Script for Series 2, Episode 3 (Plain Text)

[Bon Scott]

THE FAST SHOW - SECOND SERIES (1995), #3

The players:

AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players

1. THE OFF-ROADERS

CH Right! Day five: paintball. We're here for fun, and
camaraderie. The
type of people you meet in the paintzone are the best. We've
gotten a
lot of new buddies since we started balling...
PW "Gotten"?
[slight pause as CH hangs his head]
CH Now, although paintball is not real war...
PW "Buddies"?
[slight pause as CH hangs his head again]
CH Although balling is not real war, it is...
PW "I've gotten the gun, let's go shoot some buddies!" Ha-ha-ha!
[CH shoots him in the leg]
PW Aargh!
CH Although paintball is not real war, it is important to take it
seriously. You
have to have the correct equipment. We always wear the
goggles...
[CH removes his goggles - PW squeezes one off accidentally into
CH's eye]
CH AAAARGH!
PW S-sorry, Si!

[INTRO CREDITS]

2. UNLUCKY ALF

PW It's my stop comin' up, next. Last wun beforrt' depot. Ah've
rrungt' bell,
but knowin' my luck the drriver probl'y won't stop an' he'll
take me rright t'
end o' line. So, I decided not t' rrisk it. Ah'm goin' terr
'op off now whilet'
bus 'as slowed down. Good idea, r'in't it?
[PW promptly jumps off bus. it was moving a little faster than
he thought,
and it takes him a while to slow down. unfortunately, he
can't avoid the
last bollard and his smacks his crotch right into the top of
it(!)]
PW Oooof!
[a well-meaning MW has seen PW running - he comes to PW's
"assistance"]
MW You all right, old fellah? D'you want this bus? Come on!
There y'are.
All right?
[MW ushers a still-recovering PW to get on said bus. which had
stopped
just three feet away from where PW finished up. as the bus
pulls away,
we see a crestfallen PW manage to mouth silently to
camera...]
PW Oh, bugger!

3. JESUS FREAKS

CH ...and the eyes were - sort of - deep set, you say?
AW Yes, and er, he had short blond hair.
CH Mm-hm.
PW Right. And steel-rimmed glasses you say, madam?
AW Yeah, that's right.
CH Mm. So... did he look something like this?
[pause as CH reveals his sketch - it's a long-haired bearded
face]
AW That looks nothing like the man who attacked me.
CH No. It's Jesus.
PW He's our saviour, madam.

4. THE NEWLY-WEDS

MW Our son's going off on his first camping expedition, and we'd
like to get him
a tent - to surprise him.
JT Mm-hm.
MW So- and we've heard these are- these are- these are-
JT What, the Bell-Tent, here?
MW Yes.
JT Very popular. An' you'll be glad to know, it's in the sale.
MW Oh?
JT It's very spacious.
MW Does it have a, erm, a, erm... ground sheet?
JT Yeah, sewn in. Sewn into it, yeah.
MW Oh, right.
JT Yeah, very spacious. As you can see - look.
[JT unfastens tent zip. CH and wife are inside in the
missionary position]
CH Hello, there!
F1 Small world! Ooh! Aah!
CH Nice to see you again!

5. PATRICK NICE

MW ...and the same six numbers came up for us again the following
week. So
that was another three million pounds. Which was nice.

6. INDECISIVE DAVE

PW I tell ya what - crime's got out o' control, ain' it, eh? What
we need 'round
'ere's a bit o' that Islamic justice, ain' it? Y'know what I
mean? You step
out o' line there, they'll chop yer 'and off - wollop!
MW What, and maim someone fer nickin' sweets or somefing? Talk
silly, Dave.
[slight pause]
PW Yeah, what they like, eh? Huh! It's barbaric, ain' it, eh?
Choppin' little
kiddies' 'ands off, just fer nickin' a Mars bar or summink?
SD They don't chop kiddies' 'ands off, Dave. Only grown men who
should know
better.
[slight pause]
PW Yeah. An' that's 'ow it should be. Yeah. Yeah, we could learn
a lot from
them, couldn't we?
MW Yeah, well I still wouldn't wanna live there, Dave.
[slight pause]
PW Nah, imagine that, eh? Nightmare! They'd 'ave you up fer
'aving a beer
in some o' them places, wouldn't they? Nah, you've gotta
cherish your
freedom, ain't ya?
SD Yeah, but you can't 'ave crimmoes runnin' 'bout the streets
willy-nilly, can
ya?
[slight pause]
PW No, it's gotta be ?? a three month spell in boot camp ??, ain'
it?
MW Yeah, but they've already tried that, 'aven't they?
PW Chyeah. What, "short-sharp-shock"? Who's bleedin' bright idea
was that,
eh? I mean, it's so often said, you got to re-educate
criminals. You treat
a bloke like an animal, he's gonna behave like an animal.
SD Yeah, so what you're sayin' is, send 'em off on lovely 'olidays
at the tax-
payers' expense.
PW No, we should 'ang 'em.
[pause]
PW Y'know, you bring back 'angin', you'd soon see a few changes
'round 'ere,
wun't ya?
MW Yeah, right, so you 'ang a bloke - an' then later you find out
he's innocent.
What then?
[pause]
PW You've spotted it, ain't ya? The central flaw in the old "'ang
'em 'igh"
man's argument. Yeah. There's no chance of appeal, is there?
SD Yeah, but it's a very powerful deterrent, the death penalty.
PW Exactly.
JT Like in America.
PW Exactly.
JT Where they've got the death penalty.
PW Exactly.
JT An' the highest murder rate in the world.
PW Exactly. It don't work, does it?
[slight pause]
SD So. David. In a nutshell. What is your solution to the
problem of crime in
society?
PW Well...
[lengthy pause]
PW ...it's not easy, is it?

7. I'LL GET ME COAT

AW ...yeah, well this pool's quite good, actually, because it's got
a very low
chlorine level.
JT Yeah, that's the filter. You need a good filtration system to
stop it
?? from getting moulds. ??
AW Well, you know Lisa and Ian? Erm, they've got stuff in their
pool that when
a child wees in it, the water goes purple.
JT Yeah, I've heard of that. It's an idea that originated in
Germany.
[just then, MW swims up to them]
MW Phwoar! Phew! Aaah! I love a good swim, don't you? It really
gets ya
goin', dunnit? This is about the best single exercise that you
can do. Cos
it doesn't put any undue strain on your muscles or your joints.
[AW and JT look at each other, as the water around MW's trunks
starts
to turn a funny colour...]
MW An' it really livens up you up, dunnit? Really gets the system
goin'.
[pause MW wonders what AW and JT are staring at, then he looks
down...]
MW I'll get me clothes.

8. JUST BIG KIDS

JT Right! I've got the Jenkin's report.
SD Good.
JT I've got the Pedastal resources.
SD Thank you.
JT And I've got a fax from Honkers.
PW An' I've got a BALLOON! Ha-ha!
[PW holds up said balloon and keeps pointing between it and his
own face
to see if JT and SD can see the resemblence(!)]
JT What a cheeky face!
SD What a cheekly little face!

9. STUPID TEENAGER

CA D'you know what, right? I really love me dad. He's great.
But, when I
told 'im I was 'avin' a baby. He said, "Get out of the house,
our Jeanine".
An' he called me a load o' names. Slapper. Slut. Slag. All
beginnin' with
"S". It's wierd that, in't it? Though, even though he won't
acknowledge
Chelsea when I'm there, I know that when I go out the room, he's
been
lookin' at 'er. Cos there's fag ash all over the pram. I know
he'll come
'round. Cos it's 'is only grandchild. An' our Mark - he said
he won't 'ave
any. Well, not till he comes out o' prison. He's great, me
dad. But he's
so old-fashioned, y'know. He still thinks that you shouldn't
'ave a baby
till you've left school.

10. MR WELLS

PW "I don't want to be in your world
I don't want to be a part of your world
Mr Wells, your a twat
You're a bad old twa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-t"

[camera pans round from the band to reveal JT sat behind a desk,
with a
sign on it which reads, "Mr Wells"]

"Mr Wells, your such a twat
You're a boring old twa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-t
Mr Wells, you fat old boring wanker
The way you click your fingers out of ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-me"

"Mr Wells, your dress sense is appalling
Your cowboy boots, your stupid pony tai-i-i-i-l
The way you shake your head
And move your body in place like a monkey jerkin' off"

"Mr We-e-y-e-lls"

"Stick your record company up your arse
You're a shithead, you're a wanker
You're a tosser, you're a twat
And you're wife's a sad old ba-a-a-a-a-t"

"Kill yoursel-l-l-l-lf!
Kill yoursel-l-l-l-lf!
Why don't you kill yoursel-l-l-l-lf!
Mr We-e-e-e-e-lls!
Why don't you...
Mr We-e-e-e-e-lls!
Mr We-e-e-"
[pause as JT stops the tape. he looks very serious. surely
he's about to
blow his top and give them all a bollocking. but, the
irony's lost on him
as he announces...]
JT That's the single!

11. THE NEWLY-WEDS

[MW is giving a garden party, on a nice summer's afternoon]
MW We have been to Malta every year, and it's never been bettered."
JT Well, this year we were thinking of Gibralta.
AW Yes, but it's...
[MW and AW have just clocked CH and wife inside their house
nextdoor,
shagging up against the window in full view of everyone at
the party.
fortunately, no-one's noticed yet. and won't if MW can help
it.]
MW Well, looks like the weather's turning a bit. Let's go inside.
It's going to
rain shortly. Come on. Clive! Clive!
AW Yes, actually...
JT There's not a cloud in the sky!
AW Come on, everyone!
MW Inside, everybody! Come along!

12. THE OFF-ROADERS

CH Right! Three big tips before we start. Shoot it, shovel it,
and shaddup.
PW (What?)
CH Shut up! Right, I've got a standard handgun. Lindsey has one
of those
fast-action, auto-cocking, semi-automatic babies.
PW Huh! We're going for maximum splat! Splattus-maximus!
CH And believe me, they work. This is pro-ball.
PW It's gripped!
CH Sorted! Right, Linz - when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot foot
it up
there. You - cover me.
PW Right. It's gripped!
[whistle blows]
CH Right! Let's paint-ball!
PW Good luck, comrade!
[CH starts to walk away, PW repeatedly shoots him in the back]
CH What the BLOODY HELL do you think you're doin', Lindsey?
PW Well you said, "cover me". Hu-huh! Done!
[CH promptly aims his handgun at PW's crotch and looses one off]
PW Aaargh!
CH Biggus jokus maximus bollockus number two.

13. TOMMY COCKLES / THE ARTHUR ATKINSON STORY

SD Er, I've been asked along here by the people at the B.B.C. to
talk about
Arthur Atkinson again. I don't know why, he was never that
good. But
they- they gave me lunch, so I felt duty bound. Now, during the
war,
Pathe News filmed a selection of radio shows, such as "Hot and
Cold All
Over", "You Take the Cake and I'll Have the Biscuits" and
"Hello, Is It Me
You're Looking For".
[pause]
SD We're going to see some footage from Arthur's wartime radio
show, "How
Queer". Of course, you couldn't call a show that now, because
you'd get
the wrong audience. Oh, I don't mean the wrong audience, I mean
a
certain type of listener. Oh, dear - have I said the wrong
thing? No, I
don't mean to offend anyone. Some of my best friends are
pierced. Oh,
dear - that's torn it. Anyway, here's the clip.
[cut]
CH ...and here he is, the chief of cheerfulness, the prime minister
of mirth,
the man whose ?? market ?? the man himself, Arthur Atkinson,
in...
PW How Queer!
CH Devised by Arthur Atkinson, written by Arthur Atkinson, starring
Arthur
Atkinson...
PW That's meee!
CH With Chester Drawers, Kitty Below, Fred Halibut and his little
banjolaylee,
and myself - Antony Radford Cooper.
[slight pause]
CH And tonight we are in St. Threadbare's hospital for the down-
at-heel, in
Bedpan-by-the-Sea, where Arthur isn't feeling himself.
PW Yeah, an' I'm not feelin' anyone else, neither, before you arsk!
Ha-ha! Eh?
Where's me washboard? Tell me doctor, is it me tibblia, or is
it me wibblia
not connected to me wobblia?
CH It's your wibblia, I'm afraid, Mr Atkinson, not connected to
your wobblia.
PW Oh, my gawd! Of awl the things! ?? First who'll be able to
play the fool??
CH I advise plenty of rest and take these pills twice a day. Three
at twelve
o'clock and two at two o'clock.
PW What? Three of these pills two times a day at three o'clock?
CH No, two.
PW What? Two at three, or three at two?
CH Two at two.
PW Two at two?
CH Two at two.
PW Blimey! Is there an owl in 'ere? I don't know whether I'm
comin' or goin'!
[slight pause]
AW Can I be of any assistance?
[pause]
AW By the by, you've a visitor.
PW Oh, yeah - who is it?
AW Chester Drawers.
PW A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes, send 'im in - I could do with a larf.
AW I'll just adjust me bustle.
[sproing! bink!]
PW 'ow queer!
AW That's better. I'll show him in. This way, Mr Drawers.
PW ?? No more, ?? Chester - mind yer 'ead!
[PW clouts JT over the head with a plank]
PW Ha-ha-ha! I warned ya!
JT Sorry, Arthur.
PW 'ere, what's that you've brought me, Chester - you great lump -
a nice pie?
JT Yes! I baked it meself to cheer you up.
PW O-ho-ho-ho! Yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha-har! Yes! E-he-he-he! Yes,
well it
certainly cheered me up!
CH For the benefit of the listeners at home, I'd better explain
that Arthur has
just pushed the pie into Chester's face.
PW Oh, shut yer mush, you old windbag! Everyone knows I've pushed
it in
'is face - that's what I always do when Chester comes on with a
pie.
JT I'll just go an wash!
PW Mind yer 'ead!
[PW whacks JT for a second time over the head with a plank]
PW E-he-he-he!
JT Sorry, Arthur.
CH And now, while Chester Drawer's washes himself, let's have some
music,
from Mr Fred Halibut and his little banjolaylee.
[PW leads JT off stage-right to have a quiet word...]
PW You were bloody hopeless there, Chester, the way you took that
pie - it
was a disgrace. I've seen a monkey do it better than that.
You'd better
pull your socks up, or you're gonna be off this show.
JT I'm sorry, Arthur - me mind's on other things. Me wife's in
'ospital 'avin' a
baby.
[slight pause as PW's face softens - he might be human after
all...]
PW Congratulations.
JT Thanks.
[...but then PW reverts straight back into his true self...]
PW Is it mine?

14. JESSE'S DIETS

MW This week, I are been mostly eatin'... taramasalata.

15. BOYZ IN DA HOOD

M1 Aye!
M2 We-ei-ght!
M1 Whadappen, san? Talk a man dis time atta book a pan dis spread
wid, eh?
[both laugh]
M1 Member da last time doyoz in a d-a-n-c-e class?
M2 Sai.
M1 Reight! Gan down, ninja man! Eh, wassup? Eh, be famous? Sure
as me
reach da side class. Fit! Ready for flex, style! Ready for
flex, ya nah?
U can deal wid it, but still I'm on block on. Block ON! Me a
tell ya. He-he-
he-he! Sibile, sibile. Still, u can deal wid it anyway, ya
nah? Come me
turn 'round, arawe me turn back, adala bread wid eh politi my
man deal wid
it, starrr! Y-A-R-D starrr! He-he-he! Me guest rup annel,
"All right, den!"
ROCK stone! R-O-C-K s-t-o-n-e! Ha-ha-ha!
[pause as M2 shakes his head and replies in thick west country
accent...]
M2 No. No! Oi can't keep up wi' thes! Oi don't know what the
bloody 'ell
you're on abowt. It's bloody crap!

16. ROLLIE BIRKIN, QC

PW Cairo! Rrrrrrrk! Brrrr! I perished! Then again...isn't
it...very unstable,
politically. Pandemonium...largely to do with a poisonous
monkey....very
small chaps, but immensely strong...very...usually...har! like
that...it was
a completely wasted journey...very friendly...SNAKE! SNAKE!
Whoar!...
Gin!...didn't know I'd do...I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I
really did...
I mean, I freely admit...that I was very, very drunk.

17. FRED HALIBUT

MW "??How can I put this in the way??
?? nafter what Pendora nerves ??
But there's a rumour goin' round
That you ain't been served
Get off!
Twenty three positions in a one night stand
Get off!
I'll only call you after if you say,"I can"
Get off!
Let a woman be a woman and a man be man
Get off!
Baby - here I am"

18. THE CUTE DISABLED MAN

[PW is doing his best "Forrest Gump" impersonation...]
M1 Once in a...
PW I lurve you.
M1 ...lifetime, a movie comes along...
PW I lurve you.
M1 ...which breaks your heart a hundred different ways...
PW I lurve you.
M1 Winner of seventeen...
PW I lurve you.
M1 ...academy awards, including best picture...
PW I lurve you.
M1 ...and best portrayal of a disabled person by a fit...
PW I lurve you.
M1 ...and healthy young actor who wants to win an Oscar.
[cut]
PW I lurve you, Mom.
CA I lurve you, Son.
[pause]
PW I lurve you, Mom.
CA I lurve you, Son.
[pause]
PW I lurve you, Mom.
CA I lurve you, Son.
[pause]
PW I lurve you, Mom.
CA I lurve you too, Son.
[pause]
PW I l-u-r-v-e you, Mom!
M1 Tom Hanks is...
CA I lurve you, Son!
M1 ...The Cute Disabled Man.
[cut - "Born In The Usa" is playing in background]
M2 I'm goin' be on that ship.
PW I lurve you.
M2 I seen it. I'm goin' be on that ship.
PW I lurve you.
M2 I seen...
[slight pause]
M2 I lurve you too, Cute Disabled Man.
PW I lurve you too, Black Person.
[cut to PW in front of U.S. flag, with "Star Spangled Banner"
playing]
PW I lurve you... America.
[cut to PW walking off into distance, still repeating...]
PW I lurve you!
M1 The Cute Disabled Man.
PW I lurve you!
M1 From Touchie-Feelie Pictures.

19. CHANEL 9 - POULA FISCH

[CA is walking around a floating island in a dock (a la Morning
TV)]
CA Bono estente! Et weekend meteorologicos. A Valley Portos,
scorchio!
Menya conya enterior, scorchio! Menya conya exterior, scorchio!
San
Paledros, scorchio! Oo-ooh! Monto Blanco, scorchio! Andropos
Mykros...
[pause as CA is none too sure about the tiny island to the
south-east]
CA A Tatzeya, scorchio.
[CA decides to risk it - she promptly falls straight off into
the water(!)]
CA Eeeeek! Ohh! Hoo! Aah!

20. PROFESSOR DENZIL DEXTER

JT We took seventy millilitres of ordinary tapwater, and placed it
inside this
beaker. We then took seventy millilitres of rainwater collected
from the
laboratory roof, and placed it inside this beaker.
[lengthy pause]
JT Don't ask me why. We just did.

21. TED AND RALPH

[CH is leaning against the Land-Rover, which is parked in town]
CH "...and do I love you, yes I do, river dee-..."
[PW turns up, carrying a roll of wire]
CH S- ah, Ted. Erm, I see you got the- the barbed wire. I think
that should
be everything. Er, how about a- a bit to eat before we head
home?
[pause]
PW I- well- maybe a- sandwich over there, sor.
CH No, no, I don't think so. You know, I think there's rather a
nice place down
this way. Yes. Come on, Ted!
[pause as a reluctant PW follows CH]
CH Yes, well, it's lovely, isn't it Ted?
[pause - PW looks uncomfortable in such fine surroundings]
PW Er, I don't normally come to this kind of place, sor.
CH No? Well, n-n-no. Erm, ah! Champignons Farcy. You haven't
lived until
you've had er- er- Champignons Farcy, Ted.
[slight pause]
PW No, sor.
CH I shall certainly be having them. Er, what about you?
PW I'll have that too, sor.
CH You must have whatever you like, Ted. Ahem! The, erm, Oeuf Au
Coquotte a l'Oiselle, er, are supposed to be particularly good
here, for
instance.
[slight pause]
PW Perhaps I'll have that then, sor.
CH H-have whatever you want, Ted. Anything. Erm, Assiette du
Pescheux,
for example. Er, you like fish. Erm, it's a- it's a, er,
selection of... of
sea food, poached in a- in a, er, Caute Bouillons, with...
PW Right, I'll have that then, sor.
CH Yes, very well. It's a good choice, Ted. Ah - the wine.
[slight pause]
PW I don't think so, sor. I've got a lot to do this afternoon.
There's the
drainage in the lower field, and er, one of the stable doors
needs fixin'.
CH The- yes, the- the stable doors. Yes. Well, er, just one glass
then.
[slight pause]
PW Er, I don't think so, sor.
CH Oh, go on.
PW I don't think so.
CH One glass - and the Devil with the stable doors!
M1 Are we ready to order?
CH Er, yes, I think so. Erm, Ted?
[PW's been dreading this moment...]
PW Er, right, er, I'll have the, erm, A-s-s-i... the A-s-s-i...
[PW sighs at his lack of linguistic capabilities]
PW ...the- the-
M1 The Assiette du Pescheux?
CH HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS!

22. RON MANAGER

SD Well, a lot to talk about in that first half, Ron.
PW Ho-ho! You know, yes, er, half-time, you know, huh! Forty five
minutes.
Phoof! Huh! Anyway, three quarters of an hour, isn't it? Half
of ninety
minutes? Phoof! Ho, you know.
SD Yes, isn't it.
PW I dunno, is it? Hmm? I mean, who can say? But half-time, you
know,
hu-ho! Tired faces? Muddy boots? Sweaty shirts and "steamy
windows!"
[slight pause]
PW But, you know, erm, half-time? Oranges! They're not the only
fruit!
Hu-ha! Apples - there's another one, you know. Coxes Orange
Pippins!
Ooh - easy to sea where the confusion could arise, isn't it?
Huh! D'you
see what I'm saying? Er, what I'm saying is, er, you've got to,
er, keep
your eyes on the ball, nose to the grindstone, ear to the
ground, finger on
the pulse, hands on the wheel, foot on the accelerator, mirror-
signal-
manoeuvre and pull out!
SD Yes, now - Les Ferdinand. Since he's been at Newcastle, he
really has
become the finished article. There are no flies on him.
PW Be afraid! Be very afraid! The Fly! Hmm? Ha-ha! Half-man,
half-fly,
HUGE eyes! You know, ha! Have you got eyes in the back of your
head?
Yes, because I'm a fly! Hmm?
SD Yes, now - Tommy - apart from Les Ferdinand, Newcastle...
strangely
subdued.
MW Well, terrible lack of inspiration in midfield, there. I mean,
well, they just
looked like a lot of wee kids havin' a knock-around in the park.
[MW realises he's just said the wrong thing there - PW's ears
prick up]
MW (Oh, no!)
PW The park? Small boys? In it? Huh! ?? the last goalie ??
Hmm? Isn't it?
Jumpers for goal posts? Hmm? You know? What's the score?
SEVENTEEN
- TWELVE? Ha-ha! Magical, isn't it? Long, golden afternoons?
Excited
cries? Suddenly, "OUCH!" Huh! Ball hits you in the face!
Stings! Ooh!
Doesn't it? Try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but secretly
longing for warm
bosom of mother. You know.
[slight pause]
PW Where does it go, that childlike wonder? Simple enjoyment of
the world?
A flower. A tiny flower.
SD Is that it?
PW Yes.

23. FRED HALIBUT

MW "Cream! Get on top! Cream! Get on top! Cream!"

24. GIDEON SOAMES

SD Once again, we are drawn to the work of Samuel Palmer, who at
any
given time in the late eighteen hundreds, was the leading
authority of
venereal disease. His first passion, however - was
architecture. And he
designed many glorious buildings, scores of which - sadly - were
destroyed.
On the orders of Robert Crabb, who conducted a personal vendetta
against
Palmer after he looked at his wife - in a funny way - down the
pub. Crabb
pursued this vendetta right up until his death, from hypocrisy,
in 1891.
This huge building was designed principally as a library by
Palmer, but used
as a store-room, for his huge collection of tissues, which he
would discard,
as he moved between marriages, like a cat.
[slight pause]
SD Palmer was nothing if not energetic, and in the fifty four years
he was on
the earth, he sired over a thousand children, many of whom are
still alive
today. And as we look at this building, at the windows, and the
doorways,
we may still see Palmer's children, fighting for attention.
[slight pause]
SD Look! Here is Laurence with his hoop. And here is young Peter
- saying,
"Look, father - I've drawn a castle. Am I not clever?"
[slight pause]
SD In later years, Palmer deeply regretted the misuse of his penis,
and would
lie for hours in the back bedroom, eating eggy fingers, and
making a mess
on his waistcoat.
[slight pause]
SD Tragically, today, we have just learned that the house may well
have fallen
into the hands... of Jimmy Nail.

25. THE OFF-ROADERS

CH Right, we're going for the flag on this one. And Lindsey - no
more pissing
about.
PW No, I'm sorry.
CH Right, I'm gonna to sneak up, back 'round the gully, and you...
[slight pause as CH glares at PW]
CH ...cover me.
[pause]
PW Sorry. Bad Joke. I'm s-
CH (Right - let's paint ball.)
PW It's gripped!
CH Sorted!
[CH turns his back to PW, and starts to make his way 'round the
gully...]
PW (I've got to do it, Baz!)
[PW repeatedly blasts CH in the back with his automatic paint
gun]
CH Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[PW is puzzled by CH's seemingly cheery response]
PW Hur! Hur! Sorry, I couldn't resist it!
[CH makes to shoot PW in the bollocks again - PW quickly moves
his hands
in front to protect them. but instead, CH swiftly changes
direction and
gives him a crack on the head with the butt of his pistol
instead(!)]
PW AAARGH! Ooargh!

26. FRED HALIBUT

MW HEY! ?? Turned out shark again, an't it? "?? Trades below way
?? Nicki
you could say she was a sex fiend, I bet you ?? didn't know a
girl locky ??
masturbatin' in a magazine..."

27. THE NEWLY-WEDS

[MW and wife are saying goodbye to now-departing party
guests...]
MW Good evening. Not a bad-
M1 No, it was very good.
MW He-hey.
EM It's been too long.
MW Yes. Yes.
JT Bye!
MW Take care!
JT God bless!
MW Thank you, Jim. You too, ?? on paxell ??
AW Listen, you must give me the recipe for that love-ly...
[AW clocks CH and wife at it in the bushes in the front garden
this time]
AW ...marinade.
EM I'll send them to you.
CH Oh, hi! Hello there! Sorry, how rude of me. Didn't see you
there!
?? Barnaby! Tom! ?? Nice to see you again! Lovely!
[CH's wife, F3, agrees with him - but for a different reason(!)]
F3 A-ooh! Love-ly.

28. THE INSECURE WOMAN

PS We're now able to go over to our correspondant, who is standing
literally
yards away from the direct shelling. Er, hello? Can you hear
me? Er,
exactly what is the current situation?
AW Yes! London - I can just about hear you! Yes, you're coming
through
now! Does my bum look big in this? This colour, will it- will
it- ?? burst of
a stake on me? ?? Do you think the camouflage makes me look
flat?
What about the ?? these earrings? DOES my bum look big in this?

29. BRILLIANT KID / RUBBISH DAD

PW Aren't wars fantastic? What 'appens, right, is your country
invades
another country, kills 'alf of 'em, an' the other 'alf -
whoever's left - you
get to order about. Y'know, you'd tell 'em to do exactly what
you want.
Brilliant. Like you could say, I dunno, "Make us a cup o' tea -
NOW" An'
they'd 'ave to do it. Brilliant! But, d'you know, thinkin'
about it, y'know,
I mean, really, really thinkin' about it - 'ard, 'til it 'urts -
we beat Germany
in the last war, an' they don't do owt that we want. In fact,
we end up
doin' what they want! My dad reckons that we shunta fought the
Germans
at all, an' that...
JT THAT ADOLF 'ITLER? Now, he 'ad some good ideas.
PW But he also thinks that...
JT Crinkle cut chips... are a CHINESE invention.
PW So, I don't really know if he knows what he's talkin' about.
Aren't
'elicopters brilliant. They've enabled mankind to 'ovver, for
the first time in
'istr'y! FANTASTI-I-I-C!

30. FRED HALIBUT

MW "You sexy motherfuc..."

31. THE OFF-ROADERS

[CH and PW are crouched in an abandoned building, loading their
guns]
CH I think we've got a clear run to their flag from here. You
ready?
PW Yup!
CH Wait a minute - you didn't see any of them out there, did you?
PW No.
CH Good. For a moment there, I thought we might be in trouble.
PW No, we're safe.
CH Right - let's go.
PW It's gripped!
CH Sorted! Let's paint ball-all!
[picture suddenly slows and turns sepia - they're in Butch &
Sundance
mode now(!) PW and CH run out of doorway into a deadly hail
of
"bullets". to a sombre piece of music, we can just hear CH
cry...]
CH PAINT BALLLLL!

[END CREDITS]

32. THE CUTE DISABLED MAN

[PW is cradling an Oscar in his hands...]
PW I l-u-r-v-e you!

[eof 2#3]
--
Bon Scott