LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #50.6pi

[Drew Nilium]

#50.6pi

"What? No!" said Tara. "You can't--you can't just throw your life away for me.
We're *all* coming back, right?"

"Yeah!" said Merissa. "You think we're giving up now?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "I am not throwing my life away, I am following
the course it's taken for a long time. Magic is the manipulation of Drama.
Nothing more, nothing less. And the flow of drama requires that I follow this
path. Merissa--you have perhaps the strongest innate connection to Drama of any
LNHer. You can feel it, can't you?"

Merissa looked down and to the side. "...yeah."

"Then there you have it." He looked Tara in the eye. "You're starting a new
chapter of your story, Tara. You and Cat. But the last chapter of my story
ended by remaking the multiverse. I've been trying to keep going from there,
and training my apprentice has been rewarding... but I've been ready to move
forward, and I can't. I'm stuck. So maybe this is for the best."

"...I can't accept it," said Tara. "But I guess I can understand."

"That's good enough," said Occultism Kid. He turned to Kid Occultism Kid. "I'm
sorry to be leaving this way."

Kid Occultism Kid nodded, somberly, holding their gaze on Occultism Kid so it
couldn't break. "I understand why you have to do this, that it is part of your
fate, and I will not try to stop you. But..." Their skin flushed and their
pupils dilated. "I do wish we would have had more time together. You are a good
mentor, and a good friend, and..."

Occultism Kid waited for his apprentice's rushing thoughts to slow, taking them
in in these last moments.

They let out a breath. "Well, if I cannot say it now, when can I say it? ...I
fear I may become lost without your guidance."

He smiled. "I was just thinking, yesterday, that I wasn't ready to retire,
because you weren't ready to take my place... but I realized I was wrong, had
been wrong, the moment you beckoned us on this journey. You are arrogant and
you are pushy and you are flashy and loud beyond the point where it's cute...
and you are wise, perspicacious, ingenious and daring. You are ready to step
beyond my guidance, into mutual counsel with your peers. You are, once more,
Occultism Kid."

Finally, they dropped their gaze, as their eyes began to shimmer with the
suggestion of tears; they reached out and clasped his hand and returned his
smile. "Then go with grace and speed, never looking back. Thank you for
everything, David."

"...his name is David?" whispered WikiBoy. Merissa, Tara, and Cat all shrugged.

Occultism Kid squeezed his apprentice's hand, and then let go. He walked to the
center of the stage, and stood, waiting.

"Remember," the RACCelestial Madonna whispered to Catalyst Lass, "you'll have a
price to pay too. If you get closer to her when this is all over--and you
will--at some point, she'll know about the life you had before. About--" [A
plot dangler that's been around since Particle Man #21--Footnote Girl, not this
again]

Cat nodded silently. "I know. She's worth it."

"Then we shall begin."

VAMMO Woman stood on the right side of Occultism Kid, and Ending on the left.
They each took one of his hands. The lights in the theater begin to dim. A
silver nimbus of light began to grow around Occultism Kid. There was, quite
literally, magic in the air. Deep, powerful, catastrophic, like that which he'd
tasted at the climax of Beige Midnight, the act of creation and creativity that
had taken so much from him. He could feel the physical pressure of the Drama in
the air.

"This kind of thing is the exact reason I never joined the NTB," Occultism Kid
muttered to himself. "Ah well."

Ending squeezed his hand. "It'll be OK," she said.

"'Be not afraid,'" said Occultism Kid. "I know that one. I am afraid, a
little--of stepping away from all that responsibility, even though I'm well
aware I need to."

"Don't worry," said Ending. "There'll be others who follow your footsteps. And
the other's, too."

"The--oh never mind. Well, I know. Bearing that weight has defined who I am for
so long. I don't know who I'd be without it."

"Then let yourself find out," said said VAMMO Woman. "Open yourself up to the
Astral Plane..."

"...the place of beginnings," said Ending.

And indeed there was a mist that had entered the room, and a thick gathering of
stars that shone within that mist--a common manifestation of the Astral Plane,
the primal aether from which all worlds were born.. It shone bright with the
energy of endless possibility.

"Oooh, shiny," whispered Merissa.

Ending took his right lapel, and VAMMO Woman his left; and like a caterpillar
leaving its skin, Occultism Kid shed his trenchcoat. As he did, the shape of
his soul was exposed in the bright stage lights, and he felt a strange shiver
run thru him, of a vulnerability he had not known for a long time.

But he was far from done. He stepped out of his shoes, pulled off his shirt,
let his pants fall to the floor; Cat and WikiBoy looked away, and Merissa
giggled quietly. He took off his socks and his boxers, the mist of the Astral
Plane growing thicker and keeping the scene PG-13, but he was still not done.
VAMMO Woman took his left hand, and Ending his right; and they pulled.

He felt layers of pain slipping away, the tiredness that had blanketed his body
since Neme.sys, the sleepless anxiety that had lay beneath his mind since the
Book of Deus Ex Machinas, the aching sadness that had seeped into his soul
since the Legion of Occult Heroes' world rotted away. The long, heavy weight of
the spell he'd cast to end the story of Beige Midnight, exhausting him utterly.
Now that weight had lifted. That story was long over, and a new one could begin.

"OK," whispered Tara, "can someone tell me what the Hell(tm) is happening?"

"I thought Hell(tm) was a Superguy thing," said Cat.

Occultism Kid's skin, his human body, slid open, to reveal his astral form; but
that form reached within itself, and pulled, the pattern of beingness peeling
away bit by bit, undoing itself.

"He's... he's transforming into astral matter," said WikiBoy. "Like Dot, in
Constellation back in the day. That was a good series."

The bodiless sensation was like pain and satisfaction and humiliation and glory
all at once. Occultism Kid could feel his apprentice watching, and wondered if
this was what rebirth had been like for them; but he knew that it was different
each time you passed thru. His self-image, the layers of formality, peeled
away, one by one, each layer dissolving into astral mist, until what was left
was a speck of light that twinkled like a star, shining thru the thick fog.

VAMMO Woman and Ending stepped back, letting the star shine. "Now," said VAMMO
Woman, "you must find the spirit that dances with yours. The being in the world
that you most vibe with."

"...really?" muttered Merissa.

The point of shimmering beingness that had been Occultism Kid opened up, the
light-beyond-light of the Astral Plane shining thru him. He could see the lives
that had touched his... the billions, trillions, of softly shining threads
connecting him to the Deep Omnilooniverse... the brighter, warmer threads
connecting him to his friends and allies, the cool, fluorescent ones connecting
him to his enemies, the complex tertiary colors linking him to people like
Doctor Stomper and GrimSloth... and one that shone past any of them,
representing a unique connection, stronger than any romantic feeling that had
ever chanced across his mind.

He pulled on the thread, pulling whatever was on the other end towards him; or
maybe he was being pulled towards it. The silvery light shifted and swirled,
spreading across the stage; and in a flash, a ring of silvery liquid appeared,
with a cube in the middle, connected to it by long, silvery strands.

"...the heck is that?" said Token Girl.

The spirit his dances with... "It's Obscure Trivia Lad," said Kid Occultism Kid.

Merissa made a face like you've never seen.

VAMMO Woman reached out her hands, and gathered the liquid metal into a sphere;
Ending reached in and pulled the cube out, Occultism Kid's shining astral light
pouring life into the platonic form.

Letting the sphere float into the air, the cosmic women took Occultism Kid's
shed skin and folded it into an origami lotus blossom. The sphere dropped into
the center of the blossom, and the folds collapsed around it, wrapping the
liquid self under layers of humanity, the folded shape curling in on itself
until it turned inside-out, becoming the shape of a person coated in silver.

The shape moved on its own, complex motions in a circuit around Occultism Kid,
illuminated by the silvery light of the Astral Plane. Metal danced and shifted
and became flesh once more, filling in the details of the form of Obscure
Trivia Lad. And he opened his eyes.

"What...?"

"Obscure Trivia Lad," intoned VAMMO Woman. "You have been brought here to make
a choice. Your flesh has been restored to you."

"Obscure Trivia Lad is confused." He frowned. "Obscure Trivia Lad is still
speaking in third person?"

"Guess so," said Ending.

"You have the choice," intoned VAMMO Woman a bit harder, side-eyeing Ending,
"to return to Earth in this state, and live life freely, or to join with
Occultism Kid, and travel together, far, far away, to where you are needed,
perhaps never to--"

"Join," said Obscure Trivia Lad firmly. "If Occultism Kid and Obscure Trivia
Lad are specifically needed, that's where they should be."

"That was quick indeed," noted the Black Halo.

"And... Obscure Trivia Lad could use a vacation from the Looniverse, after the
day he's had."

"Aha."

"Then it is done." VAMMO Woman spread her hands, and Ending reached out and
cupped the point of light that had been Occultism Kid, and nudged it forward
gently. Obscure Trivia Lad's eyes fluttered and he gasped as Occultism Kid
entered his body.

Merissa looked like she was *heroically* holding back from making a comment.

Obscure Trivia Lad became translucent to Occultism Kid's light, shining thru
his form, casting shadows thru the theater as the mist obscured and then
revealed it. The dance of light and shadow, metal and flesh, passed over the
heroes, and they were changed. Everyone saw the things that had been hidden
from them. Black Halo saw their place in the narrative. WikiBoy saw his
strength; Merissa saw her weaknesses, the things that made her human, and for
this one moment did not fear them.

And Cat and Tara saw each other, more clearly than they ever had before. They
each saw the love in the other that burned so bright yet was hidden so deep. It
illuminated every feature, every line in their body, making each more beautiful
in the other's eyes than they'd ever been. They too, felt a weight taken off
them: the weight of anxiety and shame over feelings so strong they were
sometimes painful, which affected even Cat, and the fear of taking the risk of
loving each other and the pain that might bring. The weight that had been laid
down on them by the mentality of the Real World, which both they and the
Writers had fought to change. They were free.

And, just as they had standing in the arena many years ago, Cat and Tara were
overwhelmed by love, longing, desire. And this time, there was nothing to hold
them back.

And, at last, they kissed.

They touched and tasted not only each other but the whole world of which they
were a part, newly illuminated by the fire within Cat. A world of silliness,
loss, pain, horror, adventure, confusion, nonsense, wonder. A microcosm of all
of life in its contradictions and complexity.

And it was beautiful beyond words.

The fire within Cat, burning brighter than ever before, roared out, touching
all the theater around them, and moving far beyond...

====

Back in the fighty part of the story, Simplicity's body was now a series of
vague pencil-strokes, not even a sketch so much as the first step in a "How to
Draw Supervillains" book for kids, suggesting a monstrous, muscular form with
spiky bits. The Ring was the only solid part, a sash over one shoulder that
blazed with energy. "Now, your stories will *end*... at the hands of Perfect
Omegacron X!"

"Hands?" shouted Small-Attention-Span-For-Nonsense Lass. "What hands!?"

Just then, the GreenRingKnight, surrounded by a halo of shifting metaphysical
energy, burst out of the earth.

"Prepare to gulp down my sizzling retcon pizzas from Pompeii! Swallow this red-
hot double-retco-scoop from hell!" said the GreenRingKnight, who was a little
delirious after several hours of being dead in a cave followed by an emotionally
exhausting transformation sequence.

"No! No! No!!!!" said Perfect Omegacron X. He blazed with energy, retconning
the world into simpler forms, but as fast as he could retcon, the
GreenRingKnight retconned his retcons.

The energies of the rings were growing stronger and stronger. Captain Continuity
was overwhelmed, exhilarated. For now he had not only the power of Continuity
but Retcon as well. Now he could do the thing he'd been afraid of doing all his
life, and maybe wanted to do the most--changing continuity.

With a wave of his hand, the post-WikiLull version of the Perplexing Random
Battalion of Poland appeared in front of Omegacron, restored to continuity in a
form that made slightly more sense. Iron Canary, Teenfactor veteran and
national hero of Poland, blasted at him with her powered armor while her flock
of trained canaries divebombed him and kept him off balance.

With another wave of GreenRingKnight's hand, there appeared an LNH subgroup
from the far future, in the twilight days of Earth when science and magic are
one--the Legion of Occultism Kids! Occultism Ninja barraged Omegacron with her
throwing pentacles.

He could keep doing this all day. He could rearrange continuity so not even
Omegacron could escape. He could change everything... Change the world, change
his own life, even. But what kind of life did he want?

If he could change something about his life, what would he change?

This was not a good kind of thought to be having while facing a nigh-omnipotent
destructive power.

Omegacron saw his resolution waver and, with a roar of "ENOUGH," sent the
Polish net.heroes and far-future occultists crashing to the ground.

There had to be another way, thought Captain Continuity...

And Ultimate Ninja watched and waited. She knew her ninja skills wouldn't be
enough to defeat Omegacron on her own--

The real Ultimate Ninja would have been able to defeat him without breaking a
sweat, said the ugly little thoughts in the back of her head.

No, she thought. I *am* real. He chose me for a reason. He was one of the
greatest strategists who ever lived, and...

She took a deep breath and centered herself, using all the ninja meditation
techniques her parents and uncle had taught her: Yes. I have to think
strategically. If you can't beat him with ninja weapons or a giant robot, you
beat him with superhero logic...

"Cheesecake Eater Lad," she said into the comm. "Is Convoluted Origin Man still
around?"

"I... *think* so?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad. "I mean, he erased himself from
existence for a while when he fought his Golden Age and Silver Age selves and
merged with the Convoluted Origin God, but then he got better."

"Perfect. Send him in."

And on the ground, Cliche Dude lay, clutching his bleeding side. Halls Jordan
helped him up.

"It's... too late!" said Cliche Dude. "There's nothing I can do. Nothing..."

"Look, Cliche," said Halls, "you of all people know that in these big superhero
battles it's the power of teamwork and friendship that wins. You'll win as long
as you're not alone--and you're never alone as long as I'm here."

"Hey, that's my line!" said Cliche Dude, smiling sweetly.

"Hmm," said Halls, "I have an idea." These words would have caused many LNHers
to flee in terror, but Cliche Dude perked up.

"Remember when we were watching Pretty Cure with Tara?" said Halls. "What if we
did some kind of dual attack, like those magical girls?"

"Yes! Combine our powers!" said Cliche Dude.

He wrapped his fingers around Halls's hand. "Are you ready?" said Halls.

"Who wants to live forever?" said Cliche Dude.

Sparkly pop music started up in the background. A coruscating field of rainbow
light rose up around them, blowing around their hair and clothes, and their
bodies were outlined in a shimmering aura.

"Halls, I..." said Cliche Dude. "I have to tell you before it's too late... I
love you!"

"...wow," said Halls, blushing. "That's neat."

They extended their fists, and shimmering yellow-and-green hearts appeared in
front of them.

"By our powers combined," they said in unison... "MENTHOLYPTUS FLAVORED
CLICHEHAMEHA!"

And somewhere deep within Omegacron's soul, Agent Bennigan was beginning to
stir. He was feeling uncertainty, doubt, fear--all those inconvenient human
feelings he'd thought he'd be better off without, but was glad of now.

And he had the strangest sense he wasn't alone.

There were the psychic echoes of other beings here imprisoned in Simplicity's
mind too, after all, each powerful and strong-willed in their own right. LIke
so many who tried to impose a simple paradigm on reality for the sake of
gaining power over others, there was much Reagent Omicron had hidden away. Here
within Simplicity there was a vast and unutterable...

Complexity.

The thought troubled him. Agent Bennigan liked it when things were simple. But
more than anything, he liked it when stories ended, and this one had gone on
long enough.

He looked at the brain patterns of those who had formed DeltaKiwi Meganthereon
and drew them together.

They began to form a face.

Outside, the battle raged on! The GreenRingKnight was mainlining enormous
amounts of cosmic power, but Perfect Omegacron X had transcended even that
level of determination, and was pushing him back, step by step!

But then, a feeling, terrifying yet nostalgic, began to well up inside of him!
"No," Omegacron roared! "What can this be!?"

The sketchy lines that suggested his form began to thicken and multiply.
Swirling around his body, defining limbs and muscles and form, they gathered
together in the middle of his chest.

Omegacron pushed the GreenRingKnight away and swatted and groped at his own
form, trying to pull away the detailing to no avail. The Ring blazed with
obliterating energy, but it only seemed to increase the contrast, complex
shading coming together over his chest, and beginning to form-- a face! The
face of Simplicity's equal and opposite counterpart, the anthropomorphic
personification of Complexity!

In the distance, Thematically Important Emotional Music Lass hit play on "The
Touch".

And at that exact moment, Convoluted Origin Man swooped in on the antigravity
Unobtainium wings his latest revamp had given him and smacked Omegacron in the
face with his Convoluted Chainflail.

And at that *exact* same moment, the Mentholyptus Flavored Clichehameha struck
Omegacron through the heart, supercharging all his emotions.

And that exact exact ***exact*** exactly same moment, charged up with
metafictional might by Masterplan Lad, Chaos Theory opened the gates of
Hypertext Time, letting wild possibility thru.

"All right, let's go!" said Sing-Along Lass, who had regained her connection to
the Power Kirby and really should have been at the forefront of the fight but
the story that established that hadn't been finished yet. [Chicks in Space--FG,
humming along]. She lead the LNHers and Kiwis in the background in a chorus:
"You've got the touch! You've got the power... YEAH!"

"No... no... NO!!!!" said Omegacron. The sheer complexity of the world, of his
emotions, of this ridiculous fight scene was overwhelming him. The lines of his
body were beginning to waver. "What is this power!?"

Bad-Timing Boy was about to say something, but Cannon Fodder grabbed him and
muffled his words.

"It's life, Omegacron!" shouted the GreenRingKnight, grabbing his body and his
cosmic power and holding it steady, holding Perfect Omegacron X in the path of
the Mentholyptus Flavored Clichehameha beam. "The story of how we go on living,
despite everything, in all its maddening, overcomplicated glory! You wanted a
neverending story, well-- HERE IT IS!"

"So *this* is what happened..." murmured Time-Waster Lad.

"This... *is* different!" whispered Marvel Zombie Girl. "Perhaps this time...
we will be able to truly win the Beigewar..."

"Just like in Infinity Gauntlet," said '90s Comics Kid, eyes sparkling.

"That speech was definitely written by Drew too," said the Incredible Man-With-
No-Life.

"Okay," admitted Small-Attention-Span-For-Nonsense Lass, "this is pretty cool."

"YOU GOT THE POWERRRRR!" sang Kid Enthusiastic at the top of his lungs,
Charlotte, Evelyn and Penelope the Kiwis ki-wi-ing right along, Very Big Boy
providing the bass.

"This is too many reaction lines," grumbled Masterplan Lad. "...oh no, I'm
doing one too..."

Perfect Omegacron X roared in defiance, but the complex and detailed lines
overran his form, turning into the outlines of everyone he'd absorbed,
overlapping, pulling against each other, beginning to become individual once
more. "Destiny... you cannot destroy... my destiny!"

====

And in that moment, Catalyst Lass's furious love-energy and the story-power
released from Omegacron's body linked thru time and space, unleashing a massive
Catalyzation Wave across the universe!

In the grim darkness of space war in the orbit of Dorfia, warring legions of
Dorf warriors stopped their space fighting for a moment to figure out what the
hell had just happened.

Above the Internet RACelestial Complex, a group of RACelestials turned to Earth
and tilted their heads.

And on a dead planet far far away, the Gasper gasped.

====

A hush had settled over the theater. As the light faded away, no one knew how
to break the silence. Words seemed inadequate to what they had just lived
through.

"Ah," said Token Girl, finally. The word seemed to echo impossibly loud. "Is
this storyline, like, actually over now?"

"Just about," said Ending.

"Man," said Merissa. "Was it really only a month since that all started? That
felt like two and a half years."

"This issue alone felt like two and a half years. It really did feel like this
story would never be over," said WikiBoy. "But... I guess anything's possible
now, huh?" He smiled weakly.

"Indeed," said Occultism Kid, as they were now. "Whether good or bad."

"It's true," said Ending. "A lot of things are ending right now. But a lot of
things are beginning, too. I can see that now. Thanks, LNHers. I needed to take
a break with some silly superhero nonsense. Now get outta here."

"Then you were... entertained?" Entertainment raised up his arms.

Ending half-smiled. "Yeah, I guess I was."

Ending took OTL's arm in hers and, with VAMMO Woman, they exited stage left.
All remaining turned to the audience and bowed.

And then the LNHers were standing on the stage of the Bandshell. For one brief
moment, entering back into time, Tara felt it was all happening to her at once:
facing Chuggernaut, sitting in the bleachers with Cat at Constellation's
alchemical wedding, facing DeltaKiwi Meganthereon and dying. All the joy, pain
and grief illuminated at once. Then she entered on into time again, feeling it
trudging on second by second.

"Owwww," she said. "This is the worst hangover I've ever had in my life. I'm
never drinking wine from a god again."

"She's alive!" said Sister State-the-Obvious.

"Tara! You're alive!" Merissa sprung on her and almost knocked her over.

"Oww! Geez!"

"Tara! Oh my god, you're alive." Cat grabbed ahold of her and hugged her.

"I guess. I sure don't feel like it." Then Tara noticed Cat was crying. "What
is it? I just came back from the dead. That--that's normal, that happens all
the time--"

"Yeah!" Cliche Dude pumped his fist in the air. "We did it!" He grabbed ahold
of Halls and passionately kissed him. The nearby LNHers started clapping.

"Wow," said Bad-Timing Boy. "I can't wait to tell Occultism Kid about all
this..."

Just then, mercifully, Captain Continuity fell down from the sky. Betamax
caught him just in time.

"Ouch," he said. He checked his hands, which held no rings--he didn't know
whether to be disappointed or relieved. "Jeez. I'll bet I look awful, huh?"

"Not in the slightest." Betamax might well have been smiling beneath her armor
as she helped him to his feet.

"So that's it for Simplicity?" said Masterplan Lad, standing a little away from
the net.heroic crowd.

"Probably not," said Chaos Theory. "Things are probably going to get, well,
complicated."

"You know, it's funny," said Masterplan Lad. "Back at the beginning of this
story, Simplicity was complaining about shipping... And that was what defeated
it, in the end. Or him. What pronouns does Simplicity use?"

"Either is fine, I think." Chaos Theory shrugged (an impressive sight,
coruscating chaotic light throughout the universe).

"I suppose there's a lesson in in that," said Masterplan Lad. "Although I
haven't the slightest clue what it is." And then he passed out.

The sky above the Net.ropolis Bandshell was blue. The plague wasn't over. There
was much work still to be done. But somewhere, someone was whistling "Walking
On Sunshine" and feeling alive.

"Uh, hey," said Iron Canary. "Could someone help us get home?"

====

And watching from the wings, Ending smiled.

For all things have their time, and all stories come to an end someday, even
this one.

====

"There. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Bacchus pours himself another glass.
Beside him, Simplicity is slumped on the bar, surrounded by empty glasses.

"How did it all go wrong? My plan was sheer elegance in its simplicity..."
Simplicity starts sobbing. "I'll get them all next time!" it shouts, shaking
its fist. "Just you wait! Just you--hic--" And then he collapses in a heap
under the bar.

"Looks like closing time to me," says Bacchus, raising his glass to the reader.
"Cheers!"

REALLY, WE SWEAR TO GOD, THE END

And now the song is over now
And now the song is over now
And now the song is over now
The song is over now
--They Might Be Giants, Everything Right is Wrong Again

Drew "but maybe come back tomorrow just in case" Nilium