PLANET PROCTOR 2001.07
Tiny Dr. Tim
- http://www.planetproctor.com
"You can tell it's spring in L.A. when all the cute
little sports convertibles come out."
- Melinda Peterson
NORWEGIAN WOOD
London Correspondent Larry Belling sent me this sweet
story of unrequited love, from Reuters. It seems that a sex-
starved Norwegian moose fell head over hooves for a
seductive Ford "KA" but caca-ed on it when it failed to
respond to his hot, horny love. The car's owner, Leif
Borgersen said he found his poor little KA abandoned, bathed
all over with lick marks, slobber and poop.
"The front yard was simply transformed into an outdoor
lavatory," he told the Telemark Daily News. "I'm a bit
uncertain whether from now on I should risk letting the car
stand alone and defenseless in the front yard . . ."
"Physics is like sex. Sure it has some practical
results, but that's not why we do it."
- Late legendary physicist, Richard Feynman
A FEVERISH SPRING
"Wow! Pow! Zap!! Watch out! DUCK!!!" It's the first day
of Spring," wrote Magic Mike, whose Dad taught him from his
"yute" - "Tis Spring, da boyd is on da wing.; but that is
absoyd. The wing is on the boyd," remembered, no doubt, from
some obscure "Dead End Kids "movie in the 30's.
Rodney Lee observed that this week also marked the
final plunge to earth of the Russian Mir space station,
which our own Mission Control had been watching carefully,
even changing its name to - "the Nasdaq Space Station."
But you know, "Mir" means both "Peace" and "The World"
in Russian; so what crashed? Pieces of the world? Or the
world's hopes for peace? Well, in fact putting the pieces of
the world's new space station together is helping us all to
keep the peace.
Meanwhile, back on terra infirma, the irrepressible
Patty Paul informs us that in Britain, ladies will be able
to make their chests two-cup sizes bigger thanks to
"Gossard's Ultra-bra Airotic", which lets gals increase
their cleavage thanks to strategically placed airbags and a
built-in rubber pump. Modeled by celebrity babe, "Scary
Spice", it has already had 100,000 orders.
"In other words," notes Patty, "Sales are not likely to
sag anytime soon."
"Magic, like sex, is best experienced in person."
- Penn Gillette
IN "PAY RAISE" OF ACTORS
"Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people
on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day
rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime.
Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a
freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they
should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they'll
never work again. Every day they have to ignore the
possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated
their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many
of them watch as the other people their age achieve the
predictable milestones of normal life - the cars, the
family, the house, the nest egg.
"But they stay true to their dream, in spite of
sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their
entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that
gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the
audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's
nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their
creative spirit and touched another's heart.
In that instant, they were as close to magic, God and
perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own, they
know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a
thousand lifetimes."
So observes David Ackert.
"We have in our conscious and unconscious minds a great
vocabulary of images, and I think all human communication is
based on these images, as are our dreams."
- Tennessee Williams, 1953
COW S**T I KNOW?
In the face of a terrible and apparently pandemic
epidemic, this important report is re-published here from
Planet Farm Expert, Arlene Winnick:
"While there has not yet been any official confirmation
from health officials, 'and there probably won't be for the
foreseeable future,' there are indications emerging from
within the medical research community that Mad Cow Disease
is not a single malady, but one of a variety of similar
conditions of varying degrees of severity.
"The most serious of these, even more dangerous than
Mad Cow Disease itself, is Enraged Cow Disease while, at the
other end of the severity spectrum, the least threatening
condition is Mildly Provoked Cow Disease. Other variants,
listed here in order of increasing severity, include:
Perplexed Cow Disease, Annoyed Cow Disease, Indignant Cow
Disease, Outraged Cow Disease and Angry Cow Disease.
"Seeking to supplement insufficient government funding,
the private Placate -a -Cow Foundation has begun raising
money to support research through the sale of a special
recording by Barry Manilow and the remaining Osmonds (or at
least those who are still speaking to each other) of 'Make
Some Cow Happy' (make just one cow happy, make one cow the
cow you cling to, etc.) Future fund-raising efforts include
a remake of Ella Mae Morse's 'Cow Cow Boogie' and a cable TV
sitcom production of Tennessee Williams' 'The Milk Train
Doesn't Stop Here Anymore', which will probably run until
the cows come home.
In related developments, a Congressional committee will
begin holding hearings next week on Foot and Mouth Disease
during which at least some of the members will presumably
put one into the other."
"Overheard on the Range: Cow #1: What do you think of
this Mad Cow Disease talk? Cow #2: What do I care. I'm a
helicopter."
- Both of the above lifted brazenly from Richard
Schulenberg's "And Rather Muse Than Ask Why"
SERIOUS DOWN-SIZING
According to the Birmingham Sunday Mercury, a NY
publishing firm is trying to figure out why no one noticed
that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his
desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling
okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, a proof-reader for 30 years, had
a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23
other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody
noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked
why he was still working during the weekend.
"George was always the first guy in each morning and
the last to leave at night," commented his boss Elliot
Wachiaski, "So no one found it unusual that he was in the
same position all that time and didn't say anything."
Ironically, George was proof-reading manuscripts of
medical textbooks when he died. The moral of the story?
Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
"Double Agent? Your agent who doesn't find you work,
but gets deals for those you despise."
- Gary Belkin
YOU CALL THIS ART?
From John "The Antic Antaean" Achorn: A student goes to
a Japanese painter to learn about art. On the first day, the
Master brought the student a small painting and said,
"Contemplate this." Then he left the room.
This went on every day for 7 years. One day in the 7th
year the Master comes in and gives the student a painting
and says "Contemplate this," and leaves the room.
Angered, the student storms out and runs into one of
his friends who asks, "Why are you so mad?"
"I've come to learn to be a great artist from the
Master," the student replies, "and every day for 7 years all
he does is give me a new painting and ask me to contemplate
it. For 7 years! I feel like I'm learning nothing! And
today, to add insult to injury, he brought me a rather
inferior painting, judging from the weak brush strokes,
overuse of ink and non-integrated forms."
"Painter Was Also an Impressionist"
- AP headline from Richard Schulenberg
WWWHAT'S IN A NAME
Over the past five years, Planeteer Jay Bernzsweig
registered several domain names, which now, due to
Boom.Dot.Bust, he is offering for sale. "No reasonable
offer," he asserts, "will be refused," (No wonder...)
www.liposuctionwarehouse.com
www.hasidicpartygirls.com
www.celebrityvomit.com
www.gaysforbuchanan.com
www.pethairnovelties.com
www.syringe-art.com
www.cheesesculptures.com
www.republicanwelfaremoms.com
www.iraqtourism.com
www.britishbeefcouncil.com
www.houseofstomachpumps.com
www.airpakistan.com
www.headlicesocialclub.com
www.floridaelectionboard.gov
"We agnostics can use a good laugh . . . send in the
clones!"
- Ed Kysar
IN A RUT
Rich DeMaio recently attended a Director's Guild
presentation honoring "The Rutles" and says Neil Innes was
asked how he made The Rutles' songs sound so much like those
of The Beatles.
"All I had to do," he answered, "was write Beatles
music and leave out the originality and inspiration!" He
also revealed that when a reporter asked Mick Jagger how he
got the deep lines in his face, Mick replied, "Laughter."
"Nothing," the reporter retorted, "is THAT funny . .
.!"
And Eric Idle, in trying to answer a Monty Python
question, finished with, "That doesn't really ANSWER the
question, but it avoids it . . ."
"If we knew we were going to be The Beatles, we would
have tried harder!"
- George Harrison
A GREEN SPRING
Michael Bell forwarded me a piece from his friend's
Aunt Fran in Brooklyn, who supplies him with his "Jewish
crack...s".
Since the National Education Association is celebrating
"Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to
children, "Green Eggs and Ham" is naturally one of the most
popular books - and there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids
celebrate green Eggs and "HAM"? So, in honor of (and with
apologies to) the estate of Dr. Seuss, here's a new ending:
"Will you never see?/They are not KOSHER,/So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham./I will not eat them,
Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit. Or I will try
them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box./If you serve them with
some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try/ Scrambled up in
matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon the river,/I'll eat green eggs with
chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,/But troubled by
green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best
with chicken soup!"
"If a kid with a rifle comes out of the library and
sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of school
shootings."
- April Winchell, KFI Radio
CRASH! BANG! BOOM!!!!
On March 22, William Hanna, of the revered Hanna-
Barbera cartoon company, lost his animation at the age of
90, while March 24 marks the 90th birthday of his surviving
partner, Joe Barbera.
Renowned for creating such classic entertainment as
Scooby Doo, the Jetsons, the Flintstones and cross-over
artists Tom and Jerry, who danced with Gene Kelly in REAL
movies, I had the pleasure of working with him as "King
Gerard" in the "Smurfs" series, as welll as in a Christmas
special with my wife, Melinda.
Also, Richard Stone, a composer who won seven Emmys for
his work on Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain and Tazmania,
which I also worked on, joined the heavenly orchestra on
March 9 at 47, after a long battle with cancer. Stone was
widely acknowledged as the modern-day successor to Carl
Stalling, whose zany musical scores accompanied many of the
classic Warner Bros. cartoons. Stone also scored over a
hundred of the Steven Spielberg-produced "Tiny Toon
Adventures", reviving the Stalling tradition of fully
orchestrated scores, synchronized music to character
movement and a sly musical sense of humor. Donations may be
made to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, P.O. Box 1010,
Torrance, Calif. 90505.
"Exiting a movie that had particularly good audio, an
audience member was overheard saying, 'Wasn't it well lit! .
. . Great audio can brighten a film like no other production
element.' "
- Lee Davis of Sound Mind Theater
AND MORE OF HEAVEN'S GAINS
We've lost some real luminaries recently, like Ann
Sothern at 92, who said in 1987 "I think Hollywood has been
terrible to me. Hollywood doesn't respond to a strong woman,
not at all. How dare a woman be competitive or produce her
own shows?" That same year, she earned her first Oscar
nomination for "The Whales of August".
And farewell to the Mamas and the Papas' John Phillips
at 65. Best remembered, I think, in an L.A. Times letter
from Michelle Hart who wrote of Phillips' philanthropy in
driving them home after their car became unavailable after a
visit to their dying grandmother. John responded when
complimented on his vehicle, "It's a Lamborghini, especially
built for me, especially built for my karma, for situations
such as these, when I can help someone who needs it."
And finally, close the book on Robert Ludlum, master of
the spy thriller, who dotted his last "i" at 73. I worked
with him as an actor with Vaughn Meader and the late, great
Ronny Graham in the mid sixties when he ran the New Jersey
Paramus Playhouse.
A mutual friend, director Don Wilde, had encouraged him
to try his hand at playwriting, but said of his first
effort, "The plot is too complicated, but it would make a
great book." The rest is publishing history . . .and now,
silence.
"I enjoy receiving Planet Proctor very much. It helps
make up for the loss of Pluto."
- Former classmate, John Field
+++++++++++(MARCH 25, 2001)++++++++++
* FIRESIGN SITE: http:www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http:www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http:www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http:www.funnytimes.com
* PP: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php
--
Tiny Dr. Tim
abroad the paisley horsey
t...@tinydrtim.com
ôżô
~
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Life. That's what Billville's about. All kinds of life.
Teeming baculums, narrowed-eyed Dinglebeeks,
riots of tick lilies, instincted hinks, engorged gumstones,
hibernating under heaving fields of numbing hemp.
And people. Don't forget - the people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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