Script for Series 3, Episode 2 (Plain Text)
Bon Scott
THE FAST SHOW - THIRD SERIES (1997), #2
The players:
AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
RD - Robin Driscoll
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players
1. HAM ACTOR
[JT is in a hair net and poncho, sat in front of a dressing room mirror]
JT For the role of William, the character has to age fifty years in the period in
which the story takes place. When everybody else is tucked up in bed, I'll
be in make-up - for six hours. Becoming an octogenarian old man.
[CA appears and puts a white wig on JT, and adds a couple of wrinkle
lines. JT turns back to camera and says in a shaky voice...]
JT I'm a very old man!
[CA just manages to keep a straight face at JT's impressive acting abilities!]
[INTRO CREDITS]
2. THE RAMBLERS
[the FS crew are in hiking gear, rambling through the countryside, singing
a traditional little ditty to keep them all cheerful. PW brings up the rear,
singing a little too keenly...]
All "...oh! I love to be, a knapsack on my back! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ree!
Fal-da-rah! Fal-da-rah! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ra-ha-ha-ha-ha-
-ha-ha-ha! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-rah! Fal-da-rah! With a knap-
sack on my back!"
3. CYNICAL GRAN
EM I've reached my goal weight, now. And I'm pretty optimistic that I won't
fall into the usual trap and put it all back on again.
AW Hah!
4. COLIN HUNT
[CH is in the corridor, being the usual prat, when he bumps into PW]
CH Wajnip-duk-doo! Oh, sorry.
PW Ha-ha! Er, yeah, excuse me, erm, could you tell me where the photo-
copier is, please?
CH Certainly burtonly, yes. If you go right down to the end of the corridor,
turn to your left, you go through the double doors, then you almost
immediately turn right, through two more sets of double doors, right down
the end of the corridor where you have to catch a bus! Hu-hu-hur! And
you go fourteen stops, then you need to get an aeroplane, change twice -
once at Singapore - then you...
PW Yes, I-I am actually in a little bit of a hurry.
CH Yeah. Sorry, yes. Sorry, yeah. Down the end of the corridor, to the left,
er, through the double doors, turn right through two more double doors -
that's where you need to catch the bus, then you...
[slight pause as PW slaps CH lightly in the face, much to CH's astonishment]
CH Yeah, sorry, no, you - only jokin'. No, you dig a tunnel there...
[slight pause for another slap]
CH No you don't, there's a- a door on your right. You can't miss it. It says on
it, "Lord Astrogoth's Dungeon"!
[slight pause for another slap]
CH No it- no, it doesn't. It says, "Print Room". Huh! Huh! You go in there -
watch out for the man-traps!
[slight pause for another slap. CH is a little more compliant now.]
CH ...and that's where the photocopier is.
[PW slaps him again, out of habit. CH looks a little put out]
CH No, it is!
PW Oh, right - sorry.
[pause]
PW Thank you very much. Now, that wasn't too difficult, was it?
CH No.
PW No. Right.
[PW walks off down the corridor. CH smiles and says out of PW's earshot]
CH It's out of order, though.
[slight pause as CH goes the other way]
CH Oh! The bellth! The bellth! Thanctuary! Ethmeralda!
5. BOB MONKFISH
[two Landrovers are tearing along country lanes and over stone bridges]
PW Coming soon to the BBC, a brand new drama series, featuring JOHN ACTOR
as Monkfish - a tough, uncompromising, undercover cop - in, "Monkfish:
Undercover Cop".
[cut to a dingy street. three obvious crooks are walking down a paved
road, talking to each other. AW is in hooker garb, soliciting at the side
of the street. SD comes around the corner, in a one-man-band guise,
surruptitiously following the three men...]
SD Boom-crash! Boom-crash! Boom-crash!
[...only, he's making a hell of a noise with the base drum on his back, and
the cymbals between his knees etc. suddenly, the men stop and look
back. SD freezes, and looks down at the ground, innocently. reassured,
the men carry on walking again]
SD Boom-crash! Boom-crash! Boom-crash!
[the men stop and turn around for a second time. SD goes into "invisible"
mode again, and the men carry on for a few more steps]
SD Boom-crash! Boom-crash! Boom-crash!
[again, the men stop and look round, then turn back. AW decides to try
her luck with SD, and approaches him, eyebrows raised questioningly]
SD You - put yer knickers on an' make me a cup o' tea!
6. TAFFY
PW I was goin' to run that London marathon, this year, I was. Then I realised,
I couldn't be bothered. Too much like bloody exercise, innit?
7. BLACK!
[CH and AW are in the countryside, painting landscapes]
CH That's a lovely green, isn't it?
AW That's lovely. So lush. Just bursting with life.
CH Yes, and the thing is - the funny thing with colour - is that I just need to
mix in a little bit of purple to set the green off.
AW Mm. As a sort of visual echo to the purple in the heather, hm?
CH Yes, that's right. That's right. Now I must... not get too carried away with
the green. Remember to leave some room... for that road and that little
house, over there.
AW Mm. I love the, er, dark V that hill's making on the horizon.
CH Yes, it's very dark, isn't it? It's, er, almost... black.
AW Johnny!
CH Yes, I shall... I shall need to get the black out.
AW Johnny!
CH Yes. Black! Black! BLACK! Like the clouds of DEATH that follow me into
the Forest of DOOM! And hide in the wardrobe of DARKNESS! BLACK!
[CH smudges black all over his painting]
CH BLACK! BLACK!
[now he does the same to AW's painting]
CH BLACK! BLACK!
[then CH kicks the paint box over]
CH BLACK! Listen! Listen! Do you HEAR? The moon is weeping in a secret
room! They tap at my window, with tiny pools!
[slight pause]
AW I-I think we'd better be going home now, Johnny.
CH Oh! Oh! The monks are troubled and full of woe! I'm a fly! Trapped in a
bottle of shadows!
8. WITH MY REPUTATION?
PW Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wimbledon? Here? In a sixth form girl's
dormitory? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation?
[slight pause]
PW (What were they thinking of?)
[PW gives us a wry grin]
9. JAZZ CLUB
JT Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club. Niiische. Tonight, a jazz neophite -
classical violinist, Justin Palmer. Justin has been a lifelong devotee of jazz,
and it's always been his dream to... break free from the restrictions and
constraints of classical music. Daddio. And fly as free as a bird in the
sphere of jazz. Wwwonderful. He's gathered together some of the greats
of contemporary jazz. And his wife. The innocent and the proven. He's
called the combo, "Justin Palmer's Meltin' Pot". And I'm sure you'll recognise
Pips McCall, Boney Gudgeon, Doodles Bronson. Schmokin'. Unfortunately,
the legendary Horn Finger - who was to be playing with them tonight - is
riddled with syphilis and self-doubt. So, Clean-Air Kennedy has stepped in
at the last moment, to fill the horn stool. Grrreat! So, Justin - classical
deserter and self-proclaimed heroin addict - you've come to jazz, now play
it.
[the band strikes up. PW starts playing a classical music lead, against the
band's jazz music. it doesn't work. CA looks totally wasted]
10. PUBLIC SCHOOL DAYS REMEMBERED
MW Well played.
[slight pause]
MW As Michaelmas term wore on, we all eagerly await apple dunking. Which
took place here, at big school hall. Ha-ha-ha! Boys would hang over the
edge of the barrel, and attempt to capture a bite of sweet apple using only
their nimble lips and teeth. The Headmaster would patrol the perimeter of
the barrel, vigilant to misdemeanours, and woe-betide any young gentlemen
who attempted to use his hands. For he would receive a stinging reprimand
on the seat of his pants, from the Headmaster's ever-twitching cane.
[pause as MW regresses back into childhood]
MW STOP THROWING SPROUTS!
11. COME AGAIN?
[CH is leading SD through a library]
CH The atlases are all down this way. Erm, I suppose you really just want
London, don't you?
SD Yeah. Just a history, really - how London's changed.
CH Yeah, I know the sort of thing you need. Yeah.
[CH bends down to a lower bookshelf]
CH Ooh! Ooh, I'm sorry - I've just come.
[SD isn't quite sure he heard CH correctly]
CH Erm, have you seen this book? It's a sort of social history of landmarks.
It's nice.
SD Yeah, I've seen it.
CH I know what we do have.
[CH climbs the steps to a high shelf]
CH It's a history of- ooh! Ooh, sorry - I've just come again.
[SD has a distinctly distasteful look on his face now]
CH Yes, ?? ask you will of me ?? ooh, no. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to have
a sit down.
12. THE RAMBLERS
[the FS crew are climbing up a hillside track. PW is still out-singing them]
All "I love to sing, a knapsack on my back! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-
rah! Fal-da-rah! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-ra-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Fal-da-ree! Fal-da-rah!..."
13. NO OFFENCE
AW How would you like to pay?
F1 Credit card OK?
AW Well - a word of advice - aren't you just relying on the never-never? Can
you actually afford an exclusive scent such as this. You see, I notice your
not wearing a wedding ring. Which - given your age - means your divorced,
or a lesbian. In either case, you might like to ask yourself if, in fact, scent
isn't just a complete waste of time. No offence.
14. MONSTER, MONSTER
[PW appears at a woman's bedroom window, in Uncle Fester/Dracula guise.
F1 is sleeping, but awakes when PW hovers over her, menacingly. she
screams loudly, but all PW does is talk to camera...]
PW Lucky Boy in the two-thirty at Chepthtow. Put your thirt on it. It'th a
thert! Monthter! Monthter!
15. INDECISIVE DAVE
MW Now - him and Seaman - they are England. They're our best players.
SD You reckon? I'm not convinced, mate.
MW Dave, what do you think? Shearer - good or bad?
[pause as PW can't decide which way the wind's blowing]
PW Well...
SD Oh, he's totally over-rated. He's your classic English centre-foward. He
runs up an' down all day, all 'urly-burly. Nah - to build a team 'round him's
madness.
PW Yeah.
MW He's strong, though - in' he?
PW Yeah.
MW No one can shake him off the ball.
PW Yeah.
SD Yeah, but that's not enough, is it?
PW No.
[slight pause]
MW What about his positional play, then? I mean, he's not just a goal-hanger.
I mean, he puts in plenty of crosses for other people to score off.
PW That's true, yeah.
SD Granted, he can cross the ball.
MW With both feet.
PW Yeah.
[slight pause]
MW Good pace.
PW Yeah.
SD Yeah - but pace, strength and intelligence are not enough in the modern
game!
PW No, you're right.
MW All right, then - how this: I've seen him score from six yards, an' then he'll
turn thirty yards out, and bang one straight in the top corner o' the net.
Plus, he is England's first choice as captain.
PW Yeah. He's brilliant, in' he?
SD No - yeah, he's brilliant. Yeah.
MW And he could fit in any team in the world!
PW Genius. Mind you, he does look a tit in ?? new messah face isles ??, dun'
he?
MW Yeah.
SD Yeah.
16. JESSE'S FASHION TIPS
MW This year, I will be mostly wearin'... Issi Biacchi!
17. GOLDEN MOMENTS WITH TOMMY COCKLES / ARTHUR ATKINSON
SD Hello, there. Tommy Cockles, here. We're now going to see an episode of
Arthur Atkinson's unpopular sit-com, "Blame Arthur!". It was filmed at the
BBC, in the fifties, live, in front of a live audience. And in those days, you
really had to know your lines, or the whole trifle fell off the table.
Frequently, Arthur forgot his. But you couldn't tell, as he was often talkin'
rubbish, anyway. Watch out for the kitchen table in this clip. It later
appeared in The Onedin Line and When The Boat Comes In.
[cut to JT drinking a cup of tea in the parlour. PW falls into the room]
PW Oh!
JT You all right, Arthur? Where's yer glasses?
PW I don't need glasses!
[PW stumbles about the room, finally knocking in to the table]
JT Oh!
PW Oh! Look, Chester - you've spilt the tea!
JT No, you've split it, Arthur. Put yer glasses on.
PW Ho-ho! That's right, "Blame Arthur!"
[pause as everyone freezes while the shows jingle plays. PW opens the
newspaper at the table]
PW Well, I see the price o' coal is fallin'.
JT You've got it upside-down! Put yer glasses on!
PW Oh! I see the price o' coal is risin'!
JT 'ey, Arthur - you are done up like a dog's dinner. Yer after that rich widow.
After marryin' 'er, an' gettin' yer feet under't table.
PW Really, Chester. How dare you imply such base motives. She is merely a...
[PW can't make out what it says on his idiot board. PW mouths what looks
suspiciously like, "I'll fuckin' 'ave you!" to it's holder]
PW ...friend.
[the doorbell rings. pause as PW answers it. it's a frumpy looking AW]
AW Ooh, Arthur!
PW Oh, Mavis - you're lookin' better than ever!
AW I'm over here, Arthur!
JT Put yer glasses on!
PW I don't need glasses!
AW Ooh, Arthur!
PW Ooh, Chester - it's the dustman. Pay the big hairy brute, will yer?
AW Ooh, Arthur!
[PW finally dons his glasses, and is startled with the reality of AW]
PW Whooh! Oooh! Oh!
[PW looks at his watch and suddenly stops acting]
PW Right - that's yer lot, isn't it?
JT But- but Arthur, we've- we've got another scene to do.
AW Yeah!
PW Yeah, there's no lines in it for me - so I'm off. Write my words up on the
board up for tomorrer!
18. CHEEKY CHECKOUT GIRL
CA Hiya, love. Oh, big box powder. 'ave you seen 'im who does that door
step challenge? Shite, 'im. It gets on my tit. An' a bag o' crisps. Who 'as
the beef ones in your 'ouse? No-one. Potatoes. I bet your tied to that
chip-pan, you. Oh - chocolate cake. You could do without a bit o' this,
love. A bit of a big bride, aren't ya? That's six pound eighteen, please.
19. EVEN BETTER THAN THAT
[a nervy EM is in the kitchen, making trifles, when MW appears at the door]
MW Hello, dear - how's it going?
EM Oh, getting there. Ha. Now, did you get the things we need for tonight?
The, er, tonic water, the wine, and the lemons?
MW Even better than that! I got a bread-bin based on a forty year old design,
a toilet roll holder with a picture of Margaret Thatcher on it, AND some
squid ink!
20. THE SUBMISSIVES
[PW and MM walk into a restaurant. PS shows them to a table and walks
off. PW and MM duly sit down. the table top comes up to their chins.
PW decides to call PS over to mention this]
PW Excuse me.
PS Yes, sir?
PW Ha! It's just that the, erm, the seats, er, are rather low.
PS But, er... the other customers?
[PS nods past PW, who turns to look around. everyone else is sat at their
height, eating their food like small children in a school canteen]
MM Can I have the menu, please?
PW Thanks very much.
21. ROLLIE BIRKIN
PW ...many years ago...in Shanghai! SHANGHAI!...stamp out piracy...I admit it,
I was quite flummoxed by an outrageous cat...there was a Chinese warlord,
by the name of...of the Times...I'm a very considerate lover...there was...
is that there's a permanent tap to the gall bladder of these bears...it was
swollen to twice it's usual size...yes, har-har-har-har!...surgeon, sandy
hair - obviously homosexual...but I liked him...took it off below the knee...
jabbering on and on...hhhhhhha!...made no difference to me. I'm afraid I
was very drunk!
22. THE FOOTBALL FAN
[JT is at a match, sat next to MW, who is in a matching Gunners shirt]
JT I'm really looking forward to the second half. Yes. Looking a bit grim there
for us then for a moment, wasn't it? Yeah. But that equalizer - that
really sorted us out. I think with that- with that boost in the second half,
we've got a good chance of hammering them. WHAT A GOAL, eh? Just-
No-one there! Nobody there! And just nodded it in.
MW It was disallowed. It was disallowed - it was offside.
JT They can't do that!
MW They did.
[slight pause]
JT So we're losing, then?
MW Yep.
[pause as JT finishes his thermos drink, then packs up his hamper!]
JT Well. Things to do. Nice to have met you.
[JT stands up, raises his fist in the air, clears his throat and shouts...]
JT Ahem! SOCCER!
23. COMPETITIVE DAD
[the school play is going on...]
G1 ...and kiss thy fair large ears, my gentle joy.
B1 Where's Peasblossom?
G2 ?? ferty ??
B1 Scratch my head, Peasblossom. Where's Monsieur Cobweb?
B2 Ready!
B1 Monsieur Cobweb. Good Monsieur. Get your weapons in hand...
[from the back, we hear the cries of...]
SD Boo!
B1 ...and kill me a red hot bumble bee...
SD Ssss!
B1 ...on top of a thistle.
SD Boo!
B1 Good Monsieur...
SD Get off!
B1 Do not fret yourself ??...
SD BOO! SSSS!
B1 -ception, for I have a...
[cut to back of the hall, to reveal SD and AW watching in semi-darkness]
SD SSSSSS! RUBBISH! GET OFF!
AW (Darling, that's your son!)
SD That's no excuse - he's RUBBISH! He's wooden! ?? is stilted, and his
understanding of ?? is pedestrian.
AW Well, I was enjoying it.
SD Yes. Well, you would enjoy anything - the hours you while away goggling
at soap operas. GET OFF!
AW Shhh!
SD Listen, my King Lear at Chorley Wood Grammar was a triumph! It left the
Headmaster in tears. And my bottom caused the drama teacher to faint.
And as for my ?? Sonny Boles ?? in cabaret - well, they're still talking about
it to this day. GET OFF! YOU'RE RUBBISH! SSSS! BOO! SSSS!
B1 ...Senor. Where's Monsieur Mustardseed?
[SD decides to mount the stage and take B1's place]
SD Lenny. Come on, Toby. This is no good! It's like a Sunday School play!
Let me show you how to do it. You must unlock the space between the
player and the audience. Occupy it, then paint your picture there. Here,
let me show you.
[slight pause as SD stands up and readies himself for his oratory...]
SD Give me your ?? kneave ?? Monsieur Mustardseed. Pray you, leave your
?? cortoseagobaseur ??.
[slight pause as SD waits for his cue. which doesn't come]
SD "What's your will?" Come on, I've given you the line. "What's your WILL?"
B2 What's your will?
SD Nothing could, Monsieur. But to help ?? cabinery ?? Cobweb to scratch. I
must to the barbers, Monsieur! For methinks I am marvellously hairy about
the face, and of such a tender arse.
[pause as SD decides to take over the entire production]
SD Lo, when! And crack your cheeks! Pray EXPLODE! Your ?? cut action hi
ocane spout ?? till you are finely trenched our steeples! DROWN thy
cocks!
[pause as SD runs off stage to grab a chair, then sits on it backwards]
SD "What use of sitting, alone in your room? Come hear the music PLAY! Life
is a cabaret, old chum - come here to cabaRET!"
24. THE RAMBLERS
[the FS crew are walking up a steep hill, looking rather tired. they still
manage to sing along - at least some of the time. PW at the end is still
belting it out, though]
All "...knapsack on... my back. Fal-da-ree. Fal-da-ree. Fal-da-rah. Fal-da-
rah. Fal-da-ree. Fal-da-ree..."
PW "Fal-da-ra-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! FAL-DA-REE! FAL-DA-RAH! My knapsack on
my back! I love to go a-wandering!..."
25. HARDEST GAME IN THE WORLD
[M1 walks into pub. SD, as barman, gives him a free beer]
SD Awight, mate? I saw you fight last week at the Civic 'all. I fought you
done very well. There ya go, mate - 'ave that on the 'ouse.
[M1 nods in appreciation. PW sidles over to the bar next to M1]
PW 'ey. You a boxer then, are ya? Eh? Ha-ha! In the old fighting game, are
ya? I tell ya what, it's the hardest game in the world, innit? Eh? The old
fight game?
[PW does some half-hearted shadow boxing]
PW Ah. Oh, yeah. I used to do it meself, y'know. Yeah. I was a boxer thirty
years man and boy, I was. Hardest game in the world. Yeah. I come out
of Bethnel Green, I do. Yeah. I know Charlie Magny - all them boys, yeah.
[slight pause]
PW Four 'undred professional fights, I 'ad. Yeah. I lost every single one.
[pause]
PW Both me retinas detached. Yeah. Yeah. What really put the kaibosh on it,
though, was a very bad back injury I got when I fell off of a bus. Yeah.
I 'ad two barbel out on Saturday. Yeah. One on span, an' the other on
double caster over a bed of 'emp. Yeah. After that it was all eels. Huh.
Although Stan did 'ave a nice pike on. He lost it though. Yeah. Went
through the six pahnd line like cotton! Yeah. D'you like the music of Elvis
Presley?
[slight pause]
PW Only, I prefer Frank Sinatra, meself.
[M1 has had enough, and walks over to a table. PW perseveres]
PW Yeah. I tell ya what - if Ronnie an' Reggie was around be a lot less trouble,
wouldn't there, eh? Any road, be lucky.
26. PATRICK NICE
MW Louise and I met at university. And it really was love at first sight. And we
couldn't wait to get married. And then children just sort of happened. And
we've been really lucky. I mean, we're still friends and lovers - even after
fifteen years.
[slight pause as MW sniffs, before revealing...]
MW And last Tuesday, Louise had her first orgasm. Which was nice.
27. NORTHERN MEN
[MW and SD are standing in a dark street. MW is smoking]
MW Aye, yer not wrong, Mike. Ah were on't bins while fifteen year, an' Ah tell
ya - the money's nowt.
SD Aye, it's shite.
MW Eh, up.
[MW spots a car pulling up. CH leans over to the passenger window]
CH 'ow much?
MW Tenner fer't straight sex, twenny fer't French.
[slight pause]
CH Get in.
MW See ya later, Mike.
SD Mind 'ow ya go, son.
28. TAFFY
PW I tell ya what, I got three birds on the go at the moment.
[slight pause]
PW Bloody knackered, I am!
[slight pause]
PW Anyone want a toffee crisp?
29. DAVE ANGEL, ECO WARRIOR
F1 "In a moonlight shadow, he passed on worried and warning, carried away
by a moonlight shadow, lost in a riddle that sends..."
[SD is sat his in lounge, drinking whisky and watching television]
MM 'allo, babe. What'cha watchin'?
SD It's a documen'ary, about a hill tribe in Papua New Guinea. The ?? Ileaf ??
indians. Their lifestyle's bein' threatened by developers, an' they're bull-
dozin' down their 'omes.
MM Yeah? Who's in it?
SD Whaddaya mean, "Who's in it?" It's not a film - it's real life! It's a
documentary.
MM Why don't they live in 'ouses? Don't they like towns?
SD There aren't any towns in the jungle, you doughnut! They live in the forest
canopy. Their lifestyle's remained unaltered for thousands o' years! An'
now it's been ruined!
MM What about Rashid, down the Cash 'n' Carry. He's an Indian. He's got an
'ouse. Nice 'ouse, an' all.
[slight pause SD hangs his head]
MM Would you like a sandwich, babe?
SD No, I don't! I'm upset!
[MM sits down on the settee to comfort SD]
MM Why, babe?
SD Because o' the programme, sweet'eart. It's very upsetting! There's only
so many 'ill tribes left!
[pause as SD takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes]
MM 'ave a bit o' nice pork pie.
[slight pause]
SD Yeah, go on then. Give us 'alf a fry with some salt on then, please.
[MM gets up off the settee. SD improvises a playful smack on her bottom
as she leaves. SD can't help smiling - bet he got a slap for that!]
30. PUBLIC SCHOOL DAYS REMEMBERED
MW "...in our reverence, praise!" Once a year - after Founder's Ball - the
captains of rugger, soccer, cricket, hockey, rowing, and bridge, would
assemble all the boys of lower school on the clanks, and burn their teddy-
bears.
31. RON MANAGER
SD So, apparently, Alex Ferguson's ?? inch used ?? a nookie-ban, Ron.
PW Ha-ha-ha-har!
SD I shouldn't think they needed to do in your day, Ron.
PW Oh-ho-ho-ho! No! Hur! No, it hadn't been invented when we were playing.
Innit, Tommy? Isn't it? Ah! No, no - I think George Best discovered it.
Isn't it? Wasn't it? Didn't he? Ha-ha-ha-har! Oh! No, all we were
interested in in those days was a - you know - nice pint of best with a
creamy head and a soft pouch of ready rubbed! Hm? No, we were always
very focussed before a game. Weren't we? Wasn't it? Hm?
SD So no "slap an' tickle" then, Ron?
PW Nope.
MW Or "hanky panky".
PW No. None of your "whoopsie daisy", either. Ha! Ooh, no - you didn't want
that sort of thing on the brain before a game. No, no, no - we were always
very focussed. No. We concentrated on the four key attributes: concent-
ration, understanding of the game, nous and tenacity.
SD Well, that's a lot to remember for today's modern footballers, Ron. They're
not exactly blessed with over-intelligence, are they? You'd hardly call
them, erm, Mensa candidates, for instance.
PW Hu-huh! Mensa they're not. Isn't it? Aren't they? No. Mm? So... no,
there's a simple, er, mnemonic. You know, it's, er, concentration, under-
standing, nous and tenacity. C - U - N...
[slight pause as PW's eyes widen when he realises what it spells]
MW Tenacity, Ron.
PW No, er, enjoyment. E. C - U - N - E. Cune. You see? That's easy to
remember, isn't it? Hm?
MW Oh, Ron - I always had you down for a Tenacity, Integrity and Tenacity
again man.
SD I always thought you were more of a Application, Resourcefulness, Strength
and Enjoyment man myself, Ron.
[pause as SD puts his thumb up and winks. PW has to work it out for a few
seconds - we see his lips move - before standing up and pointing at SD]
PW Now, wait a minute - I like you, but THAT'S THE LANGUAGE OF THE
SNOOKER HALL, ISN'T IT?
MW Ron! Ron! Ron! Not on T.V. Come on, let's give a Mexican wave. Follow
me.
[situation now defused, all three jump up from their seats, waving in turn]
32. SWISS TONI
CH Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
[slight pause]
CH You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give
every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice
wet sponge.
[slight pause]
M1 All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni. When are we gonna sell one?
CH What is it that women want, Paul?
M1 I don't know. Babies, probably.
CH You're a Neanderthal, Paul.
M1 What's that?
CH Caveman. You're living in prehistoric times. Let me tell you what the
sophisticated, modern, liberated nineties ladies like. They like fine wines,
Belgian chocolates, Hello! magazine, and the smell of a pipe.
M1 Right-oh.
CH Did I ever tell you about the time I was on St. Lucia? Met a girl on the
beach. She was young, and dark, and fruity. And she had on the tiniest -
I mean, the tiniest - bikini that I have ever seen. And when I took her up
to my room, she took it off. She had the most extraordinary...
[usual C9 interference suddenly takes over]
33. CHANEL 9 / PISSI BIR
[a party is going on in C9 advert land. balloons, disco music, dancing etc.]
PW Pissi?
CH Oh, Pissi!
CA Oh, Pissi! A-ha-ha-ha!
All "Oh, Pissi! Pissi, Pissi Bir! Pissi Bir! Pissi, Pissi Bir! Pissi Bir! Pissi es es
si!
Pissi fit for me! Bay keh es es si! For me, drinking pissi! Oh, pissi! Oh,
pissi! Pissi es es si..."
CH Pissi! Effervescente! Cool! Rifrechimento! Pissi! Ton dia cona ton duavo
generatione!
PW Elimenatop!
34. THE RAMBLERS
[the FS crew are now completely knackered. they are plodding slowly up
a hill. none of them are singing. except PW, who must be on something]
PW "...e'er I go, I love to sing! My knapsack on my back! Fal-da-ree! Ha-ha
ha-ha-ha! Fal-da-rah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fal-da-ree! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Fal-da-ra-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fal-da-ree! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fal-da-rah! My
knap-
[MW can't stand it any longer - he stops, turns round and punches PW
squarely on the nose to shut him up!]
[END CREDITS]
35. THE FOOTBALL FAN
[JT is still in his reds at the match, sat next to MW. PW is in front of them]
JT ...of course, it wasn't always like that. I-I-I-I used to support, er,
Manchester United. But then, you had to support them, where I came
from, in, erm, Hampstead.
36. THE FOOTBALL FAN
JT ...and then, I used to like Blackburn Rovers, and I'm thinking of giving
Newcastle Athletic a try. But - no, no - I'm a true, blue gunner dooner.
Bang!
37. THE FOOTBALL FAN
[the crowd are going wild. except MW and PW, who hang their heads]
JT OHH! GOAL! Did you SEE THAT? WHAT a good goal! It was a- it was a-
[slight pause]
JT It was a good goal, wasn't it? I mean, i-it was the other side, but, God - what a
goal!
[JT decides to stand up and holler...]
JT GOOD GOAL, SIR!
[it's a wonder he hasn't been murdered yet...]
[eof 3#2]
Sorry for the delay. This one's been proof-read.
--
Bon Scott
Brian Soper
Shame this ain't a Binaries newsgroup.....We could all swap silly sound
files an' stuff!
--
Brian
Bon Scott
>Great Work, Great gags, Great show...............BRILLIANT!!!
>
>Shame this ain't a Binaries newsgroup.....We could all swap silly sound
>files an' stuff!
Got #3 done today, but have yet to check it. Will post tomorrow. Demon
came down on me like a ton of bricks with my original binary zip posts.
I only did it to retain the formatting. Thought this morning I might
convert them to HTML - so they do - and post them on my web page at some
point. Maybe compile them into clip sequence too, so all the Ron
Manager's are in the same place etc. My favourite's got to be Johnny
Artist. Look how dark the clouds are over there. Yes, they're very
dark, aren't they. Almost... black.
--
Bon Scott
"We crawl on our knees towards our doom! Onward, death! Rrrr-woof! Rrrr-woof!
Brian Soper
Web-site here so all us addicts can get a fix!!
As to favourites..........I feel almost unfaithful to the rest of the
characters by trying to choose, but apart from thinking that the whole cast,
in particular Mssrs. Whitehouse & Higson are geniuses, I do like a lot of
Simon day's characters!
--
Brian
Bon Scott
It'll be quite a task, I reckon. Maybe just the regulars though, not
the one-off's. T&R, Jazz Man, RM, Swiss etc. Single file with some
jump-points at the top, probably.
> Don't forget to post a link to the
>Web-site here so all us addicts can get a fix!!
Will do. Got some simple pages done yesterday, though it'll take
another week or two to do the rest. Down to the last 3 or 4 episodes,
now. I'm converting the Doc's to 4-colour HTML - I can retain the text
formatting that way, too. Makes it easier to read in a table (don't
mention Tabs). Thought I'd zip the original Wordpad docs for each
series if anyone wants to print them out.
>Mssrs. Whitehouse & Higson
Yep, they duly take most of the credit, but I think even they were
surprised at how well SD/MW/AW/JT can hold their own. Not just in what
they write, but the way they play the characters (adopted personas).
Caught the mad petrol station guy yesterday (MW). "Down hole? With an
OWL?" I don't know where they get it from...
Thought I might try and get PW's blessing via the Beeb, too. Just in
case they don't like the idea. Not that I'm paranoid, or anything.
--
Bon Scott
PS: Someone sittin' there, mate.
Brian Soper
Copyright can be a bit of a minefield, so it might be a good idea to seek
permission, first!
Love the mad petrol station guy " Stuck down 'ole, in the dark, with an
ow'el "
--
Brian
Now , you give me a couple of pound coins, just for a minute........that's
you sorted......what, you're still down are you.......OK, give us back that
fiver and 'old on to these pound coins.........................
Bon Scott
series 3, not six - but I will not give in to gravity! Ah, well -
what's another 2/3 days...
Been on Comedy Zone and other fan sites too. Finally found out the
proper names of many of the sketches. Some are pretty obscure insider
only ones, like "The Anxious Poor" and "Interesting Life". Still, I've
renamed all the old scripts as appropriate. Think I might have a page
describing the sketches with their catchphrases and players.
The "Stuck down 'ole" sketch is called "Directions", btw. Award
winning, apparently. Can see why with MW's manic expression!
--
Bon Scott
"You lock me in the cellar and feed me pins! Pins! Pins!"
Brian Soper
Well, you know at least a couple of grateful fans!
I can't help thinking of the similarity between "Directions" and the
"Prozac" version of "Jesse's diets"
--
Brian