My Favorite Dilbert Lines from 2006
Tad Ashlock
collected my favorite one-liners.
Please reply with any of your own favorites!
Tad Ashlock
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2006-01-01 I'll need a volunteer to organize everything.
Let's see... which one of you is the woman?
2006-01-09 This job got a lot less stressful once I realized
I hate our customers.
2006-01-16 I bought you a bumper sticker that says you give
money to police charities. Now you can ignore traffic laws
with total impunity.
2006-01-19 Maybe I'm asking the wrong ethicist.
2006-01-22 Analogy police. Come with me.
2006-01-23 Did you ever come to work on Monday and realize
that you forgot how to do your job?
2006-01-25 Less talking, more burping.
2006-01-30 We don't anticipate any management mistakes.
2006-02-01 Hey, I'm not the one who majored in comparative
literature.
2006-02-02 Watch what happens when I just stare at you.
2006-02-05 Are you selling something, or do you have a
horrible defect that isn't apparent?
2006-02-05 Is it so hard to believe that a hot, intelligent,
sane woman would be attracted to a man like you?
2006-02-08 I'm too busy to learn anything about the projects
I'm managing. I barely have enough time to make critical
decisions about them.
2006-02-09 Welcome to Dogbert's School for Zombies and/or
Certified Project Managers.
2006-02-14 Behold the most exciting technical challenge
since the dawn of the microprocessor! I must rub it on my
body before I assign it to you... oooh oooh!
2006-02-21 Apparently there's a biological limit to how many
potato chips I can eat in a 24-hour period.
2006-02-23 I don't bother remembering things I can write
down.
2006-03-02 In time, people learn to stop asking me
questions.
2006-03-06 I'll get on that as soon as I'm done panning for
gold in the water fountain.
2006-03-11 Have you noticed that meetings go smoother
without any knowledge or expertise?
2006-03-18 My purpose is to transport huge quantities of
coffee from the coffee maker to a urinal.
2006-03-19 What is it about me that makes people so
distrusting?
2006-03-25 The spleen of a pig-footed bandicoot
2006-03-26 Put on this dog costume. You're the mascot for
our "Spot" the Safety Hazard campaign.
2006-03-27 Well, I'm no expert, but this is obviously a good
one of these.
2006-03-30 Your resume says you've won the Nobel prize in
marketing, and five Olympic gold medals in the marketing
biathlon.
2006-04-01 All it needs is a set of Angelina Jolie lips and
everyone will love it.
2006-04-02 E.E.H.G. -- Explosive Ear Hair Growth.
2006-04-17 Your plan looks like it was written by a drunken
lemur as a practical joke on other drunken lemurs.
2006-04-17 Today I learned that people don't like drunken
lemur analogies.
2006-04-19 Gaaa!!! The stupidity is leaping off the page
and burrowing into my brain!!!
2006-04-19 Does anyone around here know how to say a simple
"this won't work"?
2006-04-23 Your job title will be "Director of Unnecessary
and Special Projects."
2006-04-29 Please leave your cell phones behind, as well as
anything else that might let you signal for help.
2006-05-11 I don't have a checkbox for that so I'll just
write in "loser."
2006-05-25 Now... I know how much you hate the phrase "in
lieu of a raise"...
2006-06-04 This calls for some generic leadership.
2006-06-11 You'd do it because your coworker asked you to.
2006-06-17 Give me a minute to install my management
listening catheter.
2006-06-26 You can't fit two gallons in a thimble no matter
how fast you pour.
2006-07-07 I'm reasonably certain that "smartology" isn't a
real major.
2006-07-15 For a nitpicker, you sure dress poorly.
2006-07-30 I'm playing budget chicken with the director of
operations.
2006-08-12 The nemesis function used to be handled
informally. Now it's a profession, kind of like project
management.
2006-09-01 We can kick a field goal in the ninth inning if
we use a full-court press.
2006-09-01 Remember that you drive for show but you pick up
the spare for dough.
2006-09-11 You take the joy out of delegating.
2006-09-17 If you aren't willing to punch a coworker for a
chair, you don't belong in this business.
2006-09-20 There's really no point in listening to other
people. They're either going to be agreeing with you or
saying stupid stuff.
2006-10-07 Use the plunger of blame. It's the latest
technology for randomly distributing blame.
2006-10-08 He is like a Zen master. His words are peppered
with squirrel-related wisdom.
2006-10-10 Eventually your body will absorb the plunger of
blame and turn it into the wrinkles of experience.
2006-10-18 One day I realized that sadness is just another
word for not enough coffee.
2006-10-19 Are you naked or am I developing X-ray vision?
2006-10-21 Thanks to coffee, I can levitate objects with my
mind.
2006-10-22 Try giving up hope. It turns the bad feeling
into emptiness.
2006-10-26 I worry that all of my wisdom is derived from bad
analogies.
2006-10-27 I want to debate with people on the Internet but
I worry that I'm not smart enough.
2006-10-29 I want to inspire my employees to work harder,
without motivating them to seek better jobs.
2006-11-01 Our new product is worthless, much like yourself.
They figured you'd have some insight.
2006-11-15 I once used too much fake tanning spray and the
next thing I knew, Brad and Angelina adopted me.
2006-11-16 Is this a "neener-neener" situation or more of a
"who's your daddy?"?
2006-11-17 Is it too late for me to bail out before this
project becomes a blight on my career?
2006-11-18 Would you mind not exhaling so much in my office?
2006-11-20 I don't like to judge people by their looks, but
I'm going to make an exception for you.
2006-11-26 Why don't we jump on a fad that hasn't already
been widely discredited? That way the false hope might
sustain us.
2006-11-30 This would be humiliating if I had any friends.
2006-12-05 If something is worth having, it's worth abusing.
2006-12-08 It can't be that hard. Go figure it out.
2006-12-10 Everyone wants to talk to my supervisor.
2006-12-12 Always remember that you may not use your powers
in front of the ungifted.
2006-12-15 Sorry I'm late. I had to drown a burrito.
2006-12-24 You must use your power of low standards.
2006-12-28 Vlad is here to tell us why it's so important to
donate blood.
Walter Traprock
> collected my favorite one-liners.
Yes, Scott, we're convinced we need the latest Dilbert strip
collection, I see it was released back in Oct 2006 and I never
even noticed! Stupid bookstores!