frat gay boys are coming out more and more!
lamb...@my-dejanews.com
http://www.rpi.edu/~driscj/
The Daily Pennsylvanian
http://www.dp.upenn.edu/
December 7, 1998
Gay men face challenges within U.'s fraternities
Whether in the closet or out, some homosexual men find only tenuous support
in the fraternity system.
By Catherine Lucey
The Daily Pennsylvanian
[Photo by Kathleen Chen, The Daily Pennsylvanian: College senior and Delta
Tau Delta brother Michael Hammer discusses issues faced by gay fraternity
brothers.]
Mike was a brother for almost a semester before he began to question his
sexuality.
Once he realized he was gay he faced one of the hardest tasks of his life
-- coming out to his fraternity.
Mike first came out to one of his brothers, a close friend who Mike said
was understanding of him.
"I talked to one of the brothers," said Mike, who asked that his last name
and fraternity not be identified. "I said it's not a choice. It's not
something you can choose."
Telling the rest of the fraternity was far from easy, Mike said. He
explained that a few brothers in the house gave him a hard time about being
gay. "I think there's a lot less sensitivity in a fraternity," he noted.
Derogatory comments and jokes became frequent. Finally, Mike asked the
fraternity's president to help him stop the constant verbal abuse.
Overall, Mike said, the guys in the house tried to be supportive. They
decided that if Mike wanted to live in the house for a second year, the
fraternity would ask the brothers who were making derogatory comments to
move out.
But Mike decided it would be better if he was the one to move out.
"I think its a lot easier," he explained. "It gives me some peace of mind."
But despite that decision, Mike has not abandoned the fraternity altogether.
"When I leave [Penn] I don't want to regret anything," he explained, adding
that he has stayed active in the fraternity because he does not want to
"miss out" on social experiences due to his sexual orientation. The
fraternity has provided him with a social center and a group of close
friends, Mike added.
But his sexual orientation has definitely proven to be a barrier between
him and the house.
"It was awkward when I had my boyfriend over," Mike noted.
The president of Mike's fraternity stressed that most of the brothers were
supportive of Mike, and those that initially weren't learned from the
experience.
"Once people began talking out loud and not whispering behind Mike's back,
a dialogue was started that brought the house closer together," he said.
"I definitely feel that gay men can be comfortable in a fraternity
environment," the fraternity president explained, adding that, "It does
take time for people to adjust, but that is to some extent to be expected."
'Gay, Greek and Proud'
The issue of being gay in a fraternity came to the forefront two years ago
when former Penn student Ron Jenkins wrote two columns about being a gay
fraternity member, one for "34th Street"magazine and one for "The Daily
Pennsylvanian".
Initially Jenkins wrote a column entitled "Gay, Greek and proud," saying
that his house, Sigma Phi Epsilon, was very accepting of his sexual
orientation. But over time, Jenkins began to feel that his brothers
displayed homophobic prejudices, and his second column said that the
fraternity was not an "acceptable community" to live in as a gay man.
"I read that column when I was in the closet," said College senior Michael
Hammer, a gay Delta Tau Delta brother, "and his story made a lot of sense
to me."
Jenkins did not respond to a request for comment.
InterFraternity President Josh Belinfante said he does not believe
fraternities aren't supportive of their gay members. He explained that,
"After going through pledging and becoming a brother, it's my belief that
the fraternity would be supportive."
But he conceded that the atmosphere in many fraternities may not be
conducive to their happiness.
Acting as a Role Model
Scott Reikofski, director of the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs,
explained that fraternity life is typically uncomfortable for gay men.
"Frats are a very heterosexual environment. There's a lot of talk and
pressure about who are you dating and what are you doing with her," said
Reikofski, who is gay.
Belinfante, a College senior, acknowledged that when you "get together
males from [ages] 18 to 22, similar topics [such as girls] are going to be
brought up."
Reikofski added that there are a "couple of handfuls" of individuals who
are in fraternities and openly gay.
"If you go by the generally accepted 8 to 10 percent [of the population
that is gay], there's probably 140 to 160 gay frat men," he said. "But only
20 or so are out."
Reikofski said that he had a positive experience as a member of Lambda Chi
Alpha at the University of Northern Colorado -- but he didn't come out of
the closet until after he graduated.
"Going to school 12 years ago in rural Colorado, it wasn't really something
that I saw as an option," he explained.
Reikofski said he tries to act as a role model for gay students on campus,
adding that he believes that was one of the University's expectations when
he was hired.
He has also devoted time and energy to co-writing a chapter in the second
version of the book "Beyond Tolerance Toward Acceptance," which will be
published soon. The book examines different issues facing gay and lesbian
students on college campuses. His chapter focuses on homosexuality within
the Greek system.
Reikofski said gay men and women are hurt by stereotypes that encourage the
belief that they join Greek organizations to find sexual partners.
"People assume that gay men or lesbian women would join fraternities or
sororities to hook up," Reikofski noted, adding that "they join for the
camaraderie, not for romance."
Out in the Cold
One of the most harmful situations for gay fraternity members is when
someone "outs" them, Reikofski said.
Hammer, the gay DTD brother, said he was "outed" by a closeted brother in
the fraternity who exposed Hammer's homosexuality without revealing his own.
Hammer said he joined the fraternity to try to end the confusion about his
sexuality.
"I wanted to be a boy and do what boys did," he explained, adding that a
"fraternity is about boys getting together and doing boy things, drinking
beer and having parties."
But Hammer said he could not deny his sexual orientation forever. After
being outed he went through a difficult period when he turned to the club
scene and drugs for happiness.
Now Hammer said he realizes that isn't the type of life he wants to lead.
He said he has now "gained strength in himself."
Hammer, unlike Mike, said that being in a fraternity didn't make coming out
any harder, because "coming out is the hardest thing that anyone can do"
anyway.
But Hammer said if he had known his sexuality beforehand, he may have opted
out of Greek life.
"I'm not sure if I had made my decision to come out earlier that I would
have joined a fraternity," he said. "It's a hard scene for someone who's in
the closet, and it's not the same for someone who is open[ly gay] than for
someone who is heterosexual."
Hammer had to face offensive comments when he first came out, but he said
the brothers who made them have since left the fraternity.
He also considered quitting the fraternity but he decided after a
discussion with his parents that "by remaining in the fraternity it sets a
good example for other gay men who want to be in a fraternity."
Hammer said that the current DTD brotherhood respects him as a friend. He
also feels comfortable bringing boyfriends to the house and brought a
straight male friend to the fraternity's last formal.
Although Hammer said he enjoys the company of his fraternity brothers, he
doesn't know if the system is ready to welcome gay men with open arms.
"I can't say that homosexuals will feel entirely comfortable in any
fraternity other than a fraternity full of gay men," he said.
Sexual Interaction
National gay leaders claim that although fraternities often engage in
homoerotic activities either as part of pledging or a male bonding ritual,
fraternities shun gay members because they pose a challenge to the
masculinity of the institution.
Shelby Blanton, the director of the National Collegiate Pride Association,
a national gay-rights organization that focuses on campus issues, said
fraternity brothers engage in homoerotic behavior such as "masturbating
with each other or 'circle jerk'," but do not want members to define
themselves as gay.
Belinfante said that he had no knowledge of homoerotic sexual interaction
between fraternity brothers at Penn.
He also said that he believes fraternities do not isolate their gay members
and in fact can be very supportive.
Blanton, a seventh-year senior at Northern Arizona University, said that
although a gay brother may be threatening to some fraternities, it's also
possible for a gay person to "feel quite comfortable in a heterosexual
[fraternity] environment."
But Robert Schoenberg, director of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Center, noted
that being gay in a predominantly straight fraternity is difficult.
"My essential position is that although there certainly are some gay
students who are out and accepted, most gay men in fraternities at Penn are
not," he explained.
Remaining Active in the House
Another Penn fraternity member, Christopher, said that he feels comfortable
within his fraternity -- he lives in the house and is the chapter treasurer
-- despite his homosexuality.
"I wanted to join because a lot of my friends were joining," he explained.
"But I was concerned that I couldn't be in a frat and be gay."
But Chris, who requested that his last name and fraternity affiliation not
be printed, said his brothers were supportive and that he "never got any
negative feedback."
Although Chris enjoys the camaraderie in the house and his close
friendships, he noted that being a gay fraternity brother does prove
difficult at times.
"There was a lot of tension in the house [last year]," he said. "I felt
like a lot of the brothers were very tense, and they thought that my being
gay and their knowledge of that was going to adversely affect the house."
The danger, as Chris explained, is that his house would get a reputation as
"the gay frat" and then no one would want to pledge the house.
"I considered [being president] last year and ended up not being president,
in part because we thought that might send the wrong signals," he said.
Some brothers told Chris they thought he would not be an appropriate
president. "I was kind of hurt that people thought that," he said.
But Christopher said he believes his house is more open and accepting than
other fraternities.
"I know of gay brothers at a lot of fraternities; I know they're still in
the closet," he noted, adding that some brothers may remain in the closet
because they fear becoming uncomfortable in the house.
Chris said he believes no one in his fraternity feels threatened by his
sexuality, although he said that it often confuses them.
"Every once in a while they'll say 'I don't understand why you don't like
girls'," he said laughing, "Well I don't understand why you don't like
guys."
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Barry W. Davidson
ivy league school. at these and other high-rent schools, there is a kind of
liberalism that is not omni-present at most of the rest of american
univerisities.
barry davidson
dri...@nwu.edu
p.s. i also want to point out about the nebulousness and the stupidity of
kyle's headline: frat gay boys are coming out more and more". there is not a
mass occurance of gay "frat" boys comming out. if this was the case, then i
would still be in alpha phi omega and i would be in a national greek house
today as an alumni member. the reason why i could not be part of both
organizations is that i was outted as a gay before people could have gotten
to know me.
p.p.s. kyle has pissed me off more now than jamie gregorian. (gregory was a
christian who created the gregorian calendar. is jamie really christian?)
Jamie A. Gregorian
> p.p.s. kyle has pissed me off more now than jamie gregorian. (gregory was a
> christian who created the gregorian calendar. is jamie really christian?)
My father is Christian (Armenian Apostolic). My mother is Jewish (and a
New York Jew at that). As I'm sure you know, the mother's Judaism is what
makes one Jewish. Still, we have a Christmas tree, and get Christmas
presents. My friends in elementary school were always jealous because we
got Chanukah and Christmas presents. Little did they know that Chanukah
presents, by nature, have to suck. :)
--
Jamie Gregorian greg...@jmu.edu
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DRS
:In alt.college.fraternities Barry W. Davidson <bwd...@merle.acns.nwu.edu>
wrote:
:
:> p.p.s. kyle has pissed me off more now than jamie gregorian. (gregory was
a
:> christian who created the gregorian calendar. is jamie really christian?)
:My father is Christian (Armenian Apostolic). My mother is Jewish (and a
:New York Jew at that). As I'm sure you know, the mother's Judaism is what
:makes one Jewish. Still, we have a Christmas tree, and get Christmas
:presents. My friends in elementary school were always jealous because we
:got Chanukah and Christmas presents. Little did they know that Chanukah
:presents, by nature, have to suck. :)
I thought you had to suck them... or am I thinking of something completely
different?
--
Beware of the Spam-Dog
Barry W. Davidson
>In alt.college.fraternities Barry W. Davidson <bwd...@merle.acns.nwu.edu> wrote:
>> p.p.s. kyle has pissed me off more now than jamie gregorian. (gregory was a
>> christian who created the gregorian calendar. is jamie really christian?)
>My father is Christian (Armenian Apostolic). My mother is Jewish (and a
>New York Jew at that). As I'm sure you know, the mother's Judaism is what
>makes one Jewish. Still, we have a Christmas tree, and get Christmas
>presents. My friends in elementary school were always jealous because we
>got Chanukah and Christmas presents. Little did they know that Chanukah
>presents, by nature, have to suck. :)
i suspected you were from a mixed marriage due to your sloppy deductive
reasoning about judaism.
see, aposticalism is a evangelical protestant sect. apostolics believe that
the only way to heaven is to be born again through belief in jesus christ.
by having both a christmas tree and a menorah, your parents gave you the
false notion that judaism is synonymous with christianity. it is not.
judaism is very simular to islam, but not christianity. as a jew, i could
never believe the trinity is real, i was taught that it was paganism.
however, i can't be one to judge other religions.
this is off topic.
however, now i know the basis and source for jamie's sloppy reasoning.
the diaspora lives on.
barry davidson
dri...@nwu.edu
RONIN®
crayola:
>i suspected you were from a mixed marriage due to your sloppy deductive
>reasoning about judaism.
>see, aposticalism is a evangelical protestant sect. apostolics believe that
>the only way to heaven is to be born again through belief in jesus christ.
>by having both a christmas tree and a menorah, your parents gave you the
>false notion that judaism is synonymous with christianity. it is not.
>judaism is very simular to islam, but not christianity. as a jew, i could
>never believe the trinity is real, i was taught that it was paganism.
>however, i can't be one to judge other religions.
>this is off topic.
>however, now i know the basis and source for jamie's sloppy reasoning.
>the diaspora lives on.
>barry davidson
>dri...@nwu.edu
You know, for a guy who's asking everyone else to be accepting
of his sexual orientation it doesn't sit well to slam other people
religions.
RONIN® - The Unforgiven...
http://members.tripod.com/~kenpo_ronin/dragon.html
"Even in the face of armageddon,
there will be no compromise...Justice DOES matter..."
Jamie A. Gregorian
> bwd...@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Barry W. Davidson) scribbled with their
> crayola:
>>i suspected you were from a mixed marriage due to your sloppy deductive
>>reasoning about judaism.
You have always made claims similar to this, but never proved them. I'm
sorry you have a problem with my parents' "mixed marriage" but it really
doesn't have anything to do with you.
>>see, aposticalism is a evangelical protestant sect. apostolics believe that
>>the only way to heaven is to be born again through belief in jesus christ.
>>by having both a christmas tree and a menorah, your parents gave you the
>>false notion that judaism is synonymous with christianity.
Barry, you seem to specialize in talking like someone "in the know" when
in fact you are totally off base. You don't know how my parents raised me.
By having both a Christams tree and a Menorah, my parents tought me
appreciation of both sides of my heritage.
As for being evangelicals, we have not really practiced my father's side
of religion. My mom is the religious one in the family, my dad was never
much of a churchgoer.
>>it is not.
>>judaism is very simular to islam, but not christianity. as a jew, i could
>>never believe the trinity is real, i was taught that it was paganism.
>>however, i can't be one to judge other religions.
Yet you do so right here. It's a shame that your religious bigotry has
taken over. Barry, you can attack me on religious grounds all you want. If
you're trying to elicit a homophobic response, it won't work. If you're
trying to expose your ignorance, you've done a marvelous job in the past,
and continue to do so.
>>this is off topic.
>>however, now i know the basis and source for jamie's sloppy reasoning.
>>the diaspora lives on.
Poor Bigot Barry...
> You know, for a guy who's asking everyone else to be accepting
> of his sexual orientation it doesn't sit well to slam other people
> religions.
But Barry's a liar, a fool, and hypocrite. I wouldn't expect anything
less.
Barry W. Davidson
>But Barry's a liar, a fool, and hypocrite. I wouldn't expect anything
>less.
>--
>Jamie Gregorian greg...@jmu.edu
but jamie is stupid, misled, and foolish. i would not expect anything less
from someone who celebrates christianity and judaism as a sort of hybrid
religion.
jamie, don't forget your chanukhah bush.
barry davidson
dri...@nwu.edu
Ryan
emphasize the importance of both of their religious backgrounds. To
celebrate both Christianity and Judaism in a mixed household shows tolerance
and understanding. Barry on the other hands shows bigotry and ignorance.
Jamie has never indicated that he nor his family ever practiced some sort of
'hybrid religion' as Barry put it. Barry, you rapidly prove yourself to be
the equal of Kyle Chen. Is that your objective?
Barry W. Davidson wrote in message ...
LilSnakeyK
>less.
Well said Jaime, Well said!!!
Erin
Jamie A. Gregorian
<bwd...@merle.acns.nwu.edu> wrote:
> but jamie is stupid, misled, and foolish. i would not expect anything less
> from someone who celebrates christianity and judaism as a sort of hybrid
> religion.
> jamie, don't forget your chanukhah bush.
More religious bigotry from Barry W. Davidson. I wish I was surprised by
it...