Fanfiction Science Theater: A Short Fanboy Story 2/?

[Kielle]

It ain't that I'm obsessed with MST3K, it's just that…well, okay, I'm
obsessed with MST3K. <G> But this one ain't my fault, honestly!
It's by Tapestry at mal...@inlink.com, so if you like it tell her so.
She needs feedback.

.-=K=-.
~~~~~~~

Fanfiction Science Theater: A Short Fanboy Story
By Tapestry
(mal...@inlink.com)

Disclaimer: The three hosts and other weird creatures are mine,
with the exception of the character Michael Gibby. I refuse to
take responsibility for this or the Marvel characters.

[Note from Kielle: And the original text is copyright Michael
Gibby, mais of course. Can't forget that detail.]

Author's Warning: If you liked A Short Fanboy Story, do not read
this. If you were offended by it, go ahead, this is a parody of
it. I'm sorry if you're out there, Mike, but hell, you deserved
this, and criticism just isn't enough for this kind of thing. For
those of you who are offended by MSTK3 stuff (TM Best Brains
Co) don't read this either. Hey, it was either this or write a
meaningless rant. I figured this was more fun. And I would
also like to thank Martha (and Cat!) for inspiring this with her
original parody. I felt just as offended as she did, and this is
just my way of...expressing myself. Yeah, that's it...

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Subj: POST #2
Date: 97-05-18 02:05:52 EDT
From: Kielle
To: Kielle

> The flight was rather uneventful. I fell asleep after a few
> minutes. I awoke to the flight attendant poking me in the side,
> telling me that we were about to land and I needed to put my
> seat in an upright locked position. I broke the handle off the
> adjustment mechanism. I said to myself, "Better not shake hands
> with whoever they send to meet me. I'd probably crush theirs."

ELF: Personally, *I* want to see him try it with Psylocke. She'd
see what was on his mind and ram it up his--
CHASE: Elf...please...I'm sick enough already.

> The plane landed and I got off. I must have looked like the
> stereotypical tourist minus the camera and loud shorts.

ROB: So that leaves -- what? The vacant expression and head lice?

> I stood there with my gym bag slung over my shoulder looking
> around for whoever it was that Chuckles had decided to send.
> Mental note: Don't call him "Chuckles" to his face. Not the
> best way to win friends and influence people.

CHASE: From what we've seen so far, I don't think that'll be much
of a problem. He influences people just by breathing.
ELF: Yeah, and not to mention the fact that "Chuckles" can read
minds. Do they really make people this stupid, or does it require
years of intense nurturing?

> Additional: Don't call anyone by their codename unless that's
> how you're introduced to them, and none of those little
> nicknames you've come up with. I could just see Remy flingin'
> a card at me for calling him "Cajun Boy."

ROB: I can see him doing it even *without* being called "Cajun
Boy." All this jerk's got to do is look at him, and the little
parasite will be filled with three decks and a pool table.

> I saw a rather tall, dark-haired man holding a sign with my name
> on it.

CHASE: Hmm. From here it looks like the sign says "Moronic Pervert."
ELF: Yes, Mike knows his name well..

> He was wearing red shades, so I figured it must be Summers,

ROB: Oh, of course! Cyclops is the only person in the whole wide
world who has been known to wear shades! And how many guys
have *dark* hair? Wow, what are the odds?!

> but I couldn't let him know that. Not yet. Next to him was a
> gorgeous redhead. Must be Jean. I was wearing my own
> shades (figured I'd start to work on Monsoon's "look" just in
> case I turned out to be him)

ELF: Accckkkhh...Chase, give me that bag...I'm about to give the
front seat a great view of my lunch...
CHASE: I'm sorry, it's full. Hey, is anyone there?! We've got an
emergency! Get some more of those bags in here-- Oh. Never mind.
ROB: Oh, that is truly disgusting. Elfrinia, did you *have* to
pick that moment to look right at me? I'm never going to get this
stuff out now!

> and removed them to get a better look. Sure enough, it was the
> happy couple. I gave them a look of recognition that said, "Oh,
> you're the people I was sent to meet," and walked on over.
> "Mike Gibby?" he said.
> "What a coincidence! That's my name too." I was trying to be
> funny, but no one was laughing.

CHASE: Judging from this kid's sense of -- ahem -- "humor"
I'd venture to say this was not an unfamiliar occurance. Better
now, Elf?
ELF: Gurgle.
CHASE: Good for you. Hey, Rob, you're starting to corrode.
ROB: Gee, I wonder why? Get her away from me!

> "Just kidding. Nice to meet you Mr. . . .?"
> "Summers. Scott Summers. This is my wife Jean."
> "Pleased to meet you," she said with a smile.

CHASE: ...As she stabbed half a dozen pins into the life-sized
voodoo doll she had just finished constructing.
ROB: Where?
CHASE: Well, I'd imagine it would be a foreign concept to robots,
but humans have this--
ELF: URRRRLLLLLLPPPPPP!

> "Very well then, Mr. and Mrs. Summers. Shall we go get
> my luggage?"
> "Grey."
> "Beg pardon?"
> "Jean Grey. I kept my maiden name. But Jean and Scott will
> be just fine."

CHASE: You can't really blame the woman. Who would want to
share the same name as someone as anal as Scott?
ELF: (wiping mouth) Then why'd she marry him...?
CHASE: Lobdell.
(Sympathetic shudders all around, and a moment of silence for the
unfortunate young woman.)

> "All righty then, Scott and Jean. Let's get my stuff already!"

ELF: My God, he automatically put *Scott's* name first! This man
is a born chauvinist!

> And with that, I headed for the baggage claim area.

ROB: Yes, the mighty Monsoon, Scourge of the Toilet Bowl!
Able to head directly to and from the baggage claim area!

> I'd definitely have to keep reminding myself that I didn't
> know their codenames, and had never heard of the X-Men.
> We got to the baggage claim carousel and started loading
> my suitcases onto a cart. I didn't have too much, but that
> cart was stacked pretty high.

CHASE: Anyone else noticing some discrepencies in Gibby's
judgment? "I didn't have too much, but the cart was stacked
pretty high?" What is *wrong* with this child?
ELF: Now that you think about it, this might not be completely
his fault. Perhaps it's just a result of having his brain in his--
CHASE: ELFRINIA!!!!

> I still couldn't believe what was happening to me. There I
> was with two of my personal heroes, and I was wide awake.
> I wondered just how I would react to seeing Rogue for the
> first time.

(CHASE starts gasping for air, buckling over in his seat and
putting his head between his legs.)
ELF: Hey, Damon, you all right?
CHASE: I can...I can remember...oh God, it's so...*horrible*...
ROB: What is he talking about?
ELF: How am I supposed to know?!
(CHASE begins foaming at the mouth and going into convulsions.
ELF and ROB edge away ever so slowly.)

> Anyway, Scott tried to push the cart out to the car, but
> couldn't budge it. I decided to give him a hand and started to
> swing it around with no trouble. Jean stopped me. "Cut that
> out! I don't care how strong you are, but you don't want to be
> noticed. At least let it look like Scott's helping you."

ELF: Yeah, he just offended Scott's -- achem -- "manhood," if you
could call it that.
ROB: But didn't he have a kid?
ELF: You don't have to be a man to have a kid. All you need is
some spare time and a lot of duct tape.

> I could see her point. Mutants weren't exactly accepted in
> society, and a 140-pound weakling shoving around a cartful
> of luggage didn't exactly look normal.

ROB: I'm beginning to see why Damon cracked.
ELF: *I'll* say. 140 pounds and a weakling?! I'm sorry, but this
guy wouldn't look normal anywhere.

> I decided to play along and let Scotty "help" me. We got
> the cart out to the car and put the luggage in the trunk.
> This would be my first limo ride since the Hawaii trip
> twelve years before.

ROB: (As Mike) When we were being taken to that nuclear
testing site. I quite liked it, in fact. There was lots of pretty
colors, and it didn't take all that long for my hair to grow back...

> We were toolin' down the road and I was playing with any
> controls I could get my hands on. Jean turned around and
> asked, "First time in a limo?" To which I of course responded,
> in my best Doctor Galazcewicks voice, "In a limo this small."
> She turned around and rolled her eyes.

ELF: For an idiot, he sure is portraying Jean's reactions well. I
guess his subconscious knows he's a twit, even though he doesn't
acknowledge it himself.
ROB: Who's Dr. Galazcewicks?

> I laughed to myself, then found the little refrigerator.

ELF: No comment.

> I opened it to discover a six-pack of Pepsi. "Yes!" I thought.
> "Everything's going perfect so far."

ROB: It doesn't take that much to make him happy, does it?
ELF: Simple minds, simple pleasures.

> I asked, "Is this Pepsi here for anyone who wants it?"
> Scott said, "Sure, help yourself."

ROB: I'm suddenly reminded of when Bart put Homer's beer in
the paint-mixer...

> I grabbed a can, popped it open, and leaned back in the seat. I
> could certainly learn to like this.
> We pulled into the driveway of the mansion. Wow, is that place
> big! You could probably fit my parents' house in it with room
> for two or three more. I knew there was more to this place than
> meets the eye, but there was a lot for my eye to meet.

ELF: (Now ignoring the drivel completely as she shakes CHASE)
Hey, bud, you all right? Come on, snap out of it!
CHASE: My mommy gives me crayons to color the pony...
ROB: This is bad, isn't it?
CHASE: I don' wanna grow up! I'm a T.I.C. kid--!
ELF: Oh yeah, this is bad. Do you have any sedatives? Or maybe
some prozac? I don't think he's going to hold out much longer.
ROB: Sure. Give him these. (Drawer pops open in his torso
section, and six pink-and-white pills rest in the bottom,
which ELF takes.)
ELF: Won't this overdose him?
ROB: Desperate times, desperate measures. He's the only one
who's