"Puns of the Weak" 6-16-00

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Stan Kegel

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Jun 17, 2000, 3:00:00 AM6/17/00
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Puns of the Weak ending 6-16-00

"The U.S. Open is on this weekend," Tom said painlessly. (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)

Burglaries are increasing at an alarming rate. That means we need more
fences. (Pam Shorey)

People with unconventional beliefs often congregate insects. (P. C. Swanson)

Foreclose: Why teenagers go to the mall (Shara Rendell-Smock )

Biologists studying the evolution of cats have been searching for the
missing Lynx. (Stan Kegel)

Fundamentalist: Money used to pay for the services of psychics (Gary Hallock)

The Miss Hawaii contest is judged on beauty, grace, and poi's. (Win Ben
Stein’s Money)

Sometimes a pregnancy is so long it seems like a maternity. (Pun of the Day)

What's the difference between an ale container and a small insect? An
ale container is a beer mug while a small insect is a mere bug.
(Richard Lederer)

My grandson Tyler was at camp today and he told me he had heard some of
the kids were going to push him out of a canoe and into the lake. I
asked him how he had found that out. He told me he was tipped off. (L.
R. Thoennes)

Hoard: Acted like a prostitute (Cynthia MacGregor).

I saw my English teacher one summer wear nothing but a diphthong. I
nearly moved my vowels when I saw that. (Enigma)

Fireplace: Where your boss tells you your services are no longer needed.
(Stan Kegel)

I wanted a smaller house, so I hired a contractor. (Scot Nelson)

Irate: Optometrist’s fee (P. C. Swanson)

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

Baroque: What you are when you are out of Monet (Johnny Hart).

Why will dermatologists rarely guarantee a cure? Because they don't like
to make rash promises. (Stan Kegel)

Emulate: What Uncle Henry said when Auntie Em arrived too late to save
Toto. (Johnny Hart)

"I'd like some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly. (Archives)

Impeach: Where you find the pits. (Norm Gilbert)

Sometimes, I'd like to give my employees a one-way ticket to Mars. But
I'm afraid if I do, I'll alienate them. (David Reihmer)

Someone mistakenly gave Marcel Marceau gold makeup instead of white, he
went on stage and started talking about everything. He was a gold mime
of information. (By Vlad Lenin)

I once had a boss who asked if I were ticklish. When I declined to
answer, he said he would give me a test tickle. (Cynthia MacGregor)

“My wife doesn’t understand me!” “Let’s face it. You do tend to slur
your words.” (Chris Browne)

Lactose: Your foot after standing too close to the elevator shaft as it
passes. (Gary Hamrick)

Bachelor: An Unaltared male. (Norm Gilbert)

What's the difference between rotten lettuce and a depressing song?
Rotten lettuce makes a. bad salad while a depressing song is a sad
ballad. (By Richard Lederer)

Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying (Aiken Drum)

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an
enzyme. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

A man gets into a taxi where the driver is sitting there, engine off,
listening to music on the radio. After a few minutes, the passenger
grows impatient, and asks why they aren't going. The driver says that
the music sounds familiar, and he's trying to figure out who it is. The
passenger then says, "It's Bach, Man. Turn 'er over. Drive!"(Snicker)

What do zombies do? Zombies make honey; others just buzz and sting.
(Aiken Drum)

"Some say there is no difference between men and women, but I say that
this is a Vas deferens!" (Tim Hoese)

When trying to photograph the planets, the presence of the moon will
cosmos of the problems. (Stan Kegel)

Diploma: Da guy busy fixing da pipes. (Ron Forsch)

Just do asbestos you can. (Hugh Despot)

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square! (Ed Hexter)

Egypt: To pay for something online...and then never receive it (Scott
Ryan)

Drivers in a rush who stop at traffic lights often see red. (Pun of the Day)

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page
picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and
asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag
of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of
our country?" " 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently. (Ms. Kitty)

Primate: The Sultan’s first wife. (Stan Kegel)

Did you know that Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their
opinions of the flag that she had made? It was the first flag poll. (G.
S. Angel)

"The Gnu Testament": The theology of a religion based on the holiness of
the wildebeest. (Archives)

"Let's try that sex-organ transplant," said Tom as he hung up on her.
(Alan B. Combs)

Space Station: Where you take your dog to get her fixed if you don't
want puppies. (Ken Pinkham)

My watch just stopped. I must be down a quartz. (Bob’s Burlesque)

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight! (Aiken Drum)

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport (Richard Lederer)

He walked up the steep path because he was so inclined. (Jumble)

What he finds in insidious, he said, is that you insist we report incest
incidents instantly and offer assistance for foreign assistants after
each incident for instance. (Gary Hallock)
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic (Shara Rendell-Smock)

To err is human; to get a ticket for it, fine. (Gary Hamrick)

If a centipede a bucketful, how much would a precipice? A sheer drop!
(Norm Gilbert)
Scallops: sells tickets at a very high price. (Stan Kegel)


I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says, "Draw Bridge
Ahead" and I don't have a pencil. (Lou Chiafullo)

Sign on a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
(Karl Erikson)

The German Judge gave the Russian Figure Skater a nein. (Ken Pinkham)

Altar ego: pompous preacher (L. R. Thoennes)

The Phillipines have never won an Olympic medal. They are on a long
Luzon streak. (Stan Kegel)

What did the opthamologist say to Jose Canseco after an operation to
cure temporary blindness? Jose can you see? (Vlad Lenin)

The beauticians considered their delayed flight a bad ‘air day. (Jumble)

I knew a mime who only wore trousers with one leg. He was a pantomime.
(Scot Nelson)

The cop showed up at the costume ball dressed as a man who was swallowed
by a ghost. What was his rank? He was an In-Specter. (By Clynch
Varnadore)

Numerical: What Jesus will perform after he comes back. (Gary Hallock)

“I thought I was immortal,” Dracula said painstakingly. (Stan Kegel)

The ancient Egyptians were Sirius about their pyramids, Orion a monkey's
uncle. (Scot Nelson)

Why did the witch carry a dictionary? Because she didn’t spell very well
(Mr. Yee’s class)

Watch television news and we learn: Our highways aren't safe, our
streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe, but under our arms we have
complete protection. (Don Thorn)

The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper. (Art. Moger)

What's the difference between the sharing of Romeo and Juliet and a
woven pigeon? Romeo and Juliet shared a doomed love while a woven pigeon
is a loomed dove. (By Richard Lederer)

Weaving cars mean Looming accidents. (Pun of the Day)

I considered buying a pub, but then I remembered the old saying: Neither
a bar owner or a tender be. (George McClughan)

Lisp: To call a spade a thpade. (Ed Hexter)

I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant. The food was
delicious, but an hour later, I was hungry for power. _(Bruce H. D. Calder)

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