I took the Avatar Masters course in Orlando in late summer of 1995. The
first couple of days were fairly uneventful, just getting routed on,
paying up, signing the $10,000 bond (stating I wouldn't reveal the
confidential materials), and getting used to my roommate, who had a
taste for incredibly high volume, violent TV programs. It turned out
that I didn't really spend a lot of time in my room due to this. I
really regret not having gotten a private room! If you take Masters,
get a private room. Really, you'll thank yourself. The course attracts
all kinds, and imagine being stuck in a room with someone you can't
I hit a bit of a snag a couple of days into the course because I had a
misunderstanding about the check sheet procedures. Honestly, I had not
been told that each exercise or drill done on the course had to be
checked off by a supervisor before moving forward to the next item.
There weren't many instructors, and I estimate there were about 300
students on the course, so it only made sense to just move along with
the work and get my items checked off when a supervisor was available.
The entire atmosphere seemed pretty free and easygoing, and I liked
that aspect of it. I felt confident that everything was going to be
just fine. It seemed like a highly cooperative environment.
This is how I (and other students I had been working with) were
proceeding, until I asked Susan to check off a few items for me one
afternoon. She informed me that each item should have been checked off
as soon as it was completed, so I'd need to go back and redo all the
items I had finished without the proper sequential initials from the
This served to slow me down quite a bit, as I had a full day's work
(hard work at that) that needed to be checked off. Now Susan was
telling me I needed to do it all over again? This would set me back a
full day on my course! I pointed out that the supers I worked with
before had been checking off several of my items at a time, and it
hadn't previously been considered a problem. So, I was as polite as
possible and just sort of disappeared back into the classroom and
proceeded on with my course, thinking I could get one of the supers I
had been working with before to check me out at the end of the day,
thus saving my full day's work. This didn't happen, instead I got
snagged by Avra. Ah, the dread!
She called me over to the side of the classroom where the supers had
their table set up. In what I can only describe as an extremely
condescending manner, she questioned me about what problems I was
having with the course. I told her I wasn't having any problem at all;
there had just been an issue with getting my check sheet items
initialed by supervisors, so instead of waiting in long lines to have
things checked off, I'd been moving along on the course and getting the
items initialed several at a time. I'd been doing this for a couple of
days and it was working out fine. I said I evidently misunderstood the
proper protocol, and Susan had told me I needed to redo all the items
for that day, but I didn't feel that was at all necessary. I asked Avra
to please check off my items, and in the future I would make sure I was
careful to have each one checked as I completed them before moving on.
Avra was simply dripping sympathy for poor little me at this point. She
looked extremely concerned. Her attitude was starting to really creep
me out! I didn't see that this minor situation merited such seriousness
on her part.
Again, she asked me to explain to her what problems I was having on the
course, and asked if I was stuck in a creation. Again I said I was not
having problems on the course; everything was fine. However, I felt it
was quite arbitrary to ask to me redo an entire day's course work
because I had failed to get initials from supervisors.
At this point, I already know that if there wasn't a problem before,
there was going to be one soon. I was getting annoyed, but still
thought I might be able to reason with her and get her to understand
that this was not a creation I was sitting in, it was just the simple
fact that I had worked very diligently that day and felt good about how
much I had accomplished, so I did not want to be set back a day on my
course. I invited her to quiz me on anything I was asking to have
initialed. I knew the material very well.
The Masters course is fairly extensive, and I certainly did not want to
take any chances on not completing it. I had paid a small fortune to
come down to Orlando from Los Angeles for ten days to take it. Avra
didn't seem to understand what I was saying at all. She obviously could
not see the simple logic of me not wanting to redo a full day's work.
I wondered: Is that really so difficult to understand?
Oh but lucky me! Avra had the solution to my problem! She told me to go
out and walk around the lake near the hotel for the rest of the day and
run the repetitive process, "Why do I hate myself?". She said I had
Surely you jest, the reader might say! Nope, this was the big cure-all
for poor me, stuck in this identity of obvious hatred for myself. Now,
my "identity" and I saw it differently. I said to Avra, "Wait a minute,
that doesn't make sense! This is only going to slow me down on my
course even further, and I assure you I am not upset. I'd be happy as a
clam if I could just get my check sheet signed. That's all I am asking
here. I am not understanding how we got to this point with this!"
Avra was all sweetness and light. Poor, stupid me. Of course I was just
a victim of my own creation. After being around her for 15 minutes, I
wasn't so sure a little walk around the lake was such a bad idea. I
mean, this was serving to introvert me considerably.
I don't know if you've ever walked around a lake in Florida in late
summer, but it isn't all that pleasant. It was hot and humid, but
still better than being in that course room with all this going on. So,
I decided to just go along with her. It didn't seem I had much of a
choice. I mean, she's Harry's wife. I imagined that if I didn't manage
to get along with her, it wasn't going to make my life any easier. So I
agreed to take a walk around the lake, and asked her to please show me
the reference for the specific process she had asked me to run.
Having spent eight years in Scientology and being a trained auditor, I
wasn't exactly wet behind the ears when it came to the myriad of
drills, processes and the like that one is asked to do. Avatar has many
direct similarities to Scientology, but I knew immediately that such a
process as the one she was asking me to run could only be designed to
"cave one in"-- meaning it appeared to be rather introspective and
counterproductive. I wouldn't recommend taking a walk and running the
process "Why do I hate myself?" Anyone with or without training can
clearly see the futility of such a question. What a creation Avra had
I saw the shadow crack her little sweet and light face when I said I'd
be happy to run the process; all I needed was a copy of that process in
writing. I just needed to know what reference I was working with.
"For instance," I asked, "how will I know I am finished? What is
the end result of this process?" These are standard technical
questions. I knew Avra was also a Scientologist, so she understood
exactly what I was getting at. Now SHE seemed to be having a bit of an
identity problem! At this point, she became a little snippy. "This
process has not been published yet," she said.
"Oh, so shall I run the process and write up in detail what I
experience and give you any input as to whether I think it's workable?
I mean, am I testing it for the first time or have you had other
students run this before? I just need to know what I am working with
here. Shall I run the process until I realize I really do hate myself
and then stop? Or should I run it until I realize I hate myself and
proceed until I love myself? Or how does this work?" Avra didn't seem
to have all the answers anymore. For one so enlightened, who could see
my evil invisible stuck identity she certainly didn't seem very
knowledgeable when it came to the specifics. Funny, that.
Hey, at this point I knew I was digging my own grave--she was getting
pissed! So, I backed off and apologized and said I guess I'd just go
walk around the lake and I was sure I would understand what she meant
if I just stopped thinking about it and was willing to feel and
experience it. You know, I gave her the story line she wanted to hear.
Hmmm, was that a tad bit of relief I saw on her face when I agreed to
bugger off for the afternoon?
So off I went to walk around the lake. I actually did run the process
"Why do I hate myself?" for awhile. But still, I didn't know what to
do with this process. Was I supposed to come up with instantaneous
answers and discreate them? Was I supposed to write down my answers
and show them to Avra? What the hell exactly was I supposed to
do?--especially since I was pretty certain that hating myself was a
creation I had yet to...well, create. Even Harry says it's pretty
stupid to give someone a belief they did not have before so they can
set about discreating it. What a waste. As for that invisible
transparent identity that I was dramatizing--well, insert Twilight Zone
music here. Who knows?
Eventually my mind wandered off to other things, such as: Why exactly
did I feel deep down that I was somehow being targeted? Was I being
paranoid? I doubted it. If Scientology taught me anything at all. it
taught me to trust my own knowingness and instincts. If something seems
completely wrong, more than likely it is. That's just a fact you learn
after a few years of hard knocks in the name of saving the planet: The
means do not justify an end.
--END PART ONE
Avra, did you ever try running this reverse process on yourself after
you invented it? Check it out as a projection.
Why do you hate yourself? Try it with a few "terminals" and see how it
Maybe Roger (Smith), your sheepish former husband? Maryann, the little
Dianetics salesgirl who bought the books with her birthday gift money?
LInda Rosin? Kathy? Gale? Make a list. Surely there are others.
Why don't you put on your garter belt and some S&M boots with 8" spike
heels and walk around the lake doing the process for the rest of the
day... or week.
Let us know what the EP (End Phenomenon) is, OK?
Here's the EP!
It's "Dress Up Like Eldon on the Streetcorner Day"?
I wasn't referring to the internet rumor of how you make a living in Gay
Paree (how do you make a living?).
I was simply giving you a bit of parody... a dose of your own medicine.
> Speaking of dressing up, is it true that one of the Stars Edge trainers
> was canned for being overweight? The rumour seems to be she presented a
> bad image to the public based on her appearance? Was it Kayt Kennedy?
Actually, that person is Kayt Campbell. On my Masters she was
affectionately known as "Korpulent Kayt" or "Jabba the Kaytt." But
that was more than 10 years ago. If she continued to expand, she would
be pretty large by now.