Script for Series 2, Episode 5 (Plain Text)
Bon Scott
THE FAST SHOW - SECOND SERIES (1995), #5
The players:
AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players
1. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is walking, carrying a bouquet of flowers, talking directly
to camera]
PW Ah've been walkin' out with a lady friend. Mrs Bainbrridge.
Molly. Verry
clean lady. Won't stand any nonsense.
[slight pause]
PW Widow - naturrally. They all are when you get to my age. Ah'm
thinkin' Ah
might pop the question, today.
[slight pause]
PW Time marches on.
[PW has reached the front door, and is about to knock, when a
large bird
craps all over his coat]
PW Ohhh.... bugger!
[slight pause]
PW I'll go an' get meself cleaned up. Trry again later.
[INTRO CREDITS]
2. ENGLISH COUNTRY COOKING
[MW and JT are in a TV cookery show studio. JT is wearing
chef's outfit]
MW Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-
ha-ha!
And welcome once again to English Country Cookin'. Now, one o'
the things
that's constantly amazed me in this series, 'as been the range
of locally
grown ingredients. An' today, we'll be lookin' at 'erbs.
Gavin.
JT Thank you, Leslie. Now - ahem! - I'm goin' to 'ave a fair few
little plants in
this very simple English chicken stew. Now, the first one 'ere,
is rosemary.
An' she's a difficult little one to grow. She's very difficult.
Er, she likes a
bit o' shade. So, er, I put 'er up against a wall. She likes
it, er, she likes
it up against a wall.
MW An' that one's thyme, in't it?
JT Oh, that's right. This is thyme, yes. She's a... wild, little
tearaway plant.
You- you 'ave to keep 'er in check. You know, you 'ave to be
very firm
with 'er. Very firm. She understands that.
MW And this one?
JT Firmness. Yes! Oh, now, that's marjoram. That- she's a pretty
little thing,
isn't she? Erm, look at the little head, bobbin' there like
that. See? You
can always recognise marjoram by the sort o' little green fringe
in 'ere. It's
almost like... she were wearin' a little dress, in't it? With a
tight little skirt?
[MW starts to have a few suspicions about JT]
MW R-i-ght.
JT Skirt. Tight one.
[MW tries to steer the conversation back to cooking...]
MW Yes. And, er, what are we gonna be doin' with all these lovely
aromatic
'erbs? My mouth's waterin' already!
JT Ho-ho, yes. That's what they do to you, in't it? They make you
think
you can 'ave them. They make you want them. And at the last
minute,
they say no.
[MW desperately tries again...]
MW An' what are you goin' to be puttin' in the stew?
JT They're little teases, aren't they? They push you so far...
MW Chicken.
[pause as JT realises he was getting carried away, and composes
himself]
JT Chicken. That's right. Chicken. Now... you get a good, fresh
chicken.
Like this lassie, here.
[JT slaps said chicken on the counter top]
JT You want a big one. Look at the breast on that. Eh? The
breast on that!
You want a chicken, that looks at you in a certain way. As if
it says, "I've
been around. I know the score". YOU WANT A WHORE! THAT'S
RIGHT!
A WHORE!
MW What are you goin' to be doin' with the chicken?
JT Well, she's askin' for it, so I'm stuffin' 'er. STOP IT
??SIGN?? !
[MW decides this won't be fit for family viewing...]
MW THAT'LL DO!
JT STUFFIN' TIME!
MW That'll do!
JT STOP IT!
MW That'll do! Cut!
3. THE INSECURE WOMAN
[two nuns are walking through a grass courtyard in a convent,
when they
suddenly stop. AW looks back over her shoulder, then says
to EM...]
AW Does my bum look big in this?
4. THE SMASHED FAMILY
[MW enters Smashed kitchen. SD is slumped face down at the
table]
MW Hello, darling. I'm home.
MM Hello, darling.
MW I'm not pissed, you know.
MM Neither am I, darling. Mmm-wah!
[MW and MM kiss. SD suddenly sits bolt upright and exclaims...]
SD Dad's 'ome!
[...before slumping back down again. MW and MM don't notice
him.]
MW Mmm-wah! You smell nice. What's that?
MM Gin.
SD Dad's 'ome!
[MW spies cooking pot on the table. he leans down for a quick
snifter]
MW Oooh! Aaaah! That smells nice. What's it cooked in?
MM Eau de Cologne. I had a little accident.
MW Oh, well. Never mind. Mmm-wah!
[MW and MM kiss again]
MW Oh, you smell nice. What's that?
MM Gin.
MW Oooh! Aaaah!
[MW leans in and gets a deeper sniff this time, recoiling him
back slightly]
MW Whoa! That smells nice. What's it cooked in?
MM Eau de Cologne. I- I had a little accident.
[slight pause]
MW What's it supposed to be cooked in?
MM Gin. It's meant to be...
MW Oh, well. Never mind. Mmm-wah!
SD Dad's 'ome!
MW You smell nice. What's that?
MM Gin.
MW Oooh!
SD Dad's 'ome!
MM Hang on a minute, darling.
[MM goes to door. she's oblivious to the fact that SD is
already there...]
MM Simon! Your tea's ready!
SD DAD'S 'OME!
MM Ah, there you are.
SD Dad's 'ome!
MM Oh! Hello, darling.
MW Hello, darling! Mmm-wah! Oh, you smell nice. What's that?
MM Gin.
MW Oh. Oooh! Mmmm! Oh, that smells nice. What's it cooked in?
MM Eau de Cologne. I had a little accident.
SD Dad's 'ome!
[MW suddenly looks distraught, and sighs deeply]
MW Ohhhh.
MM What's the matter, darling?
MW Don't you ever get the feeling that our lives are going
meaninglessly round
and round in circles? Same old thing, day after day?
MM Oh, darling. Don't have dark thoughts. You need a drink!
[MM walks over to fridge and has a secret beer. MW uses his hip
flask]
MM Aaah!
MW Aaah!
[they both feel much better. MM has come over to MW again to
kiss him]
MW Mmm-wah! Ooh! You smell nice. What is that?
MM Gin.
MW Ah. Oooh! Aaaah! Mmmm! That smells nice. What's it cooked
in?
MM Eau de Cologne. I had a little accident.
SD Dad's 'ome!
5. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is walking down a leafy country lane, still talking directly
to camera]
PW Ah've been 'ome an' cleaned meself up. So Ah'm off fer
r'another trry at
Mrs Bainbrridge. Oh-oh! Dog's muck. Ah'm no strranger t' miss
that wi'
that, so Ah'll gi' it a wide berth.
[PW circles round the offending item on the pavement]
PW There.
[a large bird craps on his shoulder]
PW Oh, what were that?
[PW looks up, taking off his hat. the bird promptly craps
directly in his eye]
PW OH, BUGGER! OH, BUGGER!
[PW is now blind. he staggers to his right, and falls straight
over the dry
stone wall into the field below]
PW OH, BUGGER! OWWW!
6. SHE'S DIFFERENT WITH BOYS
AW We have got to get this pitch nailed down by tomorrow morning.
Even it
means staying all night.
EM But it's all right as it is, isn't it?
AW "All right" isn't good enough. This is a very important account
for us. No,
I'm going to order down for some coffee and sandwiches, so we
can batten
down the hatches and really get to work on this thing. Have you
got a
problem with that?
EM Well, I had got a date tonight. But I guess I can cancel it.
AW Yes, well, I think you're gonna have to. I'd say this was a
might more
important than your social life, wouldn't you?
[just then, SD leans in the door]
SD Er, me an' Gary are goin' to the pub. Anyone fancy a drink?
AW Er! Erm! Well, I can come, but Penny can't - she's got to stay
and work.
Bit of a swot, actually! Erm, but, yeah, oh - thing is - I
haven't got any
money. Will 'oo buy me a dwink?
SD Yeah.
AW Erm, a pink one with a dolly's brolly?
7. ROLLIE BIRKIN, QC
[PW is having a laughing fit]
PW ...it was just outside Edinburgh!...and then I...and then I
said, "we're
getting married!"...bloody did!...a makeshift crutch!...the
whole bloody
leg was completely...I remember...that he didn't wake up for
three days!
THREE BLOODY DAYS!...oh, I'm afraid I was very, very, very
drunk!
8. WHAT DID I SAY, ROY?
[CA and JT are sat on a plane. poor CH is trapped between them]
CA ...I mean, I love flyin', I do, y'know. Everywhere we go, I
always try to fly.
I mean, obviously not local places. For them, me an Roy just
get the bus,
y'know. Whenever we go anywhere foreign, I say t' Roy, "we'll
have to fly".
What do I say, Roy?
[slight pause]
JT We have to fly.
CA Y'see, Roy dun't like flyin'. Y'know, I mean, he can't stomach
it. He gets
bilious. What d'ya get, Roy?
[slight pause. JT looks uncomfortable]
JT Bilious.
CA Oh, if Roy 'ad 'is way, he'd go everywhere on the Channel
Tunnel. But
what he dun't like about planes, he dun't like the small toilets
on the
planes. What don't you like, Roy?
[JT isn't happy about admitting it]
JT The small toilets.
CA Y'see, with 'im bein' on the big side, he likes a lot o' room,
toilet wise, you
know. Ohh, one year he were on the toilet from Gatwick to
Magaluf. He
missed out on the whole Pyranees. Y'know, he was gutted. What
were
ya, Roy?
JT Relieved.
CA Relieved and gutted, I think, Roy. You big shower of shit.
9. THAT'S AMAZING
SD Welcome to That's Amazing, with me, Carl Hooper. We're here to
educate,
titillate, captivate and fascinate. Calves with two heads?
Dogs with five
legs? Snakes with no eyes? A kookaburra with his hand in the
cookie jar?
Freaks of nature, or the Devil's work? Well, today we look into
the strange
world of the animal kingdom. So let's meet John Kraus. John -
g'day to ya,
mate.
MW G'day, Col.
SD I understand you're a sheep farmer.
MW That's right, mate.
SD And how far have you travelled, today?
MW 'bout fourteen hundred miles.
SD JEEZ! That's a long pub.
MW Sure is, mate.
SD Right, well what 'ave ya got for us?
MW Well, I'm a sheep farmer, and in the twenty five years I've been
doin' it, I
thought I'd seen it all.
SD Yeah?
MW Until last spring lambin' time, when I found this...
[MW suddenly holds up a small lamb. baaaaa!]
MW ...incredible lamb.
SD And what's so amazing about it?
MW Well, Carl, it- it's got a white body, and a black head!
[pause as SD doesn't look very impressed]
SD I think you'll find that's actually quite common.
MW Is it?
SD Yis.
MW Oh - sorry, mate.
[baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!]
10. BRILLIANT KID
[PW seems strangely subdued for once]
PW Everythin's brilliant, in't it?
[pause as PW tries to rally himself]
PW It- it is brilliant, in't it?
[pause as he can't really decide]
PW Is it? I don't really know.
[pause as PW seems to perk up a bit again]
PW Yeah, it is. Yeah.
[pause as PW reverts back to being sullen. he doesn't sound
convinced]
PW Yeah, everythin's brilliant. It's fantastic.
11. I'LL GET ME COAT
[AW, MM, SD and MW are sat round a dinner table, talking]
SD ...Tarantino simply deals in pastiche and homage.
AW Yes. Violence as entertainment, but completely unmitigated by
any moral
content.
SD Yes, well that's his genius and his fatal flaw.
MM One of many flaws. He's really saying nothing new. He's no
Goddard. He's
no Tomkowski.
AW Mm.
MM They are artists, creating a language of cinema. And as for
Bergmann...
SD Mm.
AW Mm.
MW 'ey - d'you see that Bergmann film on the telly last night?
SD Yes, of course.
MW What a complete waste of time that was. One: it was in black
'n' white.
Two: it was subtitled. Three: no-one got shot. Four: no-one
got their
kit off...
[MW suddenly clocks the looks he's getting from the other three]
MW ...an' five: I'll get me coat.
12. JUST BIG KIDS
[PW knocks at the door to SD's office]
SD Come!
[PW enters the room]
SD Ah, sit down, Ryan. Thanks for coming in.
[PW looks rather uneasy - he's expecting a right bollocking]
PW Erm, no problem.
SD Well, I expect you know what this is about. Not to put too
finer point on
it, your particular output for the last quarter was over
optimistic to the
tune of seventy or eighty percent! I mean, it was a downright
fiasco!
Almost totally innacurate.
[PW leaps up and starts pulling faces and making silly noises]
PW Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
SD Stop that, Ryan. This is serious.
PW Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
SD Ryan!
PW Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
SD Ryan, sit down.
PW I'm not Ryan today - I'm Pingoo. Map-mah! Map-mah! Bl-bl-bl-
bl-bl-bl-...
13. THE TWEED MAN
PW Er, thish ish a clothesh shop, ishn't it?
[PS - the sales assistant - nods]
PW Ah. And theshe are the troushersh, are they?
PS Trousers.
PW Right. And they're £29.99, are they?
[a sign next to PW reads, "ALL TROUSERS £29.99"]
PS That's right.
PW Right. Yesh. Ah! Ooh - theshe are niche, here. Are theshe
£29.99?
PS Y-yes. All trousers, £29.99. Er, what size are you, sir?
PW I'm a thirty two.
PS Thirty two.
[PS picks a pair out of the rack]
PS Well... here you are, sir.
PW Oh, right. Theshe are a thirty two, are they?
PS Er, yes.
PW Right. An' I try them on over there, do I?
[he looks over to a sign which reads, "CHANGING ROOMS"]
PS That's right. In the, er, changing rooms.
PW OK, thanksh very mucsh.
[PW disappears inside one of the booths. a few seconds later he
pulls back
the curtain...]
PW And I take the other onesh off firsht, don't I?
PS Er, yes.
PW Right.
[PW goes back behind the curtain, but he continues talking...]
PW Then I put the new onesh on, ish that right?
PS Yes, er...
PW Sho you musht work here, then?
PS That's right.
[pause as PW reappears, wearing his new kecks. a mirror is just
to his left]
PW Er... let'sh... er... ah! And thish ish the mirror here, ish
it?
PS Yes.
PW Sho I look in here then, do I?
[PS nods]
PW Shee if I like them or not. Huh! Oh - they're quite niche,
yesh.
PS Yes?
PW Yesh. Erm, do I like them?
PS Er... yes?
PW Yesh, I do, yesh. Can I wear them home?
PS Yes, if you like. I'll fetch your old trousers for you.
PW Right, thanksh very mucsh. And I pay for them over here, do I?
[a sign above the till reads, "PAY HERE"]
PS That's right, where it says...
Both "Pay Here"!
PW Right. Thanksh very mucsh.
[PW walks over to other shop assistant, F1, who is stood behind
the till]
PW Erm... Oh. D'you take credit cards?
[a sign right next to him reads, "ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS
ACCEPTED"]
F1 Yes we do, Sir.
PW A lot of 'em don't. Hch! So I give you thish then, do I?
[PW holds out one of his credit cards]
F1 That's right, sir.
PW I shee. Now, I shign thish, do I?
F1 That's it, sir. Just sign there.
PW Where it shaysh, "Shignature"?
F1 That's right.
PW ?? of course, that'sh my name, ishn't it? Oh! Date? Oh!
[a calendar behind F1 reads "18"]
PW Ish that the date there?
F1 That's it, sir. Yes.
PW Yesh.
[PS approaches them, offering PW a carrier bag]
PS Here you, sir.
PW Ah. Oh - what's in there?
PS Your old trousers, sir.
PW Oh, I shee. Right, thanksh very mucsh. Yesh. And they're the
right shize,
aren't they?
PS Yes! Ha!
PW Thanksh very much. Thank you. Sho that'sh it then, ish it?
An' I go out
there, do I?
[a sign above the door reads, "WAY OUT"]
PS Where it says...
PW Right, thanksh very mucsh.
F1 Thank you!
PS Bye-bye!
F1 Bye!
[PW leaves the shop. pause as PS and F1 roll their eyes in
disbelief. some
mother's do 'ave 'em. then PW suddenly reappears in the
doorway...]
PW Oh. Erm, sho I go home now then, do I?
14. GIDEON SOAMES
SD Good day. Gideon Soames, here. I st- oh, I beg your pardon.
I'm having
trouble walking and talking.
[pause as the crew reset for another take]
SD Good day. Gideon Soames... oh. Oh, dear me. I'm very sorry.
It's the
path. The camber - it's rather sharp.
PW Throw it away, Mark.
15. PATRICK NICE
MW ...and so they named the hospital after me. Which was nice.
16. GIDEON SOAMES
SD Good day. Gideon Soames at your disposal. I'm standing- oh, I
beg your
pardon.
PW Cut!
[pause]
SD Good day. Gideon Soames, here. I s- oh, no.
PW Cut it!
17. THE TWEED MAN
[PW is about to step on a bus. it's route reads, "TOWN HALL
14". F1
is the lady driver]
PW Now, thish ish my bush, ishn't it? Number fourteen?
F1 Number fourteen, yes.
PW It goesh to the Town Hall, doeshn't it?
F1 Yes, it goes to the Town Hall.
PW Ah. I'll get on it then, shall I?
F1 YES!
18. GIDEON SOAMES
SD Good day. I am Gideon Soames.
[cries of "Hooray!" can be heard from the crew]
SD I'm standing in the grounds of some hall in Derbyshire. One of
the most
spectacular architectural feats of the eighteenth century.
Designed by
Sir Hugh Tatchell, and built entirely from mahogany and ivory,
it's plumbing
system alone is said to be worth well over a million pounds.
[slight pause]
SD The reason why my voice is a bit hushed, is this: it appears the
darts
international, Jocky Wilson, has purchased the building, and has
plans to
level it, and build a huge leisure complex. It's members drawn
solely from
the ranks of the Royal Variety Club of Great Britain. Two local
historians
opposed the plans. When they returned home, they found their
windows
broken, and beermats lying on the hearth.
[slight pause]
SD We are now approaching the west wing, which, though I never
seen,
apparently Gaudi fainted away in sheer awe, at it's majesty.
But, we must
move forward quickly, for night will soon fall.
[just then, we hear a loud SNAP! out of camera shot. SD winces]
SD I appear to have stepped in something.
PW Don't look down, Gideon.
[but SD does indeed look down. he's just stepped in a large
bear trap]
SD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
19. CHANEL 9 - QUESTO SPORTA
[PW is doing his best "David Coleman" routine. including woolly
jumper]
PW Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hur! Quite extraordinaire! Hu-hu-hur! A
qui spotto
ton guesto mysterioso. Hethethethethethethethethetheth. Hu-hu-
hur!
[we are treated to various angled shots of MW, esp. his hairy
nostrils(!)
without ever revealing his face, to some funky disco-baby
muzik. MW
is pounding at a bloody lump of meat with a cleaver]
PW Urrrrrrrrrrr a qui spotto ton guesto mysterioso. Looky-likey?
[we then see the camera pan back to reveal MW in "Invisible Man"
guise]
PW Urrrrrrrr-arrrrrrrr-urrrrrrrrr. Falia helah falia helah faliah
heleh. Har.
Sminki pinki, "you ain't seen me, right?"
Hethethethethethetheth. Boutros
urrrrrrrr boutros urrrrrrrrrrrr gali!
20. COLIN HUNT
CH ...and here comes Colin Hunt, traversing the outer office with
ease! And
he's through the door without touching the sides! Yes! Now
he's going
for the coat - off in one! And will he make it on the peg?
There it goes!
Colin Hunt reigns supreme!
[his soppy office co-worker, AW, claps in appreciation]
AW Morning.
CH Morning, Theresa. Sorry I'm a little bit late. Er, yes, the
train was
delayed. There was a lion lying on the line. Ha-ha-ha!
AW Ha-ha!
CH Ha-ha! No, I'm lying. Ha-ha! It was a sea-lion. Ha-ha-ha!
No, I'm only
joking. It was Jimmy Greaves. Leaves. Ha-ha-ha! No, er, I
came by car.
[slight pause]
CH Couldn't find a space, as per.
AW Colin, you do make me laugh.
CH Well, who was it who said, "laughter is the best tonic"?
[slight pause as AW shakes her head. CH grabs the desklamp and
shines it
in AW's face]
CH You vill ANSWER ze qvestion!
AW Ha-ha!
CH Come on, "laughter's the best tonic". Thirty seconds. Who was
it?
[CH proceeds to do the "Calendar Countdown"]
CH Bedoop-badoop-be-da-do-doop! BOOO!
[slight pause - AW still doesn't know...]
CH It was ME! Just then. I said it twice. (I thought you'd'a
spotted one of
'em).
[pause as SD knocks on the door, and enters the room wheeling a
trolley]
SD Hello? Got a computer 'ere for you. Am I in the right place?
AW Oh, yes - great!
SD Right. So, you must be... Theresa McMann?
AW That's right.
SD Right. An' you...
CH I am the antichrist!
[CH leaps toward SD, who jumps back in alarm, before smiling at
CH's prank]
CH I will rip your heart out and eat it! Rrrrrrrrr! A-ha-ha! A-
ha-ha! A-hu-hu!
Ohhhh, dear. Only jokin'. I'm not the antichrist. I'm the
antifreeze.
Ha-ha! ?? Antimakatter ?? A-ho-ho! The anti-
[CH is panting after his exertions. he can't think of another
anti- word]
CH Antiques Roadshow.
[slight pause as CH plans his next onslaught]
CH Yes, I am Hugh Scully. Yes, I expect you want to know how much
this
monitor is worth - for insurance purposes, of course! Ha-ha-ha-
ha! No,
Colin Hunt. Hello.
SD Bit of a joker are we, Mr Hunt?
AW I'm always telling Colin he should go on the telly!
CH Crimewatch. I am the Chiswick Strangler! Yes! Have you seen
this man?
Hu-huh!
[CH makes to pretend-strangle SD, who bats CH's arms away,
dismissively]
SD Yeah, d'you wanna sign this form for me, please?
CH Errrm, I'd love to, but - sorry - I can't, I'm afraid.
SD Why?
[CH quickly pulls his sleeve down over his hand. he waves the
"stump"]
CH Because my hand has just dropped off! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oooooo!
SD D'you wanna sign this for me, love? I'm not 'avin' much joy
with this
wanker.
[pause]
CH I say... I say- that's mine, over there. Excuse me, that's mine
over there.
SD What?
CH Colin Hunt's office trolley.
AW Ha-ha!
CH Colin Hunt's office trolley. You see?
SD Yeah.
CH Ha!
[SD makes to leave the room. CH follows him down corridor. we
hear...]
CH Colin Hunt's off-his-trolley. Ha-ha-ha! Colin Hunt's off-his-
I said, Colin
Hunt's off-his-trolley! COLIN HUNT-
[we hear a SMACK! from outside in the corridor. CH staggers
back in,
holding his bleeding nose]
CH Yes, well, he, er, he got it in the end.
[CH leans back in his chair with a handkerchief to try and stem
the flow!]
21. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is in another country lane. a tractor is working in the
field behind]
PW Ah'm off t' see Mrs Bainbrridge again, now Ah've cleaned up.
Ah've come a
diff'rrent way this time. So the's no birds rround 'ere, that's
fer sure.
[the tractor has caught up with him. it's spreading manure over
the field.
some of which is escapes over the wall, plastering PW all
over]
PW Bugger.
22. LOONY MERCHANT
[MW is in a business suit, fiercly writing away at something
behind his desk.
he suddenly makes a telephone noise with his lips. he looks
up at the
phone on his desk. it keeps "ringing" for a short while,
then stops. he
looks puzzled. he then picks the phone up anyway and starts
talking
gibberish into it for a few seconds, before putting the phone
down at
looking directly to camera]
MW That was our head bank. Which means, I must be someone extra
special.
[MW hunkers down, and continues with his determined scribbling]
23. INDECISIVE DAVE
SD Awight, Dave? You awight there, mate? You're lookin' a bit
glum.
PW Yeah, I don't wanna tawk about it.
SD Fair enough.
PW I will, though.
SD Oh.
PW Yeah, I'm sick. I've 'ad a row with Julie. Know what I mean?
SD That bird, Dave, she 'as been nothin' but grief for you. You
wanna 'row
'er out, mate.
PW Yeah, maybe you're right. Y'know, it just seems like anythin'
we 'ad, it's
over.
MW Wossup, Dave?
PW I was just sayin', I'm finkin' o' knockin' it on the 'ead with
Julie.
MW What are you talkin' about? You an' Julie, she's- I mean, she's
a lovely
girl!
PW Best thing that ever 'appened to me, I tell ya! Nicest girl
I've ever met!
SD Yeah, but you can't go out with someone cos they're nice, Dave.
I mean,
my grandmother's nice, but you wouldn't go out with 'er, would
ya? You
two - spark's gone.
PW I'll give 'er a bell, eh? Tell 'er it's over.
MW You 'ave gotta work at your relationship. It takes two to make
a relation-
ship. You can't just jump ship just because you get bored.
PW Yeah, I'll give 'er a bell, eh? Tell 'er 'ow much I love 'er,
yeah. See, that's
the trouble with people these days, innit? No commitment.
First sign o'
trouble - they're off, ain't they? I'm not like that.
SD Yeah, but Dave - commitment equals marriage equals kids equals
Bee-Jam.
Believe you me, mate - the sooner you get out the cab, the
better.
PW Yeah, I got to ain't I. Yeah. Cos I'm a free spirit, ain't I?
Y'know what I
mean? I don't wanna get lumbered! I'm not like that! That's
it, finished.
[barman JT comes to their table]
JT Dave?
PW Yeah?
JT Julie was in earlier, askin' after ya. She wanted to say she
was sorry.
PW Julie? What, my Julie?
JT Yeah. She's a lovely girl, ain't she?
[PW starts to get all teary]
PW I tell ya what, I couldn't imagine life without 'er. Y'know
what I mean?
She's like a part o' me.
[just then, AW and MM walk into the pub]
SD Aye, aye, Dave - look at these two 'ere, mate. We could be
quids in!
[SD turns round to look for PW. but he's not there...]
SD Dave?
[...because, quick as a flash, he's sidled up to the two birds
at the bar]
PW 'allo, girls - 'ow's it goin'? Fancy a drink? Only, I'm a free
agent as of now.
Yeah, I just split up with me girlfriend.
MM Aww.
AW That's a shame.
MM You all right?
[slight pause as PW's face changes from cocky to sad]
PW No, I'm not. I'm pretty down about it, actually. To tell you
the truth, it's
slaughtered me.
[PW walks back to his mates at the table]
PW What am I gonna do, lads?
MW Use my phone, Dave. Give 'er a ring.
[MW offers his mobile to PW]
PW Good idea.
SD Don't ring 'er.
[JT shouts after PW from behind the bar, waving a telephone
handset]
JT Dave? Julie.
[PW starts to break down and cry]
24. JESSE'S DIETS
MW This week, I are been mostly bulimic.
25. TED AND RALPH
[PW is teaching CH how to fly fish at the side of a small river]
PW Right, sor, so start with the rod tip there, sor, down low.
Then up-stop- forward-stop.
[PW casts into the river]
CH Oo-hoo! Right over the other side!
PW Here, sor.
CH Ah! Well, here goes. Faint heart never won fair... as it were.
[CH makes a complete hash of it]
CH Hm. No - I think you're going to have to show me this movement,
somehow. The up-stop-forward-stop bit.
[pause as PW sags a little, then goes to stand close behind CH,
so he can
mimic the casting action. CH appreciates this closeness by
his grin]
PW Start with the rod top low to the water, sor. Lift-stop-
forward-stop. Lift-
stop-forward-stop.
[pause]
CH Right!
[CH has another go, and again makes a mess of it]
CH No, I don't think I shall ever get the hang of this.
[pause]
PW Well, you'll be as good as Mr Mayhew yet, sor.
CH Oh, I should have to spend... a great deal more time practising.
Every
moment, every day, he seems to spend on a river somewhere. I
remember,
every Saturday morning, jumping out of bed, running to the
window,
banging on the glass, "Father! Father!" But he, er... he never
looked
back.
[pause]
CH What was he like, Mr, er, erm- erm- my- my father, Ted?
PW Well it's... not really for me to say, sor.
CH No.
PW No. But some would say that he's a very strict man, sor.
CH Yes. Very strict. Do you think there's... a lot of him in me,
Ted?
PW No, sor. Not really, no.
CH You don't think I'm- I'm- I'm sometimes too hard on you, dar-
der- Ted.
[CH quickly tries to cover his near faux pas]
CH Ah! Er, look! I've got one!
[slight pause]
PW That's a tree, sor.
CH Yes. Sorry, Ted.
26. PATRICK NICE
MW ...and I was rummaging around in the attic, and I found the
original copy
of the Bible. Which was nice.
27. RON MANAGER
SD So, Ron, Aston Villa, after the ?? parsh of eckyogg ?? strangely
out of
sorts, their defence pulled wildly out of position, leading to
that contro-
versial penalty incident. Was the referee right to award it?
[PW can only croak, speechlessly. he looks helplessly at SD]
SD Was the penalty, Ron?
[PW continues to croak]
SD Was he tripped outside, or did he fall in the box, Ron?
[PW is still mouthing silently, like a fish]
SD The lines within the flag, Ron? Football? Small boys?
[that was the key a relieved PW was waiting for...]
PW Ohh! Football isn't it, you know? Ha-ha! Small boys?
Marvellous. Ha!
Jumpers for goalposts? Mm? Enduring image. Quite- ooh, that
tackle,
hm? Way above the knee, wasn't it? Way above the knee? The
miniskirt!
Hu-hoo! Enduring image. Marvellous. You know. Dolly birds?
The
swinging sixties? Swinging blue jeans? Swinging London?
Jonathan King!
Everyone's gone to the moon! Except me. I stayed here. But,
you know,
ooh, flower power. Interflora! Mother's day. Ooh! Sorry,
mommy - I
forgot! Ha-ha! Ah. Mother's ruin. You know. Don't mind if I
do! But,
ooh, you know, soccer - isn't it? Marvellous. Nostalgia? Ha-
ha. Those
rattle things. You don't see them these days, do you?
Marvellous, eh?
Small boys - on their fathers' knees. Peanuts. ?? reenarse ??
...
28. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is outside cottage door again, talking to camera]
PW Looks like Ah made it safeleh, this time. Though I am a bit
late. I 'ope
she's still in. Knowin' my luck, she'll 'ave popped out to buy
some biscuits,
or...
[just then, the front door opens and four pall-bearers walk out,
carrying
a coffin on their shoulders]
PW Bugger.
[PW takes his cap off in deference to the recently departed Mrs
Bainbridge.
a seagull promptly craps on his bare head]
PW Awww... ohhh, bugger.
[END CREDITS]
29. JESUS FREAKS
SD Well, Burke, that's the first down and ten for the Braves, and
Carl Burrows -
the big quarterback - was totally shut down. He couldn't go
forwards,
backwards, or any which ways. He was a man alone out there,
Burke. He
didn't have nobody to turn to.
JT Well, if you look at the play again, Dick, I think you'll see
there was some-
body he could have turned to.
SD Who was that, Burke?
JT It was our Lord, Jesus Christ. Who died on the cross for all
our sins, and is
always there for us when we need him.
SD Way ta go, Burke!
JT So put your hand on the screen...
SD ...and send all your money to us, the Reverend Dick Dixon...
JT ...and me, Dr Burke McCormack.
Both Sportscasters for Jesus!
30. RON MANAGER
PW Small boys? On remand? Huh! Car stereos for goalposts? Mm?
That's the
way it is these days, isn't it?
[eof 2#5]
--
Bon Scott