Script for "You Ain't Seen These, Right?" (Plain Text)

[Bon Scott]

THE FAST SHOW - YOU AIN'T SEEN THESE, RIGHT?

The players:

AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players

1. KENNY VALENTINE [INTRO CREDITS]

PW "Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling,
let me go!"

2. ED WINCHESTER

EW Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.

3. THE FAT SWEATY COPPERS

JT Police ??base??
AW Where the bloody hell have you been? I called hours ago!
JT Well, we came as quick as we could. We, er, had to stop off for
a curry
on the way.
RD And a Chinese.
JT And a Chinese.
RD Yeah, and we couldn't pass MacDonalds without dropping in for
one, could
we, darlin'?
AW Oh. Meanwhile, whoever burgled my house could be miles away!
[pause]
RD Uh.
JT Could we ask you some, er, routine questions?
AW Right.
JT Have you got anything to eat? I'm starving.
RD Yeah, d'you mind if I run up and down stairs a few times? Only,
my
armpits are in danger of drying out.
[back at the factory, JT is on the phone...]
JT Hello? Shirley? Could you tape Food and Drink for me?
[pause]
M1 I'm popping out to the shops, sarge. D'you want a roll, or
summink?
JT Oh, no - it's only an hour until me lunch. I'll be all right.
M1 All right.
JT Oh - I'd best 'ave somethin' to be goin' on with.
M1 What d'you want then?
JT Can you get us a double cheeseburger and chips?
[pause]
JT You'd best make that double chips. And, er, a ham roll. And a
jam
doughnut. And a Mars bar. And a can of Fanta. And a large
coffee - two
sugars. And a lucozade - light. Oh, and - anything you can
think of,
really.
RD And the same for me lad. Twice.
M2 Yeah, I'll have the same an' all, all right?
AW Yeah, an' bake bine a gawnish bastie.
[AW is talking with mouth full]
RD And a currie.
JT Ooh! I'll 'ave currie, an' all.

4. THE INVISIBLE MAN

MW You ain't seen me, right?

5. GROUP THERAPY / ANYONE FANCY A PINT?

AW And I was twelve when I discovered I was adopted, and my real
parents
hadn't wanted me, apparently. Erm, it's, it's pretty hard
dealing with
those feelings of rejection when you're that young. And then,
when I was
fifteen, my adopted parents abandoned me as well. And, since
then, I've
really felt pretty alone. And... now Robin says he wants to
leave me, too.
You know, I just don't know what to do. Everything's falling
apart.
Everything is...
PW Anyone fancy a pint?
[pause]
PW Only, I'm gaspin'!
M1 All right.

6. RON MANAGER

SD Well, Ron Manager, once again, the pace and tempo of that first
half.
Totally dictated by the Boy Wonder, Ryan Giggs.
PW Cuh! Ryan Giggs, you know. Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-
wiggsy?
Mmm? Uh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy. Isn't it? You know,
marvellous.
MW Is he the new George Best?
PW Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? Uh-ho. You know. But
Giggsy-
wiggsy. Precocious talent, isn't he? Ooh, got it all. You
know, speed,
acceleration, sweet left foot. All the tricks - you know, the
dummy,
haw, the shoulder, haw, the shimmy, the nutmeg, jiggery pokery,
er,
hocus pocus, abracadbra - I wanna reach out and grab ya. Steve
Miller
Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.
SD Thank you, Ron. Now - Tommy - it's interesting to see the
diamond
formation being used again.
PW Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I-I
mean at
least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey and his wingless
wonders. You know, four-four-two, four-two-four, four-three-
three,
oh-eight-nine-eight-six-five-four-thousand? Freephone double
glazing?
SD Well, you've lost me there, Ron. I'm not sure I know that
particular
formation. But Tommy, do we need a structured game? Just look
at the
Brazilians.
PW Oh, those Brazilians. You know - circa 1970? Broke the mould,
didn't
they? Theory out the window. Free expression of football.
Uncategorisable. Is that a word? It is now! But, you know,
far cry from
small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, ??rush goalie??,
two at the
back, three in the middle, four at the front, one's gone home
for his tea?
Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that. Marvellous.

7. THE PATAGONIANS

["Playing" their instruments.]

8. UNLUCKY ALF

PW Me new grreenhouse. That should keep me toms nice an' warm.
Though
knowin' my luck, them kids'll 'ave me glass brroke with their
bloomin'
crricket ball.
[whack!]
PW Oh, no - me new grreenhouse!
[ball lands on his head]
PW Ouch!
K1 Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?
PW Oh, all rright. Mind yerr 'eads!
[PW promptly hurls it a whole 2ft in front of him and shatters a
pane]
PW Ohh, bugger!

9. THE UNPRONOUNCABLES

SD Yeah?
JT Afternoon, sir.
SD Glad ya could make it. Now, you two guys'll be workin' together
on this
one. Johnny, I want you to meet Officer DeBerzin-, DeBerznik-,
Officer
DeBroo-, DeBirk-, DeBuk-, DeBarskity-... this guy.
CH Howdy.
VO "The Unpronouncables!"
SD ??DeBroktoni?? - I want you to meet my right hand man. This is
Johnny
Gwalskio-, Johnny Walksi-...
CH It's, er, W-w-wehowaz-, w-w-wejay-, w-jeywuz-...
SD Johnny Wal-, Wirl-, Wirrilwiz-... wait, I got an idea - lemme
call my
secretary. Miss Chencho-, Miss Cho-, Miss Cheche-, Chung-Chek-,
AW What is it, Lieutenant McCork-, McCofa-...
SD Ah, forget it.
[pause]
SD Here's to your future in crime-busting, boys!
JT It's an honour to be working with ya, and a great privilege to
be working
for the fffbee.
SD The fffbee?
JT The ffuh-, ffeh-, ffih-...
SD How d'you spell that?
CH FEE-BEE.
C&J EFF-BEE-EYE.
[pause]
SD Doesn't sound right to me.

10. BRILLIANT KID

PW You know RONNIE CORBETT? He's BRILLIANT! But he's not really
small.
He's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit
on the
telly. An' they did it with trick photography - which is
brilliant. Only,
they don't call it that no more - they call it special effects.
And they're
brilliant. Like in Terminator 2. Have you SEEN it? It's about
this bloke
who can turn into a puddle an' back again. Fantastic! Aren't
sequels
brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a
diff'rent number,
like, two or three. Even bad films are great, aren't they? Cos
as least
they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant. In fact,
everything will
be brilliant in the future - with cars on monorails, an'
brilliant silvery
costumes, an' food in pills, an' probably some special kind of
futury can-
opener. Fantastic! An' everything will be done by computers.
Aren't
computers BRILLANT? They can do ANYTHING! Except play
football.
A computer wouldn't be no good in goal! But they can do
everything
else, virtually. In't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly
like reality, only
you wear an 'at! I tried it with me brother's crash helmet the
other day,
an' I fell downstairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?

11. ED WINCHESTER

EW Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.

12. THE BRIDGE PAINTERS

SD Oi! Mate o' mine, right, he always fancied goin' to Australia.
An finally
last year, he went out there - I think he 'ad family out there
(did he have
family out there? It don't matter anyway) - he's gone out
there, an'
while he's out there, he's fancied doin' 'imself the old David
Attenborough
run. Y'know what I mean? Straight across the desert? So what
he's
done, he's bought one o' those dirty great big landcruisers.
Y'know the
type I mean? Six wheels on it, an' radar an' all 'at, an' roof
racks. An',
er, he's stocked up with food, an' he's bought a lovely little
fridge, an'
he's filled it up with cold beer, an' off he's gone. A day into
the desert,
woss 'appened? The fridge 'as broken down, innit. All 'is
beer's gettin'
warm. Nightmare! Woss he gonna do? Anyway, by the side o' the
road
there, he sees this Aussie fellah. Y'know the type -
bushwhacker type,
cork 'round 'is 'at an' all 'at. An' he's talkin' to the
Aussie, an' he tells 'im
what's 'appened. Now, Australians - beer to them, it's like
religion, innit?
An' this Aussie's gone - I can't do the accent - he's gone, "I
tell ya, man,
I can make your beer cold, man, yeah man, I can make your beer
nice
and cold all over again, man". So, he's dug a hole, 'bout a
foot deep, like
'at, an' he's got one o' the warm tins o' beer, an' he's put it
in the hole.
An' then he's covered it up with sand. An' my mates finkin',
"What the
bloody 'ell's this man doin'?" Y'know what I'm sayin'? An'
then, he's put
petrol all over the top o' the hole. No - I tell you a lie,
there. He's put
water on it first, then he's put petrol on it. Stand back, he's
gone.
Match. WHOOF! Like 'at. Anyway, flames'a died down, he's dug
down
there, he's took out the tin o' beer, he's gone to my mate,
"Feel that".
An' was it cold? Was it fuc...

13. CHANEL 9

SD Republicca presente... totalla bien cantesta... C-h-a-n-e-l N-i-
n-e!
[gong!]
PS Bono estente.
PW Bono estente.
PS Scopolos e cula cala mia cantastos para cela folan dula puss,
John Major.
[pause]
PW Ante ke greta estoy yanto zento hethethethetheth, me,
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethetheth, sausage factory.
PS Me, stuto campos e porthe, Chris Waddle. Ithe teros mathe toros
poco
poco e fandalos Jean Pierre ??Patman.?? Filan dalo anta
coropos
glasnian mia chyse dance spectacular.
PW Hethethethetheth, hethethethethethethethethethethetheth,
iscandente
para takalos toco tocopolos miste dento. Y copolo tax nine and
a half
percent. Me tela a mia mantaros se a ta baros. Butros, butros
gali.
PS Butros, butros gali.
[pause]
CH Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico - te "Kitsun Gizmo".
Novello
proboscismo toh molto kinagraphos. Tefaselos action-pumpo. Zo,
nea shopping, nea collo, te "Kutsun Gizmo". "Ow-Kitsun-Gizmo!"
[pop!]
[pause]
CH Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico - te "Gardun Gizmo". Vo,
tidiaka
mit fon shoni veronico. Tefaselos action-pumpo. Zo, nea
shopping,
nea collo, te "Gardun Gizmo". "Ow-Gardun-Giizmo!" [pop!]
[pause]
PW Neh keteros foso tippia fitros weekend meteorologicos mit Paula.
CA Hello! Classiya costa para dos meterology a Valley Portos...
scorchio! In
lea por notra anterior... scorchio! E nu como a ta exterior...
scorchio!
Manto Blanco... scorchio! Coasta... scorchio!
Metorologicos manyana...
Oh - scorchio!
PS Mmm - scorchio!
PW Brrrr-rrrr! [PW mimes being cold]
PS Nepe sputri ne partri copi pussi.
PW Me ketra o bartra ve tekula pussi. Mi oscola? Sminki-pinki-
pussi!
Me lala tutan carlos pussi. Methethethetheth,
hethethethethetheth,
methethethetheth, pussi. Y fanderos, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
PS Pussi!
PW Resident's parking.
PS Butros, butros gali.
PW Butros, butros gali.

14. THE INVISIBLE MAN

MW You ain't seen me, right?

15. TED AND RALPH

CH Morning, Ted.
PW Mornin', sor.
CH Quite a windy day. I see your, er... fixing the fence.
PW Well, sor, a couple o' sheep got out.
CH Sheep. Yes. Any problem with any of the other, er, sheep? Or
anything?
PW Well, there's the usual problem with the drainage in the lower
field, sor.
CH Lower field. Drainage. Mmm.
PW Oi'll take a look at it this afternoon, sor.
CH Oh, if you could, Ted. Yes, thank you.
[pause]
CH Ted?
PW Sor?
CH Are you... interested in... in French cinema at all, Ted?
[pause]
PW Oi wouldn't know about that, sor.
CH No. No, no, no. Indeed, no. No. It's just they're showing a
rather good
- ahem! - Gerard Depardieu film in town, and I...
[pause]
PW Right, sor.
CH It's ??Mellon Des Sauce?? But, erm... good Lord, yes - I've got
to get
over to, er, Winslow, Ted. Erm... pick up some, some shoes, so,
er...
Yes, well, goodbye, Ted.
PW Goodbye, sor.
[pause]
PW (Shoes?)

16. PROFESSOR DENZIL DEXTER

JT We took four cardboard toobs - the kind of toob you'd find in a
regular
brand of household toilet tissue - and then proceeded to place
them on
the floor, making four columns equidistantly, thus. We wanted
to test
if these cardboard toobs would support the average body weight
of a
human man.
[pause as he stands on, and crushes, the "toobs"]
JT No.

17. SUITS YOU, SIR

PW Good morning, sir. How are we today, sir?
PS Fine. You?
PW Radiant, sir. Radiant.
[pause]
PW Oh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir?
PS Yes. Yes, it's nice, yes.
PW Suits you, sir. Suit like that. Ooh! D'you want one off the
peg, sir?
Or d'you want one made up?
PS Well, I'm looking for something a bit smart - I'm starting a new
job.
PW Ooh! Congratulations, sir. Will you be having your own
secretary, sir?
PS Yes! Yes, I think so.
PW Will you be giving it to her, sir?
PS Sorry?
PW Your secretary, sir. Will you be giving it to her, sir?
PS I-I'm not sure I understand.
PW Would you like to try a different colour, sir? We have some
excellent
blue serge.
PS Yes, a blue - or, or a grey.
PW Ooh, suits you, sir. Ooh! The ladies like a man in a suit,
don't they, sir?
Were you out with a lady last night, sir?
PS Yes, I was as a matter of fact.
PW Did she want it, sir?
PS I beg your pardon?
PW The lady you were out with last night, sir - did she want it,
sir? Ooh!
Suits you, sir! Ooh!
[PS makes a move to leave...]
PW A-a-ah - arms! Sorry, sir - didn't mean a thing. Just trying
to make
conversation. Won't say another word.
[a very short pause, then...]
PW This l-a-d-y you were out with last night, sir.
PS Y-e-s?
PW Known her long?
PS Yes, about four years. She's my fiance.
MW Does she want it, sir?
PS You WHAT?
MW Your fiance, sir. Does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl,
sir? Doe-eyed,
sir?
PW Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by
the hounds?
Ooh!
MW Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
PS Goodbye!
PW Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir? Like this - Aah!
MW Suit you, sir!
PW Suits you, sir!

18. THE PATAGONIANS

["playing" their instruments]

19. STUPID GIRL

CA I really love Lisa Stansfield, right? She's so amazin'. She's
only from
Rochdale - which is near where I live, right? - but, she's known
in
America, an' the United States. All over the show. Y'know, an'
that
song that she done, oh, the lyrics are so amazin', right? "I
may not be a
lady, but I'm all woman." An' at first, y'know, you don't get
it. You
think, how can you be a lady and not be a woman? Y'know. But,
what
Lisa's sayin' is, you may not be a lady, but you can be all
woman.
Y'know. It's really clever, the lyrics - you 'ave to really
think about it.
An' you know, she's done another amazin' one, "I've been around
the
world, but I-I-I I can't find my baby." Right? At first, you
think "Oh,
she's lost her baby!" But "baby" dun't mean baby - it's
American. For
"boyfriend". She's so international. An' y'know what's really
wierd,
right? She din't do that well at school - at qualifications -
an' it dun't
look like I will, either.

20. ED WINCHESTER

EW Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.

21. [UNKNOWN VISUAL GAG]

22. TOMMY COCKLES / ARTHUR ATKINSON

SD Hello, there. We're now going to see a piece of film featuring
Arthur
Atkinson, who was one of the great war-time comics, and
dominated the
comedy scene up and down the country. He appeared on his great
radio
show, "Hot and cold all over". And he really was the pick of
the crop of
comics in those days. And there was some fantastic competition
- you've
only got to think back. There was, er, Billy Onions - and his
great catch
phrase, "Here's my wife, here's my life". He was very good.
Er, Ron
Smike, and, er, he wasn't a good looking lad, but he had a
wonderful
in-step. Erm, there were a duo that were called Benson and
Hedges.
Lambert and Butler. Erm, Coch 'n' Eel - the controversial new
spoon-
players from Czechoslovakia. They were a bit near the mark, but
very
good. And we laughed. Anyway, here he is. Arthur Atkinson.
[cut]
PW ?? everyone ?? that's right ?? burn yer oiks ?? E-he-he-he!
EH? 'ave
you seen it? EH? 'ave YOU seen it? EH? 'ave YOU seen it?
EH?
Where's me washboard, then? I dunno, madam - 'ave you got 'em,
eh?
Are you sittin' on 'em, madam? E-he-he-he! I've seen ya goin'
'round
with a cucumber. I don't know what you're laughin' at, sir,
heh! I've
seen ya turn right round and go upside down like a ?? pickled
banana-
na?? He-he-he! Only jokin', sir. Fine pair o' shoulders.
Shoulders, I
say! Shoulders! EH? Where's me washboard? E-he-he-he-he-he!
EH?
Where's me washboard? Eh, I'm bloomered if I know! 'ow queer!
'ow
queer! 'ow queer! Ooh, I've gawn deaf! E-he-he-he! Yes!
Yeah - now
'eres a good un, eh? I've seen yer wrappin' presents when it's
nobody's
birthday! E-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! I said, I've seen yer
wrappin'
presents when it's nobody's BIRTHDAY! He-he-he-he! That's it
for me,
folks. Ta-ra!
[clapping ensues, and PW can't resist an encore...]
PW Oh, all right, then - 'ere's another one: I've seen yer
wrappin' PRESENTS
when it's NOBODY'S BIRTHDAY! ?? You've been a nice audience,
Gawd
save the cat??

23. TED AND RALPH

CH HELLO, TED!
PW Hello, sor.
CH COLD, THIS MORNING!
PW Ah, well oi've never felt the cold meself, sor.
CH Ralph.
PW I'm sorry, sor.
CH Ralph.
PW Sor?
[pause]
CH Ralph - it's my name. Ralph.
PW Ah, right, sor.
[pause]
CH Yes, well... never mind, Ted. Erm... I'd better get my skates
on. Erm,
time heeds where the devil... broom, broom and all that. So,
er... well...
well, goodbye, Ted.
PW Goodbye, sor.
[pause, then PW practises...]
PW Ralph.
[another pause, but PW still can't get used to it...]
PW Ralph.

24. WHAT DID I SAY, ROY?

CA Oh, we've been to Stratford-on-Avon. We went to see
Shakespeare's
old house. I said to the guide, "It's a bit pokey!" What did I
say to the
guide, Roy?
JT It's a bit pokey.
CA I mean, they kept it very olde-worlde. They've not modernised
it at all,
y'know. I mean, it's still very Shakespearean. You can buy
'is, er, story
books on the way out. I said to Roy, I said, "the prices aren't
old
fashioned, are they?" What did I say, Roy?
JT The prices aren't old fashioned.
CA Oh, we did laugh. I mean, we're not big fans o' Shakespeare,
meself an'
Roy - we like Jasper Carrott. Y'know, we went seein' 'im last
year at
Davenport. Oh, he 'ad everyone roarin' wi' laughin'. I said,
"I think I'm
gonna pee me pants!" What did I say, Roy?
JT I think I'm gonna pee me pants.
CA We went seein' Ken Dodd the year before that. Oh, we're big
fans of
Doddy, meself an' Roy. Four an' a 'alf 'ours he did. How long
did he do,
Roy?
JT Four an' 'alf 'ours.
CA Oh, y'know, we 'ad chicken in a basket, the lot. I said, "we've
'ad a
smashin' night." What did I say, Roy?
JT We've 'ad a smashin' night, an' thoroughly enjoyed it.
[smack!]
CA I didn't say, "thoroughly enjoyed it", Roy.

25. THE OFF-ROADERS

CH Yeah, never mind the scenery, Baz. Point that thing over here,
will you?
[pause]
PW Hey, Baz - action!
[pause]
CH Right, day one of The Expedition - as it shall henceforth be
known.
Simon and Lindsay here, making a record of - lose the glasses,
Lindsay,
they make you look stupid - making a record of the events to
show the
chaps at AGM Association of Off-Roaders. This is The Beast!
PW We are The Beasties!
[pause as CH hangs his head]
CH She's all fired up and ready to rock! So, without further ado -
let's go
for it!
PW Gripped!
CH Sorted! Let's off-road!
PW Baz! Baz! Better swing 'round really quick on this - we're
going for
sonic boom!
[doors slam]
PW Let's off-road!
[furious cranking ensues, to no avail]

26. I'LL GET ME COAT

M1 For me, Family Fortunes is the most potent indicator of the
rampant level
of stupidity in this country.
PS Mm.
MM Only it's not just the answers the contestants give, it's the
answers in
the survey which are so depressing.
PS Yeah, I mean the great British public's mental horizons are so
narrow.
M1 Well, they have no imagination, you see.
PS No. The impressionists? It's like, the standard impersonation
which
everyone does.
MM Frankie Howerd?
M1 Michael Caine?
PS Oh - Frank Spencer! Ha-ha-ha!
MW Frank Spencer? I can do an impression of Frank Spencer: Oooooh,
Betty! Woooooh! Oooooh, Betty!
[pause, as others all look at him, MW perseveres...]
MW Ooooooooo- I'll get me coat.

27. THE OFF-ROADERS

[furious cranking continues]
CH BAZ, WILL YOU STOP NOW, PLEASE?

28. THE PATAGONIANS

["playing" their instruments]

29. UNLUCKY ALF

JT GOOD MORNIN', UNLUCKY ALF!
PW Mornin'. Though ah doubt there's owt good about it.
[pause]
PW See that - down thier? They're diggin' a rruddy grreat 'ole at
end o'
rroad. Knowin' my luck, ah'll prob'ly fall down that.
[lengthy silence, as he makes his way slowly up the road -
everything
looks OK until a sudden gust of wind shoots up and... guess
what?
Yep, he falls in t' rruddy grreat 'ole as predicted. Prescient
vision, eh?]

[END CREDITS]

30. VOICE-OVER

JT Don't miss on next week's show... "The Nice Skinhead."

31. THE NICE SKINHEAD

[PW enters pub, looking well 'ard]
PW Hey - let's all go on holiday! Come on! I'll pay! No? Aww.
Oh, all right,
then - let's play! I've got a sand-pit! Oh, looby-loo - let's
play!

32. VOICE-OVER

JT Also next week, HE'S back by popular demand - after an absence
of
nearly TWENTY years - yes, it's the comedy vicar.

33. THE COMEDY VICAR

JT Hellooo, Mrs Faversham! Thank you for the generous donation for
this
year's Harvest Festival. I can't wait to get my hands on your
juicy ripe
melons. And as for you, Mr Ramsbottom, I can't wait to get my
teeth
into your prize winning meaty savaloy. God bless!

34. LEVEL 42

[doing their funky base thumbing thang, when...]
PW OI! OI - YOU LOT! OI! OI! OI! OI! OI! OI! Can you turn
it down a
bit, please mate?
Mark It doesn't sound the same if we turn it down!
PW Well, just stop then, will ya? Please? Stop!

[eof "You Ain't Seen These, Right?"]
--
Bon Scott