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Script for Series 3, Episode 3 (with HTML formatting)

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Bon Scott

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Mar 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM3/22/00

THE FAST SHOW - THIRD SERIES
(1997), #3 
 
The players: 
 
    AW - Arabella Weir 
    CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook 
    CH - Charlie Higson 
    EM - Eryl Maynard 
    JT - John Thomson 
    MM - Maria McErlane 
    MW - Mark Williams 
    PS - Paul Shearer 
    PW - Paul Whitehouse 
    RD - Robin Driscoll 
    SD - Simon Day 
    M?, F? - irregular guest players 
 
 
1.  THE ZOO KEEPER 
 
    [MW is feeding fish out of a bucket to the penguins, when
he realises...] 
MW  They're all slimy! 
    [MW pulls a sickly face and recoils his hand in
horror] 
MW  They're dead FISH! 
 
 
    [INTRO CREDITS] 
 
 
2.  DODGY GEEZER 
 
    [PW is standing outside SD's newspaper stall.  SD is
serving a customer] 
SD  There you go, six.  [to PW]  I tell you what, he
should never 'ave got on 
    that job. 
PW  Well, he should not'a used 'is own motor.  He'll
definitely go down, now. 
SD  Yeah - he's a mug, ain't he? 
PW  Nn. 
SD  Tell you what, Chris - do me favour, I'll go 'ave a slap. 
Can you 'old the 
    stall for five minutes? 
PW  You're 'avin' a laugh, ain't ya? 
F1  Can I have a Sun, please? 
SD  There ya go, love.  [to PW]  I'll only be gone five
minutes! 
PW  Yeah, I know, but it's me.  Look, it's me -
Chris. 
SD  I'm only askin' ya to look after it. 
PW  Yeah-heh-heah, you can't trust me.  You couldn't
turn your back on me 
    for a second, or pswoosh it's gone!  Whatever
it is ?? Where is it?  In my 
    lock-up!  You know what I'm like, Dan. 
SD  Yeah, but your a mate, Chris. 
PW  Yeah, I'm also a little bit werr, a little bit
weyy, a little bit "aargh! He 
    never, did he?" 
SD  Yeah, but we're mates. 
PW  Yeah, I know, but I'm also a geezer. I'm a
thief!  I'm low-life scum!  I will 
    nick anyfing! 
SD  Ha-ha!  No, go on!  D'you wanna cup o' tea? 
    [SD walks off, leaving PW to call after him...] 
PW  Don't do this to me, Dan! 
SD  Milk with sugar, right? 
PW  Don't do it, Dan! DAN! 
    [PW shrugs his shoulders, picks up the cashbox and a
bundle of papers, 
      then walks off with them] 
 
 
3.  THE OBVIOUS BARWOMAN 
 
CA  You know my 'usband, Ken?  The other night, right, we'd
finished in the bar, 
    he brought me two pieces o' bread he put under the grill
with some cheese 
    on.  You know what it was, don't ya?  Cheese on
toast.  Simple as that. 
 
 
4.  SUITS YOU, SIR 
 
PW  This is Philip, Ken.  He's the new
boy.  We need to show him the ropes. 
    He's not very experienced. 
MW  I'm sure your very experienced, aren't you young
sir? 
M1  I don't know about that. 
PW  Ooh!  Suits you, young sir. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  Now, young sir, these are jackets, these are
shirts, and this - of course - 
    is a TROUSER! 
*2  OH! Ooh! 
PW  It's not too difficult, is it, sir? 
M1  No, I suppose not. 
PW  Mm.  The ladies like a man in a trouser, don't
they, sir? 
MW  And out of a trouser. 
PW  I expect you're in and out of your trousers all day long,
aren't you, sir? 
MW  Ooh! 
PW  Oh!  D'you know the correct way to measure a
man, sir? 
M1  Erm... 
MW  This is your tape-measure.  Look after
it.  For it will be your best friend, 
    your lover and your mother.  Always
remember to warm the end. 
    [MW breathes heavily on one end] 
MW  We don't want to go in cold. 
PW  Then jam it up nice and snug, and Bob's your
uncle. 
MW  And Fanny's your aunt. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  Are you married, young sir? 
M1  No. 
MW  But you do have a girlfriend, I'll warrant.  Fine,
handsome young man like 
    yourself?  I bet your beating off the ladies
with a stick, aren't you, young 
    sir? 
PW  OOH! Beating off the ladies, sir! OOH! With a stick, sir!
OOH! Suits you! 
    OOH! 
MW  Do you ever have occasion to beat yourself off, young
sir? 
    [slight pause] 
MW  With a stick? 
M1  I don't know about that, but I have got a girlfriend. 
PW  Is she a big girl, sir? 
M1  I'm sorry? 
MW  When she takes off her top, are you reminded from the opening
scenes 
    from Raiders of the Lost Ark?  Only, with two
boulders instead of one? 
M1  She's sort of... normal. 
PW  She's a sort of ANIMAL, sir? OOH! 
MW  OOH! 
PW  Scratching, kicking, moaning, BUCKING, writhing ANIMAL?
OOH! 
MW  Does she sometimes go too far, sir?  Does she birch
you with nettles and 
    then need heavy sedation, young sir? 
    [pause] 
M1  Look, I'm sorry, I really don't like talking about my private
life.  So if you 
    don't mind... 
    [PW and MW suddenly calm down, leaning in close each side
of M1's head] 
MW  Certainly, young sir. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  Your fired. 
 
 
5.  THE LONG BIG PUNCH UP (ERAS VIDEO) 
 
    [down the docks, PW and CH are having a fist fight. 
lots of repetitive blows 
      to the stomach and face to cries of "Oof!"
and "Aargh!"] 
 
 
6.  HAM ACTOR 
 
    [JT is in a hair net and poncho, sat in front of a
dressing room mirror] 
JT  To become a Davidian commander, requires at least
six hours in make-up. 
    I'm required on set at 4am.  That's three
hours before most people arrive. 
    And then, once the make-up's on, something magical
occurs.  Half-way 
    through, a transformation really takes place, and I
become the character... 
    [CA appears and puts a crude latex mask on his
barnet.  JT turns back to 
      camera, holding his hands out like claws and
growls...] 
JT  Grrrrrrr! 
 
 
7.  QUICK! 
 
    [MW is leading his family through a mall, carrying
boxes/shopping bags etc] 
MW  Come on! Come on, girls!  Excuse me!  Come
on! Come on! That's it!  Come on! 
 
 
8.  UNLUCKY ALF 
 
    [PW is at a funfair, when he comes across...] 
PW  Oh-ho-ho-ho!  Crrikey!  An 'all o'
Mirrors!  Ah an't been in one o' them since 
    Ah were a nipper!  Ah'll pop in fer a giggle, shall
Ah? 
    [we hear PW inside, chortling at the various
distortions.  when PW comes 
      out, he's still a funny shape.  he pats
himself down, before saying...] 
PW  Oh, bugger! 
 
 
9.  NO OFFENCE 
 
AW  [Pffft!]  Joan Collin's "Snatch"? 
F1  No. 
AW  Do you have a young daughter? 
F1  No. 
AW  Oh, my mistake.  Well then, an attractive slim
friend or colleague, perhaps? 
F1  No.  Why'd y'ask? 
AW  It's that I see you've made a purchase from the swimwear
department, and, 
    er, I'm very much hoping thet with thet figure,
you're not taking the risk of 
    letting your husband compare your body with thet of a
younger, thong- 
    clad, bronzed, topless beauty.  You mark my
words - hanging on to your 
    man is a twenty four hour a day bare-knuckle ??
best guesser ?? what's 
    more with precious little reward.  I really
think, you need all the help you 
    can get. 
F1  What? 
AW  No offence!  
 
 
10. JESSE'S FASHION TIPS 
 
MW  This season, I'll be mostly wearin'... navy blue cord
shoes. 
 
 
11. THE DEAF STUNTMAN 
 
MW  ?? stup low?? fall down the tower, ?? finally ?? on the
roof. 
SD  Cool. 
PS  Yeah. 
    [pause before PS calls up to JT, who is on scaffolding
about 20ft high] 
PS  So, Chip? You run to the edge of the roof, there's a shot,
you clutch your 
    chest, and then you fall. 
JT  WHO DO I SHOOT? 
PS  No, YOU get shot! 
JT  OK.  RIGHT.  YEAH. 
SD  No, er, I'm not 'appy about this, Peter.  Erm, the stunt's
?? hardlebeer ?? 
    arranged.  I've asked my bloke to deflate that bag -
it's way too small. 
    Need a larger bag in there.  It's gonna cost
more money, but I've got to 
    think about the safety.  OK? 
PW  Oh, right.  Oh, well - it's lunchtime anyway - so, er- 
SD  Sorry. 
PW  OK.  Yeah, CHIP?  ER, LIKE, IT'S LUNCHTIME
NOW, SO, ERM, COULD YOU 
    STAND DOWN?  COS WE NEED TO REPLACE THE BAG WITH A
BIGGER BAG. 
    AND, ER, GO AND CHECK YOUR MAKE UP WITH RUTH. 
JT  CHUCK MESELF OFF THE ROOF?  ALL RIGHT! 
AAAAAAAAAARGH! 
    [JT throws himself off the roof to the horror of those
watching.  the bag 
      is now completely deflated, and he lands with a
sickening THUD!] 
 
 
12. TAFFY 
 
PW  I'm on the internet, I am! 
    [pause] 
PW  Haven't found much use for it though, to be honest. 
 
 
13. THE OFF-ROADERS 
 
    [CH and PW are in full pot-holing regalia, stood above a
large hole] 
CH  Get a shot o' the hole there, Baz.  Now pan up. 
Right - day fourteen. 
    Simon and Lindsay here.  Pot-holing. 
PW  Pot-holing. 
CH  Pot-holing.  Where big men... get into small
holes.  No, you need plenty of 
    rope. 
PW  And balls.  To get in the hole. 
CH  You... certainly need balls, Lindsay.  We are
standing at the mouth of hole- 
PW  (That's quite funny!) 
CH  Hole B147a.  Otherwise known as "The Mouth of Hell". 
PW  Is it? 
CH  Yes.  Seven men are known to have perished down
there.  Five of the 
    bodies were never recovered. 
PW  Really? 
CH  YES!  It is a excellent hole.  A bitch of a
pitch.  We're talking a mile of 
    slots, half a mile of crawls, a two hundred
foot sump, many large caverns, 
    running water- 
PW  En suite bathrooms, and telephones in every room! 
CH  No, Lindsay.  Cold, naked, death in every
room.  Imagine, if you will, a world 
    of total darkness, a tunnel so narrow you
can only go forwards, and not 
    back. 
    [CH looks into the hole.  suddenly he's not so sure
about it anymore...] 
CH  It's... freezing cold.  The water's...
rising.  There's not much... oxygen. 
PW  Right.  So - we goin' in, then? 
CH  Yes! 
    [CH makes towards the hole, then steps back to delay a
while longer] 
CH  Preparation is everything, when you're getting into a
hole of this nature. 
    Only a fool would go in there unprepared.  We
bought all our own gear. 
    And I can tell you, this stuff don't come
cheap. 
PW  It certain don't!  It - come - expensive! 
CH  So - as I say - only a total drongo would go down there
without all this. 
    So, er... 
    [slight pause as CH looks at PW for encouragement] 
PW  It's gripped! 
CH  It's sorted! Let's... not... do it. 
PW  Fine by me.  This is just stupid. 
 
 
14. CHEEKY CHECKOUT GIRL 
 
CA  ?? Pay ?? water.  Just like water, that, y'know - but
fizzy.  It's expensive, 
    though, in't it?  Costs nowt out the tap.  Brown
bread - very posh.  Keeps 
    you regular though, dun't it?  Beef. 
Oh!  D'you remember the beef crisis? 
    Oh!  Anti-dandruff shampoo.  That for you? 
Aww.  Dun't matter - now't 
    wrong with a scabby scalp.  KY Jelly.  Bit o'
vaginal dryness? 
    [slight pause] 
CA  Eight pound eighteen, please. 
 
 
15. PUB KNOW-IT-ALL 
 
SD  'ow ya doin', mate? 
MW  Awight, Billy?  Ain't seen you for a while. 
SD  No, I been goin' to the poly in the evenin's, doin' evenin'
classes. 
MW  Oh, yeah?  What you doin'? 
SD  Marriage guidance, cryogenics, pottery for beginners, and
learnin' the 
    recorder. 
MW  Oh, got it.  Keeps you off the streets, dun' it? 
SD  It does, mate, yeah.  An' 'opefully, I'll get a job at the
end of it.  D'you 
    know what I mean?  Cryogenics, that's me long-term
banker, right? 
    Marriage guidance - I can do that already, really.  I
just see people arguin', 
    an' I wade in.  Y'know what I mean?  "Leave 'er
alone, mate.  Leave 'er 
    alone.  Come an' 'ave a drink wi' me."  Pottery,
it's not really me, y'know 
    what I mean?  But, the recorder, I'm right
good at it.  Last Tuesday, I was 
    flyin'!  Greensleeves an' all that. 
    [slight pause as SD plays the "air" recorder] 
SD  Thing is though, there's not much call for a recorder teacher
'round the Old 
    Kent Road anymore.  D'you know what I mean?  As
an instrument, it's dyin' 
    out.  Years ago, every posh kid in the
land 'ad a recorder, didn't he?  That 
    was the ?? coup ??, wan' it?  After school? 
Homework, story, tea, recorder 
    practise, bed.  These days, it's all alcopops an'
samplers, innit? 
MW  Yeah.  Well, kids nowadays - they got no soul. 
SD  When I was little, my mum couldn't afford a recorder for
me.  I remember 
    one school journey, up in Scotland - Inverlever Lodge,
right?  All the posh 
    kids, in a circle, playin' Silent Night on the
recorders.  Me?  Me one v-neck 
    jumper, at the side, playin' the spoons. 
 
 
16. COME ON! 
 
    [MW is walking down the bank of a stream] 
MW  COME ON!  COME ON!  WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YA? 
FLOW!  THAT'S 
    GRAND!  COME ON, NOW!  COME ON!  COME
ON!  ON PAST ME, NOW! 
    COME ON, NOW - 'URRY A BIT!  THAT'S IT!  COME
ON, NOW!  THAT'S 
    BEAUTIFUL!  COME ON!  DON'T SWIRL THAT
LIKE IN AN EDDY, YA LAZY 
    BASTARD!  COME ON! GET DOWN THIS ONE, YA... GO
ON, YA LAZY 
    BASTARD!  THAT'S IT! 
 
 
17. SWISS TONI 
 
    [CH walks into the office and catches M1 off guard] 
CH  Do I find you reading a book, Paul? 
M1  Yeah - sorry, Swiss.  There are no customers, and, well,
it's a guide book. 
    I'm goin' campin' at the weekend. 
    [slight pause as CH sits on the edge of the desk] 
CH  Putting up a tent is... very much like making
love to a beautiful woman. 
    ?? You rent her ??, unzip the door, put up your pole
an'... slip in to the old 
    bag. 
 
 
18. PUBLIC SCHOOL DAYS REMEMBERED 
 
MW  By grasping the hair at the nape of the boy's neck,
between his thumb and 
    first digit, the Housemaster would exert upward
pressure, and the offending 
    child would rise from his seat, at exactly
the pace the Housemaster wished. 
    This ?? rage ?? act of levitation was greeted with
howls of glee from the 
    other boys!  Only when he stood fully erect
would the grip be relinquished. 
    And a sharp SMACK! to the top of the head would
deposit the contrite 
    pupil back at his desk! 
    [slight pause as MW whacks his cane down hard against
a desk] 
MW  The ?? conflicts ?? between the slow, agonising rise and
the bruisingly quick 
    descent, was always most comical.  His
exquisite sense of timing never left 
    him.  Even after his years in Rampton and
Broadmoor. 
 
 
19. THE LONG BIG PUNCH UP (cont.) 
 
    [CH and PW are still going at it.  Oof! Aargh!
etc. but they are tiring] 
 
 
20. WITH MY REPUTATION? 
 
PW  Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wimbledon? 
Here?  In a women's prison? 
    At three o'clock in the morning?  With my
reputation? 
    [slight pause as PW gives a wry grin] 
PW  (Oh, well.  Penal correctitude it is, then.) 
 
 
21. CYNICAL GRAN 
 
    [a gathering around the kitchen table.  M1 is
celebrating his birthday] 
*3  "Happy birthday to you!" 
    [M1 blows out the candle on the cake] 
PW  Hey!  Hey, twenty one today.  Your whole life ahead
of you.  Full of 
    opportunity. 
EM  You're so lucky.  Life really starts
now.  You can do everything and 
    anything. 
    [slight pause] 
AW  HAH! 
 
 
22. JAZZ CLUB 
 
JT  Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.  Admirable.  Tonight
- Jazz Dance.  The 
    first U.K. televised appearance of the Canadian jazz dance
group, Thrush. 
CH  Thrusk! 
JT  Thrust. 
CH  Thrusk! 
JT  Trust. 
CH  THRUSK! 
JT  Thrusk.  Mm.  Right.  They'll be performing
their dance work, "Inevitable 
    Geometry".  Grrround breaking.  Their
specially composed score, by Henri 
    Le Couillon.  Formidable. It astonished
audiences when it was first 
    performed at the Festival de Jazz, in Quebec. 
Sacre bleu!  So, here are... 
    Thrusk. 
    [CH, CA and MW leap out decked in leotards and start
improvising, to 
      a horrendous racket in the background.  this
malarky carries on for 
      several minutes, before they suddenly freeze in
place.  this is the cue 
      for our old friends Jack Pott and Tom Bowler to
crab/walk like an 
      egyptian their way across the studio floor, to the
usual alien sounds] 
 
 
23. BLACK! 
 
    [CH and AW are sat high above a picturesque seaside
village] 
CH  I love the sound of the seagulls, don't you, Katie? 
AW  It's very evocative, isn't it? 
CH  It's a lovely sound.  Now, I'm just putting some more blue
in the water, 
    there.  Do you notice how the day goes on, the colour
of the sea changes 
    almost by the minute, doesn't it? 
AW  It's a wonderful blue, isn't it? 
CH  It is lovely.  And the reds of the roofs,
there, against the water, really 
    jump out at you, don't they? 
AW  Very vivid. 
CH  And the white walls with those windows, there. 
Very dark.  Almost... black. 
AW  Johnny. 
CH  Black.  Yes.  Black.  I shall need to get the
black out. 
AW  Johnny. 
CH  Black! 
AW  Johnny! 
CH  Black! BLACK!  BLACK! 
    [CH squeezes the black tube all over his painting] 
CH  For the sky!  And the sea!  Black! ALL BLACK! Like
the procession of night 
    that leads us into the VALLEY OF DESPAIR! 
    [CH kicks his easel over, and starts speaking into
AW's coat] 
CH  BLACK! Where are we sleeping tonight, mother? In father's
GRAVE? 
AW  Johnny. 
CH  WE TRY TO HIDE, BUT IT CLAIMS US IN THE END! THE WORLD'S
BLAMELESS! 
    DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! 
    [CH picks up his fold-up chair and throws it to the
ground] 
AW  I think we'd better go home now, dear. 
CH  SO COLD, THE SNOW! SO COLD! ALL THIS - SO FUTILE! 
    [now CH picks up his easel and throws it over the
railing] 
CH  I'M BLIND! THE GULLS HAVE PLUCKED OUT MY EYES! 
    [slight pause as CH falls on to all fours on the
ground] 
CH  We crawl on our knees towards our doom! Onward, death!
Rrrrr-rowf! 
    Rrrrr-rowf! 
 
 
24. QUICK! 
 
    [MW is leading his tribe through the town centre] 
MW  QUICK!  QUICK!  COME ON!  COME ON! 
COME ON, GIRLS! 
 
 
25. HARDEST GAME IN THE WORLD 
 
    [AW is playing ragtime on the old joanna.  PW claps
when she stops] 
PW  You a pianist, are ya?  Eh?  Eh?  It's the
'ardest job in the world, innit, eh? 
    Eh?  The old piano game?  Oh.  Yeah. 
I done it meself.  Yeah.  Concert 
    pianist, I was.  Thirty years, man and
boy.  Oh, yeah.  'ardest game in the 
    world, innit, eh?  Rememberin' all them notes? 
Some of 'em are black, some 
    of 'em are white.  Watchin' the old conductor's 'ands
to see what the beat 
    is?  Eh?  Oh, I've worked 'em all, y'know. 
Yeah.  Von Carridan - he was the 
    best.  Old 'erbert.  Yeah.  Lovely
'ands.  Very expressive.  Ah, I 'ad to give 
    it up in the end.  Terrible back injury. 
Yeah.  All that sitting, y'see. 
    [slight pause - AW continues listening, politely] 
PW  Me an' Stan was at a fur an' feather on Sunday.  On the
grade two's, near 
    St. Ives.  It was a very funny story, as it
goes.  Yeah.  Y'see, I drew bank 
    179, an' he's drawn bank 180 - right next to me. 
I've 'ad forty six pound of 
    bream, an' he blanked.  He was
gutted. 
    [slight pause as PW has a sup] 
PW  I bought 'im a pint. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  D-d'you know, er, "My Way", by Frank Sinatra?  It's my
favourite song, that 
    is. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  Are you... married, by any chance? 
 
 
26. SCOTTISH CINEMA 
 
CH  ...and on Sunday night, in our Scottish Cinema season, when
a ship is 
    wrecked off the coast of a remote Scottish Island, the
lives of the 
    villagers are turned upside down. A comedy to warm the
cockles of your 
    heart. A remake of the classic "Whisky Galore" from the
makers of "Train- 
    spotting". 
    [cut to a b/w beach scene.  MW and SD are in arran
sweaters.  they've 
      just come across a crate washed onshore] 
MW  Whatever is it, Hamish? 
    [slight pause] 
SD  That's heroin! TONS of the stuff. 
CH  Whatever will we to do with it all? 
CH  Gordon Jackson and Robert Carlisle in... "Heroin
Galore". 
    [cut #1: a homely scene with CH and AW having tea and
cakes.  only, CH is 
      spooning heroin instead of sugar into his tea, AW
is sprinkling heroin on 
      her sponge pudding, and CH even puts some in his
pipe and smokes it] 
    [cut #2: PW is leaning against his upturned fishing boat
on the beach, 
      smoking his pipe, while he calmly shoots up with a
needle in his arm] 
PW  Never again! 
    [cut #3: the FS crew are all sat in the pub, "hai-hai-
hai'ing" along to an old 
      sea shanty.  they're each waving a hypodermic
syringe around - like you 
      would a pint - while they're singing.  when
the reach the end of the song, 
      they all shoot up in unison, then collapse in a
heap] 
 
 
27. COME ON! (cont.) 
 
    [it is now getting dark, but MW is still encouraging the
stream to flow...] 
MW  COME ON!  COME ON!  PAST ME, NOW!  COME
ON!  COME ON!  LET'S HAVE 
    YA!  COME ON, NOW!  QUICK AS YA CAN!  COME
ON!  TO ME!  TO ME!  ALL 
    OF YA, COME ON!  COME ON!  THAT'S IT! 
'ROUND HERE!  ?? RED!  TRAN! ?? 
    KEEP IT UP!  KEEP IT UP, NOW!  THERE YA GO! 
 
 
28. THE INSECURE WOMAN 
 
    [MW is a priest, leaning over to give a kneeling AW - who
is in vestments - 
     a sacrement] 
AW  Amen.  Father, does my bum look big in this? 
Do you think God would mind 
    if I made a couple of alterations?  I mean, even a
belt might help glam it 
    up a bit.  Thing is, your probably gay, so I
can get an unbiased opinion from 
    you.  Anyway, what's with all this
white?  I mean, at least with Islam you 
    get to wear black.  And who doesn't look good
in black?  Oh, by the way, 
    this wafer?  I bet it's pretty
fattening.  Is there any chance of a low-cal 
    sacrement? 
 
 
29. TED AND RALPH 
 
    [PW is tending a bonfire.  CH approaches, carrying a
pile of tat] 
CH  Hello, Ted.  Yes, I, er, I couldn't help noticing your
having a bonfire. 
PW  Erm, Oi'll put it out if you like, sor. 
CH  No, no, no, you misunderstand.  No, I, er, I
love a bonfire.  The dancing 
    flames.  D'you know, when I was a child, I used to
think that... smoke was 
    clouds of tiny angels, escaping from the fire. 
PW  [mutters] 
CH  Yes, well, that's, er, by the by.  Er, I'd like to just-
wondering if I might burn 
    some stuff on your fire. 
PW  That's fine, sor. 
CH  Yes, I've been cleaning out the house.  It's... such
junk.  So much... 
    accumulated rubbish. 
PW  Do you want me to burn some of it for you, sor? 
CH  That's very kind of you, Ted. 
PW  [mutters] 
CH  Yes, that's... mostly stuff from agricultural
college.  As you know, I was... 
    never very happy there.  So I thought I'd take
the bull by the horns and 
    away with it all!  Ha-ha! 
    [PW picks the top most book off the pile CH is holding,
and is about to 
    throw it on the fire, when CH suddenly recognises it and
catches his arm] 
CH  No, no!  That's- sorry, Ted.  No, don't burn
that.  No. 
    [slight pause as CH wipes the dust of the old book] 
CH  Whilst I was at the "Ag", I flirted with the dramatic
arts.  I and, er, a small 
    group of friends founded an experimental theatre
group.  The, er, "The Soul 
    Farmers".  This is a programme from our
very first... and indeed, our last 
    ever production.  Ha.  An all-nude version of,
erm, of "Oh, What a Lovely 
    War!"  It wasn't a great success.  But it was
one of the few things I did... 
    at college that I actually enjoyed.  If you remember,
I never completed the 
    course. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  No, sor.  I came to visit you in the hospital, sor. 
CH  Yes.  Now, Ted, I can't tell you how much I
appreciated that.  As you 
    know, a lot of people are frightened of, erm, of mental
illness. 
    [slight pause] 
PW  Your parents told everyone that you had the 'flu, sor. 
CH  Yes.  So... memories.  Memories, Ted.  Just burn
it all, eh? 
    [slight pause as CH gives the whole pile to PW to
burn] 
CH  Look to the future. 
    [pause as CH and PW's eyes both start watering] 
CH  Yes, I'm sorry, Ted.  I've got smoke in my eyes. 
PW  Me too, sor. 
 
 
30. THE ZOO KEEPER 
 
    [MW is backing out of an animal house, wiping his hands on
his trousers, 
      with a look of abject horror on his face...] 
MW  OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!  OH, MY
GOD!  THAT'S IT'S WILLY!  I THOUGHT 
    IT WAS A TAIL! 
 
 
31. COMPETITIVE DAD 
 
    [SD, AW, B1 and B2 are in their living room.  SD and
B1 are stood behind 
     some rather heavy-looking weights] 
SD  Now Toby, I want you to lift this, now. 
    [slight pause as B1 doesn't look to sure about it] 
SD  It may seem a daunting, even pointless
task.  But, believe you me, with 
    mind over matter, it can be done. 
    [B1 starts to kneel down] 
SD  Now, hang on - use some chalk. 
    [pause as B1 rubs his hands in the white powder.  SD
rounds on AW] 
SD  Am I the only one interested in this child's
development? 
    [AW duly stops knitting for moment] 
SD  Go ahead. 
    [B1 struggles for minute, before admitting...] 
B1  I can't do it.  It's impossible. 
SD  Nothing is impossible, Toby.  Watch me. 
    [SD rubs his hands in the chalk, then stands back behind
the weights] 
SD  Now, on the point of lifting, I may emit a scream. 
But don't worry, it's a 
    simple release of pressure. 
    [SD takes some long, deep breaths while he psych's himself
up] 
SD  Waaarrrrggggghhhhhh! 
    [SD is still squatting, having managed only to lift it
up as far as his neck] 
SD  Toby, I'm in trouble! 
B1  Just drop it, dad! 
SD  NO! I will never give in to gravity! 
    [SD manages to bleat for a few seconds more, before AW
calmly says] 
AW  Put it down, love. 
    [SD finally admits defeat, and opens his fingers. 
the weights clunk to the 
      ground.  SD remains frozen for a few seconds,
then shuffles his way out 
      the room - still squatting - while saying,
feebly...] 
SD  I think I used to much chalk. 
 
 
32. THE LONG BIG PUNCH UP (cont.) 
 
    [both PW and CH are lying on the ground.  neither has
any energy left. 
      still, they both eventually get up in turn and
somehow continue to knock 
      seven bells out of each other] 
 
 
33. IF YOU GO DOWN IN THE WOODS TODAY... 
 
    [CH is in his pyjamas, carrying a glass of milk, on his
way to Bedfordshire. 
      after he gets into bed, he picks up his book from
the bedside table, and 
      is about to start reading, when pink! the
lightbulb goes.  we hear CH 
      scratching around in the dark...] 
CH  Where's the spare? 
    [slight pause as CH eventually finds it] 
CH  Oh!  And... out with that one.  And...
oh.  There. 
    [the light suddenly comes on again, to reveal CH at the
top of some steps, 
      surrounded by growling bears. 
pink!] 
 
 
[END CREDITS] 
 
 
34. COMPETITIVE DAD 
 
    [AW, B1 and B2 are in living room, watching TV.  from
the hall, we hear...] 
SD  Aaaaaaargh! 
    [SD enters the room.  still squat/walking.  he's
managed to change into his 
      PJ's and dressing gown] 
 
 
35. SCOTTISH CINEMA (cont.) 
 
    [a pipe-smoking CH is talking to AW] 
CH  Think of the best sneeze you've ever had, Nancy, and
multiply it by a lot. 
    Like, three.  You're not even
close! 
 
 
36. QUICK! 
 
    [MW and family are now running up some stairs in a
department store] 
MW  Quick! Quick! 
 
 
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Bon Scott

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