Script for Series 3, Episode 4 (Plain Text)

[Bon Scott]

THE FAST SHOW: SERIES 3, EPISODE 4 (1997)

The players:

AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players

1. THE GHOUL

[PW appears at a woman's bedroom window, in Uncle Fester/Dracula guise.
F1 is sleeping, but awakes when PW hovers over her, menacingly. she
screams loudly, but all PW does is talk to camera...]
PW Chelthea 2, United 1! Zthola in the latht minute of exthtra time! Put a
monkey on it! Monthter, monthter, monthter!

[INTRO CREDITS]

2. THE OFF-ROADERS

[CH and PW are in the great outdoors, stood next to their camp-fire]
CH Right - day one. Survival. We're going to be spending a week living wild.
PW Rrrrrr! Rrrrrr!
CH Ooh, I'm frightened. Huh. Right, we've already built the shelter - or
Wikyup - and we're gonna-
PW (A what?)
CH Wikyup.
PW [laughs quietly]
CH It's what they're called! It says so in the S.A.S. book. So now all we've
gotta do is get sorted for food. There'll be no puffy roast beef Sunday
dinners for us. From now on, we only eat what we can kill.
[CH picks up a crossbow and brandishes it to camera. PW says helpfully...]
PW Or grow!
CH Oh, yeah - we're gonna grow a lot in a week, aren't we, Lindsay.
PW Well, er, what about that, er, mustard cress stuff? You grow that on
blottin' paper. ?? shot up in about two days. Quite fascinating, actually.
CH No, Lindsay. This little baby... is all that stands between us, and a
lingering death.
PW Nice one!
CH It's gripped!
PW It's sorted!
CH Let's survive!

3. THE SQUEAMISH ZOO KEEPER

[MW is pushing a wheelbarrow. he stops, gets the shovel out of it and
starts shovelling a pile of manure into the wheelbarrow. he manages a
couple of shovel's full, while holding his nose, then wobbles on his feet
and finally collapses - the stench was too much for him!]

4. SUIT YOU

[CH walks into the shop, wearing a pair of shorts. PW pounces on him]
PW Ooh! Betty Swollocks?
[slight pause as CH looks puzzled. PW tries again]
PW Betty Swollocks?
[slight pause as CH shakes his head]
CH Sorry, I don't know.
[slight pause]
PW No, sir - I was using a Spoonerism, sir. "Betty Swollocks". You were
walking in a manner which suggests that your scrotum is stuck to your leg,
sir.
CH Well, it's, er, it is a hot day.
PW Hot, sticky and damp! Ooh! Suits you, sir. Hoh! A gentleman shouldn't
be walking about in weather like this, should he, sir? It's not good for the
health, is it, sir?
[CH wanders over to a nearby store mannequin, which is wearing a hat]
CH No.
[suddenly, the mannequin springs to life - it was MW standing stock still]
MW Brings 'em out, doesn't it, sir?
[slight pause as CH is slightly taken aback by MW's sudden animation]
MW The hot weather?
CH What?
PW The ladies, sir. Brings them out, doesn't it, sir? Ooh! Where do they come
from, sir? With their skimpy tops, and their skimpy bottoms, and their bare
midriffs, sir?
MW Ooh! It's Quim City out there, isn't it, sir?
PW Ooh! Suits you.
MW Suit you, sir.
PW It's the sign of a modern, independent lady, isn't it, sir? A lack of clothing?
MW Ooh!
PW Ooh! And is it my imagination, sir, or all they all pierced these days, sir?
*2 Ooh!
MW On a hot summer's day like today, sir, don't you sometimes feel like falling
to your knees and shouting, "Thank GOD for women's liberation!"
*2 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

5. SIX HOURS IN MAKE-UP

[JT is in a hair net and poncho, sat in front of a dressing room mirror. CA
is repeatedly powdering JT's face]
JT When the character I play arrives in the small French village, claiming to be
Jean-Pierre Batois - a vagrant tinker - it's essential no-one recognises him
for who he truly is - the Comt de Villette. For the transformation from
noble lord to common beggar to truly take place, it requires at least six
hours in make-up.
[CA puts a poor excuse for a ginger beard on JT, who says in a thick
"French" accent...]
JT "Who will buy my sticks?"

6. TAFFY

PW When a bird starts moanin' at me, I hate it. I can't stand it.
[pause]
PW I like my freedom, see?

7. THE ANXIOUS POOR

[MW is leading his tribe up an escalator]
MW Quick! Quick!
[slight pause]
MW Quick! Come on!
[slight pause]
MW Quick!

8. CHECKOUT GIRL

CA Hiya, love. Skimmed milk. Can't be doin' wi' that, me. It's like milk
watered down. Linda McCartney pie. You're either a veggie, or a Beatles
fan. Ready mixed salad. It's puff's food, that! Whiskers cat food. You
lot love cats, don't ya? Rissoles. You know what they're made of, don't
ya? Ear'oles, eye'oles an' arse'oles. You'll love 'em. Six pound eighteen,
please.

9. TED AND RALPH

[CH is walking through the greenhouse when he catches sight of PW]
CH Ah! Ted.
[slight pause]
CH Yes, I'm glad I caught you. I've just been, er, I've just been walking in...
the upper field. And I noticed that some of the barbed wire there, er,
needs replacing. It's, er, it's next to useless, in parts. So I wondered if
you had a moment, er, oh! - well done on fixing up the old, er, the old
trailer, by the way, it really does look as good as new. Er, I could see my
face in it, and, er- and, er... seeing my face, like that, partially obscured by
rust and time... a strange melancholy took hold of me. As you know, that
trailer was bought in my fath- my grandfather's time, in fact. And, er, how
many long-gone faces... it must have seen come and go, and... I too... will
be dead one day - like those hens we massacred last week. However... I
do hope in not quite the same way, if, er, being held down by you and, er,
and having my head chopped off.
[slight pause]
CH But I do hope that, er, that when I die, I can say that, er, here was a man
who- who lived. Who... tasted life in some small way.
PW Would that be razor wire, sor, or standard?
CH Er, just the standard please, Ted. Yes, I- I- apologies- apologise, I, er, if
I, appear to be rambling on... a little. It's just that I've been... I've been
thinking about these things lately, Ted. About, er... about you, and me,
and, er, my mortality, er...
[PW scrunches his face up at this]
CH ...yes, I'm... in the process of drawing up a will, you see. And, er, having
no next of kin, and knowing that, er...
[CH sighs heavily]
CH ...I won't always be around to discuss with you, er, my theories of tillage
and the- the drainage system in the- in the lower field.
[slight pause]
CH Yes, I... yes, I was wondering if I might... leave you everything, Ted.
[lengthy pause as PW's eyes widen at this]
PW Th-thank you very much, sor, Oi... d'you not think- d'you not think
though, sor, that it's more likely that Oi'll die before yous.
CH No, don't say that, say...
[pause as CH's face drops, then he walks away from PW saying...]
CH No, no, don't- don't say that, Ted.

10. ROGER NOUVEAU

[JT and MW are part of a crowd in a pub, watching football on the TV]
MW If Bergkamp keeps this form up, Holland have gotta be worth an each way
bet.
[pause]
JT I'm sorry, but, er, Bergkamp plays for Arsenal, not for Holland.
[slight pause as MW looks incredulous]
MW He plays for both, you tosser.
JT Don't- ha-ha-ha-ha! Don't be daft! No- now, what if the Gunners got into
Europe, and had to play Holland? What would he do, then? What side
would he play for, then? Uh? A-ha! Sussed!
[JT waggles both his index fingers at MW who rolls his eyes in disbelief]

11. CHEEZY PEAZ

[the FS crew are toffed up to the nines in Tuxedos etc. around a table]
PW Ee, by gum, that were a right posh meal.
JT Pass us port.
PW 'ave ya got any pongy cheese. Y'know, that posh cheese that no-one
likes?
CH I fancy some after dinner peas!
AW Hedges?
[AW snaps her fingers. some cheese and peas are duly brought in]
PW Eee! That cheese stinks!
CH Hey! Those peas are rotten!
AW That's because it's new, "After Tea", gourmet Cheezy Peaz. Ll-loveleh!
PW Yeah! A combination of RIGHT MOULDY cheese, an' RANK peas. Make
EV'RY DAY a gourmet day with GOURMET CHEEZY PEAZ!

12. DAVE ANGEL, ECO WARRIOR

F1 "In a moonlight shadow, he passed on worried and warning, carried away
by a moonlight shadow, lost in a riddle that sends..."
SD Heyyy, 'ow ya doin'? Dave Angel 'ere again. I'm in the Lake District, in a
place called Kendal. My pal's got a caravan just back there. Comes 'ere at
weekends. I used to go fishin'. But not anymore. This river... used to be
full o' fish. Tadpoles. Frogs jumpin'. Little water voles, swimmin' from bank
to bank. Dragonflies, hoverin' above the water. Whoosh! Then away.
[slight pause]
SD My pal swears he saw a badger, once. Swimmin' around.
[slight pause]
SD I think he made it up.
[slight pause]
SD But this river - like many rivers in our great country - has dried up. There
are loads o' reasons, but there's one main reason...
[SD points at the sky]
SD ...it just don't rain enough anymore.
[slight pause]
SD There's one more reason. Something called "Global Warming". It sounds
complicated - but in a nutshell, old Mother Earth is heating up like a dirty
great big cake. An' if we're not careful, the icin's gonna melt.
[MM appears in the background, picking her way across the stones in her
mini skirt and heels, carrying a plastic bag full of rubbish and an old tyre]
SD Something's got to give, cos old Mother Earth - she's give just about
enough.
[slight pause]
SD The world's turnin'... an' we're not learnin'.
[pause as SD catches sight of MM]
SD Shirley, what are you doin', babe? SHIRLEY! What are you...
[MM has come to a bonfire. she drops the bag and tyre on to it]
SD Oh, for cryin' out loud. Shirley, you can't burn tyres 'ere - it's National
Trust PROPERTY, BABE! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

13. THE INSECURE WOMAN

[AW's walking home alone, sheltering from the rain with a brolly, when...]
M1 'and over the bag.
[slight pause as AW freezes]
M1 Drop the- drop the bag!
AW You're absolutely right. I knew this bag was a mistake with this coat. The
colours really clash, don't they? Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking, "never mind the coat, the shoes weren't exactly the most
successful purchase in her life."
[M1 tries to run away, but AW grabs him by the elbow - she's not finished!]
AW I mean, I put them on, and I look in the mirror, and I think "Bleurgh! I look
like a mad person in these!"

14. RON MANAGER

SD Yes - thank you, Ron.
PW Yes. D'you think I should shave my beard off for charity?
SD You haven't got one.
PW Oh, right. Well, maybe I shall shave my hair off and go for a Bobby
Charlton. Huh! ?? does he ?? rogue hair from the side, teased over?
[slight pause]
PW No. Ralphie Coates! There was another one. D'you remember old Ralphie
Coates? Similar configuration? I wonder what they call him these days.
Ralph Coates. "Rafe" Coates, isn't it? Like the English Patient? "Rafe"
Fiennes? A-ha-ha! What if they were to make an Australian version of it?
"The Australian Patient", starring "Rofe" Harris? Ho-ho-ho!
SD Or "Dofe" Lundgrun!
PW Oh!
MW Or "Afe" Garnett!
PW Ha-ha-ha! I'm just off, for a round of "Gofe", with "Afered" Hitchcock, and
"Wofe" out of Gladiators! A-ha-ha! Arseholes.
[slight pause as SD and MW turn, surprised, to PW]
PW Sorry, I meant marvellous.

15. THE OFF-ROADERS

[CH comes back to camp, carrying a saucepan and sits at the fire with PW]
CH Right! I've been... foraging. And I'm going to be living mainly off worms...
[CH picks one up out the saucepan, and hurriedly puts it back again]
CH ...snails, moss and, er, these mushrooms I've found.
PW And I'll be livin' off pizzas!
CH Pizzas?
PW Yeah, there's a Pizza Hut just down the road.
CH This is- this is a survivalist course! You can't eat "pizza".
PW Why not? I'd survive!
[slight pause]
CH The whole point of this exercise is, we're supposed to be livin' off the land!
As if we're caught behind enemy lines.
PW Well, that's not very likely, is it? And anyway, we're not in the army.
[slight pause]
CH Well, what if we were invaded, then?
PW Well, that's not very likely, either! And anyway, there'll still be Pizza Hut.
CH WELL, WHAT IF WE WERE AT THE BLOODY NORTH POLE?
PW WELL, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY BLOODY "WORMS", WOULD THERE?
[slight pause as CH calms down]
CH You've got to play the game, or there is no point to any of this!
[slight pause]
PW I'm not eatin' worms.
[pause]
CH Well, I tell you what. We'll compromise. We'll get some plain pizzas, er,
and top them with these mushrooms I've got, and that way we'll be sort of
half-surviving.
[slight pause]
PW Yeah, all right.
CH It's gripped!
PW It's sorted!
CH Let's go to Pizza Hut!
PW Let's half-survive!

16. INTERESTING LIFE

[a nervy EM is potting plants on the kitchen table when MW appears at the
door]
MW Hello, dear. How's it going?
EM The weeds are taking over. The grass is in a terrible mess. Did you get
that stuff we need from the garden centre?
MW Even better than that! I got a Gregorian Chants CD, a tea-cosy shaped
like a three ton weight, and a cat bra!

17. BRILLIANT KID

PW In't the Mafia brilliant? They're fantastic, aren't they? Y'know, the Nosa
Costra. The- the Costra No- the Mafia. Anyway, I think they're about the
most highly organised of all the organised crime organisations. They really
are organised. An' the brilliant thing about 'em is, if they do you a favour,
you 'ave to do 'em one back. Otherwise - I don't know - they might blow
up your car. If you've got one. Or, they might make you sleep with a fish.
Or put some kind of animal in your bed, anyway. I'm not sure of the exact
technical terminology - they might make you support a motorway, or give
you a concrete overcoat. Which'd be brilliant, but prob'ly a bit 'eavy to
walk in. Y'know.
[PW waddles about pretending he's wearing said concrete overcoat]
PW I mean, the Triad's are all right, but they 'aven't 'ad the same impact as
the Mafia, who are BRILLIANTTTTTTTTTT!

18. JAZZ CLUB

JT Hi. You've got the best seats in the house. Welcome to Jazz Club.
Sooooperb. Jazz is a constantly progressing, constantly evolving, musical
art form. Ragtime, Dixieland, Swing, Beebop, Cool Jazz, Fusion, Murder,
Third String, Acid Dinner Jazz, and - of course - Acker Bilk. Shite. And
tonight, jazz on the cutting edges. Ouch! Tonight, we're in the presence
of genius. Well - actually, Genus. Ted Genus, that is, from Milwaukee.
With his band, Wet Blanket. Ted is famous for his jazz reworkings of
classical music pieces. And tonight, he's going to be performing a jazz
version of perhaps the most famous piece of modern classical music.
Niiiiice. So, here's Ted Genus - and Wet Blanket - with John Cage's "Four
and a Half Minutes".
[camera pans to PW and co. PW mouths them in 1-2-1-2-3-4. and the
band strike up with... absolute silence. PW nods to the rest of the band,
appreciatively. MW grins inanely, then adopts an oscar-winning vacant
expression. back to JT, who makes an "ace" sign with his hand and
whispers, "Silent Jazz. Great!"]

19. THE ANXIOUS POOR (cont.)

[MW and tribe are now running back down the escalator]
MW COME ON! THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT, QUICK! GOOD GIRL! GO ON! RUN!

20. MORRIS DANCING WITH BOB FLEMING AND CO.

[CH, PW, MW and SD are in their Bob Fleming, Jed Thomas , Clive Tucker
and Murtagh Blethyn guises. they are all dressed in Morris Dancing
costumes, and are poncing about on a village green. all is as it should
be, until they meet in the middle, bang sticks, and shout...]
*4 ARSE!
[pause for more poncing about]
*4 ARSE!
[pause]
*4 ARSE!
[the dance ends, to much cries of AHEM! ARSE! HACK! A-CHOO! AHEM!
HICCOUGH! ARSE! HACK! A-CHOO! etc]

21. PATRICK NICE

MW ...and I didn't realise that Delia Smith's microphone was on. And so the
whole studio heard what I said. Luckily, no-one's going to press charges.
And the police only held me for seven hours. [sniff!] Which was nice.

22. CHRIS THE CRAFTY COCKNEY

[EM opens her door to be greeted by PW. she sighs, because she thinks
he's selling something]
PW Good mornin'!
EM Hello.
PW It's awight - don't worry - I'm not sellin' anyfink.
EM Aren't you?
PW No, I'm just doin' a survey of the general area, checkin' - y'know - what
security measures people'a got. Anti-feft devices an' 'at.
EM So you are selling something.
PW No, no, I'm not. Honest.
EM Fine.
PW No, I'm thinkin' o' movin' round 'ere, y'see. An' I'm 'avin' a little nose about
just to see 'ow easy my life's gonna be.
EM Oh, it's lovely round here. I mean, erm, everyone's very friendly, it's very
quiet, and, er - touch wood - there's hardly any crime.
PW Oh? Right. Touch. Result. Cos, erm... 'ow can I put this? Let's see, er,
ha! Y'see me? I'm like a one man crime-wave, I am.
[EM laughs at this]
PW Yeah! No, I am. I do the lot. I'm a little bit werr a little bit weyy a little
bit swish-swish-swish! I'll nick anyfing, I will! So I'm 'avin' a little look
around now, to see what 'ouses 'ave got alarms, or grills or whatever.
EM Yeah, but you're not trying to sell me security?
PW No - I could nick some stuff for ya, if ya like! You couldn't do that with an
average burglar - but not me, cos I'm a geezer! Ha-ha-ha! Anyway, very
nice to meet you, right? You look after yourself, and remember - swish-
swish-swish-swish-swish-swish-swish-swish!
[slight pause as PW encourages EM to mimic him]
PW Go on!
EM Oh! Swishy-swoo-woo? Ha-ha!
PW Hey-hey-hey! Ha-ha-ha! Very good! Anyway, see ya. Bye.
[EM closes the door. PW nicks a large potted plant on EM's doorstep, and
says to camera...]
PW (Nice lady.)

23. DIRECTIONS / THE RAMBLER

[PW is hiking along a road in the middle of nowhere. he walks up to a
bedraggled boiler-suited MW, who is working at his petrol station. the
wind is howling, so he shouts across to MW as he approaches]
PW HELLO! HELLO, THERE! HELLO! I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD, ER,
HELP ME?
[slight pause]
PW MY- MY CANTEEN'S A BIT LOW.
MW I see. You lost, an' you're wantin' directions. Right. Now, then. You see
this road, 'ere? You go up this road 'ere, until you come to a tree. Lovely
old tree.
PW No, you misunderstand me. Erm, I- I need some water for my canteen.
Yes, it's very thirsty work, hiking up and down the highways and byways.
MW Well, you'll be needin' directions, then.
PW No, no. No, I'm fully equiped. I know exactly where I am. Erm, I've never
had to ask for directions. Ever. I'm a fully experienced rambling-hikurr.
[slight pause]
MW You sure about that, then?
PW Yes, I'm quite sure.
[slight pause as MW comes up very close to an uneasy PW]
MW What about down the end o' that road, there? You been down there?
PW I- I've just come from there. Yes.
MW Well, that's no guaranTEE!
PW Well, I suppose not. No.
MW You wanna watch where you're steppin' round 'ere, boy. You might fall
down 'ole. Where would you be, if you fell down 'ole?
PW Well, yeah, yeah-
MW WHAT ABOUT THE FOG? STUCK IN A HOLE? IN THE FOG? STUCK IN A
HOLE? IN THE FOG? IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT? WITH AN OWL! UP
A TREE!
[PW decides he'd best be on his way, but MW follows him up the road]
MW STUCK IN 'OLE! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! STUCK DOWN 'OLE! WITH
AN OWL! ON YER OWN! BEYOND WALL! (LOVELY OLD WALL!)
[PW starts running now. bits of his backpack are falling out over the road]
MW STUCK DOWN 'OLE! WITH AN OWL! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! IT
COULD 'APPEN! STUCK DOWN 'OLE! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! WITH -
AN - OWL!
[MW stops. PW carries on as fast as his legs will carry him. MW's face is
suddenly tranquil. he sniffs. another satisfied customer!]

24. BITTER AND TWISTED

G1 We all had to go up to the front of the class and hold up what we'd made.
And the teacher said mine was the best.
AW HAH!

25. THAT'S AMAZING

SD Hello, and welcome to That's Amazing. The show the quite literally looks
at amazing things. Now... ROBOTS! That's right. You heard what I said.
Robots. Now, we usually associate robots with the Japanese. Along with
some more unpleasant stuff during the Second World War. (Am I allowed
to say that?) Yeah, course I can. I'm Australian.
[slight pause]
SD But tonight on the show, we've got a BONA FIDE, COVERED IN HAIR, ??
FUNNY PLEASE LAGER ?? AUSTRALIANS, and please welcome ROBERT HAUG
and his GROUND-BREAKING technological MARVEL, Mister - and I can't
believe I'm going to say this - Mister Dinkum. ROBERT! Bring him on!
JT Come on, Mister Dinkum!
[JT guides in a Blue Peter style sorry excuse for a cardboard-box robot]
JT There ya go, Carl!
SD Oh, fantastic! Oh-ho!
JT He's a feisty little fellah!
SD He certainly is! Yeah, so what makes Mister Dinkum so special?
JT What everyone has always wanted to do...
[JT clouts the robot to make it stop]
JT What everyone's always wanted to do, was build a robot that thinks like a
human.
SD Ya mean it can't always make up it's mind?
JT No.
SD You mean, it wants to get a divorce from it's wife?
JT No.
SD You mean, it wishes it was down the pub, 'aving a few tinnies?
JT No.
SD You mean, it wishes it could go out on a date with, er, Elle McPherson?
JT No.
SD No, well I was only playin' around with ya, mate. But I see ya don't wanna
go with it.
[slight pause]
SD So, we'll go back to your computerised brain.
JT Carl, go ahead - ask him a question.
SD All right. Tell me, what's the greatest country on God's Earth?
B1 That's an easy one! Bleep! Australia, of course!
SD That's fantastic! The land of wonder! Right then, Mister Dinkum - some-
thing a bit more tricky.
B1 Yes?
SD Particle accelerators.
B1 Yes?
[B1 doesn't sound quite as confident with the second "yes"]
SD In which year was the rotating synchnotron invented?
[slight pause]
B1 I dunno, Dad!
JT Shhh!
[SD is suddenly suspicious, and eyes JT warily. JT tries to explain...]
JT Yeah, well, when I programmed him, I made him think that I was his Dad.
SD So why doesn't he know the answer to the question?
JT Well, he's a- he's a mechanical device. He's not a- he's not a memory
machine.
SD What's the point of having a robot that's a moron?
JT He's not a moron! He's nearly caught up with the other boys at school!
Y'know, he's workin' really hard! (We've had a few problems at home, all
right?)
[SD has had enough. he moves over to the robot to open it up]
JT Don't touch that! You'll be zapped by a million... volts.
[SD discovers - amazingly enough - a young boy sat inside it]
SD G'day, mate.
[slight pause]
B1 It was all his idea!
SD Go on, get off the show.
[JT and B1 start to leave. JT turns round for a final retort]
JT That would have been believable on Dr Who!

26. JESSE'S FASHION TIPS

MW This season... I'll be mostly wearin'... a thong!

27. THE OFF-ROADERS

[back at camp, CH is now barechested and wearing blue war paint on his
face. he leans in very close to camera, with a wild look in his eyes. in
the background, PW is leaning over throwing up against a tree stump]
CH I AM THE MUSHROOM GOD! I AM ROTTEN! I AM A SURVIVOR!
PW [wretch! hack! cough!]
CH APOCALYPSE NOW!
PW [bleeurgh! a-hack!]
CH I ONLY EAT WHAT I CAN KILL!
[CH picks up his crossbow and stalks up menacingly behind PW]

28. PUB LANDLADY

CA But I stood 'ere the other day, I 'eard this really loud bang! outside. I
rushed out there. Two cars. One of 'em, right, on the wrong side of the
road, 'alf way up the pavement, the uvver car stacked on top of it. Y'know
what it was, don't ya? Car accident. Simple as that.

29. THE SQUEAMISH ZOO KEEPER

[MW comes screaming out of an animal stall, followed by a large bull]
MW HEEELLLLLPPPPPP! It's lookin' at me all FUNNY!

30. ROLLIE BIRKIN QC

PW [sounds of revving, changing gears, accelerating again, machine gunning,
explosions... monkeys, chimpanzees... elephants... eerie whistling...
ships horn... bubbling under water... sonar echo sounder...]
PW Miaow! BWWWAAAAAARGH! EEEUUUURRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Har-har!
Brrrrrr! I said NO! I'm afraid I was very... very drunk.

31. SWISS TONI

[M1 is flipping through paint colour charts]
CH How are you getting on, Paul?
M1 All right.
CH Yeah, about time we had the office smartened up a bit.
M1 Mm. But - shouldn't we get a decorator in, though?
CH No! We'll do it ourselves. Decorating's child's play.
M1 Yeah, what about the carpet?
CH Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You
check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over
her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
M1 ?? Specially if I don't find wrong with the carpet. ?? What about the wall-
paper?
CH Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover
her with paste, and stick her up.
[slight pause]
CH Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your
handiwork.

32. TOMMY COCKLES' GOLDEN MOMENTS / ARTHUR ATKINSON

SD Hello, T.C. here. We're now going to witness a debacle. It's a clip from
the seventies' British sex comedy, "Confessions of a Door to Door Cucumber
Salesman".
[slight pause]
SD I often wonder what happened to the British nation during the seventies,
but, thank God, somebody - in the shape of M. Thatcher - came along and
saved us all.
[slight pause]
SD The reason I'm showing this clip, is because it features a cameo appear-
ance from an aging Arthur Atkinson. They did offer me the role, but
unfortunately, during rehearsals, I found Kenneth Connor playing gin
rummy with my wife, Marie, in a caravan on set. I saw red, and broke
both his thumbs.
[slight pause]
SD There was a terrible to-do. In those days, the Carry On team were like
Gods. And I was forced out of Britain, and had to do a sitcom in Australia.
With old whacko himself, Jimmy Edwards.
[slight pause]
SD Still, Kenneth Connor never played cards with anyone's wife again.
[slight pause]
SD OK, here's the clip.
[cut to CH - "Nobby" - in his Lionel Blairs, tank top, long hair etc. doing his
best Robin Askwith impersonation. he's just pushed a doorbell, and is
reaching down to pick up a cucumber from his crate. unseen to him, SD
answers the door in "Percival Pooftah" guise]
CH Morning, love! It's big, it's fresh, and it's all for you!
[CH holds up said cucumber for inspection, smiling at his double entendre]
SD Oooh! Hello, ducky! It's my lucky day! (Jeremy, go and get the best
china - we've got a guest!)
CH No, it's all right, mate - I got the wrong house. Good day!
[CH picks his crate up and scarpers]
CH (Chor! Blimey!)
SD Oh! I'll wait for the milkman.
[PW has been watching this, dressed in "navy" uniform, clipping his hedge]
PW 'ow queer!
[later on, CH is having better luck. a busty F1 - "Candy Crumpet" - is
talking with him at her front door]
CH I'm selling cucumbers!
F1 Oh, right.
CH I can give you one, if you like!
F1 I bet you could, you randy git.
[cut back to PW keeping a beedy eye out behind his hedge]
SD Oh, Arthur, would you be a love and lend me your hosepipe?
PW You keep away from me, you and your kind! I don't mind what goes on
behind closed doors, but I wont have it rammed down my throat! It's not
right!
[cut back to CH/F1. F1 has turned around, and is leaning over, giving CH a
glorious view of her backside in tightly stretched hotpants. Boing!]
F1 Oh, Tiger, do be quiet!
[F1 picks up a small mound of hair with some doggy features at one end]
F1 It's a lovely day.
CH Gorgeous.
[F1 has turned around and stood up again, with her dog under one arm]
CH Ooh! That looks warm an' hairy!
F1 Right, let's see what you got, then. Is it big?
CH Enormous!
F1 I'm not tawkin' about your cucumbers!
CH Neither am I!
F1 Come on, then - I could do wiv a quick one. I'm feelin' really RANDY!
CH Phwoaar!
[cut back to PW, who's been peering through his telescope at CH/F1. CA -
"Gladys Atkinson" comes out the house with a rolling pin and bats him]
PW Oof!
CA Arthur! You've been spying on that woman from number 31 again, ain't ya?
PW Well, someone's got to keep an eye on moral standards 'round 'ere. I've a
good mind to go over there now and give her one- er, er, 'ave a word with
'er. Eh? Where's me washboard?
[CA doesn't have a clue what he's on about - it's way before her time]
CA (Where's your what?)
PW Never mind. (Trollop.)
[cut to JT - "Stuffer" and MW - "Jerry Shaggit" leaning against CH's
minivan, which reads "NOBBY'S BIG ONES" on the side]
JT D'you reckon he's on the job? She looked like a bit of a nympho to me.
MW She was a lovely bit o' crumpet.
JT Yeah, I'll bet there's enough crumpet in there for all of us.
MW Come on. I like crumpet.
JT Yeah. Let's go an' get some crumpet. [sniff!]
[MW and JT walk off. cut to looking up the street. everyone comes
running out of their houses, shedding their clothes, dancing their way up
the street. cut back to PW]
PW BLIMEY! They've gawn sex mad down this road! Oh, well. If you can't
beat 'em, join 'em!
[PW starts undressing as he hops up the road after them. CA screams...]
CA ARTHUR!

[END CREDITS]

[eof 3#4]

Plain text again, I'm afraid. I'll do some proper colour HTML versions when
I've finished the last four scripts, and put them on my webpages.
--
Bon Scott