How to give a cat a pill.
David
1 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road
Apologize to neighbour's who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
--
David
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The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our
field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he
once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his
latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised
when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your
pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not
quite please me." Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic
suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.
"Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure
you can give it a better turn." After the reading, a good friend of
Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.
"There is no need to touch the lines," he said. "All you need do is
leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months
hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then
read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you
have, and will be answerable for the event." Pope took his advice,
called on Lord Halifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His
unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. "Ay", he
commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better." --
Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
SAMK
I've had that experience with a cat.
My dog doesn't even require hiding the pill.
SAMK