http://dittdo.homestead.com/buffyparody.html
Advise: don't read them all in one go.
*** SEASON 1 ***
Buffy walks into Sunnydale High wearing a short skirt and a wonder bra
that keeps her breasts up alarmingly high.
"Hi! I'm new here, and please don't be suspicious about me because I
carry around a wooden stake in my purse"
Xander and Willow walk in. "Hi, I'm Xander.......please let me fall all
over myself in being the first guy to fall in love with you that you
don't care anything about."
Buffy: "Okay"
X: "And this is Willow.....she's the resident computer nerd who can
somehow manage to hack into any records we might need, despite firewalls
and fool proof security measures. She's also seen the softer side of
Sears."
W: "Hi. Please don't notice me."
They stand there until Giles comes running up.
G: "Something horrible is about to happen, we must stop it!"
Buffy swings around to face Giles and we all worry that her breasts will
knock him over.
B: "Wah, I'm tired of being a slayer. Why do I have to do everything?
Wah."
G: "Because you're the chosen one."
B: "I didn't ASK to be chosen! I didn't ASK for this kind of life!"
G: "But you are the slayer! The one girl in all the world with the
strength and skill to......."
B: "yeah, I got it."
X: "Wow Buff, that skirt is AWESOME! It's like, so short!"
B: "Thanks! You're such a cool friend."
X: (dejected) "What's happening, anyway?"
G: "That's not important. What IS important is that we must pound into
the ground the fact that Buffy is the slayer, that she really wishes she
hadn't been chosen, and that she's gonna cry about it in every bloody
episode."
X: "Oh, okay."
B: "Okay, let's go kill it."
Angel walks in. He is dark and handsome and BROODING!
A: "Hi, I can't really act, but none of you will notice this until the
fifth season when you all fall in love with Spike and go back and review
the first three seasons, realizing suddenly that I never had more than
three facial expressions. It's okay though, 'cause I look REALLY hot in
this white t-shirt and black blazer. Have I mentioned that I'm
brooding?"
Buffy is mesmerized.
B: "Hi!"
A: "How you dooin'?"
X: "I hate him."
W, quietly: "I love you Xander!"
G: "Hello! Evil thing we've gotta fight! There's a bad prophecy!"
(viewers): "who prophecies all this stuff, anyway? Every time the gang
needs some information, somewhere, somehow, someone has conveniently
prophesized what's going to happen. Whatever."
B: "oh yeah. Well, I'm the slayer, I'll do it, yadda yadda yadda. But
Willow, why don't you do some computer research for me, and Xander, you
can check all the lockers for clues, and Giles, I can make you feel
guilty for not helping more.'cause obviously you're supposed to do more
than train me and care for me and teach me how to not get killed and
stuff."
A: "What can I do?"
(the viewers): STAND THERE AND LOOK HOT!
B: "You can come back in every other episode and tell me something
cryptic that doesn't really make any sense or help me at all. And then
we can fall for each other, and decide not to pursue it. And then you
can come back a few episodes later and we can totally forget about what
we said."
A: "Cool" (broods)
X: "I hate him."
Int: Library.
G: "Buffy, don't you find it odd that almost all of our scenes are
filmed in the library, the cemetery, or the bronze?"
B: "What?"
G: "Never mind. Because you had to go and dally around with boys, now
the Master's going to rise and destroy the world."
B: "Wah, how come everything's my fault?"
G: "Because you are the slayer. The one girl in all the world with the
strength and skill to......."
(viewers): "Agh! stop it already! We GET that she's the slayer!"
G: "Well there's no need to be so rude about it!"
B: "So anyway, I go follow this kid, and then fight the Master, right?"
G: "In essence, yes"
B: "Okay"
Buffy goes and dies in the Master's lair. Xander and Angel come down to
save her, but Xander has to perform the CPR, because Angel - gasping -
tells us that he has no breath. Buffy jumps up, alive again.
B: "Wow, isn't it like, majorly cool that when the Master dropped me
into this pool my hair was up in a pony tail, but now it's down and all
scraggly looking?"
Later, after Buffy's killed the Master:
G: "All right, now everyone must overlook the fact that we know when a
slayer dies, the next one is called. Just totally forget it! It must
not occur to any of us that another slayer might have been called. We
must all be very surprised when Kendra shows up next season, remember."
Gang: "Yes, Giles!"
The gang parties.
*** SEASON 2 ***
Buffy walks into Sunnydale High wearing skin-tight pants, and a
spaghetti-strap top that shows her bra straps.
Willow: "Hey Buffy, your bra straps are showing."
Buffy: "That's the style. Wah, I'm so mad that I died last year. I think
I might take it out on everyone."
Willow: "Okay."
Giles, Xander, Cordelia and Jenny arrive.
Jenny (whispering): "Hey Buffy, your bra straps are showing."
Buffy: "That's the style. Wah, I hate being the slayer."
Oz makes his first appearance.walking by randomly, repeating "Who is
that girl?" over and over.
Cut to outside, at night. Spike and Dru arrive. Spike is *EVIL*. We know
this because he is SMOKING and wearing a long leather duster. He is
accompanied by Drusilla. She is *INSANE*. We know this because she
frequently talks to dolls and dead birds.
Spike: "I'm going to kill that slayer even if it takes me the next three
seasons, and she ruins my life, and I accidentally fall in love with
her. I'm gonna kill her, you just bloody watch."
Kendra shows up.
Gang: "ooh! Another Slayer!" They look at Giles for encouragement. He
nods, and they continue. "What a surprise! We had no IDEA that another
slayer would be called when Buffy died!"
Kendra: "Uh Tank-uu. Dat ees, eye ahm Ken-draa, the Vam Pyre
Slayrrrr......"
Xander: "What? What the hell kind of accent is that, anyway?"
Suddenly it's Buffy's birthday. She and Angel have sex, and he loses his
soul and becomes *EVIL*. We know this because he goes outside and
SMOKES.
(viewers): wait a minute, it's really not all that unusual to smoke
after sex.
Okay, we know this because he bites a WOMAN who is smoking, sucks the
smoke out of her throat, and blows it out after he drops
her.......happy?
(viewers): Oh, well, that makes more sense then. Okay, he's evil. That
was still pretty cool, though. But wait a minute.....how'd he have sex,
anyway? He has no breath, no oxygen is carried to his heart, which does
not beat. Logically, blood should not be able to uh.....pump..... to
certain areas.......
Oh get over it already! It's a bloody show! Anyway.......Buffy finds
Angel and wonders why he's being so mean. She doesn't know he's evil
yet, because he appears to have the same expression on his face that he
has when he's good.
(viewers): You dolt! Of course he's evil! He's wearing Leather Pants!
And we are SOOOO grateful!
Angel flexes and struts around in his leather pants looking *HOT*.
Angel: "Oh yeah, I'm evil"
(viewers swoon): We are shocked and amazed at your sudden plethora of
facial expressions!
Angel: "Yes, I have two new ones for my "evil-Angel" look, bringing my
total to FIVE!
Angel kills Jenny and leaves her in Giles's bed. This is bad because
Giles is *SAD*.
Spike berates Angel for not killing the slayer, but Angel calls him
Rollerboy and this is FUNNY.
Drusilla: "ooh, I'm naming the stars, and everything's switching, and
Miss Edith wants her tea......"
Angel: "That is *SO* cool."
Spike wheels off, looking disgusted. "I think I'm going to heave."
Meanwhile, Xander and Cordelia, & Willow and Oz have gotten together,
but we really don't notice because we're hypnotized by Angel's Leather
Pants.
Buffy: "That's it, I'm going to kill Angel."
Xander: "Whoo Hoo! It's about time!"
Buffy goes off to kill Angel.
Willow: Xander, go tell Buffy that I'm going to try to restore Angel's
soul."
Xander: "Okay."
Xander goes and finds Buffy, but before he can deliver his message he's
distracted by Buffy's chest.
Xander: "Hey Buff, your bra straps are showing."
Buffy: "That's the style. Now shut up, I've teamed up with Spike and we'
re gonna take Angel down."
Angel's trying to send the world to hell by way of this demon Acathla
that's supposed to swallow the earth, and this is *BAD*. But he looks
REALLY GOOD in his Leather Pants, so we forgive him.
Spike stands up and beats the crap out of Angel with a crowbar though,
and this is freaking hilarious.
(viewers cheer): "Go Spike! You rock!"
He runs off with Dru, and Buffy sends Angel to hell to save the
world......after Willow restores his soul.
(viewers) : "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The Leather Pants can't go to Hell!!!!
NOOOOOOO!!!!"
*** SEASON 3 ***
Buffy comes back to Sunnydale after being gone for three months, and we
really don't care because the first two episodes of this season SUCK.
Joyce: "You can't run away from your problems, Buffy..even IF I told you
you couldn't ever come back here again."
Willow: "You were gone the whole summer! And it doesn't matter that you
were upset because your mom kicked you out and you got expelled and you
had to kill the love of your life to save the world...I was doing spells
and stuff! I needed somebody to talk to!"
Xander: "You suck, Buff."
Buffy: "Wah! Leave me alone!"
(viewers): Yeah, man..give her a break. For once she's justified in her
whining!
Some evil zombies pop up, everyone fights together, and suddenly
everything's okay. Faith shows up.
Faith: "Hi, I'm Faith, your whorish new slayer. I'm here with such
little fanfare because Kendra died in the second season and the author
forgot to mention it in her season 2 parody."
(viewers): ack! She sucks! And down with the author!
Suddenly, at the abandoned mansion, Angel drops naked from the ceiling.
He is glistening and NAKED.
(viewers): AAAAHHHHH!!! SCREW the leather pants! Give us Naked Angel ANY
day !!!!! And even if they DID rip that idea off of the original
Terminator movie, we deduce that the lack of his leather pants means
that he is no longer evil.
Buffy: "Wow, you're alive again. By the way, we can't see each other any
more."
Angel: "You're right, that would be best."
They kiss. Except Xander sees them kissing, and now Buffy's in TROUBLE.
Giles: "You lied to me!"
Willow: "We think you might be confused."
Xander: "I hate Angel. Oh yeah, and you SUCK, Buff."
(viewers): Damn, it's a real 'hate on Buffy' year, isn't it?
Elsewhere, the mayor of Sunnydale fusses about germs and worries about
the slayer problem.
Mayor: "Ack! Ew.germs. Yuck. Ghastly things."
(viewers): PLEASE tell us this Poof isn't the Big Bad for the season!
Mayor: "No one must interfere with my mysterious ascension..."
(viewers): Oh no! he IS the Big Bad of the season! Where's Spike when we
need him?!
Faith: "Wah, I've had a rough life. Wah, I killed a guy. Wah, I'm gonna
compete with Buffy for the 'whiner of the year' award...think I'll go
join the bad guys."
Mayor: "Well hello there, Faith. How would you like me to take you under
my wing and develop a really weird and icky father/daughter relationship
with you?"
Faith: "Okay"
Meanwhile, Spike visits Sunnydale and tells Buffy and Angel they'll
never be friends. He gives his famous "love's bitch" speech.
(viewers): We LOVE that episode !!!
Buffy: "What I want from you I can never have. I can't see you anymore."
Angel: "But I love you. I don't accept that we can't see each other."
Buffy: "You have to."
Angel: "Okay."
They kiss. Meanwhile, Xander and Willow hook up and they SUCK because
they were being unfaithful to Cordelia and Oz.
Willow: "Oh, Oz I love you, but let me go make out with Xander at every
freaking opportunity, even right after you are incredibly sweet in
giving me a Pez witch and telling me you think of me."
Xander: "Yes, and I am really happy that I've got a hot girlfriend, but
let me put the moves on the same best friend that I have ignored my
whole life, even having known that she was in love with me."
(viewers): Whatever. You guys SUCK.
Faith: "Oh yeah, I'm bad. So what do I do now?"
Mayor: "We've got to keep Buffy from ruining my ascension. Go turn Angel
evil."
Faith: "Okay."
Buffy: "You can't! Because Angel is MY boyfriend, and we totally played
you."
(viewers): Did she just say "psych"? How old is that, anyway? Seriously,
we stopped saying that back in like, the sixth grade!
Buffy: "What I want from you I can never have. I can't see you anymore."
Angel: "But I love you. I don't accept that we can't see each other."
Buffy: "You have to."
Angel: "Okay."
They kiss.
(viewers) Whoa, déjà vu.
Somewhere along the line, there's actually a Xander episode. He sleeps
with Faith and gets all cocky (heh heh) about it later when he's
suddenly got huge amounts of confidence when facing down a bad guy who
wants to blow up the school. No one but qc thinks this is cool.
Elsewhere, Buffy and Angel are walking through the sewer.
Angel: "This is never going to work. We can't see each other any more."
Buffy: "But I love you. Don't I get a say in this?"
Angel: "No, we have to break up. I'm leaving."
(viewers): Yeah whatever. This is like, the 43 rd time you two have
broken up. We * so * do not believe you guys!
At graduation, nobody's really surprised when the mayor turns into a
big, badly computer generated snake. It eats Snyder, but nobody really
notices because the author failed to find anything interesting/funny
enough to put into this parody about him. Anyways, Buffy kills the cgi,
and there was much rejoicing. Angel and Buffy look at each other, and
Angel leaves.
(viewers): What? He's not really leaving, right? I mean.you guys ALWAYS
say you're gonna break up. But you don't! It's okay.he'll be back,
right? It's a joke..they're just trying to make us think he's leaving,
but he'll come back next season just when we don't expect it, and it'll
be a big laugh on us. Yeah..that's it.
*** SEASON 4 ***
Buffy walks onto the college campus wearing normal clothes for once. We
don't really care though because by this point we all know that Angel
really *is* gone, and we are fully prepared to hate the show without
him.
Buffy: Wah.....I feel all left out. Wah......I don't know my way around
campus. Wah......feel sorry for me."
Willow, Xander and Oz show up. Xander is happy because this is the year
of "the sex", and he just got some from Anya, who he doesn't really
like.
Buffy: "Ha! I've got you beat! I've already had sex with Parker, three
episodes after separating from the so-called love of my life. Also, you
should feel sorry for me because he used me and hurt my feelings. Wah."
She looks around suddenly in confusion. "Hey, where's Giles, anyway? We
haven't seen him yet." Everyone glances around, but quickly gives up
when he doesn't immediately materialize.
Around this time Spike comes back, and we are all excited because we
hope he'll be able to save the season, which is already looking bleak.
Suddenly Riley enters the picture with his farm-boy attitude and
boy-next-door demeanor. No one but the GLR's are impressed.
Riley: "Hi, I'm Riley......a way too-perfect and annoyingly good-looking
"Joe normal" type guy. Can I be the next guy to fall hopelessly in love
with you that you don't care anything about?"
Buffy: "Sure!"
Fifteen episodes later, when Buffy and Riley are taking a break from
having sex, we finally get into a plot for the season. We find out that
Riley is part of a secret government project called the Initiative. His
boss Maggie has created the big bad of the season in the form of
Adam........the Great Pooferini of all Big Bads.
(viewers): Oh no! * Please * tell us this boring conglomeration of crap
isn't the new big bad! Where's the mayor when we need him!?
We also learn that Oz cheated on Willow with another werewolf, and that
Xander and Anya are going at it like bunnies in the attempt to out-sex
Buffy and Riley. They *FAIL MISERABLY *
Willow: "Hey, where's Giles, anyway?"
Everyone looks around, but no one sees him.
Xander shrugs. "I dunno........but hey, what's going on this season?"
Spike: "Oh, I know this one. Your Nancy-boy Riley, there, belongs to the
Initiative. They kidnapped me and stuck a chip in my head that inhibits
me from killing people. This is really just a plot device to enable my
character to hang around with you scoobies, and give the viewers
something decent to watch this season."
(viewers): hell yeah!
Buffy: "Yeah, and I think also we're supposed to kill that Adam guy, or
something."
Somewhere along the line we actually get a good episode, in "Something
Blue." Buffy and Spike get engaged because of a spell of Willow's, and
this is * FUNNY * . Unfortunately, the spell is reversed, and everything
goes back to (*cough CRAP cough*) normal. Everything just goes from bad
to worse, though, when Faith comes back and switches bodies with Buffy.
Riley: "Hey, Faith.........er, Buffy. Why don't we get it on, and I can
tell you I love you for the first time, even though I *OBVIOUSLY* hardly
know you.......otherwise I would have been able to tell how oddly you
were acting."
Faith/Buffy: "Five by five........er, I mean Okay!"
(later)
Buffy: "You slept with Faith?!"
Riley: "I slept with *YOU* "
(viewers, understanding that Riley's a bit slow.......): No, that was
FAITH! And Angel would never have done that. Good GOD, man..... even
XANDER didn't take advantage of Buffy when she wasn't herself in
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered! You suck, Riley.
Riley tries desperately to shift the focus off of himself. "Hey, where's
Giles?"
The gang goes off and kills Adam. During the battle, the gang bonds once
again after having drawn apart that season, and nobody really cares
'cause by this point we're all just watching for Spike.
Spike: "That's right. I've got the stones. "
(viewers): hell yeah!
So that's it, the season's over, the big bad's been defeated, yadda
yadda yadda. Except it's not. There's this one little episode tacked
onto the end, after everything else. It makes *NO FREAKING SENSE*, and
everyone but one very confused, slightly sarcastic Buffy-fan in
Cincinnati, Ohio loves it.
(viewers, shouting): You didn't like RESTLESS?!!!!!
(author, in a very small voice): uh......no?
At this point the viewers throw up their collective hands in disbelief
and bar the author from posting on the board ever again.
Hours later, after everyone has gone home, a sexy fuddy-duddy of a
former Watcher comes stumbling onto the board wondering where everyone
went.
Giles: "Hello! Anyone? I'm right here! Hello?!..........(sighs in
exasperation)........Oh bloody hell."
Bye, Patrick
Hehehe....funny stuff. One little thing, though. some almost spoiler
type things for S5 (Angel's entrance..) Maybe it's 'cause I'm spoiled,
though..
Mattia
ReplyMeister[tm]
Hmm because they are parodies in themselves maybe?? >=o)
(PS, please cut the former message when you reply next time, especially when
they are so
bl--dy long. :o) )
> some1 e-mail me and tell me what "aslam1"
> <asl...@ntlworld.com> schreef in bericht means
It means `"aslam1" <asl...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message'.
It's Dutch. Well, Microsoft Dutch, anyway.
Oh and BTW, it is considered bad form to assume people on Usenet
will contact you by e-mail.
Bye,
--
jonathaN
> @nkho® wrote:
>
> > (PS, please cut the former message when you reply next time,
> > especially when they are so bl--dy long. :o) )
>
> i dont care i am unsuscribing from this group
Oh, what a pity.
Bye,
--
jonathaN
> Jonathan Black wrote:
>
> > Oh and BTW, it is considered bad form to assume people on
> > Usenet will contact you by e-mail.
>
> who says its bad form
Oh, I don't know really, it's just something I heard. Makes sense
though, mostly. Why take something to e-mail when the rest of the
group may well be interested or have something further to
contribute to the topic?
> anyway have the rest of europe got the buffy box sets yet
Well, I don't know that they actually get released in very many
places apart from the UK. France gets them, I believe I've heard
Mattia and others tell of those in the past, but I don't know how
far behind they are compared to the UK releases. Here in NL,
there weren't _any_ Buffy video releases until last month, when
S1 came out on DVD and VHS. In fact come to think of it, did that
come out on VHS at all? Can't say I've seen it, only the DVD.
Anyway, I can't imagine them selling more than 5 copies what with
the UK releases being out months to years sooner and being easy
to import, insofar as that's even "importing" within this
wonderful Fereration of Plan-- um, European Union :)
Bye,
--
jonathaN
Buffy: "Why would I go to Belgium?"
Xander "I think the relevant question is why wouldn't you?
Bel-gium."
--`Dead Man's Party'
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Let's just call those whacky people the 'usenet community'. You can call
us (yes, I'm one of 'em. So are you, Jon ;o) elitists, but hey, your
call.
> Makes sense
> though, mostly. Why take something to e-mail when the rest of the
> group may well be interested or have something further to
> contribute to the topic?
Take it to email if it's personal. This isn't, or doesn't seem to be.
It's part of basic 'nettiquette', as it's known.
http://pixel.cs.vt.edu/class1/spinners/InternetSpeak/nettiquette.html
(short, to the point, serious)
http://www.rangenet.com/mainhtml/nettiquette.html (longer, more
complete, quite amusing, really..)
> > anyway have the rest of europe got the buffy box sets yet
>
> Well, I don't know that they actually get released in very many
> places apart from the UK. France gets them, I believe I've heard
> Mattia and others tell of those in the past, but I don't know how
> far behind they are compared to the UK releases.
They're not too far behind the UK as far as releases go. Yes, maybe a
month or two, but that's about it, IIRC. Stopped going to that french
newsgroup (where, BTW, they've suddenly started doing top poster lists,
calling them by a different name, but still ;o) because it's not very
busy in Buffyland, and, uh, talking about Buffy in french is tiring.
It's bad enough in dutch ;-P
> Here in NL,
> there weren't _any_ Buffy video releases until last month, when
> S1 came out on DVD and VHS. In fact come to think of it, did that
> come out on VHS at all? Can't say I've seen it, only the DVD.
Oh, I've seen it several times. My local (ok, it's the Kalverstraat)
Free Record Shop has Buffy video boxed sets (has had for a while) as
well as both Angel boxes. Obviously they're imports, but it's got them.
Also the DVD box, for a stupidly high price.
> Anyway, I can't imagine them selling more than 5 copies what with
> the UK releases being out months to years sooner and being easy
> to import, insofar as that's even "importing" within this
> wonderful Fereration of Plan-- um, European Union :)
Hehehe...see comment above. They've had the things for a while. They
sell to the poor saps who don't know that ordering stuff online is
cheaper ;o)
Mattia
ReplyMeister[tm]
Right. Thanks for those links, Mattia. Now, to back on topic, not
the topic that's in the subject header, but we don't go in for
changing 'em much on this particular little gem of a group now do
we? Ah, what the hell, I'll be a devil and do it. [runs up and
modifies the subject header]
[France]
> They're not too far behind the UK as far as releases go. Yes,
> maybe a month or two, but that's about it, IIRC. Stopped
> going to that french newsgroup (where, BTW, they've suddenly
> started doing top poster lists, calling them by a different
> name, but still ;o) /
What name is that then? A French name, I guess. Betcha they nick
the idea from here.
> / because it's not very busy in Buffyland, and, uh, talking
> about Buffy in french is tiring. It's bad enough in dutch ;-P
Tell me about it.
> > Here in NL, there weren't _any_ Buffy video releases until
> > last month, when S1 came out on DVD and VHS. In fact come to
> > think of it, did that come out on VHS at all? Can't say I've
> > seen it, only the DVD.
>
> Oh, I've seen it several times. My local (ok, it's the
> Kalverstraat) Free Record Shop has Buffy video boxed sets
> (has had for a while) as well as both Angel boxes. Obviously
> they're imports, but it's got them. Also the DVD box, for a
> stupidly high price.
Yeah, sure, I've seen the UK releases in shops here, but my point
is I haven't seen that actual NL VHS release of S1 that was
supposed to come out in January. I've seen the Dutch DVD set, but
not the VHS. Do you understand what I am saying? It would have
Dutch text on the packaging (OK, so it wouldn't say Buffie 't
Vampierenslachterinneke, but any descriptive text would be in
dutch, the words "speelduur" and "Nederlands ondertiteld" would
appear and it would have a Dutch age rating thingy on it, like a
blue "12", instead of the BBFC "15" logo.
Bye,
--
jonathaN
> who says its bad form anyway have the rest of europe got the buffy box sets
> yet
I don't think a lot of people would say "its bad form anyway have the
rest of europe got the buffy box sets yet". I think you're the first
one. However, I could imagine some people say: "Who says it's bad form?
Anyway, have the rest of europe got the buffy box sets yet?"
And yes, you're completely entitled to call me anal-retentive now.
Bye, Patrick