CBFFA 1998: Best X-Force Story (20/25)
Kielle
Subreality Cafe: The 1998 CBFFA Round Robin 20/25
Best Team Story/Series: X-Force
By Desert Nomad (Dsrt...@aol.com)
Short Note before we begin: Brackets like these: [ ] indicate
movie clips. They were copied directly from their respective
stories, without permission (I'd've gotten permission, but that
would've ruined the surprise!) I apologize to all the nominees
who didn't get clips, but this thing was running long. On with
the show!
In the pause, the crowd had gotten unruly. One of
Abyss's slippers had gotten away from him and had apparently
gotten into a nasty spat with Lockheed, and someone had
provided a few of the Gen X annuals which were now being
used as spitballs. Finally, Kielle stamped back on stage,
mumbling something about roofs and Patrick Sahlstrom's
allergies. The crowd grew silent.
"Okay," Kielle said tiredly. "Now it's time for the Best X-
Force Story. This award will be presented by..." She squinted
at her notes. Hmm. Between the arrows and the doodles, she
could barely read her own handwriting. "...some fictive of
Desert Nomad's." Oh well. That'd have to do.
A girl about sixteen strode out onto the stage. All eyes
followed her. She glanced around rather self-consciously.
"Don't look at me. I'm just the translator." She waited a
moment, then stuck her head behind the curtain. "Get out
here, Mr. Bigshot. You're the one who wanted to do this."
After getting tangled in the curtains in a way slightly
reminiscent of Sesame Street's Guy Smiley, a man entered the
stage. He was dressed all in black, his face ghastly white. The
room fell silent. Five Gambits, two Scott Summerses, and a
full set of Marauders promptly made a not-so-subtle trip to the
Mens' Room.
"Hey!" a voice from the back yelled out. "I had dibs!
Don't make me sic my bunny slippers on you!"
"Relax, relax!" the Translator shouted. "It's not Sinister.
Really! And frankly, Abyss, I'm not afraid of those slippers.
Kielle's been slippin' them drinks of Subreality Sake all night.
They're as sloshed as Pete Wisdom in an Absolut factory."
"If that ain't Sinister, who is it?" someone asked.
"Aw, just a mime," the Translator replied. Several more
people made some not-so-subtle trips to the bathroom. The
Translator sighed. "Just get on with the presentation, wouldya,
Harpo?"
The mime took a deep bow, and handed the Translator an
imaginary flower. She rolled her eyes.
"He says thank you."
The mime waved hello to the audience.
"Hi."
He extended his arms, then contorted himself into a series
of positions that looked like a dyslexic trying to do the YMCA.
"Welcome to the 1998 Comic-Book Fanfiction Awards."
The mime flapped his arms, then pretended to eat
something, then spun around a few times.
"He's trying to open with a joke. Don't worry about it.
It's not funny."
Suddenly, there was a loud clatter and the distinctive
sound of someone being hit in the gut with the butt of a gun.
Another white-faced figure appeared on the stage.
"You!" she hissed venomously.
The mime grinned, and outstretched his arms for a hug.
"You're going down, Beppo!" Domino screamed,
launching herself at him. The mime, suddenly sensing danger,
dashed off the other end of the stage. Domino ran after him.
One of the security guards ran across the stage after the both
of them.
The Translator stood on the stage by herself, look
somewhat bemused. "Well," she said, half to herself. "That
was special." She glanced out into the audience.
"Make something up!" Kielle was mouthing furiously
from the front row.
"Oh. Okay." She took a deep breath, and stepped behind
the podium. "Hi. Um, well... Sorry about the mime. So what
are we doing again?"
"Best X-Force Story," Kielle promptly.
"Oh! Okay, I can do that." She brushed her shaggy
brown hair out of her face. "Hi, folks, I'm Desert Nomad.
Although I occasionally dabble in other genres, X-Force is my
fav. I know it's not as popular as some other books, but I
blame that on its lack of funky-accented, smoking, tough-guy
characters. All in all, though, this has been a great year for X-
Force fanfiction. We've had such classics as DuAnn's 'Just
Lucky, I Guess.' We got ol' Shatty's past explained to us in
Leary's 'Shatterstar, Warrior Born.' We got a cool vision of the
future in Samy Merchi's 'Shadows Of The Future.' Plus, many
more. Who wants to see the clips?"
Silence reigned supreme.
"Aw, c'mon, someone wants to see the clips."
More silence.
"Anyone?"
"I wanna see the clips!" Impar Vi finally yelled.
"Thank you!" Desert Nomad replied. "Hey, Falstaff,
could you get the projector?"
"Sure thing!"
There were a few odd sounds as Falstaff set it up, and a
few more odd sounds as Abyss threw one of his slippers at
Impar. Finally, Falstaff flashed Desert Nomad a thumbs up.
"Someone hit the lights?"
Bones took this as a hint to shoot Prism. Not that anyone
minded. There were as many broken Prisms hanging around
the Subreality Cafe as whole ones. Tapestry turned off the
lights.
"Okay, I made this myself," Nomad explained. "It's just
sort of a general overview, I'll get to the nominees in a few."
The projector whirred to life. The tape was the old grainy
style, like the opening credits of The Wonder Years.
"Norwegian Wood" played in the background. Someone held
a sheet of notebook paper on which was written "The Year In
X-Force Fanfiction." After a few seconds, it disappeared.
"Okay, this first clip is from one of my stories, 'It's Too
&*%^ Hot in Here.' Y'know. The Slip'n'Slide story."
["Have you seen, the uh... Slip'n'Slide?"
"The what?"
Bobby licked his lips nervously. "Y'know. The
Slip'n'Slide."
"You know," Tabby interrupted. "The Slip'n'Slide. The
one you bought us back when we were in the X-Terminators.
After we promised not to tell Jean about--"
"Oh, THAT Slip'n'Slide! Oh, geez. What do you want
that thing for?"
"We're hot."
"We've got a perfectly good lake to swim in." Six pairs of
eyes stared at the lake. Then back at Scott Summers.
"With all due respect, Senor Summers," Ric started,
"There are things living in that lake that could fend off the
Dark Riders."]
The video continued, segueing into a city scene.
[Rictor found an officer about his size sitting outside the
building taking a coffee break.
"Hey, officer! There are some hookers over on
Brunswick Avenue!" Rictor said to him.
"Go away, kid. I'm not expected to go all the way to
Brunswick Avenue to arrest some hookers on my coffee
break," said the officer with annoyance.
"But I know a shortcut you could take."
"Really? Where?" asked the gullible officer.
"Through this dark, seedy alley over here!"
The gullible immigration officer on a coffee break
followed Rictor into the dark, seedy alley, where Rictor beat
him up quietly and traded clothes with him.]
"Ahh, I love that one," Desert Nomad sighed. "Okay,
that was my absolute favorite scene from Red Monster's 'X-
Force: The New Breed.' What a poignantly brilliant existential
satire on the state of human conditions as portrayed through
the medium of fanfiction and graphic novels. I think."
The next scene was down in the sewers.
["Wish us luck!" Sam hollers, then leaps into the portal
everyone else has gone through. The trio looks at him as he
disappears into the light.
"They're not kids anymore, are they?" Kurt says softly to
his old friend, Ororo, both now leaders of their own respective
teams.
"No, they're not." Storm responds with her usual royal
air. "They haven't been for a long time."
Then they both turn around sharply to hear sounds of
unlocking bolts and locks, and finally feet running in water.
"SAM!! Wait just a damn minute here!!" Cable runs down the
corridor to the Morlock tunnels, carrying an enormous rifle,
while holding a towel around the waist of his soaking body. As
he rushes at the closing portal, Nightcrawler sticks out his tail
in a nonchalant manner, causing Nathan to dive head-first into
the sewer trash.
"Oops -- clumsy me." Kurt smiles dimly, "...and you right
out of the shower, too." ]
"That's was from Leary's 'New Mutants: Class Reunion.'
As a side note, folks, it's better than that stupid limited series.
Much better."
The video continued, although 'Norwegian Wood' had run
out, and 'Heart Of Glass' had started up. This time, Cable and
Domino shot violently at a myriad of enemies, Shatterstar
jumped around and stabbed people with his sword, Meltdown
yelled some feminist maxims and Sunspot explained his
powers.
Our Hostess scratched her head. "I have no idea what
that's from. Frankly, it could be anything. Sorry. Okay, this
next clip is the opening to another one of my favs, Samy
Merchi's 'Shadows Of The Future:"
["This is Blue Team. We're in position."
"Green Team in position. Tho' Wade's goofin' off as
usual."
"Red Team here. We've got him in sight, guys."
"White Team standing by. Lock X-Wings into attack
positions."
"ILLYANA!"]
"I love a good Star Wars joke. Okay, our next clip is
from another classic: DuAnn's 'Just Lucky, I Guess.'"
["Hey, everybody, what's up?"
Shatterstar answered "We were discussing Cable's
disposition this morning. It seems that some of us" he
motioned toward Tabitha and Bobby "consider him a
'hardhat.'"
Rictor broke in, smiling. "HardASS, 'Star."
Shatterstar snorted. "Whatever. In any case, I disagree.
On my world, I underwent much harsher training when I was
only a child."
Tabitha looked at him over her sunglasses. "Yeah, and
look how well you turned out."]
"And now, our final bit, from Smitty's 'Strange
Happenings,' a short quote that pretty much sums up this year
in X-Force:
["Is there a way to solve this without violence?"
Everyone kind of looked at each other.
"Ric," Tab explained, gently, "this is X-Force. NO. We
do not do anything without violence."]
Finally, the tape ground to a halt. Desert Nomad stared
out at her audience, most of whom were sawing logs quite
vocally. She sighed. "Oh my God! It's Rob Liefeld!"
Everyone awoke with a start, and there were a few shrieks of
terror. Two Cables and a Cannonball made for the Mens'
Room. "Oops, false alarm. Okay, now for the part of the
ceremony you've all been waiting for: the winner. Well, the
nominees are: 'Class Reunion' by Leary, 'It's Too %&^$# Hot
in Here!' by me, Desert Nomad, 'Just Lucky I Guess' by DuAnn
Cowart, 'The New Breed' by Red Monster, 'The Operation
Reciprocity' series by Samy Merchi, 'Promise' by Alicia
McKenzie, 'Shatterstar: Warrior Born,' again, by Leary, and
finally, 'Winds Of Change' by Scott Kruse & Robin Alarcon.
"I'd like to start off by saying that these are all great
stories, and congratulations to their authors. X-Force
fanfiction is a tough field to work in, trust me, I know, and you
guys are the best. It's a shame you can't all win. And as a final
note before I announce the winner, I'd like to say a big, giant
thank you to all X-Force writers out there. Unlike every other
genre out there, I'm proud to say that we haven't had a single
fanboy/girl with godlike superpowers who swoons all over all
members of the opposite gender. You guys are the greatest.
And now -- the winner."
She waved the envelope, and pulled at the flap. Someone
with a sense of humor had licked it. She started to rip it open,
and gave herself a papercut. This never happens in the Oscars,
she thought to herself, as she finally removed the little card-
thingie.
"And the winner is-- me! For "It's To %&^$# Hot in
Here!" Aw, you guys are the greatest! Okay, I guess I need a
hokey acceptance speech. Here goes: I wanna thank my big
sis, who bought me my first comic book, Marvel comics for
putting out such great stuff, and my pal Alison, who'd die if she
knew she was being mentioned, but whose Slip'n'Slide inspired
my story. I love all you guys..."
She trailed off as Domino's voice echoed through the
Cafe.
"I KNOW you're in there, so come out, RIGHT NOW!"
All heads turned to where she was standing impatiently outside
the Mens' Room. "That's it! Fire in the hole!"
KATHOOM!!!!
Desert Nomad sighed. "I guess I'll be owing you a new
door, Kielle. That's all, folks. Enjoy your evening."
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Author's Notes: Okay, remember at the end of CBS
Storybook Specials (I know y'all used to watch 'em, so don't
deny it.) they used to show the book you'd just seen and tell
you to go get it at your local library? Well, here's that same
message! Did you like any of those clips from the movie? The
titles of those nominees sound good? All those stories can be
found right here on the Internet at:
Fire In The Hole, my X-Force page:
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Cavern/9693
Lori's X-Men Page: http://web2.spydernet.com/lori/x-men.htm
the Shifting Sands: http://shifting-
sands.la.ca.us/~darqstar/ffindex.htm
and Samy's Bachelor Pad: http://www.utu.fi/~samerc/
Go for it, and tell those poor, abused writers what you think!
Better yet, write your own story! Try it, you'll like it!
And now: Ye Olde Disclaimers:
The Subreality Cafe is property of Kielle. Kielle, Falstaff,
Patrick Sahlstrom, Impar Vi, Abyss, Bones, Tapestry, and, of
course, Desert Nomad are property of themselves. Abyss's
slippers are property of himself. All stories mentioned and
story excerpts are property of their respective authors. X-
Force, X-Men, Gen X, the Marauders etc. and all related
characters are property of Marvel Comics. "Norwegian Wood"
is property of the Beatles. "Heart of Glass" is property of
Blondie. The mime is property of Desert Nomad. "The Year In
X-Force Fanfiction," directed by Kerrie "Desert Nomad"
Smith, and filmed by Greg Darone, can be obtained by sending
$29.95 to-- never mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~
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