ADVICE FOR PEOPLE NEW TO CHESSGAMES.COM
If you think of posting at http://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessplayer?pid=44815,\
Count to twelve, then permanently log off.
To all poor and distressed chess players,\
Wherever they may be,\
On the land, on the sea or in the air.\
Wishing them a speedy relief from their afflictions,\
And a safe return to their native land,\
Should they so desire.\
Who are the big stars over there?
Oh man, let’s see … There’s Fagi Pinjinga, there’s Mapopoza Tonezepo … there’s Lyndon Kakambona, Wuwa-Bulolo Puliyasi, Wamp Kominika, Onguglo To’uluwa, Ezikiel Takaku, Wia Kemakeza, Ataban Tokurapai … And then of course there’s Offramp Tavanipupu — you’ve probably heard of him, he’s, like, the biggest tetherball star in the world, and he’s also a really big pop star in the Solomon Islands, he’s kind of the Leonard Cohen of Melanesia, I mean in addition to his tetherball — I guess you’d say he’s like the Mike Tyson/Leonard Cohen of Melanesia.
He actually sounds familiar. What is it — Avram Topopovuni?
Offramp Tavanipupu. I’m sure you’ve run across articles about him in magazines. About how when he was a kid, he almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning huffing fumes from barbecue propane tanks, and how he was later diagnosed with having a monoamine oxidase A deficiency — what’s called a MAOA-deficiency — which made him abnormally belligerent …\
What made him abnormally belligerent, the deficiency or the diagnosis?\
… so he was always in and out of reform schools and jails. But he developed into this incredibly ferocious player. And then the year after he won his first Ma Ling Masters, he was in a Koru’s Department Store, which is like the Bougainvillean equivalent of Sears, and he was buying a pair of maracas and the salesperson suggested that he purchase a service contract for the maracas, and Offramp very courteously declined — he’s normally a very soft-spoken, urbane person — but the clerk got increasingly aggressive about this service contract, and finally Offramp just lost it and bludgeoned him to death with the ceremonial war club he always carries around with him.>\
- Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville.
CR Wynn: "There are few mysteries on the internet. Offramp is one of them."\
ColeTrane: "Offramp says a lot of garbage."\
Luzhin: "Offramp is writing from a secure unit where patients are well-treated by a team of dedicated professionals."\
SirRuthless: "If you have a minute do a little research on King Leopold and his actions in the Belgian Congo. It's eye opening. Offramp chose that monster as his avatar and it was no accident. Wonderful human being this <offramp> is."\
SirRuthless: "Ahh it's Albert Pike, my mistake. Sorry about that <offramp>. I'll leave my posts up as a lesson to anyone else who makes a similar mistake and a record of my error."\
CARNIS AUTEM EST!
"Are you one of the frightened?"
- Boris Karloff
Voted Worst Fanirmod 10 years in a row.
Chess columnist of the <Weekly Northern Whig & Intelligencer>.
I am a noted expert on http://www.chessgames.com/perl/chess.pl?tid=88436
upon which I have written nine "Schönographs": learned disquisitions on that intriguing tournament. Available at www.lulu.com
for $0.01 each.
Lead singer and guitarist of the Norwegian black metal band Dementert Freaks. Search for "I Wee-Wee On Your Jellyfish Sting."
A great passion of mine is to fire up the old Merlin GTS autogyro and take her up to about 5,500 metres. I take a laptop with me but I no longer post while airborne since one post made me laugh so hard that I crashed my gyrocopter.
I was born in Hong Kong and in 2005 I was required to complete National Service in the Chinese military. I was taught how to fly a Xian H-6 jet bomber. One of my missions was to carpet-bomb the town of Bishkek in Uzbekistan. A local chess tournament was taking place at the time and I later found out that I had killed 166 chess players which I believe to be the record.
I am an Honorary member of The Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company of Massachusetts and a Freeman of the City of Prince George, British Columbia and a Member of the Order of Skinner & PJ Proby's Horse and the Supreme Orator of the Order of the Acrimonious Virgin.
I have published an autobiography called <I BLEW A BILLION BUCKS ON BIKES BABES BARBITURATES BULLETS BOMBS AND BENONIS: <My Journey of Personal Discovery from Tunguska to Roswell Via Krakatoa and Hiroshima>>. It is available at Lulu.com for £0.01p.
I graduated from Lead City University, Hut 8, Zone B, Lagos, Nigeria with a thesis on speech act theory and moral language.
I once worked at LUSH and I have made a replica pistol out of black soap which I intend to present to Donald Trump when he visits Britain by jumping out of the crowd and handing it to him.
My philosophy is this:
Work like the ponies in coalmines.
Dance like the teardrop explodes.
Love like you're Frank in Blue Velvet.
Play chess like you're desperate to lose.
My favourite players of all time are:\
My birthday is 29th March. I have two young children.
I am a lover of ecclesiastical architecture. I like Hawksmoor, Gibbs and Archer. In 2018 I'm hoping to visit both Santiago de Compostela and Rome. North France, as well. It is not easy because I never learned to drive a petrol vehicle, although I am trained to drive an electric train.
I spend many hours listening to Old-Time Radio (OTR). I also like pre-code comics.