-*| A Christmas of Consequence |*-
Eviction from the Legion of Net.Heroes was not the worst thing that had
happened to Special Bonding Boy, but it felt like it. The hatred and pain
that Ultimate Ninja had managed to stir up since SBB had come, made it even
harder for SBB to leave, but rules were rules. Cheesecake Eater Lad had
told him about the combat test, so it must have been true. It was just
that SBB felt that the greatest good could come from his serving his
friends that served and protected his world. That was the rationale, after
helping the heroes, how could he hope to find something that matched the
great joy and good? Well at least it was Christmas, right?
It was Xmas in Net.tropolis. The wireframe Xmas santas and
wreaths, entwined with multicolored lights, blinked hollowly. Special
Bonding Boy simply wandered the streets, trying to find something that
would give him joy. It was the time of giving and receiving, but all SBB
could hear were conversations of "What do you want for Xmas? What do
you think you will get for Xmas? I hope I get, I want, I think that
my presents will be the best that so and so gets for this season."
Each QuickoBurger(TM) joint had their santa on the street corner. In a
brighter time, it would have been humorous to observe the different shapes
and sizes of Santa. None of them fit the image of Santa. None of them
knew what it meant to give, all they wanted was that special Xmas
bonus! It might not had been so bad, but Special Bonding Boy's empathic
powers only confirmed his suspicions, that the people on the street were as
hollow as the blinking lights. Cold and insincere, each selfishly wanting
to make the greatest haul at Xmas time.
Special Bonding Boy floated with the crowds of people, until he
found himself in the Net.Tropolis Mall. He sat on a bench trying to push
out the feelings of selfishness emanating from the frantic shoppers. It
didn't help that two women were fighting over the last Baby Barfup(TM).
Kids drooled and pressed their faces against the toy shop's main display
window. On the other side of the glass was the latest display of Kaptain
Karnage(TM) and the Killer Squad(TM). The war torn window battle ground
display was called "Assault on Bethlehem". The kids spoke in a high
"Kaptain Karnage is the greatest, I want his Malibu Surfing figure."
"I already have that one! It comes with a harpoon gun so you can shoot
Dolly the Docile Dolphin!"
"Yeah!? That is soo cool. Do you have Kaptain Karnage's Pollution
Palace? Yeah it oozes slime!"
"Mommy got mad at me when I left the slime on the carpet... it ate a
big hole in the floor."
"Mom's don't are no fun!"
"I like the slime, it makes me feel all woozy and funny in my head!"
"Yeah! Kill KILL KILL!! Kill with Karnage!" The kids sang the Kaptain
Karnage theme song, as if it were a Xmas carol.
"So what is Bethel-ham?" One of the kids pointed to the display at the
big word, "Bethlehem".
"Oh I think it is a Cuban Missile base!"
"No it is where those Commy Iraqis hid all their nuclear bombs!"
"Oh yeah! That explains why it is an Xmas display, huh?"
Special Bonding Boy's eyes welled with tears. What is happening to
mankind? Suddenly SBB perked up, he had not intervened, or even helped
explain to those kids the true meaning of Christmas! The Gift of all
Gifts! The season's meaning and inspiration. SBB realized he was as
guilty as all those others. He had drawn into himself, instead of
emanating his light and love to others. IT WAS CHRISTMAS! A warm glow
came over SBB, so noticeable that some of the shoppers stopped their
bustling for a moment and looked about in confusion, as if they had felt
something special, but knew not from whence it came.
SBB turned to the window where the kids had been jabbering, but they
were gone. Where had they gone? Suddenly he caught a glimpse of one of
the kid's bright Deathmetal Doug(TM) Tshirt. The boy tugged on the sleeve
of a worn out and very pregnant woman, protesting and pointing back at the
toy store he made a fuss that caused all the more "sophisticated" shoppers
turn their heads in shame and embarrassment. My kid would NEVER do that,
poor woman can't keep control of her own children, ever heard of birth
control?, I hate bratty kids, were the thoughts that echoed in the minds
of the passing people. Suddenly the boy passed a line of children, waiting
to get their photo with Santa. His attention caught a picture of candy
canes, and in an instant panic, he screamed and pointed at the Santa booth.
The tired mother retired to a bench and relinquished the little
devilchild to fight his way in line. Santa was late, which only caused the
little Damien to try to budge in line. The kid had learned budging tactics
very well, he managed to trick 3/4ths of the people to let him go before
him, until one short perky mother grabbed him by the ear and said, "YOU
WILL WAIT HERE." The child sassed and tormented the mother relentlessly,
to provide his entertainment as he waited in the line. The other mother
being sly, walked over to the devil child's mother and began to speak
pleasantly. The Devil child watched in horror, the one thing he couldn't
counter, was familiarity with the devil child's superiors. The mother soon
came back smiling satisfied at the little devil child.
"Your mother says, that if you don't behave I get to swat you."
The devil child gulped nervously. The mother turned about to see why
Santa had still not appeared, and the devil child made faces at the mother,
but that soon got old since the mother ignored him. So he got a plastic
bag from his pocket and began to suck on it until it made a loud popping
sound. This was a great amusement, and bothered the living daylights out
of most of the people in the line.
Special Bonding Boy went to find the Mall's Santa since most of the
people were getting quite impatient and Santa was supposed to appear.
In the shack attatched to the Northpole facade, a bald sweaty man with a
thick black mustache, paced over a thin faced groaning man in a stuffed
body suit. The bald man was not happy.
"You have to go on! I don't care if you have the stomach flu, I hired
you to do be Santa, and you cannot back out now! Tom I need a SANTA!"
"Stan, I can hardly move." Tom groaned in pain. Suddenly he erked, and
ran for the bathroom. He drooped on his knees over a white porcelain
toilet and dry heaved.
"See! You CAN move!" Stan protested nervously looking at his watch.
"Uahwuuuuuhl" Came Tom from the bathroom.
Special Bonding Boy entered the back room and smiled. "Hi, I can't help
but notice you need a Santa. Can I be him?"
Stan suddenly became a shrewd employer. "What do you know of being
Santa? Can you laugh?"
"Just hire hiiuuulllgh" Tom said from the bathroom.
SBB let out a boisterous and hearty "HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!" The
kids waiting in the line suddenly burst into a frenzy of antecipation, as
they all turned to their mommies, explaining how they could hear santa.
Stan, hearing the clamour of the children's delight, smiled and opened
a closet stuffed with red and white clothing. "Here, put these on, you
are supposed to be out ten minutes ago."
In a flash Special Bonding Boy donned the padding and Red silk costume
of Santa Claus. The cheap white batting on the collar and sleeves shedded,
causing SBB to sneeze. Stan nervously paced and recited the instructions
"Remember to compliment all the kids on how good they have been." Stan
began teething on his pen.
"We will talk with the parents and get their names and you can act as
if you knew their names all along. The teleprompter is concealed behind
the winter curtain." Pointing to the screen.
"And if the kids were bad?" Special Bonding Boy asked.
"Kids!? Bad!? Don't even think it! Every kid is good, LIE TO THEM if
you have to! That is what their parents are buying us for!"
"I don't care if you want to improvise a bit but every kid is good,
ask them what they want and then give them one of these candy canes."
"...ok..." Special Bonding Santa took the box of candy canes and
straightened his cap.
"Agh! my neck, where is my Bent-Gay Menthol rub!?" Stan rubbed his neck
"Here it is." the tube had fallen into the candy canes. Picking up the
Bent-Gay tube, sbb didn't realize the cap was off, and squeezed a ample
serving all over three candy canes.
Handing the tube to Stan, SBB started to put the box down to remove the
three extra mentholated candy canes when Stan exploded, "EGADS! That is a
camera crew out there! AGH! I forgot about the 6 oclock news!! They are
coming to film this!! GET OUT THERE!"
Santa stumbled out of his northpole cottage and floodlights focused on
Special bonding santa. A well dressed woman stood in front of the lights
and started announcing the arrival of santa, in a very professional news
"We are here at the north pole in Net.Tropolis Mall, where emerging
from his great Xmas mansion is a very special individual. He makes
this season so special, doesn't he kids." The news announcer woman pointed
condescendingly to the children, who all panted and acted like trained
"YEAH!" piped the children.
"Here all your wants are fulfilled! By the father of XMAS! Who is this
season all about!?" the news woman pointed her microphone to the children
and commanded them to bark.
"SANTA!" the children shouted.
"That is right, it is Santa!"
"Ho ho ho ho." flashed across the teleprompter. Seeing it SBBSanta
proceeded to laugh. "HO HO HO HO HO!! Merry Christmas!"
Beckoning to the first little girl in the line, he sat on his throne,
and slapped his knee. The girl just stood next to him. Santa went to hug
the little girl when suddenly one of Santa's elf helpers grabbed him aside
and said, "Just a moment I have urgent news for Santa!"
The two retreated behind a curtain and the elf helper tried to express
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Santa's helper whispered frantically.
"I was going to hug the kid, sit her on my lap."
"You fool! You want a lawsuit!? In front of the cameras no less!?"
"What? Lawsuit for what?"
"Child molestation! Where have you been for the past decade!?"
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Shake their hand, ask them what they want, turn and smile to the
camera and give them a candy cane." The elf said methodically.
"ok." SBBSanta said more confused and disgusted than worried about a
scandal. This wasn't the Christmas he remembered. It was missing
Suddenly the news woman came on to "help" santa by asking what he
should have been saying. "Hi little girl, you look like you have been
good, what do you want for Xmas?" The news woman glared at Santa like she
was quite put out that she had to do his job.
"I want a Baby Pooperpants(TM)! And a Barby's Plastic Surgery
Salon(TM), and a MuggerMace Polly-Prepared Survival Purse(TM), and
Barknuckle the Violet Dinosaur(TM) CD, and a Squintendo(TM) game... and...
and... and... and... and... and..."
"That is nice, here is your candy cane!" The announcer woman spun the
child in front of the camera and shoved her against Santa's arm chair. A
flash of cameras and the girl stumbled off the stage with a piece of
Santa stood quite bewildered. But the newswoman turned and pushed
santa into his chair. "Ok let's let Santa work his special Xmas Magic!"
She growled at Santa under her breath, "Don't mess this up, this could get
me a Pul.Net.zer Prize!"
Next was a little boy, seeing Santa was back the little boy started
screaming. Her mother and father were both there embarrased. "No NO! That
is Him! The one! Homewrecker!"
"No honey that was just daddy in the santa suit!" The woman hovering
over the convulsing child said, trying to calm him down.
"I thought that stupid Therapist said that Ricky was over this whole
mess!? I mean you and your kinky fantasies! And the mistletoe!" yelled
the man SBB deduced to be "DADDY" in utter disgust.
"Me?!" the woman stood forgetting her screaming child. " It was you
that got out the reindeer whip and decided you needed to spice up our love
life! I only agreed to wear the antlers because you said that Ricky would
"How was I supposed to know he was hiding!? If anything it is his own
fault! Your child is a pansie!! DO you have any idea how much it costs for
those egghead therapy sessions!?"
"My Child!? You were the one that handcuffed me and..."
Then suddenly realizing that the cameras were all focused on them
the three dysfunctionals retreated from the glare of the camera lights.
One newsman dropped an overhead microphone and and chased after the
family, "How much do you want for the rights of your story!?"
SBBSanta and the other cameras turned to the next child. It was
another little boy. He walked up to the stand shyly and shook santa's
hand. SBB tried to strike up a conversation, "well, little ..." glancing
at the teleprompter the word "Daniel" was flashing on it. "Daniel, what
would you like for Christmas?"
"I would like, ummm, no, umm, no, ummm a big, ummm, errr, ummm" little
Daniel studdered on for about two or three minutes.
"How about a ball?" SBBSanta finally suggested.
"Uh what?" Daniel said.
"You know honey, a ball, oh gee that is probably a word he hasn't
learned very well, it is so 'plain'" Daniel's mother spoke up. "Honey a
ball is like a Vammo-Whang doohicky Fingitz (TM) only it doesn't have
the rocket engines, or the fins, or the pads, or the shock resistant
"ugh... here's your candy cane kid." SBB was getting quite annoyed with
Net.tropolis' interpretation of Christmas.
Next was the evil brat child. His pregnant mother, seeing it was his
turn had managed to hoist herself up and tried to control the little demon
a bit. SBB looked at the teleprompter for his name, betting it would be
something like "Lucifer, Satan, Demonspawn or Damien" but no, it was Bobbi.
"Well Bobbi! Come on up here! Ho Ho ho ho." SBB said reluctantly.
"My turn, mom! Let me go!" Bobbi elbowed his mom in her swelled
stomach. She groaned and released him.
"Don't run." she futily warned.
It was too late Bobbi had already been up to Santa and began to kick
Santa, and chanted "You're not the real santa! Your beard is fake! Santa
Never before did SBB want to hit a child, but if the temptation had
ever entered SBB's heart it was now. Instead, with great restraint, he
reached out his hand and rested it on Bobbi's head. Holding him at arm's
length, and applying enough pressure that if Bobbi were to try to squirm he
would go tumbling to the ground, SBB managed to restrain the child.
"So Bobbi, What did you GIVE for Christmas?"
Bobbi was confused, as was some of the news media. "Give? What is
that!? I want Kaptain Karnage and the Killer Squad!"
"I didn't ask you want you wanted, I asked what you gave for
"Nothing, I want Karnage!" Bobbi said like a programmed tv comercial.
"You didn't even give your mom anything?" SBB looked to his very tired
and pale mother. She was not looking good.
"No. This sucks! I want my candy cane!"
SBB managed to keep Bobbi restrained for a bit more, long enough to
say, "You don't sound like you were a good boy! That means you will get
NOTHING for Christmas."
"OH SHUTUP STUPID SANTA!" Bobbi grabbed at SBB's white beard but SBB
dodged. As a result he lost his grasp and Bobbi grabbed a fist full of
oozing peppermint candy canes.
"Hey only one!" Yelled one of Santa's helpers as the Camera went off,
capturing the entire fiasco. Bobbi swam like a fish through the crowds,
leaving the helpers to wonder where the little brat had escaped to.
Special Bonding Boy had seen enough, no one here had a clue, and so it
was time that SBB enlightened them.
"People of Net.Tropolis, you do not understand what Christmas is all
about!? It isn't about getting gifts! It is about giving! In particular
it is about the Son of G>BEEP<d coming to earth and giving his life as the
greatest gift!" The audio censor managed to beep out the forbidden G
word. He anxiously held his finger over the censor button.
"It is Chr>BEEP<st's Birthday! We should look to his teachings and
follow his loving example! All this comercialism is killing us!" SBB
pleaded but most of the people stared blankly. A few left, and others
laughed, and told jokes about Rudolf.
Suddenly SBB was upstaged by cries of pain. Bobbi's mother had gone
into labor. People formed a ring about her, most of the children started
pointing and asking questions. Many mothers covered their children's eyes
and dragged them to the parking lot. The teenage boys claimed they wanted
to witness the miracle of birth, or something like that. SBB rushed to a
phone and called an ambulance, knowing that she probably still had some
time to go. Stan ran around the crowd biting his pen and squabbling as if
SBB returned calmly and approached Bobbi's mother. Pulling down
his fake beard he said soothingly. "Just breath calmly, you will be ok."
Bobbi's mother was calm under the intoxicating powers of SBB's voice. Some
of the crowd wavered like a chorus of drunks.
Suddenly the ambulance was outside, the siren pierced SBB's calming
words, and one of the members of the crowd suddenly realized that SBB was a
net.hero. "You are one of those LNH Hero types!! You are trying to
control our minds!" He screamed in alarm.
SBB losing concentration, sent the crowd screaming in fear. Bobbi's
mom, didn't cry out, though. She knew he was good, and tried to speak amid
the excruciating difficulty.
"Please, find Bobbi. My name is Laura Melnorme, bring him to me in the
hospital, please. He has no father." Laura winced in pain as the
ambulance men hoisted her onto a stretcher and wheeled her off to the exit.
The farther she got from SBB the more the pain returned.
Removing his Costume in the back room, SBB put his normal clothes on.
As he was leaving to go search for Bobbi, he was met by Stan. Stan
moved put his hands into his pocket and pulled out a wad of bills. "Here,
some of this is yours. The news people were so excited about the whole
story that they paid me extremely well. Hee hee hee."
"Really I don't want any." SBB Protested.
"But surely you have some rent or something to pay, this could give you
enough to live for a year!" Stan said in disbeleif.
"I guess I could find some good cause to invest it in." SBB smiled,
taking the money he headed towards the toy shop.
"Oh and thankyou." Stan said warmly. "I had forgotten my fond
memories of a real Christmas. I just want to thank you for helping."
"Thankyou for accepting what is in your heart." Special Bonding Boy
said most excitedly.
Suddenly the Christmas season meant more. Perhaps there was hope.
Bobbi wasn't in the toy shop. Nor was he hanging out around the girly
calendar section of the book store, with all the drooling high school kids.
Suddenly SBB scanned a familiar empathic impression, from behind one of the
back book shelves. Turning the corner, was Bobbi looking at a big book
labeled, "The Holy Bible picture Book." Looking up at SBB, Bobbi smiled
and said, "You know, this story is pretty good!"
"I didn't think you were listening." SBB said placing his hand on
Bobbi looked up at the hand, the eyes, the face. "Santa?"
"Call me Special Bonding Boy, or SBB. I was a member of the Legion of
Net.Heroes." SBB said brightly.
"Wow! the Legion of Net.Heroes! That is NEAT!" Bobbi piped up. "So
you were right about Christmas! It really is a birthday celebration."
"Yeah, it is something most people are trying to forget, these days."
"Why?" Bobbi said genuinely interested.
"Well Bobbi, I think it has to do with a lack of understanding. People
keep thinking they are so smart that they don't need a soul. So they turn
off something deep within themselves. They forget the good feelings and
turn in to themselves."
"uh, I have been bad. I don't deserve a Christmas." Bobbi said sadly.
"You have been bad. You don't deserve to get lots of presents from
Santa. But you see Christmas is about forgiving as well as giving. If you
can be good, all your difficulties will be forgotten and you can enjoy a
"yeah?" Bobbi looked about, suddenly realizing his Mom hadn't found
him. She usually did within minutes.
"Your Mom isn't here any more. She is at the hospital. She is having
her baby. You see. Your mom, loves you so much she decided to give you a
present even though you don't deserve it. A little sister."
"Hospital? Sister?" Bobbi's eyes widened.
"Don't worry, I will take you to her." SBB grabbed ahold of Bobbi's
hand and they exited the mall. Some time later, both Bobbi and SBB arrived
at the hospital. Bobbi wasn't really an evil child, all his life he had
been given everything he wanted from his father. His father one day left.
Bobbi wanted to be like his father but with no one around, it was hard.
The pain that he had deep within for the loss of his father, only made it
harder to live, when all his friend's fathers continued to pour gifts on
them. SBB talked carefully with Bobbi and helped him realize why he felt
the way he did.
Laura lay in a hospital bed, her eyes are puffy and red, she mentally
flogged herself thinking of how poor a mother she was, too frequently she
had not had the money to give Bobbi what he had deserved. Now with the
baby here, there was no money. How would she pay for the hospital stay?
And where was Bobbi? Had he gone for good. When all seemed darkest, the
lights went on. The door pushed open and around the door popped the head
of Bobbi and SBB. Laura's face lit like a lamp. Tears streamed down her
face as she embraced her child. SBB smiled and warmed the room with his
powers. Then Laura tried to break her sad news to her son.
"Bobbi, we are not doing well. We have no money." Laura said sadly.
"We can barely afford to live, and now I am afraid, with the baby, there
will be no Xmas."
"But Mommy, you have given me enough! My sister! And I have you. I
have not been good to have presents!" Bobbi said sincerely.
"Oh my precious child." Laura wept at the miracle that had come over
her child. Then peering up to SBB, who was backing out of the room.
"Thankyou, if you ever need anything, kind sir, please don't hesitate to
"You have already given me what I need to continue." SBB said
tenderly. "I know now what I must do."
"Thankyou for this Christmas miracle." She repeated as SBB slipped out
of the room and down the hall.
A child born to a very poor woman, on Christmas? It was truly a time
for new life, and new beginnings.
As SBB walked from the hospital, a door opened behind him and the
scampering of little feet turned SBB's head to behold Bobbi. He stood
smiling and said, "Ummm Special Santa, thanks. I will take good care of my
mommy now and the Christmas baby! Here." Bobbi held out a peppermint candy
cane and said, "Sorry, I took them all, this is my present to you."
They were a bit sticky being in Bobbi's pocket, and SBB took them knowing
how much they would mean to him in the coming days. It was a real gift, so
he accepted it, not especially because he wanted them, but because Bobbi
was learning to give!
Bobbi ran back into the hospital room where his mother lay. SBB
continued to the head of the maternity ward.
A nurse at the desk of the maternity ward stared at the color TV that
was blaring an alarming story of a mad hero terrorizing people at the mall
and how children were being terrorized by silly Xmas babblings.
"Ahem. Laura Melnorme's doctor bill. Who is paying for it?" SBB said
trying to break the large nurse away from the sensational story.
"Uh she hasn't the funds to cover it, so we will be suing her... Normal
practice. She will probably be in debt for about the rest of her life
with our loan interest. Even with the subsidies that the government is
giving. Poor darling." the nurse mumbled watching the story more intently,
when talk of the hero's abduction of a pregnant woman flashes on the screen.
"Please apply this to her bill." SBB withdrew a handful of bills and
placed it on the counter. The nurse mumbled an ok and continued watching
until it was over and a comercial for the Solostretch(TM) workout machine
came on. By that time SBB had slipped out and the nurse looking at the
pile of bills yelled out to the lobby, "Sir? THis is way too much money!"
Then discovering a note among the bills, "Please wish Laura and Bobbi a
Merry Christmas with this gift! --SBB SANTA"
Outside the hospital SBB headed for his apartment. Grabbing a Candy
cane he took a lick. Suddenly a hot sensation of liquid fire,
menthol/peppermint. "AAAGH!!!" SBB choked! He had never eaten straight
Bent-Gay covered peppermint before, but needless to say, it was a very
powerful sensation. From a hospital window, a child giggled mischieviously.
The feelings of the christmas eve day was powerful, there was hope for
mankind. If only they could find the meaning. People are good, determined
SBB, they just need a little reminder, on occasion...
The feeling warmed his heart, as he gazed at the dark horizon that was
his future. The feeling warmed his esophaugus, his throat, his mouth,
his... or was that the menthol muscle creme? :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! MAY
THIS YEAR BE YOUR VERY BEST!! (so far! :)
Ok so some of you pagans out there might be offended by the somewhat religious
undertone of SBB#3, but if you are, I say, "DEAL WITH IT!" After all Christmas
is a religious holiday and I was in the mood of Christmas... Ok so maybe that
wasn't the best attitude, but hey, I don't think I was too preachy...
(of course I am the creator of Self-Righteous Preacher, so I have
Anyhow, SBB#3 has it's funny moments too and if you are clever you will notice
I did something a bit hidden in the way I wrote this... Maybe you will notice
and maybe you won't... I dunno...
Anyhow I sincerely wish everyone a great holiday and new year! So have a good
one!! OK? (You too Dave!)