Puns of the Weak 2-11-00

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Stan Kegel

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Feb 12, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/12/00
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Puns of the Weak ending 2-11-00

My friend wanted to go skiing out west in mid-February, but she had to
work late the day she was to leave and almost missed her flight. She was
so happy to get on the plane just as the door was closing and, after
all, arrive at the ski slope just in time for the last lift of the day.
So she celebrated Vail In Time Day.(Archives)

Shouldn’t clockwise be a person who always knows what time it is? (Wally
& Ethel)

Earlier today, my girl friend was brushing on some stuff onto her
eyelashes I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she used it
before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her why,
She said, "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara." (Archives)

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them. (Lee PA)

On the Valentine's Day before the birth of our first child, I brought a
flowering plant home to my pregnant wife. "They're mums," I told her,
pleased with my pun. Since it was already a week past her due date, my
wife quipped, "You should have gotten impatiens." (Archives)

To continue, push any key. To quit, push any other key. (Archives)

What do you call a dog that throws up in the house? Homesick! (The Pun
Page)

Deedja here they're making a movie about Muhammad Ali's daughter who's
recently taken up fighting? We're still not sure what the film will be
called because there's still a title fight but you can be sure when the
video comes out, the producers will have to letter box it (Gary Hallock)

Why didn't the fish want to make love? He had a haddock. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Did you know Rabbis get $50 for circumcisions? Plus tips, of course.
(Ms. Kitty)

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? (Marsha in Texas)

"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The
physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an
opthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots." (Becky Shiles)

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW! (Archives)

Stalemate: A lover who has grown predictable in bed. (Richard Lederer)

The Love Life of Woody Allen by Robin D. Cradle (Stan Kegel)

The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going
down the drain. (JoLene)

What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out. (R. Clark)

The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going
down the drain. (JoLene)

Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm
an anti-climb Max." (Ron Klar)

If anyone ever creates a list of the best spitters, I should be on the
list. I expect to rate well. (Warren Allen)

Why is the zebra is a fitting national animal for South Africa? It has
an op-art hide (By Stan Kegel)

In the Soviet Union, when they want people to hurry up, they tell them
to quit Stalin and start Russian. (The Pun Page)

Confucius saying:
Carpenter who build round house
Not play square with you.
(Lars Hanson)

What did the famous WWI spy say when future Pres. Truman apologized for
the army's discourteous treatment of her? It doesn't Matah, Harry
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Being Baroque is when you're out of Monet (The Pun Page)

Two vampires did ruthlessly pounce
On a boxer, I'm sad to announce
With a pillow, 'tis said
They then smothered him dead
Seems the fighter's gone down for the counts
(By Gary Hallock)

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curves away. (Bill Keane
in Family Circle)

Indispose: How de photographer wants you to stand. (Jay Christie)

People with unconventional beliefs often congregate insects. (P. C. Swanson)

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington, DC" When asked what the "DC" stood for, the
pupil added, "Dot com!" (Susie Mundy)

By George, I've forgotten the name of the last King of England! (Dano)

I haven't had any tooth decay yet," said Tom precariously. (Archives)

You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth. (Erma Cohen)

I have a relative who is doing extremely well in the janitorial service
business; he is really cleaning up. (Harvey Gordon)

Whorehouse: A business dedicated to making sure the customer always
comes first.(Richard Lederer)

“I burn with desire for you,” Tom said as he cauterize. (PANews)

Herpes Cineplex: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $12.50. (Slyvia)

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash? He's all right now. (GR8 Humor)

"I do" is the longest sentence in the American culture. (Sue Hunter)

If you engage in oral sex first, is it called a head start? (Don Thorn)

What did the fisherman say to the magician? Take a cod, any cod.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Nudist: A buff that you just have to bare with who is wrapped up only in
himself, on whom nothing looks good, who puts on air, who grins and
bares it, and who wears a one-button suit. (Richard Lederer)

A woman who got strung out on credit cards wonders if there's a life
after debt. (Bill Copeland)

"Rumbling, Schmumbling!" retorted Bulornus to his wife's alarm at the
sounds coming from Mt. Vesuvius, "that stupid Volcano alwavs makes
noise, and besides, our insurance agent at Pompeii Mutual says … that if
it does erupt we'll be covered." (John L. Ashman)

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi (The Placebo Page):

When two trucks carrying soft drinks collided, there was a pepsi-dent.
(Pun of the Day)

A golf player's fate:
Gators got him on the course.
How was he? Teed off!
(By Cynthia MacGregor)

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! (Archives)

Captain Hezekiah Hornpipe, lately master of the whaling bark “Priapus”
had not slept soundly since that bleak September morn on the Arctic
Ocean when the great white sperm had crushed his dinghy, scattering
seamen across the waves. (Lawrence Dorr)

When priests have a good idea they are supposed to parish the thought.
(Pun of the Day)

There was a lady friend who had twin boys and the only way she could
tell them apart was by their balls. One bawled all day and one bawled
all night (By Clynch Varnadore)

A record store might give a discount on a record that falls off the "Top
50" chart, and advertise it as a slipped disc. (Harvey Gordon)

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years (David Bunch)

Italy; 1550 A.D. Due to unpaid taxes, the Italian government puts a lien
on the tower of Pizza. (Dano)

A hustler of pool that I knew
In a stage he was just going through
Auditioned one day
To appear in a play
But lost out just for missing his cue
(By Gary Hallock)

Heavens to Besty! I can't remember the lady's name who made the first
American flag! (Perfect Tommy)

Then there was Groucho's sister, Stretch. (Becky Shiles)

"Oh dear! I've missed you so much!" said the sweet young thing, then
she raised the revolver and tried again. (Jokemaster)

I met a lady for dinner at Taipei Restaurant which she thought was for
people with Type A personalities! (Dennis Gittinger)

Shortcoming: Premature ejaculation (Richard Lederer)

Should Chevy Chase his dog down the street? (Dave Coble)

When I went from L.A. to Portland, I booked a berth on Amtraks "Coast
Starlight." I had never slept in a berth before, so before retiring for
the night, I taught myself how to prepare one. I folded and unfolded it
several times to get the hang of it. You might say I was practicing
berth control. (Dano)

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. (Jennifer Jewell)

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