On the subject of penises ...

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Jim Johnston

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Jan 16, 2001, 12:43:42 AM1/16/01
to
Sailor Jim pauses in his latest endeavor and frowns. After a moments
contemplation, he saves his work and firmly closes his new fantasy G4
titanium PowerBook. After a meditative sip of his drink, he addresses
those around him.

"There are some literary subjects that have become total clichés and
attempting to describe an erect penis is one.

"I am writing a sex scene and my hero is now crossing the room while
fully erect. So, basically, his stiff dick is bobbing like a demented
conductors baton as he crosses the room ... however, one cannot simply
write, 'He crossed the room, his stiff dick bobbing like ... ' and so
forth. Well, one could if one was writing that sort of scene (and one
was half plastered), but this one cannot.

"To write anything referring to his 'turgid manhood' is also somewhat
tacky. Hell, just the term 'manhood' to describe the penis strikes me
as idiotic. A dick is no more one's 'manhood' than a hymen is one's
'maidenhood.' 'He strutted across the bedroom, his hard manhood
pointing the way' sounds somewhat he owns a badly named seeing-eye dog.
'Sit, Hard Manhood ... good boy.'

"Just describing the state of erection is tough. It is a simple matter
of erectile flesh and hydraulics, but damnably difficult to put into
terms romantic. 'His penis, reacting to his viewing her naked flesh,
achieved satisfactory erection, proving good vascular response and
socio/psychological adjustment." Oh, yeah ... baby, baby.

"Terms like 'throbbing,' 'pulsing' and all other variations of this
nature make it sound as if the silly thing had a blood pressure cuff
wrapped around it. 'His fleshy organ quickly surged into full
alertness, throbbing and pulsing and otherwise scaring the shit out of
him.' When I envision something throbbing, I imagine an action somewhat
akin to a bullfrogs throat sack as it croaks. THROB! Frankly, with
this in mind, if my dick ever took to throbbing, I'd call a doctor.
Matter of fact, I would think that any woman, faced with an actively
throbbing and pulsing penis, would be somewhat concerned as well. (I
don't know this for a fact, though ... Dian says that in certain
situations, the sight is somewhat excited, but the first time she
experienced this situation, she looked for a stick to kill it with.)

"And then there is the matter of size, shape, color and texture. Well,
he's the hero ... I suppose it should be heroic, but somewhat shy of
practical joke size. Shape, now, there's another difficulty ... as well
as color and texture. Hell, let's face it ... a dick is a fairly funny
looking, if not downright ugly, piece of equipment. Veins, bumps,
ridges and all that; a color that never matches the sheets, much less
the surrounding flesh (or any flesh, for that matter); an overall look
of a plum precariously balanced on a badly whittled rod. Let's not even
mention it and simply stick to the concept of a literary description of
my hero approaching the heroine.

"Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut?
Strikes me as a situation that calls for something more than 'walk,' but
something less than 'bound.' I could have the silly sod moonwalk across
the floor, but the resulting mental image ... damn, too late! Oh, well
.. another round of therapy. And what does the erect penis actually do
while he crosses the floor? Does it bounce against his belly, producing
it's own applause? Does it wave about in some sort of vague response to
his stride? Would it be feasible if I simply had him hang a towel from
the damn thing and skip the entire description?

"And what about the heroine? She is languidly reclining on the bed ...
and doing her level best to not bust a gut laughing, I suspect. Should
she stare? Gasp? Giggle? Ogle? Chant 'boingy, boingy, boingy' as he
approaches or whistle the 'Elephant Walk' in time to the swaying? This
is suppose to be a moment of strong passion and deep emotions ... but a
bouncing, throbbing, column of manhood slowly moonwalking forward ...
damn, gotta stop that image ... strutting towards her cannot be what
every woman dreams of in her fevered imagination. I want this scene to
be equally stirring to both men and women, but fear that this is
impossible."

Sailor Jim stares into the fire for a moment, then opens his PowerBook
once more. "Screw it ... or, rather, let's not. I'll simply segue from
her starting to slip out of her clothes to the morning after. Y'know,
the standard story cop-out. Thanks for letting me talk this one
through."

SJ

Random

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Jan 16, 2001, 1:18:46 AM1/16/01
to
Jim Johnston wrote:
>
> Sailor Jim pauses in his latest endeavor and frowns. After a moments
> contemplation, he saves his work and firmly closes his new fantasy G4
> titanium PowerBook. After a meditative sip of his drink, he addresses
> those around him.
>
> "There are some literary subjects that have become total clichés and
> attempting to describe an erect penis is one.

[wheezing in pain]

Oh me, oh my, I haven't laughed like that in a loooong while. The
Elephant Walk bit just destroyed me.

So of course I had to forward it to my 70 yr old mother- she'll laugh
till she's sick.

--
Random, Rocket Plumber
http://www.xcor-aerospace.com

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Leonard Erickson

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Jan 16, 2001, 3:53:22 AM1/16/01
to
suzilem wrote:
>
> "Jim Johnston" <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote in message
> news:3A63DF8D...@BellSouth.Net...
>
> <snip> (ooooch. that might not have been the best choice of words...)
>
> Some suggested verbage???
>
> As Angela reclined against the expanse of satin covering
> the antique four-poster bed, Jacques slowly turned from
> his examination of the dying embers of the once
> raging fire. Slowly and relentlessly he advanced across
> the room, his muscular physique illuminated by the
> dim light of the turgid coals, and his shadow looming
> longer and longer before him. As she watched him
> approach, Angela's avid glance strayed downward
> toward the rippling sinews of his thighs, at last centering
> on the object of her desire as Jacques dropped to
> his knees before her.
>
> "S'more?" Jacques enquired?

"That's *not* fair!" Nemo exclaims (once he manages to quit rolling on
the floor :-)


--
Leonard Erickson (aka Nemo) kal...@krypton.rain.com
"No, I will _not_ move your planet... What do you want to move it _for_?
It's fine right where it is!"
-- Dairine Callahan, Wizard (no relation)

Freyja

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Jan 16, 2001, 6:24:27 AM1/16/01
to
Jim, you have a way of describing things that I've never seen anyone
duplicate! Heck, you could take the worst event of my life and turn
it into a comedy. (A comedy I loved, no less.)

I guess I don't see an erect penis as ugly. Especially if I am the
proximate cause of it. <G> Then again, I am a lusty wench. And
texture? Ooh! Velvet on steel. Yum!

You'll find something to say.

--
Freyja (de-spam e-mail)
Queen of the Sim City Realm, Royal Order of W.H.I.N.E
http://eclecticeel.diz.nu
ICQ:9582706 AIM: FreyjaNurseWench


Rick Vermillion-Salsbury

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Jan 16, 2001, 9:08:40 AM1/16/01
to Sail...@bellsouth.net
(posted and e-mailed)

Jim Johnston wrote:

> Sailor Jim stares into the fire for a moment, then opens his PowerBook
> once more. "Screw it ... or, rather, let's not. I'll simply segue from
> her starting to slip out of her clothes to the morning after. Y'know,
> the standard story cop-out. Thanks for letting me talk this one
> through."

This sounds like one of those scenarios where the, ahem,
action might best be conveyed not by narrative, but dialogue
between the characters.

(Heinlein pulled this off quite well, I think, in _"The
Number of the Beast --"_. I've got some problems with that
book, but found it a little easier to believe some of the
wacky hijinks when I heard them described out loud by the
characters).

Regards,

--
Erick Vermillion-Salsbury
http://www.concentric.net/~erick/

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Jeff Zephyr

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Jan 16, 2001, 10:04:33 AM1/16/01
to
On Mon, 15 Jan 2001 23:43:42 -0600, Jim Johnston
<Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:

>Sailor Jim pauses in his latest endeavor and frowns. After a moments
>contemplation, he saves his work and firmly closes his new fantasy G4
>titanium PowerBook. After a meditative sip of his drink, he addresses
>those around him.
>
>"There are some literary subjects that have become total clichés and
>attempting to describe an erect penis is one.

Unless the goal of the story is to describe the sex going on, a
minimal expression is best. Sneaking down to the end of your post, it
seems like you already know that part.

If the situation is romantic, all you need to describe is the basic
situation, and the emotions felt. The visual details can be filled in
by any reader mature enough to understand the subject.

>"I am writing a sex scene and my hero is now crossing the room while
>fully erect. So, basically, his stiff dick is bobbing like a demented
>conductors baton as he crosses the room ... however, one cannot simply
>write, 'He crossed the room, his stiff dick bobbing like ... ' and so
>forth. Well, one could if one was writing that sort of scene (and one
>was half plastered), but this one cannot.

Hey, that's perfectly fine for a sex romp comedy scene.

>"To write anything referring to his 'turgid manhood' is also somewhat
>tacky. Hell, just the term 'manhood' to describe the penis strikes me
>as idiotic. A dick is no more one's 'manhood' than a hymen is one's
>'maidenhood.' 'He strutted across the bedroom, his hard manhood
>pointing the way' sounds somewhat he owns a badly named seeing-eye dog.
>'Sit, Hard Manhood ... good boy.'

It works great for romance stories, where it is polite not to use
certain explicit words for the areas involved. Also, if you want to
emulate older style sexy stories, you have to use the right terms.

Me, I figure if you are describing it to that point, you may as well
use current vernacular. But there isn't just *one* word that fits,
and the medical names just aren't used frequently in romantic
conversation (OK, sometimes it comes up).

>"Just describing the state of erection is tough. It is a simple matter
>of erectile flesh and hydraulics, but damnably difficult to put into
>terms romantic. 'His penis, reacting to his viewing her naked flesh,
>achieved satisfactory erection, proving good vascular response and
>socio/psychological adjustment." Oh, yeah ... baby, baby.

Well, that would work fine in a psychy kind of way. Or in a
humorous story ;-)

>"Terms like 'throbbing,' 'pulsing' and all other variations of this
>nature make it sound as if the silly thing had a blood pressure cuff
>wrapped around it. 'His fleshy organ quickly surged into full
>alertness, throbbing and pulsing and otherwise scaring the shit out of
>him.' When I envision something throbbing, I imagine an action somewhat
>akin to a bullfrogs throat sack as it croaks. THROB! Frankly, with
>this in mind, if my dick ever took to throbbing, I'd call a doctor.
>Matter of fact, I would think that any woman, faced with an actively
>throbbing and pulsing penis, would be somewhat concerned as well. (I
>don't know this for a fact, though ... Dian says that in certain
>situations, the sight is somewhat excited, but the first time she
>experienced this situation, she looked for a stick to kill it with.)

I'd take great care myself if that happened. Not sure where or when
the throbbing thing became a cliche -- maybe it is due to the heart
rate rising? But it sure doesn't apply to the organ in question.

>"And then there is the matter of size, shape, color and texture. Well,
>he's the hero ... I suppose it should be heroic, but somewhat shy of
>practical joke size. Shape, now, there's another difficulty ... as well
>as color and texture. Hell, let's face it ... a dick is a fairly funny
>looking, if not downright ugly, piece of equipment. Veins, bumps,
>ridges and all that; a color that never matches the sheets, much less
>the surrounding flesh (or any flesh, for that matter); an overall look
>of a plum precariously balanced on a badly whittled rod. Let's not even
>mention it and simply stick to the concept of a literary description of
>my hero approaching the heroine.

If you are writing a visual porn story, similar to a porn movie in
purpose, go for the details. Otherwise, I think that most readers can
fill in whatever they find attractive (if any). "Hard, ready for
action, and heroic" would probably work for any hero's organs,
regardless of actual size or color.

>"Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut?
>Strikes me as a situation that calls for something more than 'walk,' but
>something less than 'bound.' I could have the silly sod moonwalk across
>the floor, but the resulting mental image ... damn, too late! Oh, well
>.. another round of therapy. And what does the erect penis actually do
>while he crosses the floor? Does it bounce against his belly, producing
>it's own applause? Does it wave about in some sort of vague response to
>his stride? Would it be feasible if I simply had him hang a towel from
>the damn thing and skip the entire description?

One or more of the above. But unless you are trying for a bit of
humor, mentioning them in much detail isn't a good idea. The towel
hanging off, flopping around, does the same thing.

Nothing wrong with a bit of humor, it can actually be sexy, if it
helps them relax.

>"And what about the heroine? She is languidly reclining on the bed ...
>and doing her level best to not bust a gut laughing, I suspect. Should
>she stare? Gasp? Giggle? Ogle? Chant 'boingy, boingy, boingy' as he
>approaches or whistle the 'Elephant Walk' in time to the swaying? This
>is suppose to be a moment of strong passion and deep emotions ... but a
>bouncing, throbbing, column of manhood slowly moonwalking forward ...
>damn, gotta stop that image ... strutting towards her cannot be what
>every woman dreams of in her fevered imagination. I want this scene to
>be equally stirring to both men and women, but fear that this is
>impossible."

Hmm, both sexes respond to emotional input. The visual descriptions
can vary unpredictably in effect. Humor, I don't know -- a bit of
teasing in a good natured way isn't a bad thing, but for the 1st time
of consumating a great passion, might seem out of place.

>Sailor Jim stares into the fire for a moment, then opens his PowerBook
>once more. "Screw it ... or, rather, let's not. I'll simply segue from
>her starting to slip out of her clothes to the morning after. Y'know,
>the standard story cop-out. Thanks for letting me talk this one
>through."

You can have some details in. Just keep them to a minimum.

Unless you're writing sex stories. Then, you have to have some
details in there, or it won't fit the category.

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Jim Johnston

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Jan 16, 2001, 11:16:55 AM1/16/01
to
Sailor Jim walks in, somewhat grumpy, and orders his usual.

"Okay, this is the first time -- the very first time -- that I have found
my quirky sense of humor turned against me. Last night, I shut my computer
down, put the birds to bed, moved all the various cat people into the back
of the house (so the birds could actually sleep) and took a warm shower.
Dian, as usual, had already showered and I noticed she had used a little
Maja (an incredible perfume, I really recommend it to anyone who can find
it). Hot diggity, I knew what that meant and so did Squeeker. By the time
I left the bathroom, Squeeker was happily leading the way like a oddly
placed periscope on the sub of my body. I opened the bedroom door and Dian
was simply laying back on the bed, smiling. I grinned back and started
across the room.

"And she started chanting 'Boingy, boingy, boingy' and broke up laughing."
Sailor Jim drains his drink and requests a second. "Now, I have as good a
sense of humor as the next guy, even if the next guy happens to be Groucho
Marx, himself, but ... well, let's just say that it was a deflating moment
and leave the curtain drawn on the rest of the evening."

SJ

(He takes a deep swallow of his second drink and mumbles, "Nor did it help
matters when she commented, through her tears of laughter, that she finally
understood the phrase 'hoisted on his own petard!' ")

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Dan Goodman

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Jan 16, 2001, 11:40:11 AM1/16/01
to
In article <8np76t8cjseh1mq75...@4ax.com>,

Kris Overstreet <red...@detnet.com> wrote:
>On Mon, 15 Jan 2001 23:43:42 -0600, Jim Johnston
><Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
>
>>Sailor Jim pauses in his latest endeavor and frowns. After a moments
>>contemplation, he saves his work and firmly closes his new fantasy G4
>>titanium PowerBook. After a meditative sip of his drink, he addresses
>>those around him.
>>
>>"There are some literary subjects that have become total clichés and
>>attempting to describe an erect penis is one.
>
><snip>
>
>I have yet to find any situation in which sex was not the plot of the
>story where it was necessary, helpful, or desirable to portray a
>graphic sex scene.

Alex Comfort's utopian novel _Tetrarch_ would have been greatly improved
by the addition of at least one such scene. And his nonfiction work _The
Joy of Sex_ shows that he could have done it reasonably well.

Then again, _Tetrarch_ would also have been greatly improved by the
addition of a recipe for rutabaga chili or just about anything else.

--
Dan Goodman
dsg...@visi.com
http://www.visi.com/~dsgood/index.html
Whatever you wish for me, may you have twice as much.

Dan Goodman

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Jan 16, 2001, 11:44:13 AM1/16/01
to
In article <gob86tkk4koggo2ea...@4ax.com>,

<dennywS...@zipcon.net> wrote:
>On Mon, 15 Jan 2001 23:43:42 -0600, Jim Johnston
><Sail...@BellSouth.Net> held forth, saying:

>
>>Sailor Jim stares into the fire for a moment, then opens his PowerBook
>>once more. "Screw it ... or, rather, let's not. I'll simply segue from
>>her starting to slip out of her clothes to the morning after. Y'know,
>>the standard story cop-out. Thanks for letting me talk this one
>>through."
>
>Sounds to me like you should visit the alt.sex.stories.moderated group
>(just for research, right?) and see what some of the writers who post
>there have done with such scenes.

It's also a good place to see various ways a writer can go wrong.

Example: when you're writing a sex story about a game of strip poker, do
not concentrate on the card-playing details and strategies.

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Pen

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Jan 16, 2001, 1:40:07 PM1/16/01
to
In article <3A63DF8D...@BellSouth.Net>,
Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:

<snip, which in the circumstances may not be the best word to use>

>Sailor Jim stares into the fire for a moment, then opens his PowerBook
>once more. "Screw it ... or, rather, let's not. I'll simply segue from
>her starting to slip out of her clothes to the morning after. Y'know,
>the standard story cop-out. Thanks for letting me talk this one
>through."

Chortle!

I've read a fair number of sex scenes in my time, from the Harlequin
Romance style through fanfic to outright porn, and unless the sex scene is
the point of the story (ie some of the fanfic/the porn), I tend to find my
eyes skittering across the page in search of the morning after. After all,
the sexiest sex scenes are the ones in my head, not the ones someone else
has presented. I mean, each of us has hir own idea of what is sexy, what's
exciting, what's arousing - so by writing down the specifics, you risk
losing the interest of as many readers as are perked up.

So it's no cop-out if you choose to miss out on the details. It just
depends on what the scene is meant to convey. If all the scene is saying
is, "they had sex", you can skip it. If you want to show something else,
like the changing state of the relationship, you may have to write the
scene. Acourse, your gent could keep his clothes on until he's next to the
bed. Or he could carry his woman thither, and you could concentrate on her
instead. Whose POV are you using? I should think it would be a lot easier
to describe him from her point of view, or her from his, than to take a
'Peeping Tom' narrative stance.

Personally, I go for a giggle. A touch of humour enhances a love scene of
any intensity, to my mind, as well as making me like the characters more.
Also, something indirect. So a comment from the heroine along the lines of
"pleased to see me" or "be gentle with me" is all you really need.

Have fun!

Pen

<To email me, remove the obvious.>


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Jette Goldie

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Jan 16, 2001, 2:18:36 PM1/16/01
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Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote in message
news:3A646FE1...@BellSouth.Net...
>
>

> Sailor Jim carefully reaches up and nudges his jaw back into place. "Well
> done, indeed!" he finally manages to blurt out, "With, perhaps, one small
> error. To the best of my knowledge, which -- admittedly -- is somewhat
> lacking in this particular, no guy in his right mind would cook s'mores
> with his talley-wacker exposed! I mean, one drop of melted marshmallow
and
> it's good-bye to a night of passion and hello to an embarrassing
> explanation at the emergency ward."


Not fair, Jim! Now my husband is looking at me wondering
why I'm giggling!


--
Jette
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever!
jette...@thefreeinternet.co.uk
http://members.tripod.com/~bosslady/fanfic.html

Jette Goldie

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Jan 16, 2001, 2:15:49 PM1/16/01
to

Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote

>
> "And what about the heroine? She is languidly reclining on the bed ...
> and doing her level best to not bust a gut laughing, I suspect.

More or less what I did when my date of the evening - first date -
walked naked from the kitchen carrying two cups of coffee (in
his hands - he wasn't that talented <g>) without a word to suggest
that sex was an item on the evening's agenda. (it was his grandparents'
house, we'd stopped there on our way back from the city because
he "thought I might like to visit them" (they were friends of my
parents) even though I pointed out that when we'd left MY
parents' house his grandparents were visiting my parents. so
since it was a cold night he suggested I stir up the fire while
he made us some coffee - and two minutes later appeared
ready for action) (I couldn't help giggling - I was 16 and
he was 19)(and I was no blushing virgin - well technically
a virgin, but I'd had boyfriends and I knew what a penis
was)(now they call it "safer sex" - we called it "heavy
petting" <g>)

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Jim Johnston

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Jan 16, 2001, 2:49:42 PM1/16/01
to

Jacob Sommer wrote:

> Jim Johnston wrote:
>
> > Sailor Jim carefully reaches up and nudges his jaw back into place. "Well
> > done, indeed!" he finally manages to blurt out, "With, perhaps, one small
> > error. To the best of my knowledge, which -- admittedly -- is somewhat
> > lacking in this particular, no guy in his right mind would cook s'mores
> > with his talley-wacker exposed! I mean, one drop of melted marshmallow and
> > it's good-bye to a night of passion and hello to an embarrassing
> > explanation at the emergency ward."
>

> Do you mean to tell me that Dian hasn't made appreciative noises about
> you cooking while wearing just a smile?
>

Sailor Jim frowns slightly. "Ummm ... do you mean while I was cooking wearing
just a smile or her wearing just a smile while making appreciative noises. The
latter has occurred, since Dian shuns clothes while at home, but I always wear
at least an apron while around the stove. (Okay, maybe it's paranoid ... but
I've been spattered with hot grease more than once and if it hurt that bad on
the back of my hand ... well, I don't even want to risk it, y'know?)"

SJ


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Blanche Nonken

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Jan 16, 2001, 3:57:47 PM1/16/01
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Kris Overstreet <red...@detnet.com> wrote:

>
> I have yet to find any situation in which sex was not the plot of the
> story where it was necessary, helpful, or desirable to portray a
> graphic sex scene.

Mine uses a pair of trick handcuffs that are critical in a future scene.

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Jeff Zephyr

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Jan 16, 2001, 4:49:45 PM1/16/01
to
On Tue, 16 Jan 2001 10:16:55 -0600, Jim Johnston
<Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:


>"And she started chanting 'Boingy, boingy, boingy' and broke up laughing."
>Sailor Jim drains his drink and requests a second. "Now, I have as good a
>sense of humor as the next guy, even if the next guy happens to be Groucho
>Marx, himself, but ... well, let's just say that it was a deflating moment
>and leave the curtain drawn on the rest of the evening."

Hmm, what about the next time it happens? ;-)

I don't know. I'll now have to wait in trepidation, in case the
chant shows up at home. On the bright side, Groucho impressions can
be sexy, and make up for bits of embarrassment.

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Peter Gregg

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Jan 16, 2001, 6:00:18 PM1/16/01
to

Why am I remembering that I always used to think turgid meant frozen?

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kath

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Jan 16, 2001, 6:56:11 PM1/16/01
to
In article <3a68b5ab...@news4.bellatlantic.net>,
"snork""chortle" Too late, Salior Jim wrote that one already-
"From the Story Corner- Naked Thru the Snow" (it's in deja.com's
archives...and worse that his one...)

--
--Kath
PharmacyWench
"Never do today what you can put off 'till tomorrow if
tomorrow might improve the odds." - Robert A. Heinlein
http://pages.about.com/kmhorvath
(website's getting there, and now has a picture of me on it!)


Sent via Deja.com
http://www.deja.com/

nancy

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Jan 16, 2001, 7:17:30 PM1/16/01
to
On 16 Jan 2001, the unspeakable horror of our dreaded nightmare
became reality as mombl...@bigfoot.com (Blanche Nonken), in
alt.callahans, wrote:

how does one trick a pair of handcuffs?

"'Ere, 'andcuffs. 'Ave a nice biscuit! Oops! Just
kidding! No bickies for you! Haw haw haw!"


--
n (so, you gonna respond to my last e-mail, or not?
<waggle eyebrows>)

ition.

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The Polymath (Jerry Hollombe)

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Jan 16, 2001, 8:37:59 PM1/16/01
to
Jim Johnston wrote:
> Blanche Nonken wrote:
> > Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
> >
> > > "Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut?
> >
> > Waddle.
> >
> > "He waddled across the room, pointing the way in all his priapic glory."
>
> "Wow!" Sailor Jim marvels out loud. "Waddled?!? Now that is flattering! I
> cannot imagine someone being so hefty in the John Thomas department to
> require waddling when fully erect."

On a technical note: The direction of aim in the vertical plane will
depend on the age of the protagonist. I.e., as men age, ligaments
stretch and lengthen, causing erections to point less up and more
forward as the years pass (at some point they presumably start to point
downwards).

--
The Polymath (aka: Jerry Hollombe) "There are no good plan Bs. If
http://home.pacbell.net/polymath/ they were good, they'd be plan A."
http://www.glaam.us.mensa.org/ -- The Magic School Bus

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Jai Rose

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Jan 16, 2001, 8:38:08 PM1/16/01
to
*snork* GrannyWench wipes furiously at the front of her T-shirt and glares
at Blanche. "This is your fault," she says, mopping up Welches Grape
Juice(tm). "Waddle! O my deity!"

Jai
“In theory, everything works.” Unknown

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Jai Rose

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Jan 16, 2001, 8:50:18 PM1/16/01
to
nancy Wrote:
>
>how does one trick a pair of handcuffs?
>
>"'Ere, 'andcuffs. 'Ave a nice biscuit! Oops! Just
>kidding! No bickies for you! Haw haw haw!"

nancy, my precious one,

I laughed out loud - literally - when I read your post. Thank you for
that. I've had a nasty upper respiratory infection for the past two days
and didn't think I COULD laugh at anything. Bless you,
dear.

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Marc Lechowicz

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Jan 16, 2001, 10:10:10 PM1/16/01
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"Marc Lechowicz" <tma...@home.com> wrote in message
news:gz296.142839$w35.25...@news1.rdc1.nj.home.com
>
> How about something like, 'His excitement was obvious as he strode across
> the room to his eager lover.'-or something similar? That way you have her
> reaction, the fact of his arousement,
^^^^^^^^^

Ok, BOYC's for everyone who saw this and didn't say anything. I don't know
which is more pathetic, the fact that I maintained a 4.0 average in English
through High School and still got this wrong, or that I rely too much on the
4.0 average, and not enough on the handy dany spell checker that came with
my computer....

Marc

--
All opinions expressed are my own and not necessarily those of others.
Remove obvious to reply.


kath

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Jan 16, 2001, 10:14:06 PM1/16/01
to
In article <3A64F777...@pacbell.net>,

"The Polymath (Jerry Hollombe)" <poly...@pacbell.net> wrote:
> Jim Johnston wrote:
> > Blanche Nonken wrote:
> > > Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
> > >
> > > > "Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut?
> > >
> > > Waddle.
> > >
> > > "He waddled across the room, pointing the way in all his priapic glory."
> >
> > "Wow!" Sailor Jim marvels out loud. "Waddled?!? Now that is flattering! I
> > cannot imagine someone being so hefty in the John Thomas department to
> > require waddling when fully erect."
>
> On a technical note: The direction of aim in the vertical plane will
> depend on the age of the protagonist. I.e., as men age, ligaments
> stretch and lengthen, causing erections to point less up and more
> forward as the years pass (at some point they presumably start to point
> downwards).

A 80 year old man brings a prescription for Viagra into a pharmacy and hands
it to the pharmacist, who questions the man about the directions that the
doctor wrote on it. " It says here to take 1/4 of a tablet as needed. Why
just a 1/4?" The old man answers," I don't need it for sex... I just need
enough of it so I don't pee on my feet!"

D.J.

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Jan 16, 2001, 9:25:46 PM1/16/01
to

Sailor Jim says...

>Blanche Nonken wrote:
>> Waddle.
>>
>> "He waddled across the room, pointing the way in all his priapic glory."
>
>"Wow!" Sailor Jim marvels out loud. "Waddled?!? Now that is flattering! I
>cannot imagine someone being so hefty in the John Thomas department to
>require waddling when fully erect."

Well, maybe 'waddled' is a euphemism for metronome-like movement ?

[excuse me a moment... ]

Yup, metronome-like movement. I guess thats what it could be called.

D.J.

--
djim55 atty datasync dotty com Disclaimer: Standard
http://www.datasync.com/~djim55/
http://www.crosswinds.net/~djim51/ crosswinds' server offline for upgrades

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Jim Johnston

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Jan 16, 2001, 11:14:29 PM1/16/01
to

"The Polymath (Jerry Hollombe)" wrote:

> Jim Johnston wrote:
> > Blanche Nonken wrote:
> > > Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
> > >
> > > > "Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut?
> > >
> > > Waddle.
> > >
> > > "He waddled across the room, pointing the way in all his priapic glory."
> >
> > "Wow!" Sailor Jim marvels out loud. "Waddled?!? Now that is flattering! I
> > cannot imagine someone being so hefty in the John Thomas department to
> > require waddling when fully erect."
>
> On a technical note: The direction of aim in the vertical plane will
> depend on the age of the protagonist. I.e., as men age, ligaments
> stretch and lengthen, causing erections to point less up and more
> forward as the years pass (at some point they presumably start to point
> downwards).

"Yeah, sure ... I'm mad north by northwest, myself ... but at what point does it
require a waddle for transportation? When it point due south and only then to
avoid whacking it on ones thighs?"

SJ

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Jesse Linch

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Jan 17, 2001, 1:02:36 AM1/17/01
to
On Tue, 16 Jan 2001 19:21:41 -0600, Jim Johnston
<Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
>Blanche Nonken wrote:
>> Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
>> > "Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut?
>> Waddle.
>> "He waddled across the room, pointing the way in all his priapic glory."
>"Wow!" Sailor Jim marvels out loud. "Waddled?!? Now that is flattering! I
>cannot imagine someone being so hefty in the John Thomas department to
>require waddling when fully erect."

Better than "He started across the room, with his member swaying like
a metranome, starting out at a slow waltz, and increasing tempo until
he jumped into bed swaying like _The Flight of the Bumblebee_...."

--
Jesse Linch <jli...@NOHORMEL.cinci.rr.com> (Remove NOSPAM to reply)
"Everything is fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess." -Barenaked Ladies, _Pinch Me_
http://www.cleveland.com/living/index.ssf?/living/pd/ll15erin.html\

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Rachel

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Jan 16, 2001, 8:46:54 PM1/16/01
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Well...some friends and I had a traveling bodice ripper called "Wayward
Nipples" in which we each took a chapter. It was pretty funny and
erotic (Yes, Virginia, the two are compatable) The heroine was a
governess who found she had relations (think what you will) in the
darnedest places.
Rachel

--
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb


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Lee S. Billings

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Jan 17, 2001, 10:56:37 AM1/17/01
to
In article <56g96.92388$m63.7...@news5.aus1.giganews.com>, sle...@texas.net
says...
>
>
>"Jesse Linch" <jli...@nohormel.cinci.rr.com> wrote in message
>news:avca6t8obl8t6kkh6...@4ax.com...

>> On Tue, 16 Jan 2001 19:21:41 -0600, Jim Johnston
>> <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
>> >Blanche Nonken wrote:
>> >> Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote:
>> >> > "Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk?
>Strut?
>> >> Waddle.
>> >> "He waddled across the room, pointing the way in all his priapic
>glory."
>> >"Wow!" Sailor Jim marvels out loud. "Waddled?!? Now that is flattering!
>I
>> >cannot imagine someone being so hefty in the John Thomas department to
>> >require waddling when fully erect."
>>
>> Better than "He started across the room, with his member swaying like
>> a metranome, starting out at a slow waltz, and increasing tempo until
>> he jumped into bed swaying like _The Flight of the Bumblebee_...."
>>
>no, at "Bumblebee" tempo, it wouldn't be a sway, more like vibrate or
>stun.....

<...>

Celine ("Penis on stun, Mr. Spock!")

--
"Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring."
-- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_

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dennywS...@zipcon.net

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Jan 17, 2001, 2:58:35 PM1/17/01
to
On Tue, 16 Jan 2001 16:44:13 GMT, dsg...@visi.com (Dan Goodman) held
forth, saying:

>It's also a good place to see various ways a writer can go wrong.

Dan proves that he's read stories from the ass* groups. <g>

>Example: when you're writing a sex story about a game of strip poker, do
>not concentrate on the card-playing details and strategies.

Hm. I don't recognize that one -- but there are a lot of 'strip
poker' stories.

-denny-
curmudgeonly editor

"Life with the circus is one long uninterrupted dee-light."
(Barry Longyear, _Circus World_)

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Claire Black

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Jan 17, 2001, 5:21:09 PM1/17/01
to
kath (kath...@my-deja.com) wrote:
: In article <942744$9ea$1...@taliesin.netcom.net.uk>,

: "Jette Goldie" <jettegold...@NOTthefreeinternet.co.uk.NOSPAM> wrote:
: >
: > Jim Johnston <Sail...@BellSouth.Net> wrote
: > >
: > > "And what about the heroine? She is languidly reclining on the bed ...
: > > and doing her level best to not bust a gut laughing, I suspect.
: >
: > More or less what I did when my date of the evening - first date -
: > walked naked from the kitchen carrying two cups of coffee (in
: > his hands - he wasn't that talented <g>)
: (snip)
: Of course not, he had to have some place to carry the donuts..... (grin)

Weredonut frowns at Kath, opens her mouth to say something, stops,
rejects about 7 or 8 comments and instead just giggles...

Claire Black

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Jan 17, 2001, 5:27:38 PM1/17/01
to
D.J. (dji...@cheesydatasync.com) wrote:
: Polymath says...
: >On a technical note: The direction of aim in the vertical plane will

: >depend on the age of the protagonist. I.e., as men age, ligaments
: >stretch and lengthen, causing erections to point less up and more
: >forward as the years pass (at some point they presumably start to point
: >downwards).
:
: Hmmm. Maybe I'm just not exercising it enough, but mine doesn't seem
: to be doing that...
:
: D.J. who is 53 years old.

Weredonut grins "I've seen somewhere a diagram of the "angle of the
dangle" according to age. It's somewhat analogous (is that the right
word, sometimes it sucks not having a spell checker or thesaurus handy)
to someone holding their hand out perpendicular to the floor, fingers
spread - the thumb is supposed to be the teens (or 20's depending on
whichever diagram you believe) and so on and so forth to the little
finger being the 50's (or 60's). Now, the sample I have viewed in RL is
heavily skewed toward the 20's, but even the odd one or two I've seen
that have been late 30's seem to be almost as erm, enthusiastic as those
in their 20's...."

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kath

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Jan 17, 2001, 5:41:24 PM1/17/01
to
In article <0go96.145837$w35.25...@news1.rdc1.nj.home.com>,
"Marc Lechowicz" <tmarcl...@home.com> wrote:
>
> "Jai Rose" <jai...@stic.net> wrote in message
> news:3A65DC82...@stic.net...

>
> >> Celine ("Penis on stun, Mr. Spock!")
>
> > "It's life, Jim, but not as we know it."
>
> Or, the more dreaded comment in this situation, "It's dead, Jim."
>
Which can be a real bitch, being that Vulcans mate only every
seven years.....

--
--Kath
PharmacyWench
"Never do today what you can put off 'till tomorrow if
tomorrow might improve the odds." - Robert A. Heinlein
http://pages.about.com/kmhorvath
(website's getting there, and now has a picture of me on it!)

Sent via Deja.com
http://www.deja.com/

Janet Miles

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Jan 17, 2001, 5:53:20 PM1/17/01
to
Claire Black <cc...@alinga.newcastle.edu.au> wrote:

> kath (kath...@my-deja.com) wrote:

/me promptly recommends "Viagra in the Water", by Camille West of Four
Bitchin' Babes, available at <http://www.songs.com/babes/index.html>. (There
is some kind of strange frame stuff going on here. From the index page,
select "Enter", then choose "MP3", then choose the song you want to listen
to.)

Janet
posted
--
Janet Miles (jmi...@usit.net) <www.public.usit.net/jmiles>
Loyal Webcrafter: PenUltimate Productions <www.worthlink.net/~ysabet>
Member: SSBB Diplomatic Corps -- East Tennessee
"Bananas in the fridge. Potassium is important." -- Slash Maraud 1/30/00

j.w.

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Jan 17, 2001, 5:57:55 PM1/17/01
to

"D.J." wrote:
>
> Well, maybe 'waddled' is a euphemism for metronome-like movement ?
>
> [excuse me a moment... ]
>
> Yup, metronome-like movement. I guess thats what it could be called.

Okay. We now appear to have the male memb^H^H^H^Patrons of the Place
examining themselves as they post. Both hands on the keyboard,
gentlemen, if you please <eg>

j.w.

kath

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Jan 17, 2001, 6:06:23 PM1/17/01
to
In article <9455sl$op3$1...@seagoon.newcastle.edu.au>,
(grin)why does the words "creme filled don..." oh nevermind.....

suzilem

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Jan 17, 2001, 7:08:04 PM1/17/01
to

"Janet Miles" <jmi...@use.usit.net> wrote in message
news:Anp96.60$ed.1...@nntp2.onemain.com...

> /me promptly recommends "Viagra in the Water", by Camille West of Four
> Bitchin' Babes, available at <http://www.songs.com/babes/index.html>.
(There
> is some kind of strange frame stuff going on here. From the index page,
> select "Enter", then choose "MP3", then choose the song you want to listen
> to.)
>

OT -- but I heartily recommend ANYTHING by the Four Bitchin' Babes in any of
their incarnations!

sUE

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D.J.

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Jan 17, 2001, 8:41:42 PM1/17/01
to

[]Dan Goodman:
[]>Then again, _Tetrarch_ would also have been greatly improved by the
[]>addition of a recipe for rutabaga chili or just about anything else.

Crikey ! Mad rutabaga chili, with a pirate hat ! :-)

D.J.
--
djim55 at tyhe datasync dot com. Disclaimer: Standard.
Web server upgrades in progress, pages off line.
http://www.crosswinds.net/~djim51/updated.html
Registered Linux user#185746

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Karen

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Jan 17, 2001, 9:01:52 PM1/17/01
to

Jai Rose wrote:
>
>
> GrannyWench looks up from the pile of things she's sorting. It is
> obvious to all that she is in full pre-move mode now and can't stop
> until all the undesirable objects are deposited in the trash. "Well,"
> she murmurs, brows furrowed, "surely mass and weight would have
> something to do with a waddle. Perhaps if the gentleman in question were
> TOO well endowed in that area it might produce a waddle." She pauses,
> clearly cogitating. "What if he were overweight?" she asks brightly.
> "Duck-footed? You know, that walk where the toes are pointed inward?
> That would do it. Or," here she flushes, "if he were wearing some sort
> of constricting, er, costume." [GrannyWench dissolves in giggles,
> suddenly imagining some poor fellow in a Barney costume with the
> interesting part cut away.]


*snork* <gasp>*snarf*<splortle> wheeeeeeeee! OMG, Jai, I thought Jim
was going to be the death of me... but you!? <groan>

karen

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Jeff Zephyr

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Jan 17, 2001, 9:14:03 PM1/17/01
to

Depending on your attire, you can do the exam just fine, no hands
required ;-)

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Leonard Erickson

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Jan 18, 2001, 4:34:19 AM1/18/01
to

Sorry, but I type faster with one hand. And no, the other *isn't* doing
what you are thinking!

--
Leonard Erickson (aka Nemo) kal...@krypton.rain.com
"No, I will _not_ move your planet... What do you want to move it _for_?
It's fine right where it is!"
-- Dairine Callahan, Wizard (no relation)

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