PLANET PROCTOR 2002-22

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Aug 20, 2002, 5:15:17 PM8/20/02

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"A Palestinian mom is showing photos. "This is my oldest; he's a
martyr, Here's my second son; he's a martyr, too. Ah, they blow up so
fast, don't they?" - Canyongirl

I'M ONLY JOKING!!!! Look out!!! This Special Planet
features more JOKES than usual, gleaned from years of submissions from
the likes of rabid collectors Jack Angel, Ivan Berger, Bob Lloyd, Garry
Margolis, Magic Mike, Patty Paul, and others too numerous to mention --
though you know who you are! And if you want a credit on the site,
please let me know. Here goes... Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle
during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking, there?'
"It's a Lawrence Welk.' says Berle. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Caine
asks. Milton says, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

"There may be some tough times here in America. But this country has
gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again." - GWB
@ Waco

IN THE STOCKS Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was
stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking
equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a
slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to
recharge the market. (Report from Bongo Davis)

"When I hear the sound of money, well, that is good news!" - St.
Milligan the First, from Firesign Phil Austin

THE MALE RULES 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is
important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important
that these three women never meet. - From Patty Paul

"So, your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says
'Under God', right? So I guess that means when you were sworn in with
your hand on a Bible, and repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job
unconstitutional...which means your ruling doesn't mean squat!" - Dennis
Miller

DON'T YOU SEE? A man left work on Friday afternoon, but
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home
Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife
stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would
be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling
went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner
of his left eye.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Ivan's Jokes

BORN - AGAIN? A handyman was working for a Synagogue
had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went
out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told
that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The
priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh",
and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told
him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question.
He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia".
He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for
him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come
back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if
you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says,
"Bethlehem". "Argh!", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".

"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not
necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore
the notion of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness." - GWB, SF
Chronicle, Jan. 23

A MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT An elephant and a crocodile were
swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself
on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his
trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?"
asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that
bit me almost fifty years ago." "And you remembered him after all these
years?" the crocodile says, "Boy you sure do have a good memory." "Yep,"
says the elephant, "I have turtle recall." (Over the Transom)

"Mikhail Kalasnikov, the inventor of the assault rifle, wishes he'd
invented the lawnmower, instead of the people-mower-downer." - Phil's
Phunny Phacts

THAT'S RAT ON! A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized
bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he
decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the
bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the
story," says the owner. "I'll just take the rat," says the tourist
giving the man twelve dollars, "you can keep the story." As he walked
down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats
had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This
was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple
blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they
began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see
that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and
coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to
the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water
as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay
after it, and they all drowned. The shaken man walked back to the curio
shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No,"
said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Terrorist."

"If GI Joe is carrying a replica [weapon] then we have to take it
from him." - LAX security @ http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/england/2173150.stm

BOOLA BALL YA? Tim Tuffield sent me the tale of a Texas
football player who while visiting a Boston relative, was smitten by a
glamorous East coast co-ed at a big Holiday party. He attempted to break
the ice by asking, "Where do ya'll go t' school?" and the Ivy-league
fox, though thrown by his grammar and his drawl, gamely replied, "Yale."
The aggie smiled, took a deep breath, and screamed, "I said, WHERE DO
YA'LL GO T' SCHOOL !?"

A guy goes into a bar and orders a martinus. "You mean martini",
says the bartender. "No", says the guy, "If I wanted two, I'd have said
so." -Ivan again

CAUGHT A BIG ONE! A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to
be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards,
the phone rings and the woman picks up the receiver. Her lover looks
over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. As she
speaks in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific.
Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up and her lover asks, "Who
was that?" "Oh, that was my husband," she replies, "telling me all about
the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." (Jack's Jokes)

"A performing penis incontestably has legs." - LA Times'
"Puppetry of the Penis" review by Lewis Segal

LOCATION, LOCATION... I went to the store the other day,
I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and
said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me
and continued writing the ticket; so I called him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald
tires!! o I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket!! This went on for about 5 minutes . . . the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't give a damn. My car was
parked around the corner

"You sure have to hand it to politicians. Otherwise they'll find
some other way of getting it." - George Mair of LaLaLAND

THE REST IS SILENCE Cliff Thorsness, the veteran
CBS sound effects artist (1938-1962) who inadvertently left a
battleship-gray door, wind machine and marching foot device for the
Firesign Theatre to use on our first recordings at the Gower studios,
has signed off at 88. He worked with audio giants like Orson Welles and
Norman Corwin; and now joins fellow sound designer David L. Krebs in
that great studio in the sky. In a moving tribute to them both in
Radiogram, Tony Palermo writes, "They shouldn't go out with a bang or a
whimper. You want it to be some extraordinary montage of sound patterns
- an avalanche of milk bottles...or the Pacific Ocean evaporating...or the
sound of a heart being broken." And speaking of high-flying tributes,
before he died at 78, Edward "Steady Ed" Headrick, the inventor of the
"Pluto Platter", AKA "The Frisbee" --said he wanted his ashes to be
mixed into new copies of the famous plastic pie plate, sales of which
his family hopes will fund a museum in his honor. And finally, pal Thane
Tierney heard a Chick-ism from a caller to the Jim Rome show which
should close this item in an appropriate manner. "You can put this one
in the ground. The lid's closed, the body's cooling, the tissues are
getting hard and the body fluids are congealing!"

"So many people have been killed in the name of God, that He could
probably be named in a class action suit." - Peter David, Comics Buyer's
Guide

OH, LORD!
Hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin' daddies,
Knock me your lobes,
I came to lay Caesar out,
Not to hip you to him.
The bad jazz that a cat blows,
Wails long after he's cut out.
The groovy is often stashed with their frames,
So don't put Caesar down.
The swinging Brutus hath laid a story on you
That Caesar was hungry for power.
If it were so, it was a sad drag,
And sadly hath the Caesar cat answered it.
Here with a pass from Brutus and the other brass,
For Brutus is a worthy stud,
Yea, so are they all worthy studs,
Though their stallions never sleep.
I came to wail at Caesar's wake.
He was my buddy, and he leveled with me.
Yet Brutus digs that he has eyes for power,
And Brutus is a solid cat...
From Mark Antony's Funeral Oration in "Dig Infinity! The Life and Art
of Lord Buckley" by Oliver Trager, Welcome Rain, $30 (including CD)

NOW, GO AWAY...
THE F WORD: http://www.fuck.addr.com/news/word/larry.html
MICHAEL'S MANY FACES:http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BOOBIE:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/08/04/BA103948.DTL

"The people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders...All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and
denounce the peacemakers for ...exposing the country to danger. It works
the same in any country." -Herman Goering @ Nuremberg

LISTEN TO ME! WATCH BIG BROTHER 3!

++++++++++++(AUGUST 20, 2002)++++++++++
* FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* RARE RE-RELEASES: http://www.laugh.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR 2002-22 -
http://www.planetproctor.com