X-Men/Wacky Races Amalgam Crossover (reposted)
Annetta Campbell
X-Men/Wacky Races Amalgam Crossover
by Innocent Bystander and Masked Goon
Disclaimer: All X-Men characters are owned by Marvel Comics. All Wacky
Racers characters and text lifted from the intro and ending are the
property of Hanna Barbera.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now, here they are! The most daredevil group of daffy drivers to ever
whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the
world's wackiest racer - in a world that hates and fears them!
The cars are approaching the starting line.
The first is the Turbo Terrific, driven by Scott Perfect.
Next, Logan Roughcut and Sabretooth in the Buzzwagon.
Manoeuvring for position is the Army Surplus Special.
Right behind is the Thieves Guild Mob in their Bullet-proof Bomb.
And there's the ingenious inventor Professor Forge in his Converta-Car.
Oh, and here's the lovely Rouge Pitstop, the glamour gal of the gas-pedal.
Next, we have the Boulder-Mobile with the Slag-off brothers, Beast and Evil
Beast.
Lurching along is the Creepy Coupe with the Gruesome Twosome.
And right on their tail is the Red Mags.
And there's the Arkansas Chugabug with Husk and Blubba 'Ball.
Sneaking along last is that Mean Machine with those double- dealing
do-badders, Mary Dastardly and his sidekick D.O.G. - and even now they're
up to some dirty trick!
Dastardly: That's Marius Saint Dastardly, peasant!
And they're off - to a standing start. And why not?
They've been chained to a post by shifty Mary Dastardly, who shifts into
the wrong gear! (and crashes into a post) And away they go! On the way-out
Wacky Races!
And this week, our wacky ones are in the Scary Monster Woods of Canada.
These ferociously frightening forests are rumoured to have more monsters
per square inch than Manhattan since Spiderman got six comics a month!
It's home ground for Logan Roughcut and Sabretooth in the Buzzwagon! They
speed into the lead, passing the Sugar Man and Deadpool in the Creepy
Coupe, and Sergeant Cable in the Army Surplus special!
Right in the rear, who do we have? It's that maniacal madman Mary Dastardly
and his malicious mongrel! Why so slow, Mary?
Dastardly: We're going to take a shortcut!
How?
Dastardly: Heh heh heh. Through a parallel dimension!
(Poof! Dastardly vanishes and appears ahead)
Well, Dastardly, since we're in the woods, your evil plan is going to
involve trees. Right?
Dastardly: Indubitably. (Dastardly's car extrudes saws from its wheels,
cutting down swathes of trees in its wake)
Oh no! This pile of trees is too large even for the Buzzwagon to claw its
way through! Is this race over before it even begins?
Logan Roughcut: We're the best at what we do, bub!
(Sabretooth leaps out of the wagon, and gnaws through the heap of trees
with his outsized teeth, creating a huge cloud of sawdust which is sucked
into Dastardly's engine)
(The action stops for the title: "If You Go Down To The Woods Today...")
(The Mean Machine splutters to a halt, and is sawn in two by the Buzzwagon)
Dastardly: Drat and double drat!
D.O.G.:(Snicker)(Dastardly whacks him) Snassenfrassenwrassen. Sir.
And leading with a military bearing is Cable in the Surplus Six! Right on
his tail is Professor Forge's Converta-Car! In third place, the Buzzwagon
seems to be running into a spot of bother!
Sabretooth: Ya little runt. Yer short. Like a cake. A birthday cake. Sonny
boy. Silver Fox. Ya got a skeleton made o' paperclips.
Logan: You askin' fer a fight?
(Buzzwagon stops as the lumberjack twins get into a punch up)
And Scott Perfect, perfectly taking advantage of his opponent's
imperfection, takes third place! But Cable and Forge are way ahead in the
lead!
Cable: Slow down, egghead. You're out of your league! I've got a big gun!
Forge: Have you, indeed? Well, I have a bigger gun. (Bigger gun whips out
from Converta-Car)
Cable: I've got an even bigger gun! (Gun turret extends)
Forge: Call that pea-shooter a gun? (Bigger Gun disappears. Even Bigger Gun
flicks out)
Cable: Nothing more than a waterpistol. Get a load of this! (Giant gun)
(Scott Perfect drives by)
Perfect: How sad.
(Cable and Forge fume. They nod at each other and fire at Perfect)
But Scott Perfect gets off perfectly scott free, and zooms into the lead!
Dastardly and D.O.G. have taken another devious shortcut. Do you have a
plan in mind, Dastardly?
Dastardly: Do you have to ask?
(Sign at Crossroads reads "Race Route" and "Weapon X - Top Secret Military
Experiments and Conspiracy. " Dastardly switches them round)
Dastardly: Quick, D.O.G., I want to see the look on what's left of their
faces! Heh heh heh heh!
The racers speed onwards towards an uncertain fate. Egad, have you no soul,
Mary?
Dastardly (from behind boulder): No, I haven't. And please stop calling me
Mary.
No soul? Really?
Dastardly: All I have left is the Guilt! And the Hunger! A thousand hands
shredding my corporeal form! And a large collection of Rock and Classical!
Guilt, Dastardly?
Dastardly: I lied about the guilt. But you get the idea.
(The racers pour through an entrance marked "Drive in." Beside it are
entrances marked "Slobber in' " and "Slaughter in'." They drive through a
Mad Scientist's laboratory, and end up on a conveyer belt. As they pass a
complicated machine, marked "Amoral Experiment," they are zapped by a
strange ray. The Professor, Hines, and Cornelius are taking notes on
clipboards)
Cornelius: When you suggested advertising in the papers, Professor, I never
really thought we'd get any volunteers.
The strange ray imbues the racer's cars with turbo power! and they're
simply hurtling off! Oh, dear - right over Dastardly. Oh, bad luck
Dastardly. What are you going to do now?
Dastardly: Why, the only thing I can do! Give myself a double dose! D.O.G.!
To the Mean Machine!
(The overdose turns Dastardly and D.O.G into slavering monsters)
But Dastardly's bad luck is holding out! It's turned you into quite a
charmer, Mary.
(Dastardly advances menacingly towards the camera)
No! No! Keep away from me! I think we'd better go check up on the other
racers!
And in the lead are Gambit and the Thieves Guild Mob. In second place,
Rouge is adjusting her make-up.
Rouge: That's why they call me Rouge, Sugah!
And in third place, the Beast and the Evil Beast in the Boulder-Mobile! How
is your vehicle powered without an engine, Slag-off brothers?
Beast: Quite simple, my garrulous friend. Our conveyance is invigored by
Word Power! My alternate reality variant and I simply argue ceaselessly, to
originate enough air to propel us to the finish line. I would have to grant
that my succinct and pithy phrases are of lesser use in the field of hot
air than my brother's mellifluously verbose drivelling!
Evil Beast: I find it a necessity to quibble with that, my parallel cousin.
As the immortal Bard so judiciously said, "Only doth backward pull; Our
slow designs, when we ourselves are dull."
All right, all right, I get the idea! And the Monster Huge Dictionary Power
of the Slag-off brothers propels them past Rouge! And they're gaining on
the Thieves Guild Mob!
Gambit: Mon amis! Dose pesky betes est catching up wit' us! We need t'
lighten de load! Jettison de Dark Secrets!
An abandoned bride, the Mona Lisa and Mr Sinister bounce out the back of
the Bullet-proof Bomb, allowing de T'ieves - Oh, darn, it's even getting
to me - allowing THe THieves to roar off into the distance.
Rouge: Remy! Tell me it ain't true! Ah never knew Ah loved yah 'til yah
left!
And now back to our own little monsters, Mary Dastardly and D.O.G.! Keep
back, Mary!
(Dastardly and D.O.G. are still slavering monsters)
Dastardly: Quiet! I'm setting a trap. When those pathetic poltroons come
round the corner, D.O.G and I will jump out. In our present state we will
quite simply scare their pants off! Right, D.O.G.?
D.O.G.: Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh! Sir.
Uh, Dastardly...
Dastardly: What?
(Behind him are the Wendigo, the Hunter in Darkness, and Sasquatch)
Sasquatch: (taps Dastardly on shoulder) Excuse me?
Dastardly (turns round): Aaaaaah! (runs away)
And Dastardly's in the lead without a car!
Sasquatch: We merely want to live at one with nature.
Wendigo: Wendigo!
Hunter in Darkness: Grrr.
Here comes our wacky crew! Logan Roughcut and Sabretooth have patched up
their differences long enough to take the lead. But will the Scary Monsters
ruin it all?
Logan: Hi, monsters!
Monsters: Hi, Wolvie!
Logan: Seems a long time since I was a monster in these woods. I'm told I
reduced tourism by 25 per cent!
Sabretooth: Ya measly little runt! I ate a whole tourist coach party!
Logan: When?
Sabretooth: Just now.
Next up is the Creepy Coupe. The question is, who's going to be the
SCARIEST?
(Sugar Man is toasting Marshmallows in Lockheed's flame)
Sugar Man: Monstersahead, Wadie. Doyour trick.
(Deadpool removes his mask, facing away from the camera towards the
monsters. The monsters are terrified)
Monsters: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! (they run away)
That's a neat trick, Deadpool. How d'you do it?
(Deadpool turns to face the camera. It shatters before we see his face)
Oh. THAT'S how.
Deadpool: And you should see my mother-in-law! She did stunt double for
Freddie Kreuger!
So as we approach the final stretch, let's take a look at the state of the
race. Rouge Pitstop leads in the Compact Pussycat. Right behind is Scott
Perfect. Hot on their tail is the Arkansas Chugabug.
Blubba 'Ball: Ahm not good enough to win the race (gibber). Ah don't belong
in the race! (blubber) Ahm just holding yah back, Paige! (snivel)
What's this? The Pussycat seems to be in trouble!
Rouge: Oh dear! Ah just know Ah shouldn't've put mah lil ol' hair curlers
in there to heat!
Scott Perfect: Let me help you, my dear. (fixes engine)
Rouge: What a perfect gentleman! Ah could just kiss yah, shugah! (She
kisses him. He falls over slowly, remaining perfectly straight)
Perfect: Gosh. It was never like this with Jean. (loses consciousness)
Rouge: (starts firing optic blasts) Mah lil ol' stars! Lucky Ah keep a full
set o' fashion accessories in mah car! (puts on red sunglasses)
Let's leave them and go on ahead. Looks like another Dastardly plan! Have
you ever thought of competing honestly, Mary?
(Dastardly and D.O.G. have returned to their normal appearances. As normal
as a cross between Emplate and Dick Dastardly is going to get, anyway. I
wish I could draw!)
Dastardly: Never! And Mary is NOT short for Marius.
My mistake.
Dastardly: D.O.G! Help me haul that big log over the road!
D.O.G raises eyebrows at Totem pole at side of road. Shrugs. Smirks.)
(As soon as they move the pole, a bear spirit with a head - dress oozes out
of it)
Bear Spirit: Heap big trouble when Grey Man move place of ancestors!
(Dastardly and D.O.G jump several feet in the air, before taking off down
the road in a cloud of dust. The spirit pursues)
And as we rejoin our merry motorists, the finish line is visible! In the
lead is Professor Forge in his Converta-Car! He's using Big Gun power to
jet-propel himself into the lead! Tell me Prof, if you can build any gadget
you can imagine, why always the Big Guns?
Forge: I've always attributed it to not having an imagination! He, he, he,
he, he!
Behind him the Turbo Terrific and the Buzzwagon are jostling for space! But
what's this? The outsider of the race, the Red Mags is putting on a final
burst of speed, pulling himself towards the finish line with Magnetism
power!
Red Mags: I shall win this race! And with it, rightful dominion over my
fellow Homo Superior! I shall not be denied!
(passes sign: "Acme Tin-tacks Factory")(A cloud of tin-tacks stick
themselves in him and his car)
Red Mags: You think these petty distractions can confound me, the Master of
Magnetism?
(passes sign: "Acme Saucepan factory")( Whang! Clang! Bang!)
Red Mags: Your utmost efforts are as mist!
(Passes sign: "Acme Anvil Factory")
Red Mags: Mother.
(KLUNK!)
And he's out of the race at the last minute! But what's this coming? It's
Mary Dastardly and his smarmy sidekick, with the Great Bear Spirit hotly in
pursuit! And he's over the finish line well ahead of all the rest. But the
Bear's not stopping, and Dastardly's not either!
Dastardly: Exit! Pursued by a bear!
The judges are saying that not collecting his prize disqualifies him from
the race! It looks like the race is in the bag for the potty prof! But!
Yes! There's been a last minute burst of speed from the Boulder-Mobile!
Looks like one final disagreement over the nature of being is going to put
them in the lead at the last minute!
Evil Beast: I favour the Nietzschian perspective on the ontological
question. I find your parsing of Plato's Greek sadly biased in three
cardinal positions! In fact, I might accuse you of a subtle intellectual
naivete in the initial proposition! Perhaps you are unaware of Dekorsky's
paper on immutable Cartesian contradictions?
And they're passing the Arkansas Chugabug! The Thieves Guild Mob! The
Turbo Terrific!
Beast: To me, the whole controversy is summed up with that timeless couplet
of Milton's "For who would lose, Though full of pain, this intellectual
being, Those thoughts that wander through eternity." In the face of that
undeniable spiritual truth, I consider argument futile! Essentially, the
principle is related to Hume's paradox - consider the Snooker Table
prescript!
And with that last blast of Word Power, the blue babblers accelerate past
the Converta-Car and the Buzzwagon, winning the race, and forcing the Dotty
Doc and the Kooky Killer Canadians into second and third place! What a
race! What an ending!
While the brainy blue Beasts read a poem in celebration, let's check up on
how Dastardly's doing! How's it going, Mary?
(Dastardly is hiding behind a sign that reads "Alpha Flight HQ: We tackle
Mystic Threats, Nefarious Conspiracies, and Tough Social Issues -
While-U-Wait!")
Dastardly: H-Has it gone yet?
D.O.G: (Snicker) (Wham!) Snassefrassenwrassenwrussen. Sir.
And they're off again! The Wacky Race goes on and on - each driver
determined to win - manoeuvring for position - looking for the opening that
will put them in the lead - and prevent several apocalyptic futures!
The Thieves Guild Mob uses getaway power.
Red Mags in the Crimson Saviour makes his move.
The Arkansas Chugabug uses Blast Field jet power.
And the Creepy Coupe pours it on with Lockheed Power.
Oh, it's gonna be a great race, folks! Hey. Waitaminute. Stop! This race
starts next month!
Dastardly: Next month? That means I'll have time to kidnap the others, and
drain them of their genetic marrow!
("The End" sign falls on Dastardly)
Dastardly: Drat, drat, and double drat!
D.O.G: (Snicker)
!!!!!!!!
Yes folks, we were sad enough to transcribe the intro and ending sequences!
Please address any comments/complaints to campbel...@zetnet.co.uk
Next: Bagpuss meets Omega Red. Emily finds the Carbonadium Synthethizer,
and leaves it at the shop for the Saggy Old Cloth Cat to see.