[small essay] on being a fan
Marc
Taking into consideration how widespread fans are, how incredible loud they
scream, how astonishing, when the lights of the television or big-screen
light up or when the object of their affection is close by - fans have an
attack of absolute madness, how the star goes down in this pit of sound, a
name roars across the devoted crowd, the celebrity does her/his best to
maintain the image and smiles, what, of course, starts an even greater,
almost violent firework that appears to be unending - it is strange to
consider myself a fan. Yes, I think about myself as a fan - although you'll
never find me in the meadow of the devoted mad shedding bears for the star
to cuddle, tears for the star to drink, roses for the star to smell,
butterfly-kisses for the star to catch, letters for the star to read. I am
an admirer who only exposes this approving smile. When I think of it, as I
am frequently finding myself thinking about a variety of subjects - it is
strange that there are fans. Are they seekers for inspiration? Are they a
comparing crowd? In fact: what is a fan?
(But before I babble on, I want to emphasize the following note: even if you
do agree with the whole thing, it would only apply to me and not to you.)
One is supposed to question that idols - perishing and rising faster ever
year or is that my old age speaking? - deserve such a devotion just because
they can act, sing or dance or smile pretty in front of a camera? n this
case it is useless to say ay or nay because I am not arguing the object of
adoration. Maybe not totally useless, but I'm attempting a short cut and try
to glue my sentences with arguments and comments to whittle the reasons why
I adore this one actress who I've never really met but who even influences
aspects of my normal life.
Have I struck first base here? "Influences aspects of my normal life" - is
that truly so?
Well, I've written short stories about the character she plays, I've drawn
her picture on occasions so she indeed influences the aspect of my artistic
side. But why did I made her the object of my creations? To define the
nature of such emotions I can only come with some kind of summing-up - a
close investigation of my artistic inspiration. And for that, there is a
certain introducing necessary. I'm going to articulate a name, which I will
pronounce as if I'm addressing one of royal class: Alyson Hannigan.[1]
See: I'm not screaming nor waving like a maniac, nor am I trying to get a
pluck of her hair. The name moves through the abyss of my room - which, from
your point of view, may be difficult to understand. Perhaps you have never
heard of her; I'm not going to introduce her to you because I feel that Ms.
Hannigan has no need for introductions, and an outline of her person,
history and origin, what she did or did not do, is unnecessary - if you are
interested in that go read some autobiographical lines on the web, because
there is, by my understanding, not one written on paper.
To assign the right place of being a fan in my life, I'll cut back to the
question why Alyson Hannigan is the theme in some of my creations. Is it
because her eyes are irresistible? No! Although they are beautiful, my
girlfriends eyes are more astonishing. Alyson has no smell in which I can
drown, take into account that photo-ink isn't quite flowerlike; her
reputation is slim, how could it be otherwise, she is young; her appearance
in the movie American Pie frowned my brow, that little scribble with the
flute made me sigh as a condemning priest. The truth is, I only know her
from appearances on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Apparently that is enough for
me to like her - and that is all I need for her to become the theme. I feel
some sort of immeasurable passion which the essence consist of a magical
feeling for her. What lingers after her - for example when the screen
fades - is not herself nor her image, it's that ethereal substance that
stays behind like the shuddering and tingling you feel after waking up after
a fabulous dream - that feeling is a strange but important companion in my
mind and that "feeling" is what I want to draw or write about. I wish to
write about it out in sort of a sacrifice, a gesture of gratitude towards
her.
'It's not real!' I hear you say it. Of course it is not real! No dreams are
real! However - that's precisely what makes it so great, what makes being a
fan greater then a dream; it's a participating lie, an imagination, a
fantasy. I admit that sometimes my imagination is going to the fast-lane - *
censored * [2]
So being a fan appeals not to reason, - where is reason when there's an icon
in your room. For a great part it appeals to sexuality [3] as adoration is a
part of devotion - it has levels though. Being a fan means to me that there
are limits. Worshipping, iconisation in the sense of an Alyson-shrine
surrounded with candles, gives the whole matter an unpleasant, creepy
atmosphere. Being a fan is an act of mind and heart, which prevails me from
carrying matters a bit too far. Don't reply mockingly that you've putted up
your website adoring Alyson - that's great and I hope it's a really cool
site and that a lot of people visit, but it shouldn't go further then that.
I like Alyson and I put effort in a few of my drawings and writings to give
her (or the character Willow) a leading role. But Alyson Hannigan is not the
oxygen of my life.
Do you sense the ambiguity in above lines? - what are the positive and what
are the negative aspects about being a fan? I have to say I simplify rather
than I complicate, but being a fan is about feelings, and explaining
feelings is always a complicated, delicate even a tricky matter.
Being a fan is not a question of hell and heaven - the two indestructible
symbols of suffer and joy. Being a fan is chasing after a beautiful sun,
this does not implicate it is useless. The essence of being a fan is liking
that boost through your veins, the rush that pleases. Such are dreams to
cherish. There is no need for me to express that in a letter addressed to
Alyson - but you might want to tell her, or some other idol. And if you're
going to write (or send a bear, or a rose, or a drawing whatever) - be nice
and do not forget, whether you like it or not: your idol is also human.[4]
I could go on, talking about why I need the enrichment of idols, why there's
one I like and one I do not like. Why it is that James Dean lasts and Dean
James perishes? Look at them (for they want us to look) - and enjoy them so
you can give them your greatest gift: your imagination and your adoration.
Marc
[1] to complicate matters, I'm also a fan of Claire Danes and Alanis
Morissette, what concludes that being a fan is a shared feeling, - this does
not make the matter more difficult, and it's hardly a form of adultery or
cheating, it only implicates that I like parts of Claire, Alanis and Alyson
and that it's likely that I probably will change idol in time. Being a fan
appears to be a temporarily feeling.
[2] - I'm censoring my own little prosaic dreams for your own fantasy is
probably far more exotic.
[3] No! For the homophobes among you. If your name is say Cliff and you're a
fan of say George Clooney, it does not automatically mean you're gay.
Sexuality (despite the hollow image it appears to have in the year 2001) is
a subtle matter of attraction, as is friendship.
[4] Have you ever noticed the fact that fans tend to forget that aspect? The
other strange thing is there are fans who don't see a difference between the
character that is played and the actor/actress that is.
JOY:-)
>
> On being a fan
<snip contents>
Interesting! I, too, am a fan who doesn't go in for meeting the object of
interest, writing to them, or really many outward expressions of fandom at all
(although I will admit to owning a Willow bookmark - it seemed appropriate).
However, BtVS, for better or worse, has been internalised and become part of my
personal mythology, and its characters people the landscape of my thoughts.
It is a fine line between being a fan and being a Fan[tm], complete with
slightly creepy shrine and pictures of the object of Fandom covered in sticky
fingerprints. The difference is important, however; if we lose sight of the fact
that AH, for instance, is not actually much like Willow, we are in danger of
crossing that line.
I could ramble on, but <dammit> work has to be done sometime. Thanks for sharing
your thoughts, Marc.
JOY:-)
Sierk
"Marc" <cyberf...@icqmail.com> wrote in message
news:eOii6.70123$z7.5...@dbsch1.home.nl...
> On being a fan
<Snip essay>
Wonderful piece of writing, Marc! I read it with a big smile of recognition
on my face.
Sierk
P@rick
[great essay on being a fan]
I've never been a fan of a tv-show before. Certainly not to the extent
that I'm a fan of BtVS. I've even joined the fanclub! Something I've
never done before.
Of course my special attention goes to Willow, and Alyson Hannigan in
general. I have a poster of her in my bedroom. Again, something I've
never done before. I absolutely adore Willow. I wish I had a friend like
that in highschool or college. I would love her to tutor me, although
I'd probably pay more attention to her beautiful eyes and her sweet
voice than to the books and the things she's trying to explain me from
them.
My obsession for Willow is for a great part explained by the actress
that plays her, Alyson Hannigan. A person who I admire a great deal. To
paraphrase a Boreanaz fan, Aly is the finest specimen of women I've ever
seen. She's very natural, has a great sense of humor and displays a very
sweet character with a naughty twist. And besides that, she's just
stunningly beautiful.
Judging from the amount of time I spend surfing to AH/Willow websites,
collecting pictures, talking about her in forums and newsgroups, you
could say that she plays an important part in my life. Both Willow and
Aly are persons I could easily fall in love with. And who's to say that
I'm not. They're both pretty much unreachable, so after a quick reality
check which snaps me out of my daydreams I'm perfectly able to get on
with my real life pursuits.
But there are definitely feelings of attraction. In spite of the fact
that they are a fictional character and an actress living in the US
respectively, I'm very fond of the pair. Something other people wouldn't
understand probably, just like some people don't understand how you can
have genuine feelings for your pet. Let's just say that I harbour warm
feelings for them. If something bad would happen to Willow I would feel
hurt, but more genuinly so if it was Aly because she's a real person.
And yes, that little distinction between fiction and real life makes a
difference.
How far does my fandom go? Well for one, I would never get an 'Alyson
Forever!' with an image of her face tattooed on my back. And I'd
probably wouldn't travel to England and wait in line for several hours
to get her to sign a videobox, like I've read a fan do. If she'd come to
Holland, I wouldn't think about it twice though.
I collect images and articles of her, and enjoy looking at respectively
reading them. That's part of normal fandom I suppose. For the rest, I
try to apply the things Willow and Aly can teach me. In Willow's case,
that's to be nice and sincere to people, and to put effort in your
study. In Aly's case, it's to enjoy life and have fun, to be yourself
and be happy with who you are and what you have. Simple life lessons
really. But they're oh so appealing when they are being taught by Willow
and Alyson.
Bye, Patrick
with no Aly on his lap....
.... at the moment