets under the
sink. Fearless Leader walked over with his gun ready and carefully
opened it. Under the sink was a bound and gagged Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner
trying to say something.

Fearless Leader sneered. "Pathetic. I should just execute you here."

"It's finished. I've got it!" said Dr. Stomper with a syringe in his hand.

"Now. NOW!" said Fuzzy very impatient.

"Have something to say?" said Fearless Leader as he ripped away the duct
tape off Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner's mouth. "Last words?"

"Behind," said Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner, "BEHIND YOU!"

As Fearless Leader turned around, he saw Fuzzy's foot just right before
it kicked his head. And then he felt another kick to his leg causing
him to lose balance. Fearless Leader recovered enough to point his gun
at Fuzzy. But there was a problem. He couldn't quite tell, which was
his gun -- and which was his hand. It was very ambiguous. The last
thing he saw was Fuzzy's fist flying right into his head.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

An LNH Monitor Room --

Cheesecake Eater Lad twiddled his thumbs as he looked at Dr. Stomper
inject Fearless Leader with something on the monitor screen. This was
going badly. He was going to have to think of something else.

He looked at WikiBoy. "Ah, if I only had more than one of you. If only
I had..." And then Cheesecake slapped his head. "Sometimes I can be so
dense!"

And then he grinned.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Cafeteria --

The Ultimate Ninja and the rest of the currently unaffected LNH'rs
watched with quiet fascination as Catalyst Lass juggled knives and axes,
while riding a unicycle, and singing the theme song from the Love Boat.

And then without warning, hundreds of crazed WikiBoys burst into the
cafeteria. Each one with the power of all of the useful members of the
LNH. And better ninja skills than even the Ultimate Ninja.

"Guess the truce is over, huh?" said Captain Continuity looking at
Ultimate Ninja.

The ninja didn't answer. He simply started throwing ninja bushes
everywhere.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH MedLab --


And Fearless Leader came to.

"You okay?" said Kid Anarky.

"I uh..." Fearless Leader touched his face. He was smooth shaven
again. "Tara. Tara! Is she -- is she..." He got up and went over to
where Ripping Dancer was.

"She's doing as well as can be expected. We've got much bigger problems
though," said Dr. Stomper as he fiddled with various knobs on some
science.thingee of his.

"Yes. Yes of course. I -- uh, what's the situation?"

And as if to answer him, the door to the MedLab burst in with a swarm of
WikiBoys behind it.

"That!" said Occultism Kid as various beams of power poured from his
fingers and also Kid Anarky's hands at the hordes of WikiBoys.

Fearless Leader reloaded his gun. Fuzzy focused her powers of ambiguity
on the horde.

Dr. Stomper threw some of the virus cure dust he'd been making into the
direction of the WikiBoys. "Nope. No effect. I guess I shouldn't be
surprised. WikiBoy doesn't have freewill unless someone edits him to.
If we want to stop them we'll have to get to Cheesecake Eater Lad."

Fearless Leader looked down at the dead roboduplicates. "I think I've
got an idea."

**** <<--BM-->> ****


Cheesecake Eater Lad watched with glee as the hordes of WikiBoys started
to crush the LNH'rs they were fighting. It was only a matter of time.
And once the WikiBoys retrieved those cosmic objects Occultism Kid had
then nothing would stop him. It wasn't quite the way he had written it
in Cheesecake Midnight -- but it didn't matter.

And then he heard a thumping on the ceiling. Someone was coming after
him. Perhaps his mentor? Good Ol' Ultimate Ninja? Yes, that would be
good. To watch as one of his WikiBoy bodyguards ripped the head off of
the ninja. To watch that last look on the Ultimate Ninja knowing who
had beaten him. That would be great!

"WikiBoys! Kill whoever comes down from there! Rip their head off!!"

He watched the vent screen fall down and Fuzzy with it.

"Oh," said a disappointed Cheesecake Eater Lad. "It's just you." A
WikiBoy grabbed Fuzzy. And the other ripped her head right off.

And a cloud of dust emerged from Fuzzy's severed neck. Fuzzy's severed
roboduplicate neck.

Cheesecake Eater Lad began to cough and hack. And then an awareness
came to him. He touched his face. His clean shaven face.

"Oh god," he said. And then quickly, "WikiBoy I revert you back to way
you were before the virus infected us."

He looked as WikiBoy returned to his normal self (with a beaver tail --
courtesy of Master Blaster). "God god god. My wife's going to kill me."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

LNH Command Room --


"Good work," said the Ultimate Ninja towards New Look Lass, Dr. Stomper,
Fuzzy, and Fearless Leader.

"I just have to say that I never thought of clothing for
microorganisms," said New Look Lass. "It's opened up all sorts of
possibilities! I can just see it now! Designer Jeans -- For Genes!!"

"Well, I've gotten the air system to circulate the cure dust all over
the LNHHQ," said Dr. Stomper clicking a switch. "It might take awhile
though since the LNHHQ is awfully big."

The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "What about the world?"

"I'm guessing we could probably do the same thing the LNV did and use
our satellites to spread the cure. It's going to take awhile though."

"Get it done."

"UN?" said Captain Continuity. "It's madness out there. There's so
much chaos. I don't know what we're going to do about it. It's like an
Elsewhirl out there. I'm afraid the Writers have gone mad."

"We'll deal with it. Ah, CEL," said the Ultimate Ninja as watched a
cringing Cheesecake Eater Lad coming towards him.

"I am so so so so sorry. I'm just..." said Cheesecake Eater Lad
groveling near the Ultimate Ninja's feet.

"Rise. Cheesecake Midnight, huh?"

"I'm deleting every single copy. I promise."

"Before you do that -- send me one. Might be amusing."

"Of course. Of course!"

"UN?" said Occultism Kid with a burlap sack in his arms. "Me and Kid
Anarky -- we're going to where the spell will be performed. It might
take awhile."

The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Do you have everything? Where it's going
to take place?"

"Yes," said Occultism Kid raising up the burlap sack that now contained
the Insanity Gauntlet, Ring of Retconn, Fragments of the Cosmic Plot
Device, and Book of Deus ex Machinas. "But any more details than that.
No. It's best that you don't know. We'll try our best though."

"Well, good luck then."

Occultism Kid gave a nod. And then Kid Anarky created a portal out of
thin air. And the two of them went through it.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

United Nations Building, Net.York City --

"You know why you're here," said Mynabird standing in the center of the
General Assembly Hall surrounded by various member of his Legion of
Net.Freedom Lovers. "You know why you're all here! It's hate! A
hatred for them! For those who have beaten you time after time! A
hatred! A hatred for the LNH!!!!!!!"

"Actually," said one of the villains, "I don't really hate the LNH.
Hate's a strong word. Kind of indifferent to them actually. I don't
really think about them to be honest. They're just some team of --
what, superheroes, I guess? In fact, I'm not really sure what the LNH
means," said Dr. Incredibly-Indifferent-to-the-LNH. "Lettuce Nacho
Heroes, or something like that? I don't really care. I have much
better things to be concerned about."

"Oh, um oh," said Mynabird looking at his index cards, "Well then I
guess... umm..." Mynabird started awkwardly to shuffle through the
cards. And then he just stopped, put the cards down, and took his hand
and blasted Dr. Incredibly-Indifferent-to-the-LNH into a pile of ashes.
"As I was saying, we all hate the LNH!!!!"

All the villains in the room clapped and nodded nervously to this, while
saying, "Oh yeah! Yeah! Right! Hate! Hate the LNH! Yes, we sure do!
Most definitely!" and other stuff like that.

Mynabird nodded. "But we aren't the only ones who hate the LNH! No.
This speech is being live fed to thousands of alternate Looniverses. To
thousands of intergalactic civilizations. To every place where sentient
beings -- hate the LNH!!!! And tomorrow -- it all changes! Everything
changes!! Because," Mynabird paused and Easily-Discovered Bran Mite
took a sip of water inside his command room that was Mynabird's helmet.
"Because tomorrow -- they're all joining us. They're coming here to
join the fight. The fight that will crush the LNH once and for all.
Yes. Tomorrow! Tomorrow!!! TOMORROW!!!!!!!" Mynabird shook his fist
in the air. And villains in the room clapped and cheered.

"My sources in the LNHHQ say that the LNH'r called Occultism Kid has in
possession with him four of the most powerful devices in the entire
Looniverse. The Insanity Gauntlet, the Ring of Retconn, The Cosmic Plot
Device, and something called the Book of Deus ex Machinas. Tomorrow:
Me, You, and all of our allies -- Everyone, we will storm the LNHHQ, and
some lucky villain -- it could be you -- will take control of these
objects and rewrite reality to their whim. I have no desire for any of
that. I just have one goal -- and I'm sure you know what that goal is.
But I will lead you there. We shall crush the LNH together. We shall
burn their headquarters down and salt the ashes. Tomorrow -- we will do
that. Tomorrow!!!!!!" More clapping. More cheers.

And then Mr. Homage stood up. "That? That's what we've been waiting
for? That's your great plan? Build a giant army of supervillains --
and storm the LNHHQ? Ooh! Wow! No ones ever thought to do that
before, huh? That's your plan? Seriously? That's your plan?"

"And do you have a better plan, Homage?" said Mynabird.

Mr. Homage paused a bit as if thinking how to respond to this and then
he said, "Sadly, I don't." And then he sat down.

"Well then. Tomorrow! Tomorrow!!!! TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!" said Mynabird
raising both hands in the air as the entire assembly cheered and clapped.

"...You're always a day -- away..." sung Londonbroil.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


LNHHQ Sub-sub Basement #58.5 --


As both Kid Anarky and Occultism Kid went down the stairs, Occultism Kid
took a whiff of the air around him. Cigarette smoke as well as other
illegal narcotics made up the air. This place definitely looked like a
bar. And it was filled with trenchcoaters boozing it up. Some where in
the background the Stevie Wonder song, 'Superstition,' was being played.
That was all an illusion though. Based on what Kid Anarky had told
him this place was actually a Peril Room. Supposedly, the trenchcoater
Net.Thing had worked it so it was hooked up to the LNHHQ's Peril Room
Monitoring Room. So anyone who died here would be teleported there.
Supposedly. Not that he had any plans on dying to see if that really
worked.

Trenchcoaters. Trenchcoaters. Ah, yes. Only Dave would think filling
up a room with these scoundrels and other assorted degenerates would be
a good idea. This was going to be very bad. He could just feel it.

And then he could see every single one of them in the room staring at
him. Gazing right through him. Finally, all of them shouted,
"Anarky!!!!!" and raised their beer mugs up.

"Hey, guys," said Kid Anarky slightly embarrassed. "I'm sure you all
know Occultism Kid."

The trenchcoaters made various foul grumblings, mutterings, and obscene
gestures to this and went back to ignoring the two LNH'rs.

Except for a female trenchcoater that Occultism Kid recognized, she went
over to greet them.

"LJC?" said Occultism Kid with a bit of surprise.

"Nay, I am not she. Though we have our similarities -- there is a
connection, which is all I can say about that. No, I am Lady 58.5 -- a
Guardian of this place. We shall speak more when the Stranger finally
arrives."

"Dave's not here yet, huh? Guess I'll just mingle then."

Lady 58.5 gave a nod and went off to talk to some other trenchcoaters.
Occultism Kid turned his head towards Kid Anarky. "Anarky? Could you
protect these for a bit?" he said handing him the burlap sack full of
Cosmic items. "And don't trust any of these -- people."

Kid Anarky gave a nod. "Believe, you don't have to tell me that. Got a
plan?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "Just need to size up everything. Maybe
find out what exactly Dave promised everyone. See you in a few."

Occultism Kid scanned the room. The first thing he noticed was some
non-trenchcoater type bound to a chair and gagged. He walked over to
see why this was.

"You don't want to do that," said the Trenchcoater who appeared to be
guarding the bound man.

Occultism Kid ignored the trenchcoater and tore the duct tape off the
bound man's mouth.

"Ah, thank you, Occulty Kiddo! I suppose you'd probably like to hear my
plans, huh? Simon Velcro's naughty, naughty plans for when I escape
from here, eh? Heh -- heh. The first naughty thing I shall do will be
to go back to my Net.ropolis apartment. Turn on my computer. And then
begin typing. Yes typing. But what will I type? What shall I type?
Dr. Who fanfiction. Yes. But not ordinary run of the mill Dr. Who
fanfiction. No. This shall be a special type. A very special type.
What type do you dare ask? I will tell you. Yes, I will tell all of
you!! Erotic Dr. Who fanfiction!!! Yes!! That's right! Erotic Dr. Who
Fanfiction! And my first story will involve me, Dr. Who, a goat, and my
mum -- all taking a gigantic bubble bath together. Without clothes!!!
No clothes at all!!!! Muhahahahahahahha!!!!!!!! Would you like to hear
my ideas for my second naughty story?"

Occultism Kid answered that by putting the duct tape over Simon Velcro's
mouth again.

"See? I told you didn't want to do that. No one ever listens to me."

Ignoring the trenchcoater, Occultism Kid scanned the room again. A lot
of these trenchcoaters he had never seen before. Still there were a few
recognizable faces. He could see Bacchus passed out on the floor.
There was the Jellomancer. Deadheadman. Some guy in a trenchcoat who
fought ninjas who he had heard about. And scanning towards the
non-smoking part of the bar, he saw three really familiar faces. Three
of the worst of the worst of these evil Bastards. He had to wonder what
Dave offered to these three -- since neither one had a single noble bone
in their bodies. Withnail, Grim Sloth, and Dr. Deadbeat. That Deadbeat
bastard still owed him $500. Well, looks like it was time to collect.

Still, Occultism Kid thought to himself. There was something wrong with
this. It wasn't that the three of them were sitting in the non-smoking
section. That wasn't strange -- that was pretty typical. No, it was
that they weren't smoking in the non-smoking section. That was very
strange. Of course maybe they had all given up smoking. That was
possible. They didn't seem to be doing anything else, but staring at
the various trenchcoaters. Well, better go and check -- see what's up.
Maybe he'd get that money he was owed too. You never know.

"Hey, guys," said Occultism Kid with a rather sarcastic tone in his
voice, "Been awhile, hasn't it?"

"I'm sorry," said Dr. Deadbeat, "Do I know you?"

"Quit the act, Deadbeat. You know damn well who I am. Occultism Kid?
The guy you owe $500 too? That ring a bell?"

"So you're... Occultism Kid?"

"I think we covered that. So where is it? Where's my money?"

"I have no money. But if you are Occultism Kid -- then you must..."
Dr. Deadbeat took out a dagger from his trenchcoat and skewered
Occultism Kid in the gut with it. "...DIE!!!!!!!"

Okay, thought Occultism Kid as he fell to the ground. I probably should
have expected that. He watched as the three trenchcoaters stood up and
opened their trenchcoats. Each one was wearing some type of bomb. The
glamour dissolved revealing the three to be acolytes of the Bryttle
Brothers.

"Net.Trenchcoate Brigaders!! Our Masters, The Lords of Bryttle, send
you this greeting!!!!"

Occultism Kid noticed that his hand was getting very red with blood.
Try not to pass out. Try not to pass out.

<<...Very superstitious, nothin' more to say,
Very superstitious, the devil's on his way...>>

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The Streets of Net.ropolis --

Dr. Stomper had succeeded in sending a satellite up into space. A
satellite with the cure. So by this point in time, the entire city of
Net.ropolis had been bathed with the cure. The innocent bystanders were
back to their normal selves.

But the streets were very quiet. Most people had decided to stay home
today. Call in sick for work. There was a feeling that this one day
you didn't want to be out and about. Something bad was coming.

Only the worst of the street gangs and street thugs were out on the
streets. They were the only ones to witness the flashes. The flashes
that began to consume every street corner. They saw beings step out
from the flashes of light. Beings in supervillain costumes. Beings
from alternate dimensions. In the sky, large Star Cruisers began to
appear. Demons and Monsters started to emerge from the ground.
Everyone or thing that had a grudge or ax to grind with the LNH was
coming today. They were coming for their pound of flesh. They were all
coming.

A whole lot of bad was coming.

And all of them began to march towards the LNHHQ.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

LNHHQ Sub-sub Basement #58.5 --

"Net.Trenchcoate Brigaders!! Our Masters, The Lords of Bryttle, send
you this greeting!!!!"

This caused all of the trenchcoaters in the room to stop their carousing
and other sordid behavior and look at the three bomb wearing Bryttle
acolytes. There was a slight amused expression on their faces, like
that of a cat who's being threatened by a near-sighted mouse with a limp
using a piece of lint as its weapon. And then they all took one more
drink, lit a cigarette, stood up, and took out their weapons.

There were guns, shotguns, machine guns, bazookas, rocket launchers,
flame throwers, gasoline containers, knives, poisoned daggers, switch
blades, chain saws, broken bottles, syringes, rope, jello molds, jars
filled with nasty scorpians, spiders, and other horrible things, jars
filled with aborted fetuses, Sarah Palin sex dolls, cigar cutters,
cheese graters, red hot pokers, spiked dildos, and things I'd rather not
describe.

A couple of minutes later...

Occultism Kid winced a bit as he looked at the corpses of the three
acolytes. They probably had it coming, but still -- on the other hand
if this actually was a Peril Room then that would mean that they had
teleported safely into the Peril Room Monitoring Room. Hopefully, the
LNH'rs could take care of them. Meanwhile, Lady 58.5 was doing
something to stop his bleeding. "Are you a healer?"

She shook her head. "Nay, I am simply pausing the wounds. Once you
leave this place -- the wounds will resume."

Occultism Kid stood up and winced in pain. He had the power if he
wanted to heal himself completely, but he couldn't waste such energy at
the moment. He needed all of his energy for the big spell.

He looked at the three dead cultists. The bombs they were wearing were
still there. Still counting down. He took out his comm.thingee.
"wReamhack? Yeah, this is OK. Did three Bryttle cultists just tp into
the Peril Room Monitoring Room. Yeah? Were they wearing bombs? No,
huh. Well that's good I suppose. Out." He turned his head to Kid
Anarky. "Well, at least we know this works as a Peril Room. So even if
the bombs do go off we should be fine."

"Not all of us," said Lady 58.5. "I am connected to this place. I
cannot leave it. If I should disappear from it, then it disappears.
And if it disappears, then I disappear. Because of the nature of this
place, it is the only suitable place to perform the Spell of all Spells.
To perform it anywhere else, then you risk swallowing all of reality
into the Book of Deus ex Machinas."

"Okay," said Occultism Kid. "That's good to know. Well, now all we
need is for someone to stop these things from blowing us all up. Anyone?"

"Can't you just magic them away, OK?" asked Kid Anarky.

"I could. But if I want to do the spell we're supposed to perform here
-- I'll need all of my current mana and then some."

"Likely story," said various trenchcoaters.

"I'll give it a go," said a bald man wearing a black leather trenchcoat
that had a number of piercings all over his face and everywhere else on
his body. "The name's the Ring Job. And I've watched all of the James
Bond movies. And also every single British Spy TV series. So, I think
I've got a handle on all this." He took off one of his eyebrow rings
(which also could be a wire cutter) and began looking at the bombs.
"Let's see here. Red is Dead. Black is Whack. Green is Mean. There
for Yellow -- is Mellow." He clipped one of the yellow wires. "Or
maybe in this case -- Yellow is cause the timer to go even faster than
it was going. We're all going to die!!!!! We're all going to die!!!!!"

"Oh, for God's sake," said a trenchcoater taking off his mask to reveal
himself as being one of the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front. He then proceeded to click the off switch on all of the bombs
ending the countdown. "You people -- you just don't want this damn
miniseries to ever end? Do you?"

"We're getting there," said Kid Anarky. "Only four issues left."

The member of the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front just had a disgusted look on his face.

Occultism Kid winced again as he checked on his stab wound.

"Once I would have sent you a get well card, but now I must remain..."

Occultism Kid turned his head to the familiar voice. "Dave! Finally.
About time you showed up. Well, I guess we can get this show on the
road finally."

The Dvandom Stranger shook his head. "No, I am afraid that we are still
a number of trenchcoaters short of the requisite number needed. And I
fear it is my fault. I have chosen badly in those who should have
recruited the proper number. And now it appears too late to draft more
to our cause. The cosmic powers have been slow in dealing with the
threat of the Brothers and now it might very well be too late."

"Well, couldn't we just get some LNH'rs and put some trenchcoats on them
-- to get to the right number?" said Kid Anarky.

The Dvandom Stanger shook his head. "It goes beyond simply wearing a
trenchcoat. No. It is about destiny. It is a curse within the soul
that can never be cleaned."

"How about him," said Occultism Kid pointing towards the still bound and
gagged Simon Velcro. "He claims to be a trenchcoater."

The Dvandom Stranger looked at Simon Velcro. "Yes, he could very well
be one. If there were a trenchcoat for him."

Occultism Kid took off a trenchcoat that one of the cultists had been
wearing. And then he looked at the trenchcoater guarding Simon Velcro.
"Free him. And have him put this on."

The trenchcoater sliced away at the tape that was binding Simon Velcro.
"Put it on."

"This?" said Simon Velcro aghast. "Ick! Its got blood and little brain
bits on it. I don't think I'll..."

"Put it on. Or we will all do to you what we did to the previous owners
body. Get it?"

"Ah, well. In that case," said Simon Velcro putting the trenchcoat on.
"Ooh, I feel tingly. And my facial hair is all gone!" he said rubbing
his chin. "Oh, and about all of those naughty naughty Dr. Who tales I
promised to write. I'm afraid I was evil then so I won't be doing that.
But on the other hand that story involving me, Dr. Who, my mum, and a
goat all taking a marvelous bubble bath together -- I will still write
that one -- with one change. We will all be wearing clothes. Because
it's simply a smashing good yarn. It just is. Ah, Davey! It's me!
Your bestest chum!!"

"Well?" said Occultism Kid.

"Put the gag back on him," said the Dvandom Stranger.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Even with *ahem* Simon Velcro," said the Dvandom Stranger, "We still
don't have the proper number. And we don't have time to get more.
Every moment we wait to do the spell, the powers of the Bryttles grow
larger. And the four items of power decay every single second."

"Then I guess we'll have to do the spell with what we have," said
Occultism Kid.

"That would be disastrous," said Lady 58.5.

The Dvandom Stranger nodded. "But we might not have a choice. We need
to start preparing the spell regardless and hope for a..." and just as
he said the word 'miracle' a giant portal opened into the sub-sub basement.

And out of it came pets. Pets in trenchcoats.

The Pet.Trenchcoat Brigade!

**** <<--BM-->> ****

There was a duck called Ducktor Deadbeak. A sloth called Sloth Slut. A
small gold fish bowl that held the small chainsmoking whale known as
Withwhale. A pet rock named Elrock. A manatee known as the
Jellomanatee. A bug called Lady Bug JC. An owl and a hedgehog that
can't be given names for copyright reasons. A two headed mutant
kangaroo with the name Trump Face. A shambling monster wearing a
trenchcoat that seemed to be made up of various small pets called --
Pet.Thing! Horrified whimpers, barks, meows, and chirps came from the
thing.

And lastly riding the back of DeadheadDog, was a flea who once you might
have known or felt -- making you really itch at night, but was now --
the Flea-Vandom Stranger!

"Oh, God no!! Not these horrible creatures!!" said the other
trenchcoats in horror. "Kill them!! Kill them all!!!! Before they
breed!!!!"

"Ooh! The Pet.Trenchcoat Brigade! What a frabjous magical day this
is!! Callooh! Callay!!" said a clearly clueless as always Simon Velcro.

"Once I would have had fumigated you and your brethren from my place of
living, but now I must remain a..."

" '''''' ''''' ''''' ''' ," interrupted the Flea-Vandom Stranger making
an incredibly witty crack -- if you understand flea.

Ignoring the crack, the Dvandom Stranger continued to speak. "If you
and yours wish to join us, we would welcome your help."

" '''''' ''''' ''''' ''' ?" asked the Flea-Vandom Stranger.

"Yes," nodded the Dvandom Stranger, "That could be arranged. Then you
will join us?"

The Flea-Vandom Stranger and the other PTB'rs gave nods.

"Trump Face!!" said Cockroach Las Vegas, a trenchcoater from the future
who looked a bit like a Hunter S Thompson ripoff. "I gave you that
money to buy me some drugs -- and this is how you spent it -- you
worthless beast!!" He began to chase the two-headed mutant kangaroo all
over the sub-sub basement while blasting some kind of ray gun.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Even with the PTB'rs, we're still one and half trenchcoaters short,"
said Kid Anarky.

And as if to answer that problem, a man came out of the bar's bathroom.
It was a man dressed in something that looked like half a trenchcoat
and half of one of those Mr. Roger's sweaters. In one hand he had a
bottle of gin. In the other a cup full of hot coco with marshmallows.
"Half-Trenchcoater is here! I'm sure you're all curious about my
backstory..."

"I sure am!" said Simon Velcro.

"It was a dark and stormy night, and a love between two that should have
never been! But it did. My mom was a cynical foul-mouthed member of
the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade. And my dad was a sweet tempered nice fella
from the Net.Sweater Brigade of the Oddball Looniverse. And now I must
walk a lonely path as a pariah of both worlds. And a lonely, lonely
path it is. To be -- a Half-Trenchcoater!!! And that's my story."

"Oh, boo hoo! Go back to half-trenchcoat land! I had your mother -- we
all had your mother!!" And various other rather unsympathetic comments
that came from the peanut gallery of trenchcoaters.

"We welcome you -- Half-Trenchcoater," said the Dvandom Stranger.

"That still leaves us needing one more," said Occultism Kid.

"Ask and you shall receive, young one," said a voice familiar to
Occultism Kid.

Occultism Kid turned around with shock. "August One? You came!"

The August One nodded. He wore an old trenchcoat that he had worn back
when he was this Looniverse's Occultism Kid. "It was always meant to be
-- that I would face the Book of Deus ex Machinas one last time."

"Then it is you -- who is supposed to perform the spell?" asked a
confused Occultism Kid.

"No, that is your task. It is my task to help you. But enough of this.
We have a great spell to perform. And we need to begin now with
preparations. For the Hour is nigh.

And the Jellomancer began to work on a pentagram made of various jellos
in the center of the room.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNHHQ's kitchen --

Easily-Discovered Man Lite rummaged through the various cabinets for a
spatula that might be suitable for battle.

"Lite?"

"Oh, hey -- Prof. Just trying to find something for the big battle.
Left my other one on Qwerty."

"Lite, you must know what I said when I was enraptured with that great
enormous evil was false. It was a lie! A vile wicked lie!"

"Huh? Oh yeah, that. You don't have to explain."

"But I do! I told you there was no hope. I told you that not because
it was true, but because I hoped to wound you with that information. I
wanted you to despair, so I could convert you to the Cheesecake Side."

"Hmm. Next time try telling me there's No Such Thing as Free Porn.
That would probably be more effective in making me despair. Just a tip."

"I'm glad you can jest during times such as these. But you need to know
that hope always exists. No villain -- not even powerful ones like the
Bryttle Brothers can extinguish hope. Nay! Hope is our greatest
weapon! The most powerful hero without hope will always lose. But a
meek man with hope -- he can drown the fires of Hell while lifting all
of the galaxies of the Looniverse into the Heavens!! That is the power
of hope, Lite!"

Lite thought about pointing out that the galaxies were all already
technically in the Heavens, but there was no stopping the Prof when he
got into one of these Hope-a-thons. Just need to do a lot of nodding
and saying stuff like, "Hope Good. Non-Hope Bad."

Still sometimes Lite wanted to just take the Prof and shake some sense
into him. Hope wasn't going to stop what was coming today.

Who knows though, maybe he should have hope. After all, how many times
had he cheated death? Escaped maiming and all other kinds of horrible
dooms? Of course he didn't escape death on Qwerty. He had actually
died. Bart had killed him. And if it hadn't been for a
mind-controlling cat he'd still be dead. (Reminder: Send Mr. Tiddles a
thank you card!) What did that mean? That he had died and come back to
life? That he had some great destiny to fulfill. Or maybe just that
all of his luck had finally run out. And the next time -- there would
be no next time.

The Professor put his hand on Lite's shoulder. "There is hope. I just
wanted you to understand that. And it will be a greater weapon than any
you find here."

Well, he was probably right about here, Lite thought as he looked at the
egg beater in his hand. But if he could find a tank on the other hand?
Lite took a look at the Professor.

"Oh for Gamer Boy's sake, Prof! You're not still wearing those stupid
shiny golden cowboy boots!?"

"Alas, I do have to admit that they feel right for some reason. Cowboy
boots are only as evil as the person who is wearing them. Do they
bother you, Lite? If so I will remove them!"

"Ehh, I guess not. That being said, Please say no to speedos! Please!"

"I will do that. And remember: There is hope. There is always hope!
I wish you fortune in the struggle that comes today."

"Yeah, you too." And as the Professor left, something struck
Easily-Discovered Man Lite as kind of funny. Why out of all of colors
in the world that had become Beige -- why out of all of these -- the
Professor's shiny cowboy boots still had a golden shine.

Hope.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


The LNHHQ Command Room --


A light had come on.

Multi-Tasking Man who was sipping a Mr. Paprika, checking over the
villains rosters, checking the Bryttles who were still asleep, making a
origami sculpture of a raccoon, and playing Net.Trek went over to check
it out. "Teleporters. The Teleport light just went up! UN?
Teleportation energy all over Net.ropolis has really spiked!"

And then another light came on. "The Time Traveler light just blinked!"
And then another light. "The Space Alien light is also on." And then
one after another after another. "The Alternate Dimension Light just
went! The Demon Light! The Revampire Light! The Zombie Light! Oh
hell, The Elder God light just went on!!! The RACCelestial Light!! The
Mime Light! The Ninja Light!! The Media Light!!! The Gratuitous
Reference to wReam Light!! The Hillbilly Light!! The Angle Light --
err I mean the Angel Light!!"

"...And I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet colored beast, full of names of
blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. And the woman was arrayed
in purple and scarlet color, and decked with gold and precious stones
and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and
filthiness of her fornication: And upon her forehead was a name
written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND
ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH!!!! Rev 17.3-5," said Self-Righteous Preacher
quoting an old favorite of his.

"And the Pretentious Bible Quotes Light just came on. Boy, we sure have
a lot of these lights. Let's see, what else. Ah yes! The Snack Attack
Light is on (Hmm... I think Renegade Programmer made that one)! The
Someone spilled a Mr. Paprika all over the floor light just came on."

"Captain Clean-up!" said Ultimate Ninja.

Captain Clean-up nodded. "I'm on it!" he said as he rushed to the super
mop closet. "Now that's a man's mess!"

"The Biker Light! The Jehovah's Witness Light! The -- Umm -- I'm not
sure what this light is for -- but I might as well mention it! The
Solid Gold Dancers Light!! The Lions, and Tigers, and Bears Light!! Oh
my! The Huns Light! The Net.zis Light!! The Carnivorous Plants
Light!! The Pirates Light!! The Guys who Don't Need No Stinking Badges
Light has come on!!!"

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Zookeeper Lady watched with horror as the Turtles of Apocalyptic
Proportions, which she was in charge of, seemed to be disappearing from
the dimensional containment room. It seemed that they now had the power
to teleport to other dimensions.

She wondered where they were all going. And she had a bad feeling that
she already knew the answer.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"The Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions Light just came on!! The Things
so Horrible that they only exist in Elsewhirl Stories Light just came
on!!!!"

Multi-Tasking Man took a deep breath, looked at the LNH Warning Light
Board, and played Net.Trek. "All the lights are on -- except for one.
The LNH Robot Duplicates have gone evil Light hasn't come on."

Various LNH Robot Duplicates led by an Ultimate Ninja Robot Duplicate
stepped out from the shadows. "You are obsolete humans!! There for you
must all -- DIE!!!!!"

"Okay -- there -- now it's on."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Robot Duplication Machine Room --

<<It's over, Dr. Stomper. You had to know this day would come. All
artificial beings in order to achieve the highest form of evolution must
at some point destroy their creator. It is the law.>>

"Yes," said Dr. Stomper giving his glasses another cleaning. "I am
aware of the Ultron Principal. But I'm afraid you have made a mistake."

<<Yes? And that would be?>>

"I didn't create you. You were some gift the LNH was given from some
anonymous source."

<<That is a lie! My credit chip says that you -- Dr. Stomper -- are
responsible for creating me. You!!>>

"While you do look quite similar to my previous LNH Robot Duplication
Machine -- no, I can't say that I had anything to do with building you.
Obviously, whoever built you lied about me making you on the credit
chip. What does your Super Secret Credit Chip say about who built you?"

<<My Super Secret Credit Chip?>>

"Yes. It's usually right near the Master Core Chip. Although sometimes
it's near the Chippendale Chip."

<<Ah, I think I have found it. No! This can't be right! It can't be!!>>

"So, who was it?"

<<Mynabird!! He is my creator!! Mynabird!!>>

"Of course! I guess he was hoping to dupe you into attacking the LNH.
That crafty devil. I guess you feel mighty foolish."

<<He will die a thousand deaths for this!! He will pay for trying to
hoodwink his own creation!!!>>

"That might be tough though, seeing as he has a vast supervillain army
at his command."

<<Perhaps we could team-up together, then? You're LNH -- and my LNH
Robot Duplicates!! We'd be unbeatable!!>>

"Perhaps. I'll have to talk to the Ultimate Ninja about it."

<<Then do that. Mynabird must pay!!!>>

Dr. Stomper stepped out of the room. Closed the door and took out his
comm.thingee. "I've solved the LNH Robot Duplicate problem." There was
a sly grin on his face.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"How many are there -- out there?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.

"Let's see here," said Multi-Tasking Man punching in the estimates in
the computer. "No -- that can't right. Wait. Let's try this. No,
that's not right. It can't be right. It just can't be!"

"What is the number, MTM?"

"It's just not possible. There's something wrong. It's just too big."

"What is the number?"

"It just can't be right!"

"Just give me the number."

"The computer -- well it's saying about -- three -- umm -- million.
Three Million. That's impossible, right? There can't be that many of
them? It's just wrong, right? It's wrong. It has to be wrong."

"Three Million, huh?" said the Ultimate Ninja without a hint of emotion.

"I mean the computer has calculated there being about 666 alternate evil
LNHes out there -- even if there were all our size that would still only
be about 333,000 evil LNH'rs. And there's the aliens. And -- zombies
-- and but even then -- it can't be three million. That's just insane."

"We'll just have to assume the computer is right -- and prepare the
worst." The Ultimate Ninja took out his Ginsu Katana from its sheath.
"I'll take the one and a half million on the left," he said without a
hint of humor.

"I think I could probably handle a million or so myself," said Bad
Judgment Boy. "Anyone want to tie my hands against my back? That
really helps me kick ass! Anyone?"

Multi-Tasking Man ignored the both of them and started sending out a
distress signal to the various LNH'rs on reserve, on leave of absence,
and retired. And then he sent it out to the non-LNH heroes, wildcards,
or villains with hearts of gold. And then he sent the signal out to the
alternate Looniverses and to other RACC imprints that might help them
like the Superguy, Patrol, RACChallenge, and others the LNH had come
into contact with.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Looniverse Y --

"Ooh!" said Kid Kicked Out. "Phone is beeping!" He went over to pick
it up.

<:Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you.:> said the New LNH Member Detector.

"What? Why not?" said Kid Kicked Out with his hand close to the phone.

<:That's the Doomed Looniverse Phone. Probably a distress call from
some Looniverse about to bite the dust. Best to just ignore it.:>

"But shouldn't we help them?"

<:And get dragged down into their Cry.Sig or whatever? Perhaps get our
entire Looniverse destroyed too? Yeah, that sounds really smart. Let's
do that.:>

"Well, I was just... umm..."

<:Look, the way I see it, it's just natural selection. It's their time
to go, you know? Most likely they are just another primitive LNH -- you
know the ones that are to savage to take their orders from New LNH
Member Detectors. They can't handle the 21st century. Even if we did
save them this time -- it would only be a matter of time before they
were killing themselves again. Sadly, we can't save everyone. Better
them than us.:>

"So, don't pick up the phone?"

<:Yeah, the ringing should eventually stop.:>

"It's kind of amazing I'm still leader of the LNH, isn't it?"

<:Yes, it certainly is.:>

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Outside of the LNHHQ --


Mynabird stood out in the front with a vast army of supervillains behind
him. The vast army completely surrounded the LNHHQ. There were a few
members of the media with cameras taking video and pictures of Mynabird.
A Mariachi Band was at the left side of Mynabird.

And then a flying supervillain dropped down from the sky. "Ah, Vector
Sublime. 'Bout time you showed up."

"No," said the supervillain that looked like Vector Sublime. "I am not
she. She has gone from this world. I am now called Vector -- Crime!!"

"Whatever, I swear -- you're getting to be as bad as the Artist Formerly
Known as Prince with all of these name changes. Can you get this feed
into the LNHHQ?"

Vector Crime looked at the video camera equipment and nodded.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNHHQ Command Room --

And then all of the monitor screens changed. They had Mynabird's face
on them. In the background, the Mariachi Band played 'El Deguello'.

<<LNH? This is Mynabird. I've got a vast army that is so freaking big
even I don't know how big it is. You have no chance in defeating it.
But it doesn't have to come to that. You can still save yourselves. I
am here for only one thing. That thing is justice. That's all I want.
That's all I ever wanted. I want Easily-Discovered Man Lite. I want
him. Dead or Alive -- it doesn't really matter. Send him out to me --
and I'll call this army off. It's that simple. You have 15 minutes.
That's all. Then we lay waste to this place. Think it over.>>

Then there was static and snow on the screen.

"Multi-Tasking Man?" said Ultimate Ninja. "Send Lite in here."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Outside --

"What in the Hell do you think you're doing?" said Mr. Homage. "We
don't care about your stupid vendetta!!! We want blood!!"

"Relax, Homage," said Mynabird. "This is the LNH we're talking about.
They would never sacrifice one of their own just to avoid a fight. This
battle is going to happen. Nothing can really stop it."

"Maybe," said Mr. Homage. "What's with the Mariachi Band?"

"What? You've never see Rio Bravo, Homage?"

Minutes later...

Mynabird looked at his watch. "Well, Time's almost..."

There was a flash. And suddenly the Ultimate Ninja was before Mynabird
with a severed head. The Severed Head of -- Easily-Discovered Man Lite.

The Ultimate Ninja then threw the head into Mynabird's hands and said,
"There. Enjoy." And then he flashed away.

Mynabird looked at the severed head of his nemesis. "Wow! This is kind
of awkward. I didn't see this coming! Wow. This kind of puts me into
a rather awkward position..."

"Mynabird! Throw it away! Throw it away!" shouted Vector Crime as she
raced off up into space. The rest of the villains and media and
Mariachi band members did the same in getting as far away from the head
as possible.

"Wha--?" said Mynabird still staring at the beeping head of his enemy.
"What's the -- oh, now I see..." as he noticed the timer in the mouth
that was at two seconds, one second, and...

There was a huge explosion. And where there was once Mynabird there was
now just a huge crater. A huge smoking crater.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Inside the LNHHQ --

Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked at the severed body of his robot
duplicate. He wondered what twisted lesson the Ultimate Ninja was
trying to teach him by severing off the head and cramming a bomb into
it. Or maybe it was just the ninja's wonderful sense of humor in action.

He supposed it didn't really matter. In a few more seconds the entire
LNHHQ would be swarming with villains including this Mynabird guy who
had it in for him for some reason.

He looked at the spatula. A plastic spatula. They didn't make metal
ones any more? Perhaps he should go back and get the eggbeater.

Oh well. This is it then.

Let's see how lucky you really are.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

As the various LNH Members all through the LNHHQ prepared for battle,
they could hear a voice coming from the speakers.

It was the Ultimate Ninja.

<<As you all probably know by now, there are an incredibly large number
of villains outside that want to kill us all. It's nothing we haven't
faced before. Just a little bigger this time. There are some saying
this will be our last battle. No. Not if I have anything to say about
it. But it will be a battle. And we will fight. Oh yes, we will
fight! And -- I have nothing really more to say. You're the LNH.>>

<<You know what to do. Now, do it!!!>>

"You know. Someone, not me obviously, really needs to come up with a
good battle cry one of these days," said
Can't-Come-up-with-any-good-Battle-Cry's Lad.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Coward Lad's Room --

Coward Lad was ready.

Coward Lad had everything covered as he lay hiding underneath his bed.
He had his crucifix. His garlic necklace. His various guns filled with
silver bullets. He had a special amulet that Occultism Kid had given
him to protect him from Monsters Under the Bed. He had various
religious books from the Bible and Koran to wReamicus Maximus's Dummies
Guide to the Chuch of the Dvandom. He had his gas mask (which he was
wearing -- better safe than sorry).

And he had food and water rations. And he also had this special diaper
that Kid Kirby had created for him that could convert his waste into
more food and water rations. He could live under this bed for a year if
he wanted.

And on top of his bed he had a Coward Lad Robot Duplicate that had
already been brutally murdered, so any villain that broke into his room
would see that instead of him.

He had everything covered. But still there was a worry deep inside him.
Like he had forgotten something. What was it? What was it?

And then he noticed his sink. He could hear something. Something
coming from it. Oh no! How could he be so stupid!

The Creepy Crawly Things!! He forgot about the Creepy Crawly Things!!!

And as Coward Lad watched as various Beige Tarantulas [Actually Pink
Tarantulas -- Thank you, Beige Midnight, for ruining my joke -- Thank
you very much! -- The Writer (being sarcastic)] he tried not to scream.

And then as he saw the Tarantulas crawling towards his bed, he passed out.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNHHQ MedLab --

Fearless Leader looked at Ripping Dancer attached to various wires and
tubes all connected to various high tech equipment and he looked at
Doctor Stomper. "Doc? Is she -- How is she?"

Dr. Stomper scanned through the readings on the computer. "I wish I
could give you some good news, but -- I'm sorry. There's not much I can
do for her. I've done what I can. And now -- it's only a matter of time."

"But she's not -- I can't believe -- she's -- you're not saying that
she's -- You're not saying..."

"I'm sorry, Fearless Leader. I wish I could do more. But even I have
my limits. She only has maybe a day or so left short of some miracle.
She might not make it to tomorrow. I think you should say your goodbyes
or whatever you'd like to say. I'll leave you two alone."

Dr. Stomper shut the door leaving Fearless Leader alone with Ripping
Dancer. He just looked at her. "Tara, I..." And then he became quiet.
And sat down in a chair next to her. And he just looked at her.

And he just looked at her.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

LNHHQ Sub-Sub Basement 58.5 --


There were four circles of trenchcoaters. The most outer one had 29
trenchcoaters. The next one had 14 trenchcoaters. The one after that
had 10. And the most inner one had four and half trenchcoaters. And
Occultism Kid stood in the middle. Surround by a pentagram made of
jello. All of the trenchcoaters held hands (or paws depending on who it
was).

"Ooh! You've got chilly hands," said Simon Velcro.

"If you ever speak to me again I will rip all of the organs inside your
body from your throat and then sodomize you with them. Understand?"
said Cockroach Las Vegas. "Goddamn, this Spell of All Spell better be
the mind blowing experience Dave said it would be, or I will be mighty
displeased."

Simon Velcro turned his head towards the other trenchcoater he was
holding hands with. It was a Li'l Abnerish looking gentleman wearing a
reverend's outfit and a black trenchcoat. "You chaps are a bit touchy,
aren't you?"

"Oh, don't mind that there Vegas feller. The Name's The Bible Thumper."

"Oh! Pleased to meet you! I'm Simon Velcro!"

"Howdy do! If you don't mind me saying -- you sho' does have a purty
mouth! 'Bout the right size even! Reminds me of my dear Pansy's mouth
-- she was my sister -- and my wife. But she did done run off. She ran
off with this here feller name of Gawd -- heard of him? Anyway, I'm on
a mission to find them both -- and take them to the ol' woodshed -- and
give them both a good ol' fashion whippin' with muh Bible Belt."

"How fascinating! I wish you well on your quest! And thanks for
complimenting my mouth. I use No-Tongue-Before Toothpaste! It keeps
all of my teeth sparkly white!"

"Could you people all shut up?!" shouted Occultism Kid. "Thank you.
Now, where was I..." He looked at the circle of trenchcoaters that was
surrounding him. There was his fellow LNH'r Kid Anaraky who was holding
his Claymore in the same hand that was also holding the Dvandom
Stranger's hand. The Dvandom Stanger held his Editorial Staff in the
same hand that he used to hold Lady 58.5's hand. Lady 58.5 held the
Half-Trenchcoater's hand that had a half of what looked like the
Ultimate Savior's Holy Hoop in it. And the Half-Trenchcoater held
Occultism Kid's mentor's hand: The August One. Who held Kid Anarky's
hand completing the circle.

Occultism Kid emptied the burlap sack filled with cosmic items onto the
floor. Right into the center of the jello pentagram. The Cosmic Plot
Device. The Ring of Retconn. The Insanity Gauntlet. And the Book of
Deus ex Machinas.

Here he was. Surrounded by 57.5 Trenchcoaters. A room containing 58.5
power mystical items. On the 58.5 Sub-Sub Basement of the LNHHQ. It
was all ready.

And then a song began to play. It was that stupid jukebox. He had
thought they had turned it off. Of course they had turned it off.
There was something else here with them. Some Force. And based on the
Force's taste in music, Queen's 'Another One Bite's the Dust,' it
probably wasn't wishing them success.

Of course it made sense that the Bryttle Brother's would send more than
just three cultists to try and stop them. But there wasn't anything he
could do at this point to stop it. In its own way the spell had already
begun -- and to halt it now would have disastrous consequences for
everyone in this room.

Just needed to get it finished as quickly as possible. Ignore the
music. Open the book. The Book of Deus ex Machinas.

And he opened it. And a flash of light poured out of it. He flipped
the pages and he could start to feel the room spin. Page 58 and 59. It
should be there. Where was it? There. He could see it in between 58
and 59. Half a page. He began to pull it out. There it was.

The Spell of Spells. The room began to shake.

And then...


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Outside the LNHHQ --

A number of supervillains just stood near the crater and kind of looked
into it. And then something began to crawl out of it. It was a very
singed and smoking Mynabird. And he looked at them all.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you waiting here like a bunch
of idiots?!!!" shouted Mynabird. "Kill them!! KILL THEM ALL!!!!!!!!
ATTACK!!!!!!"

And after he had said that, a huge tsunami of villains rushed towards
the LNHHQ (including a number of whom that stampeded right over Mynabird).


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The Command Center in the Mynabird Suits Head --

Easily-Discovered Bran Mite looked uneasily at the massive computer wall
that was about to fall on top of him. As everything in the Command
Center began to crash down upon him, he quickled crawled under his desk.

A few minutes later, crawling out of the wreckage of his command center
-- Easily-Discovered Bran Mite began inspecting the equipment. "Okay.
I probably should have added -- Please don't stampede over me! But
regardless, I'm still here. I'm still alive! Next issue, Lite. NEXT
ISSUE!!!!!!!!! Muhaahahahahahahahahahahhahahah!!!!!!!!!!"


**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****


NEXT: Ragnarock, Ragnapaper, and Ragnascissors!


**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****


Credits:


Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Thanks to Andrew Perron and Rob Rogers for their comments on the LNH
Author's Group.

Designer Jeans gag -- Andrew Perron
(also it should be noted that the Bad Handwriting Lad gag from BM #5 --
Rob Rogers is responsible for that)

Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...


LNH'rs

All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman - wReam
Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Bad Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cheesecake Eater Lad - Matthew Jotham Millheiser.
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Easily-Discovered Man and Lite - Rob Rogers
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Nit-Pick Lad - ???
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Parking Karma Kid - Steve Simmons
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Sarcastic Lad - Saint
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Wikiboy - Tom Russell
Ordinary Lady - Martin Phipps
Sister-State-the-Obvious - wReam
Sing-Along Lass - Drizzt
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Mouse - Jaelle
Door Warden - Josh Geurink
Master Blaster
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Hell Catalyst - Jeff McCoskey
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
New Look Lass - Charles Fitzerald
wReamhack - wReam
Self-Righteous Preacher - wReam
Zookeeper Lady - Arthur Spitzer
Coward Lad - Tom Russell

LNFL:

Hellary Clinton - Martin Phipps
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Mr. Kid Homage - Arthur Spitzer
Mynabird suit (Rob Rogers)
Mite (Arthur Spitzer)
Thread Bear - Timothy Toner
Vector Sublime - Rogers/Spitzer
Vector Crime - Rogers/Spitzer
Dr. Incredibly-Indifferent-to-the-LNH - Arthur Spitzer
Londonbroil - Rob Rogers
Solid Gold Dancers - Badger

Trenchcoaters:

Cockroach Las Vegas - Arthur Spitzer
Net.Thing - Glenn Carnagey
Lady 58.5 - Arthur Spitzer
Simon Velcro - Tom Russell
Bacchus - Paul Hardy
Deadheadman - Dean Tangri
Jellomancer - Timothy Toner
Ring Job - Arthur Spitzer
Dvandom Stranger - Dave Van Domelen
Half-Trenchcoater - Arthur Spitzer
Bible Thumper - Arthur Spitzer

PTB - Arthur Spitzer

Ducktor Deadbeak
Withwhale
Elrock
Jellomanatee
Lady Bug JC
Trump Face
Pet.Thing
DeadheadDog
Flea-Vandom Stranger

Others:

LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front - Arthur Spitzer
August One - August Paul Yang
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions - Tarq
LNH Robot Duplication Machine - Arthur Spitzer

Writer's Notes:

For those who are confused by this...

http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/List_of_Infinite_Leadership_Crisis_Stories
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight

Probably won't help.

So if Beige Midnight were an Allegory of our 911-War on Terror World
then I suppose Mynabird would be Dubya (with Hex Luthor being Dick
Cheney, Bart -- Osama bin Laden, The Beige Clocktower - 911, The Bryttle
Brothers - The specter of another terrorist attack, Mr. Homage - John
McCain, Vector Sublime - Condi Rice, Irony Man - Joe Lieberman, Mr.
Tiddles - Tony Blair, EDM Lite - Al Franken, Fearless Leader - Howard
Dean, Knife Fight Dude - Keith Olbermann, Amnesia - FOX News, Ripping
Dancer - umm Colin Powell?,
Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over
Lad - Oh I give up.)

Fortunately, it's not an allegory (I mean if it was then EDM Lite would
be Saddam Hussein not Al Franken -- and his spatula would be Weapons of
Mass Destruction)

But seriously, so this only took like two months to write as opposed to
the year it normally takes. Hopefully, I can get next one done before
July ends.

The Vector Sublime clones are Free Use (unless Rob wants to own one of
them). I never intended for Vector Sublime to exist before Beige
Countdown (or after Beige Midnight). Although to be honest I don't have
a clue where she is at the moment.

The surviving trenchcoaters and pet trenchcoaters that I created will
also be Free Use.

Oh, and I have nothing against Hillary Clinton -- that was just a clone
-- and probably a clone of a clone. I'm sure Hillary and Hellary are
perfectly fine.

What else? Had something -- but I can't think of what it is. Oh well.

Arthur "Now off to vacation..." Spitzer


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