Script for Series 2, Episode 6 (Plain Text)
Bon Scott
THE FAST SHOW - SECOND SERIES (1996), #6 - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
The players:
AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players
1. JESSE'S DIETS
MW This week, I are been mostly eatin... hhhoney.
[INTRO CREDITS]
2. COMPETITIVE DAD
[the family are all sat in their living room, watching "Jaws" on
TV...]
B1 Oh, mum - this is my best bit!
[...until SD promptly turns it off with the remote control]
SD Right, let's take a vote. Who gave the best presents this year?
[SD quickly whips out his notebook and pen]
AW Do we really have to go through this every Christmas?
SD I'd rather you didn't interrupt, dear - it's important to
maintain standards.
Now, who thought that Mum gave the best presents?
[slight pause]
SD Right, and who thought that Toby gave the best presents?
[slight pause]
SD OK, and who thought that Peter gave the best presents?
[slight pause as B1 put's his hand up]
SD Oh. Oh, I see. So you really thought, did you, that a pair of
socks, some
bath salts, and a pop record, were better than an expensive
compass,
Delia Smith's winter collection, and a brand new cricket bat,
enscribed by
the entire England eleven.
AW It's the thought that counts, dear.
SD Yes, dear - and a lot of thought went into my presents.
B1 I like my CD. It's better than a useless compass.
SD Really? And tell me, young man, if you were stranded at the
base of a tor
in Northumbria, with the rain sleeting down, freezing cold,
would you look
to your "Pop CD" to guide you home? I think not.
B2 Actually, I like the video tape he gave me.
SD Well, I'm sorry, Peter - we've already taken a vote on Toby's
presents. You
should have put your hand up earlier on.
[slight pause]
SD Now, your presents were much less expensive than mine, therefore
they
can't be anywhere near as good.
AW They've been saving their pocket money all year to buy these
presents!
SD That's not the point, love - they could have got weekend jobs.
[slight pause]
SD I work all year round to provide for you lot. To buy you food
and nice
clothes and send you on holidays. And what do you do? You- you
vote
against me. Stab me in the back!
AW All right, everybody, who thought Dad's presents were the best?
[slight pause as AW, B1 and B2 all put their hands up to placate
SD]
SD Huzzah! So, with the time at ten to four - traditional
Christmas arm-
wrestling. Come on, Toby!
3. JAZZ CLUB
JT Hello, and welcome to Xmas Jazz Club. Mmmm. Jingle bells.
Tonight,
we've got the legendary American jazz singer, Art "Arty" Storm.
Niiice.
Lately, he's been singing with such jazz luminaries as
Hornfinger, the
Reverend Blow, and of course, the Flying Wing of Jazz Destiny
We'll Visit
All the Brothers of Earth Noon Time Any Time Rise Up and Be
Counted Now
and Beyond Forever. Wunderbar! Tonight, Art is backed by the
Warm
Phoenix Trio. Featuring Teepee Johnson...
[PW has been slowly slinking up behind JT]
PW "Ba-ba-boo-boo!"
JT ...on bass, How-
PW "Da-ba-boo-bwee-bab! Shoo-boo-boo-doo-boo-boo-boo! Scooby-
dooby-
dooby-doooo-louee! How do you doooo-be-dooby-do-do-do-doo!
Shabba-
doo-ba-boo!"
JT Nice.
PW "Boo!"
JT Er, Arty, my old jazz friend, welcome aboard. So, what are you
gonna sing
for us then, Arty?
[PW starts pulling JT's face about, playfully. JT doesn't like
it one bit]
PW I'm gonna "sweeee-boooo! Ba-dooba-dooba-dooba-ba-ba-boo-boo-ba-
ba-
booooo! Sing the birds down from the tree-heeeees!" Know what
I'm
sayin'? Shabba-doo-ba-ba-bayang!
JT Oh. Huh! Great.
PW "Boo!"
JT Well, wouldn't you like to go... over to the band, and, er, and
join the band
and...
[PW starts pulling JT's face about more forcefully. JT's face
is mud]
PW Ree-lax! Pay your in-come tax! I'm gawn, man. I'm on the
space shuttle.
"Be-ba-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-be-boo-boo-boo!"
[JT's patience and control finally snap...]
JT GET OVER THERE! GET OVER THERE!
PW I'm gawn, man. I - rest - my - case. "Shabba-doo-be-boo!"
Yeah!
[JT regains his composure, but makes a sour face at Arty's name]
JT So, here with a jazz-wise look at a Christmas classic, please
welcome, Art
"Arty" Storm.
[pause as the band strikes up, PW climbs up some stairs to a
high stage]
PW "We wish you a shooby-doo-be-boo-be-booooooo..."
[PW has just improvised himself backwards over the edge of the
stage]
4. I'LL GET ME COAT
PS ...it's quite ludicrous of the tabloids to keep banging on about
homosexuals
bringing about the collapse of society, when it's quite obvious
that gays
have been responsible for so much of what we call
"civilisation".
EM Socrates?
PS Exactly.
MM Michaelangelo.
EM Well, almost every painter whose ever lived!
MM Right. Except Picasso, of course.
PS Not even during his "pink" period? Ha-ha!
EM Ha-ha!
MM Ha-ha!
MW Ha-ha-ha!
EM I'm not just thinking of vision artists. Erm, I mean, A.
Hausmann, Oscar
Wilde, Joe Orton...
PS Er, Nigel Hawthorne, Sir Ian McKellern...
MM Well, gays have been the cornerstone of society and culture
since...
MW Yeah! Larry Grayson, Julian Clary, John Inman. Shut that door!
Hello,
sailor! I'm freee! I'll get me coat.
5. TED AND RALPH
[it's snowing outside the big house. PW is turning a stopcock
with a large
T-bar. CH is stood a few feet away, shivering]
CH Ted! Don't worry about that now, Ted! You'll freeze!
PW I don't want to leave you without water over Christmas, sor.
CH Well... please come inside and get warm. Wait for this snow to
pass.
PW Ah, well now, sor, the cold's never bothered me. Mrs Ted says I
must be
half a penguin, sor.
CH What's that, Ted? You're half a p-penguin?
PW Go inside, sor - you'll spoil your shoes.
CH What do you mean Ted, you're "half a penguin"? I'm not sure I
heard you
correctly?
PW Go inside sor, now.
CH No - I insist that you come inside now, Ted.
[slight pause]
PW No, sor.
[slight pause]
CH Ted!
[slight pause]
PW No, sor.
[slight pause]
CH Ted!
[slight pause]
PW No, sor.
6. WHAT DID I SAY, ROY?
[CA, JT and AW are sat round the dining table, having Christmas
dinner]
CA ...it's no good gettin' a turkey, you're fed up of it by Boxin'
Day. I said to
Roy, "it's no good gettin' a turkey, you're fed up of it by
Boxin' Day". What
did I say, Roy?
JT It's no good gettin' a turkey, you're fed up of it by Boxin'
Day.
CA Ooh, and the queues in Marks's. How long was I stood there?
JT Forty minutes?
[CA slams her knife and fork down on her plate and glares at JT]
CA You know it was forty five minutes, Roy. What are you tryin' to
show me
up for in front o' your mother?
7. SUITS YOU, SIR (KEN AND KENNETH AS CAROL SINGERS)
Both "God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay, for Jesus
Christ..."
[PS opens his front door in his dressing gown, to be greeted by
PW & MW]
Both "...our saviour was born on Christmas Day!"
PW Hell-o, sir. Merry Christmas to you, sir. How are you, sir?
PS Er, I'm very well, thank you.
[pause as PW and MW look at PS expectantly]
PS Er, oh- oh- and you?
PW Radiant, sir. Radiant, sir. It is, afterall, Christmas.
MW Do you have any wives, sir?
PW Or daughters, sir? Or pets?
PS Well I- I am married.
[PS flashes the ring on his left hand at them to prove it]
PW Would you wish them a very merry Christmas from us, sir?
MW And a happy new year, sir. To your wives, your daughters, and
your very
many pets.
PW And remember, sir - a puppy isn't just for Christmas, but for
life.
MW Ooh! A puppy? Suit you, sir!
PW Ooh! Does your wife maintain eye contact, sir? Throughout,
sir? With that
sort of serious look? Does she, sir?
MW It doesn't get any better than that, sir. Does it, sir?
PW Ooh! Suits you, sir.
[a surprised PS looks incredulously at them...]
PS I beg your pardon?
[PW starts rattling his "Sick Children" collection box at him -
PS mellows]
Both "Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen, as the
snow
lay round about, deep and crisp and even!"
PW Ooh! Deep and crisp and even, sir! Suits you!
MW Hah! Do you experiment with food, sir?
PW Have you bought your wife a battery operated Christmas present,
sir?
MW Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
PW Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
PS RIGHT! Why don't you two...
[PW waves the collection box again. PS isn't falling for it
this time]
Both "Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing!"
PW Will you be dinging and donging merrily on high tonight, sir?
MW Will you be ringing your wife's bell, sir?
PW Will you be going like a trapper, sir? In a frenzy of sweat and
hair, sir?
Both Ooh! Suits you, sir! Ooh!
PS You have got thirty seconds to clear off before I call the
police.
PW Ooh, sir - you're like a rutting stag, aren't you?
MW Suit you, sir.
Both "Ho-ho-ho!"
PS Goodbye!
[PS slams the door on them]
8. COLIN HUNT
[a Xmas office party is going on, as CH enters the room, talking
to himself]
CH ...he passes Donovan Bailey, he passes Carl Lewis, and he
breasts the tape
with ease! He's not even out of breath! Yes, Colin Hunt, world
hundred
metres champion, reigns supreme. Oh, and who's that at his
feet? It's
Pamela Anderson! She's askin'g him for a date! Well I'm sorry,
Pammy,
I've only got figs!
[CH holds up a carton of figs. no one is around to appreciate
the "joke"]
CH Ah, drinks.
[pause as CH goes over to the drinks table. a wary MW says...]
MW Whadda you want?
[CH picks up a plastic cup and holds it in his mouth, covering
his nose]
CH E-ah! E-ah! E-ah! E-ah! A- er- lager, please. Yeah, look at
that - Barry
Manilow!
[CH "crushes" the cup over his head, like you would a tinny]
CH I'm m-a-d, I am. Hu-hu-huh! Totally mad. Huh! Confucious he
say, "Oh
kato oh soh gwasshopper". Oh, strange Cantonese dialect there,
Colin.
Did I say dialect or dalek? YES! Strange Cantonese dalek.
DESTLOY!
DESTLOY! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! That was their
catchphrase,
wasn't it? CATCHPRAYAZ! Catchphrayaz! Oh, it's good, but it's
not good
enough. Come on, say what you see, say what you see.
[CH spies some potato crisps on another table]
CH There's chip there - what's he doing? He's sitting in the bowl
with all the
other chips! Hu-hu-hu-hu! Would you like one, Colin? Don't
mind if I do!
Are you being served? I don't know - I'll just have a look at
Mrs Slocombe's
pussy! Aaaaargh!
9. THE INSECURE (FRENCH) WOMAN / ANYONE FANCY A PINT?
[an arty French cinema piece in b/w. AW is doing her sex kitten
bit, lying
on her stomach - seemingly naked - on a bed under a sheet. a
pensive
CH is walking around, picking up things and putting them down
again]
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes mes genoux? {Do you like my knees?}
CH Tes genoux? Oui. J'adore tes genoux. {I love your knees.}
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes mes cuisses? {Do you like my thighs?}
[pause]
CH Oui. {...Yes}
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes mes poignets? {Do you like my wrists?}
[pause]
CH J'aimons particulaire tes poignets. {I particularly like your
wrists}
[pause]
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes mes yeux? {Do you like my eyes?}
[pause]
CH Oui. {...Yes.}
[pause]
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes la petite place derriere mes genoux qui n'a
pas domis?
{Do you like the bit behind my knees that has no name?}
[pause]
CH A-oui. {...Yes}
[pause]
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes mon cou? {Do you like my neck?}
[pause]
CH Oui. {...Yes}
[pause]
AW Est-ce-que tu aimes mes doigts index? {Do you like my index
fingers?}
[pause]
CH Oui. {...Yes}
[pause as PW shuffles into the room, looking very glum,
muttering...]
PW Quelqu'un prend un boire avec moi? {Does anyone fancy a pint?}
[pause]
CH Oui. {...Yes}
[CH leaves with PW, leaving AW pouting sulkily on the bed]
10. PATRICK NICE
MW ...and then - at the very last moment - I let go of the 747's
undercarriage,
and dropped on to the roof of the chasing police car - still
holding the
uranium. Which was nice.
11. THE YOKELS
[two country bumpkins are leaning against a farm gate, having a
snack]
CH Woss that, then?
SD It's a yoghurt. Look.
CH I ain't never seen yoghurt like that before.
SD No, it's one o' them new-fashioned fruit corners.
CH Woss that then?
SD Well... in this bit, you've got a portion of "natural sour
yoghurt". Whereas
in this bit, you've got a slightly smaller portion of "fruit
compote". In this
case, blackberry an' apple.
[slight pause]
CH Woss the point o' that, then?
SD Well - an' 'ere's the clever bit - what you do is, you tip the
natural fruit
compote into the natural yoghurt. Thus creatin' a blackberry
an' apple
yoghurt.
[slight pause]
CH Woss the point o' that, then?
SD I dunno. Maybe I'm doin' it wrong.
12. RON MANAGER
SD So - half time, no goals - not exactly an inspiring match,
Tommy?
MW Ah, it was so slow there - I mean, I thought sometimes I was
lookin' at a
cricket match.
PW Hu-hu-hu-hu-hoo! Cricket. Slightly sinister. You know. Too
quiet, isn't
it? Too much maths. PAKISTAN THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT
FOR
SIX? AUSTRALIA FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO FOR SEVEN DECLARED?
ENGLAND, FOUR FOR A POUND? STRAWBERRIES! RIPE STRAWBERRIES!
SHAN'T BE 'ROUND TOMORRER!
SD Y-e-s. Thank you, Ron.
PW Thank you.
SD Well, disappointing first half, but it wasn't all doom and
gloom. I thought
Stan Collimore looked particularly good.
PW Ooh, you know, phuh-phooh. A strong, powerful physique - yet
graceful
like a big cat. Rrrrrrrr!
[slight pause]
MW The hooded eyes. That shy smile.
PW Gorgeous, isn't he?
MW Gorgeous.
PW Ah! Oh, but, you know, they're all georgeous, aren't they?
Stan Collimore?
David James? Sharker Hislop? Dah-vid Gin-olah? Ian Walker?
Ooh!
Gorgeous.
SD They certainly are, Ron. And what about young Jamie Rednap?
PW AWWWWW! Phwarf! You know. Ha-ha! The floppy hair? The
little boyish
smile? Enduring image, isn't it? You know. Not like his
father, old saggy
face!
[PW pulls his cheeks down beneath his eyes]
PW Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! You know, those old players, they're like
characters
of the Beano? Isn't it? Aren't they? Ha! Nobby Styles?
Chopper Harris?
Jackie Charlton? They're all uggs, aren't they? Huh!
MW George Best.
SD Now, he was gorgeous.
MW But he's lost it now.
PW Haven't we all? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-har! Far cry from small boys in
the park,
isn't it? Expensive replica away kits for goalposts? INVASION
ORANGE?
Oh, Patrick Berger, though. Oh-ho! New hero, isn't it? Those
cheek-
bones? Finely chiselled? That long mane of beautiful chestnut
hair?
PHWOAAARRRRRR!
[PW does the English hand signal for having a bit of the other
away]
PW I bet he'd like a bit of zig-a-zig pie!
13. WHAT DID I SAY, ROY?
[CA, JT and AW are still sat eating their dinner at the table]
CA ...you can't go wrong with Marks's. I said to Roy, "if you
don't like it, you
can always take it back". What did I say, Roy?
JT If you don't like it, you can always take it back.
CA I mean, Roy wanted cranberry sauce. I says, "you're not 'avin'
cranberry
sauce, Roy - you'll only end up throwin' it away". What did I
say, Roy?
JT I'll only end up throwin' it away.
CA We're not gonna have the crackers 'til after the Queen's speech.
It's a
tradition, here. I said to Roy, "I'm delighted your mum's
comin' for
Christmas". What did I say, Roy?
JT I 'ope she's not stoppin' 'til Boxin' day.
[CA furiously slams down her condiments to put Roy in his
place...]
CA I didn't say that, Roy!
14. THE INSECURE WOMAN
[AW is dressed in a fairy costume, perched on top of a Christmas
tree]
AW Pssst! Can you see up my skirt from down there? Can you tell I
haven't
got any genitalia? It's not really my fault, that's how they
make us. Now
look, this dress - does it hide a multitude of sins, or does it
make me look
fatter than I actually am? I mean, the thing is, this is your
standard fairy
outfit so there's not much I can do about it. But I could cinch
the waist
in. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "no,
that'll just
accentuate your hips and make them look like table-tops". I
mean, these
shoes, they're impossible to walk in, but they do give one a
lovely long leg.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. "A little bit tarty for a
fairy, though". I
mean, listen to me - does my bum look big with this tree up it?
15. TED AND RALPH
[CH and PW are still arguing outside the big house in the snow]
CH Ted!
[slight pause]
PW No!
[pause]
CH Ted!
[slight pause]
PW No.
[pause]
CH TED!
[slight pause]
PW NO, sor!
16. COLIN HUNT
[the party is still going on. CH spots lone female MM drinking
her wine]
CH Ah! Maria. Maria. Huh! "I've just met a girl called Maria!"
Ha-ha! "And
suddenly I've found... how wonderful a sound can beee" Hu-huh!
"MARI-AAAAAAAAH! SING IT LOUD WHEN THERE'S MUSIC PLAYINGGGGGGG!
Sing it soft, when it's almost like praying. Maria, Maria..."
MM My name's not Maria. It's Melissa.
17. BRILLIANT KID
PW In't Christmas brilliant? All that food. Y'know, all them eggs
an' that. Hu-
hu-hu-hu-hur! Only jokin'. That's Easter. When he died.
CH The Isle of Man!
PW Christmas, y'know, that's when he was born. In a stable.
Brilliant. Y'know,
cows an' that. Fantastic. Away - in - a - manger. I don't
really know
what a manger is, but, y'know, mangers - brilliant. An'
shepherds an' that.
They were there an' all. Fantastic. Shepherds are great,
aren't they? I've
seen 'em on the telly. Y'know, the way they call their dogs.
"Here! Shep!
Shep!" An' angels. They're fantastic an' all, ain't they? The
way they
come down from on high. All because o' Jesus. An' Jesus was
brilliant,
wan't he? Y'know, all them tricks he done. Like, turning water
into wine.
Posh people would'a loved him, wun't they? But, the most
brilliant thing
about 'im is - or was, and ever will be - is that he was the son
of God.
Imagine that - FANTASTIC! Y'know, at school an' that, in the
playground.
Huh! What's your dad do? Mine's a lorry driver. What's yours
do? Mine's
a postman. What's your dad, Jesus? My dad is God. The Supreme
Being.
BRILLIANT! I mean, God... is your DAD! BRILLIANTTTTTTTTTT!
18. BOB FLEMING'S COUNTRY FAVOURITES
CH Hallo there, Bob Fleming here. Ahem! Excuse me. To tell you
about my
new- HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK! my new- HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK!
my CD. Featuring some of your best loved folk- HACK-HACK-HACK!
folk-
HACK-HACK! folk- HACK! folkin' classics. Sung by some of your
favourite-
HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK! favourite- HACK! folk- HACK! folk-
HACK!
folk- HACK-HACK! folk- folkin'- folk singers.
[cut to MW as Clive Tucker, sat in front of a pond]
MW "Are you going to Scarborough Fayre, parsley, sage, rosemary-"
AAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[MW sneezes so hard he falls backward into the pond. cut to SD
as
Murtagh Blethyn]
SD "I put him in a pie-oh, and ate him for his tea-oh- HICCOUGH!
tea-oh-
HICCOUGH! tea-oh-"
[cut to Bob Fleming, with his puppet frog trio chorus next to
him on a rock]
CH "Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, AHEM!..."
Frogs "Hmm-mmm!"
CH "Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, HACK-HACK-HACK!"
Frogs "Hmm-mmm!"
CH "Froggy went a- HACK! and he- HACK! and a- HACK-HACK! by his
side-"
Frogs "Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!"
[cut to PW as Jed Thomas, right index finger stuck in his ear
for "tuning"]
PW "Aaaaand all around my ARSE! Oi will wear-hear the green wi-
hillow! And
all around my ARSE! For twelve months and a day! And if anyone
should
ask me the reason why I'm ARSIN'! it, it's all for my true
ARSE! who's a
far, far away... ARSE! 'ORSE! ARSE!"
[cut to group shot of all four together, singing]
All "And it's though they never..." Choo! Hic! ARSE! "...though they
never no
more..." HACK! Hic! Choo! ARSE! "...and like pigs in clover..."
Hic! HACK!
Choo! ARSE!
PW Bob Fleming's Country Favourites, available now.
All "And it's though they never..." HACK! Hic! Choo! ARSE!
"...though they
never no more..." ARSE! "...NO MORE..." Hic! Choo! HACK!
AAAAARSE!
"...never no m-o-r-e..."
MW WILL YOU STOP THAT COUGHIN'?
CH HACK!
PW ARSE!
CH That's got it!
19. RUBBISH DAD
JT Turkey, eh? Turkey? What a load of rubbish. Turkey? Well, if
it's so
bleedin' good, 'ow come we only 'ave it once a year? Now,
chips... chips,
they're good. They must be good. Cos we 'ave 'em ev'ry day!
Chips are
all right, but Christmas Turkey? CHRISTMAS TURKEY? WHAT'S ALL
THE
FUSS ABOUT? WHAT is all the fuss about? TURKEY? It's just a
FAT
BASTARD CHICKEN! That's all it is! And Cranberries.
CRANBERRIES?
CRANBERRY SAUCE? RRRRRUBBISH!
20. KNOW-IT-ALL
[MW is out jogging in the street, when SD accosts him]
SD Awight, mate? Nice day for it. 'ang on - ?? dig at his fright
pattern ?? we'll
kick on.
MW Erm, actually I've just about done. Er...
SD Don't stop now, mate - you're joints'll seize up! Take five
minutes.
MW Er, no, erm, I'd better get back 'ome.
SD No, no, no - don't go now... 'old on - what sort o' shoes you
got? They're
for tennis, really. You wanna get a pair o' these, right?
They've got
special viscose fluid in the sole - performs the same function
as cartlidge.
It's like 'avin' four knees! Ha-ha! Come on, warm down. Dig
deep breaths.
MW Well, thanks for your help, er, I- I'd better get back, really.
SD No, no - don't go 'ome now, cos you ain't got enough oxygen in
your
muscles. If you go 'ome now, you'll get all bendy.
[SD leans his arm against the wall of the house, thereby
trapping MW]
SD My pal, right, he used to play for Crystal Palace - he didn't
want to go
there - right, during the week, he's out doin' the lot. Booze,
nose up,
everyfing. Come Monday morning, he's back on the trainin'
ground.
Sweats it all out. He's as good as new! Mind you, they're
bringin' in
random drug testin' now, ain't they? That'll put the cat
amongst the
pigeons! Good job they don't 'ave it on Top of the Pops, innit?
You
wouldn't 'ave a show, would ya? Apart from the Smurf's an'
Cliff.
[slight pause]
SD I'll be your personal trainer if you want. Twelve pound an hour
- I don't do
any massage. Can't get fairer than that, can I? Here y'are, I
got me card
here somewhere. Ooh! ?? Age o' cups ?? - your in right
trouble!
21. TED AND RALPH
[PW and CH have their steaming hot drinks in their hands,
sitting in front
of a gas fire, wrapped in blankets]
CH The, er, weather is no respector of status - eh, Ted? When it's
cold, we
all freeze.
[slight pause]
PW I wouldn't know about that, sor.
CH I- I- I- I- I simply meant that, er, when the chess pieces are
put back in
the box, the- the king is no different to the pawn. Not for a
moment that
I'm, er, suggesting that your a pawn, Ted. Or indeed I, a king.
It- it was
merely an example. I could equally have said... a queen and,
er, erm...
you know what I mean, Ted.
PW Not really, sor. No.
CH Well, it's just, erm, when it snows we all get snowed on, an-
and when it
rains we all get... wet, an- and when it's sunny, erm... as it
were. I- I
think Kipling put it better than I ever could, when he said
"you're a better
man than I... Gunga Din".
[slight pause]
PW I wouldn't really know about that, sor.
CH No. Do you, erm, do you like Kipling, Ted?
[PW thinks for a minute, then cracks a wry smile at the obvious
pun]
PW I quite like the fruit slice, sor.
[pause as they both smile, before PW impersonates the old
advert...]
PW "He makes exceedingly good cakes!"
CH He- he does indeed, Ted! "Exceedingly good!"
PW "Exceedingly good!"
[cut to outside of big house, where the shared laughter can
still be heard]
22. CHEEZY PEAZ
[PW is in Santa Clause guise, as he drops down the chimney]
PW Ouch! Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho! It's me! I've
just
dropped in to tell you about new Yuletide Cheezy Peaz! Yes!
Our chaps
up North 'ave been thinkin' right 'ard about a special new
Cheezy Peaz
recipe to celebrate the birth of Christ, an' they've come up
with this!
That's right! Yuletide Cheezy Peaz! The same combination of
cheese and
peas, but - with added Xmas bwandy buttter!
[PW sets the ball of peas on fire]
PW Phoof! Look at that! Cheeses and peases for Jesus! Christmas
just
wouldn't be Christmas without Yuletide Cheezy Peaz! THINK ON,
MAM!
23. THE INSECURE WOMAN
[at the theatre, a panto horse has just come off stage. AW
takes off
the "head", looks at the rear of the horse, then to camera
and says...]
AW Does my bum look big in this?
24. INDECISIVE DAVE
[SD, PW and MW are sat around a pub table, drinking]
SD So I see Christmas is upon us once more then, Dave.
PW Yeah.
SD Don't you like Christmas then, Dave?
PW Christmas? Yeah-eah. Nah. Course I do! Know what I mean?
You've got
your family comin' 'round, brilliant telly, plenty to eat,
plenty to drink - who
wouldn't like it?
SD Me.
PW Yeah, and me. Family comin' round, too much to eat an' drink,
'eartbeat
Christmas specials - it's a nightmare, innit?
SD Mind you, there's the religious aspect, an' all.
PW Exactly.
SD Exactly what?
[slight pause as PW has been caught out]
PW Exactly what you was goin' to say, I was goin' to go along with.
SD What I was goin' to say was, Dave, is you got your religious
bumph, ain't
ya? You got, like, your carol singers, advent calendars,
mangers an' that.
PW Yeah.
MW Oh, come off it - that's what Christmas is all about! The birth
of Christ.
The greatest story ever told.
PW Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah.
SD So you really believe the greatest story ever told?
PW I don't, no! Blimey!
[slight pause]
PW There's better stories than that, ain't there? Like, I dunno,
Watership
Down?
MW Watership Down? Are you seriously suggestin' that a story about
a bunch
of talkin' rabbits is better than the story of the son of God,
come down to
Earth to save us from our sins?
PW No, course not. Watership Down's just an example.
SD What about The Hobbit?
PW Oh, awight mate, don't take the piss.
[slight pause]
PW Mind you, it is good as it goes - innit, eh? No, but - y'know -
the birth of
Christ - y'know - I mean, Jesus - y'know - whether it's the
greatest story
ever told, it don't really matter does it? Y'know, it's what it
means is the
most important thing. It's the most important thing to
everyone, innit?
[barman JT appears, collecting glasses]
JT Yeah, not if you're a Jew, Dave.
MW Or a Muslim.
SD Or a Hindu. Or a Buddhist. Or Taoist.
PW Oh, yeah. Awight. Yeah. Very funny.
[an upset PW makes for door. SD calls after him, before an
aside to MW]
SD 'old on, Dave! 'old up! ('ere, watch this!) Only 'avin' a
laugh with ya!
Come back!
PW Yeah, awight. Awight. I'm sorry.
SD It is Christmas after all, mate!
PW Awight. Cheers.
All Cheers!
MW Happy Chrimbo!
PW Be lucky!
SD Lovely!
[pause as all three drink to their toasts]
SD Dave?
PW Yeah?
SD Is there a God?
[PW looks daggers at SD, then storms out pub to SD and MW's
amusement]
25. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is at home, standing in front of his mantlepiece]
PW All alone fer Chrristmas. Onleh thrree cards this year. Not
many frriends
left, now. An' what's left o' me fam'leh don't keep in touch,
realleh. It
were a diff'rrent storry years ago when Molly were... well, when
Molly were
r'ere. This were r'ouse rringing with laughter an' happiness.
Now it's just
me an' me memories. Still, Ah shall settle down in me
favourrite chair...
watch Her Majesteh on't telleh. 'ave a nice glass o' beer. an'
an individual
turkey meal. Ah might pull a crracker wi' meself later, an'...
pop an 'at on.
'ave a nut. Oh?
[the front doorbell rings. PW goes to answer it. a family mob
is outside]
Mob HEY, HEY, HEY!
MW YOU ALL RIGHT, ALF? HOW YA DOIN'?
Mob HEY, HEY, HEY!
MW ALL RIGHT, ALF? WE'VE COME TO STAY! INDEFINITELY!
Mob HURRAY!
[PW turns to camera, with a sour look on his face, to mouth
silently...]
PW Oh, bugger.
CH Is the telly on?
26. PROFESSOR DENZIL DEXTER
JT We wanted to establish if there was a link between sunspots and
the lack
of decent TV after two o'clock in the morning. Which is when
Dave and I
usually get through in the lab-or-a-tor-y. We therefore
compiled all the
available data on sunspots occurring since 1987. And correlated
this with
the TV schedules for the same period. Now, Dave has spent the
last week
working with this raw data. And I'm expecting him to come
through with
the results at any time. Dave?
[camera pans down to Dave, who is a chimpanzee, sat in a nest of
tractor
feed printer paper. a downcast JT turns back to camera]
JT The results - are disappointing.
Dave Yak-yak-yak-yak-yaaak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
27. WHAT DID I SAY, ROY?
CA ...I said to Roy, Christmas only comes once a year. I don't
know what the
Queen's gonna say in 'er speech this year. It's been a funny
old year for
the Queen, bless 'er. What did I say, Roy?
JT It's been a funny old year for the Queen, bless 'er.
CA I never know whether to 'ave the Christmas puddin' before or
after the
Queen's speech. I said to Roy...
[AW snaps. she slams down her knife and fork, before
shouting...]
AW WILL YOU BUTTON IT, YOU STUPID FAT COW!
[CA is taken aback for a minute, before threatening...]
CA You're dead, you, Roy.
28. COLIN HUNT
[the party is still going on. "Careless Whisper" is playing.
we see a couple
smooching together, her hands behind his back. pan left to
CH who also
has hands behind his back. only he's pretending to smooch by
himself]
CH Doreen! Doreen! Shall I do my trick, now?
AW Oh- er- no, Colin. Erm, I think you'll probably regret it
tomorrow, when you
come to work. You know, you're so funny anyway - you don't need
to do
that sort of thing.
CH I mean - yeah, yeah, yeah - but you see, the thing is, all the
lights will be
off. Nobody will know it's me.
AW Erm, Colin, who else here's likely to take all their clothes off
and... colour in
their... private parts with fluorescent marker and dance on the
table.
CH Huh! Huh! Huh! Maybe you're right. I am the maddest person
here. The
bells! The bells! They're driving me cra-zy! Huh!
AW Oh, you do make me laugh!
CH Huh! Here, watch this: Make 'em laugh! Make 'em laugh! Do-
do-do-do!
[CH runs towards a wall. he doesn't stop and ploughs right into
it. he
falls flat on his arse, and whistles "Tweety Birds" going
round his head]
29. STUPID TEENAGER
[CA is standing in a betting shop]
CA ...he dun't 'alf fart around when he puts bets on. But this
Christmas,
right, it's gonna be realleh diff'rent, cos I've gone vegetarian
now. I mean,
I know I 'ad a sausage roll yesterday, but - it's not realleh
meat, is it?
Y'know? I mean, there's no animal called a "sausage". If there
was, I
wun't eat it. But every year, right, me dad gets realleh drunk,
right, on
Christmas day, an' he calls me nana a gobshite. An' then on
Boxin' day,
we go t' me nana's, an' she get's realleh drunk, an' calls me
dad a
gobshite. So, it evens out, realleh. Y'know. Oh, me dad,
right, he always
farts durin' the Queen's speech, right, but one year - he
followed through!
It wasn't realleh Christmassy, realleh. But me dad said to me,
"oh, our
Jeanine, what d'you want for Christmas?" An' straight away I
said, "Liam
Gallagher from Oasis." But I think he's just got me a Boots
voucher.
30. THE OFF-ROADERS
[CH and PW are sat, helmetted up, waiting at the start line in a
rally car.
CH is the driver, PW is the navigator]
PW I think Tony Blair's good!
CH He's a pillock, Lindsay. Right, come on - let's do this.
PW Today... is a helmet day.
CH A helmet day indeed! Cos this is the pinnacle, the ultimate...
PW The bollocks.
CH The creme de la creme...
PW The dog's bollocks.
CH Yeah, all right, Lindsay - that's enough bollocks.
PW The creme de la bollocks!
CH All right, Lindsay. This is the zenith of any man's driving
career: rally cross.
PW Rally cross.
CH Rally cross, indeed. The meanest, the dirtiest, the fastest...
PW Bollocks!
CH Shut up! Right - we're waiting for the signal to start. And I
can tell you,
my heart... is in my mouth!
PW Yeah, but so where are your bollocks, then?
CH LEAVE MY BOLLOCKS OUT OF THIS, LINDSAY, AND JUST READ THE...
[just then, the engine revs loudly, masking CH mouthing
"FUCKING"]
CH ...MAP!
PW RIGHT!
CH LET'S GO!
PW IT'S GRIPPED!
CH SORTED!
PW GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! STRAIGHT AHEAD, SI! LISTEN TO ME!
THROW IT INTO SECOND! GOOD! GO! UP THROUGH THE BANK! NOW,
RIGHT-RIGHT-RIGHT-RIGHT-RIGHT-RIGHT-RIGHT!
CH J-E-S-U-S!
[BANG! they come to an abrupt stop. they sit there in silence
for a few
seconds, before PW turns his map around 180 degrees...]
PW Sorry... left.
31. PATRICK NICE
MW ...and then, I looked at the formula again, and I noticed that
I'd put a
decimal point in the wrong place. So - I corrected it, and
realised that I
really had found a cure for cancer. Which was nice.
32. WHAT DID I SAY, ROY?
[CA, JT and AW are now sat in complete silence around the dinner
table.
this goes on for a while, before JT picks up a cracker and
offers it to CA]
CA Not now, Roy.
33. COLIN HUNT
[back at the Christmas party, the lights have just gone off...]
Crowd Awww!
PW Burke, put the lights on!
[a flourescent orange sausage shape thing waves about the room,
at about
waist height...]
AW Erm, Colin...
34. JESSE'S DIETS
[a somewhat wasted MW appears out of his cabin, before
shouting...]
MW THIS WEEK, I ARE BEEN MOSTLY EATIN'... PROZAC!
35. THE PUPPET SHOW / ANYONE FANCY A PINT?
[the curtain raises on the booth to reveal two puppets...]
P1 What's today's letter, Miss Alibante?
P2 Today's letter is "C", Dermot the Dog.
P1 Ooh. But what- and "C" stands for COLANDER!
P2 But what's a colander?
P1 Well, we use a colander to sieve rice, after it's been cooked.
Both "This is how we sieve the rice, sieve the rice, sieve the rice,
a colander
is very nice to sieve my boiled rice, this is how we..."
[a scrawny puppet pops up looking like PW, complete with a crew
cut!]
P3 Anyone fancy a pint?
36. THE NEWLY-WEDS
MW Well, you tell me where you want it. I can't see.
EM I want it right in the middle there, darling. So that when you
open the
door, the first thing you see is the mistletoe!
MW How's that?
EM That's perfect. Oooh! Mmm-wah!
MW Right. Let's have a look at it.
[their front door opens. CH and wife crawl in on all fours,
naked and
grunting. CH is mounting his good lady wife, doggy style.]
CH Season's greetings!
F1 Happy New Year!
37. ROLLIE BIRKIN, QC
PW ...BANG! Bang up the arse!... Now, did I ever tell you about
what happened
in the year nineteen hundred and fifty faah...I remember quite
vividly now...
I said, "come here" and she was the saddest woman, and the
tallest woman
I've ever met. I remember quite vividly...but her husband had
been
entombed in ice. Like this...
[PW holds hands up like claws and opens his mouth widely]
PW Oh, I remember quite vividly that I was...people came running
out...we'd
been cut off by a terrific snowstorm, yes...myself,
actually...extremely
cold...and we were plunged into total darkness...she was over
there, like
that...I was over there, he was there, like that...and we heard
what
sounded like a child's voice, like this "Mama! Mama! Mama!
Mama! Mama!
Mama!"...closer and closer it came...until finally in the
end...she arched her
back and scuttled across the room like a giant spider...she
opened her
mouth to spit, and I cried "Aheurgh!"
[waiter MW appears, carrying a gin on a silver platter. PW
gulps it down]
PW Oh! Aaaah! Eurgh! Actually, another one of those.
[MW mutters incomprehensbily to PW]
PW Bugger orf!
[MW slouches off]
PW ...it may have been a ghost. I don't know, really...you see,
I'm afraid I
was very, very drunk.
38. THE INSECURE (FRENCH) WOMAN
AW Est-ce-que mon cul a les ?? en ce? {Does my bum look big in
this?}
[pause]
CH Non. {...No}
39. CHANEL 9 - "HOLY SPROG"
MM Maintenato loco Chanel Nine! Numa Xmas Speciale. Gunta ton
natividad.
Aurora monster truck ton "Holy Sprog - Christi, Son of God". Ne
Bethlehem,
sminki pinki manger. Un stori unique rock disco opera.
[cut to AW as Trudi, singing...]
AW "Oh, pauvre Maria madonna, boutros boutra ton bay-byyyyy, burno
fulu
bu ton touristohhhh, s'up the spout mondeo-ohhhhhhhs!"
[cut to CA and JT as Mary and Joseph outside a stable]
CA Oh! Scorchio! Oh, juss for a breath! Mia knack-aired!
JT Oh, droppo taxation bastardo! Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Hethethetheth-
eth-hethethethetheth-Bethethethethethlehem.
CA Oh, Joseppos... tenato mia achy breaky back!
JT Reclimato op ton manger, mia pussi-catta! Pusho!
CA Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Blimeh!
[CA holds up the doll she's just given "birth" to]
Chorus Hallelujah!
[cut to shepherds, counting their flocks by night]
MW Sheep. Sheep. Sheep. Sheep. Sheep. Sheep. Sheep. Sheep.
SD Sheep-sheep-sheep. Sheep-sheep-sheep. Crocodeel.
MW Crocodeel?
SD No - mio joko! Ha-ha-har!
MW Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoh!
SD Sheep. Sheep. Sheep. Sheep.
MW Sheep. Sheep-sheep-sheep-sheep-sheep. Sheep. Sheep.
Archangel
Gabriel.
SD Tu joko?
MW Ne. Archangel Gabriel.
[CH appears from on "high" - well, a wire anyway - in Micki
Disco guise]
CH Bono estente! Oh, moo sheppers! Regarda constella! Tete-a-
tete
Chrissi Waddle! Sheee! Shooo!
MW Por que?
SD Por qui?
MW Por que?
[that's the cue for CH to burst into song...]
CH "Mia jang disco tella ES ton ma sallo ES es es saviour OO miski
patri ES
lordy lordy en... Mucho fabriacato Jaysus, Jaysus, Jaysus!
Mucho
fabricato Jaysus, Jaysus, Jaysus! Ton "HOLY SPROGGGG!"
Choir TON "HOLY SPROG!"
[cut back to stable with JT, CA and three wise men PS, SD and
PW]
JT Bono estente. Tricenatops, roight?
PS Bono estente, Joseppos. Alosaurus.
JT Ah! Ne - stegosaurus, eh?
SD Mio gifto... gold!
JT/CA Ohhhh!
PS Mia gifta... frankisensa!
JT/CA Ohhhh!
PW Mio gifta... Neuva! Yuletide Cheezy Peaz! Combinazione ton
CHEESE y
PEAS! Speciale! Cognac butter! Hoop-la! Yuletide CHEEZY
PEAZ!
[PW switches into strong American accent, looking straight at
camera]
PW Fit for the son of God.
All He is the son of God!
[cut back to CH and AW doing a duet...]
CH "Hava me cava me Holy Sprog!"
AW "Can eh por traize be Son of Goddddd!"
CH "Oh mio dio dis canel!"
AW "Aurora Xmas jingle bellllls!"
CH "Ho na ho ley!"
AW "Mu la mu leyyyyy!"
Both "Stranger in a manger! Stranger in a manger! Saviour in a
manger!"
PW "Crazy nights!"
Both "Saviour in a manger!"
PW "Lazy days!"
Both "Stranger in a manger!"
PW "Crazy nights!"
Both "Stranger in a manger!"
PW "Lazy days!"
[usual end-of-sketch-get-out of "interference" takes over...]
40. BRILLIANT KID
[we see a view from the top of a hill in the English
countryside. PW comes
running up the hill towards camera, arms wide, shouting...]
PW MY DAD? HE MADE ALL THIS! BRILLIANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
41. DODGY GEEZER
[int. living room, Christmas Eve, Bing Crosby warbling in the
background...]
BC "...chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at
your..."
[the serenity is suddenly broken as, we hear a "Crash-tinkle-
smash!". our
friend, the dodgy geezer, has broken his way in to do the
place over.
a little girl, G1, wanders in from upstairs, startling PW]
PW 'allo, darlin'! What you doin' down 'ere, eh? You cheeky
little monkey! I
know why you've come down 'ere - you've come down 'ere to 'ave a
sneaky
look at your presents - ain't ya, eh? Those lovely presents
that your mum
an'... that Father Christmas has brought you.
[PW turns aside to camera to whisper...]
PW (I nearly spoilt the magic o' Christmas for 'er, didn't I?)
[PW turns back to G1]
PW Well I tell ya what, my darlin', you 'ave a good long look at
those presents.
Because, they won't be there in the mornin'. You all right?
Cos I'm gonna
nick 'em. I'll nick anything, I will. Yeah. I'm a little bit
whoo a little bit
whee a little bit swish-swish-swish! Know what I mean? I'm
dodgy. I'm a
geezer. Right? So, you just stand there, right, an' you be
nice an' quiet,
an' your Uncle Chri-
[PW catches his gaff just in time]
PW Your Uncle Dave... will clean this place out. All right,
darlin'?
G1 Happy Christmas!
[this catches PW unawares. he hangs his head, and admits to
camera...]
PW (I can't do it. It's Christmas, innit?)
[PW turns back to G1]
PW 'appy Christmas, darlin'.
[pause]
PW 'ere - look! Look out there - it's snowin'! Come on, look!
[PW and G1 look out the window. carol singers are singing
"Silent Night".
PW turns his head to camera to give a sickly smile, before
wishing a
"sincere"...]
PW Happy Christmas, everyone. Wherever you are.
[another sickly grin, before PW turns back to the carol singers]
[END CREDITS]
[eof 2#6]
--
Bon Scott