BIG 'hemorrhoid' issue...!

[pla...@iamerica.net]

HEMORRHOIDS IN BIBLE...!!

To get a flavor of the Bible contents as
it applies to (for example), the human defecation
process, we can begin by reading about the
curse of the 'golden hemorrhoids'. This story also
has a humorous side as we'll see.

The story begins with the loss of the Ark
of the Covenant. The Ark was a box in which
the Israelite God, Yahweh "...may dwell..."
(Exodus 25:8). He could also be carried about
while residing within this box. One day
"...the Philistines took the Ark, and brought it
from Ebenezer unto Ashdod...they brought
it into the house of Dagon, and set it by
Dagon. And when they of Ashdod arose
early in the morning, behold, Dagon was
fallen upon his face to the earth before the
Ark of the Lord. And they took Dagon
and set him in his place again. And
when they arose early on the following
morning, behold, Dagon was fallen
upon his face...and the head of Dagon
and both the palms of his hands were
cut off upon the threshold; only the
stump of Dagon was left to him."(1 Samuel 5:1-4)

The Hebrew 'kaphyad' translated 'hands',
actually means 'genitals'. Also, the Hebrew word
'iqqar' translated 'stump', is an genital euphemism
for 'roots'.

And so "...the hand of the Lord
was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he
destroyed them, and smote them with
EMERODS, even Ashdod and the coasts
thereof...and they carried the Ark of the
God of Israel unto Gath...and the hand
of the Lord was with a very great
destruction: and he smote the men
of the city, both small and great, and
they had EMERODS in their SECRET PARTS.
Therefore they sent the Ark of God to Ekron.
And it came to pass, as the Ark of God
came to Ekron, that the Ekronites cried
out saying, They have brought the Ark of
the God of Israel to us, to slay us and our
people...for there was a deadly destruction
throughout all the city; the hand of God
was very heavy there. And the men that
died not were smitten with the EMERODS:
and the cry of the city went up to heaven."
(1 Samuel 5:6-12----the Hebrew 'ophel'
translated 'emerods' means 'hemorrhoids').

Hemorrhoids make for difficult,
painful, and bleeding bowel movements.
They also otherwise cause discomfort,
irritation, and itching in the anus area.
Generally they must be surgically removed,
not a pleasant prospect in those days.

After seven months of this, the
Philistines decided to return the Ark and
appease the Israelite God with a gift of
"...Five golden EMERODS, and five
golden mice, according to the number of
the Lords of the Philistines...Wherefore ye
shall make images of your EMERODS, and
images of your mice that mar the land;
and ye shall give glory unto the God of
Israel...And take the Ark of the Lord, and
lay it upon a cart; and put the jewels of
gold, which ye return him for a trespass
offering, in a coffer by the side thereof;
and send it away, that it may go...And
they laid the Ark of the Lord upon the
cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold
and the images of their emerods...And
the cart came into the field of Joshua,
in Bethshemesh...and the Levites offered
burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices
unto the Lord...And these are the
golden EMERODS...And the golden mice."
(1 Samuel 6:1-18----another Hebrew word
'techor' is used here also to mean 'piles in the anus').

All was not well however, for the
Lord "...smote the men of Bethshemesh,
because they had looked into the Ark of
the Lord, he smote of the people fifty
thousand and three score and ten men:
and the people lamented...And they sent
messengers to the inhabitants of Kirjathjearim,
saying...Come ye down and fetch the
Ark up to you."(1 Samuel 6:19-21). It
took quite a few more years to get every-
thing sorted our properly, but at least, in the
meantime the Israelites had the golden
hemorrhoids and the golden mice.

The Philistines were certainly
taking a chance by sending 'golden mice'
to the Israelites. Yahweh had long since
declared mice as unclean. Mice are one
of the unclean animals listed in Lev 11:29.

Nothing was said about golden
mice however, so it can be safely assumed
that the Israelites were not adverse to keeping them.

The golden hemorrhoids posed no
such concern at all, for they are not listed
among the unclean things of either
Deuteronomy or Leviticus.

Hemorrhoids also put in an appearance
earlier when Moses threatened the Israelites
with "...the Lord will smite thee with the BOTCH
of Egypt, and with the EMERODS, and with the
SCAB, and with the ITCH...(Deuteronomy 28:27).

In the times of Saul and David, the
Lord again put the Philistines to shame when
"...he smote his enemies in the HINDER parts..."
(Psalms 78:66----the Hebrew 'achor' for 'hinder
parts', actually means 'backsides' or 'rear parts').
The passage continues "...He put them to
a perpetual reproach.". It's certainly unsettling
to consider that todays decendants of
those ancient Philistines still carry that cursed
malady in their RUMPS.

Saaaaay, what's for dinner?