Script for Series 3, Episode 5 (Plain Text)
Bon Scott
THE FAST SHOW: 3RD SERIES, #5 (1997)
The players:
AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players
1. CHRIS THE CRAFTY COCKNEY
[outside SD's newspaper stand. a subdued looking PW comes up to SD]
SD 'ello Chrissy, mate! 'ow ya feel? A little bit whoa a little bit weyy a little bit
swish-swish-swish-swish-swish?
PW No, not really. To tell you the truth, I'm a little bit phuh a little bit urrr a
little bit nnnnnng.
[INTRO CREDITS]
2. CHECKOUT GIRL
CA Hiya, love. Air freshener. 'ouse pong, does it? Free range eggs. Y'know,
they're only ordinary eggs, them y'know - but with a bit o' shit on.
[slight pause]
CA Sanitary towels. Y'know, that dry weave top sheet - it's change my life.
[slight pause]
CA Red wine. Are you celebratin'? Wish I could celebrate somethin'. Two
pound fifty an 'our, I'm on. Nowt t' celebrate, is it?
[slight pause]
CA Nine pound twenty seven, please.
3. THE SQUEAMISH ZOO KEEPER
[MW is manically running around in circles in an animal enclosure]
MW GAAAEEEEUUUURRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! EEURGH! URGH-URGH-URGH!
NNNNNNGEURGH!
[slight pause as MW gets his breath back]
MW It weed near me, and it splashed me on the wellies!
[MW runs out of the enclosure]
4. THE DEAF STUNTMAN
[the FS crew are down the docks for the latest stunt]
CH Chip, we'll just go through the safety checks on the bike for later, all right?
JT I used to watch it, but it's not as good as it used to be, is it?
[cut to PS]
PS So - let's see - he jumps the bike over the car, falls off, and hits his head
on the false rock, yeah?
SD Yeah. That's about the size of it, yeah.
PS Sweet. Are you happy with the position of the rock, Mike?
SD Yeah, it all seems to be hunky-dory. Er, obviously I'd like to walk through it
with Chip - y'know, beforehand.
PS Where is he?
CA He's just behind some- Jamie.
PS Oh, yeah. Chip? Come and talk through with Mike about the rock.
JT Ride me bike into the dock?
[JT zooms off at full pelt, over a ramp and straight into the dock. SPLASH!]
5. BILLY BLEACH
[M1 walks into an empty pub - save for SD, who is watching M1 over his
shoulder. M1 sits on an empty bar stool, prompting SD to comment...]
SD There's someone sittin' there, mate.
6. COMPETITIVE DAD
[at the local park's tennis courts, B1 and SD are having a match. only, SD
is being run all over the court by B1, and he's losing. badly...]
SD Damn! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[a few minutes later, it's nearly all over...]
B1 Right. Forty-love. Set point, match point.
SD Yes, get on with it. And try and remain dignified. There's no need to be
unsportsmanlike.
[B1 duly serves for the match, and promptly aces SD]
B1 Y-yeah! Yes! Yes! I did it! I beat you, Dad! Thanks for the game.
Shake on it.
[B1 comes up to the net to offer his hand. SD sighs and waves his racket,
refusing to come to the net. then he comes out with...]
SD Right. Let me show you what you were doing wrong with your serve.
7. CHANEL 9 / TON 13TH NATIONALE FILME & TELLI-WELLI AWARDEN
[at an awards ceremony in C9 land, CH and AW are coming down some
steps on to a stage, singing a duet in Micki Disco and Trudi guises...]
*2 "Showbiz!"
CH "Ton style!"
AW "Ton filme!"
*2 "Showbiz!"
AW "Ton guys!"
CH "Ton girls!"
*2 "Showbiz!"
AW "Ton filme!"
CH "TV!"
PW "An' radio!"
*2 "Showbiz!"
AW "The glamour!"
CH "The pussi!"
PW "Crazy nights! Lazy days!"
[slight pause before the big build-up]
CH "Academiaaa!"
AW "Republicaaa!"
CH "Sminki-pinkiii!"
AW "Especiaaale!"
*2 "ARSE!"
[PS comes bounding down the stairs now, heading for the rostrum. he
kicks one leg in the air, and then cups himself!]
PS Oh, eh? Welcome! Ha-ha! Wilkommen, bon soir - oh, and howdy-doody!
Eh? Ton ceremonios audi speciale von musica, telli-welli, filme e
campaigne militarios! He-he-he-he-he-he!
[PS mimics machine-gunning the audience - who don't seem to be listening]
PS Hethethethetheth, hethethethetheth, Chrith Waddle.
[slight pause]
PS U moros - incidenta - tuto, tuto fibra alimento - premordial, no dig, oof,
golf links! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He-he! Ee-ah-eh introducarios o von Anna
Gestapo!
[MM appears and comes down to the rostrum. PS leans back to admire
her backside, then has a good look down her cleavage!]
MM Bono estente, hethethethetheth. Ton nominazi, domenazi, communazi,
kibbutz y naciacion, categarios dramatico. E se potrebi, "Thrombosis",
"Conflicto Urbana", e "El Amora El Passionne".
[clip #1: "Thrombosis" - PW is a surgeon with CA is his assistant, in an
operating theatre. some poor unfortunate is being operated on]
PW Nikki slevo. Arrakis y copulato. Oh! Ton suno a mas! Liver pate! Ah!
Spongi-spongi-spongi!
[PW is perspiring heavily. CA holds up a pair of forceps with some cotton
wool on the end. instead of swabbing the patient, she mops PW's
fevered brow instead. and it's love at first dab]
PW Oh, George Clooney! Rrrr-woof!
CA Oh!
[they remove their face masks and start snogging, to cries of Ooh! Aah!
etc. PW holds up the patient's liver in his hands. blood starts spurting
all over them, but that doesn't stop them kissing]
[clip #2: "Conflicto Urbana" - PW is in head-of-Smirsch guise (black jumper,
eye-patch) and is playing chess with AW in a posh apartment. PW is
muttering...]
PW ...-ublica, hethethethetheth, Chris Waddle, bang-bang-bang-bang, sminki-
pinki, to tuca me capa hetheth. Appetito tutos tutos laves buto toresta e
scuso mas keni bare con te diega tuto mareves e tuto matematicas pa tuto
aravat e cuto maro-
[PW suddenly jumps up and starts screaming...]
PW YER A SLUTTO! STUPI MAKA KERERE! EH? EH?
[PW then throws the chess board and pieces in the air in a fit of pique]
[clip #3: "El Amora El Passione" - AW and JT are having domestic argument.
AW is suspicious of the smudge visible on JT's shirt collar]
AW Questo lotharos stick on lip?
JT Uh? Uh. Oh.
[JT looks in the mirror, and tries to wipe it off. AW is breathing heavily]
AW Slutto stupido! Hethethetheth, hethethethetheth, bang-bang-bang!
JT Mio tuto, pussycat. Mio tuto.
AW Stuto pupo moronicos sinatra! "PussyCAT!"
[AW slaps JT on the cheek]
JT Ooh!
[JT thinks for a second, then smashes her one in the face. AW falls back
on to the sofa]
[cut back to the awards ceremony]
MM El victorio este... El Amora Y El Passione!
[cut to JT's table. JT is doing the "I can't believe I've won!" bit]
JT Ohhhhh! Oh!
[JT makes his tearful way to the stage, to be greeted with a kiss from MM]
MM Spirioso. Mm-wah! Mm-wah!
JT Oh! Ah! Ce magnificoso presidentoroso. Demoke - bantene - silver creek.
Oh - gon - fris. VOSENE!
[the usual get-out-of-sketch interference takes over]
8. MR KIPLING
[MW is walking down a school corridor as he's talking]
MW ...between the prefect's teeth. And should any bright young spark aspire
to be headboy of this august institution, he would first have to prove his
mettle, by facing a series of trials by ordeal. The most awesome and
sacred of which, was kicking the face of the school rabbit.
9. COMPETITIVE DAD (cont.)
[SD and AW are lying in bed, later that day. SD is brooding, and AW is
trying to find the right words to console him over his defeat...]
AW But darling, he only won because you've taught him so well.
[slight pause]
AW He's never beaten you before.
[pause]
AW Look, it's only a game.
[SD quickly props himself up. AW hurriedly corrects herself...]
AW Er, no - I didn't mean that.
[slight pause as SD lies down again]
AW It's your teaching methods.
[slight pause]
AW It was a fluke.
[slight pause. AW's face lights up as she thinks she's on to something...]
AW I expect you let him win, didn't you?
SD Well, I wasn't going to say that.
AW Well... there's no need to be so upset.
[slight pause]
SD It's not the defeat that bothers me, it's his behaviour afterwards. The boy
was positively repellent. He's got a very competitive streak. I think he's
got it from you.
10. TAFFY
PW Comedy's a funny thing, innit? I mean, though - I know it's meant to be,
obviously, it's just... well...
11. ARCHIE
[PS is in vicar garb - dog collar, etc. he comes over to PW's table]
PS Is this seat taken?
PW Oh, be my guest.
[pause as PS sit's down]
PW You a man o' the cloth, are ya? Huh? Oh, yeah. What denomination-
don't tell me, let me guess. Episcopalean?
PS Anglican.
PW Oh. Yeah. Oh, the old Anglians. Yeah. I tell ya what, it's the 'ardest job
in the world, the old religious game. The old preachin' game? I admire you,
y'know. All the kneelin' an' prayin'? Oh, yeah. 'ardest game in the world.
Yeah. I done it meself, y'see. Thirty years, man and boy. Uh. Fire and
brimstone, I was. Yeah. Old school.
[PW starts pointing at PS while making his oratory...]
PW "For the Lord thy God is a jealous God!" Hur! I never let anyone off the
'ook. No. Hu-hoo! I was a demon in the pulpit. Well, not literally.
[slight pause]
PW Yeah. I 'ad to give it up in the end. Terrible back injury. All the kneelin'
an' prayin'. Yeah. Terrible. I done me coccyx. Yeah. Oh. Mm. Me an'
Stan was on the River Thames, the other day. A charity match, raisin'
money for the little kiddies at Great Ormond Street. Yeah. Yeah. Not a
lot, really. I 'ad four roach, yeah. Couple o' goers. Biggest was only
twelve ounces. Stan didn't 'ave a touch! I hope he catches some'ing
soon - he's gettin' bloody miserable!
[pause]
PW What do you think of, er, Harry Connick Junior? Uh? He's like a young
pretender to Frank Sinatra's throne, isn't he?
[PW face suddenly looks like thunder]
PW I tell ya what - I won't 'ave 'im in the 'ouse.
12. JESSE'S FASHION TIPS
MW This season, I'll be mostly wearin'... no cap!
[slight pause]
MW An' no vest, either.
13. JAZZ CLUB
JT Hello, and welcome back to Jazz Club. Nnnnice. Tonight: Dinner Jazz.
Mmmmellow. We're very pleased to have on the show, perhaps the most
popular exponent of Dinner Jazz working in America: Stepney Green, with
his band, The New Headhunters. Grrreat. It's not the original Headhunters
line up, of course. I mean, how could anyone really replace the late Charlie
"The Bulb" Roberson. With their new drummer, Mint Green, under the tuition
of his brother Soylent, is really quite good. And, one day, he'll make a
great jazz musician. Grrreat. Rrrreally great. So, with the title track from
his "Crazy Nights, Lazy Days" waxing, here's Stepney Green and The New -
not quite as good as the old - Headhunters with "Crazy Nights, Lazy Days".
Crr-razy.
PW "Crazhy nightsh, yeah!, and lazhy daysh... you make me high, in sho many
waysh... dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-doo... do-do-dooby-doo...
bugadoo... crazhy nightsh a-and lazhy daysh..."
[camera cuts to CH - "Mint Green" on the drums for the solo. a couple of
taps into it, he promptly loses them over the front of the drumkit]
14. ROLLIE BIRKIN QC
PW ...lazy takes in your brain...and the women there are absolutely sex mad!...
I managed to drain the wound into a tin cup...
[PW mimes blowing a poison dart]
PW ...like that...pierced labia...I opened my eyes and...by jingo! I realised I'd
married three of 'em!...then, they made me their chief...obviously...the
witch doctor never liked me, he was forever burying his...I mean, I made
a terrible faux pas in their culture...and I bluffed my way out, and they
chased me for several weeks...surprising they didn't catch me, because I
was absolutely smashed! Of poisonous frogs!
15. BILLY BLEACH
[an old woman is walking along a pathway to a park bench. SD is sat at
one end, watching her approach. as she sits down, SD says...]
SD There's someone sittin' there, love.
16. THE DOG TRAINER
[EM is in a field holding a dog on a leash. SD is in the far background]
EM Quail, Sire and Dan are both field trial champions, which means he's a born
retriever! Now, I'm going to send him for a retrieve, which Dan will throw,
and salute with gunfire. When you're ready, Dan!
[SD throws a stick, and fires his starter pistol. EM signals to the dog]
EM Get on!
[the dog doesn't move an inch]
EM Get on!
[sight pause]
EM Go on, then!
[slight pause, before EM sighs and says sheepishly...]
EM Well, he's never done that before.
17. THE ANXIOUS POOR
[MW is leading his tribe across the entrance to an alleyway]
MW Quick! Come on! Quick!
18. COLIN HUNT
[CH is in a pub with some of his friends. MW is tending bar]
CH Land, ho! Har-har-har! Ah, appears to be low tide at Glass Bay. I shall
get some replenishments.
[CH repeats the word "replenishments" in Franglais. It comes out as...]
CH Replenishmon! Ah.
[CH goes up to the bar, and bangs the metal tray on his head]
CH Mule trai-ain! Ha-ha-ha! Ohh, dear. Can I have a pint of Alec Guinness,
please. Ha-ha-ha-ha! And, er, two pints of Carl Lagerfield, a Gin Davidson,
a Boris Smirnoff, and half a George Best. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha.
[a deadpan MW tolerates CH's "order", looking rather subdued]
MW Anything else?
CH HUTS!
[slight pause]
MW Bag o' nuts?
CH No. "HUTS! Old naval huts! OOH! Cavalry take them and they cover
them with chocolate! Umbongo! Umbongo! You stick it up your jongo!"
I AM INSANE! Quite, quite mad. Huh-huh-huh!
[MW looks serious, and says quietly...]
MW So am I.
CH Are you totally bonkers? Bibble-bibble-bibble! Ha-ha! Ha!
MW Well, I'm clinically depressed.
[slight pause as CH looks uncomfortable. MW continues to elaborate...]
MW I had a very bad breakdown last year, and I'm still recovering.
CH Hu-huh.
[CH quickly walks away from the bar, doing his "Quasimodo" impression...]
CH The bells! The BELLS! Sanctuary! Esmeralda!
[CH sits back down at his table]
CH They're closed.
19. CHANEL 9 (cont.)
[back at the award ceremony, PS is still in full flow...]
PS Oh-ho-ho! Vera cuto echa smello. Tik-tik-tik-tik-tik! Eh? Tik-tik-tik-tik-
tik! Ha! Oh!
[PW appears in "Mario" guise behind PS, who doesn't see him at first]
PS Tik-tik-tik! Y mantenato, ton nominaze, duminaze, communazi, kibbutz y
naciacion, categarios comedia. E tua introduciari...
PW Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh! Plusti, plusti! Min slip slap and slide!
[PW is pretending to "paint" PS with his brush. PS is not amused, and
says between clenched teeth...]
PS (Libre ton nominazis).
PW Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! No! Ton nominazis bia programme comedia - "Plip E Plop:
Don Comedia Explosione".
[PW draws a laboured breath]
PW "Ton Twelf Ronnies".
[PW draws another laboured breath]
PW Y "Malle Hombres Disgustante"
[one last drawn out breath from PW...]
PW Y ton victorios esta...
PS Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh! Retardo! Estete! Esteta! Tua ejaculari
prematurios!
PW Oh! Mia retardo!
[clip #1: MW and CH as "Plip E Plop". they are dressed in clown(ish)
costumes in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. they overfill their cereal
bowls with giant size cereal packets. MW's reads "HONKY TONKY - NIP!
NIPPLE! POP! NOM HORS SULTANARAS! BANANARAS!" CH's reads
"WINKY WANKY". they pour milk all over the bowls, and add huge spoon-
fuls of sugar. then pull their shirts up and bare their chests. and turn
the bowls full of cereal over their heads. MW pretends to be cold. CH
disappears stage right, and comes back on with a giant frying pan (a la
Vic and Bob), and proceeds to piledrive MW into the floor with it. MW
simply jacks himself up with his elbow, and misdirects CH's attention
elsewhere with a quick...]
MW Regardo! Ton toti los!
[which enables him to pick up his own giant frying pan and smash CH in the
face with it]
[clip #2: PW and JT make up two of the "Twelf Ronnies". the other ten are
stood behind them talking and drinking wine, at a social gathering. there
are six Ronnie Barkers (inc. JT) and six Ronnie Corbetts (inc. PW).
suddenly, all the Ronnie Barkers ask...]
*6 Scuso, con dora tia es es mantenato?
[all the Ronnie Corbetts look at their watches. which are in their left
hands. the same hands that are holding the wine glasses. so - guess
what? - they all spill wine over their fronts in unison. as they're looking
down their fronts, a busty female comes bouncing through the door, and
runs through the gathering. prompting an immediate...]
*12 PHWOAR!
[...from all concerned, closely followed by the regulation English arm signal
for nookie. then they all decide to chase after her. cut to the old sign-
off routine - only, there's twelve of them sat behind the newsdesk
instead of the usual two. as the camera pans down the desk, they all
parrot together...]
*12 Butros-butros gali para mio, e butros-butros gali para dio.
[clip #3: MW and SD leap into their living room, and jump on to the sofa
either side of AW, who is trying to watch TV. MW has badly smeared
lipstick around his mouth, and is wearing a bra over his shirt]
MW BONKO RUMPO CRUMPET!
[both MW and SD pull the ring tabs on their tinnies, spraying all over]
*2 OH! EY! AH!
MW Ey! Regardo, regardo, regardo!
[MW pulls a sock out of his pocket, and loudly blows his nose on it. CA
comes into the room, looking slightly annoyed]
CA Who viesta mia wonderbra?
[MW looks sheepish, and folds his arms over his chest to hide the evidence.
it doesn't work, as CA has already spotted it]
CA Oh!
[AW throws her wine over MW. SD tries to lighten the mood again...]
SD Bonko rumpo crumpeto!
[cut back to the awards ceremony]
PW Ton dita riosa... Malle Hombres Disgustante!
[the "Malle Hombres Disgustante" table are delighted with the result (MW is
still sporting badly smeared lipstick). the "Plip E Plop" table are in partial
costume (wigs and glasses), but they look sick. we see CH lean over to
MW and mouth "Fuckin' fix!". the "Twelf Ronnies" are none too pleased,
either. PW and JT - at the front - lead the raspberry blowing and two
fingered salute to the camera. the "MHD" four run on stage and raise
the trophy above their heads in triumph, before the interference takes
over again]
20. 13TH DUKE OF WYMBOURNE
PW Me? The 13th Duke of Wymbourne? Here? In the changing rooms of the
Brazilian synchronised swimming team?
[PW grins, and looks at the shadow of two naked ladies on the wall]
PW (Let's hope I live up to my reputation!)
[PW turns around and issues the warning...]
PW Here he is! Here I come! Time for a rubdown!
21. NO OFFENCE
[SD is browsing through the store, when AW accosts him]
AW Would you like to try "Drill Bit" by Taylor-Woodrow? It's provocatively
musky, and contains real cinnamon.
SD No, I'm already wearing Calvin Klein.
AW Oh. And... quite right too. An appropriately feminine smell for sir. My
mistake. I should have realised your not really manly enough for this
particular line of toiletries, are you? I see quite clearly now, you are much
more of a Calvin Klein type of, erm... person. No offence.
22. TED AND RALPH
[PW is mending a fence when CH approaches, calling from a distance]
CH TED! Ted. Ah. Barbed wire. Excellent. Erm, this is rather embarrassing,
actually, Ted, so I shall come straight out with it. Erm, you know the other
day I-I said I would leave you everything in my will? Well, I have a just
spent... a rather alarming morning with Mr Pinker, the, er, family solicitor,
and... it seems that I had not taken into account death duties, and unpaid
bills, and... a rather complicated tax situation, which I shan't pretend I
understand. Erm, so when I said I would leave you everything, er, every-
thing may not be - well, it will be everything - but it won't be, er, what-
what-what it will be, is, er, er... you see, what I- what I'm trying to say,
er, ahem!, what I'm trying to say, Ted, is that... that I would very much
like you to have... the framed - photograph - of my - parents - in India.
Erm, as you remarked, it is, er... very hot, out there. Erm, you know more
of the world than you let on! Ted. And, erm, how is the bailer doing?
PW Er, it needs a new alternator, sor.
[slight pause]
CH Well.
[CH makes to walk back to the big house]
23. SIX HOURS IN MAKE-UP
[JT is in a hair net and poncho, sat in front of a dressing room mirror. CA
is brushing JT's face with powder]
JT I play John Drummond. A hardcase U.S. marine commando. Whose family
are kidnapped by evil drug-dealers. In order to infiltrate the gang, I
disguise myself as Jane. A widow living next door. It would be very easy
for a woman to play this part, but I have to learn the mannerisms. Shave
my hands. And spend at least six hours in make-up.
[CA puts a blonde wig (which looks more like a mop) on JT, who immediately
adopts a "Rosie Perez" style squeaky hispanic accent]
JT Oh, my goodness! How you walk in dese t'ings?
[pause before JT feels it necessary to emphasise (back in his own voice)...]
JT I'm not gay, you know.
24. RON MANAGER
SD Well, Ron, what we're looking forward to in the coming months can only be
described as a veritable feast of football.
PW What, we're going to be eating footballs, then? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[slight pause. SD's face is deadpan]
SD Very funny, Ron.
PW Thanks very much!
MW If football be the food of love, play on!
[slight pause. MW looks rather pleased with himself]
SD Tommy - there's no need to gild the lily.
[MW is immediately deflated]
SD But seriously, the World Cup in France in the summer, a cracking season
here at home, and a fair sprinkling of premiership representatives going into
Europe.
PW Ah, but do we really want to go into Europe? You know, the E.R.M.? Mm?
Isn't it? R.E.M.? Who's that, over in the corner? It's me! Losing my
religion!
[slight pause]
PW ?? tried to curl one in at the near post. Hard to say, really. Isn't it? Mm?
Marvellous.
[SD makes some sweeping gestures with his hand to get PW back on track]
SD Ron. Football. Europe.
PW Oh, yes. European football. Do we really want it? Mm? You know, the
over-acting? The hirsuit faces? Ha! The First World War? Christmas
1914? We beat them then - didn't we, eh? In No Man's Land? Enduring
image, isn't it? You know, mm? Young men? Between the wires? Heads
for goalposts? Shrapnel! Mustard gas! Over the top! Over here! Over-
paid some of them, aren't they? Mm? You know. Hoh! Oh. Dolce et
decorum est. Frio patria more. Mm? Isn't it? The futility of war. I mean,
what happened to the Germans in 1917? They were on top, and suddenly
they collapsed.
SD They didn't have the supply lines, Ron. They were over-extended.
PW Yes - an army marches on it's stomach, you see? It's my point. Yes.
Well, obviously not literally on it's stomach. It uses its legs.
[slight pause]
SD Ron, I would love to sit here with you and talk about the First World War
all day, but... the second half's about to commence, and we go back to our
man at Elland Road - Allan Guinsberg.
[the lights dim. all three start wagging their index fingers at each other]
25. HAIR TRIGGER
[CH and MM are at a restaurant. CH signals for PS - the waiter]
PS Yes, sir - are you ready to order?
CH Er, I think so, yes. Er, I'll have the Chef's Pate, and also the grilled...
[slight pause]
CH Oh, I'm sorry, I've just come. The grilled scallops. And for main course, I'll
have Roast Rack of...
[slight pause]
CH I do beg your pardon, I've just come again. The Roast Rack of- of Lamb.
MM A-a-and I'll have, erm, Lamb's Kidney, erm - I'm sorry, I've just come.
[slight pause. PS is a little taken aback, but perseveres...]
PS And, er, for wine? Sir?
CH Er, no - it's all right. Could you just order us a taxi, please? We've both
just come.
26. PUB LANDLADY
CA Last Saturday - Arthur wants it two o'clock - place starts fillin' up. Loads
o' people with scarves and bobble-'ats on. Talkin' about football. Quarter
to free - place empties completely. Didn't see 'em again till - gone five.
You know what it was, don't you? Football fans. Simple as that.
27. THE NICE PAINTER AND HIS WIFE
[CH and AW are sat at the side of a stream, painting]
CH ...that cloud over there's, just - ah. Whoops! Oh, no - never mind. No,
look - I just draw that down, across there, and it's a tree! A tree! Use
your imagination. Lovely.
AW You can almost feel the paint coming alive, can't you?
CH Yes. It's mix and draw, mix and draw. Up. Up into that - into that lovely
sky. The, er, rain is the sky's blood pierced by the sphere of foolhardiness.
AW Sophocles.
CH I think so. I think so. Chase your clouds of destiny. Chase them 'til you
cannot chase no more. Some, er, clouds of destiny over there.
AW Glass of wine, Johnny?
CH Oh, thank you. Yes. Ah! The grape. The sweet red grape. Dark, and...
black.
AW Johnny.
CH Black!
AW Please!
CH Black, and... BLACK!
[CH throws the wine out of his glass]
CH WE DON'T WANT TO DIE!
[CH drops his paint box]
CH (They wait for me in the forest!)
AW Johnny.
CH WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST, MOTHER? MAGGOTS ON TOAST?
[CH picks up his easel, then throws it to the ground]
AW I think we'd better go home now, dear.
CH EEURGH! A TREE! IT'S A TREE!
[CH runs out of shot. we hear a loud SPLASH! a few seconds later]
28. SUIT YOU
[a very smart SD, in dickie bow tie and bowler hat marches into the shop]
PW Good morning, sir - and how are we, today?
SD Blooming, thank you. And you?
[PW is taken aback with SD's confident retort, but manages the old...]
PW Radiant, sir. Radiant.
SD Good, good. Now, I'm looking for a suit. Not to formal, not too casual.
Lightweight, not too flimsy. A neutral colour, but not too dull.
PW Ooh, you know your own mind - don't you, sir?
SD Yes, I suppose I do.
PW Oh! A suit, sir. Suits you. Is that all your after, sir?
SD Yes. After all, I have enough socks. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[SD tips his bowler. PW racks his brains for something to shock SD with...]
PW Have you ever thought about going at it full pelt with tranny, sir? Ooh! A
shemale? A man-woman-man? Ooh!
SD Why do you ask?
[PW didn't expect that calm, casual reply - it catches him off guard]
PW It's just a matter of interest, sir. I take an interest in that sort of thing.
SD I see. And you?
PW Sir?
SD Have you ever sampled the unique delights of a ladyman?
[PW's eyes widen in horror - this conversation is the wrong way round!]
PW I really think that's none of your business, sir!
SD You're quite right! Now, this suit.
[a subdued PW has been taken down enough pegs to act like a real tailor]
PW Yes, sir. A suit, sir. These were tailored in Thailand, sir.
[but MW thinks he can come to the rescue...]
MW Anything goes out there - doesn't it, sir? Have you spent much time out
there, sir? In Bang-KOK!
[slight pause before PW leans behind SD to warn MW...]
PW (Watch out, Kenneth - he's a live one.)
MW Hmm? The sex capital of the world, sir? Hmm? But don't you feel grubby
after a while, sir?
SD Yes, I generally feel I need a thorough cleansing after I've mired myself in
the addictive world of pornography, prostitution and perverse sex games.
[both PW and MW now can't believe SD's got the measure of them]
SD One always hates oneself, don't you think?
PW Well, er...
SD One feels the need to reaquaint oneself with the finer things in life. With
purity. With love. With innocence. And then...
[SD hooks an arm over PW and MW's shoulders, and squeezes them to him]
SD ... it's down with the trousers, out with the old chap, and come on ladies,
come on gentlemen, come on you TRANNIES! Fruits of the forest!
Sapiers! COME SLIDE DOWN THE GREASY POLE OF MY DEPRAVITY! I'LL
BRING THE CHICKENS!
[SD looks rather pleased with himself. PW and MW are dumbfounded!]
29. BILLY BLEACH
[SD is sitting on a pew, halfway down an empty church. a man approaches
and sits down behind SD - who's been keeping an eye on him out the
corner of his eye...]
SD Someone's sittin' there, mate.
30. CHANEL 9 (cont.)
[the C9 awards ceremony is still going on. CA - "Poula Fisch" is now stood
up at the rostrum. she looks more than a little merry]
CA Oh! Hey! Scorchio! Ton nominazi, dominazi, communazi, kibbutz y
naciacion categoria presentera meteorologicos este... Willi Woolyman, Bibi...
et - oh! Eta moi! Ha-ha-ha! Poula Fisch! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[clip #1: SD is "Willi Woolymann"]
SD Bono estente. Meteorologicos astro montolympicos quattro centi philipos
toura bara-barametric eeni-meeni. Agrocos barametric bigdis and largiti,
anticyclone pro-cyclone hethethetheth hethethethethethetheth cuco pine
pot ai mishka.
[clip #2: we see "Bibi" stood beside a weather chart, dressed in a scanty
bikini. all she does is look pretty, giggle, and wobble. from off camera,
we hear the director prompt...]
M1 ULRIKA!
[clip #3: CA uttering her usual same-temperature-everywhere forecast...]
CA Scorchio!
[cut back to CA at the awards]
CA E ton victor este... Poula Fisch!
[CA looks at the audience for a second, before remembering that's her]
CA Oh! Mi-o! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[quick shot of Bibi's table, where she's sulking]
CA Eek! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[CA continues laughing. then she falls over backwards. THUD!]
[END CREDITS]
31. THE ANXIOUS POOR (cont.)
[MW and his tribe are running past a fountain]
32. THE INSECURE WOMAN
[deep in the Arctic, a blizzard is howling. we see an eskimo clad in furs, on
all fours, arse sticking out in the air, seemingly about to enter an igloo.
instead, the eskimo backs out and pulls the hood back, to reveal a face
which asks...]
AW Does my bum look big in this?
[eof]
--
Bon Scott