Script for Series 3, Episode 7 (Plain Text)
Bon Scott
THE FAST SHOW: 3rd Series, #7
The players:
AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players
1. PATRICK NICE
[MW is still spraying his plants in the conservatory]
MW ...and yea, all the prophecies were fulfilled. And verily black was white.
And all the rivers of the world ran with milk and honey and wine. And
green were the valleys.
[slight pause for a few squirts]
MW And the Seraphim, Lord of the Allahim and the Nazarim on high... and death,
and war, and pestilence, and famine, and hypocrisy, and envy - and greed
were banished. For all eternity.
[slight pause]
MW Which was nice.
[INTRO CREDITS]
2. THE DEAF STUNTMAN
SD Right, that's all that set?
PS Great. Is the stuntman ready?
SD Yes, he's in position.
[slight pause as we see a quick shot of JT]
SD Now, lemme get this right, so there's no more cock-ups. Basically, my man
just jumps through the van window.
PS Yes.
SD Super.
[PS turns to address the assembled crew...]
PS NOW, THE LIGHT'S GOING! WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE SHOT OF THIS!
[PW comes across to talk to PS]
PW Danny?
PS Yes, Jeff?
PW Designer asked for five minutes to re-adjust the wire with the washing on it.
Sorry.
[PS doesn't look to happy about this, and snaps back...]
PS All right, make sure it's five.
[slight pause as PS raises his megaphone...]
PS CHI-IP? TAKE FIVE - WE NEED TO RESET THE WIRE.
JT SET MESELF ON FIRE? ALL RIGHT!
[JT gives a thumbs up, then gets his lighter out and immolates himself.
WHOOMF! he runs around the set, setting fire to the clothes line, the
caravan, and all other props in the vicinity. later, a charred and sooty -
but otherwise unhurt - JT is sat down on the ground, resting, as a slightly
pissed off PS and the rest come up to him...]
PS Yes. Well. Thank you for that, Chip.
[slight pause as JT wipes the face of his wristwatch, and says helpfully...]
JT Five past seven.
3. TAFFY
PW Tea's up! I reckon them fashion's all look bloody stupid, I do. I mean, no-
body wears clothes like that in real life, do they?
[slight pause]
PW Nobody I know, anyway.
4. RON MANAGER
[PW and MW are in the studio as usual, but AW is standing in for SD]
AW Hello! And welcome to Cable Sports' "Live On One: Football In Focus", with
my special guests, Ron Manager and Tommy Buxton, MBE.
PW Could I have a nice cup o' tea please, my darling?
[AW looks bemused, then PW turns to address MW]
PW You all right, Tommy? I was out at a charity do with old Jimmy Hill last
night. It's marvellous, isn't he? Wasn't it? Mm? You know, a-ha!
AW So, Ron, a lot to look forward to, this season.
PW Ahahahahahahahaha! Any sign of that cup of tea, my love? Two sugars,
please. Some people say I'm sweet enough, but we know the truth - eh,
Tommy? Hahahahahaho!
AW Tommy, turning to Liverpool for a moment-
PW Aha! I think she's doing it to you now, Tom! Ahahahahaha! Ahahahahaha!
Oh, dear me, no. Come along. No - joking aside, love - I'm spitting
feathers here, you know. Let's have a nice cup o' tea before the anchor
man gets here, shall we?
AW Thank you, Tommy. So, to sum up-
PW Ahahahahaha!
AW I-
PW Ahahahahaha!
AW I think that this seas-
PW Ahahahahaha! Oh...
5. SWISS TONI
[M1 comes into the office, trying to get into CH's good books again...]
M1 Here's your coffee, Swiss.
CH Ah! Thank you, Paul. Most welcome.
[pause as CH flaps a paper napkin open and tucks it in his shirt collar]
CH Eeurgh! Oh, no. No. Coffee is quite foul, Paul. Tastes like the strainings
from the Devil's jockstrap! You can't just throw a cup of coffee together!
[slight pause as CH sniffs for thought, before struggling out with...]
CH Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to
be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and
firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you
put in the milk.
[M1 catches something out the corner of his eye...]
M1 Er - customer, Toni!
[lengthy pause as CH stands up, and observes a woman outside, looking at
the cars. CH breathes in deeply, before announcing...]
CH You go, Paul.
M1 Me?
CH Yes. It'll be... good... training for you.
M1 But this is the first customer we've had since I started work here!
CH You... go!
[M1 reluctantly makes for the door, then dashes out]
CH Thank you. Thank you.
[pause as CH looks out the window, looking pensive and sighing...]
CH You've got to get it back, To-ni. You've got - to get it - back.
6. PUB LANDLADY
CA The uvver night, right, we was lyin' in bed, my 'usband Ken, he got on top
of me, I opened my legs, he penetrated me wiv 'is phallus. You know what
it was, don't you? We was 'avin' sex. Simple as that.
7. ROGER NOUVEAU
[JT is having dinner with MM, AW and M1]
JT ...and Wright just knocked it in. It was a fantastic goal. Probably one of
the best goals I've ever seen. But wait - the linesman ruled it off-side. Ha-
ha!
AW Oh, yeah - listen, what is offside? Is that when the ball goes off at the
side?
JT A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! "Off at the side"? "Off at the side"? No, no. Offside
is, well it's off-side.
[AW doesn't get it, prompting JT to snap...]
JT Look, it's simple. Simple.
[JT picks up the salt and pepper pots and arranges them on the table]
JT Offside. There has to be... a defender between the att- when the ball's
kicked forward, there has to be a defender near the attacker, and- no,
hang on, erm...
8. JESSE'S FASHION TIPS
MW This season, I'll be mostly wearin'... nipple clamps.
9. THE NICE PAINTER AND HIS WIFE
[CH and AW are walking through a rapeseed field in a picturesque valley]
AW We'll be glad of that hot chocolate when we get there - won't we, Johnny?
CH Oh, yes. Be most welcome. Did you bring any of those... delicious ham
sandwiches, with that ham we had the other day?
AW Yes, I did. Sorry, there was no butter, so it'd have to be with marge. But
I think they'll - very affect the taste very dramatically.
CH My WORD! Just look at that sky! We must set up quickly, and we shall
have to work like demons to get it down!
AW Yes!
CH It really is most impressive. We could lose it in a moment. What we should
do is- is really just, erm, sketch it in for now.
AW Aha.
[slight pause]
CH I mean, the contrast in it is quite lovely, though.
AW Oh.
CH The whites. The black.
AW Johnny.
CH The black. The- the- the blackness. THE END!
[slight pause]
CH You lock me in the cellar and feed me PINS!
[slight pause]
CH PINS!
[slight pause]
CH PINS!
[slight pause]
CH Oh! What's for tea, mother? INK STEW?
[CH picks the picnic basket up and throws it]
AW I think we'd better be going home now, Johnny.
CH DOOM! THEY'RE DESTROYING OUR CITY!
[CH kicks the easels over]
10. 13TH DUKE OF WYMBOURNE
[PW is in a barn, with some cows in some stalls in the background]
PW Me? The 13th Duke of Wymbourne? Here? On a farm? Unattended? With
my reputation? They must be absolutely stark raving bonkers!
[slight pause]
PW Daisy? Daddy's home!
[moooooo!]
11. BILLY BLEACH: "MIXED RACES"
[SD is talking to CH, who's tending bar]
SD I tell ya what - that Tiger Woods is the dog's bollocks, innie? Mixed race,
y'see. Part Afro-American, part white man, part Dutch, an' part Vietnam-
ese. An' them four different races, 'ave combined to produce the perfect
golfer. An' still so young!
[slight pause]
SD The Afro-American, right, that's 'is natural grace - for 'is drivin', right? The
Vietnamese - for when he's in the rough, you got me? All the jungles an'
'at - they 'ave a network o' tunnels? An' the Dutch in him makes 'im laid-
back - for 'is temperament, an' the white man means he can get on the
course in the first place.
[pause]
SD Diff'rent races 'ave diff'rent genes, y'see? But it don't always work out for
the best. Bloke I know, 'is old man was German, an' 'is mum was a Morocc-
an. He 'ad a carpet shop. Very well made, but borin' patterns.
[slight pause]
SD Anuvver geezer I knew, 'is old man was a Pygmy, an' 'is mother was French.
Brilliant cook, but he couldn't reach the stove.
[slight pause]
SD 'nuvver geezer I know, 'is old man was Russian, an' 'is mum was a Swiss
Arab. Used to see him, walkin' ten yards behind the old man, wearin' a
yashmak, drinkin' vodka out of a cuckoo clock.
[slight pause]
SD 'nuvver geezer I know, 'is old man was French, an' 'is mum was French.
He was a cun...
[interference takes over]
12. CHANEL 9
[MW and AW are presenting a cooking programme for C9]
MW Mantenato io su don cuisina del mondo, testa don cookina Angleterros!
[pause for whizz-bang jingle]
MW Ey!
AW Oh, exotica! Mia adora ton cookina Angleterros!
MW WAAAAAAAY! Ipsi halo estronda cathos, eh, skid pid decato ton "fry up".
AW Ooh!
MW Wang chung! Pierro! Ton saussie-son.
[MW holds up some pork sausages]
AW Mmm!
MW Dia ingrediamentos: porka, testicos, scrotal sack... e SAWdust.
AW Mmm! Bollocks!
MW Mantenato... ton baicon, ton olba, batteria, tinny ton tomato paton-
AW Oh! Tu a dia tinny tomahto paton, ia dia tinny tomayto paton!
MW A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-har!
MW Blas tit on sliced white, e finalamento... ton FAT!
[MW slaps a great wodge of solid lard straight into the frying pan]
MW HO! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[slight pause before MW realises he's forgotten something...]
MW Oh! Mio stupido! Mio oublietto ton "black pudding".
AW Oh! E quatton fabricato ton "black pudding"?
MW Fabricato ton bloot.
[AW thinks he's joking that it's made from blood]
AW Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
MW Ne. Facto, facto. Bloot clot.
[pause as AW swallows heavily - she's looks a little queasy]
MW SLAP - IT - IN! HA-HA! HARGH!
[MW scrapes everything into the frying pan at one go]
13. ROGER NOUVEAU (cont.)
JT ...when the balls kicked forward, the linesman rules offside when the ball is
struck behind the halfway line.
M1 That doesn't sound right.
JT No, of course it doesn't sound right, because you're not listening properly.
Look, it's simple. When the ball is kicked forward, there must be an
attacker near the defender...
[slight pause]
JT Now let me- that- that's not right.
14. CHANEL 9 (cont.)
[AW and MW drinking a traditional English cuppa]
AW Le sperimentos ton "teabag"?
MW Ne. Pyramidos. Mucha roomy flavour.
AW Mmm!
MW OH! FINITO!
[MW drains the now liquid fat out of the frying pan. still looks pretty raw!]
AW Ooh!
MW Tua especimente testacoria?
AW Ne, ne!
[AW doesn't sound too keen, but MW makes a sweeping "plane ride" arc
with his hand - like you would for a child - and guides it into AW's mouth]
MW Wheeeeeeeeeez-BANG! Keeurgh!
[AW reluctantly gives in, and takes a bite of the "saussie-son". it's still
dripping in fat, which promptly runs all down her chin]
AW Mmmm!
MW Mmmm! Mmmm!
AW Mmmm! Oh!
15. ROLLIE BIRKIN QC
[PW is snoozing soundly in his armchair, with the occasional outburst...]
PW Zzzzzz...SIX BREASTS!...Zzzzzz...he has a pint gin nose!...Zzzzzz...
completely covered in hair...Zzzzzz..."don't point that thing at me!", she
said...and then she came...Zzzzzz...blew my hat off!...Zzzzzz...penicillin!...
Zzzzzz...
16. THE STOOGES
SD Has da money come?
CH Has da money come?
AW Yes, it's come.
SD What's-a-come?
CH What's-a-go?
SD What's-a-come-an'-a-go?
[CH squeezes his horn, surprising SD - HONK!]
SD Doh! Why-I-oughta-
[CH clouts SD one with a spade, then SD offers AW some flowers]
CH These are for you!
SD These are for you!
AW Thank you!
SD Ah, are these for me?
CH This is for you!
[CH clouts SD one with his spade again]
SD Why-I-oughta-
CH What's-a-come-an'-a-go?
SD What's-a-come-an'-a-go?
17. GIDEON SOAMES
SD Good day, my name is Gideon Soames. Today, we are standing in the
ruins of a once great monastery, St. Bartholemews. Which was home to
the Leventine monks. A rare order of men, who worshipped not a god, but
a huge ball of string. Here at the chapel, and cloisters. As an order, they
were principally soap dodgers, refusing to wash even their hands.
[slight pause]
SD For a diary, written by one of the monks - Brother Lucious Grub - has been
unearthed, and translated from the Latin, by Some Bloke. I have been lucky
enough to obtain certain extracts from the diary, which - with your kind
permission - I shall read to you. I know it's all rather higgledy-piggledy, but
they do give a fascinating insight into the workings of a 15th century
monastery.
[slight pause]
SD 9th of December: got up, ?? point towards a my soul ??, said prayers to the
Great String Ball. I really am beginning to smell. Bedtime.
[slight pause]
SD 12th of December: got up, breakfast in the Great Hall with Brother Kevin.
Onion or turnip? That is the question. I'm beginning to smell like a dead
sheep left in the sun. Ah, bedtime.
SD 15th of December: today, as we approach the Christian festival, the Abbot
has decreed that we take an oath not of silence, but of speaking from the
corner of the mouth. [SD duly tries it...] Ah, bedtime.
[slight pause]
SD 17th of December: got up, worshipped the Great String Ball. How long is a
piece of string? I've no idea. ?? Spectre ?? by now is writing one letter in
Latin. Still, there's always bedtime.
SD 19th of December: got up - ah, bedtime.
[slight pause]
SD I'm afraid that's all I've been able to obtain, but the whole diary will soon be
available from Prentiss Books, entitled "Touching Cloth".
18. THE WILEY INTERROGATOR
[M1 and SD have been interrogating MW, who is seated at a table in a cell.
JT enters the room, in George Smiley guise, and takes off his hat]
JT Hello. I'm sorry I'm late.
[lengthy pause as JT comes over to the table and sits down]
JT You, er... you haven't seen the, erm, the, er...
MW Top secret microfilm?
[JT casually says, in an offhand manner...]
JT Yeah. Yeah.
MW Passed it to the Russians last Thursday.
[pause as the others all smile, point at him and go...]
*3 Ah-haa!
[slight pause as MW realises his faux-pas]
MW (Shit.)
19. THE GIRL WHO NO-ONE CAN HEAR
[PW and M1 are stood talking to CH, who's locked himself out of his car.
AW is stood behind them, listening]
PW I tell you what you gotta do, mate - you wanna get, er, the old screw-
driver, get in behind there, an' - y'know - force the lock up, like that.
M1 No, no - you'll wreck the door. You wanna get a coat-hanger, put it down,
an' then try an' pop it up.
CH Yeah, yeah - I'd thought o' that, but the- there's nothing for it to get 'old
of.
PW No.
M1 You a member of the A.A.?
CH No.
PW We could smash a window.
CH Can't do that.
AW Erm, listen - I know what to do. You get a tennis ball, cut it in half, and
then put it over the lock, and then smash it with the palm of your hand,
and the air pressure forces the lock up.
[PW tries fumbling with the lock]
AW Erm, there's a sports shop just round the corner.
[pause as PW suddenly has a brainwave. AW can't believe them...]
PW Oh, I've got it! I know! You wanna get a tennis ball, cut it in 'alf, right,
put the half over the lock, there, give it a little tap with the palm of your
hand, and the air pressure pops the old lock up... yer in, bingo!
CH Yeah?
PW Yeah.
M1 Yeah, there's a sports shop just round the corner.
CH Brilliant!
PW Proper result! I tell you what, though-
AW Erm, can any of you actually hear me?
20. ARCHIE
[F1 and CH approach a seated PW. they've just been to a ballet]
CH Do you mind if we, er...?
PW Be my guest, son.
[slight pause as F1 and CH sit down]
PW You just been to the old bally, 'ave ya? Across the way?
CH Yes, that's right.
PW Oh-ho-ho. I thought so, yeah. 'ardest game in the world, the old bally
game, y'know. Oh, yeah. It's the competition, y'see. So much of it.
Yeah. Not to mention the old wear an' tear on the knees! Public don't
understand that. Y'see, I studied under Nuriyev, I did. Yeah. ?? nasty ??
Thirty years man an' boy, I done it. Oh, yeah. I 'ad to give it up in the
end, I got a- a very bad back injury. With all the liftin', y'see? The leadin'
ladies an' the pirouettin'? Yeah. 'ardest game in the world.
[slight pause]
PW I won my club match on Saturday, 'avin' a cut. Sixteen an' 'alf pound o'
chubb, I 'ad. All on a double-caster. On the far bank, under the old 'ouse-
boats. Stan come last.
[slight pause as PW has a quick sup]
PW I very much... like the music of Frank Sinatra.
[slight pause]
PW I've got a small dog at home.
[slight pause]
PW She's not very 'appy, an' all she do's sick.
21. BILLY BLEACH
[we see a young boy, climbing up a tree. when he finds a suitable branch,
he works his way along it, till he comes to SD sat on the end, who says]
SD Someone's sittin' there, son.
22. MR KIPLING
[MW is stood in front of an empty fireplace]
MW He - would - carry - POLISHED CONKERS in his many capacious pockets. Of
these, he would distribute to small boys in the parish. Consequently, when
the pubs chucked out of a Friday night, he was regularly beaten senseless!
23. ROGER NOUVEAU (cont.)
[JT is still using the salt and pepper pots etc to explain himself]
JT ...let me explain this to you, in a way that you'll all understand, yeah? OK?
There's the defender, there's the attacker, there's the goalie, and there's
the ball. Now, he passes the ball to him-
AW I thought you knew all about football?
JT I DO!
[JT calms down a bit]
JT When the ball is kicked forward, there must be an attacker BETWEEN the
defender.
EM Between the defender? Between the defender and what?
JT Yes! BETWEEN! BETWEEN! It's a well known footballing phrase!
M1 BETWEEN?
JT YES!
M1 A footballing phrase?
JT YES!
AW So what does it mean?
JT AARGH! GOD!
[slight pause as JT throws the condiments on to the floor in a fit of pique]
JT JUST FORGET ABOUT IT! YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN FOOTBALL! God,
you're so detached from reality!
[slight pause before JT says, sulkily...]
JT I'm going to clean my boots.
[the other three smile - they've successfully wound him up]
24. THE INSECURE WOMAN
[the FS crew are in sombre mood, standing around a freshly dug grave]
CH Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection...
AW (I could cry. I've made a complete fool of myself with this hat, haven't I?)
[slight pause]
CH ...in sure and certain hope of the resurrection of our Lord...
AW (Thing is, I just know it's making me look really jowly, isn't it? Come on, tell
me - you may as well tell me the truth. Look, dressing attractively for a
funeral is no joke. Look, while I'm at it, you may as well tell me - does my
bum look big in this suit?)
25. INDIE CLUB
[SD is presenting the sister programme to JT's Jazz Club]
SD Give it a name, brothers and sisters! Sullivan Rhodes for puttin' the sounds
into your head. Tonight, Indie Club brings you Colon. The most talked
about new act since Kurt Cobain did some interior decorating with a gun an'
'is brain. Already the corporate whores of the mu-sick biz are on their
backs with their legs wide open, praying for Colon to show them just how
dangerous music can be. Like a one-hand grenade going off in a convent.
No-one's heard anything like this before. But by Christ, it's loud an' it's
dangerous. See them tonight at the Dublin Castle, three pound fifty on the
door, or three pounds concessions. Which is the only concession Colon will
ever make, because they would rather die than compromise.
[slight pause]
SD Everything you know is wrong, because Colon are here. Give it up for Colon
with "Kick - In - The - Sun".
[cut to the band. the lead singer is a spit for the Beautiful South man]
M1 "Nancy, I fancy, I'm fall in love with you-ou, I hope some people will under-
stand, I just wanna hold your hand. The world is such a big, big place an'
you make it a little big-ger, you've got such a nice face, and you've also
got a nice fi-igure..."
[cut to quick shot of SD, who turns round to mouth...]
SD Wicked!
M1 "I saw it shinin', ba-by, ba-by, let's go an' have some fu-un..."
[is this the blandest band you've ever heard or what? now for some really
enthusiastic backing vocals from the rest of the guys...]
*3 "Have some fun, ba-by"
M1 "I saw it shinin', ba-by, ba-by..."
26. INTERESTING LIFE
[a nervy EM is in the kitchen, mixing punch, when MW appears at the door]
MW Hello, dear! How's it going?
EM Nearly done, love. Now, did you get the things we need for the party? The
beer, the crisps and the nuts?
MW Even better than tha-a-at! I got a soluable P.H. testing kit, some silly
sweets, a-n-d a crab knife!
27. SUIT YOU
[M1 is admiring himself in a mirror, when PW leaps out from behind it]
PW Are you enjoying the trouser, sir?
M1 Yes, they're, er, they're very comfortable, they're just a little- a little long.
PW Ooh! Suits you, sir. Ooh! Step over here, would you, sir?
M1 Right.
PW See the red X on the floor, sir?
M1 Yep.
PW That's right. "X marks the spot", doesn't it, sir?
M1 Ha-ha-ha!
PW Ooh! Suits you!
[slight pause]
PW Could you turn round this way, please sir?
M1 Yes.
PW Face this way.
M1 Right.
PW That's right, sir.
M1 Er...
PW Not nervous, are you, sir?
M1 Erm... no!
PW Good. Put your hands in your pockets, sir.
M1 Right.
[slight pause as M1 complies]
PW And have a good jiggle about, sir!
[pause as M1 just stands there]
PW Go on, sir! Fiddle, sir! Jiggle, sir!
[MW appears from nowhere...]
MW Manhandle your man-handle, sir?
[slight pause]
PW Ooh! Suits you!
MW Suit you, sir!
M1 I'm not sure I exactly under-
MW Come on, sir! We all do it, don't we? We all like to have a good rummage,
don't we, sir?
PW Some days it's essential, isn't it, sir? A spot of genital husbandry?
[slight pause]
M1 I don't think that this is necessary.
PW It's the only way to see if they fit, sir.
M1 Oh, yes.
MW See if they're comfy. See if there's room for manoeuvre, sir.
[slight pause as M1 still doesn't look too sure...]
*2 Trust us - we're tailors.
M1 Er, OK.
PW Go on, sir! Really stir that soup!
M1 Right.
MW That's it, sir! Don't be shy, sir!
M1 Right.
MW Ooh! Blimey, it's like the World Snooker Championships in there, sir!
PW Go on, sir! Rearrange the three-piece!
M1 Ha-ha!
PW Ooh!
MW Come on, sir! Ring those bells!
PW That's right! Don't ?? the meat and two veg, sir! Shuffle those plums!
MW Ooh!
PW Ooh!
M1 Ha-ha-ha!
*2 Suit you, sir!
[slight pause as M1 stops]
PW Now, we did video that, sir.
M1 You what?
MW We video'd it, sir. Not that we would ever dream of showing it on a T.V.
screen in a shop window on the High Street, sir.
PW Busy busy High Street, sir. Where it might attract the attention of some of
your friends, or your family, or your work colleagues.
[PW gets his pen out, and holds it up for M1. click-click!]
PW Would you like to open an account with us, sir? And then we'll say no more
about it.
MW I'll fetch the easy-to-complete paperwork, Ken.
PW Suits you!
28. THE DOG TRAINER
[EM is in the field again, with a load of doggy jumps behind her]
EM Right, now we're going to have some fun!
[slight pause]
EM Quail... GO!
[EM flicks her stopwatch, but doesn't watch the dog, who doesn't move]
EM Just look at the dog go. And believe me, he's enjoying this just as much as
you are. He's loving showing off his skills, and hoping to beat his existing
record of thirty six seconds!
29. THE STOOGES (cont.)
SD Anyway, I gotta go. What's-a-come? What's-a-go? I gotta go! I got a
very important date with a woman. Not wife, but a woman, but a girl, ??
but a bend. I-gotta-come-I-gotta-go-batta-demon-batta-boast-beef ??
[CH appears and blows his horn - HONK!]
CH Who are you?
SD Who are you?
CH What's-a-come-an'-a-go?
SD What's-a-come-an'-a-go? She go! I come! You come! What's that for?
Is that for... duh!
[CH belts SD one to the back of the head with a sledgehammer]
CH What's-a-come-an'-a-go?
30. DAVE ANGEL, ECO WARRIOR
F1 "In a moonlight shadow, he passed on worried and warning, carried away
by a moonlight shadow, lost in a riddle that sends..."
[SD is sat down at a campfire, with his new hippy friends MW, PW, CH and
AW. MM is mincing her way through the camp behind them]
SD 'ow ya doin'? Dave Angel, 'ere. I'm 'ere with a few o' me new pals.
Smudge, Tofu, Roadkill, an' Arabella. An' they're protesting about the
construction of a brand new motorway, which is being built slap bang in
the middle o' one o' the oldest forests in England. Sharney Wood, to be
exact. It's a beautiful spot. People'a been comin' here for over a hundred
years. To picnic, play simple games, or walk hand in hand with their
nearest and dearest. An' they wanna bulldoze it all away for a road.
[MW pats SD's shoulder in gratitude...]
MW You tell 'em, Dave.
SD Take yer 'ands off me, you freak.
[pause]
SD Meanwhile, while we're up here, below the surface o' the ground there are
thirty more people - just like us. It's only their way of creatin' a future.
[SD hears a noise behind him - he turns to see MM driving their 4-wheel]
SD What's happenin'? Oh, for cryin' out loud. Shirley! Oh, for Gawd's sake,
what's she doin'?
[slight pause as MM ploughs right over one of the tents...]
SD SHIRLEY! YOU CAN'T PARK ON SOMEONE'S TENT!
31. LONESOME COWPOKE
[PW is in cowboy guise, sat watching TV in his log cabin]
M1 ...the oil from the well to the refinery is high, and the power source has
got to be reliable. Failure can't be tolerated. Oil which isn't pumped
today, is lost forever. And supertankers can't be kept waiting...
[PW's little dog appears at the door, yapping loudly]
PW Lawks-a-lawdy! What is it, boy?
M1 ...choices will be increasingly toward the Rustin industrial gas turbines...
[the dog keeps yapping]
PW What's that you say?
[the dog gives a yowl, then a yap]
PW There's somethin' outside?
[the dogs gives another yap and a growl. PW looks outside the window]
PW Best get my hat.
[pause as PW clanks his way on to the porch, looks around for a minute,
then comes back in. the dog is now wearing a dainty party hat...]
PW Doh! Ceugh! Ther'ain't nothin' out there, boy! Ceugh! Ceugh! Ceugh!
[pause as PW reads the banner behind the dog, which proclaims...]
PW Yor - mi - frend. Ceeurgh! Ceurgh! Ceurgh! Ceurgh! Ceurgh!
[PW slaps his thigh in traditional cowboy fashion]
PW Ceurgh! Ceurgh! Well, little fellah! Your - my - friend also, boy! Ceurgh!
Ceurgh!
32. CHECKOUT GIRL
CA Hiya, love. Oh!
[CA has just picked up the haemorrhoid cream]
CA "Johnny Giles, Johnny Giles, Johnny Giiiles, Johnny Giles, Johnny Gi-iles."
That's two fifty eight, love.
33. THE POSH COCKNEYS
[PW and AW walk into a pub. JT is the barman, PS is sat down at a table]
PW Hello, you simple Northern Folk! We're Cockneys! Yes. East End, born and
bred. We love our old mums!
AW Hello! Have you any jellied eels?
PW Har! That's right, Cockneys. We're hard as nails, but loveable and cheeky
with it!
[slight pause as PW catches PS looking over at them]
PW I say! You there! That fellow! You're an absolute shah! Are you looking
at my lady?
AW P-l-e-a-s-e, Justin - we don't want any trouble!
PS That's all right, pet. We can handle ourselves. We're Geordies, divn't ya
kna!
AW Ah.
[pause as PW puts his fists up and sticks his chin out]
PW Put 'em up, you northern SCUM!
[JT slams a glass down on the bar]
JT Hayway an' shite. Now, stop it, you soft southern puffs! I'll have no
rumpus in here! Now, ?? pipe towards each other ??
[PW proffers his hand to PS]
PW Here we are - shake on it.
PS Way aye, man.
[M1 - a black man, in 30's swinger garb - strolls into the pub]
M1 Er, check me one time, whitey.
[pause as M1 plays to the audience]
M1 I'm a Yardy. ?? From a ten in the yard ??, in a Kingston-stylee. You know.
Kingston. In Richmond-Upon-Thames.
[slight pause as M1 turns to JT]
M1 You! Draftsclerk - Pims all round!
34. THE ANXIOUS POOR
[a lift door pings open, revealing MW and his tribe poised to leap out...]
MW Quick! Quick!
35. COLIN HUNT
[AW is in the office, answering the telephone. CH is reading printouts]
AW ... er - yes, Mr Uckyourself. Yes. Yes, I'll tell him.
CH Not Keith Uckyourself. What does that prat want?
AW He's popping in to have a word about the new letterheads.
CH Oh! Letterheads, betterheads, better dead than letterheads!
AW A-ha!
CH Huh-huh! Right, well we'd better batten down the hatches, hatten down
the batches, and whistle down the witches!
AW Right, so I'll, er, rattle down the latches! Ha!
CH Ho-ho! Touche, Doreen.
[JT leaps in from the door, brandishing a gun which when fired pops out a
small flag which reads, "Hi There!"]
JT A-har! Morning-tiddly-awning! Har-har-har-har-har!
[JT blows a raspberry]
JT Ooh! Pardon me! Hur-hur-hur-hur-hur! Oh, dear! AH! Doreen!
[JT gets down on one knee]
JT Will you marry me?... to Pamela Anderson. Ha-ha-har!
[JT suddenly spots CH]
JT Colin! This office isn't big enough for the both of us!
[JT gets a water pistol out of his briefcase and squirts an unamused JT]
JT Ah, how does he do it? Ah, no hard feelings, Colin.
[JT offers his hand for CH to shake, but when CH reaches out JT moves his
hand to his nose for a "nyah, nyah" gesture, accompanied by a raspberry]
JT Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!
CH Yes - about this letterhead, Keith.
[JT pulls out a plastic sword, and playfully wields it about a bit]
JT PISH, TOSH and FYE, sir!
[JT pulls out a small urn]
JT Oh! A-ha! Little Ern!
[JT pulls out a teddy bear]
JT Tiggerth! Splth! Splth!
[JT pulls out a plastic bat (as in Batman)]
JT Listen to de children of de night! Har!
[JT pulls out a catapult]
JT Look out, Colin! Hurgh!
[JT pulls out a plastic fish]
JT Fishes in the sea! Bobbin' along! Bobbin' along!
[JT pulls out a small statue of a cat]
JT Aw, what a lovely pet. Aw.
[JT makes out it's biting his neck]
JT Aaargh!
[JT pulls out a fake snake, and doo-doodles some snake-charmer music.
then - of course - it "attacks" him]
JT Aaargh!
[JT pulls out a starfish and flings it across the room]
JT Pah! Grasshopper!
[JT pulls out a pack of frozen fish fingers, then chucks them]
JT How many fingers am I holding up?
[slight pause]
CH Yes - very amusing, Keith, but I am rather busy.
[JT puts his hands on his hips]
JT Ooooooo-ooooooo! Get Hancock over here. All right. Point taken.
Message received and understood!
[JT makes a nazi salute]
JT Jawohl, mein Fuhrer! Now, er, Colin - could you just have a look at these
designs? Er, see what takes your fancy?
[JT pulls a piece of paper out of his briefcase. only, it's tractor feed paper,
and it goes on for several feet]
CH Thank you, Keith.
JT Thank you.
[JT makes to leave the room, but not without a parting...]
CH Mornin' to ya, Ma'am.
[slight pause as JT leaves, CH turns to AW and says...]
CH Oh, Lord spare us from office jokers, Doreen.
[END CREDITS]
36. THE DOG TRAINER (cont.)
EM Geddin there! Geddin! QUAIL! Qua-il! Go!
[the dog doesn't move, so EM tries pushing him]
EM GO! Will you GO! Oh, GO ON, Quail! GO! Quail! GO!
37. MR KIPLING
[MW is shadow "swordfighting" with his thin cane. he laughs to start with,
but then it turns to tears...]
MW Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[original script (c) BBC 1997
transcribed by Bon Scott]
--
Bon Scott