Monty Python's Scottish Poet
Warrick Bell
VOICE OVER (John) From these glens and scars, the sound of the coot and the
moorhen is seldom absent. Nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and
crags. The rush of the mountain stream, the bleat of the sheep, and the
broad, clear Highland skies, reflected in tarn and loch... (at this moment
we pick up a highland gentleman in kilt and tam o'shanter clutching a
knobkerry in one hand and a letter in the other)... form a breathtaking
backdrop against which Ewan McTeagle writes such poems as 'Lend us a quid
till the end of the week'.
Cut to crofter's cottage. McTeagle sits at the window writing. We zoom in
very slowly on him as he writes.
VOICE OVER But it was with more simple, homespun verses that McTeagle's
unique style first flowered.
McTEAGLE (Terry J) (voice over) If you could see your way to lending me
sixpence. I could at least buy a newspaper. That's not much to ask anyone.
VOICE OVER One woman who remembers McTeagle as a young friend - Lassie
O'Shea.
Cut to Lassie O'Shea - a young sweet innocent Scots girl - she is valiantly
trying to fend off the sexual advances of the sound man. Two other members
of the crew pull him out of shot.
LASSIE (Eric) Mr McTeagle wrote me two poems, between the months of January
and April 1969...
INTERVIEWER Could you read us one?
LASSIE Och, I dinna like to... they were kinda personal... but I will. (
she has immediately a piece of paper in her hand from which she reads) 'To
Ma Own beloved Lassie. A poem on her 17th Birthday. Lend us a couple of
bob till Thursday. I'm absolutely skint. But I'm expecting a postal order
and I can pay you back as soon as it comes. Love Ewan.'
There is a pause. She looks up.
SOUND MAN (voice over) Beautiful.
Another pause. The soundman leaps on her and pulls her to the ground. Cut
to abstract trendy arts poetry programme set. Intense critic sits on
enormous inflatable see-through pouffe.
CAPTION: 'ST JOHN LIMBO - POETRY EXPERT'
LIMBO (John) (intensely) Since then, McTeagle has developed and widened his
literary scope. Three years ago he concerned himself with quite small
sums - quick ready bits of cash: sixpences, shillings, but more recently he
has turned his extraordinary literary perception to much larger sums -
fifteen shillings, L4.12.6d [Four pound twelve and six]... even nine
guineas... But there is still nothing to match the huge swoop... the
majestic power of what is surely his greatest work: 'Can I have fifty pounds
to mend the shed?'.
Pan across studio to a stark poetry-reading set. A single light falls on an
Ian McKellan figure in black leotard standing gazing dramatically into
space. Camera crabs across studio until it is right underneath him. He
speaks the lines with great intensity.
IAN (Eric) Can I have 50 pounds to mend the shed?
I'm right on my uppers.
I can pay you back
When this postal order comes from Autralia.
Honestly.
Hope the bladder trouble's getting better.
Love, Ewan.
Cut to remote Scottish landscape, craggy and windtorn and desolate. In
stark chiaroscuro against the sky we see McTeagle standing beside a lonely
pillar box, writing postcards. The sun setting behind him.
CRITIC (voice over) There seems to be no end to McTeagle's poetic
invention. 'My new cheque book hasn't arrived' was followed up by the
brilliantly allegorical 'What's twenty quid to the bloody Midland Bank?' and
more recently his prizewinning poem to the Arts Council: 'Can you lend me
one thousand quid?'
Cut to David Mercer figure in his study at a desk.
CAPTION: 'A VERY GOOD PLAYWRIGHT'
DAVID (Michael) I think what McTeagle's pottery... er... poetry is doing
is _rejecting_ all the traditional cliches of modern pottery. No longer do
we have to be content with Keats's 'Seasons of mists and mellow
fruitfulness', Wordsworth's 'I wandered lonely as a cloud' and Milton's 'Can
you lend us two bob till Tuesday'...
Cut to long shot of McTeagle walking through countryside.
McTEAGLE (voice over) Oh gie to me a shillin' for some fags and I'll pay
yer back on Thursday, but if you wait till Saturday I'm expecting a divvy
from the Harpenden Building Society... (continues muttering indistinctly)
He walks out of shot past a glen containing several stuffed animals, one of
which explodes. A highland spokesman stands up into shot.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A HIGHLAND SPOKESMAN'
HIGHLANDER (John) As a Highlander I would like to point out some
inaccuracies in the preceding film about the poet Ewan McTeagle. Although
his name was clearly given as McTeagle, he was throughout wearing the
Cameron tartan.
[Moves off onto other topics]
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W M "And I tried and I tried but she looked W
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W _ _ _ __ M Knife through my head when she talked so W
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W ]_][_[ . ]__[ . ]___[ M Knife in my head when I think of Cindy, W
M W Knife in my head is a taste of Cindy." M
W M W
M W - The Jesus and Mary Chain - M
W M "Taste of Cindy" W
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