CBFFA 1998: The Lost Chapter
Abyss
Subreality Cafe: The 1998 CBFFA Round Robin
The (Kielle wishes it was) Lost Chapter
Courtesy of Abyss, Haesslich & Tapestry
(This takes place between chapters 24 and 25 of the Awards)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was almost done. All the Awards were given, Doc
Nuke had switched Subreality back to its semi-normal state, and
Kielle was down to her last jumbo sized Futomaki roll... there
was just enough time...
Abyss whistled. Once, and not very loud. The odd
animal fic in the place might have noticed, but for the vast
majority the sound was lost. Except for two, very particular
fictives. Abyss felt something bump into his sandal. He lifted his
foot up and Wink-Wink slid into place. Looking downward, he
inspected the bunny slipper. One ear was slightly singed, a pair
of large sunglasses were perched across its nose, and the whole
thing was drenched in a sake/Guinness mix that defied
description.
"Had fun?"
"urp"
"Kind'a figured. Is Nudge in place?"
"skkkt"
"Okay, then, herewego..."
He shoved his way towards the front, jumping the
quivering pile of darkness and stuffed animals that was Laersyn at
the moment. Dex tried to drag him into another round of drinks,
but Abyss pointed towards the bathroom and made some obscure
hand gestures that allowed him to escape, temporarily at least.
He was in sight of the stage when a large blue-and-grey
figure stepped into his way.
"NOW ABYSS, NOW WILL BE A RECKONING."
"Ummm, Poccy, I'm kind of busy at the moment."
"YOUR BUSINESS IS DIEING!"
"Hey, look, Mhairie took her shirt off."
"WHAT? WHERE?"
Apocalypse turned and looked about frantically. Abyss
ducked and grabbed one of the cables that ran under the large
fictive's arms. A nearby tentacle provided an anchor and Abyss
made a break for the stage.
"STOP, ABYSS. YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE YOUR...
WHAT THE...?!?"
"WHO DARES PULL ON THE TENTACLES OF
DREAD CTHULU?!?"
He gained the stage, nearly slipping in a puddle of
what had once been a fictive, a victim of DocNuke's
presentation. The security crew were all occupied elsewhere and
no one prevented him from gaining the podium.
Just off-stage, Kielle finished scoffing her last pint o'sushi
when she noticed the Abyssmal Avatar at the podium. A feeling
of dread settled into her stomach, somewhere between the shrimp
and wasabi. Looking around frantically for security, she moved
towards the stage and was stopped by something grabbing onto
her foot, sending the unfortunate Scribe sprawling into a nearby
pile of unedited fics.
"What the...?"
Looking down at her foot, Kielle was rather perturbed at
the sight of a small, fuzzy bunny slipper with a Cuban cigar under
one ear and a mug of Sleeman's beer in the other. It's teeth,
however, were quite firmly wrapped around the hem of her pants.
"Nudge, let go. Now."
The bunny slipper, however, remained quite staunchly
where it was.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Writers and fictives, if I may
have your attention for a bit longer, we have one additional
award to present."
In the chaos as the Awards were drawing to a close, no
one heard the plea. Abyss tried again, shouting this time.
"Hey! Hey, listen up!"
Still nothing. Things were rapidly declining into abject
chaos. A group of Gen X types were crowd surfing, a rousing
chorus of Scottish drinking songs were going on in a corner, and
various fictives and writers were in assorted stages of undress
and intimacy in every corner and alcove that could be
conveniently manifested. The crowd at the bar was a step away
from a mosh-pit. Cupping his hands in front of his mouth, Abyss
tried a different tactic.
"Haesslich, NOW!"
There was the sound of something large being torn open
as the entire roof of the cafe was pulled up and off the building by
a dragon roughly the size of Madison Square Gardens. The
audience was treated to a perfect view of the Subreality night
sky. Well, except for the Manager, who had passed out as soon
as the first crack in the ceiling appeared. Arching its neck,
the dragon bellowed a basso roar that shook the walls of the
cafe.
Silence slowly spread across the cafe. Eyes of a variety
of shapes, colours and sizes fixed on Abyss, where he stood at
the podium. Wink-Wink crawled up onto the podium and
blinked at the gathering.
"Thank you. If I can just have your attention for a
moment... Ladies, Gentlemen and other assorted life forms, we
have one last matter to take care of."
Kielle looked about frantically. This wasn't part of the
plan. Falstaff was nowhere in sight, and no one was nearby
backstage. She considered calling for help, but the idea of being
found immobilized by sentient footwear was entirely too
disturbing to do that. She tugged again at her pant-leg.
Nudge-Nudge dropped his beer and grabbed onto a chair with his free
ear. Kielle began slowly dragging herself, the slipper and the
chair towards the stage.
On the podium, Abyss continued.
"As this is the first of what we hope will be an annual
event. On behalf of the collective Writers of Subreality we would
like to present now the Official Awards for Outstanding
Contribution to Fan-Fic Proliferation. To explain the significance
of this award, here is the legal representative of the Marvel
mainstream universe, Matt Murdock."
Murdock walks onto the stage. Dark glasses covered his
eyes and he guided himself with a cane. Finding his way
unerringly to the podium, he addressed the audience.
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Matt Murdock, of
Murdock & Nelson, Barristers & Solicitors, representing our
client, Marvel Comics Inc. this evening. Now, as you know, fan-fiction does
make use of many characters and ideas which
originate with the work of our clients. That being said, the
mainstream and the ficstream have managed to co-exist admirably
over the years. It is a pleasure to offer our endorsement of this
award this evening. This award is being given to those who have
made a contribution to the world of Fan-Fic above and beyond
the call of duty or addiction. We are pleased to officially name
this award The Hawk's Talon. The name is in honour of Hawk
and the original archive which served as the inspiration for the
diversity of sites in existence today."
There was a round of applause and cheers. Murdock
moved off to the side and Abyss returned to the podium.
"Thank you Mr. Murdock. For those who are interested,
Mr Murdock will be signing copies of his book `Suing My
Writer: Legal Recourse for Pissed-Off Fictives', after the
ceremony. at this point, I would like to ask Hawk herself to join
me up here?"
Seated amidst crowd of writers and fictives, Hawk did her
best to sink into the floor. The other writers at the table were
having none of it, though. Dave Warner and Phil Foster got up
and grabbed the chair. Dex and Falstaff grabbed on as well and
the four collectively lifted the chair up into the air. Much to their
surprise, however, Hawk herself lifted right up off the chair and
flew towards the now vacant space that was once the ceiling, all
the while throwing dirty looks in Abyss' general direction. Hawk
was stopped dead, however, by an indistinct grey form which
appeared in front of her and barred her flight. The form lifted
what might have been an arm and pointed at Hawk, who was
suddenly teleported to the podium next to Abyss. Hawk tried to
fly again, but was stopped by a small furry form which bit down
on her shoe and made any escape impossible. The annoyed avian
ex-archivist glared at the slipper. Wink-Wink winked one at
Hawk and hung on.
"I'll get you for this." she mumbled at Abyss, who
grinned and continued.
"A big thanks to TIC for running interference there...
well, thanks, wherever you are."
Everyone looked, but the grey form was gone as quickly
as it disappeared. Abyss turned to the fuming Hawk
"Now then, at this point I would like to present you with
this..." he produced from beneath the podium a golden award
shaped like a bird of prey in flight with a pen in its claws, "the
first of its kind, as you were the first of yours. For outstanding
efforts in the proliferation of fan created fiction in what we
laughingly call Reality, please accept this Award."
Abyss handed the award to Hawk, who took it and tried
very hard not to look pleased as the entire mob in the Cafe
cheered. Cries of Speech! Speech!!' rang out. Abyss stepped
aside and gestured at the podium. Wink-Wink let go of her cuff
and Hawk stepped to the podium. The crowd quietened
somewhat.
"Thank you, this is a great honour, and I would just like
to remind everyone of just what it is hawks are prone to doing
with their Talons."
She then whirled and planted the award quite firmly into
Abyss' stomach. The unfortunate Abyss doubled over and the
Award descended on the back of his head. Abyss crumpled to
the floor. The audience cheered, especially the group from the
Villain's Lounge. Grinning from ear to ear, Hawk moved off the
stage. Abyss clawed his way back up to the mic.
"Ouch... while..i..recover..enough to *cough* present this
year's award...ow... may I present, for your enjoyment, once
again, ...*cough*... the Vertigo Danse Troupe!"
The music started up. A jovial, happy tune resounding
throughout the Cafe. From out of the kitchen, in perfect
coordinated harmony, came a line of Vertigo clones. They
formed up a can-can line and began dancing across the stage,
crossing in front of the podium. The audience cheered as the
lines split. In an impressive series of acrobatics, the clones
cartwheeled their way into a five line human pyramid. The
applause were thunderous. The music changed tempo and the
clone at the top stood up and lifted her arms. The music slowed
yet again, and the opening bar of Bette Midler's The Rose'
wafted gently through the cafe. Everyone silenced, even the
animal-fics. Apocalypse and Cthulu were still brawling outside,
but no one noticed. The Vertigo clone was lowered to the
ground. She opened her mouth to sing... and disappeared in a
fine red mist as the entire troupe was strafed with plasma-laser
fire.
To their credit, the Brute Squad was on the ball. The
gunner was quickly isolated and removed by a large claw that
descended from the ceiling.
"Let me go! Let me go you overgrown salamander! I'm
not done yet! Kielle! Kielle!! You owe me a life, you...!"
The rest of Misfire's rant was muffled as Haesslich stuffed
her head first into a pair of dragon-sized socks.
Lifting the bagged Misfire up out of sight, the dragon
started muttering surreptiously to her as soon as the crowd
couldn't overhear them.
"There... you got your chance. Happy now?"
Sitting back down in her cotton prison, Misfire sighed
and crossed her arms. "Didn't give me time to finish the
freakin' job." she grumbled.
"at least you got your shot. Agent M really, REALLY
doesn't like the fact that I'm writing you too. And you
owe me a story for this."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Good. Then we understand each other."
Back on the podium, Abyss, mercifully spared being
drenched in pureed clone by the presence of a rather disoriented
Matt Murdock, returned to the podium.
"Okay, settle down, settle down, everything is under
control..."
The crowd quieted just slightly. Wink-Wink jumped up
on Murdock's shoulder and started licking the gore off his
glasses as Abyss continued.
"Now, if my other assistant will bring out the victim... I
mean honoree."
She was almost there. Almost to the edge of the stage.
Mere metres from doing something unspeakably Laersyn-like to
Abyss, AND his stupid slippers, when Abyss spoke again.
Nudge-Nudge released his grip on the chair and scampered
forward onto the stage, dragging the Scribe along with him by
her cuff. The gathered Writers and fictives were treated to the
sight of their beloved Scribe being dragged behind scurrying
sentient footwear. The response varied between hysteria and
outrage, but mostly hysteria.
Nudge released her and hopped up next to Wink-Wink,
who had moved to the podium and was puffing contentedly on a
cigar. Abyss moved to help Kielle to her feet, then thought better
of it when she looked at him. Returning to the podium, he spoke
quickly;
"For outstanding efforts in contribution to the
proliferation of fan-fic, for the creation of this version of
Subreality, and for maintenance of CAN, we are pleased to
honour you, Kelly Newcombe, with this Award. Mr Murdock, if
you would?"
Murdock stepped to where Kielle had regained her feet.
Surprisingly accurate for a blind man, he handed her the award,
indicated the podium and took her arm. Still somewhat flustered,
Kielle stepped forward, and unfortunately slipped in a puddle of
Vertigo. She regained her balance quickly, but Matt was
propelled head first into the crowd, landing with his head in a
large jug of chocolate-pudding-like substance that might have
been Guinness, or just watery chocolate pudding. Several
Lockheed fictives, a few Blizzards and the odd cat descended on
him.
On the podium, Kielle took in the scene. Somewhere off-stage, a
distinctly Tapestry-like voice was laughing hysterically.
Abyss, slippers on feet, was moving off side. Plotting revenge,
Kielle prepared to give chase when she noticed just how chaotic
things had gotten in the Cafe. Making careful mental note of the
likely escape paths of the culprits, she gripped the podium and
attempted to draw the insanity to a close.
"ALL RIGHT, PIPE DOWN!" Kielle roared from the stage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All writers and archivists appearing herein are their own
property. All characters are the property of their writers.
The above silliness is respectfully dedicated to Hawk and Kielle,
for the reasons which should be quite clear.
Heeheehee...
"skkkt"
"hssst"
Abyss & Co.
Special thanx to Tapestry and Haesslich
Kielle
<< Subreality Cafe: The 1998 CBFFA Round Robin
The (Kielle wishes it was) Lost Chapter
Courtesy of Abyss, Haesslich & Tapestry >>
<alternately blushing and choking indignantly with laughter>
All right, the last laugh's on me...I did NOT know this was
coming, and I'm terribly, wonderfully flattered. A public
<bow> and thank you to you, Abyss, and to Haesslich and
Tapestry whose respective influences I DEFINITELY
noted in that piece. :)
Now <cough> will someone kindly get Nudge-Nudge
<wheeze> off of my stomach? I really do need to get up
and go home now...
.-=K=-.