Recycled Humor - Christmas
sylvia
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
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Hey, I did call this 'recycled, right?
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SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
I.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under
18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children
of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces
the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At
an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold,
that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at
least one good child in each.
II.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks
to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This
works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the
chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to
be false, but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-
hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of
sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles
per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best)
15 miles per hour.
III.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium
sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over
500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land,
a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight
or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the
weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates
enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer
in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening
sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would
be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right
about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds,
would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.
A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
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You just might be a Scrooge--
--with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy!
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka
and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers
away --you just might be a Scrooge
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas --
you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or
Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson --
you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you
just might be a Scrooge
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might
be a Scrooge
If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a
Scrooge
If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon - you
just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a
Scrooge
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log
- you just might be a Scrooge
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might
be a Scrooge
If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat - you
just might be a Scrooge
If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets -- you
just might be a scrooge
If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you
just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung
by the KKK choir - you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge
If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors'
string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with
eggnog - you just might be a Scrooge
And, finally - if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -
you just might be a Scrooge
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Warning to the thin-skinned, this last one gets a bit rude....
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The 12 Days of Christmas....
December 14, 1995
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear
Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
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December 15, 1995
Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine -- Two Turtle Doves!! I'm delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
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December 16, 1995
My dear Bob, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one!! Now I actually must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity -- Three French Hens! They
are just darling, but I must insist -- You've been too kind.
All my love,
Violet
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December 17, 1995
Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds.Now, really,
don't you think they ARE beautiful, but enough is enough ?
You are just being too romantic.
Love, Violet
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December 18, 1995
Dear Bob, What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five
Gold Rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love
it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they
are getting on my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
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December 19, 1995
Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there
were actually Six Geese-a-Laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again. Those geese are huge.
Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them ?
The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep
through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
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December 20, 1995
Bob, What the hell is with you and these fucking birds?
Seven Swans-a-Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this ?
There's bird droppings all over the house and they never stop with the
racket. I can't get a damn bit of sleep and I'm a a nervous wreck.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not =
funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
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December 21, 1995
O.K. Pal!
What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids-a-Milking
?? Well, Shit! I think I prefer the damn birds. The damn
maids-a-milking had to bring their damn cows, there is cow shit all over
my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can't even move my feet.
Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.
Violet
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December 22, 1995
Listen, Shithead! You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping
in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This,
after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the
cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds.
What am I to do ?? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
Up yours,
Violet
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December 23, 1995
You rotten PRICK! Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night
long. Now the damn cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit. the Commissioner of Zoning and the
Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this
building should not be condemned. I'm calling the police! I mean it, by
god
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December 24, 1995
Listen, FUCKHEAD:
Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a
witness to Eleven Lords-a-Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They
took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk
exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way.
The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras
and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have
the first Christmas Special on Pay TV. For the record, all 23 birds are
dead. They were They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my
witness, some how, some day, I'LL GET YOU! I never want to see your
fucking face as long as I live !!
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
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LAW OFFICES OF GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG, O'REILY
December 25, 1995
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming,
which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet
Habersham. The destruction of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely,
Anthony Gionetti, Esq,
Associate
--
PhoenixWench
Please p&e as my server eats posts
like cereal ;-)
Donna Leaf
sylvia wrote:
>
> TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR CATS
>
>
>
> 1. Wreck the Halls!
>
Several years ago, a friend of the DH sent us a Christmas card with a
cartoon of a bull in a leather jacket sitting astride a motorcycle -
inside it read
Wreck the Malls with Cows on Harleys
MM
--
Donna Leaf - mrfi...@pacbell.net - Mrfislaw99 on AIM
"I learned more from failure than I learned from success...."
- Barry Manilow, "God Bless The Other 99"
Lee S. Billings
>If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon -
>you just might be a Scrooge
I didn't know Santa played Hearts! And how would you depict that in an
ornament, anyhow?
Celine (trying to look innocent...)
Raymond Haelund
>child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
>sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
>distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
>whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the
>chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
He upgraded to a Pentium III when Rudolph started hanging out in the Red
Light District :)
Fax Paladin
> If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas --
> you just might be a Scrooge
These days, that's getting harder *not* to do, now that the
SuperHugeBiggieMarts tend to include gas pumps in a corner of the parking
lot...
Fax
--
a"} HAVE PUN, WILL TRAVEL |jwa@play --
/_\ Fax Paladin, Waco | http://members.aol.com/joewabbott
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"It'll all work out." "HOW?!"
"I don't know -- it's a mystery."
Stoppard & Norman, "Shakespeare in Love"