My Top Ten Favorite Stooges "Lines"

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Jan 1, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/1/00
1."Are You Married Or Happy?"......i use this one a lot when 1st meeting
someone.I get the most hilarious reactions!!

2."Calling Dr Howard,Dr Fine,Dr Howard".....i'd like to see what would
happen if someone said this in a Hospital.What would the reaction be?

3"Hold Hands You Love Birds"......uttered by Emil Sitka and everytime i
hear it,i laugh like crazy!!

4."Hi Lorna How You Doone?".....Asked Of Lorna Doone by Shemp in "Hot
Scots" & "Scotched In Scotland"

5."a Hot Stake Is Better Than A Cold Chop"

6."Nyuk,Nyuk,Nyuk"......A CLASSIC Line!!

7."Soitenly".......Another CLASSIC Line!!

8."No,I'll Wait;Maybe i'll get potatoes"

9.Gentlemen?......"Who came in?"

10."You burnt my little Bugle"


Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00
Let's not forget:

"Do you smell rubbish burning?"......."Smells like somebody's frying

"Fee fie foe fum, I'm the evil spirit that guards the Rooten Tooten

"I'm not me."

"What kind of fool do you take me for?"........"Why, is there more
than one kind?"

"I'm so hungry I could eat a skunk......RAW!"

"Lady why don't you get yourself an electric icebox? Does away with
all your work, worry, fuss and bother and gives you plenty of fresh

"That ain't calves ear, it's can of peas."

"We baked you a birthday cake, if you get a tummy ache, and you moan
and groan and woe, don't forget we told you so."

"It's Shicklegruber!"

"Hya weevil old boll old rummy old rumpot. I see you brought your own

"Why didn't you bring me a softer board?"

Oops...that's eleven!!!

Elmer Pintar

Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00
1. "Here's how"!
2. "Here's mud in your eye!"
3. "Meet Chromedome."
4. "How do you do, Mr.Chromedome?"
5. "Please, I've got six wives and two
6. "I'm gonna hire myself a chief lawyer."
7. "I've got a brother in court."
8, "Whatsa matter with you?"
9. "Whatdya think you're doin, playing
poker? Quick stackin' the deck!"
10."Remember your mother and my
mother are both mothers!"

Elmer Pintar


Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00
On Sun, 2 Jan 2000 08:01:27 -0600, "R." <r7777@*> wrote:

Oh, yeah, and......

"I come from a family of dancers. My father died dancing.....on the
end of a rope."

"Yanks win world series, can you beat that?"
"Yeah, I won five bucks."
"No kidding, I had the Cubs......"

"Not me, I'm a pedestrian."

"Is this Susquehanna 2-2-2-2?"
"Tootootootoot, whaddaya think you're doing, playing trains?"

"If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many
dollars would you have?"
"One dollar."
"You don't know your arithmetic."
"You don't know my father."

"Go take a bath."
"But it ain't spring yet."
"Oh yes it is. See the pretty grass?"
"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
"You're next."
"But I had a bath."
"July 4, 1910. I was too young to fight about it...then."
"What are you gonna do about it now?"
"Take a bath."

"Turn on anything, you'll get it."

"Young man what's wrong? You act as though the sword of Damacles is
hanging over your head."
"Lady, you must be psychic."
"I wonder whats wrong with that young man."

"Anything the Wright brothers can do, the Wrong brothers can do."

"Looks like a V-8."
"Yeah, ever hear of a V-5?"
"What's that a new car?"
"No, an old sock!"

"Put some tape on it."
"We forgot the tape."
"Well we had to forget something or we wouldn't be plumbers!"

So again I can't count!!!

Captain Infinity

Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00
Once Upon A Time in alt.comedy.slapstick.3-stooges,
in article <>
Omay wrote:

>"Looks like a V-8."
>"Yeah, ever hear of a V-5?"
>"What's that a new car?"
>"No, an old sock!"

I've never understood this joke. Can you explain it to me?

Captain Infinity


Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00
The V-8 refers to an automobile engine. Back then it was oftentimes
used to describe the car rather than the engine that was in it as in
"I own a V-8."
A V-5 refers to Moe's 5 fingers in his hand that was used to deliver a
I don't know if attachments are allowed in this group, but if not,

On Sun, 2 Jan 2000 18:00:38 GMT, (Captain Infinity)

K.B. Cunningham

Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00

"Looks like a V-8."
"Yeah, ever hear of a V-5?"
"What's that a new car?"
"No, an old sock!"
I've never understood this joke. Can you explain it to me?

V-8 refers to an eight cylinder engine on an automobile. The V-5 that
Moe threatens, is the five fingers on his hand, which is then used to
deliver the "sock" (slap).

Makes sense to me!

K.B. Cunningham

"I've always been different, with one foot over the line; Winding up
somewhere, one step ahead, or behind"


K.B. Cunningham

Jan 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/2/00
1. "I don't know where that one landed boys, but I hope it didn't hit
the pool hall!" Moe after firing an errant missile.

2. "I'm the best man, he's the worst" Moe, introducing Larry to
wedding guests.

3. ""I've been smart all the time, only YOU didn't know it!" Larry to
Moe, after an uncharacteristic compliment.

4. " That's nothing, we had a bed that went to Sears and Roebuck on the
ninth." Larry to a snooty bellhop, who'd pointed out a vaaasse that
went back to Henry the Eighth.

5. ""And THIS is my mother!" Larry, introducing Moe (in drag), to a
detective who had the "hots" for Curly.

6. "DId I give you carbolic acid? I'd love to!" Shemp, giving rocket
fuel ingredients to soldier.

7. "What a hideous, monstrous face!" Shemp, upon seeing a bat which
bore more than an uncanny resemblance to his own face.

8. "Hello, you old thing, old stuff, old fish monger, old skunk bait!"
Larry's greeting to Moe, at a society gathering.

9. "I forgot to turn it off, I feel so silly!' Larry, after going
upstairs specifically to turn off an alarm clock, Moe follows with "You
look it! and a slap.

10. "Such levity! You remind me of the Three Stooges!" Vernon Dent(?)
to the boys, who are grossly offended by the comparison, and react

Hundreds more, but no more time!

Harry Palmtop

Jan 4, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/4/00
There are a few I always use. Oddly, I think they're all from "Hold That

"Wake Up and go to sleep"

"Stop That Singin'!" -- Moe to Shemp during one of his "heep-be-be-bee"

"I ain't breathin'" -- Shemp, after being told to stop breathing down Moe's


Elmer Pintar

Jan 4, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/4/00
"Stop it stop it this minute..You DISGRACEFUL VAGABONDS!"

"Go WEST young man....go WEST!!!!!!"

"So I raised my rifle and FIRED....naturally, the lions halted.."

"Somebody give me a PIE!"....

Elmer Pintar


Jan 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/5/00
How about....

"What are you smoking, an innertube?"

"I think I'd look stunning in the riding habit."
"I think there'd be trouble figuring out which one was the horse!"


"Don't look now but I think we're about to be killed"

"Bring me back a piece of burnt toast and a rotten egg."
"Burnt toast and a rotten egg?"
"Yeah, I got a tape worm and that's good enough for it."

"Sorry Moe, I thought you was the goon."

"We all put in the yeast."

Thos1 art

Jan 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/5/00
Also one of my favorites:

Moe to Curly: "Every time you think you weaken the nation!"

God Bless AMC for doing the Right Thing by the Boys!
I bid thee peace..


"Thank you, Goodnight and God Bless..." (Thanks, Red, wherever you are!)
Remove NOSPAMO to reply
"Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive anyway."--Mark

Thos1 art

Jan 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/5/00
>2."Calling Dr Howard,Dr Fine,Dr Howard".....i'd like to see what would
>happen if someone said this in a Hospital.What would the reaction be?

A very good friend of mine who works in a hospital and is a Stoogephile of the
Highest Water was asked that same question. His answer?

"I want to see who shows up!"

"For Duty and Humanity"! I also work at a hospital and use this daily. About
one person in five gets the joke.

Malkus Rimniy

Jan 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/5/00
Pointless connection: There was a time when I could watch
the "Snow, Snow, Beautiful Snow" dialog in the morning, and
later in the day, on the same station, I could listen to the
man who actually wrote it. Stooges on WSBK (Boston channel 38)
in the morning, and then an afternoon ball game at Fenway Park
on the same station. For many years, the late Sherm Feller
was the Red Sox' announcer at Fenway, and Sherm wrote
"Snow, Snow, Beautiful Snow".

Pointless trivia, eh?

Lvpl NY

"R." wrote:
> x-no-archive: yes
> Corrections to my lines, and a couple more!
> Here's new ones by Curly from "Three Little Pigskins."
> Curly: "Did you ever hear [song] 'Snow, Snow, Beautiful Snow'?"
> Woman: "Did you write it?"
> Curly: "No, I shoveled it. I..." [stops talking when he realizes how
> dumb it sounds!]
> Later on:
> Woman: "Let's play post office!"
> Moe [I think]: "That's a kid's game."
> Curly: "Not the way I play it!"
> [laughter]
> Remove " * " to reply to me.
> -----
> R. wrote in message ...
> >Sunday morning AMC shorts with no Whoopi!:
> >
> >1. #5 Horses' Collars (1935)
> >2. #9 Pardon My Scotch (1935) [Moe actually suffers a couple of broken
> ribs
> >when he falls down from the table Curly sawed in half.]
> > The face Moe makes when he sees the saw very close to him that Curly
> uses
> >tearing through the wooden door that fell on him, is priceless.
> >From:
> >
> >1. Curly: "Moe, Larry, the cheese! ...No, limburger!" Then Moe forces the
> >limburger down his throat.
> >
> >
> >2. Moe: What's this? Curly: A fist! [bonk!]
> > ...Moe: This ought to pick him up.
> > Curly: And lay him down too!
> >[After the "scotch" the boys make in the prescription dept.]
> >
> > Guy introducing the boys: "This is Mr. McSniff, Mr. McSnuff, Mr.
> >McSnort (?)" Curly: makes a funny "snort" noise!
> >
> > Billy Gilbert in a memorable performance as the singer the boys fill
> >up with fruit by throwing (Curly "fires" a banana at him!)
> I believe it was actually Gina Corrado, not Billy Gilbert.
> > Lady: The boys will now do their native (naked) dance.
> > Curly: I'm not going to take my clothes off for anybody!"
> >3. #7 Pop Goes the Easel (1935) Directed by Del Lord.
> > Might be my all-time personal favorite of the 190 shorts!
> > A great piece of slapstick and verbal comedy.
> >
> > Moe: "How do you like that low-life?" [asked rhetorically after
> another
> >"bum" tries to borrow Moe's sign for a social secretary job.]
> > This is the episode where Joan Howard and friend had a cameo when the
> >boys play "hopscotch" while being chased!
> >
> > Curly: "You know the old saying, 'easel come, easel go.' "
> > Moe: "Easel out of here!"
> >
> > Curly: "I don't see any grouse!" [bonk!] "Look at the grouse!"
> >
> > Moe: "What do you expect to do with that?"
> > Curly: "Paint the crack."
> It is actually "Paint the cracks."
> > Curly: "Oh. Shuffleboard. Plus 10."
> > Moe: "Here's two." [eye poke]
> How could I forget! It actually went like this:
> Moe: "Pick out two
> Curly: "One, two." [eye poke]
> > Curly: "This is my sister, Crummette." [Larry] "And this is my mother
> >[Moe] (Curly using high-pitched female voice)."
> > After slapped by Moe.
> > Curly: "Whoa!"
> > Curly: "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk" (repeats)...when clay-throwing scenes start
> >just before he gets one in the face.
> >
> > Moe: "Who started this?"
> > Others: "You did!"
> > Moe: Oh, yeah! [then a fantastic quintuple (5) slap by Moe to the
> >Others!]
> After looking at the tape again, Moe didn't pull off a quintuple; he did
> an unbelievable sextuple slap! Six people, including Larry and Curly.
> >Now you know why so many people love Curly more than Shemp!
> >Curly is just funnier! (sorry to all the Shemp lovers out there; no hard
> >feelings!)

Elmer Pintar

Jan 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/5/00
"Petunia! Petunia!"
"Don't you mean chrysanthemumumumumumumums?"
"I mean "SPITUNIA"

"Use GRITTO radio friends, so your hands will have that dishpan look.
How will the old man know you've been WORKING all day, if your hands
DON'T have that dishpan look, hmmmmmm????? And remember, GRITTO spelled
sideways is "OTJHIGHI"GHGGHHH"

Elmer Pintar


Jan 6, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/6/00
On Sat, 1 Jan 2000 20:24:58 -0500 (EST), wrote:

"If I wasn't so weak from hunger I'd bat your brains out, if you had

"You got your special deck of cards?"
"We won't need them."

Jan 6, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/6/00
"Hey! That's a REAL one. I'm no fool."

"Now I'll smell good on the inside, too."

"Can I help it if I ain't Cousin Basil."

" Ohh..Ohh..Ohh... Oh LOOK!!"

" That's sabatoogie!!"

"Pardon me while I laugh. Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

"You can't get this guy out of Sing Sing." "Good! That's just where he

"Does the deer have a little doe?"
"Yeah, two bucks!"

"Here's fivesies!" [SMACK}

"Vernacular??" "That's a doiby!!"

Elmer Pintar

Jan 7, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/7/00
don't smell....GOOD!

Elmer Pintar

Jan 8, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/8/00
"Niagara Falls?????
Slowly I turn.......step by step... inch by inch....."

Sent via
Before you buy.

Brent Pellegrini

Jan 8, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/8/00
"Wake up and go to sleep!"


Jan 8, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/8/00
"Remind me to moider you later."
"I'll make a note of it."


Jan 8, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/8/00
Moe: Where's your vice?!

Curly: Vice? I have no vice, I'm as pure as the driven snow! (clasps hands together and looks heaven

Moe: Yeah? Well ya drifted!! Bionk!


Joe Frizzi

Jan 8, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/8/00
In no particular order----"There hasn't been a gentleman in our family
for 50 generations", "Did I give you carbolic acid?--I'd love to!",
"I,Shemp the Stooge , being of unsound mind,hereby prove it by leaving
all my worldly goods to my cousins, Moe and Larry.......", "That takes
care of Handsome Harold", "The mortar,the merrier", "Giff me that
filum!", "I have a little brother this high, and a little brother this
high......", "What do you mean by reading a book--suppose you learn
something?", "How dare you look like someone I hate!", " I don't want no

Elmer Pintar

Jan 9, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/9/00
Giff me dat fillum.........

Elmer Pintar

Jan 10, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/10/00
my fav's are

Why i oughta
you oughta what
i oughta be more careful

Lady: your cousin basil? then who is... how dare you pretend to be my
cousin basil, i'll teach you a thing or two, you wolf, dont you dare
strike me, taking advantage of a poor helpless woman
Larry: boy those kisses are getting louder
Lady, you you you horrible person you
Moe: what happened kid?
Shemp: can i help it im not cousin basil?

Moe: This is all your fault you

Moe: I'd knock your brains out if you had any!

Moe: Quite numb skulls, I'm broadcasting

the classic Brighto "commercial" i think thats everyones favorite

curley: i'm trying to think but nuthin happens

Moe: Anything the right brothers can do the wrong brothers can do
larry: right
curley: wrong...brothers

Jan 10, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/10/00
In article <>, wrote:
> 1. et al

Haven't read all of the posts but my favorite is

"You all have ejaculated a mouthful." (Wonder how they ever got that
past the censors!?!)



Jan 10, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/10/00
Holy cow! You're kidding?! What short is that from?

"For Duty and Humanity!"

Jan 10, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/10/00
It's me Bill Craig ( went to my e-mail name so I could
get notification of new posts ).
Back then the word "ejaculate" didn't automatically mean
something of a sexual nature ( although it WAS used
interchangably ). So, consequently you had Tom Swift-isms
like " Wow!", he ejaculated. or "Wither goest thou?", he
So the word was used instead of "exclaimed". No problems
getting it past the censors in that connotation.
Remember when the word QUEER just meant odd?
Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.....

"Tragedy is when you cut your finger. Comedy is
when you fall down an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks


Jan 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM1/14/00

Speaking oof the Niagara Falls bit in gents without Cents, did you know there's
a small blooper when the guys are at the shipyard? Listen carefully after Curly
and Larry do their part in the bit, then Larry and Moe do their bit. When Larry
and Moe start the Niagara falls bit together, Larry says "0Inch by inch" first,
instead of "Step by step" then quickly corrects himself in a whisper. .

Aug 20, 2015, 11:20:15 PM8/20/15
"Don't you dare hit me in the head, you know I'm not normal!"

"whats in the back of those drapes? the back of the drapes, oh yeah, yeah"

"you saw the garage"

"Super service"

"We come to see Ester"

Apr 5, 2019, 10:09:10 AM4/5/19
1. Here's a flower for your hat madam.....Here's mud in your eye mister.
2. Hey look...a pelican
3. I'll have burned toast and a rotten egg
4. Hey, while you're at it why don't you hock a chynik for me too.
6. Stop it this disgraceful vagabonds
7. Where are you going...just looking for a glass of water...turn on anything you'll get it.
8. Mother don't chop the wood, father is coming home with the load
9. Say Jasper what comes after 75...76....that's the spirit
10. Goiter...
and one more because I'm getting better see the pieces are getting smaller.

I just did this as they came to me. There is no top 10 Stooge quotes, there are no top 10,000 Stooge quotes; they are infinite.
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