Puns of the Weak 7/27/01
Stan Kegel
Puns of the Weak for the week ending 7/27/01
Surely you know what liars do after they die. They lie still. (Art. Moger)
Persuade: Soft leather used to make handbags. (P. C. Swanson)
He had only a skeleton crew, and made no bones about it. (Pun of the Day)
"What a rotten hand you've dealt me," said the bridge player in passing.
(Mike Weber and Caroline Bryan).
After I make breakfast in the morning, I usually have just pancake mix
or sausages left over. This pleases my wife because I promised to take
her for batter or for wurst. (Stan Kegel)
At the race track, the dieting Briton lost a few pounds. (Jumble)
"The dentist said I can either cut out sweets or get more cavities."
"Great taste or less fillings!" (Bob Thaves)
A fellow hated commuting to work with his friends because they all made
a big deal out of it when the car passed under the long overpass. They
had carpool tunnel syndrome. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Car pool: a trunk full of rain (Harry Farkas)
There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who slipped on some dogdo and died.
He fell on his brother
Who then he did smother
And now they're in turd side by side.
(Scot Nelson)
A hay farmer in jail could get out on bale. (Pun of the Day).
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. (Bree Schultz)
Tandem: Bill Clinton in the sun. (Tim Bruening)
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? He braces himself (Med Humor)
Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden? A month later he
was picking his teeth. (Phillip Thompson)
Most pop fans are star-craving mad (Alan F. G. Lewis)
"To baldly go where nomads have gone before," said Kirk, "and there will
be hell toupee." (Harry Farkas)
History Teacher: Ira Call (Bree Schultz)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it. (E4Fun)
When your toes fall asleep, I suppose
That the blood circulation, it slows.
No, the digits aren't dead,
So I call them, instead,
By a term that is apt: comatose.
(Kirk Miller)
The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts.'
(Bennett Cerf)
I picture no ordinary lost car being driven off but rather a great long
limo scene. Now that's a stretch of the imagination. (Glenn Gardner)
Bigamist: A man who loves not wisely but two well. (Lexicon)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "That's funny, there were two of
them when I left the kitchen." (Paul Dickson)
A descendant of Johann Sebastian Bach married Marvin Belli's daughter.
The whole family slept in one big bed, Bach to Bach and Belli to Belli.
(Pam Shorey)
"I just had a hip replaced." "Ahh, you got a pelvis impersonator," (Bob Thaves)
Arcade: Noah's assistant (Stan Kegel)
A husband who thinks he is as solid as a rock may have a wife who wishes
he was a little bolder. (Pun of the Day)
"You have no course to list so closely," re-ported Tom, piering
intently. (Rusty Smith)
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect
from a cross-breed. (Tommy Cooper)
Why was the calendar sad? Its days were numbered. (Marsha in Texas)
Purvey: Sound made by an overwrought Jewish cat. (Marsha in Texas)
Why are the medieval centuries called the 'Dark Ages'? Because it was
the Knight time. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Why should an obese woman eat her meals outside sitting on the sidewalk?
Because it is the best way to curb her appetite. (Stan Kegel)
When he lost his wife's shoe he felt like a heel but knew the sole fault
was his. (Pun of the Day)
My wife is breathtaking; every few hours she stops talking to take a
breath. (Henny Youngman)
In this classic novel, the famous gastroenterologist, Dr. Agamemnon
using advanced technology, was miniturized and placed in the lower
regions of the small intestine of his wife, Helen. Here her lover,
Paris, who was similarly miniturized, hid. Dr. Agamemnon swore he would
Troy to caecum out and plaster him. The book: THE ILEUM (Cybyl)
"Let us all raise our champagne in a toast," she said with lifted
spirits. (Mike Weber and Caroline Bryan)
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bridge." "What's come over you?" "Two
cars, a truck and a coach." (Hirsch and McNair)
You know when it is hay fever season. That's when sufferers find the
livin' is sneezy. (Hilma)
A sign placed at Yankee Stadium: Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
(Bree Schultz)
Do you know why Hannibal was sorry he ate the guy at the Texaco station?
Gave him gas. (Michael Rogers0
"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!" "I'm sorry, sir, I'm sure he
was alive when he left the kitchen." (Paul Dickson)
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mary Lee.
Mary Lee who?
Mary Lee we roll along (Paul Dickson)
In the Pyrenees, care must be taken if a fire breaks out in a movie
theater, so as not to "put all your Basques in one exit." (Ronald A. Guidotti)
Absentee: A missing golfing accessory. (Lexicon)
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. (Larry Baum)
People who make motor oil are very refined. (Mike Bull)
"If I have time, I’ll trim the bushes," Tom hedged. (Stan Kegel)
Some men view marriage as a matter of wife and debt. (Pun of the Day)
Years before computerized living, moms were going "on line". (Jumble)
A newspaper writer named Fling
Could make copy from most anything;
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he is now in Sing-Sing.
(Anonymous)
Some people get married only for the matri-money. (Pun of the Day)
Cashew: What the supermarket checker asks when you write a check: "How
much cashew want back?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why did they ban the story of the compulsive eater who sold
germ-contaminated secondhand microscopes to finance his addiction? Too
much snacks and vile lenses. (N. Sally Haas)
I've got a fleet of ex-Navy boats and they're controlled by priests,
vicars and bishops. It's a fleet of worships (Phil Hudson)
Spring leather is not the best. Beware the hides of March. (P. C. Swanson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Serves the chef right. I told him
not to strain the broth through the fly swatter." (Paul Dickson)
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards." "I'll deal with you
later." (David)
"Boss!" complained the shocked Mrs. Heferstein. "That hussie, Miss
Leilei, wore a see-through blouse to work today!" Waving his employee
away, the beady-eyed boss said, "I'll have to look into it later."
(Megan Kox)
A couple is lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world," The woman says: "I will surely miss you."
(Jerlyn F.)
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly "It's true, straight up no bull!" (MeMail)
Infantry: a sapling (Michael Driscoll)
An ex-arsonist who became an engineer decided not to burn his bridges.
(Stan Kegel)
The best way to keep your youth is not to introduce him to other people.
(Francis Day)
"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside
himself. (Archives)
A customer called an airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket
with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you
please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?" The customer
carefully replied, "V-I-S-A." (Daily Detour)
I thought Missouri was the so-called "Show Me State." So why am I doing
3 to 5 years for indecent exposure? (Andrew Bellows)
He went on a cheese diet in order to cheddar few pounds. (Pun of the Day)
Apparent: A large, old, bossy person who tortures youths (Lexicon).
Retard: Not working no more. (Keith Nance)
Lon Chaney Jr. in a classic performance as Lennie, a Chinese cook on a
marine base in "Of Rice and Men" (Stan Kegel)
"I'd say your pants are too short," the tailor said off the cuff. (Mike
Weber and Caroline Bryan)
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.
(Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "That's all right. It's not hot
enough to burn him (Paul Dickson).
Mystic: The formal name for the common lady bug. (Jim Tyler)
Did you hear about the Old Testament hooker? She was arrested for trying
to make a Prophet! (Fred Lawrence)
"Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep." "Sit on the edge of the bed and
you'll soon drop off." (David)
I closed my wife’s checking account today, and she's having withdrawal
symptoms. (Syman Hirsch)
An ailing old man who was eating chickpeas at his favorite restaurant
saved the chef's life and was honored post-humous-ly. (The Pun Page)
Artistry: Tree with pretty pictures. (Tim Bruening)
Driving Instructor: Otto Mobile. (J. A. Mc.)
A boy was born in Los Angeles without eyelids. When they did the
circumcision, they used the foreskin to fashion new eyelids. Everything
worked out okay, but he's a little bit cock-eyed. (Marsha in Texas)
She used to have an orthodontia practice, but now she works on retainer.
(Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman)
"How do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir, we just tell
them straight out that they're going to die." (Tim Davis)
"You may use quotations from my latest book," Tom authorized literally.
(Stan Kegel)
A fisherman’s boatcapsized and dumped him into the shark infested
waters. He survived for eighteen hours by taking small pieces of bait
and throwing them some distance away when the sharks would come too
close. Yes, some days, a fisherman's best friend is his chum. (Gil Gross)
A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water. (Doug
Helsel)
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in
it. (Bill Rayborn)
"What did your ex do that bothered you most?" "He did lots of things,
but I guess the worst was being careless about his appearance."
"Really?" "Yeah, sometimes he wouldn't appear for days." (Merlyn Baby)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one,
but it takes a long time, and it has to want to change. (James White)
Recoil: Smells of fuel. (Phil Hudson)
It wasn't a violent attack
But the musician was taken aback
The thief asked a ransom
That was really quite handsome
For his fiddle, with no strings attached.
(Owen Lorion)
"Hey, I'm weightless," said the astronaut, rising to the occasion. (Mike
Weber and Caroline Bryan)
I have a telephone booth in my family room. It doesn’t work but it’s
sure a conversation piece. (Stan Kegel)
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem,
so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course, in the
beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth." (Info Beat)
Intense: Where we sleep during camping trips (Jay Christie)
"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains." "Well, pull yourself
together then." (David)
Juries must never be satisfied with their verdicts. They’re always
returning them. (Edward Ginsberg)
The president of a South American country was visiting Dubya in DC. The
visiting leader said, "Bullfighting is the most cherished sport in my
country." Bush replied "Bullfighting? I've always thought it was
revolting." "No, no, Mr. President. That's our second most cherished
sport." (Goran Tjidzic)
Sign in Obstetrician’s office: We deliver (Bob King)
Army Chaplain: Neil Down (Bree Schultz)
"These braces were really inspired
I'm sure to be greatly admired"
Said she, much enthused
"I'll keep friends amused
'Cuz now I'm like totally wired!"
(Gary Hallock)
Hair Transplant: Reseeding for the receding (Stacey Lewis)
"Waiter, there's a spider in my soup!" "I'm sorry, sir, we must be out
of flies” (Paul Dickson)
Some gardeners turn their lights on in the evening so they could watch
their phlox by night. (Metro Perhoni)
Show me an artist's rendering of a seventh-century ecclesiastical cart,
and I'll show you a picture of Gregorian dray (George Grim).
The directions on my tube of face cream say, "Apply at bedtime if not
rritated." I was plenty irritated yesterday, so I didn't use it." (Bill Rayborn)
"My Susie has changed majors three times this year!" "I didn't know
Susie was in college." "She's not. She's in the army!" (Merlyn Baby)
Abundance: A local hop usually staged in a barn (Lexicon).
The Vice Principal announced over the intercom "We would like to
congratulate Mr. Green on his forthcoming marriage." Later, he thanked
her for the message, but suggested she use smaller words because
severalstudents had asked him about his 3 earlier marriages. (Eva
Rosenberg and Gunjan Saraf)
Ballet dancers are really kept on their toes. (Pun of the Day)
"Psst! Your next line is on the cue card," he said promptly. (Mike Weber
and Caroline Bryan)
There once was a drummer who always felt lost in the crowded band. He
was never first or last, always somewhere in between. One day he decided
to try another line of employment and went to work nights for a tailor.
His job was simply a mid-drummer's night seam. (Joyce Leonard)
When a woman buys hosiery, she doesn’t want to get a run for her money.
(Karen Stack)
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down
toward her. Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this
stool taken?" (Sue Lemcke)
Predestination was doomed from the start. (Matt Blaisdell)
A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do. (Pun
of the Day)
USA Olympic Gold medal skier, Picabo Street, is donating the money she
gets from endorsements to the local hospital in Denver. In return, they
are going to name a wing of the hospital after her. It will be called:
"Picabo, I.C.U." (Clean Humor)