Re: Jack Handey

[Will Dockery]

Classic collection!

"Hell Stomper" <stardu...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:b47d7330-267c-4d10...@w3g2000yqe.googlegroups.com...
> I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
> fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
> ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a
> documentary.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
> pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name
> on it.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
> even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
> you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
> it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
> reading a magazine.
> - Jack Handey
>
> As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to
> school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for
> school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well,
> while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
> it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
> teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
> the vulture.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and
> prejudices and just laugh at people.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
> you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it
> on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
> you.
> - Jack Handey
>
> One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
> with a wooden stake.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think
> a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me,
> it's not.
> - Jack Handey
>
> There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something
> as simple as a pack of wolves.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
> looking through your stuff.
> - Jack Handey
>
> For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add
> a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
> - Jack Handey
>
> If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
> peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
> then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
> - Jack Handey
>
> Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
> each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got
> scared.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
> Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
> sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of
> fur.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas
> and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked
> anyway; that's my point.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back
> with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls
> over, is like the top thing you can do.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
> someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be
> acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was
> probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how
> to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means
> something.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was
> in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate
> for help," she could do it.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
> professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How
> do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just
> walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to
> me.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on
> walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come
> sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
> - Jack Handey
>
> He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess
> that's what I hated about him.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I
> think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to
> frighten the dogs.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp,
> catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I
> think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
> - Jack Handey
>
> It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible
> world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the
> Invisible Scary Skeletons.
> - Jack Handey
>
> The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned
> against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
> never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling
> lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of
> a monorail.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
> that I forgot to put on my pants.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they
> can't hypnotize you.
> - Jack Handey
>
> The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to
> be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster
> fireman.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than
> any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I
> stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When
> the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy,
> did I have a lot to learn.
> - Jack Handey
>
> It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would
> be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
> - Jack Handey
>
> When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal
> alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs
> on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think
> people should make you feel that way.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
> most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
> territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not
> to laugh. Girls are funny.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their
> sins.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if
> some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go,
> "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?".
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party,
> do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of
> the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body
> and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I
> think it'd work.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man
> is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as
> similar as you might think.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up
> like Bozo.
> - Jack Handey
>
> In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in
> still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll
> always be known as screw-boys.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that
> dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and
> higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept
> bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says
> that is a goddamn liar.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if
> he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a
> "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I
> like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with
> the program!
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer
> effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to
> hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying
> example of the reindeer effect."
> - Jack Handey
>
> If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
> got to be a better way.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived
> through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was
> finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli
> Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the
> dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start
> eating everybody. That Alien!
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like
> "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
> because, man, they're gone.
> - Jack Handey
>
> To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
> you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
> hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
> the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
> farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
> - Jack Handey
>
> Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
> flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
> beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
> painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
> (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
> - Jack Handey
>
> Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
> "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
> we all be brothers?
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
> that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I
> was thinking about doing that anyway.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
> forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
> - Jack Handey
>
> It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
> guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
> rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
> - Jack Handey
>
> As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
> again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
> bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
> And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
> it.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
> my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
> it's just eggs hatching.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
> the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
> - Jack Handey
>
> What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
> and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
> drunk?
> - Jack Handey
>
> And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
> stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
> sleep.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
> it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a
> regular window.
> - Jack Handey
>
> During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
> putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
> corner."
> - Jack Handey
>
> If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
> I am now.
> - Jack Handey
>
> When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
> the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
> started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
> all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
> I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
> whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off
> the paint.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
> anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
> extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
> that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage
> guy.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
> dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look
> out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
> - Jack Handey
>
> Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for
> yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly
> Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person
> who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air.
> But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm
> afraid some people might actually think that.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
> a lot of money."
> - Jack Handey
>
> The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
> watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
> skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
> is reserved for skeletons."
> - Jack Handey
>
> If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
> courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
> - Jack Handey
>
> When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't
> stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
> - Jack Handey
>
> It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
> man.
> - Jack Handey
>
> One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
> take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
> burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He
> cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a
> pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
> it was getting pretty late.
> - Jack Handey
>
> A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then
> you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear
> that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
> - Jack Handey
>
> Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd
> ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and
> forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high
> rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and
> not even feel it.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun
> in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-
> aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering
> iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I
> could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering
> iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed,
> because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I
> could probably hit them up for a free drink.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
> always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they
> would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big
> hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're
> an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been
> turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces,
> wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call
> you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
> again, bat man."
> - Jack Handey
>
> Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
> spin real fast and freak everybody out.
> - Jack Handey
>
> The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had
> any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and
> filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other
> children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.
> Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too
> much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down
> and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these
> people.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both
> Dracula AND Superman away.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more
> planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
> why several of us died of tuberculosis.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
> itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
> "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and
> that's why so is mankind.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they
> don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
> some good ideas.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
> him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I
> helped skin Bob."
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
> is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash
> stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and
> go, "What was THAT?!"
> - Jack Handey
>
> The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
> face.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can
> bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little
> tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be
> like ambition.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I'd rather be rich than stupid.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
> conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't
> think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
> screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man,
> I guess I'm a coward.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
> culture, is the story of Popeye.
> - Jack Handey
>
> When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
> they ever press charges.
> - Jack Handey
>
> To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
> choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
> - Jack Handey
>
> What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
> save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
> - Jack Handey
>
> We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
> them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
> striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
> was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
> pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
> - Jack Handey
>
> To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
> wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
> went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
> - Jack Handey
>
> As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
> was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,
> but A HUMAN HEAD!!
> - Jack Handey
>
> Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
> painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can
> make a child look like a deer.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
> down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
> head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
> - Jack Handey
>
> You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
> make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
> diarrhea.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
> calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
> doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
> what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
> the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
> usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
> gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
> keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we
> build to that.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
> you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
> hey, free dummy.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
> neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
> because what is that thing.
> - Jack Handey
>
> He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
> made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
> disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
> dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging,
> he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
> - Jack Handey
>
> The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to
> me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was
> - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there
> were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as
> we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
> called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went
> home. I guess some things never leave you.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
> is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
> thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
> - Jack Handey
>
> Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
> world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark
> riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
> they see.
> - Jack Handey
>
> As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
> said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
> write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
> saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And
> I thought I was lazy!
> - Jack Handey
>
> One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
> take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
> burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
> cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
> good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
> getting pretty late.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
> think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
> wrong, though. It's Hambone.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
> what her dinner tasted like.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
> town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
> - Jack Handey
>
> As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
> I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he
> was, and how I named him Flint.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
> real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
> instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
> fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
> - Jack Handey
> If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
> friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
> pretend you were swimming.
> - Jack Handey
>
> When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
> we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat
> one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman
> was a bear.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him
> it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
> - Jack Handey
>
> The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
> - Jack Handey
>
> When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
> pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not,
> mmmmmmm, boy.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
> called an enemy planet.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
> should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already
> have.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
> and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
> quick and give it to him.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
> First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a
> swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate
> for life?
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay
> to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is
> funny.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I
> bet that will really throw you into a panic.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
> something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe
> me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
> shrink is our friend.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder
> weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you
> could shoot beer out of you nose.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
> children's children, because I don't think children should be having
> sex.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
> freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large
> rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they
> were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
> - Jack Handey
>
> It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.
> But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap
> snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
> throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how
> stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
> grenade at them.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
> - Jack Handey
>
> The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
> large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
> And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh,
> you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob
> of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
> - Jack Handey
>
> Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit
> from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but
> you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick,
> but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the
> pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife
> beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you
> to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking
> Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
> - Jack Handey
>
> Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
> with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no
> civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I
> think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this
> highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window
> into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get
> struck on the head by a bolt.
> - Jack Handey
>
> The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked
> hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't
> pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did,
> which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot
> out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the
> volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went
> broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there
> weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's
> bills were real high.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
> everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to
> stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket
> Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then
> everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over
> to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that
> loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a
> petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby
> duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming
> underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join
> them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar
> like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat
> is good for parties.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money
> for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go
> out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked
> what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say,
> "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke,
> huh.
> - Jack Handey
>
> A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
> bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
> then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then
> start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of
> guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you
> tell them it was just a joke.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran
> up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just
> kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human
> emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you
> kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is
> generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
> puppet.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull"
> that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at
> first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and
> worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to
> wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited,
> and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some
> salve on it? You call that dull?
> - Jack Handey
>
> I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That
> was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
> "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time,"
> Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back
> and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head
> back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
> the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
> it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
> ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
> let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
> "Boy, these are good cigars!"
> - Jack Handey
>
> I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what
> was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team,
> aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You
> made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your
> helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
> steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
> tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was
> saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of
> this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
> can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
> - Jack Handey
>
> If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-
> Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not
> the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other
> hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the
> trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of
> control.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
> nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd
> spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
> it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all
> thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
> - Jack Handey
>
> Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious
> old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone
> about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.
> Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes
> story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This
> story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
> thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was
> over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long
> after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good
> movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was
> going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
> destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the
> eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something,
> but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and
> everyone would get a good laugh.
> - Jack Handey
>
> I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark
> and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut
> the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby
> shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's
> a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---
> something like that.
> - Jack Handey