My Favorite Dilbert Lines from 2008, 2009, and 2010
Tad Ashlock
here are my favorite Dilbert one-liners from 2008, 2009, and 2010.
Enjoy!
Tad
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2008-01-11 I can come back later if you need time to concoct
additional uninformed criticisms.
2008-01-16 You have the stink of unimportance.
2008-01-19 I'm getting better at finding tenuous connections to hope.
2008-01-20 My project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss
donated his brain to a gum museum.
2008-01-20 If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a
sign of mental imbalance.
2008-01-20 My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly.
2008-01-21 This week I functioned as an incubator of innovations for
contributions to the value chain.
2008-01-21 It doesn't count unless it hurts.
2008-01-23 Don't let your lack of knowledge interfere with my
brilliance. Don't touch the keyboard, don't offer opinions and don't
breathe so loudly that I can hear it.
2008-01-28 I'll give you an hour to dither before I badger you into
making the correct decision.
2008-02-08 How can you have a five-year plan when you don't know what
will happen in five minutes?
2008-02-13 I will do the heavy thinking while each of you performs
your usual duties as obstacles to progress.
2008-02-22 If the framistan starts to gabol, just purge the cache
within sixty seconds and the servers won't explode.
2008-02-23 Would you say you worship Satan, or do you simply respect
his no-nonsense approach to discipline?
2008-02-24 Criticism completes me.
2008-02-28 I would appreciate it if you didn't build effigies of me
out of coffee supplies.
2008-03-02 Do you want the long answer that you won't understand
because you possess neither the experience nor the education needed?
Or the dismissive and insulting answer that has the advantage of being
quick?
2008-03-02 Your idea is dumber than snake mittens.
2008-03-16 Your philosophy is better suited for rock carving than web
design. Do you have any wise sayings that involve churning your own
butter, or putting saddles on dinosaurs?
2008-03-18 My pessimistic coworkers have crushed my soul. Now I am
nothing but meat with clothes.
2008-03-21 Is there a company sponsored program for regrowing my lost
soul?
2008-03-24 Q: Are you happy? A: I didn't know happy was an option.
2008-03-30 Congratulations. You're the first human to fail the turing
test.
2008-04-01 It's aggressive, but I like that in my coffee makers.
2008-04-03 Do you have any tasks that don't feel like getting
waterboarded on your birthday?
2008-04-14 I need to punch you until we both forget what happened
here.
2008-04-19 You leave me no choice but to give you the stink eye.
2008-05-01 Quality is my global added value!
2008-05-05 You emit the musky scent of failure. Women can detect that
sort of thing.
2008-05-08 Studies have shown that accurate numbers aren't any more
useful than the ones you make up.
2008-05-09 You've crushed my dreams of a better tomorrow. Now my life
is a cold, wet slide to oblivion.
2008-05-18 Allow me to mention that a monkey's seat cushion has better
views than what I'm looking at right now.
2008-06-05 My helplessness makes my uselessness seem unimportant.
2008-06-06 Do you have any questions to betray your ignorance?
2008-06-10 You might think this is my fault, but in actuality it is
all caused by poor regulatory oversight.
2008-06-16 I've decided to gossipsize you. I'm spreading vicious
rumors about you until you feel compelled to quit.
2008-06-22 Retirement is for losers.
2008-06-24 I'll send you a link to a widget that shows the temperature
in satan's fireplace. When it hits 32 degrees fahrenheit, I'll get
right on it.
2008-07-07 I find your specifications to be vague and uncompelling.
They are a breeding ground for ennui.
2008-07-12 How long does it take to learn how to be less useful?
2008-07-13 I use experience to answer questions without the burden of
knowledge.
2008-07-18 I'm promoting you to vice president of making employees
feel miserable and helpless.
2008-07-19 Here's a chart that shows the sort of women that are
attracted to men at various salary ranges. Trophy wives are at the
top, obviously, and down in your range we have the carnival skanks.
2008-07-20 Whoa, what just happened? Is it my imagination, or did I
just win this conversation?
2008-07-27 My only hope is that I'm in one of those hidden camera
shows and this is all a big joke.
2008-08-08 Technically you aren't crooks, just optimists.
2008-08-08 If you hear a whistling noise, that would be your soul
escaping through your nose.
2008-08-13 I realized my current job is like a dung beetle trying to
mate with an epileptic cow.
2008-09-03 Stop making mediocrity sound bad.
2008-09-10 Why do I suddenly feel as if my boat is sinking and someone
nailed an anchor to my head?
2008-09-11 I lost my intellectual curiosity just in time.
2008-09-13 I put the curse of competence on your firstborn son!
2008-09-19 You sound like an asthmatic rhinoceros rampaging a cracker
festival.
2008-09-21 If you ever need to talk to someone, I know a good shrink.
He can prescribe pills that will make you feel self-employed.
2008-09-25 If it weren't stupid, you wouldn't need me to tell you to
do it.
2008-10-08 You seem a bit unclear on the whole bu-wa-ha-ha concept.
2008-10-17 I am stepping down as ceo so I can spend more time with the
money I stole from this hellhole.
2008-10-18 If I give a man a fish, he will eat for one day. But if I
inspire him by my opulent lifestyle and my squiring of supermodels, he
might try harder.
2008-10-25 Your plan is a hodgepodge of unwarranted optimism encased
in an impenetrable fortress of buzzwords.
2008-10-26 I hesitate to use the word "genius," but I won't protest if
others do.
2008-10-27 Your project is not sexy. I'm transferring all of your
funding to a project that totally arouses me.
2008-10-28 We need a plan for making our plan. Then we need to plan
the plan's planny plan.
2008-10-29 Some people see me as a loser who achieves nothing. In
reality I am a winner who knows how to set realistic goals.
2008-11-02 After I stopped caring about my job performance, it was a
slippery slope to complete sociopathy. It's a liberating feeling. I
can't remember the last time I felt bad.
2008-11-04 My cubicle destroyed my illusion of free will.
2008-11-09 I want my unwarranted optimism back.
2008-11-19 The only things that should be in your mind during meetings
are soul-crushing boredom and a futility headache.
2008-11-23 I called this meeting and it's not a meeting until
someone's time gets wasted!
2008-11-28 But remember, it's always the darkest before the undead
feast on your flesh.
2008-12-12 We're going to change our focus... from pretending to make
good products, to pretending to be solvent.
2008-12-16 You have my word that you could never appear less valuable
than you are now.
2008-12-22 I'm working as a scapegoat for my department. Someday I
hope to be a scapegoat for the entire company.
2008-12-25 The best things in life are free, so I got you this.
2008-12-28 Do what I do and channel your irrational impulse to be
useful into an unquenchable thirst for coffee.
----------
2009-01-09 That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So please
slap me in my fat, bald head.
2009-01-12 I hired an acting coach to teach you how to hang around
the office pretending to be useful.
2009-01-14 Being worthless at work is only hard for the first ten
years. After that, it's a lifestyle.
2009-01-16 I'm discovering that honest and helpful are a bad
combination.
2009-01-26 I'm not stressed about being out of work because I have my
investments. Let's see how they... GAAAA!!!
2009-01-28 Wait 'til you hear my tough love speech.
2009-02-19 All I heard was "blah, blah, blah, I'm late."
2009-02-28 It's legal because we're only violating the intent of the
law.
2009-03-02 A misleading benchmark test can accomplish in minutes what
years of good engineering can never do.
2009-03-03 Sometimes the only point of a meeting is to remind me how
much I hate them.
2009-03-06 A blind squirrel is more likely to find a nut if there are
a lot of blind squirrels.
2009-03-16 Stop failing the Turing test!
2009-03-18 The biggest risk to the project is our own thundering
incompetence.
2009-03-18 It is a known fact that every project has at least one
irredeemable imbecile.
2009-03-20 Your head is where ideas go to die.
2009-03-26 I'll need some wagging room while I tell you how this ties
into my bonus structure.
2009-03-31 I no longer worry about life passing too quickly.
2009-04-08 Excuse me while I stretch my wagger.
2009-04-08 If all else fails... your coworkers are edible
2009-04-09 I spend my entire day forwarding funny e-mails and
lubricating my bowels with coffee.
2009-04-18 Being evil used to mean something.
2009-04-27 If I'm imagining my life, why don't I imagine better
things happening to me?
2009-05-03 It's best for us if we keep you ignorant and angry.
2009-05-04 I guess promiscuity and a G.E.D. was a pretty good
strategy for me after all.
2009-05-07 I had spider glands transplanted into my body so I can
make my own silk garments.
2009-05-08 I once passed a gallstone so big that it became secretary
of labor in the Clinton administration.
2009-05-08 Give me ten minutes and then check Wikipedia.
2009-05-18 I just got my MBA, and I'm here to solve all of your
problems.
2009-05-22 Spreadsheets don't lie, but neither does bat excrement.
2009-05-28 Why does your cooperation sound like insubordination?
2009-06-02 Book some one-on-one meetings for me so I can practice my
new dismissive scoffing sound.
2009-06-04 Try to be less pitchforkable.
2009-06-08 Is there some sort of rule against collecting money for
your own birthday?
2009-06-09 So, while we were doing actual work, you sat in a circle
with a bunch of managers?
2009-06-10 You're like a blister on a skunk's colon.
2009-06-11 The powerful will delegate to the untalented until failure
is achieved.
2009-06-20 I hope to advance from being totally worthless to being
totally worthless and overpaid.
2009-06-27 You shouldn't come to work just for money. You should
come to work to avoid not having any money.
2009-06-29 Wow. That was a lot of evil packed into one sentence.
2009-06-30 Should I rotate the domain protocols so they wear out
evenly?
2009-07-08 You might want to clench your various sphincters so your
soul doesn't escape.
2009-07-09 I shouldn't tell you this, but we model our employee
compensation program after a practical joke.
2009-07-12 The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one
wants is to make it up.
2009-07-26 If we don't get much money we can build something lame,
and compensate for the lack of quality by lying more vigorously than
usual.
2009-08-03 Is it wrong to value my own productivity over the inane
babbling of others?
2009-08-07 According to the Book of Wally, I should use something
called "preemptive guilt" to avoid work.
2009-08-13 Is it okay if I imagine a bear attacking you?
2009-09-01 Your specifications are weak, and so is your kung fu.
2009-09-20 Our revised mission statement is "Forage during daylight.
Hide at night."
2009-09-20 I'll pass out clubs, and you can decide among yourselves
how to downsize by fifty percent.
2009-09-22 When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir
it.
2009-09-26 Moving forward, we'll go after the low-hanging fruit at
the end of the day.
2009-09-27 I ask around to see if anyone knows about a white paper
that talks about a policy for developing procedures to create
policies.
2009-09-27 Stop doing the Jedi mind trick!
2009-09-28 My company is so poor that our only chance of eating
involves throwing office supplies at low-flying birds.
2009-09-28 Our health plan is "screaming."
2009-10-09 We agreed on the predecisional draft framework for making
the decision.
2009-10-11 As you know, a good process is a substitute for good
employees.
2009-10-11 The ultimate goal is to simplify our processes so much
that we can train chickens to do your jobs in return for pellets.
2009-10-19 You're so easily distracted that for all practical
purposes you're nothing but furniture with coffee breath.
2009-10-22 I want to win a humanitarian award. But I don't want to
touch anyone who is sick. Or poor. Or unattractive.
2009-11-01 Are you planning to spend ten minutes explaining why you
don't have five minutes to do this task?
2009-11-01 Experience is just another word for losing hope.
2009-11-05 "Wrong" is one of those concepts that depends on
witnesses.
2009-11-10 Shall we save some time by declaring failure and blaming
each other?
2009-11-24 I decided to twitter because everything that pops into my
head is fascinating.
2009-11-28 Homeland security ordered me to beat you to death with our
emergency preparedness binder.
2009-11-29 If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. And
by kitchen I mean the entire job market. And the gene pool.
2009-11-29 Anguish nourishes me!
2009-12-01 Well, it's not really "selling" if we both win.
2009-12-04 Leaders don't like it when you suggest they wear the
Thimble of Knowledge like a little hat.
2009-12-18 You could try e-mailing me, but I have my spam filter
cranked up to "Taliban."
2009-12-21 It's not really art if no one likes it.
2009-12-29 Has anyone ever explained to you the yes-no form of
questions?
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2010-01-08 Don't make me call myself a genius.
2010-01-09 Let's schedule a scenario-based roundtable discussion
about our enterprise project management. We'll use our infrastructure
survey tool to architect a risk-based tiering system.
2010-01-16 I'm no longer content to be useless at work. I decided to
take up golf so I can be useless on weekends too.
2010-01-30 It's like a bribe, but instead of going to jail, a
stranger will write a bestselling book with your name on it.
2010-02-01 I hired a consultant to raise your morale by making you
glad you're not him.
2010-02-23 I will gladly rush to meet your arbitrary deadline so my
work can sit in your e-mail inbox until next week.
2010-03-05 Now do you agree that evil is the cure for incompetence?
2010-03-13 There's no budget for training, so we'll be relying on
guessing more than usual.
2010-03-14 It can only be operated by a robot from the future who
jacks into it and sends commands in zeros and ones.
2010-03-14 I can't tell if you're agreeing with me or mocking me.
2010-03-16 What's his comprehension level? Are we talking human,
squirrel or anvil?
2010-03-20 You'd be less worthless if you fetched me some coffee.
2010-03-30 Happiness is nature's way of informing human resources
that you're overpaid.
2010-03-31 Leadership is the art of trading imaginary things in the
future for real things today.
2010-04-01 It feels like Satan is licking my brain!
2010-04-03 The great thing about unimportant tasks is that no one
really cares if you do them.
2010-04-04 You'll be okay. Just release the caring. Let it go.
2010-04-07 So, recapping what we know for sure, you're an inadequate
verifier and you can't rule out the possibility that I'm awesome.
2010-04-08 You have a wicked case of sympathetic powerpoint
proboscis. Your nose grows when anyone lies during a business
presentation.
2010-04-11 It's better than legal. We're using the law to keep
justice away!!
2010-04-12 A veterinarian is just like a doctor, but cheaper.
2010-04-19 Do you want a realistic estimate that will ruin your day,
or a lie that will allow your ignorance and your happiness to lock
arms and square dance to the next cubicle?
2010-04-22 We've been doing great since we redefined success as a
slowing of failure.
2010-04-26 I cannot meet your arbitrary deadline, so the engineer's
code requires me to kill myself with a lightsaber.
2010-04-28 Why must I be punished for your incompetence?
2010-05-01 The problem is in the part of your brain that handles
intelligence.
2010-05-04 I hired the dogbert technology hospice service to ease the
suffering of our dying technology.
2010-05-10 I hope you don't mind if I do email during the boring
parts of your meeting. I don't want to be dragged into your time suck
hole.
2010-05-12 How vivid is your false memory of that conversation?
2010-05-16 Some say his talent is a genetic mutation. Others say
that god speaks to him in unix.
2010-05-21 I collected optimistic data, put it in the context of bad
analogies, seasoned it with saliency bias, added herd instinct, a
pinch of confirmation bias... and here's your strategy.
2010-06-04 Rudeness and good time management are the same thing.
2010-06-06 His face looks like a ferret eating a lemon.
2010-06-08 I prefer cake that isn't frosted with the spit of recent
candle-blowing.
2010-06-25 Uh-oh. My audience has fallen into a powerpoint coma.
The only thing I can do now is put them in funny poses and leave.
2010-07-05 I need to get some of that work-life balance I keep
hearing about.
2010-07-21 I'm working hard to upgrade your status from nonexistent
to unimportant.
2010-07-29 The public won't forgive you until you fake some remorse.
2010-08-03 Inefficiency is the same thing as leadership.
2010-08-04 Success is just attendance plus luck.
2010-08-07 In conclusion, I hate my job, I hate my coworkers, and I
hope feral cats eat every one of you.
2010-08-13 You're a third-rate company in a dying industry. I
recommend consultant-assisted corporate suicide.
2010-08-16 Kung fu coffee cup!
2010-08-26 I used to think I wasn't a morning person, but things
never got better after lunch.
2010-08-29 My lunchtime is the only chance I get during the day to
scrape off the leeches.
2010-09-01 According to the anonymous online employee survey, you
don't trust management. What's up with that?
2010-09-15 Our highest priority is satisfying our customers... except
when it is hard... or unprofitable... or we're busy.
2010-09-19 Normally I'd use favoritism, but I don't like either one
of you.
2010-09-20 The elves are getting uppity.
2010-09-23 I am a creative individual who does as he is told.
2010-09-27 What? Sorry. I was using this time to think about
something useful.
2010-10-02 Our ad campaign will portray users of our competitor's
products as baby-eating hobos.
2010-10-03 I hope that means something. All I did was string
together some words I heard in the hallway.
2010-10-05 What do you get when you combine cognitive bias with
inaccurate information? Our business strategy!
2010-10-07 The only thing that would inspire me is finding your
corpse floating in my worst enemy's drinking water.
2010-10-13 It's totally ethical because our customers would do the
same thing to us if they could.
2010-10-16 You worthless bag of meat!
2010-10-25 Tradition requires that every meeting has one buzzword-
babbling idiot.
2010-10-26 Our project plan is so complicated that failure is
assured. But complexity is too abstract for you to manage, so instead
you will spray my energy into the vortex of failure.
2010-10-27 I spend my days clinging to the walls of my fabric-covered
box while being consumed by a vortex of failure.
2010-10-31 Options are only good when other people don't have them.
2010-11-03 I'll bet your left brain is so tiny that you stagger in a
clockwise direction.
2010-11-05 What an engineer can do is rarely what he should do.
2010-11-10 Pounce on the intruder and shake him until his fillings
fall out!
2010-11-16 Are you leveraging our resources to optimize the client
value stream?
2010-11-18 My plan is to act randomly and hope for the best.
2010-11-28 Motivation is how the powerful steal from the dumb.
2010-12-01 Frienditute
2010-12-03 What fantasy will I use today to stave off madness?
2010-12-05 Pretend this is olden times when bosses knew what their
employees did for a living.
2010-12-10 Does my honesty turn you on?
2010-12-14 The only people who will be there are the ones who don't
have anything better to do. I try to avoid people like that.
2010-12-18 Uh-oh. My common sense has wounded your ego and made you
defiant.
2010-12-20 We've had reports of "meeting pirates," taking over
agendas and pillaging credit.
2010-12-22 If I can get sworn statement from everyone here that we
understand your point, will you stop talking?