Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.
Dismiss

Old Jokes Home

79 views
Skip to first unread message

Julian

unread,
Sep 23, 2021, 2:52:27 PM9/23/21
to

Q/Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?
A/Therewasnospacebar

DMB

unread,
Sep 23, 2021, 8:04:43 PM9/23/21
to
On Thursday, 23 September 2021 at 12:52:27 UTC-6, Julian wrote:

> Q/Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?
> A/Therewasnospacebar

An imam, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What'll I get you folks?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know what these two want, but I'm just here because of auto-correct."

liaM

unread,
Sep 25, 2021, 10:34:43 AM9/25/21
to
On 9/23/2021 8:52 PM, Julian wrote:
>
> Q/Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?
> A/Therewasnospacebar


" "

Love

unread,
Sep 25, 2021, 1:35:15 PM9/25/21
to
In article <siiida$3v3$1...@dont-email.me>, julia...@gmail.com says...
>Q/Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?
>A/Therewasnospacebar

You have made me question why I continue
reading your OJH offerings.

Approved.


--
Love

Love

unread,
Sep 25, 2021, 1:36:47 PM9/25/21
to
In article <398829c1-df53-4b83...@googlegroups.com>,
sgma...@gmail.com says...
LOLx2

--
Love

Message has been deleted

Julian

unread,
Sep 25, 2021, 2:43:13 PM9/25/21
to
On 25/09/2021 18:35, Love wrote:
> In article <siiida$3v3$1...@dont-email.me>, julia...@gmail.com says...
>> Q/Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?
>> A/Therewasnospacebar
>
> You have made me question why I continue
> reading your OJH offerings.

Because Noah doesn't post enough.

Noah Sombrero

unread,
Sep 25, 2021, 2:47:27 PM9/25/21
to
On Sat, 25 Sep 2021 19:43:13 +0100, Julian <julia...@gmail.com>
wrote:
enough
--
Noah Sombrero

Julian

unread,
Oct 7, 2021, 5:23:51 PM10/7/21
to
On 25/09/2021 18:35, Love wrote:
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

DMB

unread,
Oct 8, 2021, 12:54:54 AM10/8/21
to
On Thursday, 7 October 2021 at 15:23:51 UTC-6, Julian wrote:
...
> I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
> I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

A literalist takes things literally;
A thief takes things, literally.

Love

unread,
Oct 8, 2021, 11:54:45 PM10/8/21
to
In article <sjnoh6$iqk$1...@dont-email.me>, julia...@gmail.com says...
That didn't make the situation any better!


--
Love

Love

unread,
Oct 8, 2021, 11:59:55 PM10/8/21
to
In article <d9453a32-f034-4a43...@googlegroups.com>,
sgma...@gmail.com says...
So an actuary takes things actually?

--
Love

DMB

unread,
Oct 9, 2021, 1:04:20 PM10/9/21
to
On Friday, 8 October 2021 at 21:59:55 UTC-6, Love wrote:
...
> >A literalist takes things literally;
> >A thief takes things, literally.
> So an actuary takes things actually?


Only in China.

Julian

unread,
Oct 14, 2021, 1:45:50 PM10/14/21
to
On 25/09/2021 18:35, Love wrote:
Ivermectin doesn't work for every symptom of Covid-19.
But it's good if you're a little horse.

Ned

unread,
Oct 14, 2021, 1:56:14 PM10/14/21
to
Oh good. And, just btw, Florida’s COVID deaths for Sep. 9th have recently
reached 321, up from 298 a week or two ago, and 9 reported on Sep. 10th.

Ned


Love

unread,
Oct 14, 2021, 4:21:00 PM10/14/21
to
In article <sk9qcc$6ms$1...@dont-email.me>, julia...@gmail.com says...
fuck

--
Love

Julian

unread,
Oct 28, 2021, 2:41:20 PM10/28/21
to
On 23/09/2021 19:52, Julian wrote:
>
> Q/Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?
> A/Therewasnospacebar


The Beach Boys walk into a pub.
"Round?"
"Round."
"Get a round."
"I'll get a round."

DMB

unread,
Oct 28, 2021, 6:24:30 PM10/28/21
to
On Thursday, 28 October 2021 at 12:41:20 UTC-6, Julian wrote:

> The Beach Boys walk into a pub.
> "Round?"
> "Round."
> "Get a round."
> "I'll get a round."

I like this one.

Julian

unread,
Nov 11, 2021, 4:31:05 PM11/11/21
to
Q/ How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A/ One. Or two.

Sn!pe

unread,
Nov 11, 2021, 5:04:29 PM11/11/21
to
Julian <julia...@gmail.com> wrote:

> Q/ How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A/ One. Or two.

Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A/ None, they have machines to do that now.

--
^Ï^ <https://youtu.be/_kqytf31a8E>

My pet rock Gordon just is.

Sn!pe

unread,
Nov 11, 2021, 5:06:07 PM11/11/21
to
Sn!pe <snip...@gmail.com> wrote:

> Julian <julia...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > Q/ How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
> > A/ One. Or two.
>
> Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A/ None, they have machines to do that now.

P.S. I've unmasked now, Mr Ön!on is back in the sock drawer.

Julian

unread,
Nov 11, 2021, 5:14:26 PM11/11/21
to
On 11/11/2021 22:06, Sn!pe wrote:
> Sn!pe <snip...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> Julian <julia...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>> Q/ How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
>>> A/ One. Or two.
>>
>> Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
>> A/ None, they have machines to do that now.
>
> P.S. I've unmasked now, Mr Ön!on is back in the sock drawer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VipG2mpQWc

Sn!pe

unread,
Nov 11, 2021, 5:21:26 PM11/11/21
to
I love On!ons. When I'm rich and famous and they invite me
onto 'Desert Island Discs', the luxury I shall ask for will be a
packet of assorted On!on seeds.

IMHO the Noble On!on should always be Capitalised.

Captain Squeeka

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 6:12:41 AM11/12/21
to
Most Youtube links do nothing for me.

That was GREAT, but then again, I am a big fan of 10cc
and there is a resemblance.

--
Captain Squeeka
Master of Penetrating Insights
and Lubricating Social Interaction

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 11:04:55 AM11/12/21
to
On 12/11/2021 11:12, Captain Squeeka wrote:
> On 11/11/2021 5:14 PM, Julian wrote:
>> On 11/11/2021 22:06, Sn!pe wrote:
>>> Sn!pe <snip...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Julian <julia...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Q/ How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
>>>>> A/ One. Or two.
>>>>
>>>> Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
>>>> A/ None, they have machines to do that now.
>>>
>>> P.S.  I've unmasked now, Mr Ön!on is back in the sock drawer.
>>
>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VipG2mpQWc
>
> Most Youtube links do nothing for me.
>
> That was GREAT, but then again, I am a big fan of 10cc
> and there is a resemblance.

You should try the whole album..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ek-FH7MweA

I liked 10cc too. I saw them several times
but they lost something special when Godley and
Creme to experiment with the Gizmo and make videos.

The gave great vid.

It might not look much now but in 1985 it
was unusual. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6a_PRcVYX7g

Ned

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 11:25:35 AM11/12/21
to
Ooooo... "Video not available in your country."

Ned

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 11:48:23 AM11/12/21
to
Try this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypMnBuvP5kA
Or https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3319cg

If that fails I guess you'd be able to find a US
licensed version by searching for "Cry Godley Creme"

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 11:51:35 AM11/12/21
to
On 12/11/2021 16:25, Ned wrote:
That's odd, there's no nakidity.
It must be because there are no guns.

Ned

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 12:12:20 PM11/12/21
to
Yeah, both work.

Ned

Ned

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 12:30:26 PM11/12/21
to
There's an old American R&B song called "Cry To Me",
which was used in the remake of "Man From Uncle"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I7HrnRA7gc&t=12s

Ned

(Yet another guy who got 'canceled'... Perhaps with
some justification.)

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 12:53:05 PM11/12/21
to
The only gun I've every owned was a MFU pistol.
I also had a badge and ID card.

Captain Squeeka

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 5:17:22 PM11/12/21
to
On 11/12/2021 12:53 PM, Julian wrote:
> MFU pistol

MFU??

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 6:02:14 PM11/12/21
to
On 12/11/2021 22:17, Captain Squeeka wrote:
> On 11/12/2021 12:53 PM, Julian wrote:
>> MFU pistol
>
> MFU??
>

Man From Uncle

https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/man-n-l-lone-star-63-mauser-pistol-442335779

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 6:03:25 PM11/12/21
to

Julian

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 6:07:13 PM11/12/21
to
Actually that's a pretty crappy modern version.
Here is the real deal...
https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/man-from-uncle-id-card-from-gary-oldman-1960s

DMB

unread,
Nov 12, 2021, 9:19:21 PM11/12/21
to
On Friday, 12 November 2021 at 16:07:13 UTC-7, Julian wrote:

> Actually that's a pretty crappy modern version.
> Here is the real deal...
> https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/man-from-uncle-id-card-from-gary-oldman-1960s

Dracula!

DMB

unread,
Nov 14, 2021, 8:17:29 PM11/14/21
to
On Thursday, 11 November 2021 at 14:31:05 UTC-7, Julian wrote:

> Q/ How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A/ One. Or two.

Q/ How often do you and your spouse engage in conjugal unpleasantness?
A/ Infrequently.
Q2/ Is that answer one word, or two?

Julian

unread,
Jul 28, 2022, 3:32:14 PM7/28/22
to
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.

Noah Sombrero

unread,
Jul 28, 2022, 4:44:16 PM7/28/22
to
On Thu, 28 Jul 2022 20:32:12 +0100, Julian <julia...@gmail.com>
wrote:

>Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
>He's fully recovered.

Three rabbis walked into a bar. Which one left?
--
Noah Sombrero

Julian

unread,
Aug 4, 2022, 2:12:30 PM8/4/22
to
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by
staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next
morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice
hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay -
I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast
had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and,
forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for
use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that
she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were
so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing
here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't
use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved,
she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was
surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Noah Sombrero

unread,
Aug 4, 2022, 2:51:11 PM8/4/22
to
On Thu, 4 Aug 2022 19:12:29 +0100, Julian <julia...@gmail.com>
wrote:

>A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by
>staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next
>morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
>?
>She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice
>hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay -
>I didn't even have breakfast!"
>?
>The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast
>had been included had she wanted it.
>?
>She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and,
>forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an
>Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for
>use."
>?
>"But I didn't use them."
>?
>'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that
>she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were
>so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing
>here."
>?
>"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
>?
>"Well, we have them, and you could have."
>?
>No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't
>use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
>?
>After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved,
>she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was
>surprised when he looked at the check.
>?
>"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
>?
>"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
>?
>"But I didn't!"
>?
>"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Good one.
--
Noah Sombrero

Sanford Manley

unread,
Aug 4, 2022, 3:35:24 PM8/4/22
to
Best joke I have never heard before in any form.

--
The AnsaMan

"It might not be a good answer, it might
not be the right answer, but it's an answer!
BORIS JOHNSON for PRESIDENT 2024!
(Birthright Citizenship! Born in NYC!)

Wilson

unread,
Aug 5, 2022, 2:09:22 PM8/5/22
to
On 8/4/2022 2:12 PM, Julian wrote:
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d
like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of
natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m
going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He
looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love
to the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

Love

unread,
Aug 10, 2022, 12:58:01 AM8/10/22
to
In article <tcjmcg$39bjj$1...@dont-email.me>, Wil...@nowhere.net says...
>On 8/4/2022 2:12 PM, Julian wrote:
>> A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by
>> staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next
>> morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
>> ?
>> She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice
>> hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay -
>> I didn't even have breakfast!"
>> ?
>> The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast
>> had been included had she wanted it.
>> ?
>> She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and,
>> forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an
>> Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for
>> use."
>> ?
>> "But I didn't use them."
>> ?
>> 'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that
>> she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were
>> so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing
>> here."
>> ?
>> "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
>> ?
>> "Well, we have them, and you could have."
>> ?
>> No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't
>> use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
>> ?
>> After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved,
>> she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was
>> surprised when he looked at the check.
>> ?
>> "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
>> ?
>> "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
>> ?
>> "But I didn't!"
>> ?
>> "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
>
>A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d
>like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of
>natural causes.”
>
>The pharmacist says, “Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m
>going to have to call the police and report you.”
>
>The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He
>looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love
>to the pharmacist’s wife.
>
>The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

Love 'em both!

--
Love, speaking out of turn

Julian

unread,
Apr 28, 2023, 11:24:54 AM4/28/23
to
My wife told me she wanted to see the Jerry Springer Show being filmed
for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant.
0 new messages