Mar 18, 2022, 5:39:55 PM3/18/22
The "There's gunna be a Rumble" Battle Royal.
(Part of the ongoing "Hollywood Map to the Stars" trilogy.)
I: The Prank
OK. I am not a member of 'Fight Club'. One exists. It has for many, many, years. Since at least 570 ad.
It was founded by the person known as King Arthur today. You may 'Huzzah'.
This starts as a prank. A rather good one. I came up with it.
That prank involved Buddy Hackett, most of the Tonight Show, Peter O'Toole, Steven Wright, Faye Dunaway, and Don Rickles. Also, last and least, Rodney Dangerfield. It was designed by the author of the work you are reading. Although some of the tech was in existence, such as satellite dishes.
I telepathically communicated the elements of this prank to Johnny Carson, one night on the show when he was hosting Rodney Dangerfield in 1981.
Buddy Hackett had been itching for years to guest host 'The Tonight Show'. In 1980 he even wanted to armwrestle Johnny Carson for a guest host spot.
Johnny one night called Buddy and said, "Would you like to guest host tomorrow?" Buddy flew all the way from Atlantic City for the chance. At 4 pm he arrived at The Burbank Studios, the home of 'The Tonight Show'. Ed McMahon with a golf hat and a small bag of clubs greeted him, encouraged him, and said "You'll do a great job, check the stage desk drawer on the left for some hooch."
Buddy went upstairs, had a shot of Jack Daniels, and toasted "To Frank!"
Dah dah dahh dahhhh dahh…
So Buddy steps out of the curtains and flips the audience 'the bird'. Things devolve from there. Dangerfield is out in the audience, and he hollers "Where the fuck's Johnny?!" Buddy yells, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Rodney leaves.
Buddy is a crowd-pleaser though. So he hollers "Fuck the monologue, I wanna get Faye Dunaway out here, She's NUTS!" The crowd roars. The phone rings, Buddy yells "That's Peter O'Toole on the phone. Fucker is sick… SICK DRUNK!" He strides over into Hollywood history.
"Hey Pete. Yah went to the fucking Clown Room. Serves yah right." and he hangs up.
Let's get that weirdo out here.
Steven Wright does a priceless 10 minute stand-up routine. Some of his greatest: his psychotherapist, his existential concerns, his relationship with God, and of course this one… "A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
Steve's sittin' there. Buddy sez, "I don't even wanna talk to you" and yells… "Bring fucking Rickles out!"
'The Matador' starts playing. Don parades out in his inimitable style. Unlike usual at this point in his career, he's elected to do some standup and starts insulting the crowd like at his Vegas gig. He calls one a jagoff, he calls another a butthead, he slings and burns about 15 people based on them, their wives, or any family members they might have. Then he turns to Hackett, and says to Doc Severinsen "Where the fuck's Johnny and who let the Gargoyle in?" Buddy jumps outta his chair and he and Don circle each other like pitbulls getting ready to throw. Then all bonhomie, he indicates the guest chair, puts his arm around Don's shoulder, and says "I love yah Don, welcome to the show."
Don sits down, they start to talk about some old friends, Don tells a story about being locked out of his house in his underwear and getting the cops called on him by the new neighbors. Buddy sez, "You want some hooch?" pulls a fifth of Jameson Irish Whiskey out, Lifts it, and says "Fuck you, Johnny!" downs about 1/3 of it. hands it to Don, who follows suit, and Don passes it to Steven who says "Really?" Buddy yells, "Faye Dunaway's NUTS! You'll want it." Steven's no fool, he douses the rest of the bottle.
Break time. Coffee is served and they first see HER. A figure swaddled in black diaphanous fabric. She looked like a Nazgûl, a ghost, dark, a face but not visible, like drifting mystic robes. REALLY scary. She's in the wings. She's Faye Dunaway's +1.
Her name is Jacqueline Malouf. She was and often is a friend of John Wayne's. Nobody knew that until after the Northridge Quake-signaled Battle Royal.
So the commercial ends. Faye Dunaway walks out, kind of hounded looking, like someone's behind her, like Lorre at the end of 'M'. The shrouded figure can ALMOST be seen right behind the curtain as she steps out.
She stands dead center on stage, and says "YOU ALL ARE DOOMED!"
Then she walks over to the chair and sits down. Don drinks his coffee while rattling the saucer.
She sits, looks off to her right and waves furtively.
Buddy is chewing on a pencil like a bone. Steven is perched on the edge of his chair.
She sits between Steven and Don even though she could take the chair by the desk.
Buddy recovers. "Faye, How are you?" said warmly.
Faye looks at Buddy and says. "You're an asshole, where the fuck's Johnny?"
Buddy yells, "Get the fuck outta here!"
She exits, but not before the camera catches a glimpse of HER!
Buddy really didn't wanna screw around with a sketch, knowing he'd be drunk. He recovers quickly, says, "The question of the night seems to be Where The Fuck's Johnny." I've prepared a series of diagrams to indicate. And he walks over to a modified Art Fern (Johnny's crooked huckster) stand with an easel with big placards of which the exposed one says "Where the Fuck's Johnny!"
Buddy gets behind the counter. Leans his hands on the counter. Cleans off the prints with his tie. Then, pulls down the card to reveal a picture of Johnny with several dark haired hairy short muscular Serbian dudes massaging him. The caption which Buddy reads, says "Cheating on the wife."
Then, he pulls down the next card. Same picture. "Still cheating on the wife."
Next card. A picture of Ed McMahon in boxers with a case of Budweiser half dusted on a crapass endtable, half-crocked in his chair. "Getting Pizza." As with all photos the faces are obviously cropped in.
Then Buddy blows kisses at the crowd, says "Have a great night everyone! I just did. Get me the flock outta here!"
An SR-71 pilot is waiting for him at Burbank Airport.
On his way down the stairs to his Tonight Show limo, he took a puff of cannabis, he had suffered migraines in the past and had a savvy lawyer. It was legal for him to smoke then as long as it was not imported. About then the next flight down the stairs an usher said, "Buddy, Johnny is on the phone for you." That usher was Sean Connery in disguise.
"Buddy! I heard yah did a great job, catch the ferry (what the Tonight Show staff called the SR-71) back to Atlantic City and we'll discuss your complimentary video of tonight's show tomorrow. Can I call you at Los Amigos during happy hour?" Los Amigos was Buddy's favorite Mexican food place and watering hole. He was a regular.
"Johnny, sounds terrific, I'll be there about 5:30. 8:30 your time."
So Buddy went back to Caesar's, did his 11:20 set, and caught the last bit of his show on his suite's television set.
Next day he sleeps late, at 10a he runs some errands, at noon he has brunch, at 3 he lays back in his easy chair and takes a disco nap that he calls 20 winks. Then he grooms himself a bit, and catches a cab to Los Amigos.
"Did you guys see me host The Tonight Show last night?" "Whaddayah mean?" said the bartender, "It was Johnny with Bob Hope, seven trucker ladies, and some comedian. Hold on, lemme answer the phone." He talks on the phone, "It's for you."
"Buddy, it's Johnny! Sorry we tricked you. Armwrestling my ass!"
"Johnny, you're a dick!"
Unbeknownst to Buddy, Johnny was workin' the bar in disguise. It was Ed McMahon on the phone perfectly imitating Johnny's voice.
Just then, the real Johnny, who had been fiddling with the satellite settings after a game said, "Buddy! You're on TV." It was at the point of the taped show where he and Rickles were talking.
Buddy's jaw kinda sagged, then he barked into the phone, "You better fuckin' 'splain this asshole!"
Ed/Johnny said, "That's the feed of the tape on an old weather station out of Chicago. We can show that anywhere with a satellite dish that you can change the settings on. Any time you want unless you pick up the tape. Do yah forgive me? You'll throw great parties."
Buddy thought for a minute or two. He squinted a bit as he did.
"OK. But you gotta come to one of my parties."
Ed/Johnny: "Said, can we consider this a handshake."
Buddy: "Choo got it!"
II: The Lay of the Land
There are three locations that were used for the Battle Royal I'm about to describe. Two were merely where the reinforcements began. Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas, La Bella Cafe - San Diego, and Northridge near Chili's on Reseda. The other locations were merely and I know some of you snicker here, the paths on their journey to Chili's. Harold and Kumar weren't there.
The date was January 17, 1994, it started at 4:30:55a and ended at 3:33p. There was a major aftershock 1 minute after the initial quake at 4:30:55a. as well as the aftershock that ended the 'Battle of Northridge'.
There were two factions. The Greasers and The Blondes. Both fought admirably. The Greasers didn't have a name until they got about halfway up the 101 from Ventura. We'll talk about that later. The Blondes started calling themselves 'The Blondes' within minutes of the first quake. The temporary name of The Greasers (what the Blondes called them) was Those Assholes, You Assholes, and several other expletives that are the rough but quite a bit more colorful equivalents of 'Those Assholes'.
The 101 corridor will often be referred to, it was 'The Road' and the road taken was the 101 Freeway from Ventura to Reseda Blvd.
The Ship... that was later named the "Make Me A Sandwich, Bitch!" was and still is (with major repairs and I mean MAJOR) the Tole Mour from the Channel Islands that that day was on a fishing trip just off San Diego. It was fitted with a giant fiberglass muskie whose tail would wag back and forth and propel the Tole Mour at about 45 mph. One of the superintendants of The Catalina Island Marine Institute would regularly take it to good fishing spots days that it was not in use. It was solar-powered. This WASN'T approved of by the Catalina Island Marine Institute and they would be scandalized by some of the parties he threw. He has since retired. You know him as Arnold Schwarzzenegger, they had a different name for him, two different names actually, he got fired once when he left some kegs on the forecastle deck.
I'll get to the players in a minute. Here's what the first wave (pre-reinforcements) were up to.
Most of the Greasers initial force were going about their day's work in Los Angeles county, with about 150 in Northridge. The Blondes initial force were largely doing the same with about 130 in Northridge, 20 in Santa Clarita, and the others mainly scattered along the 101 corridor. Those numbered about 50 apiece, they in both cases were referred to as 'The Recruits' although some were seasoned Fight Club veterans.
Both sides also had 200 reinforcements: The Greasers from San Diego, The Blondes from Las Vegas.
The Players were as follows…
The Cap'n's: Ed O'Neill & Debi Diamond
The Seconds: Arnold Schwarzzenegger, The Little Drummer Girl
The Standardbearers: Tom Cruise & Trevor Donovan
The Thieves: Jacqueline Malouf & Jeff Bridges.
The Spies: Steve McQueen & The Feral Kid
The Champions: Arnold Schwarzzenegger, The Little Drummer Girl, The Rock, Hulk Hogan,
The Bitch played by Ann Margret, Mr. McFuckyou played by Don Rickles,
Dom Deluise as Him.
And Featuring… Buddy Hackett as Mr. McGuffin
Those who have read this or were there probably know that after Arnold Schwarzzenegger lost his first bout, he was replaced as a second by 'The Wench'.
All the following events are a matter of non-public record and were approved from The Oval Office, to the Chili's security guard and every point of law enforcement in-between. There are fictional elements. Generally inconvenient would it be to have the real names, locations, or places stated in this work due to reputation, sales, or roughly although not always nationally, national security.
If you disagree with the elements of this narrative and are 'a member' just tell your sensei that I the author 'am full of shit', or that 'it was poppycock'. If you aren't a member, yell the same things outside most gyms with boxing or dojos that train martial arts in the U.S., then leave and you may be invited to spar or be provided with training instructions so that you can spar regarding your claim. This is a work of fiction, the same as if I put fictional elements like "Lee Harvey Oswald's mistress" into a narrative that was indicated as fiction about the JFK Assassination. It's enough to tell the tale, but the elements I add are far from whoppers.
I am a coordinator and will be for about 10 years. That means I designed the above elements in some cases in conjunction with my co-coordinators and Assistant Coordinator who some of you know as The Feral Kid. She had no knowledge of her coordination activities at the time of the quakes. She will be the next coordinator sometime during the first half of 2032. She is aware of this. Now, so are you.
III: The Quakes
Part 1: Pre-quakes.
"Fuck doing inventory this early" said The Wench. She was at that time apparently a high-school dropout in her 20s who worked under the table a lot. Currently she was working for a guy who looked like Al fucking Bundy. It WAS Ed O'Neill although he had another name. Later he revealed as Ed O'Neill.
"Maybe something better will come up." said Ed.
"You're a sleazebag. Still, you pay well and let me drunk on the job."
"I have no shame. I'd never push you into anything, or threaten your job. Still, it gives you an excuse to show me up to my staff as a bad example and that makes me laugh."
"How's your yoga coming along."
"I will not, no matter how many times you beg or grovel; stick my head up my ass." said Ed.
Meanwhile, far away in Northridge. A team of lawyers led by Ann Margret were getting their hair done before a dayjaunt to Las Vegas. They were gunna investigate a couple of client's contacts that had reports of improper workplace behaviors. If The Wench had known about their work, she'd have been owning Ed's pizza parlor. However, as Kitten Natividad she had plenty of loot.
Part 2: Hufftenharftencraffincorffintussemtossemdamandamnacosaghwubblewubblehashtoufeswchbechoscashlcarcarcarasshhhhhhhhhhhhh
"MAKE SURE EVERYONE IS OUTTA THE HAIR SALON! NOW!" screamed Ann Margaret. She and many of the blondes had been knocked to the ground by the violence of the quake. "I'm running over to get some McDonald's. It's gunna be a lonnnnnnnng day"
ARRRASHAAABANKABANKABANKAFURROAOR - KABLANKA!
They had their sea legs by then. None fell. "THAT WAS AN AFTERSHOCK" the lawyer known as The Little Drummer Girl yelled. "WE'RE STILL GOING!" hollered Ann. "Monica! Amy! Get in my car, it's unlocked. Now!" A gal who looks like a drill sergeant, and a gal who looks like Carly Simon with big gardening hands both pile into the car. Ann hops into the driver seat. It's a red BMW E28 M5. "We're going through the parking lot. Fucking pussies won't move for 10 minutes." She hauls ASS through the parking lot and blips across Nordhoff to McDonalds. The staff has opened the doors half an hour early because they had to leave the building and keep the doors open because of the quake, Mr. McFuckYou said "Awright quakes over, get back to prep." They were filing in as Ann hauled ass into the parking lot and pulled into the spot next to the handicapped space.
She jumped out of the car just as Mr. McFuckYou was finishing his smoke in the top trapezoid across from the handicapped spots. "I'm a lawyer and I'm Ann Margret. Will you please make some Big Macs for my legal team. I'll give you $200 for 20. No Fries." "Fuck you lady. We're probably going home. I'm just getting the prep done for lunch." "That's against policy anyway, yer already fucked. Why don'tcha just take the $200." "Bitch! You can take your $200 and shove it up your Malibu fucking ass." Ann gaped a bit, her jaw kinda hung slackly. "In fact bitch, you can take that $200 and buy yourself a fucking Mexican facelift. Then you can earn it back really quick." Tears came to Ann's eyes. Don continued… "Yah crying cuz you didn't get paid for last night's blowjob?" That was it for Ann. The tears went straight to rage eyes.
She threw a swinging back kick, knocking Mr. McFuckYou about a yard and a half over to the left. "Bitch! MAKE ME A SANDWICH!"
Don had spun about 45 degrees with the kick, and stumbled like a drunk headed for the toilet to vomit.
He stood up. Grinned with his malice grin, and said… "You made me drop my cigarette bitch. Why dont'cha pick it up, suck it, and I'll give yah a dollar."
Then, he took a kung-fu stance, and beckoned.
She ran at him. Bad move.
Don stepped to his right, and threw himself on top of her as she splayed out against the ground. He supported his weight with his left leg rather than smashing her by dragging it a bit to slow both their momentums. Then he sat on her back and sed "Giddyup Cowgirl."
That was the first fight of 11 grueling hours. Don won soundly.
Her Gakusei dropped their heads a bit to indicate that Mr. McFuckYou was far beyond their abilities. Ann had let her rage drive her, rather than challenge and engage. It was an even match, but Don had taunted her and well.
One of Don's employees had stepped out the door. Tapped Amy on the shoulder, and said, "Bitch, get that hasbeen the fuck outta our parking lot." Monica said, "Lemme handle that asshole." Amy stepped aside and said "Be my guest." The following is more of a sparring match. It was also to advance the plot of the days activities. The fight was real, the outcome was assured by a great margin in Monica's favor. She was sparring with a worm, a 1st year member. She'd been in for 5 years. However, that worm, was 6 inches taller than her, and a pro wrestler with a shaggy haircut and grunge goatee. It was 'The Rock.' He was sure he'd get promoted to 5th year, Fighter.
Monica smiled, said, "You must have the teeniest dick ever." The Rock cracked his knuckles and swung a gut punch. Monica stepped back, and while he was bent over, grabbed his shoulders and threw him to the ground. That would have been the end of the spar. However, this is the scripted part, he grabbed for her leg to pull it from under her. She stepped good and hard on his hand. It was clear that The Rock was going to have to do some Tai Chi. Then, Amy hollered as loud as she could. "IT'S FUCKING FIGHT CLUB BITCHES!"
Then, this schlubby blond guy comes up to Monica and says, "You are awesome. Will you be my sensei?" He'd seen the fight. "We'll see how you do today. I'm at O'Melveny, ask for Monica in Labor"
"I saw the other fight too. I think you two are awesome. These staff guys look pissed."
Part 3: Why The Wench was made second.
OK. Before we get started with the festivities, I want you all to know about The Wench and her job interview. It'll prove that that woman was no patsy, victim, or anything except a realllly funny woman who was extremely happy that her boss let her put him down all the time and gave her some realllly funny excuses to. She could've had her own restaurant easy, she just liked workin' bar, and talkin' smack.
The Wench: "Can I work under the table?"
Dah Boss: "Wanna work under my desk?"
The Wench "I'll brain you with a fucking bottle."
Dah Boss: "You're hired."
If this were a Married with Children episode, and I were doing the Don Pardo voiceover, here's where I'd say "Al thinks he's gunna be gettin' some… All he's gunna get is kicked in the balls."
Think Carla Tortelli lookin' like a porn star with some street fighting skills that'd leave Rocky reeling.
Part 4: The First Melee
Steve McQueen (the schlubby blond guy) really didn't want to fight the assholes comin' out the door. He knew he could beat them. He'd come a long way since Harry Houdini kicked his ass back in 1980. He probably would have beat Harry this day. Still, Harry had a lot of tricks up his sleeve, and was never a member of Fight Club although for 5 years he was a coordinator. He designed Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941. There are a couple others the lay reader would recognize as well. I'll tell yah one later, in Sons of Houdini.
What Steve McQueen was really there for, was to see if he could pick up on Monica. Her face was a bit harsh, but her body was bangin'. He was a 10, he didn't need her as a sensei. She knew this as Milla Jovovich, but her character didn't. While she was kinda flattered, him being Steve McQueen and all. If she could tell her character, her character would wanna stomp him through the wall, for using the Teacher-Pupil relationship to get in the sack with her. It happens a lot in Fight Club, when a member is bringing in a new character. This wasn't that, this was Steve wantin' to fuck her.
Still, none of the guys visible (some were women) were over 7, and Amy was a 12. She could take 3 of them quickly, then save the 7 either to advance Monica, or for a nice finale. Monica might have a tussle with the 4. The 2 and the 3, she'd take out first. The three that Amy would take out were 4,5, & 6 respectively. Don was a good sensei, as they came out the door they lined up as described. The carriage of Amy and Monica showed them as at least 10 and 5 respectively and Amy's 4 had sparred with Monica before and REALLY disliked Joan Crawford aka Amy. He was Pee-Wee Herman, looking like Paul Reubens with red hair and a strawberry blonde mustache.
So as described in their analysis, all except Danny Trejo (a 7 as Danny's character, he couldn't advance against Amy although his primary character which will be discussed later in this portion was a 40, he and Joan Crawford in her primary fighter were matched sparring partners.) were out within seconds. Milla cleared them with foot sweeps and fist delivered coup de grâces. She was really fast back then. Then, the first wave of blond lawyers and their assistants pulled in in 7 more BMW E28 M5s. This wasn't a dojo. These weren't pupils. With 30 more combatants, Danny was whupped, he couldn't spend the 5 minutes it would take to insult Amy before he 'lost' so he skedaddled. This moment was scripted too. The Blondes had heard Amy's holler and knew they'd have to find a defensible location with plenty of booze, and a fair amount of food. Fuck if they wanted to go through a day of Fight Club hungry and sober. ^+20
Now essentially this was a display of Ann and Mr. McFuckYou's respective dojos. Steve was present and might have pitched in in any rout. He may at some times be referred to as Steve Mac, because later in the day's agenda, there's Steve Mar. Here. As in… Steve Mac was kickin' back, when a multicultural team of all hair colors as well as none pulled in with their BMW attack. They splayed out like a hand holding a deck of 5 cards or like a fan, or a palm frond's. And that was at this point, the main force of The Blondes. 37 people as well as 2 non-member canines. Now Danny had split, but Don was just hangin' out. His dojo had been tromped, although if a good pitched battle had arrived, he and Ann Margret might have pitched in. She was smoking a cigarette, and thinking of breakfast. Don said, "Lady, you're team was the best. Feel free to hang out while my team makes you breakfast and for all, for the sum total of $1."
Ann finally grinned. She wasn't cryin', but she was filled with those warm hearted tears when someone has done you a much needed solid. "Thank you Ann, you have schooled my team. It'll take 'em about 15-20 minutes in the meantime, who wants cokes?!" ^+23
Part 5: The 5 bombs of The Little Drummer Girl
Danny hauled ass. He made the Post Office in 4 minutes flat. He did a double double finger whistle, and 20 people appeared, 2 ran for their rides, the rest limbered their legs when they saw Danny winded. "McDonalds South, Now!" ^+25
Those postpeople had never moved so fast, they were up to Plummer Street 20 seconds later. At just before 5 am the traffic was sparse, but they had to split into 2 groups at Plummer. ^+25.3 2 LAPD squad cars pull up. 2 cops step out. 1 other cop is in the East Squad Car. "There's a bomb threat! Get back from the Chevron. They called it in, they're already out!" ^+26.5 The Southern team of postpeople were on the east side of Reseda, so they moved back to Rite-Aid. Then, the Chevron exploded with 4 giant plumes of fire. ^28 A few of the cars across Reseda were so hot their gas tanks exploded. It was like a warm zephyr of heat along the side of Rite Aid, and like going into a room with a warm lit fireplace for the Postpeople across Plummer (say that 3x fast.) There wasn't much wind so the debris was ok. At 30 minutes after the quake exactly, the cops waved the postpeople forward, and they continued to run towards McDonalds. When does that ever happen? They ran in a group down Reseda, then the Jack in the Box blew up and the cops that had gathered started running towards Jack in the Box. ^33. The Jack in the Box wasn't a full demolition, it was the Reseda side dining room and mainly to attract the cops. The Little Drummer Girl was making sure that these postfolk weren't some kind of fuckups. The cops couldn't impede them, they wanted them outta there anyway. Had one of them confronted or challenged the cops, all heck might have broken loose. They kept loping down unimpeded after that. But they knew to expect an investigation of whereever they were last seen going towards. So they hollered towards the dojo, "COPS IN 10 MINUTES"
Part 6: What Mr. McFuckYou was up to.
So as soon as Mr. McFuckYou went in to the McDonalds, He signaled to Pee-Wee Herman to start making cokes, 20 of 'em. He picked up the phone. +25
At the other end, Ed O'Neill picked up the phone.
"Ed, (not the name used, but the name I'll be using in this work) you need to call Arnie, get about 200 naval personnel and he'll pick you up in launches at South Coronado at 5:30. Don't fuck this up."
"Fuck yeh Don! I'm on it. I'm bringin' Molly. She'll have a few too."
"Yeh, she always does."
The line went dead. +26
Part 7: To the "Bitch, Make Me A Sandwich!"
"Molly! We got Fight Club. Call your girls you got 5 minutes, they have to be at South Coronado at 5:30. So tell Him to arrange separate transport."
"Awright Cap'n Ed. On Line 2."
"Arnie. get your bitch up to Coronado we're going to L.A. We'll need 5 launches. More even maybe."
"Molly, 3 minutes, grab your bottle."
"They'll be there. Him is already there."
"He was at the dojo, he'll be there as we launch."
They both grabbed their jackets and rushed out the door. +30
"We need to stop at South Bay Probation. I got three girls to pick up there."
"Oooooh. A foursome."
"Just think about where those golf clubs will be going."
Part 8: McDonalds Mayhem.
"They cut my line. Danny will take 10 minutes. He'll have some Heavy Hitters. Act nice and make 'em their sannniches. They won't be eating them. I'll go handle them." +26
"Hey folks, whaddayah know folks, I'll have fries for yah toooo."
"Where yah headed?"
"Vegas, mebbe." said Ann.
"Wanna call ahead? They might be worried." +29
From the rooftop, a stentorian female voice, from a woman who looked like Diane Keaton in a M1951 Field Cap, with a satchel, khakis, with a fat blunt wrapped as a cigar. "It's a Trap! The lines are cut. Form up!" Don ran inside, threw the bolt and he and his team started lining up waste bins against the doors.
Then… behind the Drummer Girl… there was a turrible explosion as the gas station went up. "There'll be another explosion in 3 minutes" then she pulled a trigger in her right hand and the doors to the McDonald's blew open. "There are 40 of us, 5 that rank McFuckFace, they'll come out without a problem"
Behind 'Drums' Don cleared his throat. She whirled. Don had climbed up through a 50s roof access. "That's MISTER MCFUCKYOU to you," said Don. Drums took a stance and beckoned. Don, a 12 vs. Drums 11 said "If you want to advance, come gimme a kiss, but you'll have to catch me first" and he jumped down into a tree and scrambled down. Then he ran North on Reseda.
Drums yelled, "DON'T FOLLOW HIM HE'S TRYING TO SPLIT OUR FORCES"
"Amy you still want a new BMW? Park yours in front of the exit door. We're gunna have company."
Another explosion went off behind Drums as she clambered down towards the parking lot door.
From up Reseda all combatants heard the words "COPS IN 10 MINUTES." ^35
Part 9: Don's run. ^34
Don ran to the North on Reseda, then the Jack in the Box blew up and he stopped, tipped his visor back, and said "Bitch is loco!" then he heard that the cops were coming. So he whistled with his thumb and finger at the corner of his mouth and hollered "CHOP STOP!" then he started loping towards Prairie. He stopped to breathe for a minute, and Steve Mac grabbed him by the shoulder. "You're a fucking asshole!" said Steve. Don grabbed for the hand on his shoulder, the hand was already gone. Steve was REALLY fast. Don spun around, grabbed for Steve's shirt and Steve bowled him over, then like a high school wrestler pinning, he dropped on top of Don with his arm over his collar bone and won the match. Steve advanced to 12, and as a pittance which we'll discuss soon, he grabbed Don's visor, and ran across Dearborn towards the NW. ^40
Part 10: What is a pittance?
From the days of King Arthur, a pittance has been the 'prize' of Fight Club matches. Usually it is agreed upon in advance. Sometimes when in formations or a busy combat zone it is forgone or booty is grabbed, something unagreed upon that remains below roughly a 2021 $30 US Dollar. Often far less. Sometimes even a candy bar or a shiny penny, or a shoelace, or in Arthur's Day, a lady's scarf.
There were no pittances in the melee above. It was an exhibition match between Dojos. The match between the senseis of those Dojos: Don - Kung Fu & Ann - Jiujitsu the pittance was whether Don's or Ann's team would defend. Ann's Team did, because the pittance was extended to the students to decide, a common practice in Fight Club. A coin flip is a 15th century extension of a match to decide team positions. It still exists in several sporting events.
Part 11: The Spy
Steve waddled down the street into the alley behind Chop Stop wearing Don's visor. Nobody saw him until he was walking from the Mexican place towards the Dentist. Then, Danny yelled. "That shit looks better on Don, you better run." Steve did. There were 21 of them, and he was never good at Blackjack. So Steve busted a move and broke in to the Dentist office. Where he realized, that he wouldn't be drinking this Fight Club, as he spied 2 nice tanks of Nitrous aka Laughing Gas.
A small squad of 'Those Assholes' followed him. Most were 9 or 10s. He dispatched them. 1 was a 12. Steve tackled him and sat on him. Match over, the 12 was 140 lbs. Steve was about 320. "Get the fuck outta here!" Steve yelled. They all ran back towards the main group. They knew that Steve would hole up somewhere and they'd deal with him later.
However, the 12 stayed behind and said "Are you committed to a team yet?" Steve said "I'm probably with 'The Blondes.'" and that was how The Blondes got their name. They were about 45% blondes at this point. "I know you're after the pussy, we got pussy, 2 way hotter at least. Wanna be our spy?" "Name them" said Steve. "Dominique Simone & Nicole Kidman" said Eric Roberts. "Deal" said Steve, "We win? I get a threesome with them." Eric said "Done, I work with them and they loved Steve McQueen, you don't even have to get lean."
Eric left. Steve picked the phone up and Amy picked up on the Teams line. A 1990s chunky cellphone. "Who's this." "The fat guy from the parking lot, I'm a 12, I want to set up a communications center." "Good I'm sick of luggin' this piece of junk." "Kings Burgers and Sushi, It'll be up in 20 minutes. Then drop off the Teams phone before noon" "It will be clearly marked Communications with a bell on the glass. They have to take the command center before they can even find out where we are, and they've already headed Hello?" ^49
Part 12: Danny and the Posters.
"They're in the McDonald's" Danny hollered. "I can see our guys trying to hotwire a car, they're gunna ram, stand back and get through that hole about 30 seconds later" The car started about 100 yards away. They sounded the horn. A fanfare. "Oh FUCK! That's Him's car!" "Keep your eyes peeled for a fat asshole with a mustache. Tell 'em it's fight club and we're with McFuckFace. It will be paid for." ^48
Part 13: Him.
Him was walking down the street from the Aspire Apartments at Cal State Northridge. He'd just heard from The Wench that Fight Club was on and that McFuckFace's McDonalds (say THAT 3x fast) was where the fight was instigated. Instigation of Fight Club activities is key and usually where the story begins. Him always liked to see them. He was a 20 at the beginning of this chapter. He'll be 50 by the time this story ends. He also retires before the story is over. I mean how do you beat that? As he passed the Japanese place, he heard his horn go off. Sounded his fanfare, and he was no longer his mild mannered secret identity but Him. His costume was at the cleaners, but his mask sure wasn't, and he pulled it on. ^48 He dressed like the dorks in 'Pulp Fiction" except with a sweatshirt and a red and black as he called it... "FatMask" with the word CHAOS emblazoned upon it.
Then he started wobbling towards his car while hollering, "Leave the FatMobile the FUCK alone!" Too late though, he heard a slam, ^49 and heard the words "Sorry, it's Fight Club." His anger faded, his face turned from ticked to resolute. He knew that it would be paid for. Then he saw Ann. "Ann!" he yelled, and he waved gleefully like a smitten schoolboy. He was a big fan. Ann flipped him The Bird from inside the McDonalds. ^51
Part 14: San Diego some more.
So speaking of secret identities, Steve Martin is also a Naval Commander. He had 174 crew available on an off day which today was likely to be. Clemente would be busy, San Diego would probably just be on-call for any larger quakes. They'd want the ships in too in case of tsunami activity. He asked them if they'd like to do some training. One of the guys that transferred from Hueneme asked if they could cuss on this training. Steve smiled, and said "Up Yours." Bruce Willis spoke loudly, "It's Fight Club, gentlepeople."
Over 150 people grabbed their caps and ran for the beach. ^50.
Steve made sure they heard as they left, "They're bringin' some ladies too. Be nice, most are higher ranks than you."
Part 15: The Feral Kid.
Molly: "No, I don't wanna see the strippers by the naval base after Fight Club."
Ed: "When you working"
Also Ed: "OWWWW!"
Molly: "Just haul ass in to the back parking lot. Fishtail and burn to call any stragglers."
Ed: "OK. I won't sue for you pinching the hell outta me."
Molly: "You're the worst lawyer ever."
Ed: "Hold on to the strap."
<Skids into the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu parking lot and burns the tires.>
Ed: "There's the Maulers, Annie and Rhonda ride with us. They aren't titans."
Molly <Looking in the passenger side mirror.>: "Did you ever see 'The Road Warrior?'"
Ed: "Only about 500 times."
Molly: "The Feral Kid's comin' up behind us."
Ed: "He's over 20."
Molly: "The actor that played him. But dressed as him."
Ed: "This is gunna be a good one."
The Feral Kid walked up. "I'll give a bottle of hooch for a ride to Fight Club."
Ed: "Cash or carry, Buddy."
Feral took off his backpack. It was purple. 1.75 liters. Crown Royal.
"There yah go. Can I smoke in the car? Fuck the seatbelts."
Ed: "Hold on. Left passenger's broke" (He indicated with his thumb) "and I want this lady on the outside passenger. Get the door for the ladies."
2 gals built like Margaret Cho climbed into the back seat. Molly followed. "Gimme that bottle." And she hoisted it outta Feral's hands.
Ed: "Save some Molly."
Molly: <glug, glug, glug> "Too late."
Again Molly: "Kidding."
Ed: "Pass it to yah girls, I don't want 'em to have to carry you in."
Molly: "Nope! Yah tried that on me before. Then you threw it out the window. MINE!"
Again Molly: "I'll pay for gas." and she pitches a $20 up. 1hr 10.
Part 16: Ann's Call.
OK. In most skirmishes with reinforcements, 1 call is allowed. The reinforcements generally don't get another call until they get to a place to strike or sortie from. That isn't written in stone, but it's how it usually plays out. Here's Ann's. She picked up Amy's handheld cell just after they went into the McDonalds. She called Debi Diamond who lived in Santa Monica, but had been partying in Vegas since her Adult Video News Female Performer of the year award on January 8. She's also who Ann was going up to investigate rumors of intimidating women backstage at the event by event organizers.
"Debi. This is Ann. All hell is breaking loose here. We're at the McDonalds on Nordhoff and Reseda. Call me on Amy's for now."
Part 17: Debi's End
She's at a unnamed Hotel pool. Her team except for the 19 guys and gals she's umm… entwined with consists of 180 film industry professionals including support team and legal. They're a mobile studio of sorts… often released under Caballero Home Video. Jason Bateman's idea, before he played Jason Bateman. They had a fleet of matching BMW E28 M5s there were over a hundred of them, so they'd sent a few to Ann's team to pay for occasional legal bills after Debi won the AVN award. Especially regarding piracy of her work.
7 cars sped from Deb's hotel to Caesar's Palace. They're leaving in 20 minutes from Caesars. 15 to the 210. A 4 hour 20 minute trip. On most days. We'll be checking back with them later.
Part 18: Ann calls Feral
"Sup Ann." He had Caller ID.
"Look, there are a bunch of assholes comin' up from South Coronado. Would you be my spy? Free legal for life."
"Plus a quarter-cask of Laphroaig"
"Since you only need to get your side-bets on Gibson's royalties usually, I'm good"
"The Brazilian Jiujitsu near you!"
"I'm there. Total expenses, mebbe a new costume, and 1 handle of Crown Royal."
Part 19: Debi Calls Cesar at the Caesar.
Taking care of business is one of the things Debi does best. The next call she made was to Cesar Romero playing some guy named Billy Something. We'll refer to him as such. It's what she always called him.
He was the best acquisitions for Caesar's Palace's liquor, and if it was available in America or you could wait a day, he'd get it for you.
"Ce-sarr… I need a fay-vorrr." "I'll do anything for Fight Club." "I need a quarter-cask of Laphroaig 16 y.o. delivered to Nordhoff Hall at CSU Northridge by noon.
"It's free, however you can favor a do me." (what he actually said) "I need a signed autograph photo that says "To Hef, Wuv, The Divine Miss Diamond."
Part 20: Debi calls Drew.
"Drew. You have lawyers that dress as old ladies today?" "Bridge tourney, like clockwork, great chablis." "Plan on being at Chili's on Reseda at 5:00p with all 19 of them." "Did you feel that Qua"<click.>
Part 21: Debi calls 'Dah Principal'
"Dingleputh, I've missed you sir." "Ohh yoo know I haf so many warm feelings in my heart about yoo too." "Can you please find it in your heart to let 100 of your students and your ten burliest bus drivers go on a field trip where they pick them up at home." "Oh of course! It will gif dem much needet educamation this day. We'll say they are going to San Diego where they might be safer"
The students and bus drivers were undercover law enforcement some as small as 4' some as tall as 5'10' with all weight ranges. All were at least 21.
"Rufus T. Dingleputh, remind you to give me your cheek to kiss." "I'll never forget."
Now, I have to spoil a bit, Dingleputh ended up a Greaser, but at this point he was just providing opportunity for many otherwise very bored officers. This stated here to avoid having to remind you of his students mid-action.
Part 22: Inside McDonalds
"Amy, toss me your phone." "Debi. This is Ann. All hell is breaking loose here. We're at the McDonalds on Nordhoff and Reseda. Call me on Amy's for now." "They're gunna ram, the fire door is reinforced. They'll come through the dining room" Honk Honk Honk Honk Honnnnnnk. Amy said. "Aww fuck, they're gunna waste the FatMobile." "Get back, get as many trays as you can, and Monica, check the back for more."
Monica ran. There were 20 she grabbed them, that made about 56 trays. "There's two per combatant" she said. Drums said, I'm going to round up some reinforcements with Steve Mac. Push the Grill out to Reseda with the booster seats if they break through. Debi will probably want us at Chili's, but there's a Pioneer Chicken or something across the way if she needs siege equipment.
Part 23: What happened to South Bay Probation?
That's what Molly called the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Dojo. You'll hear why later.
Part 24: More in McDonalds
Don stuck his head in. "The Blondes at McDonalds, you were born burger-flippers."
Monica spun popped a tray off of his apron. Don snapped his fingers.
Here's where I need to tell you something. There are no blows to the head allowed in Fight Club. Some of our most brilliant people as well as great fighters fight there. No concussive force to the head is the essential rule. There is ONE exception. There are 'dentists' that trained at knocking ailing teeth out if they were needing pulled anyways. Pretty much anyone over level 30. That's why after 5 - Fighter, 10 - Warrior, and a few others, comes 30 - Dentist. There are dental exhibitions. Still, the no concussive force to the head rule stands. Although you can grab someone's head, you can't hit it, or slam them where their head hits or is joggled hard. The fights are unparalleled, however, some are told, when they ask, they can join a boxing league, or wrestling, or MMA if that is how they want to fight. Most still stay and follow the rules in Fight Club.
Don's snap started a flow of fighters, 20 were sliding over the hood of the FatMobile-- a 1980s sedan, an Olds Toronado. Monica, Amy and two of the elder Gakusei were flinging trays while Ann was cooking McPizza's on the grill. She'd skipped breakfast and was hungry so had a brilliant idea. "Save the last tray she hollered."
The other pupils were sitting on the floor, watching the exhibition. Each tray hit an invader, the McJobs and the Posters. One arm, then the other arm. Nerve flings. They were incapacitated and sat down because they couldn't use their arms. Now it was Don's turn to drop his jaw. They'd recover (Don too) in about 10 minutes. The last invader only got one arm hit. His left. It was Danny. He took a firm stance and beckoned to Amy. Amy was a 12 at that point. She just laughed and strolled over. Danny grabbed her phone off her belt hook and beat her twice with it at the mid-arm nerve centers that Amy had just demonstrated. Amy sat down, practically in shock. Danny waved at Monica. Monica sat down. Still, there was one tray left. And Ann came out with a fry basket filled with hot McPizzas. They were hot but not enough to burn. Although they were a little too hot to carry 2 stacks of them. Ann WAS pretty hungry. So she bared her pearly whites and tooka bite and flung the pizza. It splatted on Don's shirt. Then she flung another pizza and it hit Danny's crotch. Pretty hard too. He groaned a little bit. 2 more of those and he'd have to sit down. She took another bite and one more followed. He had to sit down. The food was doing her morale great.
Don stepped forward and said, "I love Pizza!" Ann flung a pizza with a big bite out of it and an extra firm crust at the side of his face and knocked a tooth out. "How yah gunna do that with no teef?" Then she flung another Pizza and knocked another tooth out. Don was getting implants, his teeth were relatively healthy, but he knew the signs that it'd be like a couple of root canals as well as X-Rays and then he'd probably need implants anyways due to Coca-Cola. He didn't like dentists, so he had them removed by Ann who while a 20 the same as Don had been training at Profether Dingleputh's Special FX house. Where throwing discuses and bopping mannequin's heads with quarterstaves etc. could be explained to any observers. Dingleputh was a 70. That's like Chuck Norris to you and me. Hulk is like 90s. However, that is as a Sensei. He fought as a 50, although he had other characters with higher fighting ranks including a 70 that he retired in 1979, a cowboy named John Wayne.
"Awright, I'll make you assholes breakfast. But then GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"
He meant it this time. It was 1 hour and 20 minutes since the aftershock. They have lunch breaks and sometimes a dinner break too. ^1hr20
Part 25: Drums makes a friend.
She clambered off the roof. "Ann, I want to set up a communications center." "Steve Mac's already got it. It's at King's Burgers and Sushi near the Post Office." "Also Ann, you probably wanna flip Fat Boy the bird." Ann looks. "On it" Drums leaves as Amy is pulling her car up. "Amy, please call me in 30 minutes at King's Burgers." "Choo got it, dentist lady." Drums starts loping up towards Plummer along the alleys and parking lots about 70 yards West of Reseda. She sees that it will be evenly matched with the Posters and the McJobbers. So she keeps goin' even though she could wipe out that whole team. We'll discuss this later during 'The Banquet.' 7 minutes later she's at King's Burgers. She spies Steve Mac with two tanks of nitrous and a gas mask and hose over his shoulder. "Lemme get the door for you." She picks the lock deftly, under 4 seconds. "Thank you blonde lady." said Steve. Drums follows him in and swoops the table set off the counter, pulls up a 3rd chair and Steve lays one tank on the split between table panels and sets the other on the floor leaning up against it. "I haven't tried this stuff since the 70s. I usta love it." "I remember" says Drums, "You beat the pants off me twice in 1975. Once cuz I craned my neck to see why you'd slowed down even with those huge tanks on the roof. We were going wayyyy faster than I was used to." "Pick up the phones and I'll set it up." "The phones are verified" said Drums, "They should be having breakfast, I'll strollllllll back." Steve offers her the mask. She inhales. "Niiiiiice." She was already pretty stoned, It kind of put a glisten on her high, she liked it. "Thanks Steve. If you got some later I'd like to do some focus tunnels." "You got it lady." said Steve. ^1h20
Part 26: Boarding
Ed saw that the skimboard ramp was up and the launches were departing. All but one were filled with sailors. The one in front of the skimboard ramp wasn't. It would be a 30 ft jump, coming in at a high angle, with 15 feet to brake. Piece of cake. "Get your belts on ladies, Feral and I have already." Ed floors it.
30 seconds later Ed asks, "Permission to come aboard." He doesn't have to, it being a launch but he likes being pesky sometimes. So does Bruce Willis. "No." he said. "Ahh shut up, what's for breakfast?" "There are a mess of Hot Pockets in the microwave up front." Bruce was a 30 at this point, although his Jeffery Hunter character had been a 50. He liked to scrap and not just be in master's combats. Ed was a 50, although there'd been discussion a few months before about his accession in a points win against Dingleputh. That'll probably come up at the banquet, although there's going to be a lot of stuff before Dingleputh's retirement. He retired every year. ^1hr20
Part 27: Debi gets her team on.
She roared into Caesar's Palace Drive in her souped up BMW E28 M5, her team's fleet of stock BMWs (they'll all be called BMWs from here on out, no other cars of note in this event were BMWs. Debi's may be added 'hers' to distinguish) were all packed and loaded, there were 70 of them. Hers was full of gals at the moment, we'll discuss who later. The two in the back, Victoria Paris & Teri Weigel would be following in separate rides in case of any breakdowns. Next to her was Ginger Lynn, who ran in to get a buffet container of breakfast for she and Debi. A breakfast burrito for Debi so she could drive, and a grand slam roughly for Ginger. Everyone else had eaten or had a similar repast delivered. You'll see why this is important later. ^1h20
Debi yelled, "HOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and the 70 cars as well as the other 4 parked behind her began filing out of Caesar's. They'd be back by 3 am except for a couple of them. The time now? 6:01a.
We'll be checking in with them as they drive. Their moment of arrival is estimated to be 11:00 am at Chili's in Northridge.
Part 28: Aboard the Tole Mour.
Tom Cruise and Arnie were watching their crew of 3 (a skeleton crew) lower a net for the launches to climb up. "I'd love to see the 13 do their work." "They vohn't bee streeping." "I'm aware of that, still, mebbe I'll get lucky." "Just don't drop yer dick een dah dirrt." "Doom is my lady, she's fine and well kempt." "ALF vuz a ver-ry niice touch." "We'll need a motto soon, but as long as we know it's on, Nicole won't miss that ALF that I won, I was drunk as fuck at the fair. At it, she <here he imitates Arnie> ewst to glaare." The launches had been approaching from the distance. Inky Blinky the ship's cat hissed gently as the launch with 'The 13' arrived. Nameless, dressed in black, in performance they'd wear bikinis and masks. They never took off their masks.
Steve Martin was nursing a bruised shoulder. He had made a lil' pass cuz after a shnort he was feeling bolder. "Permission to fuck your daughter, sir." "Shuht up, get yer guys on."
It took 7 minutes to get all onboard, Bruce climbed in, another sailor hopped into his launch, and the launches went back to clean up the ramp and return to base.
"Welcome back Cap'n" said Arnie.
Part 29: Cap'n Ed.
"This Tourney has commenced," announced Ed "We're an hour and a half into it, and I haven't seen a fight yet." "I pinched you really hard, does that mean I'm a 50?" "Wench! We gotta talk." And that's how 'The Wench' got her name.
Part 30: Ed's quarters.
The Wench followed Ed in to his stern quarters. "Ed," Molly said softly, "start calling me a stupid wench who should be working under the Captain's hindquarters. then say "C'mere!""
Ed did just that really loud.
This part was scripted what is about to come.
Part 31: Agony, agony, agony.
Ed stumbled out clutching his nutsack. "Arnie, you and Tom drag her ass out here." They were 50s. Not a problem. Ed hadn't really been injured, the drama was implied, very few picked up on it. It would not have counted as a combat because Ed far outranked Molly. Although with a formal challenge, it would have. Even "I'm going to kick your ass." said in earshot of another member would have been sufficient. They came out holding Molly by both arms and she was kinda tuggin' between them. She liked a few guys in the crew, a few gals too.
Part 32: Formal Challenges.
"Time to see if any of you fucks is worth a shit," "We got any grudge matches?"
At this point there were none.
"Then I'm gunna call a few." "You'll all know each other."
Part 33: The Pooping Time.
This takes place in two locations. Then we'll follow The Blondes a bit, followed by the idiots on the ship. First Taunts between the teams, then some sparring and a deck battle will follow.
Faye Dunaway wanders haunted into the McDonalds parking lot door. They know she's a non-combatant.
From the crow's nest slides a black shrouded figure that a couple of the sailors recognize as HER. She lands on deck.
In unison, both women say LOUDLY, ^1h57
"This chaos is with a price! There will be a time of the pooping, and many of you being pooped, and all of you facing THE HOSE! THAT TIME HAS BEGUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
Part 34: HER.
Bruce Willis says "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
HER SAYS "I am the DAUGHTER OF SHE! HERRRRRRRRRRR!"
"Where the fuck's Faye Dunaway" wags Charlie Callas from the deck. He'd been to a few of Buddy Hackett's parties.
"Shut up upstart! I am a 30."
"Yah look like a 2 worm."
Charlie, a 12, was in for the beating of his life.
She stepped through the crowd as they parted before her. "Kiss my foot you ridiculous fool!" Charlie took a practiced Karate stance. Hands half-extended forwards crossing at the wrist. He towered over her. He was 6'0", she was 4'2" She spun and kicked at his side. He tried to push her down she flowed like water without changing form. Then she spun and kicked him in the side again. And again. And again.
Cap'n Ed said: "ENOUGH!"
Then tossed him a jaunty salute. "Yah need a feef?"
"You didn't ask for permission to come aboard."
"I'm not sitting on your lap asshole!"
Everyone knew Ed.
"You're our thief." he said.
"Thank yah, Cap'n."
Part 35 - Faye Dunaway's Manifestation of SHE.
1h58 The audience was stock still sitting on the floor finishing their Big Macs. The 7 had grabbed AM/PM on their way to the Post Office. They were not in the least concerned with Faye's arrival (it being lunch break) and stood stock still as 2 of them realized that Faye Dunaway's prognostication was part of 'Annals of SHE.' Don't you DARE make that joke about it. It had been read before the 1941. SHE's Final Appearance.
Faye slumped to the floor. This made it clear she was a non-combatant. Him had joined the smokers. He'd had a spaghetti plate for breakfast. "SHE has blessed this event. There will be a clear winner. Lord help us." "The other two kept silent. They were both 'Bonded' at Rank 60. They had chosen silence as their vow but only during Fight Club. Jimmie Walker and Henry Rollins. Public Enemy's Chuck D. and Flava Flav, as well as Biz Markie, Michael Franti, & Rono Tse. The 7 will perform later today.
Part 36 - Ann was astonished.
Stark staring madness was the look in Ann's eyes. As most Fight Club members, she had heard the 'Annals of SHE'. Some guys refuse. That's OK. It's knowledge they can attain if they realize how important it is. Most do.
She knew this would be a marvelous day, filled with wonders, great combats, and clear indicators that the battle was fair, and the victory of whoever had won would be hard-fought, well earned and for many years would be remembered as the 300 were remembered by the Spartans. Heroes even in their deaths.
Don's head was bowed. He wondered if SHE was around. Spiritually, her body had long decayed.
Amy handed the phone to Ann.
Ann knew what to do.
She called Dingleputh, and said, "Call Tiny Town. McDonalds. Full possession. There'll be another manifestation. Thank you."
Part 37 - The 7
"We could win this, here, now. However, you have partaken of Don's food (Say that 3x fast) and to remain in combat here after his defeat at your school's hands would be an insult to Don. We will see you when we invade your headquarters. In the meantime, we're off to stop your reinforcements. It's obvious it'll be the Beemer fleet. Same as you know it'd be Arnie and Ed since it's Don's place." said Chuck D.
"Him. Please prepare for the arrival of Tiny Town. They must investigate this locale, then they'll harry."
Chuck D was a 40.
"Hey Don. Your visor left yah, what's gunna keep your dick warm at night." said Flav.
Don rolled one finger up and then rolled it down.
The 7 split. ^2h10.
Part 38 - Tiny Town
There were 40 members of Tiny Town. From 1-40 in rank. They will not be using their names here. The little people in question are intensely private due to a number of activities in their life that would require some kind of alternate identity or position. At a later point, they'll act as harriers in motorcarts. They were accompanied by 2 full-sized individuals. One, Mother Teresa. A 41 with incredible skills in Greco-Roman wrestling. She also had Judo knowledge that she often used to enhance throws. The other, was the beloved Profether Dingleputh. An old man in a white suit, with a cheesy mustache and bristling eyebrows. He looked a bit like John Bolton with a happier face and whiter hair. 6'1" 220, and he always carried his 110 cm lecture pointer. He used it as an épée. He'd hit nerve clusters to spasm them and a couple three hits could disable. He also would poke the right side of the chest in a painful heart shot. Even though the heart is on the left. He didn't want to cause any heart attacks. He rarely used that coup stroke. Still, occasionally disabling a series of opponents would require it. He was a 70. All of Tiny Town's members were under 4'2" and fully adult. Although they appeared to be 4 to 7 years old. They will change into their adult personas for the banquet. They won't be drinking while dressed as kids. Although some will be smoking cigarettes. Remember, their characters are adult as well, they just look like kids. Let me define that a bit. You card a person who looks like a 7 year old and his card says 21, it's obviously him, and he'll speak to you as an adult. However, they won't be smoking cigarettes and acting like kids. They'll take five, like Roger Rabbit's Baby Herman. In combat they won't be smoking, so they'll be fighting as, and acting as kids. Much like The Feral Kid.
Part 39 - Dingleputh's other school.
Dingleputh's other school is a middle school. The 100 students spoken of and 10 large bus drivers, one of whom is Hulk Hogan. Those 110 are all getting ready to show up at Chili's in about an hour ^3 hr 10. They will have changed into adult personas and will be drinking, smoking, cussing, and bein' pretty darn feisty. They'll still be on school buses. They range in rank from 12-40.
Part 40 - The Arrival of Dingleputh
^2h10 A tour bus pulled up. 40 kids ran out of it, hardened their faces, and about half of them fired up smokes. Then, Profether Dingleputh stepped lithely out of the tour bus.
"I can alrweady telll dat we won't need to do an exorcism. She's spirit in herrr darktime had a farr mohr unholy resohnance. Once she waz freed, herrr spi-rit was p-ure."
"Laydeez and gentleman of the Beemers, I am abouht to de-liver a lectshor, after the lecshor, there will be a 10 minuht head start and then we will pursue. The Posters hee-ar will stay. Don's crew will have 'gohn hohm for dah day'. <Here I'm going to stop phoneticizing Dingleputh's pronunskiation. Although the occasional word and of course diction to remind you of his Steyrbrucke, Austria <although he would say 'remind you his Steybrucke, Austria'> inflections.> Dingleputh cleared his throat.
Part 41 - The Lecture of Dingleputh
"Why deh Blondes haf more fun is dah name of dis lecture. It is about why deh Blondes haf more fun.
The only thing I can think of is that the blondes haf more fun because they have more sex. This is dee end of deh lecture. Yoo guys better run."
Part 42 - Mother Teresa
Mother Teresa prayed for a moment as she always does after DIngleputh's lectures. "I'm joining up with the other team. Just so I don't have to hear your next lecture." Ann's 32 prepared to move out. "Mother Teresa, would you like to ride shotgun?" "Thank you Ann. I'm a fan of your early films." A bit of color rose to Ann's cheeks. "Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed them." "Ann dear, can you tell me the name of your team?" "Hmm, I think 'The Blondes'." "I think that is a wonderful name. May I join you. You remain in command, I am a skilled strategist."
Mother Teresa is very humble. She's a brilliant strategist. Ann smiled at her over her Beemer as they got in. "I'd like you to be my defense strategist. The Little Drummer Girl is my offensive coach." "That is a profoundly wise choice, she wages war where they expect a fistfight."
They drove off with their fleet of 8 BMWs. 2 hr 15
Part 43 - Mother Teresa's silent prayer?
"I pray I never have to hear another one of these."
Part 44 - Dingleputh's Second Lecture.
"Hokay class. Dis is dah lecture about how to fight with your underwear.
The greatest underpants fighters of our time, were called Dah Gumbies. Dey fought in dah 1970 battle I joined into with Fight Club during. It was the major battle of dah season. A group of drugged-out hippies against Fort Bragg. The Manson battle was big at the time, and the US Army wanted to learn defensive techniques against those who were zooped up on LSD. Dah Gumbies were C.O.s of 2 hippie squads. "Here," he grabs an Egg McMuffin wrapper off of the asphalt, "pretend this is your underwear." "Now watch." and he flips the edge of the wrapper while holding two corners so that the wrapper billowed. "If that were underwear you'd have a latex band that you could use to catch an opponent's foot or hand. Granny panties or tighty-whities are preferred, although a pair of boxers or a bikini brief could be used although they would allow the opponent's hand more freedom. He or she might grab the underwear by pulling back their hand quickly with the fingers curled. There is less chance of doing dat with tighty whities or granny panties. Boxers have a leg that could be easily grabbed too, then you will find yourself with your underwear used against you. Dis is dah end of dah lecture about how to fight with your underwear." ^2hr 20
Part 45 - Zoom to Chili's
So in 2 minutes the 33 fighters and Mother Teresa were at Chili's. They'd thought about taking Faye Dunaway there, however, they knew her safety was secure by Henry Rollins. He'd have killed any of them who molested her, or a better term perhaps is that they'd wish they were dead. Henry knew Faye from back when she used to deliver food to Black Flag's warehouse from back when they were truly starving artists. He wasn't there then, but she brought by brownies sometimes. They were fast friends.
Part 46 - Securing Chili's.
There was a security guard. Ann told him the story, he agreed that in this time of emergency (the whole of LA county by now had sirens and cops and fire as busy as can be. The only reason the 100 students of Dingleputh's middle school weren't in uniform is because they knew that tomorrow an early morning relief team would be far better than having a bunch of pooped-out workers from the day before.) that their cause could be beneficial to his security company (with all the lawyers) and would be handled by paying the insurance bill from his firm's coffers with Chili's corporate none the wiser. ^2hr30
So Ann sent 5 over to Dunn Edward's paints to buy ladders with cash to make it easy to defend from the roof. She also bought a whole mess of plastic drop cloths, she knew that it would help screen the windows and be easy to throw missiles through. Dunn Edwards opened at 6:30 and they were amenable to a cash sale. They were back in 10 minutes, then went back to get a couple more ladders they'd left. No problems at all. ^2hr45
Part 47 - Faye Awakens
"What did I say?"
Paul Reubens told her.
"It is time." she said. "I will return. There will be one more message when the pooping of the losers begins, it will be near here."
Don chattered his teeth at both his nails and went the other way real quick once he saw she was going out through the parking lot. He was cleaning up the dining room of the food.
She walked off towards Vons.
"Help me get this crap cleaned up" said Don.
Part 48 - Another rule of Fight Club.
This rule is about leveling up. In the midst of the festivities with team combat, there was no benefit to calling a single combat between participants. As a dojo competition, the fights between Don and Ann Margret were over a dollar to pay for the other team to make breakfast, and for inititiative whether The Blondes would invade the McDonalds or fight the team in the parking lot. Roughly home turfs for each of them, With the soon-to-be Greasers preferring the Parking lot so Don could smoke as well as Danny in character.
Equally ranked fighters can challenge each other to single combat for 1 point advancement. 1 a year. Although if a fighter loses, he may challenge another equally ranked opponent whenever one appears. 2 points and more there's no 1 point advancement limit per year, and the 1 point advancement remains available for one more point.
You'll see a lot of 5s, 10s, 20s, 40s, 50s, 70s, and the rare 90. That's usually to make for good single combat advancements. Often a fighter will elect to fight at a lower level as the same character to make for choice locations or more fights. That sometimes involves a change of prop. Eg. The Feral Kid, a 40, could have challenged Cap'n Ed, a 50 with the mutually agreed 10 point handicap of a 1.75 liter bottle of any spirit (or water) for a 1 point advancement for Ed, or an 11 point advancement for Feral. Even though he'd fighting at a 50 with the handicap. Ed gave him a ride because neither one of them had had breakfast. It would have been a weary 5 minute battle for both of them. Feral wasn't hungry to advance at that point, having just jumped 2 points in a challenge the night before and Ed wanted breakfast.
I know that's a little confusing, just remember, some fighters can fight barehanded at different levels than they might with a prop and vice-versa. They still remain on the books (not necessarily their characters) as their maximum fighting level. As far as characters, except for challenge situations, they have to downgrade, a worm can't play a Cap. Caps are level 50.
Part 49 - One exception to the above.
Occasionally, a worm may get a role as a sailing ship captain whose ship is taken by pirates, a tank commander whose tanks have a mutiny, a King who gets tossed in dah pokey, or other similar debasement to indicate his lack of formal stature. The actual Cap is usually the ringleader of those actions. The worm is never a 50 and generally loses in any fight except against a 1 or 2 or a new weapon or fighting style that is as revolutionary as a sword in the Stone Ages. Occasionally a worm brings one of those in to level up to what most members refer to as 'their natural' or 'a natural' rank.
Part 50 - The Rock loses his second fight.
So the go-karts of Tiny Town had been delivered on a flatbed, and after building a formation to travel in, the go-karts departed about 2 seconds ago. They had headed down Reseda towards the Chili's. It was the obvious choice, greasy food, salads, boose, crazy flair, and ability to present fire upon 4 directions.
The Rock had helped with the rest of Don's staff in cleaning up all the mess from the fights and breakfast. The FatMobile remained where it was. For insurance company purposes, those companies were reimbursed from a corporation owned by Fight Club members. Sometimes those were side-bets.
The Rock asks Pee-Wee Herman to take out the full garbage. The Rock in normal times being the Assistant Manager.
"Go fuck yourself asshole." said Paul Reubens. "Fuck you buttmunch, I'll beat your ass." said The Rock. Pee-wee pulled out a spatula and flicked Dwayne's ear with it good, then he threw The Rock 180 degrees when The Rock tensed after the ear-flicking, Paul grabbed Dwayne's hand very quickly threw the lower part of Dwayne's left arm to rotate him along with a shoulder grip and a push down. Pee-wee had studied some heavy military grappling. Dwayne sprawled on the ground and Pee-Wee sat on his back and paddled him with the spatula. Dwayne had lost his second match, ignominiously. Don't worry Rock Fans, Dwayne makes a 40 before the day's out.
Part 50 - The Rock gets his name.
So Darrell Frock arose from the floor. Beaten. Angry. That was his character's name. Darrell Frock. He took off his visor. He took off his apron. He untucked his uniform shirt, and he fucking tackled Pee-Wee Herman into the ground and into a 4. No challenge required. The first match was over, his second the moment he charged. Pee-Wee hoped he might recover with a short throw. He was wrong.
He arose. Showed his name tag, and said "From Now On. Call me 'Sir Boss!'"
Part 51 - Dinglepuths Story Intermission
In 1969, in the middle of a Massive King of Cowboy Hill meets Mechanical Bull tournament. Dinglepuths showed up with a gang a' Hippie Protestors, not all hippies but lots. So many hippies dat even Dinglepuths have on flower power/Hawaiian bandana aqua blue with big yellow hippie flowers slash shower appliques because he knew dat dis one would abrade.
The Hippies' signs dey all say "Make December Dinglepuths".
"Haloo Everyone!" say Dinglepuths. "I am here to make December Dinglepuths! Dere nuff months that not Dinglepuths in dah year, dat to have December be dah month of Dinglepuths is a small ting to ask."
"Here I show you how good it be." and he wind up a Victrola dat have a record album and deh brassy, clangy, sounds of like deh Bing Crosby 50s Christmas album start playing from teh rekkid player.
Here's what it play.
Dah Dinglepuths Christmas Album
All is Vanity Label - 0005
Here come Dinglepusth.
Little Saint Dinglepusth
Here come Dinglepusth (Rhumba version)
We Dinglepusth you a Merry Christmas.
Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Dinglepusth. Shatner, Allen Sherman, Mrs. Miller 12 minute song drunk as fuck everyone
We Three Kings of Dinglepusth are.
Dinglepuths we heard on high.
O! Dinglepuths town of Bethelehem
I saw Mommy Dinglepusthing Santa Claus
Dinglepuths the Herald Angels Sing
I been working on teh Dinglepusth Christmas railroad
Frosty dah Dinglepusth
Itth Dinglepuths a lot to look a lot like Christmas
Silver Dingleputh Bells
God Rest Ye Merry Dinglepuths
He play a few songs, and say "Dat Enough," and throw first album against deh wall. "Since dere never be toooo much Dinglepuths, here dah second album, and he start singing along with "O! Dinglepuths town of Bethlehem, how Ding-el-Puths you lie. Above thy DInglepuths and 'Buy My Album' sleep dah Dinglepuths go by"
Den, anudder song. "I sawwww Mommy Dingleputhsing Santa Claus, underneath dah Dinglepusth last night"
One of dah string tie civil rights-era protestors dropped her sign and say "I Done". It was Dorothy Gish retiring as standardbearer. She walked behind the corner to laugh at the stoopid, stoopid song. She be back later. She top fighter. Montgomery Clift ran and picked up her sign and started chanting "Ommmmm Make December Dinglepuths in Hawaii." It was an ad for the next major tourney, and a suggestion to make December 03 (you see like om on its side) available as well as maybe some of the next few days and to set up a Big Island identity for then. I tell dat story before dah whole book is done. Back to deh ongoing one.
Part 51 - 1-619-Eat-Shit
That was the number of Debi's phone. She dialed 1-619-Fuck-You. She'd just finished her burrito and was kinda remembering the time she visited 'The Last Spike' as a kid.
"Ed, you're a fucking asshole."
"You want me to fuck your asshole?" said Ed.
"You couldn't even get up to my butthair with your little cock." said Debi.
Ed was on his phone, HER had just signed on as thief.
"Bitch! Make me a sandwich."
"Tell you what asshole, your team wins? Our team will make your team sandwiches. Your team wins? You're making us sandwiches, asshole."
Part 52 - The Deal struck.
"You got a deal bitch, but how bout I show you just how big my dick is." The pittance established, a side-bet had begun.
"You're gunna have to parade in drag and ask your team for dates if you lose, right outside The Hollywood Bowl."
"I'm not gunna fuck 'em" said Ed.
"Yah don't have to fuck 'em, but I'm not doing ass-to-mouth or eating your asshole."
"If I wanted a fucking hamburger, I'd go to McDonalds."
"You should go to KFC and shove a drumstick up your ass." said Debi.
"That'd be another bet, maybe after I collect on the first one, I'll kick your ass again."
"I think if I win that one, Trevor Donovan gets to fuck Molly in the ass. We'll see."
Part 53 - On the soon-to-be "SS Bitch! Make Me A Sandwich!"
Molly was kind of watching and listening between Arnie and Tom Cruise. She was relaxed and they all were watching.
"Molly! Trevor Donovan wants to fuck you in the ass. I'll defend your honor. It'll be a hard battle."
"No! You can't have sloppy seconds asshole."
"Is that a yes?"
"That's a "Fuck Yeah!"" said Molly.
Part 54 - Back with Debi.
"She says "Fuck Yeah" bitch."
"Then consider we'll have a match at the Hollywood Bowl either way."
"Done and done.", said Ed.
"See you in Northridge yah cunt." <click.>
Part 55. - What if Ed wins?
You saw that, I wrote it that way. I left one line out.
While Ed was talking to Molly, after she said "Fuck Yeh"
Debi said on the phone to Ed. "I'll eat that chicken leg if you win."
Part 56 - Arnie vs. The Wench
Ed yelled. "You guys are gunna swab the deck, or 4 of you can fight."
Charlie Callas had just passed out the last Guinness.
Molly knocked hers the fuck back and said "Arnold! Yer a bitch."
You've seen the outcome of a great mismatch. When HER nearly broke Charlie Callas' ribs.
This was an even greater mismatch.
Arnie says, "You bet-ter be kid-ding me or you dead."
Molly stepped forward 3 paces, turned around and flipped him The Bird.
Arnie pitched off his ballcap, and hunched over like a linebacker.
Molly knew he'd hunker down to avoid hip throws. She knew he had practiced capoeira during 'Predator', and that's how Dingleputh would teach it. She ki-eed and ran at him. Leapt, and shoved her crotch in his face hard, pushing him back, flat on his back, and knocked the wind out of him.
She was now a 50.
Part 57 - 2 ladders, 4 paint cans, and the ultimate go-kart spinout.
The Little Drummer Girl and Mother Teresa were walking back from the paint store with 2 ladders, 4 gallons of paint and a shopping cart. The Little Drummer Girl was pushing the shopping cart while holding both ladders under one arm. Mother Teresa similarly had one arm full of ladders. Teresa said "Go-Karts." "Drop the ladders in the street." said Drums. They both moved towards Chili's and Drums pushed the cart across the street after pulling out a gallon of oil-based paint. She pried the lid off with the bottle opener in her pocket and dumped the gallon near the ladders. The go-karts were 30 yards away at that point, they sped up to catch some major air with the ladders and their knobby tires.
That's not what happened though. Zelda Rubenstein (the old lady from Poltergeist) and Tiny Ross (Vermin from Time Bandits) hit the ladders and oil slick, and spun around about 10 times apiece.
Drums and Teresa grabbed the paint cans and hustled back to Chili's.
Part 58 - A new second.
Molly picked up Arnie's ball cap, and said to Ed, "Whatta loser, you need a new second?"
Ed said, "Fuck Yeah."
The Wench said, "Not on your life."
She threw Arnie's cap back to him, and said, "Get me a beer."
Part 59 - Jeff Bridges vs. Steve Martin
Jeff Bridges hollered, "Fuck if I wanna swab the deck."
Ed sed "Find your bitch ass a partner."
Jeff looked at Steve Martin. "Chief Warrant Officer Martin, I beat your bitch ass, there's a big quake, Chief Petty Officer First Class bump me a grade or you're a snake."
Steve took off his shirt, in his undershirt he said, "One sided wager, you do my laundry for a year or go somewhere and become a major."
Jeff said "You're on fucker."
"Shall we fence?" said Steve, "First cloth cut wins."
Both of them were 30s, both trained by Dingleputh. This might be spectactular. It wasn't.
Steve walked over to the weapons rack, threw Jeff a saber, pulled a saber himself, and took a stance.
Jeff ran up a stack of kegs, did a front somersault, landed behind Steve and slashed the shoulder of his shirt.
Jeff was now a 31 and a Chief Petty Officer First Class.
"Arnie, you're an asshole, I'm stealing your raft."
There were two riverrafts on board, for swimmin' or clearing nets. Jeff hopped in one of them, slashed the supporting rope, and threw the saber back on the deck. He landed like a ski-doo and pulled the motor cord. "You'll get a raft back on Monday, Arnie!"
Jeff Bridges may become a thief later, but he isn't a crook.
Part 60 - Where the rest of the go-karts went.
So the go-karts had driven West on Nordhoff, South on Tampa, and East on Parthenia.
Of the 40 go-karts, 2 veered north to scope out the initial defenses, you've seen what happened to them.
The other 38 went South, they knew they'd be harriers of the reinforcements primarily, which meant they had a few hours to kick back. Their decision, hollered at each other while driving, was to go play videogames at Chuck E. Cheese about 500 yards down Reseda.
They all pulled into the parking lot, one of the 'parents' of the little people owned the Chuck E. Cheese, and it was cold enough that it didn't smell like a Yuck E. Cheese.
More on these folks later. There's a lot that can't be told here. They ummm... weren't all playing videogames.
Part 61 - Speaking of which…
The ship had pretty much turned into an orgy after the beer and fights. Many had paired off… some were in groups… Ed had been slapped three times.
After the third slap, Ed walked towards Arnie. Arnie wasn't having a really good day. Before Ed even opened his mouth… Arnie said "I kill you you say anything."
"This is work bitch." said Ed. "OK what?" said Arnie.
"This boat needs to get to L.A. faster. We'll need time to steal rides and set up."
"So wat the fuck you want?"
"Can you overclock the fish tails so we're at the shore by 9 am."
"Yoo fuckin' don't ask much do you?"
"Can you do it?" said Ed?
"We'll do it. I'll need you to watch the engine heat. I'll throttle it up."
And so… the Tole Mour I revved up for her last voyage.
Chapter 62 - The Little Drummer Girl.
She looked about the Chili's and saw that it was good. "I have a plane to catch." she said.
She waved, ran out the door, and from her BMW she pulled a semi-rigid glider kit with a 2 gallon solid fuel dispensary system that fired through a rocket. She called that ride her Goblin Glider.
She straddled it, pulled a motor cord, and zoop off she went at about 60 mph Southeast.
She hadn't strapped in yet. Once that was done, she heel-toggled the boost, and at 95 miles an hour with her thighs strapped to a glider, she went off to scout the Tole Mour. She was goin' at an upward angle of about 30 degrees. She had about 40 minutes to scope out their vector.
Chapter 63 - The Little Drummer Girl -- Part 2.
So about 2 minutes later, she pulled the cardinal mask with a plexi Oakley-style window (note it wasn't a helmet) off the handlebars, and over her head. She was strapped in, and the handlebars were for support not for steering, so it wasn't a problem. Then at 2 mi high she thanked the Lord for her French Alps ancestry and leveled out. Over Irvine, she spots with her spyglass a raft wayy out there headed towards San Clemente. Then, a cloud drifts away and at Carlsbad's latitude and Anaheim's longitude she sees the Tole Mour. But… on deck… they've seen her. A glint from a telescope makes it really clear, Molly has seen her ole Sweetie Dear.
Chapter 64 - Jeff Bridges becomes the the thief for The Blondes.
Jeff pulled his raft up on the shore at Long Beach, and told some teenagers playing hacky sack, that they could have his raft. He then headed to the 7-11, got a medium cherry Slurpee, and went out to the payphone.
1-800-EAT-SHIT he dialed.
"Jeff, how yah doin' sexy."
"Broke and drunk with a Slurpee and a cigarette?"
"Wanna be our spy?"
"Fuck no… I'm your thief, and I'm gunna steal all the wheels of those assholes at Chuck E. Cheese."
"You're on. Conditional upon them having no wheels in about 2 hours."
"See you at Chili's."