A man walks into a bar...

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Marc Nano DeMarco

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Oct 21, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/21/96
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Nano wanders back into Callahans, and stands where everyone
can see (and hear) him, and says "A man walks into a bar,"
A silly grin begin to spread accross his face, but he stops
it, and continues "and says "ow!". For anyone who doesn't
immediately get it, I'll give you this clue: It's not a bar
like Callahans. Think about it, and if you still don't get
it, I'll try and explain it :)."

Nano

Greg Whitman

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Oct 21, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/21/96
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"Marc "Nano" DeMarco" <Na...@Cris.com> wrote:
>Nano wanders back into Callahans, and stands where everyone
>can see (and hear) him, and says "A man walks into a bar,"
...
> ... "and says "ow!".


I heard a different version. "A guy walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'"

If you pause, the joke loses about 70% of its comedic impact.


--
__ __ __ __ __
__ / __ / __ / __ / __ /
/ /_ / /_ / /_ / /_ / /_
/_ /_ /_ /_ /_

Jim Walke

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Oct 21, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/21/96
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So this termite walks into a bar, and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The
bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The duck answers,
"Outside, there's thousands of 'em!"

So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender
says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?"

So this hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get
out of here, we don't serve food here!"

So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!"
--
Jim
tig...@izzy.net
Home of the Cheezy Weasel.


Ieuan

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Oct 22, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/22/96
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On Mon, 21 Oct 1996, Greg Whitman wrote:

> "Marc "Nano" DeMarco" <Na...@Cris.com> wrote:
> >Nano wanders back into Callahans, and stands where everyone
> >can see (and hear) him, and says "A man walks into a bar,"
> ...
> > ... "and says "ow!".
>
>
> I heard a different version. "A guy walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'"
>
> If you pause, the joke loses about 70% of its comedic impact.

Or:
Two men walk into a bar.
The funny thing is, the second one didn't see it either.

Or for really bad taste...
Two baby seals walk into a club.

You didn't hear me say that.

Ieuan
*----------------------------------*
"Any day above ground is a good day"

Bruce E Golightly

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Oct 22, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/22/96
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Excerpts from netnews.alt.callahans: 21-Oct-96 Re: A man walks into a
bar... by Jim Wa...@izzy.net
> So this termite walks into a bar, and asks "Is the bar tender
> here?"

Wood the termite had read the Michelin (sp?) guide. Mahogany victuals
that show up.

>
> So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The
> bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The duck answers,
> "Outside, there's thousands of 'em!"

Is this an ad hominum remark?

>
> So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender
> says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?"

This one may be recycled.

>
> So this hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says,
> "Get out of here, we don't serve food here!"

Somebody call the ACLU. And quit hamming it up.

>
> So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!"

To which the barterder replied "Moove along."

Anam

grammarfascist

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Oct 22, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/22/96
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A man walks into a bar with a carrot behind his ear and calmly sits down
and orders a drink. He does this every day for a week, while the bartender
gets more and more curious about the carrot. Then one day, the man comes
in with a banana behind his ear. The bartender gives in and says, "Okay,
I'll bite. _Why_ do you have a banana behind your ear?"
The man looks calmly at him and says, "Couldn't find a carrot."

--Rose, thinking about twelve-inch pianists and many other fine (or not
so) bar jokes

ROSEv1.2b * Projected release date: May 2000 * Email for details

FuzzyBear

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Oct 22, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/22/96
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"Two guys walk into a bar... Damn, you'd think ONE of them would
have seen it!"

Cheers.
--
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Ben Okopnik, the FuzzyBear %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% TechnoWizard*Sailor % For moral deformation, send a safety- %
% Sybarite*Hedonist % stressed stomped antelope, or visit %
% Writer*Tinker*Engineer % http://usvi.net/cobex/people/ben %
%%%%%%%%%%%% No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Greg Whitman

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Oct 22, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/22/96
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"Jim Walke" <tig...@izzy.net> wrote:


[litany of x-walks-into-bar jokes]


Ok ok one more:

This slightly unraveled and tied piece of string walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "hey, aren't you a piece of string?"
And the strings says, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Greg "two guys walking down the street ... first guy says 'I haven't
had a bite in days!' ... so the second guy bit him" Whitman

the Grand Clavister

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Oct 23, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/23/96
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...and says to the bartender, "A shot of whiskey, and have one for
yourself!"
The bartender, happy to oblige, pours two shots of whiskey and the
two men each down one. "That'll be seven-fifty," says the 'tender.
"I haven't got a cent on me, " grins the abortive customer.
So the bartender beats the living daylights out of him and throws
him out of the bar.

Two days later, the same guy walks in, and says to the bartender, "A
shot of whiskey, and have one for yourself!"
Now, the bartender assumes that no man'd want TWO such beatings, so
he pours the two shots. "That'll be seven-fifty," he says.
"I haven't got a cent on me," says the customer again.
So the bartender smacks the living daylights out of him and throws
him out of the bar.

Two days later, in limps the exact same guy. "A shot of whiskey,
please."
The bartender, angry but curious, asks, "Aren't you going to buy ME
one?"
"Not at all," exclaims the patron, "you get violent when you drink!"

the Grand Clavister
[A happy drunk since 1970]
--
I'M HARD AT WORK ON 'THE RING OF KEYS': AN APOTHEOSIS FOR YOURS TRULY
AND A CATACLYSMIC ORGY OF WEIRDNESS THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD FOREVER.
PLEASE HELP ME BY SENDING KEYS OF ANY SHAPE OR SIZE TO: O.L.I.N.Y.K., P.O.
BOX 2559, GRAND CENTRAL STATION, NEW YORK, NY 10163. YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

nyjtm

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Oct 23, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/23/96
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The Tin Woodman (clatteringly) adds:

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks,
"Where did *that* come from?"

The duck replies, "It all started with a pimple on my a*s."

- Jim M. (*EV-rybody* wants ta get inta de act!) O-
--
http://www.bway.net/~nyjtm
St. Bart's Players (NYC)- http://www.panix.com/~dalroth5 - 1996-97
season!

Jim Walke

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Oct 23, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/23/96
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This new guy walks into a bar on a Friday evening, and orders
three beers, to be served all at once. This happens the next Friday, and
the next, and the barkeep finally asks him why. The guy explains that he
used to frequent this particular bar in his youth, and every Friday would
have a beer with his two dear brothers, and the "the three beers at once"
is an homage, now that the other two have gone their separate ways.
So, this goes on for almost an entire year, and then one gloomy
Friday, the man only orders two beers. The bartender immediately offers,
"I'm so sorry about your loss." The man counters with, "What loss?"
"Well," says the barkeep, "I'm just assuming that one of your brothers
has passed away."
"Oh no," says the man, "I've just quit drnking."

Steve Irvin

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Oct 23, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/23/96
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Two guys walk inta a bar...


Which is really stupid, cause if the first guy walked into it the second
guy must have seen it!!

Thank you Howie Mandel.

Steve

grammarfascist

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Oct 23, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/23/96
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign on the wall that reads "Open Mike
Tonite! Most Bizarre Performance Wins Free Drinks For A Week!" Interested,
he sits down and watches the performers. Some are good, some are bad, but
no one is really bizarre. Quietly, he signs up, and is the last person on
the list.
When his turn comes, he walks up to the mike and opens his backpack. Out
steps a foot-tall man, dressed in an exquisitely-made miniature tuxedo. He
opens the backpack the rest of the way, and pulls out a miniature grand
piano. The little man sits down and begins to play the most beautiful
music anyone there has ever heard.
This performance wins hands-down, of course. When the pianist is finished,
he bows, and his keeper tucks him and the piano back into his backpack and
goes to start collecting his free drinks.
As the bartender passes him a beer, he says, "So, friend, at least tell us
where you found that amazing little man."
"Well," the other replies, "I was walking in a forest in Ireland when I
caught this leprechaun. He said that I could have anything I wanted in
exchange for letting him go. So I made a wish, and, well, here I am."
The bartender looks puzzled. "You wished for a piano player?" he says. "I
mean, I can understand music appreciation and all that--but you could have
gotten so much more!"
The man shakes his head. "You don't understand," he says sadly. "The
leprechaun was hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a
twelve-inch pianist?"

--Rose

Firesong

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Oct 23, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/23/96
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Firesong notes that Jim Walke spake thusly.

> So this termite walks into a bar, and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
>
> So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The
>bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The duck answers,
>"Outside, there's thousands of 'em!"
>
> So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender
>says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?"
>
> So this hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get
>out of here, we don't serve food here!"
>
> So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!"

A ghost walks into a bar, "Sorry," says the bartender ,"we don't serve
spirits here."

An old piece of rope walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a drink?".
To which the partender replies, "'Fraid not."

Firesong
--
New Web Page : http://www.firesong.demon.co.uk/
B. Bottle: What time is it Eccews?
Eccles: Ooo, wait a minute, a noice man wrote it down for me on a
piece of paper... It says here dat it's eight o'clock.
BB: Why do you have it written down on a piece of paper?
Ecc: Well, dis way, whenever anyone asks me de toim Oi can show it
to dem.
BB (puzzled): But Eccews, what if someone asks you the time and (pause)
and it ISN'T eight o'clock?
Ecc: Well den Oi don't show it to dem.
BB (exasperated): But how do you KNOW when it's eight o'clock?
Ecc: Well, Oi got it written down on dis piece o'paper...


Lady Cheron

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Oct 24, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/24/96
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grammarfascist wrote:
> [snip]

> The man shakes his head. "You don't understand," he says sadly. "The
> leprechaun was hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a
> twelve-inch pianist?"
>
> --Rose

Having paused to clean the morning coffee off her monitor and keyboard,
Lady Cheron begins a frantic search for the bag of peanuts she KNOWS
must be around somewhere. . . .

--
Lady Cheron (Yes, it's an ellipsis. . .but I can't help myself.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wargamers Website is up and running! Visit us at
http://www.patriot.net/users/wargamer Say "HI" to Cody!
--------------------------------------------------------------------

grammarfascist

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Oct 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/25/96
to

On Thu, 24 Oct 1996, Lady Cheron wrote:

> Having paused to clean the morning coffee off her monitor and keyboard,
> Lady Cheron begins a frantic search for the bag of peanuts she KNOWS
> must be around somewhere. . . .

Rose grins wickedly. "It could have been worse... there's an even longer
version about a guy who offers to light people's cigarettes with this
_amazing_ lighter...."

--Rose, who was always more partial to the foot-tall pianist than the
twelve-inch Bic

grammarfascist

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Oct 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/25/96
to

On Fri, 25 Oct 1996, FuzzyBear wrote:

> ...and then there was the guy who walked into a bar, and ordered a
> triple Scotch, straight up. The bartender says, "Whatcha celebratin',
> Mac?" The guy gulps his drink, wipes his lips, and says: "First
> time I ever had oral sex!"
>
> The bartender grins at him, and says: "Hey, all right! Lemme buy ya
> the next'un!" The guy says: "Naah... if the first one didn't get the
> taste out, the next one won't either."

A man walks into a bar late at night, near closing. No one's there but the
bartender, idly wiping the bar, and a gorilla--a really _big_
gorilla--standing behind the bar and glaring at the guy as though daring
him to come in any further.
The man walks in a bit hesitantly. The bartender looks up and says, "Oh,
don't worry about him. He's harmless. In fact, he can do some really neat
tricks."
"Oh, really?" the man says. "Like what?"
"Watch," the bartender says. He picks up a baseball bat from behind the
bar and whacks the gorilla across the forehead with it. The gorilla
promptly gets down on its knees, unzips the bartender's fly, and goes down
on him with expertise born of long practice. Afterwards, it zips up his
fly, stands up, and goes back to glaring at the customer, who's watching
with his eyes bugging out and his jaw on the floor.
"Pretty neat, huh?" the bartender says with a grin. "Want to try?"
"Well... okay," the customer says, a bit uncertainly. "But don't hit me so
hard."

--Rose

FuzzyBear

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Oct 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/25/96
to

...and then there was the guy who walked into a bar, and ordered a
triple Scotch, straight up. The bartender says, "Whatcha celebratin',
Mac?" The guy gulps his drink, wipes his lips, and says: "First
time I ever had oral sex!"

The bartender grins at him, and says: "Hey, all right! Lemme buy ya
the next'un!" The guy says: "Naah... if the first one didn't get the
taste out, the next one won't either."

--

Bambi Bellows

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Oct 26, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/26/96
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OK, how many jokes start...

A man walks into a bar only to see a sign "Free Beer -- Certain
Restrictions Apply". The guy says to the barkeep, "What kind of
restrictions apply?"

Barkeep: Well, you've got to do three things, then the rest of
the evening's beer's on the house.

Guy: Sounds good to me, what do I have to do?

BK: Well, first you have to drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila
in one chug. Then, there's an alligator out back with a terrible
toothache and you have to pull out the tooth with your bare hand.
Finally, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, and
you have to make her happy.

Guy: You're f*cking nuts. I'll buy my drinks, thank you.

Well, time passes, and the guy's had a few too many and says...

Guy: Awright, ware's dat tikeela?

BK: You're gonna do it?

Guy: Damn right, I'm gonna do it.

The barkeep hands the guy a fifth, and the guy just slams it down.
He stumbles out back to the alligator. There's terrible noises
thumping, screams and growns, and finally, the guy staggers back
into the bar with his shirt ripped and bloody and terrible gashes
across his face and torso, and sez: (scroll down)

Guy: Awright, where's the broad with the toothache?

Bambi jumps behind the bar and ducks.


Jim M. Pierce

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Oct 27, 1996, 2:00:00 AM10/27/96
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Bambi Bellows wrote:
[] Bambi jumps behind the bar and ducks.

chuckle. The one I heard was a Bengal tiger in one tent, a woman in
another tent, and a case of vodka in the first tent. Same punch line.

Oh yeah. "Peanuts !"

DJ.
--
Jim
Book: C. J. Cherryh 'Pride of Chanur'

Matthew T. Russotto

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Oct 27, 1996, 2:00:00 AM10/27/96
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In article <54s8d7$e...@dfw-ixnews2.ix.netcom.com>,

Bambi Bellows <bam...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
}across his face and torso, and sez: (scroll down)
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}Guy: Awright, where's the broad with the toothache?
}
}
}
}Bambi jumps behind the bar and ducks.

MTR picks up a single peanut, regards it carefully, and lofts it on a
steep trajectory over the bar.
8
--
Matthew T. Russotto russ...@pond.com
"Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice, and moderation in pursuit
of justice is no virtue."

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