Jon Stewart's commencement address
al_pastor
= = =
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these
ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me.
Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get
going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television,
this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there's something very
freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk
even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg
heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are
the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech
here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any
language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or
Tourrett's convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I
think back to the people that have been in this position before me
from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can't help but
wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a
person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe
we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a
dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without
putting in any effort, I will. It's incredibly gratifying. Thank you.
That's very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I'm sure my fellow doctoral graduates - who have spent so long toiling
in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years
of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so
devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered
meaningless - will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn't about how my presence here devalues this fine
institution. It is about you, the graduates. I'm honored to be here to
congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real
world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It's
actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest
difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is
not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a
restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of
straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are
poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle
lighting. I don't really know what it is about this campus and candle
lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it
earlier, and I ... I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the
real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don't really
know to put this, so I'll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don't be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next
generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don't know if you've been following the news lately, but it just
kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy
internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard
kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us.
So I apologize.
But here's the good news. You fix this thing, you're the next greatest
generation, people. You do this - and I believe you can - you win this
war on terror, and Tom Brokaw's kissing your ass from here to Tikrit,
let me tell ya. And even if you don't, you're not gonna have much
trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture
taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don't give the
thumbs up you've outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror - it's not even a
noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that
bastard ennui.
But obviously that's the world. What about your lives? What piece of
wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease
your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and
perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are
trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe
you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the
reference.
So I thought I'd talk a little bit about my experience here at William
and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and
Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement
speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably
somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person
I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern
Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized "The Tribe" was not what
I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was
in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb
shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a
freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is
the same size it is now. Didn't even really look like a head, it
looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts
character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in
looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in
1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I
excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom.
My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with
the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm
actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in
a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But
at the time I didn't know that they would. See college is not
necessarily predictive of your future success. And it's the kind of
thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn't work for you. For
one, you're not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result
that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won't. And
accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And
I'm not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an
alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president.
You've got to really work hard to try to ... I was actually referring
to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you're
in college it's very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I
imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed
to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory
psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to
do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the
unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there
is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are
infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those
that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been
achievement. So if there's any real advice I can give you it's this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is
defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no
longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense
of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is
quite strong ... although I'm sure downloading illegal files ... but,
nah, that's a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in
this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new
generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that
will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this
generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong
and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on
my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the
young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and
Afghanistan, you don't have the worry about the future that you hear
from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it
from above.
And the other thing ... that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about
the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every
generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life
gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks
from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the
world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks.
And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, "You've got to get back to
normal. We've got to show that things can change and get back to what
they were."
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a
man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And
as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And
that's when I thought, "You know what, we're gonna be OK."
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night.
Father Luke
al_pastor wrote:
> < snip >
>Jon Stewart's commencement address
>http://www.wm.edu/news/index.php?id=3650
> < /snip >
Thanks for posting this. I liked it because he stayed to the task at
hand and didn't draw attention to himself.
The article didn't mention how it was received, and I'm too lazy to
look. Any insights into how well it was received ?
Father Luke
Todd
A friend of mine had sent me the same link via email, so I read Jon
Stewart's commencement address a couple days ago...
...and thought it was quite well done.
My question is - and I don't mean this in a "snarky" way, I'd actually
be interested to know - I wonder how much of this he wrote himself?
My suspicion is that this is a busy guy with a staff of writers at his
disposal, so there's a good chance he had some help. First draft?
Polish? Punch up? Does anybody know?
And, hey, if he did it all himself, more power to him.
I happened to catch Jon Stewart this weekend on CSPAN2, at some book
event with Tom Wolfe. I was quite impressed. Stewart got up and was
effortlessly funny and charming.
It's almost like he's been doing this for a while!
Todd
www.wonderninja.com
Buy and Sell YOUR Personalized Services!
Tommy Joseph
The idea of commencement addresses is sick to begin with. All the
speakers are people who have acheived financial success of some sort.
That's all that matters. Who is going to listen to someone who isn't famous
- or rich - or both. Oh, let me take that back. They might actually listen
to someone who is not rich or famous, but no one is going to allow someone
fitting that category to give a commencement address. The whole idea of the
commencement address is to convince the graduating student that they are
doing the right thing - no matter what it is - as long as they achieve
financial success. On top of that, why is a commencement address required
in the first place? You just finished four years of school and now you need
some fucking bigwig to come in and convince you that the world is yours for
the taking. What a fucking joke! Sickening.
Tommy Joe
Ollie North
Pretty bitter about not attending your own comencment? Perhaps you
can return to kidnagarten and join in this years big event.
Ollie
Semper "So as you go out into the big kids playground remeber what
it is that you have learned thru the months here at Mrs. Razzles K1
class..." Fi
Tim Shell
>
>> My question is - and I don't mean this in a "snarky" way, I'd actually
>> be interested to know - I wonder how much of this he wrote himself?
> The idea of commencement addresses is sick to begin with.
So, in other words, you don't have a fucking clue. Typical.
Tommy Joseph
>> The idea of commencement addresses is sick to begin with. All the
>> speakers are people who have acheived financial success of some sort.
>> That's all that matters. Who is going to listen to someone who isn't famous
>> - or rich - or both. Oh, let me take that back. They might actually listen
>> to someone who is not rich or famous, but no one is going to allow someone
>> fitting that category to give a commencement address. The whole idea of the
>> commencement address is to convince the graduating student that they are
>> doing the right thing - no matter what it is - as long as they achieve
>> financial success. On top of that, why is a commencement address required
>> in the first place? You just finished four years of school and now you need
>> some fucking bigwig to come in and convince you that the world is yours for
>> the taking. What a fucking joke! Sickening.
>>
>> Tommy Joe
>
>
> Pretty bitter about not attending your own comencment? Perhaps you
> can return to kidnagarten and join in this years big event.
>
> Ollie
>
> Semper "So as you go out into the big kids playground remeber what
> it is that you have learned thru the months here at Mrs. Razzles K1
> class..." Fi
i quit school when I was fifteen years old and have never regretted it.
tommy joe
Tommy Joseph
wrote on 6/8/04 9:24 AM:
Here's my commencement address.........Fuck You.
Tommy Joe
Ollie North
But we have.
Ollie
Semper "dropping is not 'cool' kids. " Fi
Tommy Joseph
>>> Pretty bitter about not attending your own comencment? Perhaps you
>>> can return to kidnagarten and join in this years big event.
>>>
>>> Ollie
>>>
>>> Semper "So as you go out into the big kids playground remeber what
>>> it is that you have learned thru the months here at Mrs. Razzles K1
>>> class..." Fi
>>
>>
>> i quit school when I was fifteen years old and have never regretted it.
>>
>> tommy joe
>
>
> But we have.
>
> Ollie
>
> Semper "dropping is not 'cool' kids. " Fi
Funny.
TommyJoe (But Not an LOL)
Ollie North
LOL
Ollie
Semper "LOLIE" Fi