Text of all bills routines?
Christine Gartner
Pete
Dervish
mona lisa?
Theres a transcription of Relentless on Dark Sounds, If I remember rightly.
"Christine Gartner" <verycr...@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:sCPR9.16973$jM5....@newsfeeds.bigpond.com...
Covenant
> Does anybody know where I can read texts of Bill hicks routines?
>
> Pete
Can't recall where I got this.....
Covenant
A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands
IT'S JUST A RIDE
FROM THE VIDEO TOTALLY BILL HICKS
Transcribed by Simon Coyle
[Bill Hicks]:
The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on
it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the
ride goes up and down and around and around and it has thrills and chills
and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud. And it's fun, for a
while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to
question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have
remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't
be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride."
[Richard Jeni]:
He was the type of guy that, you'd watch him as a comedian, and you'd kind
of feel bad. You kinda go, you know I really should be doing more of this
kinda thing. I really should be telling the truth more often.
[Bill Hicks]:
'Cause I've greased my hair and I'm a little fucking poet tonight, alright,
I'm the little dark poet, that's who I am.
[Allan Havey]:
Bill had a lack of concern. He wasn't concerned with what the audience
thought, who would boo him, he wasn't concerned with how it would affect his
business, he just said what he wanted to say.
[Mary Hicks]:
I said to Bill, you know you are just that far from being a preacher, and he
said, I am a preacher.
[Bill Hicks]:
My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see
asked.
[John Lahr - Critic, The New Yorker]:
He's really an ass-kicking comedian, the best kind, the only kind that
matters, when jokes mean... jokes are meant to kill.
[Bill Hicks]:
Ohohoh, quickly, how many non-smokers are here tonight? By round of
applause, let's hear non-smokers. (round of applause. Bill lights a
cigarette) Good.
[Bill Hicks]:
I love being in New York, I love running the bum gauntlet down every street.
God I hate those guys, man. The very idea they want me to give them the
hard-earned money my folks send to me every week. Leech, get a job. My dad
works eight hours a day for this quarter. I mean, the nerve.
[Richard Belzer]:
Many good artists have an inner voice, and for whatever reason some people
can hear their inner voice and others can't and I think his was one of
questioning what was going on around him, from religion, to politics, to
sexuality, drug use, evolution, um, he was just a very engaged person who
felt compelled to make comedic chestnuts out of all these complex issues,
and he was clearly gifted at it. And challenged not only his audiences but I
think other comedians.
[Preacher]:
It's time that we as God's people took a stand and said to our kids, "No!
No!"
[Bill Hicks]:
A lot of Christians where crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus
comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to
Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. "Hey Jackie, just
thinking of John."
[Mary Hicks]:
The first time we heard about Bill performing on-stage was at our church
camp when he was thirteen years old. And I heard about it from some of the
ladies in my Sunday school class, who asked me if Bill had gone to church
camp, which he had, and then one of the ladies told me that her son said
that he was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. So after Sunday school I
went to our assistant pastor who had been the camp pastor and asked him what
Bill did. And he said, "Well Mary, he's very funny. But you may look at how
you raised him."
[Bill Hicks]:
The prince of peace is back! But he's pissed off! Fuck you Pilate!
[Jim Hicks]:
I couldn't undertand why Bill used the f-word so much, and I think I said,
well Bill I don't hear Bob Hope using it, or any other well-known comedian.
And of course he didn't like that and I don't think he liked Bob Hope too
much or anybody that I would mention so, he took issue with that statement.
[Bill Hicks]:
I did that joke in Alabama, and these three rednecks met me after the show.
"Hey buddy, c'mere. Hey Mister Comedian, c'mere." Yeah, I love that move
(makes shoving motion) "C'mere!" Not a physics major, I think that's a safe
bet. "Mister Funnyman, c'mere. Hey buddy, we're Christians and we don't like
what you said." I said, then forgive me.
[Jay Leno]:
He was that odd sort of person that he could sort of hate where he came
from, but love it too, I mean, some of his most savage attacks would be on
religious or things in the south, yet that's where he came from, so he could
go home... He could alternately love it and hate it at the same time.
[Bill Hicks]:
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year, after the show I went to a Waffle
House, I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm
reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me, "Tch tch tch tch. Hey,
what you readin' for?" Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've
ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for. Well,
godammit, you stumped me. Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I guess I read for
a lot of reasons, and the main one, is so I don't end up, being a fucking
waffle waitress.
[Brett Butler]:
Bill and I both shared the love of the south, and it's sweetness, and just
really, originality, it's one of the few really still original places, I
think, in America. And Bill knew that. But any time you love something that
much, you see all of it's flaws, ten-fold.
[Bill Hicks]:
But then... this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me, and
goes, "Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader." What the fuck's going on
here? It's not like I walked into a clan rally in a Boy George outfit,
godammit, it's a book!
[Dwight Slade]:
Well, 1978, the Comedy Workshop opened up in Houston, Texas, and it was very
exciting for us, we were fifteen years old, and this was what we were
waiting for. But the support from our parents to leave our homes, on a
school night, and go to a nightclub, it was unrelentless. We couldn't do it,
we were grounded basically for the rest of our adolescence. And the only way
to do it was to sneak out, so Kevin Booth would drive up, Bill would sneak
out of his window and drive over to my house, I would sneak out of my house,
we would get in the car, go down to the Workshop and do our sets, under the
pretences that we were at the library.
[Kevin Booth]:
It was very strange, I mean we were all under-age, in fact I think Bill and
Dwight had to have some kind of a special permit to be allowed to perform,
so it was very weird going from our high school keg parties and everything,
to this adult world. And then, is what really made it weird, was when Bill
kinda started to rule this adult world. And he wasn't even old enough to be
drinking alcohol yet and all of a sudden he was blowing the other older
comedians off the stage.
[Steve Hicks]:
I knew he was writing these jokes, but I did not what that meant, and one
time I was home from college I guess, and he said, "Come down to the Comedy
Workshop," which was a place in Houston. And I said, well, why, I'd never
been to a comedy club, it just wasn't a big thing, and he said, "well just
come down there tonight." So I went down that night, and I couldn't believe
it, he was a superstar already, he was like fifteen years old, maybe
fourteen years old, and there was a sold-out show, lines waiting to get in,
and that was my brother, I couldn't believe it.
[Bill Hicks]:
Not a time to quit smoking, kids, but I fucking did it. And yes, I miss 'em.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right
now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus, and
moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now.
[Jay Leno]:
He really wasn't a comedian when I met him, he was, starting to be a
comedian, I mean I knew him, god, twelve, thirteen years, he was still a
kid, he was in high school, and I was playing in Austin, and he would come
and listen, you know, when you're a comedian, you've been on TV, inevitably,
the comedy club owner always says, oh, there's a group of people in the
city, would you talk to them about comedy? Okay, so, one of the afternoons,
you go down, you talk to them about comedy, I think he had a comedy workshop
at this club, and ah... I always find when you're teaching comedy, the one
who sort of gets up in disgust and leaves and thinks you're a jerk is
usually the best comedian in the room.
[David Letterman]:
What I liked about Bill was, here is a guy that nobody knew, myself
included, who had a swagger to his demeanor. Both physical and emotional
swagger. And I just liked that for no good reason, for no justifiable
reason, I'm cocky, you know, nobody knows me - too bad. You could almost see
him, sorta just, turning his shoulder to the audience.
[Bill Hicks]:
I've got material planned, I didn't say I'd take fucking requests. OK? I
said if you wanted to hear it, I'd stay, I'm not a jukebox. I dunno how much
AIDS scare y'all, but I got a theory - the day they come out with a cure for
AIDS. Guaranteed, one-shot cure. On that day, there's gonna be fucking in
the streets, man. It's over! Who're you? C'mere! What's your name, baby? No,
it's over, yeah, woo-hoo! Man, if you can't get laid on that day, cut it
off.
[David Johndrow & Kevin Booth]:
He didn't seem to mind what people thought of him. That never really seemed
to matter. Even in the early years in high school, he wasn't really affected
by peer pressure or anything like that at all.
- He was never worried about offending people either. Offending people was
not something... It was their problem. You know, if they were offended then,
they just didn't get it or something.
[Bill Hicks]:
Cause you know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards, they
sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them,
they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for
the children." Fuck that. When did mediocrity and banality become a good
image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking
rocked. I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want
someone who plays from his fucking heart. "Mommy, mommy, the man that Bill
told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose!" Shut up and listen to
him play! The New Kids! "Hi we're the New Kids and we're so good and
clean-cut..." (cocksucking noises) "We're so clean cut!" Seig Heil! Heil!
Heil! A good clean country... Heil! Heil! Heil! (more cocksucking noises)
Fuck that! I want my rock stars dead! I want them to fucking play with one
hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go "I hope you enjoy the
show!" (gun-fire noise) Yes! Yes! Play from your fucking heart!
...I am available for children's parties by the way...
[David Johndrow]:
He was always interested in altered states, expanding awareness, ever since
I knew him, he meditated and we did floatation tanks, sensory deprivation,
all these things, and someone had told him that mushrooms caused these great
altered states, so he wanted to try it.
[Bill Hicks]:
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to
help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea
ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in
the only way you can right now. (starts blinking)
[Kevin Booth]:
We'd reached the point of, realising that the way to trip would be to go out
into the woods and just, you know, be at one with nature, and that's when
Bill stopped trying to combine the drugs and the performing, and it was like
two different things. It would almost be like a little religious quest, we'd
all go off out to my family's ranch or wherever and have our experience and
he would come back to his life and try to reassimilate it into his comedy.
[Bill Hicks]:
We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the cops.
Don't recommend it. Cops don't appreciate fish driving around. They frown on
that. Long night, man, cop was tapping on this window... we're staring at
him in this mirror. "How tall are you? It's a little cop, look at him. How
does he drive that big fucking car?"
[Allan Havey]:
I think a lot of people enjoyed the fact that Bill said, listen, I indulged
in drugs, and I had a great time doing it. I didn't lose my house, I didn't
lose my car. I mean he... he... it's always this black and white thing -
drugs are bad or smoking is bad. Bill kinda showed you, well, there's a lot
of grey area in there.
[Bill Hicks]:
How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don't you think?
Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. "Today, a young
man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow
vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself
subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we
are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather."
[David Johndrow & Kevin Booth]:
In high school, while most kids were going out to bowling alleys and dances,
Bill wanted to go to porno movies and things like that. So, OK, let's go to
a porno movie. So Bill calls up the porno place and says, "What's the movie
playing tonight?"
- Babylon Pink
Babylon Pink was the one that stuck in our memory, and Bill calls back and
says, "What's it about?" He was serious. And the guy said, well, it's about
a woman that works in an office, and everyone has sex with her. "Oh OK,
we'll be right down." And we were under-age so we had to look older, so we
wore coats and ties, so we showed up at the porno movie in our Sunday best
with our popcorn and ah...
- I was a little leery about the popcorn in the porno theatre, but Bill felt
OK about it.
[Bill Hicks]:
Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? See
a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight... "Answer
him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now."
[Kevin Booth]:
What would always been surprising is, when we'd go see Bill perform, he'd
always have a new twist that he didn't have for us, you know, his friends
hanging out and talking. He would give it one extra edge. And he would also
bring his own personal life into it a lot of times. The first time I ever
saw Bill talking about masturbation on-stage, I mean I was just blushing for
him, I couldn't believe it, but um, look how far we've come now.
[Bill Hicks]:
A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, yeah. Almost
broke my back. It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I
think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary
step. Just a theory and a fervent prayer. Yeah, now all the guys are going,
"Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child."
That may be true, but guys, yyyyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak
for every guy in this room here tonight, guys, if you could blow yourselves,
ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
Boy, my folks are proud of me. "Bill honey, you still doing that suck your
own cock bit?" Yeah, mom. "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How
clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so
clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is
travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of
total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece." Thanks, mom. "No
biggie."
[Jim & Mary Hicks]:
When he was up in high school they used to give him five minutes before
class to get it all out of his system so they could proceed with the class,
we heard that.
- One of the teachers called me and asked me if I could help her get her
class back from Bill. She said, I told him he could have five minutes while
I was checking the roll, and she said, I can't get it back. I said, that's
your problem, you shouldn't have let him get up there.
[Bill Hicks]:
"Mommy, I want Goatboy to come play at our house." Hehehehehe.
[Eric Bogosian]:
He was taking fully the role of the kind of witchdoctor in front of the
audience, I mean really you got a performance going on here, and it's like a
big giant exorcism of all the evil shit that's inside of us, that poisons us
day to day to day, it just adds up, gets locked into our brains, we can't
get it out, we don't know what to do with it, TV talk shows aren't gonna
help it, the news isn't, nothing's going to help it, you just need a guy to
get up there and take you by the lapels and shake the shit out of you.
[Bill Hicks]:
I'm Goatboy. "What do you want, Goatboy? Big ol' smelly shaggy thing."
[Eddie Izzard]:
He was dark, I mean he had some very dark images that he wanted to explain
to people in graphic detail. He would shock people... and it'd shock people
into paying attention or just being surprised that he would say things like
that.
[Bill Hicks]:
Hehehehe. Goatboy is here to please you. "How?" Hehehehehe. Tie me to your
headboard, throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feed
bag (snorting, sucking, licking noise).
[Kevin Booth & David Johndrow]:
Bill and I's whole relationship was based around writing wacky songs and
taking these wacky photographs of ourselves, trying to make ourselves look
like rock stars. I really thought Bill and I were going to go on to be in a
band together for ever. And then he decided to be a stand-up comic. And so
he was kinda split on that thing. - He always wanted to be a musician, I
mean, rock star I think was the number one thing.
[Dwight Slade]:
He was fascintaed with y'know, Alice Cooper, and rock music, and Jimi
Hendrix Story, and... Kiss. He was fascinated by those theatrics and that
power.
[William Cook - Critic, The Guardian]:
I hesitate to call Bill Hicks a rock'n'roll comedian, but what I would say
about him is that he has managed, very successfully, to take the things that
appeal to teenage and twentysomething audiences in pop music, out of the
records and put them into a live comedy routine. The reason a lot of young
middle-class people didn't used to be interested in comedy at all was
because the comedians weren't talking about anything that they were
interested in, and the reason they were into music instead, was because the
musicians were. Bill Hicks has taken a lot of those concerns and he's put
them into humourous situations, and that's why he has a rock'n'roll appeal.
[Bill Hicks]:
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy
for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and
plough through this shit one more time.
[John Lahr - Critic, The New Yorker]:
Most comedians perform in front of television audiences and don't have a
life in front of an audience, a real long life in front of a public, but he
was performing 250, 280 days out of the year, he told me. And therefore he
really was good, masterful with an audience, easy, at ease with an audience.
He could think on his feet.
[Bill Hicks]:
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.
Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds.
Maybe one day they'll take root, I don't know. You try. You do what you can.
Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no
rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK?
Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously,
no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no
fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and
garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the
only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself.
[Eric Bogosian]:
He wasn't like a guy who comes up and stands at a mic, and lays out
one-liners, rather that there's a sort of tornado moving around the stage
and cycling around and throwing all this energy out at you.
[Sean Hughes]:
And it was his bravery, you where he was able to go onstage and... Because,
you at him as well like, he played the Dominion. And for any comedian over
here to play the Dominion, they'd be kind of going, "No pauses, just quickly
get the material out," and you can see Bill on-stage, just reflecting, and
thinking, what am I going to think about next?
[Bill Hicks]:
I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too. "Oh, you
know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a
good market. He's very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil
scumbags.
[Brett Butler]:
For all the talk about Bill being like Hendrix or Dylan or Jim Morrison or
Lenny Bruce, it was Jesus Bill wanted to be, he wanted to save us all, but
Bill got freeze-framed in the scene where Jesus went through the temple and
said, "This is my father's house and you've turned it into a den of
thieves." 'Cause that's what Bill always wanted to do - he wanted to be
Christ at his angriest.
[Bill Hicks]:
"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation
dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation,
we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm
not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every
fucking thing on this planet.
[Bill Hicks]:
I personally do not believe in burning the flag. It's a personal belief, but
I'll tell you something, I think people are overreacting, oh, just a little
bit. "Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag." Well, I bought mine. Sorry.
You know they sell them at K-Mart for three bucks, you're in, you're out,
brand new flag, no violence was necessary. "Hey buddy, my daddy died in the
Korean war for that flag." What a coincidence - my flag was made in Korea!
[Richard Belzer]:
America's a place you love and you hate at the same time, because everything
is here, everything possible, every possible evil and every possible good.
And it's very frustrating for somebody like Bill whose antennas are always
open and he lays himself open, his heart and his mind, to see all the
hipocrisy and contradictions of what we can really be, and what we are.
[Richard Jeni]:
Comedians are one of the few people around who really have liscense to tell
the truth. You know, movies don't really have it, certainly television
personalities don't really have it. Comedians do, because ultimately they're
only responsible to themselves, they're no responsible to a studio or a
network or a corporate entity. And for that reason they have probably more
liscence to tell the truth than anybody, and most of them don't take it.
Bill took it, and you have to admire that about him.
[Bill Hicks]:
First of all, this needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say
that Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you see, right
there, we can all agree. Wasn't exactly a war.
[Eric Bogosian]:
I had a very very big, one of the top comedians in this country, tell me
during the Iraq war, that they couldn't do it. They said, they wouldn't put
their neck on the line. They were against the war and they wouldn't say
anything. 'Cause they basically felt, that you watched those little bags of
money just fly away. It's like, kiss your career goodbye.
[Sean Hughes]:
He had absolutely phenomenal stuff about the Gulf war and it was because,
you get the English comics coming out and going, "Hey, the Gulf war..." and
doing some really dodgy, you know, crap stuff about it. And Bill just went
out and went, look, this is what's happening. And you actually thought,
here's a comedian who actually knows more than me about a subject, and
besides knowing more about a subject, he's being very funny about it.
[Bill Hicks]:
Those guys were in hog heaven out there, do you understand, man? They had
the big weapons catalogue opened up. "What's G12 do, Tommy?" "Well, it says
here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps us pay
for the war effort, well shit, pull that one up. Pull up G12 please."
(missle explosion noise). "Cool, what's G13 do?"
[Thea Vidale]:
See, I think Bill said a lot of things that were so true, that, you know.
They just couldn't deal with it. I mean, some people can't take but so much
truth. With me, I would tell you the truth, then I'd let you off and tell
you something real real funny and make you laugh. But I'd make you think
again, and make you laugh. Spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.
Wasn't no spoonfuls of sugar with Bill.
[Bill Hicks]:
I love talking about the Warren Commission, I love talking about the Kennedy
assasination as well. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm
fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously
for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's
interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People
say, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let
it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright,
then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here,
you know.
[Jay Leno]:
I brought him to the attention of the Letterman show back in the
mid-eighties I suppose. He was still too far off the wall for the Tonight
Show, which was the more mainstream show and Late Night with David Letterman
was the crazy, take-a-chance program and he was well-suited to that. I
remember bringing him down and the producers would hear him and go, "Bill,
this is good but can you change this..." Ackack! And he's go in these fits
of rage, "No I can't it's the essence of the piece!" I said look, just get
on TV would you, just do what you have to, and we'd go back and forth and
back and forth. And then he went on to do eleven or twelve Letterman
appearances and it was pretty, ah... very successful.
[David Letterman show excerpt]:
Ah, our next guest is a very intense and very funny young man who has been
on this program a number of times and he's back again tonight. He has his
own HBO One Night Stand program with premieres this Saturday, ladies and
gentlemen please welcome Bill Hicks.
[David Letterman]:
We had heard of him and he came on the show and it did very well, as I
recall his first time. And that was great for us because we're always
looking for someone to come on and just blow the roof off the place. And we
thought, this is great, we have a new guy here who has been very effective.
And then of course you worry, well, can he do it again, will the subsequent
shot hold up. And over the years, and I don't know hw long he was with us on
the old show, but you know, he never disappointed.
[Bill Hicks]:
I learned a lot about women. I think I learned exactly how the fall of man
occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and
Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with
God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the
instant that we have them." And Ever said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is
it?"
[Robert Morton - Producer, The David Letterman Show]:
We always pushed the envelope, by seeing OK, just how much of a fuck-you
attitude can you have, without going over the line on network television.
And that was always the thrill of presenting it.
ON OCTOBER 1st 1993 BILL HICKS TWELFTH AND FINAL APPEARANCE ON THE DAVID
LETTERMAN SHOW WAS CUT FROM THE TRANSMITTED PROGRAMME
[Richard Belzer]:
I can't quote you club owners or television executives by name, but I know
that the nature of what Bill did was not universally applauded and accepted
because it did challenge the status quo and it might upset certain political
sensibilities in the audience and in the corporate structure.
[John Lahr - Critic, The New Yorker]:
When his stuff was taken off the air or whatever, he wrote me a 32-page
letter, hand-written, a sort of a cree, he couldn't understand the
situation, just because, he was a free spirit, it was a joke, these jokes
had import. But it was the prescribing of his freedom which so offended him.
[David Letterman]:
Well, our relationship with Bill Hicks came to kind of a peculiar ending,
made all the more peculiar by the man's death. And I have personal regrets
about how our relationship developed prior to his death. So it makes me
doubly sad that he is now not around so that we can I think, correct
mistakes that were made on his behalf. So I feel a personal sense of regret
regarding that.
[John Lahr - Critic, The New Yorker]:
And what it did also do was give him more material for his belief, correct
in my view, that television worked to control the society, to keep the
culture credulous, to keep it from thinking, to enchant it literally, to
spellbind it. And his job, as he saw it, was to break the spell.
[Bill Hicks]:
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all
transpired, go back to bed America, your goverment is in control again.
Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed
America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these
pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on
the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do
as well tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!
[Richard Jeni]:
With Bill you always got the impression that stand-up was an end in itself.
You know, to many people in the stand-up business, it's just a
stepping-stone, you know. It's hey, I'll get a sitcom, I'll have a wacky
neighbour and the next thing I know I'll be chatting with Regis. And it
shows. Bill Hicks wasn't out there to just get some laughs and collect the
cheque.
[Bill Hicks]:
I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the
fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries,
then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the
world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the
pistol at the sheepherder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun."
"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some
hardrock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what
gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I
ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."
"Pick up the gun."
(He picks it up. Three shots ring out)
"You all saw him - he had a gun."
[Jim Hicks]:
I think his message came from his feelings, and his observations of what was
happening in this country, and I think he was determined, passionately
determined, to try to make some changes through this medium.
[John Lahr - Critic, The New Yorker]:
He was on a mission, he was on a journey. The point was, that he did make
that journey exciting for anybody who managed to meet him on it.
[Bill Hicks]:
It's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice.
No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now,
between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your
door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us
as one.
[Bill Hicks]:
I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel
it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defence each
year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead... just play with this... if we
spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world, and it would
pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded and we can explore
space together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much
you've been great, I hope you enjoyed it...
[Jay Leno]:
It would have been a wonderful thing to see him as a sixty-year-old, still
smoking and drinking and looking terrible and talking about losing weight
and never doing anything. It's just a great tragedy, it's very very sad. It
really is, I think if you're a comedian. It's a bit like John Lennon, it's
like someone who, just when it looked like they were happiest and a slower,
more productive creative period was about to happen, gee, the whole thing
just went away.
[Thea Vidale]:
And I have so say, I know Bill has ascended, and God has opened his doors
and said, "I am so glad to see you. I've been missing you." You know what
I'm saying. It's like God called his child home and told him to come on in,
it's time to play, you can have the best time, you can be who you want to
be, right here and now, forever. There's no censorship in heaven.
BILL HICKS
16 DECEMBER 1961
26 FEBRUARY 1994
Covenant
> Does anybody know where I can read texts of Bill hicks routines?
>
> Pete
Can't remember where I got this...
Covenant
A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands
RELENTLESS
Transcribed by Sarah the Great
(Whistling wind)
(Cheers and applause)
Thank you. How you doing, folks? Me too. You gotta bear with me, I'm very
tired, very tired of traveling, and very tired of doing comedy, and very
tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to
fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves.
Good evening.
It's been a while since I've been here, it's great to be back, wherever I
am, I always love it when I'm here. A lot's happened, I guess.
Hey, man, that Clarence Thomas thing, I guess you watched that, eh? Boy, I
tell you something, I learned something very important watching the Clarence
Thomas hearings, you know what I learned? I don't stand a fucking chance.
Don't even call the committee to order. It'd be a real short hearing.
Uh, Mistuh Hicks, are you familiah at all with a video series called 'Clam
Lappers' Volumes One through Ninety?
All of them? I don't recall.
Uh-huh. Uh, Mistuh Hicks, are you familiah at all with a man named Manuel,
who works at the Show World Adult Video Parlor?
Manny!
Mista Hicks, dey subpoena me, dey subpoena me!
Shit.
Boy, I tell you, after the Pee-wee Herman thing, and then after the Clarence
Thomas hearings, pornography has gotten a really bad name in our country.
And I'd like to state, for the record, right now - I love pornography. Love
it. I have tapes that are pure fucking art, I'm telling ya. People fucking,
sucking, every imaginable position, the finest looking women, fucking,
sucking - I love it. For the record
Mistuh Hicks, thank you for your testimony. I don't know if we have a place
for you right now on the Supreme Court-but, boy, you ever thought about
becoming a Senator? C'mere, boy. Bring some of them tapes over here, lookit
that-whooah. Bring them over Teddy's house, yeah, look at that there-oooh.
She go to that like a duck to water, look at that there. How, how, how.
That is one of my big fears in life, that I'm gonna die, you know, and my
parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've
been adding onto for years. There'll be two funerals that day.
I can see my mom going through my stuff.
Look, honey, here's Bill when he was a Cub scout. Look at how cute my baby
is. His little short pants, his little hat. Look how cute my baby was. I
wonder what's in this box over here. 'Rear Entry', Volumes One through
Forty?!
Eeeeerrrr, CRASH! The only guy going through the gates of Heaven with his
mom spanking him. Spank! Mom, they were on sale! Spank! Spank!
Someone named Manny called.
Oh, shit! Spank! Spank!
I don't understand anything, so there you go. You know my problem, I watch
too much news, man, that's my problem. That's why I'm so depressed all the
time, I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've
ever sat around and watched CNN longer than, say, 20 hours in one day? I
don't recommend that. Watch CNN 'Headline News' for one hour, it's the most
depressing thing you'll ever fucking do.
WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION.
WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS . . .
Then you look out your window (chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp).
Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner is making this shit up, man!
Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter!
"By 1992, we will all die of AIDS!" Read that on the air. I don't get laid,
no one gets laid.
I'm writing Jane Fonda, "Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good
news, please?" I wanna see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast. Hey, it's all
gonna work out, here's sports! So, it's good to be here, wherever I am.
Gosh, since I was here, we had a war, that's pretty fucking weird, huh? A
war? Wasn't really a war, you know, a war is when two armies are fighting,
so, I don't know if you could call it a war, exactly, you know. The Persian
Gulf Distraction, is more like it, I think.
Pretty amazing thing, really. Bush turned out to be a major fucking demon,
who woulda guessed? Remember when he was first president, he was the "Wimp
President," do you remember that? Cover of Newsweek, cover of fucking
Newsweek, "WIMP PRESIDENT." Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw a
little bit. That guy was a dynamite waiting to go off.
(Iraqi voice) We surrendah!
(George Bush voice) Not good enough.
(Iraqi voice) We run away!
(George Bush voice) Too little, too late! Call me a wimp, c'mon, fuckers,
c'mon! Hold him back! Those guys were in hog heaven over there, man. They
had a big weapons catalogue opened up.
(Hillbilly voices) What's G-12 do, Tommy? See, it says here it destroys
everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps us pay for the war effort.
Well, fuck, pull that one up! Pull up G-12, please. SHOOP. BOOM! Cool,
what's G-13 do? Big Sears weapons catalogue. 'Weapons, for all occasions!'
You know.
See, everyone got boners over the technology, and it was pretty incredible.
Watching missiles fly down air vents, pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we
feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? Know what
I mean? Fly over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!" SHOOP. The
Stealth Banana. Smart fruit! I don't know. Once again, I was watching the
fucking news, and it really threw me off. It depressed everyone, it's so
scary watching the news, how they built it all out of proportion, like Iraq
was ever, or could ever possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a
threat to us-wwwwhatsoever. But-watching the news, you never would have got
that idea. Remember how it started, they kept talking about 'the Elite
Republican Guard' in these hushed tones like these guys were the bogeymen or
something. Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face-THE ELITE
REPUBLICAN GUARD. Like these guys were twelve feet tall, desert warriors.
KRRASH. NEVER LOST A BATTLE! KRRASH. WE SHIT BULLETS! Yeah, well, after two
months of continuous carpet bombings and not one reaction at all from them,
they became simply, 'the Republican Guard.' Not nearly as elite as we may
have led you to believe. And after another month of bombing, they went from
'the Elite Republican Guard' to 'the Republican Guard' to 'the Republicans
made this shit up about there being guards out there'. We hope you enjoyed
your fireworks show. It was so pretty, and it took our mind off of domestic
issues! The Persian Gulf Distraction.
People said, "Uh-uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world."
Yeah, maybe, but you know what? After the first three largest armies,
there's a real big fucking drop-off, all right? The Hare Krishnas are the
fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got our airports, okay,
so. I think that's the greater threat right now. Mr. Onion Head in Terminal
C is scaring the shit out of me. Get him away from me. What an amazing
thing, though. You know, and the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity and
the casualties. Iraq - one hundred and fifty thousand casualties, USA -
seventy-nine. Iraq - one hundred and fifty thousand, USA - seventy-nine.
Does that mean that if we had sent over eighty guys, we still would have won
that fucking thing, or what? One guy in a ticker-take parade:
(Hillbilly voices) I did it, hey! You're welcome! Good work, Tommy, how'd
you do it? I pulled up G-12! It was in the catalogue! Worked like a charm!
You know, my biggest problem with the whole thing was that blood lust that
came out of everyone, you know, this blood lust, man, it's really
unbelievable.
Like, I was over in England. You ever been to England, anyone, been to
England? No one has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false?
True. Now-in England last year, they had fourteen deaths from handguns.
FFFFFourteen. Now-the United States, and I think you know how we feel about
handguns-woooo, I'm getting a warm tingly feeling just saying the fucking
word, to be honest with you. I swear to you, I am hard. Twenty-three
thousand deaths from handguns. Now let's go through those numbers again,
because they're a little baffling at first glance. England, where no one has
guns, fffffffourteen deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel
about guns-woooo, I'm getting a stiffy-twenty-three thousand deaths from
handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a Communist to
make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone
with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been
studies made and there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute
proof. You know, fourteen deaths from handguns. Probably American tourists,
too.
(Angry tourist voice) You call this a sandwich? BANG! BANG! You don't boil
pizza! BANG! BANG!
(Scared English voice) That's the way we eat here, that's the way we eat
here! BANG!
(Tourist voice) This food sucks! BANG!
And boy, does it suck. Okay, great. If I had a gun, I woulda been number
fifteen on that fucking list. Okay, though, admittedly, last year in
England, they had fourteen thousand deaths per every soccer game, okay. I'm
not saying every system is flawless, I'm just saying, if you're in England,
don't go to a goddamn soccer game, and you're coming home. It's weird-they
don't have guns in England, but they have a very high crime rate, which
tells you how polite the fucking English are.
(English voices) Give me your wallet!
All right.
At least no one was hurt. How do you have a crime rate and no weapons, man?
Does a guy walk into a bank:
(English voices) Give me all your money! I've got a soccer ball! Shit, Ian,
that's a Spalding, he's serious! Hand over the pounds! I just don't
understand this blood lust, 'cause, you know, I know the world seems really
frightening at times, but I think we're gonna do okay. I'll tell you a true
story, a true fucking story, man, about blood lust. I was down in Alabama,
and I was playing a town called Fife, Alabama last year. And they wanted me
there to host their annual Rickets telethon, or something, I don't know what
the fuck it was, but anyway. It was great to be there and anyway this is
absolutely true-last year in Fife, Alabama, they had all these UFO
sightings. And apparently everyone in town saw these UFOs, all right? Which
really pissed me off, because when I was there, about forty people saw me.
But, there was no advance advertising, no publicity, that's a big market for
me. Anyway, I'm curious about UFOs, so I asked this guy who was there what
it was like. And the guy said, "Oh, man, it was incredible! People came from
miles around to look at them! A lot of people came armed." People are
bringing shotguns to UFO sightings. Kind of brings a whole new meaning to
the phrase, "You ain't from around here, are you, boy?" I said to the guy,
"Why do you all bring shotguns to UFO sightings? It seems to be there's
going to be a point in our development or evolution when you put your guns
aside." You know what I mean? Don't you think that should happen, I mean
just fucking once? The guy said, "Well, we didn't want to be abducted." I'm
thinking, Yeah, and leave all this. Dude, if I lived in Fife, Alabama, I'd
be on my hands and knees praying for an abduction every goddamn morning, all
right. And believe me, I would not be picky. Greyhound-abduct me. But I
said, "What do you mean, abducted?" And he said, "Well, they abduct people
and they perform scientific and medical experiments on 'em." "Well, maybe
we'll be lucky and it's some kind of sterility/dentistry program they've got
going. Maybe they come down here, castrate you, straighten your teeth and
split. Sort of a 'clean up the universe' pact." He said, "Huh?" I was almost
sure I was talking to that dude.
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the
fact that they cross galaxies or wherever they come from to visit us and
always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not
super-intelligent beings, man. Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. Some
intergalactic Joade family or something. "Don't you all want to land in New
York, or L.A.?" "Nah, we just had a long trip, we gonna kick back and
whittle some." Oh, my God, they're idiots. "We're gonna enter our mothership
in the tractor pull!" My God, we're being invaded by rednecks. My biggest
fear. Last thing I want to see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of
some trailer, you know? Wouldn't that be depressing? Some bumper sticker on
it - "They'll get my ray gun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered
hand off of it!"
See, in England, man, they had these crop circle things. Did you hear about
that, these crop circles that'd show up, you know? Which two guys have since
claimed that they were responsible for, but I believe they're aliens too.
They think aliens would actually land around Stonehenge and take off, but I
asked people what it was like over there, and they said, "Oh, it was
incredible. People came from miles around. Lot of them brought soccer
balls." Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me
up. I don't care what you believe, but you gotta admit beliefs are odd, you
know what I mean? You have to admit that. A lot of Christians wear crosses
around their necks - you think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a
fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant
on, you know? "Just thinking of John, Jackie, just thinking of John. Just
thinking of John, baby." Don't love me that much.
Hey, man. Killer idea. You guys like going to the movies? You... you do?
Three of you do? I love the fucking movies. Love 'em. Now I'm watching
'Terminator 2', did ya'll see that movie? Well, I'm watching, and I'm
thinking to myself, You know what? There's no way they're ever gonna be able
to top these stunts in a movie again, you cannot top this shit. Unless...
They start using terminally ill people as stunt men in pictures. Well, hear
me out. Because I know to some of you, this may sound a little cruel: "Aw,
Bill. Terminally ill stunt people-that's cruel." You know what I think cruel
is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room surrounded
by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies! What? You want your
grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room, her translucent
skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue
veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? Hey, how come you dressed my
grandmother up as a mugger? Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her
towards Chuck! (Karate noises) Wow, he kicked her head right off her body!
Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy? She's out of her misery, you've
seen the greatest film of all time! I'm still feeling some resistance to
this, man. What's up? You and your fake fucking sympathy. Okay, how about
these guys who're being executed? Don't do that. Poison, electrocute-how
cruel! And unimaginative! Put 'em in the movies! Jeffery Dahmer, for your
crimes against humanity, of which you've been found guilty, I sentence you
to Wes Craven's next picture! Bwahahaha! Ahh! Ahh! Okay, not one of my more
popular theories. But just do me a big favor-don't ever say you love film as
much as I do. I think we found your limit. So what else, folks? I smoke, if
this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we
live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial
burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have
that option ahead of you.
I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you
non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious,
self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is
that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers
do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you.
Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell
you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact
that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at
all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this
planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? Non-smokers die
every day. Sleep tight. See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life
fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that
little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth?
You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit,
if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people
dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets
waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung-it's like going to Sharper
Image! Major rationalizations. We live in such a weird culture, man.
Does anyone remember this, when Yul Bryner died, and came out with that
commercial after he was dead? I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now. What the
fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears. I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now,
because I smoked cigarettes. Okay, pretty scary. But they coulda done that
with anyone. They coulda done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that
guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his
commercial! I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the fuck
happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps
every morning, and I'm dead. Yul Bryner drank, smoke, and got laid every
night of his life. He's dead. Shit! Yul Bryner's smokin', drinkin', girls
are sitting on his cueball noggin, every night of his life! I'm running
around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both fucking dead. Yul used to pass
me on his way home in the morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing
him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other. "One day that life is going
to get to you, Yul." They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking
corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the
sloppy grin on Yul's corpse! Yul Bryner lived his life. Sure, he died a
78-pound stick figure, okay. There are certain drawbacks.
People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit
smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got
news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that
urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered
in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just
think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered
dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the
wonders of New York, honey, look!
I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes
didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day. I
tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me
wheezing. Many of them smelled me. (Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!"
(Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look,
he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants)
"Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"
(Whistling wind)
(Audience member: "You have a bad attitude")
We've only just begun... I got all sorts of new dark shit for you, my man.
You ever dance with the devil in the moonlight? I don't know what my
attitude is, I'm trying to work on it all this time, you know. I'm drinking
water tonight, that's pretty amazing, water, it's really weird how your life
changes, you know what I mean, water. Four years ago-opium. Isn't that
weird, I mean, really! Night and day, night and fucking day! Some of y'all
may remember me, I was a drinker. I was a weekend drinker, you know, I'd
start on Saturday, and end on Friday, and I thought I was controlling it
there. I don't drink anymore, I don't do drugs anymore, either, than, I'd
say the average touring funk band. I had to add it up. No, I don't do drugs
anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs, I used to do
drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I
know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but
it is the truth- I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered
anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never
lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went
about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial? Why don't I get a
commercial? Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial? "I
lost my job, then my car, then my house, then my kids. Don't do drugs."
Well, I'm definitely not doing them with you, fuck! Man, you're bumming me
out, get him out of here! Who invited Mr. Doom over, get that guy out of
here! That guy by the dip, he's bumming everyone out! He hasn't stopped
talking, I wish he'd lose his fucking voice! I mean, I've lost my car
before, okay. Found it the next day, you know, no biggie. I don't think that
warranted a commercial. "I lost my car and uh... oh, there it is by that
dumpster! Forget it! See you tomorrow! Honk, honk!" You know, I've lost
stuff, I'm not saying that. I knew we were in trouble with that damn egg
commercial, that guy.
I knew that was the government's take on drugs, we're fucked, you know.
"Here's your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs, I have never
ever ever ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not
once, all right? I have seen UFO's split the sky like a sheet, but I have
never ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not
once. I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their
ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there is no such
thing as death, but I have never ever ever ever ever looked at an egg, and
thought it was a fucking brain. Now. Maybe I wasn't getting good shit. I
admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated. Hey, where's the stuff that
makes eggs look like brains? That sounds neat. Did I quit too soon? What is
that, CIA stash? You see the guy in that commercial, that guy's got a beer
gut- "All right, this is it. Look up, man. This is your brain. I ain't doing
this again. That's your - " The guy's drunk and doing this fucking
commercial. "Here's your brain." That's an egg! That's a frying pan, that's
a stove, you're an alcoholic, dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see
that is a fucking egg, all right? I see the UFO's around it, but that is a
goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but, goddamn it, that
hobbit is eating a fucking egg. He's on a unicorn, but that
dam-up-nup-oh-hop, that's a fucking egg, yeah. How dare you have a wino tell
me not to do drugs.
(From the audience)
"Why did you quit?"
Why did I quit? Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kind of
hard to top that, all right. They have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have
Alien Anonymous. I tell you what, though, going to AA meetings, which I have
to do, but going there and hearing people talking about their fucking booze
stories, you know. "You know, I love the taste of gin, it's so good,
tastes-" Fuck you, I've been on a UFO, fuck off! I went drinking with
aliens, you fucker, shut up! "I lost my wife-" I lost an alien culture who
wanted to take me to the planet Arcturus, fuck you! I mean, I don't know if
I've got the resentment, you know, forgiveness part down in the book, but...
(singing) "One day at a time . . ." I just cannot, you know, believe in a
war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long,
followed by, "This Bud's for you." I got news for you, folks. A-1, alcohol
is a drug, and B-2, and here's the real one, alcohol kills more people than
crack, coke and heroin ... combined each year. So, thanks for inviting me to
your little alcoholic/drug den here tonight. You fine, upstanding citizens,
you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Now. You know what, if I was going to have a
drug be legal, it would not be alcohol, you know why? There's better drugs
and better drugs for you. That's a fact, so you can stop your internal
dialogue. Wait a minute, Bill, alcohol is an accepted form of social
interaction which for thousands of years has been the norm under which human
beings have congregated in the form of social events and... Shut the fuck
up. Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic
drugs, I see through you.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol - fact, and I'll prove it. You're at a
ballgame, you're at a concert, someone's really violent, aggressive and
obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? (Audience) Drunk! The one
and only correct answer, tell them what they've won, Johnny. I have never
seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible! Hey,
buddy. Hey, what? End of argument. Say you get in a car accident, and you've
been smoking pot. You're only going four miles an hour. Vroom... CRASH.
Shit, we hit something. Forgot to open the garage door, man. We got to get
the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home!
But I'll tell you the truth, I have never heard one reason that rang true
why marijuana is against the law. That rang true, now, I'm not talking about
the reasons the government tells us, because I hope you know this, I think
you do, all governments are lying cocksuckers. I hope you know that. Good. I
mean, marijuana grows everywhere, it serves a thousand different functions,
all of them positive, to make marijuana against the law is like saying God
made a mistake, you know what I mean? It's like God, on the seventh day,
looked down on his creation and said, "There it is. My creation. Perfect and
holy in all ways. Now, I can rest... Oh my me. I left fucking pot
everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. Shit. If
I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression they're
supposed to use it. Shit. Now I have to create Republicans." So, you see,
it's a vicious cycle.
And I'm not promoting the use of drugs, believe me, I'm not. I've had bad
times on drugs, I mean, just look at this haircut. Fuck. Tell you, I live in
New York now, man, tell you, man, the war on drugs has taken a real cease
fire there, it's, I mean, it's incredible. They sell drugs out loud on the
street. "Heroin, heroin! Heroin, heroin!" "Coke, coke! Smoke, smoke!"
"Heroin, heroin!" Those guys bug the shit out of me. I'm walking down the
street one day, this guy's walking ahead of me, passes one of those dealers,
he looks at him, he goes, "Heroin, heroin, heroin!" I pass him, he goes,
"Glue!" I can afford heroin, you fucker. I'm doing laundry right now. Soon
as my shirt's out of the cleaners, I'm coming back and buying some of that
shit from you! I mean, he embarrassed me to death, I was mortified.
Glue.
Fucker.
Where's a bank machine? C'mere! C'mere, Mr. Dealer, c'mere! I'm gonna show
you my balance! Then I'm gonna buy heroin from that little kid across the
street! Fuck you! New York's a rather tense town.
See, I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do. And if
you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor, go home
tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CD's and burn
them. Because, you know what, the musicians who made all that great music
that's enhanced your lives throughout the years... rrrrrrrreal fucking high
on drugs. Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a couple of
tunes. Tell me they weren't partying. (singing) "We all live in a yellow
submarine, yellow submarine." We all live in a-do you know how fucking high
they were when they wrote that? They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with
a rake to sing that fucking song. (Beatle voices) John, get Ringo, he's in
the corner. Ooh, look at him scoot, grab him! Hook his bellbottom, hook his
bellbottom! He's got a song he wants to sing us. Something about living in a
yellow tambourine or something. Ringo, Yoko's gone, come down, we can party
again! They were real high, they wrote great music, drugs did have a
positive effect.
Okay, I'll tell you what else. I'm gonna extend the theory to our
generation, now, so it's more plicable. The musicians today, who don't do
drugs, and in fact speak out against it-"We're rockers against drugs"-boy,
they suck. Suck. Ball-less, soul-less, spirit-less, corporate little
bitches, suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them. (sucking
noises into the microphone). Suckin' Satan's pecker, suck it! Put that big
scaly pecker down your gullet! "We're rock against drugs, because that's
what George Bush wants!" (sucking noises) That's what we want, isn't it?
Government approved rock n' roll? Don't you want to be at a concert one
night, look to your right and see Dan fucking Quayle right next to you, man?
You know you're partying then, you know you're on the edge! "Fuck it, the
Quayle-Monster's here, there ain't no going back! We might be up to eleven
tonight, fuck this!" "We're rock stars who do Pepsi-Cola commercials!"
(sucking) Luckily, Satan's dick has many heads, so all these little demon
piglets can nuzzle up and suckle all at once. "Here comes a fella named
Vanilla Ice!" (sucking) "Here comes M.C. Hammer!" (sucking) "Here's Madonna,
with two heads!" (sucking) Suckin' Satan's pecker, suck it! It's only your
dignity, suck it! It's only your dignity, suck it! M.C. Hammer - oh, I'm
sorry, it's 'Hammer', he dropped the M.C. I can't wait till he drops the
Hammer too. How about this, drop it all. Good.
I am available for children's parties, by the way. Some of y'all might have
a young'un coming of age, and not want to go the traditional, clown/balloon
animal route this year, you might want to look me up-"Beezlebozo." Clown
from hell. "Hi, kids, it's Beezlebozo time! Tell me something, who here out
of you young'uns has never smoked a cigarette? C'mere, kids!" (kissing
noises) "What's your name?" (little boy voice) "Tommy." "Tommy, how old are
you?" "Five." "Five years old, and you mean to tell Beezlebozo you're not
smoking cigarettes yet? C'mere, Tommy!" (kissing noises, hacking) "Hold it
in." "Mommy!" "Nope, it's Beezlebozo time. "Tell me something, who here out
of you young'uns has never watched a skin flick? C'mere, kids! See them,
them's titties!" "Mommy!" "That is your mommy. It's Beezlebozo time." Clown
from hell.
See, I don't know, I just differ, you know, like, you remember those summer
trips you'd take with your folks, growing up, you remember those nightmare
fucking excursions, you know? Instead of doing that, why don't families take
mushrooms? Stay home and trip together. Be a much better trip. The home
movies would be tons more fun. Just twenty minutes of someone's thumb.
WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "You see, son, the thumb is opposable, that's why we can use
tools and live indoors." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "Speaking of indoors, do you get
the impression the walls are breathing?" "I do, Mom." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "It's
like we're all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively."
WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "There is no such thing as death, son, it's only an illusion
that we are separate beings, in actuality we are all one con-"
WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "God is love and love is all there is, and if that's all
there is, there can be no opposite." "Cool, Dad." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I think
that'd be such a neat trip, to go away, with your parents, I think it'd be
more of an eye-opener, perhaps a third-eye opener.
But that's the problem with this country, one of the many, but this whole
issue of sexuality and pornography, which I don't understand what
pornography is, I really don't. To me, pornography is, you know, spending
all your money and not educating the people in America, and spending it
instead on weapons, that's pornographic to me, that's totally filthy, and
etc., etc., down the line, you all in your fucking hearts know the goddamned
arguments, okay, great. But no one knows what pornography is. Supreme Court
says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual
thought, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes
sexual thought. Hmm. Sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't
it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial-I'm
not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, maybe that's the connection
they're trying to make. What? You've all seen that Busch beer commercial,
where the girl in the short hot-pants opens the beer bottle on her belt
buckle, leaves it there, and it foams over her hand and over the bottle and
the voice over goes, "Get yourself a BUSCH." Hmm. You know what that looks
like, nah, no way. I'll tell you the commercial they'd like to do, if they
could, and I guarantee you, if they could, they'd do this, right here.
Here's the woman's face, beautiful. Camera pulls back, naked breast. Camera
pulls back, she's totally naked. Legs apart. Two fingers, right here, and it
just says, "Drink Coke." Now I don't know the connection here, but goddamn
if Coke isn't on my shopping list that week. "Dr. Pepper." "Snickers,
satisfying." (Mouth-guitars "I Can't Get No Satisfaction") Damned if I'm not
buying these products! My teeth are rotting out of my head, I'm glued to the
television, I'm as big as a fucking couch. "More Snickers, more Coke!"
That's what I find ironic, too, is that people who are against these things
that cause sexual thought are generally fundamentalist Christians, who also
believe you should be fruitful and multiply. Boy, they walk a tight rope
every day, don't they? "How do we be fruitful and multiply and not think
about it?" "We could sing hymns during it." (sings) "One stroke at a time,
sweet Jesus. One stroke at a time, sweet Lord."
I did that joke in Alabama, in Fife, and these three rednecks met me after
the show. "Hey, buddy! C'mere! Mr. Funny-man, c'mere! Hey, buddy, we're
Christians, and we don't like what you said." "So then forgive me." Later,
when I was hanging from the tree.
Here is my final point, oh thank you God. About drugs, about alcohol, about
pornography, whatever that is. What business is it of yours what I do, read,
buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being
on this planet? And for those of you out there who're having a little moral
dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I'll answer it for
you - none of your fucking business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go
fucking on a vacation out of my life.
But see, here's their argument for that, each and every time: "But we have
to protect the children, we have to protect the children." Let me tell you
something, children are smarter than any of us, you know how I know that? I
don't know one child with a full-time job and children. Yeah, they're quick,
these kids, man. They're fucking quick.
But where did this veneration of childbirth come from, I missed that
meeting, I tell you that. "Oh, childbirth is such a miracle, it's such a
miracle."
Wrong.
No more of a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. You
know what a miracle is? A miracle is raising a kid who doesn't talk in a
fucking movie theatre, there's your goddamned miracle. If it were a miracle,
then not every nine months any yin-yang in that world can drop a litter of
these mewling fucking cabbages on the planet, and in case you have not
checked the single mom statistics lately - the miracle is spreading like
fucking wildfire.
Hallelujah!
Trailer parks, all over America, filling up with little miracles. THUNK.
THUNK. THUNK. "Look at all my little miracles." THUNK. THUNK. "Filling up my
trailer like a sardine can." THUNK. THUNK. "You know what'd be a real
miracle, if I could remember your daddy's name, goddamn it." THUNK. "I guess
I'll have to call you Trucker Jr. That's all I remember about your daddy,
was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me, shooting his
caffeine-ridden semen into my belly, to produce my little water-head miracle
baby-child." THUNK. "There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Jr." THUNK.
"There's your other brother, Exterminator Jr." THUNK. "There's your other
brother, 'Will Work For Food Jr.'" Thank you very much, good night.
(wild applause)
(sound follows Bill offstage, backstage, applause fading, doors closing,
he's outside walking across the parking lot, gets in his car, starts it up,
dials through the radio and finds this song)
Chicks Dig Jerks
Written and performed by Marblehead Johnson.
Aw, man Oh, Hitler had Ava Braun,
Manson had Squeaky Frawn,
Ted Bundy got lots of dates,
I wonder what I'm doing wrong.
I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks
Just one thing I know for sure - chicks dig jerks, yeah.
Well, if I meet one more single mom
Whose true love is up and gone
Tells me on her trailer porch
'Bout that man
Still carries a torch,
Sure, he came home drunk each night
Beat the kids and her in a fight,
But, man, she loves him so,
It's so hard to let him go, aw.
Well, I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks,
Just one thing I know for sure - chicks dig jerks.
Well, I'm sure there's some out there who can relate,
Particularly young men without a date
See some jerk, some fine, fine babe,
Go driving away, aw.
Well, is that a new bruise you got on you?
What does it say, that he loves you?
Sure he beats you, but afterwards he cries, "Oh, baby, I could die."
Honey, I don't think that's nothing to be proud of,
I think it's called alcoholism
I don't think you should move away,
Stay with him till you're in your grave, yeah.
"You're so sweet."
"Can't we just be friends?"
"I think of you as a brother."
Aw, man. You're hurting me.
What do I have to offer you, baby?
Poetry and true love.
That's not enough, I know for sure,
You need someone to throw you through the door.
Well, I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks.
Just one thing I know for sure-chicks dig jerks!
Chicks dig jerks, it's so true.
Tell you, man, be mean to 'em man, they'll never leave you, then,
'Cause chicks dig jerks.
Just ignore 'em.
Act like they're not there.
Man, you're gonna be pulling chicks out of your hair.
They love that.
Act like you don't care,
Aw, look at them everywhere, they come running.
Tired of being a good guy Such a lonely life.
I'm gonna be a jerk Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna step on lots of toes.
Whoo, girls gonna go crazy for that kind of guy.
Baby, I'm gonna act like I don't know you.
Not gonna return one of your calls.
Yeah, I'm a jerk And it's working out.
Covenant
> Does anybody know where I can read texts of Bill hicks routines?
>
> Pete
Apparently this one originated at Goatboys Bill Hicks Page
Covenant
A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands
REVELATIONS
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
Thanks to Goatboy's Bill Hicks Page
FX: galloping horse's hooves
CUT: the moon
FX: howling wolves
CUT: a Black Slab, looking rather like the Monolith from "2001". Fog clouds
play across it.
CUT: a white horse, carrying a masked man, who also wears a hat and cloak.
The horse rears back and whinnies - the rider spurs the horse, which breaks
into a gallop once more
Voice Over (Bill): On December 16, 1961, the world turned upside down and
inside out, and I was born screaming, in America.
CUT: (Tower?) Bridge - the horse and rider cross the bridge, approaching the
camera
VO: It was the end of the American Dream, just before we lost our innocence
irrevocably, and the TV Eye brought the horror of our lives into out homes
for all to see.
CUT: The rider dismounts upon a cobblestoned street, and leads his horse
past the burning shells of televsions.
FX: howling wolves
VO: I was told when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted. A fireman, a
policeman, a doctor. Even the President, it seemed. And for the first time
in the history of mankind, somthing new called an Astronaut. But like many
kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the
cowboy hero. That lone voice in the wilderness fighting corruption and evil
wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice.
CUT: the Dark Rider throws a lighted match into an oil drum full of
newspapers.
VO: And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream,
wherever I go, on my never-ending ride into the setting sun.
CUT: zoom in on flames
FADE: to a picture of the moon against a black background
An opening appears in the black background. A figure stands in the opening,
silhouetted by flames and smoke. The figure emerges, bows, and hangs his hat
and cloak on a microphone stand, while the opening behind him closes and is
replaced by the '2001' monolith. A silhouette appears behind him, lit in
pinks and reds, which (as far as I can tell) is either meant to signify
either a city, or the Ruins of Civilisation. hmm.
[wild applause]
You're in the right place. It's Bill.
I'm living out in Los Angeles now so, you know, I like coming over here, you
know, for the weather.
You guys have weather. Cool.
Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny, today, hot and sunny, tomorrow, hot
and, for the rest of the... hot and sunny, every single day, hot and sunny.
And they love it.
"Isn't great, every day, hot and sunny?"
What are you, a fucking lizard?
Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather. I'm a mammal, I can
afford coats, scarves, cappuccino and rosy cheeked women.
LA is the home of the pedestrian right of way law. What this law is, is if a
pedestrian decides to cross the road, anywhere or any time on the road,
every car has to stop and let this person cross the road. Yes, 'cos only in
LA does common courtesy have to be legislated. Ha ha ha
Every car has to stop. Pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in now
right, if someone steps in front of your car here, you speed up and turn
your wipers on you know.
"Bum ch, bum ch. Bad call brother. Rrr."
"Must've had a bad day. I don't know."
Stupid law. How may of y'all wondered like I did during the LA riots, when
those people were pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death. How
many of y'all wondered like I did: Step on the fucking gas, man!
They're on foot, you're in a truck...
I think I see away out of this!
That pedestrian right of way law.
People are driving home, a gang of youths stepped in front of their truck,
Molotov cocktails, clubs in hand, everyone of these idiots: Screeech.
(Mimes waving people across road)
(Mimes being pulled out of a vehicle by the hair)
I guarantee you that Reginald Denney, that truck driver. Never gonna stop
again as long as he lives.
Could be an old woman with a baby carriage crossing the road, he's: Urrr,
urrrrr.
"Not today, baby."
Not a time to quit smoking kids, hahaha
But I fucking did it.
And yes, I miss' em.
It is hard to quit smoking. Everyone of them looks real good to me right
now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus, and
moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now
Wwwww. "Golly that looks tasty"
Every time I'm here something weird happens. This time Bush lost. Cool.
People ask me where I stood politically you know. It's not that I disagree
with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I believe he was
a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth.
Yeah, I'm a little a little to the left there, I was. I was leaning that
way.
Yeah you know who else is going, little Quayle boy. Little Damien.
Is that guy Damien? Tell me those blank empty eyes aren't gonna glow red in
the very near future.
[eyes roll back in head]
Stop making jokes about meee. Nrrr. I'll spell potato any fucking way I
want. Nrrrr.
Rioters in LA, let's nuke them.
Bush was a pussy Nrr
He held me back.
Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the
election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that
military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to
Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why
he should be Commander-in-Chief because, "We still live in a dangerous
world."
Thanks to you, you fucker!
What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!
They're arming the fucking world man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered
about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence
reports would come out:
"Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons."
How do you know that?
"Uh, well... We looked at the receipts Haar."
"Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in."
"What time's the bank open? 8? We're going in at 9."
"We're going in for God and country and democracy and here's a foetus and
he's a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let's go. Get motivated behind
this, let's go!"
Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too. Little
Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is.
"Did we send, did I... did... I'll have to check Maggie's old calendar."
What's funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys sold
Iraq "machine tools"... which Iraq then converted into military equipment. I
have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language
notwithstanding, it's a fucking machine, it's a tool.
Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq "farming
equipment" which Iraq then "converted". How do they do this?
"Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim."
Wow! It was a chicken coop, it's now a nuclear reactor!"
"This war's for Aladdin." Farming equipment which they converted into
military, okay, you got me I'm curious, exactly what kind of farming
equipment is this?
"Oh okay, well it's stuff for the farmers of Iraq."
Yeah?
What?
"Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little
farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake."
"No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn
around Boooo."
"But you know what the Iraqis did with that?"
There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole?
"We could have done our research better perhaps yes."
What else did you sell 'em?
"Okay er one of the other things we gave 'em was a new thing... for the
farmer."
"The, er, armoured tractor."
"No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they
won't see a tree and they'll hit it maybe and there'll be a wasps nest in
the tree and the wasps will come in and sting 'em."
"So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot
pesticides on the wasps."
"Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?"
"Can't trust 'em."
I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the
fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries
then we go and blow the shit out of em. We're like the bullies of the world,
you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane... Throwing the pistol
at the sheep herder's feet:
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun".
"Mister, I don't want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some
hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know
what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I
ain't looking for no trouble mister."
"Pick up the gun."
Boom bom
"You all saw him. He had a gun."
Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me it's a
great example of, er, a totalitarian government's ability to, you know,
manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they... Oh sorry
wrong meeting... Ah shit. That's the meeting we're having tomorrow at the
docks. [winks]
I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you
can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated.
And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository.
It's a museum called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that
after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here but...
Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day.
And it's really accurate, you know, cos Oswald's not in it.
"Yeah, yeh so wow that's cool." Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's true,
it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'. It's glassed in, it's got he boxes sitting
there. You can't actually get to the window as such but the reason they did
that of course, they didn't want thousands of American tourists getting
there each year going [Mimes looking out of window]
"No fucking way!
I can't even see the road.
Shit they're lying to us.
Fuck!
Where are they?
There's no fucking way.
Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge.
Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade...
Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of
anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone overhead them saying
'coup, coup'
Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what's wild, people's, er, attitudes in the
States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me:
"Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It's a long time ago -
just forget about it."
And I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me.
As long as we're talking shelf life here.
"Bill, you know Jesus died for you."
Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it!
How about this. Get Pilate to release the fucking files. Quit washing your
hands Pilate - release the goddam files. Who else was on that grassy
Golgotha that day?
"Bill, it was just, you know, hur, taking over of democracy by a
totalitarian government, let it go."
That's another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last 12
years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians in the
White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is the exact
word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending,
have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years.
[Eyes roll back in head]
"Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant Lord."
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe
that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God.
What the..? Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the
way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12 thousand years."
Well how fucking scientific, okay.
I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old?
"That's right."
Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
"uh huh."
Dinosaurs.
You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they
existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the
fucking Bible at some point.
"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was
blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the
disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!'
But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw
and the big lizard became his friend.
And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years
inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families
and their fat dollar bills. And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you
Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."
Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how
does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in.
He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith."
Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man.
I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude.
You believe that?
"uh huh."
Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin' with
our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God
running around:
"Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha."
[mimes God burying fossils]
"I am God, I am a prankster."
"I am killing Me."
You know, You die and go to St. Peter...
"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
"Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere"
Thuh [trapdoor opens]
"Aaaaaaarhhh!"
"You fuckin idiot."
"Flying lizards, you're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!"
"It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"
You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really
unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges,
big furry hands and feet.
"I believe God created me in one day"
Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the
bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh?
"I think what God meant to say..."
I have never been that confident.
Next we have a bible out called 'The New Living Bible', it's the bible in
updated and modern English. I guess to make it more palatable for people to
read. But its really weird, when you listen to it.
"And Jesus walked on water. And Peter said, 'Awesome!'"
Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ's Bogus
Adventure, you know. Deuteronomy 90210, you know.
Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You
think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man?
"Oaww"
May be why he hasn't shown up yet.
"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin, dad. No, they
totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes I might show up
again, but... Let me bury fossil heads with you Dad, Fuck em - Let's Fuck
with them! They're fuckin with me now, lets get em. Give me that
brontosaurus head, Dad."
You know, kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you
know.
"Thinkin' of John, Jackie. We love him. Just tryin to keep that memory
alive, baby."
[mimes sniper, mimes being shot in the head]
Back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and
to the left. Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy's head go
through in the Zapruder film - caused by a bullet... [points behind him]
comin from up there, ha.
Yes, I know it looks to the layman or someone who might dabble in physics...
This action here would be caused by a bullet coming from...
Well...
[thinks]
Up here, did you see that? Did everyone see that? Yeah, but no. What
happened was Oswald's gun went off, causing an echo to echo through the
buildings of Dealey Plaza and the echo went by the limo on the left up into
the grassy knoll hitting some leaves causing dust to fly out which 56
witnesses testified was a gun shot, cos immediately... Kennedy's head went
over.
But the reason his head went over is cause the echo went by the motorcade
one the left and he went "What was that?"
"So there, we have figured out, go back to bed America, your government has
figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, you government is
in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go
back to bed America, here's American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it.
Watch these pituitary retards bang their fuckin skulls together and
congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America, you
are free, to do as we tell you, you are free, to do as we tell you."
"Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news that they've figured out that the gun,
what happened is, is that there was an echo and Kennedy was, er, asking
Jackie what it was, and that that's why his head flew u... Honey what time's
Gladiators on? Are we missing it? I'm so glad we're free, Honey."
This happen just a few weeks ago. All these articles in the paper. "Is
Gladiators too violent? And what are we doing watching it? Is it really good
for us to watch? Is it too violent?" NO! Fuck it! Give these guys chain
saws! Let them fuck each other up good. It's not violent enough. Let these
fuckin' morons kill each other in that God Damn pit! Give them chain saws
an... I want to see a fuckin railway spike go through their eyeballs. How
about this? give everyone in the audience a pistol. "There you fuckers, bchh
bchh, See who comes out alive, bchh."
You know, I'm tired of this false fuckin sanctimonious morality about life.
"Ain't life keen, haha. Let's pat ourselves on the back." Fuck you! They
want to kill each other, I'm filming it.
You know. I had a great idea for the movies. No-one wants to fucking hear
it, I don't know why. I was watching Terminator 2 and I'm thinking to
myself, these are the most amazing stunts I have ever seen. A hundred
million dollars it cost to make this film. How are they ever gonna top these
stunts in a movie again? There's no way.
Unless...
they start using terminally ill people...
[laughter]
Hear me out...
...as stuntmen in pictures.
Okay not the most popular idea ever, but I prefaced it with that. What you
know, some of will probably think that's cruel, don't you?
"Ooh cruel, terminally ill stuntpeople Bill. How cruel."
You know what I think what cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some
sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the
movies!
Whaaat? Do you want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some
hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat
work its way down her blue veins?
Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?
Why be so selfish as to deprive her of that thrill?
"Tom how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger?"
"Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck."
Whurf. [Bill does a flying karate kick]
"Wow he kicked her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you see my
grammie? She's out of her misery. I just saw the greatest fucking movie of
my life. Cool!"
Okay not the most popular idea ever. All I'm saying is people are dying
every day, and movies are getting more and more boring.
[Webbs fingers together]
"I am the weaver."
I don't know.
"Is American Gladiators too violent? Ooh I don't know."
Watch the fucking news man, it's frightening. What could be worse. You watch
the news these days you know, it's unbelievable. You think you you just walk
out your door, you're immediately going to be raped by some crack-addicted,
Aids-infected, pit-bull, you know. Horrible news stories, you know.
"Honey, I'm gonna check the mail...
"Rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar!" [mimes being attacked by a
pitbull]
"Whaddya we stay inside tonight baby? Let the pizza delivery guy deal with
that shit out there. Hello, pizza delivery, could you send another car over
please. I know that's your third one, that last guy almost made it. I can
almost reach the pizza with the broom handle.
How come those pit bulls are eating your driver but they're not touching
that fucking pizza? What do they know that we don't know, hellooo?"
Pretty soon we're all gonna be locked inside our homes with no-one on the
street but pizza delivery guys and armoured cars with turrets shooting
pizzas through the mail-slots of our front doors. Every house will glow with
American Gladiators beamed in.
"We are free - keep repeating, we are free."
The news is just apocalyptic. Didn't you think with the Cold War being over,
things should have gotten better. How many of y'all were as stupid as I was
in believing that?
Wow it's over - 40 years of threat of nuclear weapons - it's over, cool,
cool... Wrong!
Now 12 different countries have nuclear weapons - it just got 12 times as
bad, fuck you! Life is harder now. Work hard - oops jobs are scarce, fuck
you, ha ha ha.
By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill yourself.
No, no, no it's just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe
one day, they'll take root - I don't know. You try, you do what you can.
Kill yourself.
Seriously though, if you are, do.
Aaah, no really, there's no rationalisation for what you do and you are
Satan's little helpers.
Okay - kill yourself - seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good,
seriously. No this is not a joke, you're going, "there's going to be a joke
coming," there's no fucking joke coming.
You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are
fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your
fucking soul, kill yourself.
Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing a
joke... there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang
yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it. Rid
the world of your evil fucking makinations. Machi... Whatever, you know what
I mean.
I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too,
"Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing dollar.
That's a good market, he's very smart."
Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags!
"Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous
indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that
indignation. We've done research - huge market. He's doing a good thing."
Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scum-bags!
Quit putting a godamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!
"Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market,
Bill's very bright to do that."
God, I'm just caught in a fucking web.
"Ooh the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market - look at our
research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then
separate them into the trapped dollar..."
How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night,
don't you?"
"What didya do today honey?"
"Oh, we made ah, we made ah arsenic a childhood food now, goodnight."
[snores] "Yeah we just said you know is your baby really too loud? You
know," [snores] "Yeah, you know the mums will love it." [snores]
Sleep like fucking children, don't ya, this is your world isn't it?
But you know I saw this movie this year called last year called er, 'Basic
Instinct'. Okay now. Bill's quick capsule review:
Piece-of-Shit.
Okay now. Yeah, yeah, end of story by the way. Don't get caught up in that
fevered hype phoney fucking debate about that Piece-of-Shit movie.
"Is it too sexist, and what about the movies, are they becoming too
dddddddd."
You're, you're just confused, you don't get, you've forgotten how to judge
correctly. Take a deep breath huuh, look at it again.
"Oh it's a Piece-of-Shit!"
Exactly, that's all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a
fucking title on it, put it on a marquee, Satan's shit, piece of shit, walk
away.
"But is it too, what about the lesbian connot.. ddddd."
You're, you're getting really baffled here. Piece-of-Shit! Now walk away.
That's all it is, it's nothing more! Free yourself folks, if you see it,
Piece-of-Shit, say it and walk away. You're right! You're right! Not those
fuckers who want to tell you how to think! You're fucking right!
Sorry wrong meeting again.
I keep getting my days mixed up. tomorrow, it's the meeting at the docks.
Tonight it's comedy entertainment with young Bill.
Horrible film. And then I come to find out after that film. that all the
lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all the lesbian sex scenes were cut
out of that film, because the test audience was turned off by them.
Ha. Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America.
I don't want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy, but er that was the only
reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test audience,
the only one out front protesting that film would have been Michael Douglas
demanding his part be put back in, alright?
"I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was."
"Gee Mike, the movie started. Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an
hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. I err, I don't remember seeing
your scrawny ass, Mike."
"Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?"
ha ha haw.
Goat boy called it like he saw it Mikey.
You made your 14 mill, now hit the fucking road. Goat boy has invited some
people over to see the video premiere of the Goat-Boy Edited Version.
Ha ha ha.
I am Goat boy.
"What do you want, Goat Boy? You big old smelly, shaggy thing?"
Ho ho ho.
Goat Boy is here to please you.
"How?"
Ha ha ha.
Tie me to your headboard, throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear
you like a feed-bag Pnaar wwww.
"Aaargh!"
Hold onto my horns.
"Goat-Booooy!"
Yes my love.
"You're a big old smelly thing."
Ha ha ha.
I need professional help at this point
I think I need a priest at this point.
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
"What have you done my son?"
"Well, I said the word 'fuck' gratuitously."
"Yes and what else, my son?"
"Er... [giggles]
I lied."
"Yes and what else my son?"
"That's about all, oh oh one thing I keep thinking I'm a randy goat, fucking
everyone. Ha ha ha. baaaaaa"
Unless of course it's a woman priest in which case it'll go like this:
Forgive me Father for what I'm about to do.
Dodoby doo. People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing, you
know. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests
of both sexes I don't listen to. Ha, fuck, I don't care.
Have a hermaphrodite one. I don't fucking care. Have one with three dicks
and eight titties, I don't , I don't... You know, have one with gills and a
trunk. That would be cool. I might go see that, you know, but... You know, I
appreciate your quaint traditions and superstitions. I on the other hand am
an evolved being who deals solely with the source of life, which exists in
all of our hearts. Ha ha That middle man thing, it's wacky and I appreciate
it...
Gotta run, there's a voice a-callin' me.
Ha ha ha.
Now you guys are totally weird sexually. Here's why. Oh yeah, coming from
Goat Boy, oh boy.
"Yes Bill, and how is that? That we have human sex? Does that bother you
Bill?"
Goat Boy finds that disgusting. Where is the fun in that?
Ha ha.
Goat Boy loves young girls.
16 years old ooh Goat Boy, hello.
"Hi Goat Boy you big old smelly thing. Ooh you smell like an old boot."
Ha ha ha. I don't see you running away.
"I'm not scared of you... Besides, your eyes are really kind and peaceful.
Except for that fire that burns real far deep inside of 'em."
Ha ha ha
"Oh Goat Boy, what's that?"
That is my purple wand, and my hairy sack of magic.
"You do tricks?"
Ha ha ha.
"What can you do with that?"
Goat Boy can make a bell ring in your stomach
"What does that bell mean?"
It calls Goat Boy to dinner Ha ha. Gnoor.
"Goat Boy, aargh!"
"Okay Bill, stop with the Goat boy thing, we get it alright. It's kinda
amusing but... okay."
You don't like Goat boy?
Goat boy is hurt by your indifference.
He wanted you to come dance with him in the pastures. Ding ding.
Goat Boy wants to string flowers through your hair, and on your head.
Do do do be do.
"Why do you like young girls Goat Boy?"
Because you are beautiful. There's nothing between your legs, it's like a
wisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut. Ha ha ha. Gnor. And turn you
around and open your cheeks, it's like a little pink quivering rabbit
nostril.
Oh how cute!
I bet your asshole tastes better than most girls' pussies. Come here. Gnor.
"Goat Boooy."
Gnor.
"Shaggy old thing. I'm not going to kiss you, I don't know where your
mouth's been."
Do you want me to tell you?
"Okay, Bill seriously this Goat Boy thing, it's getting weird."
Ha ha Except for some of my goat children. [laughs, points into the
audience]
"Mooore, Faaather, mooore, more Goat Boy, Faather. We are your goat
children. We too lay in the forest waiting for young virgins to come."
But you guys are weird, get this. I'm walking down thought the West End one
day right and this bus-load of tourists from Iowa gets off the bus. Big cow
people, right? Bump into me and I go flying into this adult bookstore. And
my hands were in my pockets and I took em out and money flew out of my hands
and wafted down onto the cash register and this guy hands me a magazine. How
embarrassing. I go home immediately to the hotel and throw it away. Toward
the garbage, it breaks open, face up on the bed. Give me a break, Lord. But
I'm looking at your British hard-core pornography which I just spent
hard-core fucking dollars for. And I'm going, "something's wrong with this."
Goat Boy will figure it out!
I realise it's porno yeah just what we know and love, but there's blue dots
covering all the good shit! Woah, whaaat's going on?
There's a guy standing there like this.
There's a woman kneeling, well... I believe she was like this.
And there's this big blue dot right here.
What the fuck! This comes off I hope. [mimes scratching] What you gotta buy
the blue dot eraser separately. what the fuck? I'm an adult. Don' t protect
me. Let's go!
Goat Boy wants his money back.
You know. And then I see a club in the West end that has this marquee sign,
says Live Sex Show On Stage. I thought what a bummer actually have to be the
guy that holds the blue dot. [Mimes moving a blue dot up and down]
Alright but what's weird is, that's your hard core porno, then you go home,
turn on Channel 4 late at night, there's people fucking yeah they're right
there. No blue dot, just people fucking right there. Free, no money, people
fucking. It's a foreign film, it's art all of a sudden. Hey. Put some
subtitles in there. Here's your pussy, here, you got it. Everyone happy?
There you go, it's art, godammit. Alright, I see. You pay, you get ripped
off - free you get it all. Dig it, love it!
I am available for children's parties by the way.
"Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house."
Ha ha ha
But, you know...
Pot, right.
Aaah, they lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated.
Liiie. When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as
well, you just realise, it's not worth the fucking effort.
There is a difference.
"(toke, toke, toke) Sure I can get up at dawn (toke, toke), go to a job I
hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever, for the rest of my
fucking life.
Or I can wake up at noon and learn how to play the sitar!"
Nging nging nging now.
Pretty simple when it's spelled out in black and white isn't it?
You know. Only thing I've ever heard about pot is that pot might lower sperm
count.
Good!
There's too many fucking people in the world. Someone needs to say that by
the way. Tired of this, "Hey hey aren't we the coolest. Humans are so neat."
Too many of yer. Quit rutting, just for a fucking day. Let's work out this
food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting. But I'll tell you this. Where's
this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from. Ha, I missed that fucking
meeting, okay?
"It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle."
No it's not. No more than a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out
of your ass. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is. If, you you
wanna know what a miracle is. Raisin' a kid that doesn't talk in a movie
theatre. Okay, there, there, there is a goddam miracle. It's not a miracle
if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of mewling
cabbages on our planet.
And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately, the
miracle is spreading like wild-fire. "Hallelujah!" Trailer parks and council
flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles. Thunk, thunk,
thunk, like frogs laying eggs.
"Thunk, look at all my little miracles, thunk, filling up my trailer like a
sardine can. Thunk. You know what would be a real miracle, if I could
remember your daddy's name, aargh, thunk. I guess I'll have to call you
Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That's all I remember about your daddy was his
fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine ridden
semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby, urgh.
There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior."
"Hallelujah!" Hold on for a minute, let's figure out this food/air deal
okay? Okay. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids
to come to? Ha haokay it's me, fuck it. Drop 'em like fucking flies, boom,
just full up the world with em. I just don't get it you know, I mean I'm
sorry man, you know kids are fine, just keep em away from me. Alright there,
alright.
Now get this, I've been travelling all over the country on British Air. No
smoking on British Air. Now let me get this straight, no smoking right but
they allow children. Little fairness, huh?
"Well smoking bothers me."
Well guess what?
I was on this one flight right, I'm flying, I'm sleeping on the plane, I'm
fucking "knackered". Very tired right and I feel this tapping on my head.
And I look up and there's this little kid - loose! on the fucking plane,
he's just loose. It's his playground in the sky. And he has decided that his
job is to repetitively tap me on the top of the head.
I look across the aisle at his mom. she's just smiling, you know.
Guy next to the mom goes, "They're so cute when they're that small."
Isn't that amazing, letting your kid run loose on a fucking plane. And then
the kid runs over to the emergency exit and he starts flipping that handle
to the door. And the guy next to the mom starts to get up, and I go, "Wait a
minute... we're about to learn an important lesson right here."
Kwoooshh.
Why you're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is.
God, I wish I had a camera right now.
With a telescopic lens.
Like to get a picture of his face when his pudgy little legs hit that
farmhouse down there.
Aah, aah, kids. Ha hha.
Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here can we smoke now? Fairly well
circulated at this point. Woosh. True story. But, you know.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet.
Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit...
paranoid? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against
the fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions,
all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying to
God made a mistake. You know what I mean, it's like God on the seventh day
looked down on his creation:
"There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can rest."
[Mimes God looking around - spotting pot]
"Oh my me."
"I left fucking pot everywhere."
"I should never have smoked that joint on the third day ..shit."
"That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still gives me a chuckle."
"If I leave pot everywhere that's gonna to give humans the impression
they're supposed to... 'use' it."
"(sigh) Now I have to create Republicans."
And God wept. I believe is the next verse. You know what I mean? I believe
that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed
up and facilitate our evolution. Okay, not the most popular idea ever
expressed. Either that or you're real high and agreeing with me in the only
way you can right now.
"I forgot the code, is it two blinks yes, one blink no?"
Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident? Where do
you think the phrase, 'that's good shit' came from? Why do you think Hindus
think cows are holy? Holy shit! Why do I think MacDonalds is the
Anti-Christ?
That's God little accelerator pad for our evolution. Let's think about this,
man. For billions of years, sorry fundamentalists, we were nothing but apes.
Hahahaha. Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you know.
[Mimes ape chasing and losing a cow]
[Ape spots shit]
[Wipes it offf foot]
[Eats mushroom - begins to giggle]
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
[laughs hysterically before lying back spaced out]
"I think we can go to the moon."
('Thus Spake Zarathustra' plays) [Applause]
That is exactly how it fucking happened.
Except for the marketing people whose belief is,
"No, it was proven that er it might be a good market on the moon and eer and
a lot of people went up there, good numbers, good space numbers..."
Urgh. Save your story of creation please.
Not all drugs are good, now. Okay? Some of em are great. Just gotta know
your way around em that's all.
Yeah I've had good times on drugs. I've had bad times on drugs too. I mean
shit, look at this haircut. There are dangers.
I think some of y'all have tripped here before perhaps yeah?
I used to love tripping, man. There's always one guy when you're tripping
who wants you to do something to enhance the trip. You know what I'm talking
about.
"You're tripping? Oh duuude, you gotta play miniature golf."
[Bill hangs onto the table]
Ha ha Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, man.
I'm just sitting over here watching the pyramids be built by UFOs right now,
but get me to that fucking golf course.
I'm watching Jesus flying around on a unicorn, but I bet that little
miniature golf would be just the thing to make this trip peak.
So you guys can use your legs huh?
No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right now and er how 'bout I meet
you there later? Thanks, I'm pretty fucking high right now. Thank you. You
know. You just gotta be careful, I don't know what you gotta be, fuck it.
We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the cops.
Don't recommend it.
Cops don't appreciate fish driving around.
They frown on that.
Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window. We're staring at him in
this mirror.
"How tall are you?"
"A liddle cop, look at him!"
"How does he drive that big fucking car?"
"Urr, there could be thousands of them, shit!"
"What are we gonna do?"
"Let's put him in the jar."
Made perfect sense at that moment.
Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid, leave him by the road.
"You'll never get us copper. Haha."
"We'll send some little firemen to let you out."
"Hey I bet they know where the miniature golf course is!"
"Boo! Haha.. Fuck it, they scared us."
"Son d'you wanna stand up please?"
"I just found the driver."
"We don't need a driver, we're playing miniature golf."
True story. Now, later, when I was released [laughter] I mean spiritually...
Oh God.
"I need to see some ID."
"I'm me, he's him, you're you."
"Put your hands against the car please."
"Which one. The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?"
Drugs have done good things for us, if you don't believe they have, do me a
favour - take all your albums, tapes and CDs and burn em cos you know what,
the musicians who made that great music that has enhanced your lives
throughout the years?
Rrrrreal fucking high, ha ha ha ho ho.
And these other musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out
against them?
Boy, do they suck!
What a coincidence!
Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's
cock, each and every one of them. Gnorr.
"We're rock stars against drugs cos that's what the President wants."
Aw, suck Satan's cock.
That's what we want isn't it, government approved rock n roll? Whooh, we're
partying now!
"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."
Gnorr. Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink
that black worm jism. Drink it! Fill your little bellies.
Ha ha ha. Send in Vanilla Ice.
Hello Vanilla.
Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to be a
star.
I think something can be arranged.
Whuh. Suck Satan's cock. Gnoor.
I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of American
Gladiators on every tv. I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old
girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy.
GnnooOOooOor.
Send in MC Hammer on your way out.
Hello Hammer.
Back again, huh?
Boy, that Hammer. There was another boat that left me on the island, man.
"Bill, are you gonna get on the Hammer boat with us?"
"No, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh."
Beep, beep. Totally mystifying, I mean, you know you could sit and explain
it to me from now until, well, the end of time, and I'll go, "Fucking don't
get it, man." I, It.. it's geni.. it's con, genital? it's err genetic!.
Maybe it is genital, Hay, wait a minute. Freud, come here!
"Hammer's a great dancer."
Whaaat? The guy's gotta a sand crab in his knickers. [Dances] He's not
dancing, he's having a fit! That's Satan's sperm eating its way through the
lining of his stomach.
Gnoor.
15 minutes almost up, Hammer!
Ooorgh argh.
Ha ha ha. Send in Marky Mark.
You know what I mean though, am I the only one that's fucking lost here?
You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do ya. Isn't that weird
cos most of the experiences I've had on drugs, were rrreal fucking positive.
Er. Who are these morons they're finding that's what I wanna know. I used to
want to call the news,
"Come over to our house! Watch Tommy's, he's a pig, film him!"
"Oink oink."
"Hee hee, he's been doing that for hours. He's killing us. You getting all
that?"
You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it.
"Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a
tragedy."
What a dick, fuck him!
He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the
ground first? Check it out.
You don't see ducks lining up to catch elevators to fly South. They fly from
the ground, you moron. Quit ruining it for everybody. He's a moron, he's
dead, good. We lost a moron, fucking celebrate.
Boy I just felt the world get lighter - we lost a moron.
Put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance!
[dances]
"We lost a moron." I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am
so that's the way it comes out. Professional help is being sought.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once?
To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and
superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
"Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy
condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness
experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is
only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."
"Here's Tom with the weather."
You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it. There is a point, is there
a point to all of this? Let's find a point. Is there a point to my act? I
would say there is.
I have to.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on
it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the
ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and
it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while.
Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to
question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have
remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "hey - don't worry, don't be
afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."
And we... kill those people.
Ha ha
"Shut him up."
"We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of
worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real."
Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that,
you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter
because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a
choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right
now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on
your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all
of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a
better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each
year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the
world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we
could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
Thank you very much, you've been great.
[Applause]
I hope you enjoyed it. London, you were fantastic, thank you, thank you very
much.
[bow]
[bow]
[three shots ring out - Bill crumples to the ground]
CUT: Bill slams against the Monolith, and slides to the ground
CUT: the riderless white horse walks along the road, away from the camera
VO: It's Just A Ride... It's Just A Ride...
Dave Kenworthy
"Covenant" <cove...@joelamb.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:avaimr$pku$1...@news8.svr.pol.co.uk...
>
> Can't recall where I got this.....
>
> Covenant
> A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands
>
>
>
> IT'S JUST A RIDE
> FROM THE VIDEO TOTALLY BILL HICKS
> Transcribed by Simon Coyle
> [Bill Hicks]:
> The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on
> it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the
> ride goes up and down and around and around and it has thrills and chills
> and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud. And it's fun, for a
> while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin
to
> question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have
> remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey, don't worry,
don't
> be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride."
<snip the rest>
I love that monologue...I became redundant in November and and used this
very quote as the 'introduction' to my farewell email to colleagues. Now
this is one you really *could* pin to grandmother's headstone!
--
Dave Kenworthy
-----------------------------
Changes aren't permanent - but change is!
Om shanti
Someone really ought to put them all together, certainly, on a web
site. I nominate John Ashcroft.
Om shanti
Pete
Ta
Pete
Dan Sarazen
"Christine Gartner" <verycr...@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:sCPR9.16973$jM5....@newsfeeds.bigpond.com...