Transcript of 'Welcome to Hell'?
Big Bad Harvey
to Hell'. I had a copy, but lost it, and it was a very popular skit to read
at meetings of the Monty Python Society up here at PSU. If anyone could
please post a copy of the skit, I would very much appreciate it. Thanx in
advance!
--Neale, aka Big Bad Harvey
Anders R. Mohn
A warm welcome..
Ah, hello!, It's nice to see you all here.
Now, as the more perceptive of you probably realized by now - this is Hell,
and I'm the devil - good evening - but you can call me Toby if you like. We
try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just alittle joke,
I tell it every time.
Now, you're all here for...eternity, oooh, which, I hardly need to tell you, is
a heck of a long time. Ahh.. so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by
the end.
But for now, I'll have to split you into groups.
Will you stop screaming?!
Thank you...
Now, murderers...murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters
and pillagers over here. Thieves, if you could join them? And lawyers, you're in
that lot.
Fornicators, if you could step forward..... MY GOD, there are a lot of you.
Can I split you up in adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers, if you could
just form a line in front of that small gillioutine in the corner there, thank
you. Ahh, the French, are you here? Ok, if you'd just like to come down here
with the Germans, that'll be fine thank you. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk
about. Ok, ahh,Atheists. Atheists over here, please. You must be feeling a right
bunch of nitwits. I say, look at them. Oh my oh my..
And finally, Christians. Christians! Ah, yes. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid the
Jews were right. If you could come down here, that would be very kind.
Ok. Right. Well, are there any questions..?
Yes? No I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you'd read your bible, you'd
might have seen that it was "damnation WITHOUT relief", so if you didn't go be-
fore you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much.
But then, I believe that's the idea. Ok, well it's over to you, Adolf, and I'll
catch you all later at the barbeque. Bye!
Cheers,
Anders.
================================================================================
Anders Reed Mohn, 2DT 94/95 | No, you're right. I don't speak for my employer.
Agder College Of Engineering | I haven't got one.
N-4890 GRIMSTAD | No, I don't speak for my organization either.
NORWAY | Who would..?
an...@aid.no |
Ander...@ban.aid.no | God is real, unless declared integer.
WWW homepage: http://www.aid.no/otherhome/andmo/homepage.html
Big Bad Harvey
>Path: news.cac.psu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!ames!waikato!comp.vuw.ac.nz!gcs.co.nz!amigans!crash.wanganui.gen.nz!starman
>Subject: Re: Transcript of 'Welcome to Hell'?
>Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder
>References: <wnl100.3...@psu.edu> <3hv2ec$2...@ratatosk.uninett.no>
>Organization: BASTARDS INCORPORATED
>Reply-To: sta...@crash.wanganui.gen.nz
>Distribution: world
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>From: sta...@crash.wanganui.gen.nz (Robin Halligan)
>Message-ID: <starma...@crash.wanganui.gen.nz>
>Date: Wed, 22 Feb 95 23:03:52 +1200
>Lines: 71
>Hi Anders R. Mohn On 16 Feb 1995 08:30:03 GMT YOU WROTE:
>>Here's my transcription. enjoy :)
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! This was posted at the perfect time! Now I have it for
the radio show we do here...thanx so much Robin :)
>--
>sta...@crash.wanganui.gen.nz (Robin Halligan)
>Amigans Public Access UUCP Node Wanganui New Zealand
Robin Halligan
Well here is the version off the Live in Belfast album
Ah, all right hello!, It's nice to see you all here.
Now, as the more perceptive of you probably realized by now - this is Hell,
and I'm the devil - good evening - um but you can call me Toby if you like.
We try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just
a little joke, Now, you're all here for...eternity, which, I hardly
need to tell you, is a sod of a long time. Ahh.. so you'll all get to know
each other pretty well by the end.
But for now, I'll have to split you into groups.
are there any questions?.
yes....
Um no I'm afraid we don't have any toilets , If you'd read your
bibles you might have seen it was damnation without relief. so if you
didn't go before you came then i'm afraid your not going to enjoy yourself very
much but i believe thats the idea
Right lets split you up then. Can you all here me still Can you here me up the
rack. good
Will you stop screaming?!
Thank you...
Now, murderers...murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters and
pillagers over here. Thieves, if you could join them? And bank managers.
Fornicators, if you could step forward..... MY GOD, there are a lot of you.
Could I split you up in adulterers and the rest.
Adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small
gillioutine Ok . Ahh, the Americans, are you here? yes look i'm sorry about
this apparently god had some frackar with your founding fathers and damned
the entire race inpurpituity he sends particular condolences to the mormons
who he realizes put in a lot of work but thats the way the wafer crumbles.
The Iranians i'm afraid can't be with us Someone's been holding them in
purgatory for about nine months.
sodomites over there against the wall.
Ok, ahh,Atheists. Atheists over here, please. You must be feeling a right
bunch of charlies. And , Christians. Christians! Ah, yes. I'm sorry, but
I'm afraid the Jews were right. Ok moonies, maniacs, Marmite eaters,
male models, masochists, Mass murders and masseurs if take a pew at the back
with the methodists. Now your the lot who used to kill whales is that right
ahh yes i
must remember i've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.
Now everyone who saw Monty pythons Life Of Brian ... ahh yes i'm afraid he
can't take a joke after all.
all right one finale thing were trying to implement a kind of exchange
scheme with the lord god almighty or cliff as we know him.
some of you will travel up and have a decade in haven and were having some
angles down here. Now i hardly need tell you that in haven you will be
expected to behave in an exemplary manner so i hope you do the exact opposite
tear off there wings use there halos for frisby practice.
But i have to go now but belezebub here will show you the ropes and the
chains and electrodes and i'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of
mine if i may quit apt to the circumstances i feel it goes something like
um.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Death
Death Wh---
--
sta...@crash.wanganui.gen.nz (Robin Halligan)
Amigans Public Access UUCP Node Wanganui New Zealand
Rimmer: So who do we entrust our lives to? Holly, with an IQ of over 12,000
and with a total understanding of Astrophysics, or Lister, who,
and let's be fair about this, is a complete gimp.
- from "White Hole"