I heard a different version. "A guy walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'"
If you pause, the joke loses about 70% of its comedic impact.
__ __ __ __ __
__ / __ / __ / __ / __ /
/ /_ / /_ / /_ / /_ / /_
/_ /_ /_ /_ /_
So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The
bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The duck answers,
"Outside, there's thousands of 'em!"
So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender
says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?"
So this hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get
out of here, we don't serve food here!"
So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!"
Home of the Cheezy Weasel.
> "Marc "Nano" DeMarco" <Na...@Cris.com> wrote:
> >Nano wanders back into Callahans, and stands where everyone
> >can see (and hear) him, and says "A man walks into a bar,"
> > ... "and says "ow!".
> I heard a different version. "A guy walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'"
> If you pause, the joke loses about 70% of its comedic impact.
Two men walk into a bar.
The funny thing is, the second one didn't see it either.
Or for really bad taste...
Two baby seals walk into a club.
You didn't hear me say that.
"Any day above ground is a good day"
Wood the termite had read the Michelin (sp?) guide. Mahogany victuals
that show up.
> So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The
> bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The duck answers,
> "Outside, there's thousands of 'em!"
Is this an ad hominum remark?
> So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender
> says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?"
This one may be recycled.
> So this hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says,
> "Get out of here, we don't serve food here!"
Somebody call the ACLU. And quit hamming it up.
> So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!"
To which the barterder replied "Moove along."
--Rose, thinking about twelve-inch pianists and many other fine (or not
so) bar jokes
ROSEv1.2b * Projected release date: May 2000 * Email for details
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Ben Okopnik, the FuzzyBear %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% TechnoWizard*Sailor % For moral deformation, send a safety- %
% Sybarite*Hedonist % stressed stomped antelope, or visit %
% Writer*Tinker*Engineer % http://usvi.net/cobex/people/ben %
%%%%%%%%%%%% No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
[litany of x-walks-into-bar jokes]
Ok ok one more:
This slightly unraveled and tied piece of string walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "hey, aren't you a piece of string?"
And the strings says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Greg "two guys walking down the street ... first guy says 'I haven't
had a bite in days!' ... so the second guy bit him" Whitman
Two days later, the same guy walks in, and says to the bartender, "A
shot of whiskey, and have one for yourself!"
Now, the bartender assumes that no man'd want TWO such beatings, so
he pours the two shots. "That'll be seven-fifty," he says.
"I haven't got a cent on me," says the customer again.
So the bartender smacks the living daylights out of him and throws
him out of the bar.
Two days later, in limps the exact same guy. "A shot of whiskey,
The bartender, angry but curious, asks, "Aren't you going to buy ME
"Not at all," exclaims the patron, "you get violent when you drink!"
the Grand Clavister
[A happy drunk since 1970]
I'M HARD AT WORK ON 'THE RING OF KEYS': AN APOTHEOSIS FOR YOURS TRULY
AND A CATACLYSMIC ORGY OF WEIRDNESS THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD FOREVER.
PLEASE HELP ME BY SENDING KEYS OF ANY SHAPE OR SIZE TO: O.L.I.N.Y.K., P.O.
BOX 2559, GRAND CENTRAL STATION, NEW YORK, NY 10163. YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks,
"Where did *that* come from?"
The duck replies, "It all started with a pimple on my a*s."
Which is really stupid, cause if the first guy walked into it the second
guy must have seen it!!
Thank you Howie Mandel.
A ghost walks into a bar, "Sorry," says the bartender ,"we don't serve
An old piece of rope walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a drink?".
To which the partender replies, "'Fraid not."
New Web Page : http://www.firesong.demon.co.uk/
B. Bottle: What time is it Eccews?
Eccles: Ooo, wait a minute, a noice man wrote it down for me on a
piece of paper... It says here dat it's eight o'clock.
BB: Why do you have it written down on a piece of paper?
Ecc: Well, dis way, whenever anyone asks me de toim Oi can show it
BB (puzzled): But Eccews, what if someone asks you the time and (pause)
and it ISN'T eight o'clock?
Ecc: Well den Oi don't show it to dem.
BB (exasperated): But how do you KNOW when it's eight o'clock?
Ecc: Well, Oi got it written down on dis piece o'paper...
> The man shakes his head. "You don't understand," he says sadly. "The
> leprechaun was hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a
> twelve-inch pianist?"
Having paused to clean the morning coffee off her monitor and keyboard,
Lady Cheron begins a frantic search for the bag of peanuts she KNOWS
must be around somewhere. . . .
Lady Cheron (Yes, it's an ellipsis. . .but I can't help myself.)
Wargamers Website is up and running! Visit us at
http://www.patriot.net/users/wargamer Say "HI" to Cody!
> Having paused to clean the morning coffee off her monitor and keyboard,
> Lady Cheron begins a frantic search for the bag of peanuts she KNOWS
> must be around somewhere. . . .
Rose grins wickedly. "It could have been worse... there's an even longer
version about a guy who offers to light people's cigarettes with this
--Rose, who was always more partial to the foot-tall pianist than the
> ...and then there was the guy who walked into a bar, and ordered a
> triple Scotch, straight up. The bartender says, "Whatcha celebratin',
> Mac?" The guy gulps his drink, wipes his lips, and says: "First
> time I ever had oral sex!"
> The bartender grins at him, and says: "Hey, all right! Lemme buy ya
> the next'un!" The guy says: "Naah... if the first one didn't get the
> taste out, the next one won't either."
A man walks into a bar late at night, near closing. No one's there but the
bartender, idly wiping the bar, and a gorilla--a really _big_
gorilla--standing behind the bar and glaring at the guy as though daring
him to come in any further.
The man walks in a bit hesitantly. The bartender looks up and says, "Oh,
don't worry about him. He's harmless. In fact, he can do some really neat
"Oh, really?" the man says. "Like what?"
"Watch," the bartender says. He picks up a baseball bat from behind the
bar and whacks the gorilla across the forehead with it. The gorilla
promptly gets down on its knees, unzips the bartender's fly, and goes down
on him with expertise born of long practice. Afterwards, it zips up his
fly, stands up, and goes back to glaring at the customer, who's watching
with his eyes bugging out and his jaw on the floor.
"Pretty neat, huh?" the bartender says with a grin. "Want to try?"
"Well... okay," the customer says, a bit uncertainly. "But don't hit me so
The bartender grins at him, and says: "Hey, all right! Lemme buy ya
the next'un!" The guy says: "Naah... if the first one didn't get the
taste out, the next one won't either."
A man walks into a bar only to see a sign "Free Beer -- Certain
Restrictions Apply". The guy says to the barkeep, "What kind of
Barkeep: Well, you've got to do three things, then the rest of
the evening's beer's on the house.
Guy: Sounds good to me, what do I have to do?
BK: Well, first you have to drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila
in one chug. Then, there's an alligator out back with a terrible
toothache and you have to pull out the tooth with your bare hand.
Finally, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, and
you have to make her happy.
Guy: You're f*cking nuts. I'll buy my drinks, thank you.
Well, time passes, and the guy's had a few too many and says...
Guy: Awright, ware's dat tikeela?
BK: You're gonna do it?
Guy: Damn right, I'm gonna do it.
The barkeep hands the guy a fifth, and the guy just slams it down.
He stumbles out back to the alligator. There's terrible noises
thumping, screams and growns, and finally, the guy staggers back
into the bar with his shirt ripped and bloody and terrible gashes
across his face and torso, and sez: (scroll down)
Guy: Awright, where's the broad with the toothache?
Bambi jumps behind the bar and ducks.
chuckle. The one I heard was a Bengal tiger in one tent, a woman in
another tent, and a case of vodka in the first tent. Same punch line.
Oh yeah. "Peanuts !"
Book: C. J. Cherryh 'Pride of Chanur'
MTR picks up a single peanut, regards it carefully, and lofts it on a
steep trajectory over the bar.
Matthew T. Russotto russ...@pond.com
"Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice, and moderation in pursuit
of justice is no virtue."