Script for Series 2, Episode 4 (Plain Text)

[Bon Scott]

THE FAST SHOW - SECOND SERIES (1995), #4

The players:

AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players

1. BADGER WATCH WITH BOB FLEMING

[it is night, and CH is sat a few feet away from a badger set]
CH Hello, welcome to Badger Watch. Ahem! Excuse me. We're
expecting
great things tonight as, er, young badgers - or badgerlets, as
they're
called - are just at the age when they're starting to venture
forth from the
set, under the watchful eye - of course - of mom and dad, and...
what a
privilege it is to be here tonight.
[a badger pops it head up out of the set]
CH This, erm, this lit- HACK! HACK!
[it disappears quickly at the sound of CH's hacking]
CH Oh, he's gone. I hope someone didn't frighten him off. Look,
I'm sorry, but
can we all be quiet, please? I CANNOT stress enough-
[badger reappears again at the hole]
CH - the importance of... A-HACK! HACK! A-HACK!
[badger quickly disappears again, CH just about manages to croak
out...]
CH ...silence!

[INTRO CREDITS]

2. PUB KNOW-IT-ALL

CH Can you do me a couple o' ones in the change, please?
JT Yeah.
CH That machine takes ones, dunnit?
JT Yeah, yeah.
[pause as SD observes barman JT handing CH his change]
SD Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't do that. No point doin' that.
Give 'im the
tenner back. Right? You give 'im the fiver. And the fifty.
Right? Give 'im
that back. See, you take that. An' you just give 'im the free
ones. Right?
Give 'im the free ones, 'assit. Now, you give 'im thirty,
right? You give 'im
the ten bob back, an' you owe 'im - if I'm right - twenty two
pence.
[pause]
SD That's wrong, innit? So - give 'im thirty back. You give 'im
the ten bob.
Put that away, cos it's just gettin' on me nerves. Yeah, like
that. And
you now need tw-
CH Five pound.
SD Right. 'scuse, mate! Excuse me, mate. ?? I know me a nick ??.
Can you
lend me a two pound coin? I'll give it back to ya. Double-
quick. Come on.
Right. There's your two pound. Fold yer little 'and up.
You're square. Are
you? Am I right?
[slight pause]
CH No, I'm look... I'm down, now.
SD You're down? Right, well in that case, you give 'im a pound.
PS Where's my two quid?
SD [sighs] Nearby. ?? Terry... ??

3. THE SMASHED FAMILY

[MM is in the Smashed kitchen "preparing" breakfast listening to
the radio]
PW ?? set ?? thirty three year old ?? recture ?? we have a lot of
fun, aren't
we? Well, let's have quite literally MORE fun with O-A-SIS.
["Roll With It" starts playing on radio as MW enters room]
MW Morning, darling. I'm not pissed, you know.
MM Morning, darling. Neither am I. I'll get you breakfast,
darling.
[MW walks over and accidentally rips lead out of radio, he tries
tuning it
in again with no success. he then stands bolt upright and
smacks his
head on an open cupboard door]
MW Mm. I'm glad I'm not pissed. I could have smacked my head on
that.
[pause as MW walks over to the fridge]
MW I'll have some orange juice.
[MW opens fridge full of beer cans. MW coughs as he pulls a
ring tab]
MW Ah! A-heurgh! A-hargh! Mmm. Very refreshing. Vitamin C.
Very
important.
[MM's back is to MW, while she's having her own secret tipple]
SD Mornin', mum! Mornin', dad!
MW Morning, son. Hello my b-o-y. My sonny Jim!
[MW ruffles SD's hair playfully]
MW My lovely boy! I LOVE you! Done your homework, son?
SD Yeah. 'ere y'are - look.
[SD shows off two pages of incoherent scribbling in exercise
book]
SD I weren't pissed when I done it, dad.
MW Oh, it's very good. Very good.
[pause]
MW Breakfast. Most important meal o' the day. [MW smacks his
lips]
[unseen to MW, MM slides raw bacon from frying pan on to floor
instead of
MW's empty plate on the table. MW looks down and licks his
lips.]
MW Ahhh, I've finished. Thank you, mother. De-licious!
[all three turn away from each other and have another secret
tipple.
MM walks back over to oven, then stands up straight and bangs
her head
- very hard! - against the cupboard door. she doesn't feel a
thing.]
MM Better shut that door in case someone hits their head on it.
[pause as MW gathers himself]
MW Rrrright! Well... WORK!
[cut to front of house. PW is a tramp lounging in their porch,
with a
bottle in his hand, singing to himself incomprehensibly]
SD Bye, grandad! 'ere's ten pence!
[pause as MW looks puzzled when he gets to the car. then he
remembers.]
MW I'll drive!
PW Hey! Ho! I'm... not... pissed!
[SD gets in car with MW. MW promptly floors the throttle,
shoots out of
their driveway, straight across the road into the driveway
opposite.
unfortunately, another car is already parked there. PRANG!]

4. PUB KNOW-IT-ALL

SD OK. So. A pound. A pound. And two pence. That's your two
pound.
There's your two pence. You fold up. You are now totally
squits with 'im.
An' you are squits with 'im. But - you're still down. So -
what I'll do is this.
I'll take twenny off you - an' give it to you.
[slight pause]
MW I'm ten quid down, 'ere.
SD Don't get out yer pram, mate - I'm tryin' to do you a favour!
AWIGHT?
CH Calm down, all right?
SD Look, there's your fifty. Right? There's your fifty. 'old up
a minute. Rose!
[SD goes over to old woman sat a table]
Rose, love - got your money in your purse? Gimme a coupl'a
pound coins?
Double-quick, love. What's that - a thre'penny bit? You
should'a taken
that down the bank years ago. They'll never change it now.
Look, gizza
couple pound coins. I'll give 'em back t'ya. (Got some idiots
in 'ere.)
[SD goes back to the crowd gathered at the bar]
Right. OK. So. Two quid. For you. That's you done. You
now... need a
pound.
JT For God's sake, man - why don't you just let me give 'im 'is
change?
SD Oh, I see. It's like that, is it. You try an' do people a
favour, an' they
throw it in your face. Well, I tell ya what... pick it out o'
that lot.
[SD picks up the charity jar - full of coins - and smashes it on
the floor!]

5. HOPELESS CROUPIER

JT And so, mesdames, messieurs, tres jours si'l vous plait.
[pause]
JT Ces teut. Oui. Attention.
[JT throws the ball in the wheel - it promptly bounces out on to
the floor]
JT Oh, right. Messieurs, mesdames. Je suis, er, ?? kebaye ??
(Shite.)
I'll just go get it. Just- wait there.

6. CHANEL 9 - LOTTO LOTTO

PS Bono estente! Den e "Lotto Lotto"! E dua muste a vitchi muste,
Poutremos Poutra Poutremo!
[pause as PW appears, doing his best Bruce Forsyth
impersonation]
PW HO-HO! MEO PUSADO?
Crowd PUSADO MEO!
PW HEY!
[pause as PW runs round a decreasing loop "maze" leading to a
lectern]
PW O-ho! Oh, bone estente, wilkommen, bonjour, hello and goodbye
to
"Lotto Lotto"!
[pause]
PW Ho-ho! OK. Falia helah, falia heleh, falia heleh. Chris
Waddle!
[slight pause]
PW E falia ming. Mit speciale guesta, Pou-lll-la Fisch!
CA Ello, Poutremos! Scorchio!
PW Scorchio! Ha! Mia do popos, sminki pinki te numeros tomano,
"grabba da
balls!"
[pause as CA walks over to machine. we see PW standing behind
lectern.
you can make out what the numbers are going to be before they
are
called out and PW presses a button to "light" them!]
CA Ohhh - Mixa!
PW Mixa!
[PW presses first button. "2" is now highlighted on panel]
CA Oh!
PW Oh!
[PW presses second button for "0"]
CA Three!
PW "Three!" [in best Brummie accent]
[PW presses third button for "3"]
CA Three-ma-tosis!
PW Three-ma-tosis!
[PW presses fourth button for "13"]
CA Mixa-ma-tosis!
PW Mixa-ma-tosis!
[PW presses fifth button for "12"]
CA Ohh - chinky-chinky-chinkanta-chinkanta-kanto-kanta-kanta-
chinkanta-
pentos!
PW Chinky-chinky-chinquenta-chingwanda-changa-changa-changanda-
changa
-chingwendo-pentos!
[PW presses sixth button - it's just the number "5"!]
PW E... e kologo bus... heh... POULA!
[CA is in another world, dreaming]
CA Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aaah! Ohhh. Ooooh! Jaxi!
PW Jaxi!
[PW presses seventh button for "20"]

7. JESSE'S DIETS

MW This week, I are been mostly eatin'... acorns.

8. JUST BIG KIDS

[all the FS crew are sat around a conference table, in a
business meeting]
AW OK! Listen up, people! Concentrate. Thank you. Taking it as
read that
everybody saw the early edition of the F.T. this A.M. Three
alarming
reports coming out of China. Now, there is a danger that our
foothold
there is gonna be eroded. There was also the piece on
Newsnight, which,
er, focused on the Pacific Rim industries which won't have
helped us
either. But - there was a really good piece on Animal Hospital
last night...
[JT suddenly clasps his hands over his ears]
SD Oh, the little bunny?
AW Yes! Oh, sw-e-e-e-e-e-t!
PW Oh, I felt sorry for that little kitten with the cut paw.
All Aww! Yeah!
[PW suddenly clocks JT screwing his face up]
PW Alex? What's the matter?
JT You bastards! I video'd that last night! I was really looking
forward to
watching that!

9. BADGER WATCH WITH BOB FLEMING

[long pause as we see CH watching the hole avidly. a badger
finally
appears, when...]
CH A-HACK-HACK-HACK!
[the badger promptly shoots back down the hole]

10. SUITS YOU, SIR (KEN AND KENNETH AS WAITERS)

PW Hello. Good evening, sir. Hoh! You're looking radiant
tonight, sir.
PS Thank you.
[slight pause]
PW Can I get a drink for you and your - ahem! - wife, sir?
[PW is trying to get PS into trouble!]
PS This is my wife.
PW Course she is, sir. Suits you, sir. They always are, aren't
they, sir?
PS No, she is.
PW That's what sir always says, sir.
[PS nervously looks over and sees AW's gently questioning stare]
PS I- I've never been here before.
[PW feigns being out of AW's earshot, but she can still hear
everything]
PW (Oh, I see. Forgive me, sir. I understand.)
PS That's all right.
[slight pause]
PW May I recommend the halibut?
[slight pause]
PW (And may I say, sir - you're a very lucky man. Your wife's a
very beautiful
lady indeed. Ooh! Suits you, sir. Ooh!).
PS Thank you.
PW I expect you can't keep your hands off her, can you sir? You
bang her
brains out, don't you, sir? I expect after a heavy session she
looks like
this in the morning, doesn't she, sir?
[PW pulls a face]
PS I beg your pardon?
[PW quickly turns to AW and innocently says...]
PW The "Coqueil Newberg" is very good today, madam.
AW Er, w-what's that?
PW Scallops.
AW Oh.
PW D'you like shellfish madam?
AW Mmm!
PW Ooh! Oysters? Suits you!
AW Mmmm!
PW Ooh! D'you chew or swallow?
AW I swallow.
[PW's eyes widen with AW's unhibited reply, then he turns to PS]
PW Suits you, sir!
[slight pause]
PS So... what about these scallops, then?
PW The tenderist, juiciest scallops, dropped into foaming butter...
AW Mmmmm!
PW ...cooked lovingly and gently so they remain firm...
AW Mmmmmm!
PW ...and plump...
AW Mmmmmmm!
PW ...and pinky white.
AW Ooooo!
PW Ooh! Drizzle on a little brandy...
AW Ssssss!
PW ...some Madeira...
AW Oooooo!
PW Ooh!
AW Mmmmmm!
PW Creme freche.
AW Mmmmmmm!
PW Truffles.
AW Mmmmmmmm!
PW Ooh! Suits you!
AW Mmmm.
[PS is puzzled by AW's increasingly passionate responses]
PS Can we move on to the desert, please?
PW I'm already there, sir. Frisson du Chocolat...
AW Ooooo!
PW ...layers of wafer thin silky Belgian chocolate...
AW Oooooo!
PW Ooh! Cappucine ice-cream...
AW Aaaah!
PW ...double whipped cream, caramel...
AW Ooooo!
PW Ooh! Grand Marnier. Ooh!
AW Mmmmmm!
PW Ooh! Topped with...
AW Mmmm!
PW ...creamy black cherries and a...
AW Mmmm!
PW ...dark, dark chocolate...
AW Ooooo!
PW ...sauce.
AW Oooooo!
PW Ooh!
AW Ooooo!
PW Suits you. Ooh!
AW Yesss!
[pause as AW suddenly regains her composure - PS decides to move
on...]
PS What about today's special, then?
[pause as MW appears from under the tablecloth, licking his
lips. AW grins]
MW Tongue, sir.

11. THE OFF-ROADERS

[we see CH and PW in full climbing regalia high up against a
rock face]
CH Right! Day seven. The big one - mountaineering. And here we
are... on
the rock face. Two lonely men against the mountain.
M1 Three!
CH Yeah, all right, Baz. Three lonely men against the mountain.
And what an
unforgiving Jezebel of a mountain...
PW I- I- I'm stuck, Simon.
CH What?
PW I can't move!
[slight pause]
CH Well, put your hand to that hand-hold. There - above your head.
PW What hold?
CH Above your head!
PW I can't see it!
CH Why?
PW I can't see anything!
CH What d'you mean, "you can't see anything"?
PW I've - got - rock-blindness!
CH There's no such thing as "rock-blindness"!
PW There is! I saw a programme about it - it's a type of mountain
fever.
CH You're just bloody scared.
PW I'm not scared.
CH Well... move your foot, then. There's a... foot-hold just
there.
PW I can't! I can't! I'm scared!
CH Look, you are going to get us both stuck. Remember, I'm
attached to you.
PW DON'T FALL OFF!
CH I'm not going to fall off!
PW DON'T FALL OFF!
CH I'M NOT...
[PW starts to panic]
CH It's all right! It's all right! It's all right! I'm not going
to fall off. I'm taking
your hand...
PW NO!
CH ...and I'm...
PW NO! NO!
CH ...gonna move it to...
PW HELP!
CH ...the handhold...
PW DON'T! DON'T LET GO! A-HOO-HOO!
CH Oh, you great bloody pillock!
PW OH!
CH Get in there. You ponce!
[CH unclips himself from the rope, and jumps down. camera
P.O.V. changes
to reveal that they were only 4ft off the ground after all!]
PW OH!
[CH walks away in disgust, chuntering under his breath...]
CH You bloody great puff!
[pause as PW is left on the cliff face, alone in the howling
wind...]
PW SIMON! I'm c-o-l-d, Simon! S-i-m-o-n!

12. HOPELESS CROUPIER

[JT reappears from under the roulette table, grinning - he's
holding the ball
inbetween his thumb and forefinger]
JT I found it!

13. THE POSH COCKNEYS

[PW and AW are dressed as toffs in front of their old roadster]
PW Hello, we're Cockneys. Yes, that's right, Cockneys.
AW Luck! Both born hugga-mugga to the sound of Bow Bells.
PW That's right. We were wondering, is there a pie and mash shop
round
here, anywhere?

14. JAZZ CLUB

JT Great. And welcome once again to Jazz Club, and a departure
from recent
shows in that this week, we're featuring a soloist. Grrreat.
Would you
welcome the much admired Yolanda Ayres. Yolanda has recently
completed
a tour of Malaysia. Nnnnn. Not normally the world normally
associated
with innovative jazz. Yolanda tells me, that whenever she
tours, she
always takes her four month old daughter with her. Niiice. So,
here's
Yolanda now with a sideways look at the jazz standard, "More
hoopla for
my moopla, Mr Ticket". Wwwonderful.
[camera moves on to CA with her xylophone. CA starts to play,
but only
manages one note before the end drops off one stick, then the
other.
CA puts her hand to her nose to sniff back the tears(!)]

15. AGINCOURT / I'LL GET ME COAT

[a battlefield somewhere in France...]
SD WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS! WE SHALL SLAY THOSE FRENCH DOGS!
JT AYE! WE SHALL CUT THEM DOWN, LIKE SO MANY SHEAVES OF WHEAT!
SD God is on our side. THE FRENCH ARE DEVILS!
MW Oh, I dunno - they're not too bad, are they? I mean, they're ??
sports ??
is much better than ours. They're dress sense is vastly
superior to ours.
They're women are better lookin'. They're cookin' is brilliant.
And they're
language... "ma jolie..."
[on hearing French being spoken, all the men at arms stood
behind them
automatically drop their pikes forward]
MW "...en tu champs..."
[pause as MW realises it wasn't a good idea to speak French!]
MW I'll get me cloak.

16. DODGY GEEZER

PW 'allo, ladies. Awight? 'aaz it goin'? Yeah, er, can I
int'rest you in any
perfume? 'ave a look at 'at. Go on. Look. None of it's
dodgy. It's all
kosher. It's all pukkah. It's all nicked! Yeah, I'll nick
anything, I will.
Know what I mean? I'm a little bit whee a little bit whoo.
Swish-swish-
swish! A little bit wa-hay. Careful. Know what I mean?
Anyway,
introduction's over. Come on, what d'you reckon?
AW No, no.
MM No, it's all right.
PW Come on! It's burnin' 'ole in me bag!
AW No.
MM No.
PW No? Awight. Please yourselves. See ya.
[PW picks up AW's handbag and starts to walk off with it]
AW What are you doing?
PW I'm nickin' your bag, darlin'. Well, without a sale I gotta
make it up
some'ow, 'aven't I? ?? Three of the rare bets ?? in this game.
See ya!
AW He's nicked my bag!

17. PATRICK NICE

MW ...Chandian's uncle died unexpectedly, and left me all his
yachts. And then,
Tamara came running home from Somerset House - as fast as her
little legs
could carry her - to tell me that I was a direct descendant of
Kubla Khan.
Which was nice.

18. HOPELESS CROUPIER

M1 Ahem! Sorry, I wonder if you could help me. I've heard that,
er, no matter
what number I put my chips on - or what amount for that matter -
if the
ball stops on zero, all the chips on the table at that given
time go straight
to the bank. I wonder if you could tell me, what the odds are
on such an
occurence.
[lengthy pause as JT ponders this dilemma... but finally sighs
and shrugs
his shoulders, admitting defeat]

19. BRILLIANT KID

PW Weren't the Romans brilliant? They beat everyone in wars, and
'ad better
'elmets. But, the most brilliant thing the Romans ever did,
right, was eat
an' eat until they were full, an' then sick it all up! And then
start eatin'
again! BRILLIANT! An' this was like, long before bulimia 'ad
even been
invented. They were just doin' it for a laugh! A bit like
rugby players.
Aren't rugby players fantastic? In't Will Carling posh? The
Romans - yeah!
- beat the 'ole world at war, 'cept there wan't much of a world
to beat at
the time, y'know - no Americans or Japs or funny Egyptians -
huh! You
know, Cleopatra...
[PW has been leap-frogging over bollards as he's talking, but
the last one
he gets to isn't secured at the bottom, so he goes flying!
cut to later...]
PW FANTASTIC! She died of a snake crawlin' up 'er arse. You'd
think someone
would'a noticed, wun't ya? AND THEN - THEY BURIED 'ER IN A
PYRAMID!
AREN'T PYRAMIDS fantastic? 'ow did they build 'em? Well, they
'ad
summing about it on that programme, y'know, "'ow do they do
that?"
Where they show you how they do do it. Do 'ow they do do that
'ow they
'ow they do that. How do they do do that?

20. RUBBISH DAD

JT Now, Des Lynam, I do like.

21. BADGER WATCH WITH BOB FLEMING

CH Cough! Cough! Cough! Hack! Hack!
JT (Bob, would you take some of this cough mixture? Cos I think
the coughing
is frightening them off.)
CH (Oh, really?)
JT (Yes.)
CH (If you think so, that's a good idea.) Hrrrrm!
[slight pause. badger appears, unseen to CH, who gargles
loudly, scaring
them off]
CH (Any sign of 'em yet?)

22. JESUS FREAKS

M1 ...and two glasses of house wine, while we're waiting.
PW Certainly, sir. The white or red?
M1 Erm... what are they like?
PW Er, well, the white, sir - it's an Australian Chardonney. It's
very light.
Quite fruity.
M1 Right.
AW And the red?
PW The red represents the blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ, madam.
It's for
our sins.

23. COMPETITIVE DAD

SD Come on, Toby - are we on the right road, or aren't we?
AW Look, erm, why don't you let me map read?
SD No - they've got to learn.
AW But we're completely lost.
SD We are not completely lost, dear. The signpost back there said,
"Dusseldorf 20km". Essen cannot be far away.
[slight pause]
AW Oh, look - er, there's a man coming down the road. Couldn't we
ask him?
SD That's a good idea. Yes. Right - come on, Toby. Ask him the
way to
Essen. Don't be shy.
B1 Do you know the way to Essen, please?
SD In German!
AW He doesn't study German, darling.
B1 I don't do German at school. I do French.
SD Well, this is a very good opportunity for you to learn. I speak
five
languages fluently.
B1 Well, why don't you ask him?
SD I beg your...
CH It is OK. I can speak English.
SD Oh, you can, can you? Go on then, Toby - ask him.
B1 D'you know the way to Essen, please?
CH Oh, it is qvite simple. You must follow zis rhoad along...
SD This road, Toby. Tell him this road.
B1 Pardon?
SD Tell him it's "THIS road", not "ZIS rhoad".
AW Darling, he's only trying to help!
SD Yes. Indeed. And I'm trying to help him. He claims he can
speak English.
Go on, Toby - tell him it's not "zis rhoad".
B1 (It's not "zis rhoad").
CH It is zis rhoad. And you must come along until you come to a
chunkshun...
SD A junction. There is a junction.
CH Vot?
SD Tell him it's a junction, not a "chunkshun". And it's not
"Vot?" either - it's
"Pardon?"
B1 (There is a junction.)
CH Ja, zer is a chunkshun. And as I am sayink, here you must turn
to ze
right.
SD As I was saying. As I was saying.
B1 (As I was saying).
CH Vot ver you sayink?
SD He wasn't saying anything! You were saying...
CH I'm sorry?
SD You were saying, "as I am saying", instead of, "as I was
saying".
CH I do not understand.
SD Right, Toby - you have totally lost control of the situation,
and I would ask
you to stand aside. Now. You. Beardy. Here. How do you
expect any
English tourist to understand what you are saying, if you cannot
grasp the
most basic English sentence structure...

24. JESSE'S DIETS

MW Come on.
[a reluctant scruffy PW shuffles out of the shack after him]
MW This week, I are been mostly eatin'... timbalies.

25. COLIN HUNT

[CH is at a party, trying to mingle with the other guests. he
picks on PS]
CH Oh! Colin Hunt. I'm an astronaut. Hu-huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!
No, I'm just
kidding around. No, it's Arthur Hunt. Hu-huh! Huh! No,
seriously, it is
Colin. And I'm a stuntman.
[CH makes like a stuntman?]
CH Uuuuuuh! Aw, don't worry. Didn't feel a thing. Ooh! Ha-ha-
ha! No, I,
er, I work for the, er, council. Yeah. As a ninja warrior.
Ayoo! Ayoo!
Ayoo! Hah-so! Ying tong yiddle aye poh. Yes. No, actually,
I'm in, er,
Resource Management. Yes. Er, Peking County Council. Huh!
Huh!
Hu-huh! Yeah. Costs me a bloody fortune every day in bus
fares! Hu-huh!
Huh! Oh! No!
[CH starts to smacks his own face a couple of times]
CH Oh! Stupid joke! Ooh! Stop that, you silly man!
[CH slaps his own wrist]
CH Slap your wrist! What was I thinking of? Oh, let's all calm
down shall we
and start again. Rewind, eh? Wz-wz-wz-wz-wz! Huh! Hello!
Hunt.
Colin Hunt. Superspy. Ha-ha-ha! Huh! Had you goin' there,
eh? Oh,
dear. No, as I say, I am in, er, Resources Management. And I
live in the
moon. Hu-huh! Actually, right inside it. Yes. Is that
cheese? I don't
know. Gorgonzola? Camembert? Edam?
[slight pause]
CH Er, no, I live in Chiswick, actually. Er, in a great big
castle! Hu-huh! Ha-
hah! No, I've got a very nice house, actually, er, yes, er,
I've just been
doing it up. I did the old, er, master bedroom. Entirely in
blood! Yeah.
Sacrificed a virgin.
[CH mimes a stabbing action to his own chest]
CH A-aaaak! A-aaaak! A-aaaak! A-aaaak!
[slight pause, then CH adds one more for emphasis]
CH A-aaaak! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! No, it wasn't a virgin. It was
the wife.
A-ha-ha-ha! Oh! But she hasn't been a virgin for, er, ooh, a
good five
minutes. Huh! Huh!
[a desperate PS tries to get away, but CH quickly steps after
him]
CH Here, here - you know those, er, those, er, those railings that
go round
your house. Iron railings.
PS Yes?
CH NO! Neither do I. Hu-huh-hah! Cos I live in a flat. Area.
Very flat, down
our road. Very flat. Hur-hur-hur!
[PS tries it again and fails to get away for a second time]
CH No. Sorry. Sorry. Bad joke, wasn't it. What was I thinking
of.
M1 Whoop! Whoop!
CH Ooh! I wouldn't mind some of what he's on!
[PS seizes his chance and runs away very quickly while CH is
distracted.
CH carries on talking to himself. and does his Quasimodo
routine.]
CH Ho-ho! Esmeralda! The bellth! The bellth! Thanctuary!
[slight pause as CH suddenly spies the food table]
CH Ah. Some nibbles.

26. CHEEZY PEAZ

PW If you like cheese, if you like peas, you'll love Cheezy Peaz.
Whoa! You'd
go mad for these! NEW! Squeezy Cheezy Peaz! Tea's a breeze
with
Squeezy Cheezy Peaz! So, come on, Mams! Make it easier! Make
it
cheesier! Make it peazier! Make it s-q-u-e-e-zier! With NEW
Squeezy
Cheezy Peaz! Available in traditional, and now, new STRAWBERRY
flavour!

27. HOPELESS CROUPIER

JT Douze. Rouge.
AW OH! THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME!
CH Congratulations. I really don't know why I bother. My luck's
not been in
all night.
[JT pushes all the chips towards AW]
AW Ooh!
SD Excuse me. It's on seventeen.
[pause as JT checks the roulette wheel]
JT He's right, you know.
CH You twat! I had four on...
[everyone starts jabbering about what they had on where]
JT Yes - one at a time, please...
CH ...four on the odds...
JT ...you had three hundred, you were grey there...
CH I had four...
[the argument continues for a short while...]
CH Yes, I had four on the black, and four on a horse.
JT I tell ya what we'll do. We'll start (sorry about this, love) -
we'll start with
takin' these...
[JT makes a move towards recovering AW's stash of chips - AW
tries to
hang on to them]
AW NO! I WON THEM! NO! LOOK, YOU CAN'T...
[suddenly, they're thrown all over the place in the tug-of-war.
JT sighs.]
JT Now look what you've made me do.
[slight pause as JT tries to recover...]
JT Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. It's me first
night. Let's
try again.

28. STUPID TEENAGER

CA D'you know what, right, I really love midwives, right? When I
were 'avin'
me babeh - Chelsea - the midwife, she was great. I mean, she
din't flinch.
An' she were lookin' at me down-below bits fer 'ours. An' me
babeh -
Chelsea - 'ad this, like, cord attached to it, right? An' the
other end was
stuck t' me. I thought, "Oh, no - what 'mah gonna do now?"
And, like, the
midwife, she just cut it off straight away. She really seemed
to know what
she were doin', baby-wise. But, oh, y'know what, right, when
they 'anded
me Chelsea, I was really repulsed. It was just so wrinkleh.
But the
midwife, she went, "No - give 'er a chance. Y'know, she'll fill
out." An' she
'as. Everyone sez she's the spit o' me. Only a lot younger.

29. THE NEWLY-WEDS

[MW, EM and son are out in the park one sunny day...]
EM Oh, that looks like a nice spot for our picnic. Through there.
[a short while later, they're all sat down in the shade of a
large tree,
and they're about to start eating, when EM hears
something...]
EM I think I can hear a chaffinch up in the tree.
[all three look up. CH and wife are up there, stark bollock
naked, on a
branch. the wife is astride CH, with her legs akimbo]
CH Oh! Hello!
[MW's eyes widen. he covers his son's eyes quickly with his
hand. EM
tries to pretend like nothing's happened...]
EM The scotch eggs look nice.

30. TED AND RALPH

[CH and PW are fishing by a small stream. CH is standing, PW is
sitting]
CH What a lovely day, Ted. I'm having a lovely time.
[slight pause]
CH Ah, Ted - I never noticed bef- not that I- not that I meant to
notice, Ted,
that, er, scar on your neck. How'd you come by that?
PW I got burned in a...
[CH interrupts PW]
CH I bet it's exciting! Er, do go on, Ted.
[slight pause]
PW I got burned in a fire, sor.
CH A fire! What a life you've led!
[pause]
PW I don't really like to talk about it, sor. It happened when I
was a very
young man. I'd just started a new job, at the big house. And
it caught
fire, sor. Oh, it was a terrible thing. Terrible confusion.
People running
about.
[slight pause]
PW Well, they all got out. But then, the norsemaid said she'd
left... a little
child... a baby boy, he was... in the norsery. So... wid no
t'ought to me
own personal safety, sor, oi dashed into the buildin' and fought
me way
up the stairs, chokin' on the terrible t'ick smoke. To be
certain, it was the
closest thing to a vision of Hell oi'd ever seen, sor. But oi
found the little
fellah, cryin' his heart out in his cot. An' oi snatched him up
in me arms,
sor, an' dashed back out into the inferno. The spittin' flames.
Crashin'
brickwork everywhere, sor. An'... I just got to the door, sor,
as this huge
great timber crashed down an' caught me on the back o' the
neck, sor,
an' sent me to the floor, like that. Well... I crawled out,
sor, an' collapsed
outside on the floor, with the... little child safe in me arms.
An' fainted
away. Went out for a week, sor.
[slight pause]
PW That little boy, well, he grew...
[CH starts sobbing]
CH It was- it was me, wasn't it, Ted? It was me!
[slight pause as CH walks away, still crying, out of earshot]
PW No.

31. PROFESSOR DENZIL DEXTER

[JT has a coriander on his head, with various metal objects
stuck to it]
JT We wanted to see if we could harness the powerful gamma rays
that
occur naturally in the Earth's atmosphere. And so, Dave and I
built this
headset out of ordinary household objects, that you'd find in an
every day
house, or home. Let's switch on the light.
[pause as JT flicks a switch on his "helmet". a small bulb is
lit up]
JT That's very important. And now, we shall proceed to pull the
lever.
[JT pulls said "levver". his eyes cross, sparks fly to loud
crackling noises,
and smoke comes out of his head.]
JT Dave, man, you gotta have a go on this. It's a gas! Whoo!

[END CREDITS]

32. THE NEWLY-WEDS

[MW answers his front door. he's greeted by CH and wife,
nekkid, facing
each other, locked in a lover's embrace, trying to look
innocent]
CH Hello. Good evening.
[MW doesn't appear to be shocked anymore, and cautiously
replies...]
MW Y-e-s?
CH We couldn't borrow a bucket of cold water, could we?

33. THE INSECURE WOMAN

[AW is lying on a hospital bed, in a fetching split blue gown,
legs apart,
about to pop a sprog. MM is looking straight up badger
alley.]
MM Push! Come on!
AW OOOOH! OWWWW!
MM Nearly there! Not much longer, now!
AW AARGH! OHHHH! AAAAAAH!
[AW is panting frantically, but still manages to blurt out
between gasps...]
AW Does my bum look big in this?

34. THE POSH COCKNEYS

PW Cheerio!
AW Cheerio!
PW We're orf to Southend!
AW For our holidays!

[eof 2#4]
--
Bon Scott